snapshots of an idle mind

September 30, 2005

truth and freedom

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:21 am

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You know the old adage ‘the truth will set you free’? Well it’s true. I said something true to someone today and a) they reacted quite well and b) we are suddenly more comfortable with each other. That’s kind of cool.

This is something that I’ve noticed in an ongoing way in my life. Many times I haven’t told people what I’m really thinking because I’m shy or I’m afraid that I will lose their friendship or I’m afraid that I will hurt their feelings or whatever and yet universally every single time I’ve told the actual truth to someone the reaction has been positive.

Funny because it’s the hardest thing in the world to do and you have to be willing to risk a friendship to do it or it’s really not what I’m getting at. I recall once that I told a friend that I felt he needed anger management or stress management counselling. Can you imagine how afraid I was to do that? I really really took a deep breath and danced around the subject and looked for euphemisms for ‘you’re really angry a lot of the time’ and still I came out and said it and he reacted so well. [holy crap, is that sentence as long as i think it was… this impossible to see it all at once thing is odd] In fact he thanked me for the advice. His doctor then fucked it all up but that’s his doctor and not on me.

There have been friends that I’ve basically dropped because I didn’t have the balls to tell them how they had hurt me or stunned me or were stifling me or whatever and to them I send out a gross and significantly overdue apology. If I knew where you were I’d send you a card. Anyway, what did that get me? It got me lost friends and hard feelings that could have been addressed. Funny thing is that if I had had the balls to tell them the truth I might still have a friend and maybe the friendship would have deepened. Scared girl too afraid of losing her friends to tell them the truth loses them anyway. Irony.

It’s really weird though, I have universally been terrified about telling people truth that I didn’t think they wanted to hear and nearly always they thanked me for it. You would think that such positive responses would encourage me in the telling of the difficult truths. Demonstrate to me how worthwhile it is and yet still I so often find myself shying away from things or candy coating them.

Some of this is, I’m sure, due to my subconscious realising who can and who can’t handle what I’m actually thinking but at the same time there’s more to it than that. When a friend started on a path that I was sure would find his marriage shattered at the end of it there wasn’t anything that I could say that would have stopped it or made it easier for them. So I simply cautioned them to take their time. I didn’t say ‘i see doom ahead on all sides… run in circles scream and shout!’ Was that the cowardly option? Would I have been better served or would they have been better served had I told them my unvarnished thoughts? The not so nice ones?

Human relations. What an endlessly fascinating topic. Seriously I think I should have been a socioanthropologist or something because I have strange and wonderful realisations about the average human. Of course my own behaviour fascinates me the most. It’s so strange and unexpected.

Funny too, everyone I know thinks that I’m so brave but I’m so afraid of the things that are important. Physical risks are easy. It’s the emotional ones that I have a hard time with. I’m so cautious about taking chances, so hesitant to leap into things that could actually wound me that I sometimes wonder what I’m missing out on. I wonder if that little piece of me that is always detached, always protecting me, always sober [seriously] is preventing me somehow from getting more deeply involved with things and people.

I don’t (by the way) think that that’s it, but it’s fun to wonder about things like this.
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There was a moment at band practise tonight where my inner drummer came fully out and what I was playing and what I was hearing in my head matched up. sublime.
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I had to wear a jacket today… and change into jeans for warmth instead of style. Fall is here ring the bell…

It’s time for this bird to sleep, have a good one kids!

[be advised i have no graphical user interface for the foreseeable future, if you have word verification in your comments I ain’t able to comment on your blog…]

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September 29, 2005

la lalalalalaaa… lalalalalaaaaaaaa lalalalalaaaaaaa!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:33 am

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*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*

I’m so fucking delighted right now. Hubris and I went to the gym and did some routes. How did we manage this you ask? Well, firstly, HUBRIS GOT A HARNESS!!!
*dance of glee*
So we went straight in and it turns out that all of the 5.7’s have been turned into 5.11’s because of some Kentucky trip at thanksgiving. Which is fine, but there’s no routes to warm up on in the freaking gym. So I jumped on a 5.8 that I had climbed most of last week at somewhere around hour 4 and I bounced up it. And hubris was all 5.10 5.10 and I’m all ‘no dude you have to warm up!’

