disdatndeudderting

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so i have some news that will not please some of you; nayrb and i decided a while ago to call it quits.

we were… not treating each other as well as we might have and all the talking in the world wasn’t making it better.  worse maybe since i think the talking was irritating us rather than doing any good.

basically we got steadily less nice to each other.  i got impatient and frustrated and he got kinda needy and we just kept pushing buttons and not really treating each other with kindness.

i’ve been kind of in shock really.

it’s not so much that we believed that we would *never* break up but that we had this deep affection for each other over and above the usual new toy neurological imperatives.  we expected that we would be able to deal with whatever the universe chose to throw at us, that we would at least be together for a few years.

and then it just started to go bad and it didn’t get better.

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look a picture of me!  in my studio!  in my living room! on the phone!

me n' my studio...

isn’t it purty?

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weirder even than being single again?

dating.

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look harriet!

sunny!

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mouse with the same ball!

my ball!

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there, see how i distract you with pictures?

really though, he and i are both okay and i’m pretty sure we both think this is for the best.  we remain friendly and are in fact considering throwing a ’sass n’nayrb split up – bring someone suitable’ party but we’re not sure everyone else would appreciate the humor involved.

still considering it though.

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i think maybe the things we saw as problems the very first week might have had a lot to do with it, hard to say though.

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in other news; i’m thinking of leaving my band.

there is a person in it who continues to make me uncomfortable in a pretty shitty way some two or three times a year.  and i know it’s her problem and not mine i *really really* do but that doesn’t mean i particularly want her negativity in my life any longer.

it’s desperately difficult for me to imagine not hitting my drum and singing at the top of my lungs every thursday night but aren’t these things supposed to make you happy!???!

truly i love the band and i regret regularly that i ever mentioned it in her presence.  i think i knew from the first that it would come to this but i don’t know how else to handle it.

i love the guys in that band i really do; they are some of the most amazing people that i have in my life and their bickering and interaction and just general good-natured fun with each other never cease to amuse me [except for the occasional moments when i want to kill them of course.]

either way, after her latest insult i will have to stay away for a little while for fear that i will say what i think.  she is a rather fragile human and most of her issue with me seems to stem from lack of self-confidence so really, anything i say will only serve to make it worse.

frankly i wish i could tell her to take her crap and fuck off.  but i can’t… the guys adore us both.

dammit! dammit! dammit!

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doesn’t harriet look hilarious with that ball and the sun?

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happy weekend!

feast days

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it’s funny this being self-employed thing you know?  one minute you’re starving and paying for books with twonies [canadian two dollar coins] and the next you’re depositing more than fifteen hundred dollars in cheques from your clients and your piggy bank has spare cash in it again.

it’s a truly odd experience if you had gotten used to twice monthly pay cheques that always came out to the same amount or so.

even odder?  i will deposit the same amount again in the next couple of weeks and suddenly have my rent paid two months in advance.  the same rent i’m barely paying this month.

the thing you don’t really understand when you become self-employed is just how weird it is to have no financial stability at all and just how much pressure that actually puts on your shoulders all.the.time.

all.the.time.  even when the credit card is paid down to zero and the bank account has nice amounts of cash in it there is nonetheless this little piece that knows *exactly* how far that money will go and when more is expected.

furthermore that same piece always expects every single client to quit without notice.  kind of a shitty thing to have wandering around your shoulders you know?

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in other news i recently attended the eaglewood folk festival in lovely pefferlaw ontario and i cannot think of a better way to start a vacation.  just can’t.

it was like i took two weeks off instead of one because i was so relaxed by the end of the first weekend.

course hanging at the farm with my parents was sure a nice way to spend the REST of my vacation!

