snapshots of an idle mind

September 8, 2005

mixed up

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:05 am

i’m all mixed up right now.
– my parents left for italy today
– i got hired for two more classes
– i got fired from my superintendent gig (which has a strange element of relief)
– i chopped wood for two hours (which was VERY satisfying)
– i went climbing and discovered that i HAVE To take a few days off. No like have to

i’m not sure how i feel. i’m sorta sitting here staring at my computer and shaking my head. Seriously I just did that for like five minutes. I have some for pay classes that may or may not go and if they do I’ll be okay. But if they don’t? Damm. It’s going to get hungry around here for a while.

so i’ve updated my resume and given myself until monday to get a decent cover letter together and start sending it out. i’m not up to rational letter writing for a day or two i don’t think.

my parents just left. Like damm they’re gone until next year now and suddenly they’re really far away and i miss them already. i’m sure sis is missing them right now as well. i told them i was getting fired and they didn’t believe me. that’s okay, they seem to think it’s all right if it happens too.

the thing is i was so fucking tired of my boss at the building. like tired to the point of wanting to hang up on her just so i wouldn’t have to hear her voice anymore… but i’m still pissed. we had a ‘talk’ and three weeks later she said it was better and three weeks later i was fired. it’s hard to care because i can’t stand her and cleaning up garbage sucks ass and so does being tied to a building… but getting fired sucks.

it’s so undignified.

it’s also the kick in the ass my teaching career needs.

at least i don’t have to move. I love my apartment a lot and it’s cute and i’m happy here. i have decided to open myself up to the possibility of movement such that if the universe goes ‘hey man come over here’ i might just, but otherwise? I like this place and this neighbourhood.

on top of that my body is tired. and angry. and sore. and stiff. i need to just not do crap except the necessary until at least saturday and then maybe even sunday. i was sorta not wise to hit the gym today. i couldn’t really do crap. i think i may have gone simply to rip a certain flap. Which has now ripped and can heal :)

i have all these bits that just won’t do what i tell them to. things feel all stretchy and odd. i think it’s tendons. also my fingers are hella weak. that may be from the axe and the sledgehammer this morning though.

god it was satisfying to hit things as hard as i could for a couple of hours. Chopping wood is such a therapeutic endeavour i can’t even tell you. the only frustrating bit is when the wood is being cranky (and this whole fucking tree was cranky damm!) and you hit the shit out of it and the axe goes thump into the wood and stays. and stays.

and stays.

and you’re hauling this (inevitably) heavy hunk of wood around and you’re trying and trying to get the axe to let go of the wood (or vice versa) and not chop your fool legs off. it’s probably really funny to watch but damm is it ever frustrating when you’re in the middle of it.

still this is made up for by the sweet ease you feel when you hit it just right and the wood just breaks like it was meant to. the axe slides through the wood like it’s greased and sometimes gets stuck in the chopping block. In fact I split one log by accident today when i was using it as a table and split it too. That may have been my record best ever axe swing though.

there’s something so enjoyable about cutting wood. i just can’t explain it. i’ve enjoyed it since i was like 6 years old and doing it with a hatchet. it was always the chore i was most likely to want to help with forever. even when i was a nasty teenager.

it’s partly just watching your work pile up in front of you. it’s partly the noise and the sweating. i mean i looked like i was standing in a lake i was sweating so much. it’s for sure a little the visceral noise you get to make when you’re swinging the axe. (letting the axe swing? hmm).

at one point i was all ‘monica seles has nothing on me’ and then like half an hour later my sister called me monica. if you’ve ever seen her play tennis this is funny to you. otherwise you have no idea what i’m referring to.

okay i’m sleeping.



  1. sorry/happy to hear of your firing … I think.

    good news on the new teaching jobs, hope you get even more.

    and I can so identify with you on the chopping wood thing. I’ve helped clear forest with axe, machete, saw and chainsaw, starting from the age of about 10 or 12. Chop down wood, carry and clear wood, chop wood into smaller, more usable, burnable pieces. You’re right; it’s a very cathartic process. You have to concentrate so you don’t cut off a limb, but at the same time your mind can roam free and be unthinking for awhile … positive zoning.

    Haven’t done it in a long time, as the only call for cutting wood here is to barbecue for big family fiestas, and we haven’t had those in a while because most of my aunts/uncles have passed on. Don’t need it for heat. Don’t need to clear any more land.