So he did. And I did. And then we climbed our faces off. Hubris actually climbed 3 of the 4 5.10- routes at our gym and flashed one of them! I was having a fantastic night myself, I flashed I 5.9 that I’d never seen and finished some routes that had been digging at me. (BEFORE they got changed for a change) And then it was 10:30 and my whole body was pooped and that’s when I did it.

I went over to a 5.10- and I tied on up to it and you know what motherfuckers? I climbed it! Okay there was some falling off at one point where I couldn’t get the feet and I took a couple of swipes at it but I started lower and really did figure out the move before I finished. I topped out a 5.10-.

TODAY!
did I mention…
*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*
*dance of joy*?

No? just checking you know. Oh, and in case I didn’t tell you, I CLIMBED a 5.10 MINUS!! Yah!
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In other news, kde didn’t build either. I’m really looking back on 4.11 with some serious fondness. Here I am still stuck with the text browser. I should get viv’s auld peecee off othercat and just install to that. Sucks but whatever.
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light strikes a deal is heading to New York for a dog show this weekend [i know a dog show.. i’m stunned… he so didn’t seem like the type] Anyway he’s doing a drive through of Toronto on his way and we get a visit. Hubris and I are stoked.

Also, hubris flashed a 5.10-
and I climbed one.

First one in three and a half years.

It’s possible i’m excited.

la lalalalalaaaa lalalalalaaaaaaaa lalalalalaaaaa
:)

*snicker* i’m now just having fun writing ridiculous happy things while pondering the incredible exhaustion in my forearms, shoulders etc. So fucking tired. Three hours with one ten minute break of solid harder routes than either hubris or i have ever been in the habit of climbing.

I feel a little tendony actually so I’m going to probably skip out until saturday. Cousin has cancelled computer work next week so i can hit the gym on saturday and tuesday and probably friday. Should be cool, hope I can meet up with hubris’ new harness again.

I really have nothing else to say and my eyes are closing and I have a class in 8 hours. Feel free to keep talking about age differences in the previous two posts. Those are some really interesting comments y’all have been making.

Night!

September 28, 2005

still waiting

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:28 pm

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i’m still stuck in text browser land so i’m borrowing TnA’s computer for a bit so i can post something. it’s really freaking frustrating working in a text browser because you can so easily delete whatever you’re typing and there’s really no way to get it back. It is, of course, much better than nothing!

Still it will be nice to have a working computer and things like image editing capabilities on my home computer. Trying to edit images on the web is like trying to type through molasses. Hmmm lovely mental image that *grin*

damm TnA’s connection is fucking slow!
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I’ve been really enjoying the comments my crap post generated. I find it interesting how many of the men I know have fond memories of an older woman that they’ve dated. I have definite fond memories of the men that I dated who were significantly older and yet somehow it feels different. I think it’s that leftover 50s prejudice.

What’s funny is that I don’t feel remotely judgemental when I see relationships where the woman is significantly older. I just assume that the guy is extraordinary or that they share some common passion or whatever. So it’s not that I mind such things… I think really it’s the line at 25.

I once said to a man I know that I felt that dating a man under 30 would be like taking candy from a baby. I’ve since reconsidered that and dropped the age to about 23 because after that I think it’s a fair fight. *grin*

Seriously with most teenagers it would be like leading a donkey by the carrot above his nose. I truly feel that it would be so easy to manipulate them that it would almost be criminal. Not the extraordinary 19 year old of course, he’s so self possessed that he is truly the exception that proves the rule. That guy may be nineteen but he’s a man.