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so i’ve ranked the festivals i attended this year, ready?

mariposa: best musical lineup

hillside: best food

summerfolk: comfy like an old shoe

eaglewood: best all around time

:)

and good christ is the weather ever awesome this week!

aspects

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so i went to hillside and it was… weird a little.

in some ways i sort of blinked and missed it.  i talked to someone else actually and he said that he felt like he just got there and it was over.  we had been so busy with our volunteer jobs that we kind of didn’t notice the festival going by.

it was nice, and it was hillside and it was still better than being anywhere ELSE in ontario this weekend that’s for sure… but somehow i didn’t quite connect to it or it’s energy.

some years have been about music, and some about connecting with people and still others about whatever my volunteer gig was or dancing or personal discovery or whatever.

this year was about food.

i made my way through the festival like kim cattrall in the sex and the city movie.  i ate ice cream THREE times and had like four or five meals a day plus some snacks.

it was all i could do to let my food digest before i ate something else.

[truly this has been going on for a month or so but hillside was amazingly silly]

i tried all this great food that i couldn’t afford in years past.  couldn’t afford because i bought clothes; none of which appealed to me this year… so i ate.

god the food is amazing at hillside.

there was pakoras and samosas and great great great vegetarian meals and turkey and walnut kafka and organic ice cream and green curry something or other and the most amazing chocolate that i brough a bunch home and oh my god.

oh my god.

it’s so rich and delicious and i’m not sure i’ve ever had chocolate like it.  they grind their own beans on a fixed bicycle!

and the cappuccino guy makes what may be the best cannoli in the world outside of italy.

seriously.

i ate two of them!

he doesn’t pre make them you see.  you order the cannoli and he takes out the shell and he puts the cream in from the freezer and he dusts it with icing sugar and he hands it to you.  most places the cream is already in the pastry shell and it’s just a little soggy.

these ones are… mmmm so good.

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what’s funny is that i’ve been having great food for several weeks now and hillside was kind of the culmination of it all.

my theory is don’t worry about it until labour day and then stress for a few months to get back into the good habits.

then of course you slip at christmas and early winter and then get sane again.

yeesh, food sure is a funny thing.

we love it so much but we hate it at the same time.

if only it was the cannoli and not the broccoli that was the healthy choice…

and i even LIKE broccoli.

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anyway i think hillside for me this year was the kickoff to a month of relaxation and in a way i treated it that way.

i’m going to two festivals, my parents place twice, camping party all just in the next month AND i’m taking the last week of august off.

SECOND vacation in five years boo yeah!

i know, and i bought equipment and i took a week off in february too!  [the aforementioned FIRST vacation in five years in fact.]

i’m really tired, i can’t wait to spend a week at the farm in the quiet and just doing physical work or reading or whatever…

sounds like heaven.

:)

premature anti-climax

so as some of you are aware the hillside festival is this weekend.

as those of you who have paid attention to this blog for a long time are aware i tend to get very excited about hillside many weeks in advance and stay high from it for weeks afterward.

not so much this year.

in fact, next year? next year i think that i will attend as a patron instead. in fact i think i will do that from now on.

there is something very attractive about the idea of having a campsite of my own over near the showers or up by the nice beach or whatever. volunteer camping is losing it’s allure and well.

there’s something changing about the vibe that i can’t explain. i feel like the festival is at the point where it’s a well oiled machine but that that’s not entirely a positive thing.

i used to feel that, as a volunteer, my contribution to the festival was important. i also used to feel like a valued member of something and now?

now i feel more like hrm… like to them they are doing me the favour of allowing me to attend as a volunteer. that they don’t need *me* and even maybe just a little like they’d rather i weren’t there.

and i totally know that i’m the paranoid type okay?

i further know that i’m neurotic and likely to assume the worst based on very few clues… but i still kind of wish that i wasn’t going. well no, that’s not true.

i more just kind of wish that i were going to see the music instead. so i talked to othercat and next year we’re going to do that for a change.

imagine getting to go see ANY band you wanted.

imagine that?

i think that i rather like the idea strangely enough. i think we’re gonna do it.

this is, of course, subject to a revote on sunday but well… it feels pretty like a done great idea at this point :)

man the sleep we’ll get without the people shouting inches from my bed. plus going out for breakfast every morning if we want… nah, that part it too much work unless we’re accidentally up early.
and then i might volunteer to do workshops instead…

:)

breath, pilates and the pelvic floor; a frank discussion of sex with jokes and exercises to take home.

or volunteer pilates…

thank you sir

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sometimes you get to be a part of something awesome just because.

just because someone thinks of something and picks you to do it. or because you’re sitting in the right place at the right time… or because you’re wearing a great hat.

