snapshots of an idle mind

June 28, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:26 pm


[note that i published a forgotten draft and called it June 18th…]

Oh it was people watching Heaven this weekend! The boys were naked. The girls were naked. The dykes on bikes wore leather and the leathermen wore cock rings. The Trojan men wore gold body paint and very hot boy shorts while the lipstick dykes wore well… lipstick (and black electrical tape!). This doesn’t even describe the naked politicians, the princesses with beards, the dancing fruit and the leering crowds. And that was just the PARADE!

I live in the heart of the ‘gay village’, ‘gay ghetto’, ‘gaybourhood’, ‘insert name with word gay in it here’ and although I am not gay I find that this place is closest to my true home. At least at this moment in my life. I find that many Torontonians look askance at you when you’re outgoing and friendly. Sometimes I’ll say ‘nice coat’ and they will look at me as though I am insane. What’s insane about a heartfelt compliment? Why can’t I tell someone that I like their shoes without them looking at me like a freak of nature? It’s strange.

Personally, I like compliments.

But this weekend was heaven for me. I could say what I thought about people’s outfits or whatever with no fear whatsoever. People WANTED you to look at them. The easiest way to know if someone was checking you out was to be busted checking them out and catching them in the act at the same time. If I was ever so much more tartlike than I actually am I could for sure have gotten [as my pal ND would say] my coals raked.

Tragically, no matter how I try, I remain a nice girl to the end. I can’t make love to someone with someone else in the room. I can’t have sex with my parents in the house. I can’t boink someone I don’t like and respect. I prefer to care for the people I get intimate with. In fact I’m so repressed that way that I find it heinously difficult to express interest in a man. I think someday I will manage to ask a guy out [rather than engineer coffee and hope he asks ME out] but I’m not sure I’ll ever manage it with a man I’m interested in. This is, in fact, pathetic.

Still and all, you have to love a weekend where you dress like the skankiest ho you can be and STILL you’re overdressed.

I did hear the best pickup line ever though…

Sit on my face, I’ll guess your weight.

In other news, I am officially cleared for climbing by the goddess who put my body back together. I have instructions for what muscles to use and EVERYTHING! I’m hoping to go bouldering tomorrow if my shoulders can take it after this freaking horrible course I was forced to take today. The teacher was the most condescending person I’ve ever met… worse if he didn’t know the answer.

That’s okay though, at the end of the day I’m happy to be a nice person and he’s still an ass. Off to drink my sorrows away with othercat.

YAY CLIMBING! *dance of joy*


June 27, 2005

Missing things

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:14 am

no link today

If you know me you know that I had a car accident a few years ago. If you don’t, just know that I seriously disrecommend car accidents but that mine was a life altering experience in an absolutely positive way. So.

When I got into my car accident I happened to snowboard and to be a rock climber. I was at about the 10 month stage in the climbing experience, just enough to know that next summer I was for sure going outside and that maybe I better work a teeny bit harder on my abs because the upside down stuff wasn’t working for me at all.

Snowboarding was also quite new, I’d been at it for about a season and a half and was planning to certify to drive a toboggan at the end of that ski season. Ah link today after all. The day after I recertified to drive a toboggan on skis I got rear ended by the infamous SUV of back pain. So that sort of trashed my volunteering in the ski patrol habit.

Anyway, because when you snowboard you land on your ass really hard… a lot. No a lot. And because my accident trashed my lower back I was forced to give it up. As for climbing… well having a sixth whiplash is not conducive to good shoulder integration and tends to make the whole hang off a wall by your index finger and three toes thing pretty much impossible.

And let me tell you I missed these things. I maligned the universe for taking them away from me. And then I got really lost in the morass of my own pain and misery and lack of sleep and I stopped even missing the activities of my life. I started to miss instead things like walking, transferring laundry into the dryer, pouring cat litter into the litter pan… cooking (too much standing loads the trashed lower back), making love with my (now ex) boyfriend, sharing a bed, movies… you know, life.

Interestingly, I miss climbing and snowboarding again. I think I’m almost healed. Healed enough to try hanging off a wall and finding out if my shoulders survive.

Wish me luck.

June 21, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:11 pm

The link is where I went on Monday. Still way too overwhelmed to discuss it so I’m going to chat about trivial things.

There seems to be a sea change happening in a lot of parts of me. I’ve gone pretty much off hanging out with mary jane and I feel really good about it. I thought it would be significantly more difficult than it is. I’m not really missing it except on the days after the days when I smoke. I smoked twice last week instead of the once I intended but visiting people you see twice a year is an exception iffen you ask me. [If you don’t ask me then why are you reading?]

Anyway I find that my head is clearing a little and that I can in fact enjoy things without being high. Like the Big Beat. It’s this crazy solstice party that I have attended 4 times in a row and the first three I was high off my ass the whole time. Check this out. It’s JUST AS MUCH FUN when you’re sober.