Perhaps that’s it. It’s not about numbers at all but about man versus boy.

I have met at least one person recently who is in his thirties and yet is fully still a boy waiting for the world to provide his fun and excitement. He’s not proactive at all and he’s definetely not going after his life, he’s just letting it pass him by. [damm now Sam Roberts is stuck in my head… ‘i feel my life is passing me by…’] Not to mention that he lacks (self) awareness to an extent that’s hard to imagine if you’re as aware as I am.

And I’ve met at least one teenager who is out there grabbing life with both hands and not sitting back and waiting at all. So although the one is 12 years older than the other it’s really the teenager who is the man.

So I guess the numbers really aren’t relevant, it’s about relative maturity. In general the way to bet involves older beating out younger but I certainly know men in their 40s who are still children in everything but name. Sitting around talking about what life owes them.

Life doesn’t owe you shit motherfucker, get out there and live it!

I’m sort of tempted not to post this yet just so i can see if the comments continue as they have been but I don’t think that will work. I do notice that it’s getting harder to post every day. It’s easy when you’re cheerful and busy but harder when you’re not doing as much. It’s funny that I say that because I’m crazy busy right now.
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Hubris and I are off to do routes this evening and I’m totally stoked. There’s a couple of routes that I climbed but didn’t flash and a couple of others that I’m like two moves from finishing. I feel I’ve just had a bit of a shift so I’m thinking those babies are mine.

I’m really happy with my body right now, it just did one of those shifts and now I’m feeling and looking a lot better and I feel taller and lighter. Also my shadow is looking better. don’t laugh I’m serious.
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My classes are on an upswing. I’m over ten classes a week now and I only need about five more to be able to put the occasional penny away. As it is I should be able to afford my life as long as I act really poor. I’d like to get enough more classes that I can drop the three I teach on the weekends and have a weekend life that allows me to get out of town again!

Still it’s better than I expected and I’m starting at a new club that plans to add more classes shortly. Cool beans right?

Off to clean/teach/climb, hope y’all are having a wonderful day.

September 27, 2005

crap

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:08 pm

pics are up in the post now
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crap crap crap

kde spent like 30 hours building and then it ran out of space. fuck. so i have to start from scratch and you all will have to wait for your regularly scheduled blog comments [lynx can’t see the word verification image. word verification bitches] crap.

i really want a working gui i really do… i’m all spoiled now and this lynx thing isn’t doing it for me. That’s okay, I can still post even if I can only comment on some blogs (NONE of which are updated *grumble*) and at least I can still read them. This is sorta neat. Lynx gives you a line of text to write on and then keeps scrolling and scrolling so the actual edit and check your work functionality is totally gone. I just have to trust my brain to remember what I just said.

Don’t laugh, I’m not high right now I should be able to do it. I think I’m going to spend the day watching tv and occasionally typing things like make installkernel KERNCONF=MANTICORE about once an hour or so. Currently the world is building and that’s actually strangely fun to watch. You just see this crazy code stuff go scrolling across the screen and eventually it sort of makes sense.
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So I posted my sledge pic to okcupid after all and it’s getting some good comments. Only from people who are already interested in my profile but nonetheless it seems to be working. I’m starting to wonder if my pics on that site are somehow misleading. Why you ask? Well I get a lot of attention from the 18-21 set and that seems a bit odd for a 34 year old woman. Hubris tells me that I underestimate the older woman effect. Sure fine… 6, 8, 10 years maybe but 16? That seems like a lot. I know that when I was 28 I dated a guy who was 44 and we had a pretty good time but the age difference really did make itself felt. When it comes to an eighteen year old I’m thinking that that 16 years is even longer. I mean I’m effectively twice the guy’s age. The pics I have up are my sledge picture, my blogspot profile pic and a couple of others where you can actually see my face. I’ll post them to this post later if I can ever get the gui working.