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i attended the mariposa folk festival last weekend with my bestest friend othercat where we volunteered in unbelievably boring jobs, ran into old friends, made new friends, danced (me), sat around and listened to awesome music, drank some whisky (duh irish) and ate terrible food.

well terrible is an interesting word in this context.

i ate more ice cream and french fries than i ever usually do in a month this last weekend and each and every single one of them was DELICIOUS… but it’s still terrible food. and don’t even get me started on the wonder that is sweet and salty kettle cooked popcorn.

oh mah gah!!! (hi terry)

seriously it was so good and i gained five or seven pounds in THREE DAYS!

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it wasn’t all good. i was enjoying a great set of live blues by the legendary taj mahal in the way i ALWAYS enjoy great blues or other dancin’ tunes when lo and behold the audience started shouting “down in front” at the dancers.

now, i MIGHT sympathize except for a few minor details:

- half the ‘blankets only’ area was empty save for cold and wet blankets that no one had sat on all day (seriously i know this because i sat on several of them throughout the afternoon)

- it’s the BLUES… get up and DANCE for god’s sake

- there is NOT ONE place near main stage at mariposa where you can dance AND hear/see the band. you can dance behind the soundbooth or off to the side where the sound is not too good and the visibility is nil.

- the festival is trying to attract a YOUNGER crowd…

uhm whut?!?

seriously can’t comprehend how cigarettes are more welcome than dancers…

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it’s funny what hanging out at hillside does to spoil a girl. i go to other festivals and spend a lot of time disappointed at the waste or the lack of recycling or the not so great garbage habits and so on.

i don’t mind at summerfolk because they are following hillside’s example as fast as they can and such things are steadily improving. but come on people y’all are the ex-hippies and you’re using little 500ml water bottles and tossing the plastic in the trash like it grows on trees or something. aren’t you supposed to be the tree hugging sprout eaters?

funny this world the hippies wrought; filled with conspicuous consumption and disposable everything.

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still and all, amid the mild disappointment i discovered some great new music and got to meet my friend nathan’s wife and daughter and managed to get complimented for dancing by at least a few people so all is not lost.

and then nathan made the entire weekend worthwhile in one fell swoop (as if meeting his gorgeous family wasn’t enough!)

you see the folk community lost a legend to leukemia last thursday (Oliver Schroer) and nathan lost a personal friend. strangely enough the leukemia people were AT mariposa raising money. so, during his last set nathan had me pass my awesome hat in oliver’s name around the pub tent.

awesome hat:

(actual photo was taken in cuba)

the hat may even have inspired the move… but really i think it’s just that nathan is that kind of guy. so, there i am with my hat right?

nathan calls me up to pass the hat and people basically mob me for nearly ten minutes to put money in my hat. they were so generous that i was forced to steal a hat off a lovely gentleman’s head and send it on its way around the tent without me!

the thing about this is the way they chased me with money. no one was willing to be missed, if i missed them and was walking away a whole crowd would point me in the missed person’s direction and all of them wanted to make contact with me somehow.

touching my arm or meeting my eyes before they dropped their change or bills into the hat, saying people’s names or upending their change purses. it was as though they wanted to pour hope into the hat with their change (and bills, we got 200 dollars in BILLS alone and that hat was full of change!) or somehow make contact with me as a vessel.

i was so touched i nearly started crying several times [and then in the middle of it some lady thanked me for dancing all weekend and told me how much she enjoyed it!] i wish you could have seen them you guys it was amazing.

thanks nathan, that was a profoundly powerful experience for me and i’m touched and privileged to have gotten to do that.

all right all right

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:)

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i promised myself that if anyone noticed that this blog had died i would write in it again.

i was thinking commenters but it turns out that the people who read this aren’t strangers from the world wide interweeb but friends and family that i don’t speak to that often.

so.

those seem like the kind of people worth writing for.