    But maybe I’ll take my machete out this weekend and head to a small boonie location alongside the road and just chop down some sapling tangan-tangan.

    and anytime you wanna demo your grunt, just lemme know ;)

    Comment by DZER — September 8, 2005 @ 3:32 am | Reply

  2. Grunting like Seles…funny!!

    Well, from what I saw, you REALLY didn’t like your boss, and REALLY didn’t like being on call all the time, so it’s probably a good thing all around.
    But yeah, firing, that sucks.
    My end-of-job fantasy is always some sort of “Take this job and shove it” thing, but it never actually happens that way. I suppose you still have to live in the building, so you can’t explode on her. Yet.

    I have extra Ramen noodles, and garden-fresh tomatoes, if you need them.

    But, now you have no excuse NOT to become the best damn Pilates teacher in town!!!
    Congrats on the new classes.

    New opportunities Ms.!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — September 8, 2005 @ 10:00 am | Reply

  3. dzer: that’s how i feel myself. i’ve called the owner and asked for a letter to confirm that i can keep my apartment and all i said was ‘i don’t believe i’m the last person she will have these problems with’ and i don’t. she’s demanding, passive aggressive, moody and she rides you like a rodeo clown watches a bull.

    i wasn’t allowed to use a chainsaw as a kid and now i have a bit of an unreasoning fear of them. by the way, don’t cut down live trees just for some fun… that’s like mean or soemthing :) [farm has a woodlot, we just take the deadfall]

    the grunt can only be demoed while doing that sort of work. otherwise it’s just ridiculous.

    johnny: i can’t stand her… in fact i have very little that’s nice to say about her. she trashes the place and then fires me for not cleaning up after her every second of every day. what do you want from one human with a part time job lady?

    i’ll tell you, she wants them to revere her and work like dogs for the priviledge of having a free apartment.

    that’s not free in my world.

    mmmmm garden fresh tomatoes… i ALWAYS want those :)

    i think this really is an opportunity, i’m just hoping i get new classes fast enough to make up for losing half my income…

    Comment by sassinak — September 8, 2005 @ 10:16 am | Reply

  4. Sassalass — I’mhaving a bullet party today, so don’t mind my numbering/bulleting, k?

    – My mom has been teaching for almost 15 years and I would have to say that her biggest problems always stem from administration. I know it’s hard but I can guarantee that 90% of you being fired was due to her shit attitude, and had nothing to do with you. Just keep pluggin’ and eventually you’ll be ok.

    2. Blah on the job search. I totally understand.

    3. And bummer your body is crapping out! You seem like the type that will push herself until her body just refuses to work — I find that ridiculously admirable, but I know it’s SO frustrating (having done it myself once or twice). Just make sure to rest a bit and get back to it when all is right :)

    Comment by Teresa Naomi — September 8, 2005 @ 11:10 am | Reply

  5. sass: I just knew in some deep, granola part of yer soul you were a tree hugger! LOL … tangen-tangen are scrub trees, non-native to Guam, used to re-seed/forest the jungles after the devastation of massive bombings during the war. No one would ever write an ode to tangen-tangen, and it’s VERY rare to actually find an old, majestic one, because they make such good firewood and the typhoons rip them to shreds, by and large.

    I’ve gotta take some pics of this endangered tree out here called ifil or ifit … I love the stuff, and it’s used a lot for native crafts/carving … amazing dark hardwood.

    bleah … I’m blathering about wood at 225 a.m.

    Comment by DZER — September 8, 2005 @ 12:29 pm | Reply

  6. teresa i don’t mind bulleting, in fact i do it all the time :)

    I’m not too too stressed about the superintendent job, I got three new classes within the 24 hour period of being fired (two before and one after) and i’m in talks for a fourth. If I can just keep plugging on then i think i’ll be okay. It’s just i could see the light at the end of the financial tunnel for a second there…

    hee you know what’s really funny about my body crapping out? It’s the first time SINCE my accident that that’s been even POSSIBLE. I mean I was trashed, walking was too much for me. So in a way i’m really enjoying the current crap, I couldn’t have gotten to this level of physical exhaustion if I wasn’t actually effectively better. so yeah.. resting is HARD!

    (i find it ridiculously admirable in a person as well)

    dzer: yes, i am a stoner hippy chick it’s true. I love trees and nature and my heart breaks that we’re paving paradise for parking lots (yes that’s a shoutout to joni mitchell)

    what kind of trees were there before the tangen tangen got seeded?

    reminds me of them reseeding clear cuttings with single species. fucking ridiculous that crap.

    Comment by sassinak — September 8, 2005 @ 1:14 pm | Reply

  7. a lot of different kinds of trees … tropical rainforest trees .. ifit, da’ok, banana, coconut, banyan, ironwood …

    … and yeah, in the old days no one really cared much about eco-diversity … just “hey, we need some greenery here, plant a ton of XXXX trees”


    Comment by DZER — September 8, 2005 @ 10:27 pm | Reply

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