I think I look my age in those photos. It says 34 in my profile after all… so what’s with the kids coming after me? (for the record anyone over 25 is exempt from these comments… it’s the 21 year olds I can’t comprehend)

Maybe I’m being sexist. I know when I was 20 and dating my 31 year old boyfriend I didn’t think anything of it. In fact it was one of the healthiest relationships I was ever in. Sometimes I am so tempted to track that guy down, but I did once and we talked a bit and I grew and changed and he well… didn’t really. Why would he after all, he was a fully formed human when I met him. So why was it okay for me to date way above my own age and yet I think it weird when way younger men come after me? Hrm… methinks I feel some old prejudice working itself out.

That said, a 32 year old woman that I know recently split with her 21 year old boyfriend and apparently it was just those problems that split them up. She was just in a totally different place in her life than he was and it just wasn’t reconcileable. I think once both parties are over 25 there is a possibility for meeting somewhere in the middle of the life stages you’re both at, but until then I’m just not sure it’s possible. This guy she was dating was living with his mother and making like 60k/year and so would lecture her on her finances. She’s got debts, life history, an apartment to pay for and so on and here’s this kid lecturing her about how to save money. Apparently it about made her want to kill him.

So there is a happy medium somewhere with the age thing and I think it’s 25. I think somehow that that’s a magic number for figuring out relationships with or without an age difference.

Of course not all 25 year olds are created equal *grin*

[oh man, mouse jumped up on the windowsill which harriet considers her exclusive domain and harriet has spent like the last 40 minutes trying to get up there and mouse keeps just looking at her and not sharing. So harriet has finally figured a way up there and now mouse wants down and can’t figure out how. So they’re wrestling in the window… damm you guys are cute! And now they’re chasing each other around the place and sliding around the floors…]

I guess I just wonder what would possess an 18 year old to come after a 34 year old. I can understand 25-45 really but after that it seems a bit strange to me. It could be that I already have done massive age differences and so I’m aware that anything over ten years gets really weird. You’re just so not in the same place in your lives and often your priorities and needs or desires just don’t jive. I know there are exceptions, I’m pretty sure bo derek was happy every day of her marriage to that guy who’s 25 years older than she is… but she seems a bit of an extraordinary woman really.

Okay really I don’t care, I just want to know why on earth teenagers are after me and people anywhere near my actual age range just aren’t. Weirdness.

September 26, 2005

text browsers and other calamities

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:01 pm

I am currently typing into a grey window with blue text and totally winging it. I’m not even sure if this will post but it saved as draft okay so I’m feeling good. I’m actually really impressed with the Blogger nerds because lynx is this really old text browser and this interface is fully functional. I can edit my posts and comment on blogs and everything and all with no graphical user interface.

That’s most excellent stuff.

Why am I using a text browser you ask? Well I decided that it was high time I have a functional desktop computer instead of a giant machine that maybe runs a web browser and that’s it. It was when I needed dzer to resize pictures for me that it got out of hand. So I copied my data onto my server and started upgrading from Freebsd 4-stable to 5-stable. Non nerds I apologise… pretend I’m talking about climbing. Look pretty muscles!

I wrote a nice little post here and then made the calamitous error of hitting the back arrow to navigate and going back a page. In lynx this means you’ve lost your post.

fuck
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okay so you don’t get the big long explanation about upgrading my operating system and the explanation of why it’s building a gui and why that takes so long. Nope, I’m skipping that and going straight to what turned out to be the meat of the post. It actually starts at the climbing gym though.