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it got really hard to write here after several people at once attacked me and some of those same people used posts that had NOTHING to do with them to somehow “prove” my evilness.

not so easy to put yourself out there when you know the water balloon filled with piss is waiting to land on your head.

that said, this month (two?) off has given me somewhat of a perspective shift on that. i can’t go around living my life for the people who hate me any more than i can go around living my life for the ones who love me. life has to be lived for yourself even if it means choosing to make sacrifices for loved ones.

no, those really aren’t the same thing.

i also can’t go around being afraid of what people who already hate me are going to say when i talk… i mean really now, how is that healthy?

it’s funny because someone wise once said that twenty five percent of people will love you, fifty percent will be indifferent and the other twenty five will hate you. since you can’t control what people think you may as well go after the first quarter.

generally that is a sentiment i have no problem with.

it’s just… it’s harder when it’s people who were intimates for some period of time before they changed sides. they know a lot about you and can most certainly do more damage. in fact i finally moderated ONE person for the first time ever because she was telling secrets that weren’t even mine. worse she was imagining details to fill in blanks and create patterns that never existed and then she was spewing that all over my comments section.

what are you supposed to do with that?

i considered moving the blog and i considered shutting it down but then you see she would win.

in the end i just didn’t say anything at all and i still lost because my friends and family (love ALL of you and you know who you are) defended me and then were in turn attacked by her. i lost double because i never did get another date with the guy she accused me of whoring myself out to and i quite liked him.

[funny, smart, hot, likes liberated women, science fiction and hot cars... what's not to like?]

i did learn one thing though. my father is absolutely right when he says that what bullies want is to make you engage, to make you fight and yell and scream and the more you refuse to do that the more you piss them off.

unfortunately she got pissed off in public and my loved ones who DID engage took the brunt of her insanity and many of them ended up with hurt feelings. [incidentally miss g i did not, nor will i ever, coerce ANYONE to reply to you. i did ask a playwright friend for help drafting my single paragraph reply to your initial attack (no, i don't think g is still reading, least i hope not because if she is her life is even smaller than i imagined and that's just sad.)]

the part that surprises me is that i have trouble forgetting these people that really didn’t have my back.

it’s like i feel like the conversation isn’t over even though it is.

what’s weird to me is that that feeling exists at all when in all cases i could NEVER trust them again. when i know for a fact that my back is not something they have. when, in fact, i know that if i did turn my back they would likely stick a knife in it.

why is it exactly that i can’t stop wondering if they’re well?

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regardless, this is my blog … MINE and no one gets to fuck that up for me, no one.

even if it did take me a while to get there.

cupics

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hey guys i got nothing… well i got lots of stuff and no time and frankly the posts are sort of gone when i get here… so i’ll post some pics.

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oh if you’re one of the people who knows about my angsty week last week? let it be known that the mess has been put to bed…

so to speak… not like the cat vomit i found on my sheets when i got home from seeing my sister…

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mmm cat vomit.

