snapshots of an idle mind

September 26, 2005

text browsers and other calamities

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:01 pm

I am currently typing into a grey window with blue text and totally winging it. I’m not even sure if this will post but it saved as draft okay so I’m feeling good. I’m actually really impressed with the Blogger nerds because lynx is this really old text browser and this interface is fully functional. I can edit my posts and comment on blogs and everything and all with no graphical user interface.

That’s most excellent stuff.

Why am I using a text browser you ask? Well I decided that it was high time I have a functional desktop computer instead of a giant machine that maybe runs a web browser and that’s it. It was when I needed dzer to resize pictures for me that it got out of hand. So I copied my data onto my server and started upgrading from Freebsd 4-stable to 5-stable. Non nerds I apologise… pretend I’m talking about climbing. Look pretty muscles!

I wrote a nice little post here and then made the calamitous error of hitting the back arrow to navigate and going back a page. In lynx this means you’ve lost your post.

fuck
.

okay so you don’t get the big long explanation about upgrading my operating system and the explanation of why it’s building a gui and why that takes so long. Nope, I’m skipping that and going straight to what turned out to be the meat of the post. It actually starts at the climbing gym though.

I was at the gym yesterday and my arms were probably too tired from chopping wood but I didn’t care, I just wanted to climb. Really I wanted to do routes but g wasn’t there and hubris can’t buy a harness. I have a lack of endurance from this that I really need to work on. So I was working a problem that I’ve been working on for a while and finally I actually started to make some progress. In fact I’m hitting the next hold but not quite getting a grip on it. This is huge, I was stuck on this problem for like a month at least and I hadn’t made a lick of progress. [as in I was hanging off a hold and could NOT get myself going up no matter what i tried]

So there’s this 18 year old girl who started climbing like a month ago and she’s throwing herself around the walls and working all these crazy problems that I can’t even look at yet. And I know that I should really remember that spider woman is a teenager and she hasn’t been broken repeatedly and her shoulders aren’t compromised and we all learn at different paces and and and. It’s like with hubris, we started up again together and I spend at least as much if not more time at the gym than he does and i teach pilates and do other stuff and yet he’s outdistancing me by miles and miles. And the distance is increasing. I know I shouldn’t let this get to me but it does. When they start working some problem I can get halfway up and start dropping holds and jumping around the wall I get a little unhappy and impatient with myself.

I know that I should just be delighted that I’m allowed in a climbing gym again. I know that I have to pay close attention to the twinges in my shoulders. I know that patience is my lesson but dammit.

It’s hard to have patience and to remember that we’re all different and that comparing yourself to others is a fool’s exercise. But still, I’m impatient and frustrated. In fact that seems to be the theme for my life these days. I don’t think that it’s just the dating thing either although that’s enough to depress anyone. It’s certainly not like teaching pilates, climbing and hanging out with my friends is a bad life. In fact it’s a damn good one.

It’s just that there’s something missing. If I were a writer I would write, if I were a painter I would paint but I am neither of these things. And yet I feel some sort of desperate need for an outlet other than this blog. I love my blog but if I keep sitting here being maudlin everyone else will be like ‘yeah this blog sucks let’s go’ and although it is my personal outlet for whatever I’m thinking I do rather like getting comments and visitors. Also, I would bore myself to death.

So, I love photography but I only have an instant camera and I can’t stand those things for taking photographs. It’s a very nice instant camera but nothing in the world will turn it into a digital SLR capable of changing lenses on a whim. Well except a pile of cash which y’all may have noticed I don’t have. And other than photography nothing except maybe a pottery class really appeals to me. Tragically I can’t afford that either.

I just don’t know what to do with myself, I’m all full of nervous/antsy energy and I have no outlet for it. Can’t even ride bicycles yet cause of the shoulders and that was always good for a couple of hours of exhausting yourself.

The problem with this kind of energy is that you have to harness it or it does whatever it likes and if you’re me that means it sticks itself in your brain and starts to make really negative and shitty thought patterns and then I sort of spiral into maudlin depression. And I don’t mean melancholy like my post the other day I mean full on depression. The thing with that is the cure for depression for me involves sun and exercise. However I’m doing as much exercise as I can bear right now (well my forearms anyway) and the other things I like are still out of my reach so I just can’t figure out what to do with myself. Whatever it is it better distract my brain and fast.