I was at the gym yesterday and my arms were probably too tired from chopping wood but I didn’t care, I just wanted to climb. Really I wanted to do routes but g wasn’t there and hubris can’t buy a harness. I have a lack of endurance from this that I really need to work on. So I was working a problem that I’ve been working on for a while and finally I actually started to make some progress. In fact I’m hitting the next hold but not quite getting a grip on it. This is huge, I was stuck on this problem for like a month at least and I hadn’t made a lick of progress. [as in I was hanging off a hold and could NOT get myself going up no matter what i tried]

So there’s this 18 year old girl who started climbing like a month ago and she’s throwing herself around the walls and working all these crazy problems that I can’t even look at yet. And I know that I should really remember that spider woman is a teenager and she hasn’t been broken repeatedly and her shoulders aren’t compromised and we all learn at different paces and and and. It’s like with hubris, we started up again together and I spend at least as much if not more time at the gym than he does and i teach pilates and do other stuff and yet he’s outdistancing me by miles and miles. And the distance is increasing. I know I shouldn’t let this get to me but it does. When they start working some problem I can get halfway up and start dropping holds and jumping around the wall I get a little unhappy and impatient with myself.

I know that I should just be delighted that I’m allowed in a climbing gym again. I know that I have to pay close attention to the twinges in my shoulders. I know that patience is my lesson but dammit.

It’s hard to have patience and to remember that we’re all different and that comparing yourself to others is a fool’s exercise. But still, I’m impatient and frustrated. In fact that seems to be the theme for my life these days. I don’t think that it’s just the dating thing either although that’s enough to depress anyone. It’s certainly not like teaching pilates, climbing and hanging out with my friends is a bad life. In fact it’s a damn good one.

It’s just that there’s something missing. If I were a writer I would write, if I were a painter I would paint but I am neither of these things. And yet I feel some sort of desperate need for an outlet other than this blog. I love my blog but if I keep sitting here being maudlin everyone else will be like ‘yeah this blog sucks let’s go’ and although it is my personal outlet for whatever I’m thinking I do rather like getting comments and visitors. Also, I would bore myself to death.

So, I love photography but I only have an instant camera and I can’t stand those things for taking photographs. It’s a very nice instant camera but nothing in the world will turn it into a digital SLR capable of changing lenses on a whim. Well except a pile of cash which y’all may have noticed I don’t have. And other than photography nothing except maybe a pottery class really appeals to me. Tragically I can’t afford that either.

I just don’t know what to do with myself, I’m all full of nervous/antsy energy and I have no outlet for it. Can’t even ride bicycles yet cause of the shoulders and that was always good for a couple of hours of exhausting yourself.

The problem with this kind of energy is that you have to harness it or it does whatever it likes and if you’re me that means it sticks itself in your brain and starts to make really negative and shitty thought patterns and then I sort of spiral into maudlin depression. And I don’t mean melancholy like my post the other day I mean full on depression. The thing with that is the cure for depression for me involves sun and exercise. However I’m doing as much exercise as I can bear right now (well my forearms anyway) and the other things I like are still out of my reach so I just can’t figure out what to do with myself. Whatever it is it better distract my brain and fast.

It’s fun having a great big brain except when you have nothing to feed it with… it’s like hunger… when you’re hungry your body starts to eat itself and hungry brains are a lot like that. They’ll find some hanging flap and start tugging and tearing and just generally causing mayhem until you can’t turn it off. The nice thing about being in my thirties is that I can see the signs and I know a lot of the ways around the mental quagmire but that doesn’t make it easy and currently my methods aren’t working.

Need some brain food, just can’t think of what the brain is hungry for.

suggestions are, of course, welcome.

September 25, 2005

totalling the wood pile

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:19 am

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I totalled the wood pile today. So my sister has lots of wood for the next few months and I got to toss some of my mental crap at some wood. It was very satisfying. Also othercat took a picture of me wielding a sledgehammer and just for dzer here it is:

I’m actually contemplating sticking that one in my okcupid profile…

There are piles of great pictures from today. Othercat, FL and I went up to see la lovely sister of mine and they hung out and took pictures and I chopped the wood pile. Yes, the entire rest of the woodpile. Yes, in one day. [fyi yes, i’m speaking specifically to the people who know how much wood was left last week]. The wood on the left and near right of where i’m working is split already and then up to the farther right is the stuff left [and some has been stacked at this point]. Good me did the hardest crap the first time.