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i had the kind of week last week where i didn’t notice when my credit card information was scammed and mastercard called me up to tell me that they needed to cancel my credit card and would send me a new one.

i didn’t even notice when the thing got sent express post and i had to go get it at the post office. frankly that’s sort of reassuring really.

anyway i finally noticed when the

01/04/2008

02/04/2008

USD1,032.77@1.045500LOWES #00498* CLARKS

$1,079.76

appeared on the bill.

like what the fuck?

anyway it turns out that what happens is they notice the suspicious transaction and call you to confirm that you didn’t do it. then they cancel your card and send you a new one…

BUT the freaking charge still goes through.

so suddenly i was over my limit and going to the mechanic for ‘weirdness’

weirdness is NEVER cheap.

so suddenly i got it. someone can totally screw with your finances doing this shit and moreso i’m super impressed with mastercard’s prompt response. they were awesome. okay, except for not telling that the charge was gonna show up on my bill.

but, to apologize they raised my limit by twelve hundred dollars so i can’t complain. furthermore they’re ‘comfortable leaving it at that level’ which means my little business is doing even better than i think it is.

so, i had a very strange and fully angsty week with financial weirdness that turned out to be a bonus because after that charge comes off my bill i can buy a wunda chair! actually, the angsty weirdness was a bonus too because a LOT of things have been resolved.

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oh right, pics!

3 dead sugar mill

4 crocodile farm

6 poor bryan

2 my cats owning my boyfriend

7 oh god guantanamera is STILL playing

1 othercat… cooking

8 off my balcony

5 so pretty

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sorry the lame gallery can’t count…

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laters!

this is me feeding my cats

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see that? how i went to the closet and got cat food and gave it to my cats? and see how they stopped yowling for food?

no?

well all right then.

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so the leafs have had another disappointing season. there are in fact nine games left so they have a decent chance of catching up from tweflth where they are currently sitting to ninth or so.

it’s weird how they’ve had terrible luck and the worst calls and are definitely not going to make the playoffs *again* and yet i’m still madly in love with them. i mean there are a few mitigating circumstances but geeze it’s not like they’re very good either.

by all rights i should be over this team. i should have stopped having a crush on mats sundin and i should definitely not be thinking that they’re playing better than their position in the scoring charts would indicate.

and yet… and yet i realize that i’m not really telling the truth. although they are better than where they are sitting in the standings? they still aren’t *good.*

i can tell the difference. i’ve seen what montreal has done with their young players and the magic word. what magic word? why teamwork of course.

that thing where they practice passing the puck again and again before they actually shoot. the thing where they play together.

god it’s pretty to watch.

please don’t tell anyone that i’m enjoying watching the habs play hockey okay? i mean i’m supposed to hate them they’re like hockey evil or something since i’m a leafs fan. and i am a leafs fan i am…

but i sure am glad my other conference team (calgary!) is playing better…

mmm iginla and kiprusoff… here comes the cup playoffs…

[don't tell anyone but i think montreal is a major contendor this year]

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i just went to play a game of dress-up clue where i turned out to be the villain!

check out my awesome card:

anyway it was a surprisingly good time and i confess that i was extra delighted to be the murderer!

plus?

i got called beautiful!

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i know it’s silly to love the nice things people say about me but well… go me! compliments like that really do make a body feel good.

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nayrb got a haircut and he looks all extra cute… pretty nice if you’re me also.

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incidentally?  nayrb fed the cats… thanks nayrb!

it’s interesting how little i have to complain about these days. most of the things in my life that had been causing me to complain (or blog)have been fixed.

i can actually afford shoes and i don’t hurt much anymore and i have a nice apartment and my business is finally doing better and then?  after all that falls into place?

i meet a nice man.

seems so impossible really to be living an angst free life.  impossible but fucking awesome!

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nayrb and i went to a crocodile farm in cuba and here we are molesting a child:

night kids!

wishes

how lovely is this? i got it in an email that informed me i had to forward it or i would have bad luck… of course good luck follows the forward. whatever. that said, it’s such a nice wish that i really would wish it for anyone i knew:

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

and see the thing that’s neat about this? i would absolutely wish that on anyone i know. anyone. this is what i want your life to be; you who is anyone that reads this blog ever.

the world would be better if that wish were true for everyone. people would share more and be nicer and maybe relax and slow down just a little bit. when did we lose the sitting on the porch with a lemonade or a mint julep and watching the sun go down?

why did such lovely moments of simple relaxation disappear? how is it that free time is the one thing we don’t seem to treasure anymore?

i say that, of course, in the middle of a day where i refused to leave the house (after a class i took this morning) and all i did was watch television and blog.  so it isn’t like i don’t treasure my time off.

in fact?  since i took a vacation it’s all i can do not to immediately take another one!