It’s fun having a great big brain except when you have nothing to feed it with… it’s like hunger… when you’re hungry your body starts to eat itself and hungry brains are a lot like that. They’ll find some hanging flap and start tugging and tearing and just generally causing mayhem until you can’t turn it off. The nice thing about being in my thirties is that I can see the signs and I know a lot of the ways around the mental quagmire but that doesn’t make it easy and currently my methods aren’t working.

Need some brain food, just can’t think of what the brain is hungry for.

suggestions are, of course, welcome.

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20 Comments »

  1. Hey sass,

    LSD recommended that I check out your blog, and I find it sooo entertaining that I now treat myself on my lunch-hour by reading your latest thoughts. Usually don’t comment ‘cause it feels like a conversation among friends, but since you’ve asked for suggestions, I thought why not? So here’s a little free social work for ya, for whatever that’s worth…

    According to your blog:
    lack of funds + nervous energy + big brain + big heart (inferring this from other posts) = need for inexpensive brain food that will fill you up but won’t let ya down

    So why not take some of the time and energy on your hands and volunteer to work with people (particularly kids) that will take your mind off you and focus your energy in a positive direction? I’m not one to advocate volunteerism in condescending terms, but you have a lot to offer and kids have a lot to offer you…kids can rip right through “adult 30-something problems” and just make everything more real…reciprocal relationships that’s what I advocate! “If you have come to help me, please go away. But, if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, let us work together.” ~Lila Watson

    So if you’re interested in that sort of brain food, you can check out idealist.org to get a list of orgs in your back yard. Toronto is a Mecca of great non-profits, all usually hungry for volunteers.

    Comment by curious_ntf — September 26, 2005 @ 3:43 pm | Reply

  2. wow

    first of all i’m hella flattered to be anyone’s lunchtime treats! Please be welcome to comment, you have interesting things to say and if you’re friends with lsd then you’re already in my group :) Besides it’s how people in the blogverse get to know each other… [oh and thanks for the compliment lsd]

    i think that that is a freaking excellent suggestion. I had considered joining big sisters a while back but then I realised that I just had no time whatsoever to do that sort of thing. However, now that I’m not a super anymore I can be a lot freer in what i schedule.

    Kids are for sure more rewarding than adults for that kind of stuff and you’re right that they cut right through any adult angst your brain can throw at them. Also kids rock :)

    Hrm… definetely worth thinking about… must go investigate this idealist of yours.

    cheers and welcome to the fray ntf! (what’s ntf mean anyway?)

    Comment by sassinak — September 26, 2005 @ 3:57 pm | Reply

  3. well, you’re actually the first to ask me that….i could lie and be really creative, but why bother?

    let’s just say i set that handle up a few years ago when i first started an anonymous e-mail account just for on-line dating…i was curious and well, really needed to ____ (you’re a smart cookie; you can fill in that blank). very sad to say none of my on-line adventures have ever fulfilled my need. not that opportunities didn’t arise, but i wasn’t interested when they did…which makes me seriously question why i keep trying the on-line dating thing…guess it’s the hopeful romantic in me, but that’s a comment for one of your other posts ;)
    ~curious

    p.s. really, really loved your “hope” post. sent it to my best friend who had been saying the exact same thing to me about how great it was to just realize that fantastic guys do exist in the world, in her case in kenya…hope is a really amazing force! hmmm…maybe a kid/kids can help you find a different kind of hope in the world; cause they do rock!

    Comment by curious_ntf — September 26, 2005 @ 5:47 pm | Reply

  4. I’ll suggest another volunteer idea that works for me, which is going down to your local Humane Society and helping with the animals. It CAN get a little sad sometimes, but the animals really do appreciate the help. Whether it’s just petting the cats, or taking the dogs out for walks, it’s a nice break in a day, and you can do it in all seasons of the year. They SO need people to help there.
    It’s also fascinating to see just how many different personalities dogs and cats and bunnies and guinea pigs, etc, can have, and how much in common you can have with them.
    Relaxing, thought provoking, and you may even get licked!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — September 26, 2005 @ 6:20 pm | Reply

  5. Or pull some time in a foodbank, helping to sort stuff so they can pass it out. I did that, it was fun. Tried to volunteer in a homeless shelter but saw too many people who wanted all of their problems solved for them.

    Lynx owns you. Makebuildworld can to if you’re not careful. :D

    Comment by castufari — September 26, 2005 @ 6:41 pm | Reply

  6. can I just say how honored I am to be listed in two consecutive posts on your blog?

    and, as always, I am in awe of your boundless energy. grok on, canuck lady!!