Here’s one where i’m irked cause the sledge didn’t hit the wedge properly and the wood i’m working on went off the ‘table’ and so I have to pick up that motherfucking heavy crap again:

These are my tools:


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After I finished the wood pile and incidentally broke the auld axe handle trying to get a stubborn fork knot to split (hammering a stump that’s attached to an axe into another stump is an excellent way to break an old axe handle when the knot is extra stubborn) on the LAST FUCKING log of the day we all went for a drive to Eugenia Falls and then the Epping swamp. [aka the alligator crossing…]

I plan to post pictures of that as well but I think three 2MB pictures in one post is enough. Well okay, one more before bed:

Isn’t Eugenia Falls lovely?

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Thanks to dzer for photo shrinking for me… y’all should thank him too, this post used to load 8mb of photos!

September 24, 2005

double dessert night

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:25 am

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sorry boys… but this is for bubbles and t-love and buttah and viv and…


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Well I had some excellent pizza and a moccachino this evening. I think the pumpkin pie was the best part. Came home and TnA plied me with chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Double dessert night mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I don’t feel guilty about my overindulgence due to my small lunch and wood chopping tomorrow. Wonder if I’ll be up for climbing on sunday. No whoop if I can’t, there’s always monday afternoon with hubris. Wednesday is getting to be pretty regular because tuesdays are too busy and thursdays i jam and sometimes sunday is regular but that one goes in shifts.

Thig is this guy wants to offer me teaching on the weekends and I’m a bit wary because Saturday is currently my only day off and it’s about to get occupied. This rather bites because days off are pretty important. I think I need teaching more than I need days off but it’s going to be hard.
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So really, what is it with guys lying about their height on dating sites and then going after tall women? I have to say that this makes really no sense to me at all. I’m 5’11” … it says 5’11” ON MY PROFILE. Have you ever met a woman that claimed to be 5’11” that was really 5’9″? ME NEITHER! Not once in my life.

Please explain what makes people think they’ll get away with it? 6’1 is not shorter than 5’11” I’m sorry to tell y’all. Sheesh it’s just silly.

I don’t need a guy that’s taller than me but it would be nice if he didn’t feel the need to lie about it like I wouldn’t notice.

I’m starting to think I should lower my standards. But that makes me want to hurl so I’m thinking being alone is better than that. It’s not that I’m particularly requiring of things. I mean some level of brain and social/self awareness is of course necessary. A little bit of spine and some funny and active and maybe a dash of musical/artistic talent/love would be good but really, I’m not holding out for a movie star or something. I don’t need a guy that climbs walls like butter (mmm that hot climber guy from my gym i climbed with once would be nice to hang with again though since he was really nice…) or has muscles that ripple when he breathes or the artistic talents of michealangelo or the genius of stephen hawking or a hot car or lots of money or the sexy accent or an unlimited supply of pot or a nice ass or height or gorgeous looks or a boat to take me around the world or dry witty humour or imagination. Wait, yes, I do need the imagination.

Some sense of adventure is also necessary… I like trying shit and running off places.

I guess I’m just trying to say that I’m not holding our for a hero or anything, just someone that suits me [and dare i hope… challenges me?]. What I guess I’m not hearing is all the friends that tell me how unique I am. Maybe I want to be a less unique snowflake.

Man… is that something to want?

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ponder
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no, no it really isn’t. this may be the first time ever my blog has had the same theme for days though. I think that I know a lot of people who after that moment of pondering would have to admit to themselves that yes, yes it is.

I think I know people who have made that decision. To become less than themselves in order to make it easier to find someone to be with. To let parts of themselves die off in order to wend themselves around another tree.