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in point of fact my current financial dilemma is more interesting than that.  you see there are these two courses  that i want to take and they are in may and within a few weeks of each other.  one is a weekend in austin texas which would allow me to a) go to austin b) meet a buncha folks i’ve known on the net for years c) learn from a pilates elder and d) experience a good pilates conference again.

the other involves a really great second generation teacher who is coming to toronto from her town to do a weekend on the cadillac.  my most underutilized but much loved cadillac.  the cadillac that i drove to virginia to get (with my father natch… in his truck)  and use constantly and do not know enough about.

so yeah, i want to do them both!

i want to do them both but i keep spending money and i really don’t have any savings.  i get that i have to invest in myself but it’s really hard because i also get that i need to continue learning because it’s that continued learning that keeps me on top of my field.

[not on top like my teacher or marie jose... on top like competent and involved and steadily evolving]

i want to take these great educational opportunities that would cost me about a thousand dollars in flight and hotel (but probably little to no food) and six hundred and forty dollars in tuition and throw two thousand dollars at them and just do them both but.

but i just got back from a vacation and while i’m doing okay with money in the sense that i’m making slightly more than i spend i am totally failing to save anything.

i have no rainy day cushion whatsoever and i hate that.

for five years i’ve been choosing the business and throwing money at it but it sucks.  it sucks because much as i love my business this constant living on the edge financially is draining and exhausting.

i hate making my rent with pennies to spare.  i hate having a few hundred dollars in my account in one of those ‘between cheque’ periods and i most assuredly hate being terrified of getting sick.

i can afford a week off now.  i have earned five sick days and two weeks vacation a year.  i can even take long weekends but savings?

i guess that’s the next hurdle.  i had thought it would come before time off but it turns out that one needs breaks to maintain sanity.  weird i know.

so there it is…. thirty six and starting to save money.

so now remind me… how do i save money AND go to school?

swirls

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it’s all swirly in my head right now:

part of me wants to talk about my friend adam eating’s dog getting killed last week and how sad i am about that

part of me wants to talk about running off to cuba on my first vacation in five years with nayrb

chunks of me are most fascinated that i came back from cuba and like my boyfriend more… which like, really, i didn’t think was possible

some of me wants to wonder why some people can’t just let me go even though they chased me out the door

bits are wondering about posting a couple of cuba pictures… here’s one that nayrb took of me at a crocodile farm we visited, a lovely cuban man handed me this bird…:

whole divisions wish to crow about my facility in cuba because i speak italian a little.  one lady even asked me if i spoke spanish!  go me!  not to mention?  i learned some spanish!

some of me is pretty excited about being back in my life.  in fact i got a little bored toward the end there… but that’s as it should be

parts of me wonder how it’s possible that fidel castro stepped down when *i* was in cuba!  like what are the odds?

the eastern division has me thinking about my beloved leafs and their captain.  it’s interesting that he chose to stay but i think ultimately the right thing.  i mean really, was it worth it to the leafs to lose him?  not for me.  of course i know i have a crush on him but i’m also realistic and this is a guy with a lot to teach the kids that are coming

my heart wants to talk to my parents and my sister but they’re always in bed when i have free time…

nayrb went in the ocean for his first time ever… i’m glad i was there:

my heart is very heavy for my friend lsd

my skin feels particularly happy and glowing at the moment.  i turned all italian while i was away and i love it. i wish i had a tan all year long…

yeah, so as you can see, i’m feeling a little discombobulated.  kind of can’t figure out which way is up and at the same time feeling a little disconnected from it all.

ah well, i’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts

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i am now addicted to vacations.  i’ve already chosen my next four weeks off… one of them is the week i just passed… but next year  :)