I know.
Weird in the extreme.

Thing is I don’t ever want to totally give it up, but smoking every day is so overrated and frankly rather boring after a few years.

Along with this I notice (most of this had already started before mary jane went on vacation) that what I choose to read and do is changing. Watching television is less interesting with each passing day. I don’t mean I’ll give it all up, I just mean that as my body continues to heal those activities that involve lying on the couch are losing ground to those that involve physical activity and/or other people.

Truthfully I’m a little relieved that the television habit is fading. It was seriously getting out of hand.

As for books, while I think that I will continue to love good fiction and most especially good fantasy or science fiction I do not feel that it will be as large a factor in the future. I sort of feel like I’ve read all the stories, and although the good dialogue or characterization is always to be cherished well… i’m sort of bored. I solved this problem at first with humour and will continue to read several really seriously good authors for a long time. However there is so much more that I want to read now. I find myself wanting to read PLATO!

[don’t tell my dad, he’ll be thrilled]

I think that along with my increased healing has come increased capacity. I’ve managed to set myself up a life that (although still filled with money problems) is fun, rewarding and has enough flexibility to allow me to do many things that I love. Because my work is no longer sucking all the creativity and friendliness from my soul [as i was once heard to type… ‘answering the phone for a living will beat the nice right out of you’] and my life is no longer filled with pointless computer crap I find that my BRAIN is actually thirsty for knowledge and experience.

So rather than wanting to stick to the familiar, to read for escape, to watch tv for comfort or to surf the same old websites I find myself hungry, nay starving for new experience. Textbooks are interesting. Museums have taken on a whole new glamour. Music is becoming important to me again. Making friends is actually something to delight in rather than someting to dread. Heck I’m even actively looking for someone to date. Okay that last one’s been on for a while…

Tragically this does mean that my apartment is a much messier place than it once was. Funny how that happens when you’re never home.

Speaking of new… man that Dave Chappelle guy is SERIOUSLY bitter and so damm funny. I don’t think I could watch more than an hour a week without twisting my brain into knots. Wonder what my new thing for tomorrow is…

June 18, 2005

Bored now

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 5:58 pm

I *was* addicted to the matchmaking website linked from the title but I’m not anymore. The tests and questions are fun but eventually you’ve answered all the questions *and* done all the good tests. At that point you are reduced to randomly changing your settings in order to have someone new show up in your match list.

Frankly the whole thing escapes me a little. Instant messages that consist of ‘hi’ and when you reply ‘hello’ they sit there and wait for you to carry the conversation. Women who thank you for actually trying to make friends and then don’t answer your mail (all the while claiming to be looking for friends and not men on their profiles). Men who send email that says “hi, you look very interesting, write to me and tell me about yourself…”

Uh yeah… I did in fact write an extensive profile, why on earth would I bother rewriting that for someone who can’t be bothered reading it in the first place.

Better yet is the guy who emails interesting things, starts an instant messaging conversation and then never answers your follow up email. Like whatever.

I don’t understand. Why am I expected to do all the work when they are contacting *me*??? Isn’t it the contactor expected to make an effort and not the contactee? Perhaps I’m just locked in the age of my mother and still expect men to do all the work. I just don’t think that’s it. If you’re going to send someone an email telling them you’re interested in them… shouldn’t you at least pretend to have paid attention to what they said about themselves?

I’m tempted to get men I like to do the questions just to see how we match up, but take the site seriously as a way to meet said men? Not so much. I’ve decided to chuck the dating sites and just participate in my life instead. If I don’t meet someone I don’t meet someone, but the matchmaking website thing is for the birds.

[The tests were sure fun for a while though!]

June 17, 2005

New kitten!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 7:03 pm

Any name suggestions are welcomed… she’s currentlly considering Pandora, Nina, Slinky, Parker (cause she’s nosy) and Tessa (for Contessa but she’s pretty bratty for that one)

mouse the cat

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 7:01 pm

June 11, 2005

things i’ve learned from the internet

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 8:56 pm

or how not to go insane.

I’ve learned that if you’re a regular or a popular person on a matchmaking website then the thing to do is to diss the bloggers. If you’re a nerd or don’t show up that often you’re allowed to have a blog. Of course I tend to surf in my matchlist so I could be self selecting. Still and all it’s a bit funny.

It turns out that if you have a blog then you’re lame because you think that someone will bother to read what you write. OR you’re lame because you’re supposed to like tell your friends what you’re doing instead of expecting them to read your blog.

Personally I expect noone to read my blog, I just think it’s fun to write.
This is quite good as noone is reading it.

The blog linked from the title is really good. It’s all sorts of visual pictures of things that the author likes. Perhaps that is the trick, to post photos. Still it seems there are so many blogs in the blogsphere that really no one is going to notice.

If you make a blog that nobody reads… is it actually there?

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