To some extent that’s what happens to us as we grow anyway. My footbag branch fell off a while ago as did my romance novel and race car building branches. But those branches were meant to fall off. I stopped feeding them and they died down to stumps and fell off unwanted. It’s just that the people I know that become less don’t do the same thing.

It’s like they try to stop parts of themselves from growing. Like they try to grow away from the sun or something in search of someone else who is denying themselves. Inevitably their stifled parts wake up and there’s hell to pay but I see folks try.

I don’t understand. If you can’t be yourself with your partner than what the fuck is the point? I understand compromise and learning to get along and maybe going climbing on sunday instead of friday cause someone would rather take me out to dinner… but I don’t understand just putting parts of yourself away and pretending they don’t exist.

Choosing to give something up for something else isn’t the same. As every father who has quit smoking when their wife got pregnant or gave birth knows. Not eating meat at home because your partner is a vegetarian? Not a problem. It’s the other thing. That chucking of things you love to make your partner love you.

How is that love when you pretend to not be yourself? When you give up the things that make you happy to satisfy someone else. Suddenly I’m ranting about direwolf. That guy was so jealous of any fun that I had that he wasn’t at. Also of every man I was friends with. Shit was fucked up. I know so many women who would give up their friends and their activities to satisfy that jealousy. I told the guy that *expected* me to cheat on him because he couldn’t love himself enough that I couldn’t take it and I left.

Some people would call that giving up too easily. They would say that I should have worked with him. I don’t get that, you can’t change people and you definetely can’t make compromise with people who don’t believe they’re worthy of love. They can’t hear you.
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Okay… snowflake on my lovelies :)

September 23, 2005

happy thoughts

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:53 am

. i spent 4.5 hours at the climbing gym yesterday and i’m only a little sore today. [it’s true i was doing routes the last hour and a half and the last hour of bouldering was lazy but whatfuckingever]

. my cats are healthy

. camping was blissful

. i climbed outside

. i climbed 4 days out of 5 [and yes now i’m taking days off until sunday]

. i get to chop wood on saturday AND see my sister

. i have a date tomorrow

. it rained today and suited my melancholy perfectly

. i like melancholy on occasion

. i realised that there’s no reason i can’t follow two tracks at once [ie date someone and proceed with my own life plan… weird huh?]

. harriet really is the kitten’s name

. i met a nice man for belaying at the gym

. yes of course he’s gay

. gas is going up

. look i’m poor and i can’t afford it and it will hit me harder than most folks i know when commodity prices rise but it’s good for the planet

. i don’t have to move even though i am no longer the super here

. i forgot i have 80 bucks to deposit from a lovely community centre

. bodyworlds is coming in like a week!

. i can pay my rent this month!

. hallowe’en is coming!

. hmmmmmmm hallowe’en costume *ponder*

. there are new questions i haven’t done yet on okcupid [most of them are sorta lame so far]

. I HAD TO TIGHTEN MY HARNESS!!!

. legs AND hips
(climbing harnesses fit at the hipbones and at the top of the thighs… women LIKE shrinking there)

. it was actually a decent amount of tightening too!

. i’m sleepy

. these days i actually SLEEP some nights

. i have my health

. i have my xavier rudd cd back

. i had a fantastic summer

. my pre accident not huge bras are fitting again! [you know, the cute ones with skinny straps and funky colours!]

. really that last one is fucking awesome

. i have three classes tomorrow and none of them are subs!

. hee harness tightening!

September 22, 2005

get over yourself sass

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:52 pm

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and then i read this… and my post from this morning just seems so silly and lame.

being yourself

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:23 am

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A friend of mine wrote a rant about online dating that is quite topical to my current musings so I’m taking the end of it and expanding. The original post is here.

friend said:
I have been told in the past that it is my brain that is my greatest asset and my brain that is my most potent enemy. At least right now that seems to be the case. None the less, I will not dumb down my profile. I will not pretend to be someone other than myself and for the love of God, I will not make people laugh. Yeah, I gots chore honesty right heah. Deal wid it.

Here’s the part I’m interested in. I will not pretend to be someone other than myself… funny that my sister and I were talking about this just last night and then I read that post. She said that when she was younger she would sort of turn herself into what men wanted with her speech, movement, hair style or clothing and that since she has started being herself instead she gets much, much less interest. And I noticed instantly that she’s right.

The more myself I become in social and dating situations the less interest I generate. Plus I’ve always had this awesome skill of making friends out of men that I find attractive… which gets me a lot of nice men to hang out with but doesn’t help my love life in the slightest. That said, a friend of mine recently became smitten with me and I asked him at one point how long he had known me before he fell for me. A year.

A motherfucking year.

So what I have to meet a guy, get to know him, hang out for a year, let my lovely soul and sweet compassionate nature show and then hope he gets into me after a year? Who the fuck has that kind of time?? Not to mention energy and willpower. Besides, chances are if I’m into you now I may well have moved on a year from now. Sure if I’m still single and you ask me out I’ll probably go but the smitten kitten will likely be smitten with or dating someone new.

Hrm, doesn’t seem to really be an issue on the dating thing actually what with my awesome recent dating history. Two dates in two years and they were a week apart! Do have one friday though so i’m up to three now. So yeah, chances are if i met someone tomorrow and had to wait a year for them to notice me I would probably still be single when he did.

People have suggested that I ask men out myself and do know that while I am not opposed to that I sort of believe that if a guy isn’t into you enough to ask you out then he’s probably not going to be into you enough to take you seriously for dating. Maybe this is my 50’s mother speaking but it’s how i feel.

I didn’t used to care about this so much you know, but now I’m staring the scary statistics age in the face with no partner and no real way to support myself and a kid if I do decide to do it alone. See at 35 all sorts of scary statistics show up… odds of miscarriage go way up, odds of birth defects go way up, odds of down’s syndrome double… bad odds get bigger and scarier. Which basically means that if I want to have a kid I either have to do it with my gay friend or alone and that even if I get together with someone I don’t really have time to wait until I decide if they’re like ‘the one’ or whatever. [see comments from jones for my opinion on the ‘one’]

I HATE these options. Hate them. A fucking lot. Neither of them are any good. Don’t misunderstand, being a single mother doesn’t particularly perturb me because I have a really good group of friends both male and female, gay and straight who would make fantastic role models for a child. However, my parents live in Italy, my sister doesn’t live in town and I don’t make very much money. Not to mention that I’m lonely. So somehow I’m supposed to figure out a way to fund at least 8 months off AND pay for some sperm (because if you’re going to do it alone you should just do it alone and not even know the dad) in a year.

In a year???

And here I sit just below the poverty line. I’m really not liking my options. I suppose I could give up having a child and just be footloose and fancy free for the rest of my life but that doesn’t particularly appeal to me. I suppose I could foster a kid and hope to be allowed to adopt him or her. I just don’t really want to do that. I didn’t know this five years ago but I actually want to have a child of my own. And I seem to want it pretty badly. Weird.

What makes this funny is that even though I’m actively looking for someone to date it’s almost worse if I find someone than if I don’t… because then there’s the dreaded compromising with yourself of doom.

‘well maybe i’ll give it one more year just to see if this works out with him’
‘i could wait a bit longer…’
‘hrm…’

and suddenly I’m 36 years old and staring the same bad options in the face but with my risk factors doubled.

Interestingly I don’t think that having a kid around would particularly effect my dating life. Considering that I’m in my thirties I figure my odds of meeting a guy with a kid are as good as my odds of meeting one without… and I’m thinking anyone into dating women in their thirties [what is UP with the 21 year olds messaging me on okcupid??] is half expecting them to have a kid as well. So moot point I suspect.

Wow, if you’d asked me 5 years ago I never would have believed I’d be in these shoes. Care to take a walk in them? [with them?]

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