    Comment by DZER — September 26, 2005 @ 8:03 pm | Reply

  7. I totally vote pictures.

    And not just of you, I would love to see the world from your point of view.

    Also, I suggest that you have sex, which is a great way to feed your brain. I know, I know… blah blah. I can’t help it, you understand.
    And then, I suggest that you tell me all about it.

    I read you all the time, I enjoy your insightful posts. I learn things on them. Yes, I do.

    *Love* to you Sass, as always!
    Umm, you mentioned Dz twice?

    No fair!

    Comment by Everything nice — September 26, 2005 @ 11:01 pm | Reply

  8. hey curious does that mean i should change my nick to sassinak_ntf?? I too am not having an overabundance of luck with online dating but i’ve met at least one really nice person that i’m friends with for sure. i do like being a hopeful romantic but it’s getting harder to maintain. I’m glad you liked it… i’m in fact thinking of having a kid of my own but maybe borrowing one for a bit will work.

    johnny: too heart breaking, i would want to take them all home…

    castu: i can watch the world build all day

    dzer: well i think you rock so i’m glad you’re honoured

    en: i’ll post more pics once the new os is installed… but i can only use pics others have taken as i do not have a useful digicam of my own… also… I WANT to have sex… but noone i’m wanting to have sex with is wanting it in return. or at least they aren’t telling me!

    I read your posts every time you post them as well bubbles… and i learn stuff and laugh my head off on a regular basis…. *huggles*

    also, you’ve been mentioned at least twice… adn would have been mentioned today but lynx ate my comment about you…

    Comment by sassinak — September 26, 2005 @ 11:16 pm | Reply

  9. I’m with Everything nice on this one. But that might be my own curiosity about photography. I’m not a writter either but I feel compelled to play with rhyming thoughts sometimes as my recent 2 posts have shown. For me , it is part of the reason I’m seeking therapy. I understand.

    Comment by green_hedonist — September 27, 2005 @ 2:16 am | Reply

  10. ooh! you can embark on quest to chop wood all over the world!

    just make sure you stop by Guam on your intercontinental tour ;)

    Comment by DZER — September 27, 2005 @ 10:52 am | Reply

  11. hey deez that actually sounds like a lot a lot of fun.

    bubbles and hedonist i would love to take tons of photos and put them up and show off my cool eye. in fact i’m a natural post card photographer *grin* … i just hate not having control of the focus, the exposure etc…

    it’s hard to comment in lynx geez. i had to reinstall the OS cause the /usr partition wasn’t big enough for that mother kde to build! *grumble*

    WANT A CAMERA THAT I LIKE!!!

    Comment by sassinak — September 27, 2005 @ 11:06 am | Reply

  12. come to Mac, my lil canuck darlin’ … it’s all about OS X Tiger … rawr!!

    Comment by DZER — September 27, 2005 @ 11:09 am | Reply

  13. sweetie your mac is based on my operating system. trust me i would run off to a mac in a second if i could afford it. that said, i use the guts of your mac osx with a different pretty graphical user interface on top.

    and i’m PISSED at mac because those fuckers aren’t sharing code back with freebsd and they hired all the fucking developpers too. If you’re going to use a free operating system the least you can do is share what you learn.

    still, wish i could afford a mac :)

    Comment by sassinak — September 27, 2005 @ 2:27 pm | Reply

  14. I love my Mini, it’s effective and quiet. Very quiet, if it wasn’t for the little light in the corner I’d not know it was on.

    You can get OS/X dev for Intel if you’re in the mood to tinker a bit.

    Comment by castufari — September 27, 2005 @ 2:46 pm | Reply

  15. dude i run unix… i don’t mind tinkering but it’s the coding i can’t do.

    currently installing the kernel before i merge and then install kde…

    wishes us luck :)

    Comment by sassinak — September 27, 2005 @ 4:09 pm | Reply

  16. One good thing about Apple hiring some of the bsd types, it’s gotten them out of their mother’s basements. :)

    Comment by castufari — September 27, 2005 @ 6:59 pm | Reply

  17. oh shut up

    :)

    Comment by sassinak — September 27, 2005 @ 7:13 pm | Reply

  18. wanna borrow my pentax on extended loan?

    Comment by lividviv — September 28, 2005 @ 11:14 am | Reply

  19. viv are you serious? because FUCK YEAH!

    but are you sure you won’t miss it or need it or whatever?

    damm that would be so awesome!

    Comment by sassinak — September 28, 2005 @ 11:47 am | Reply

  20. I noticed your blog had something to do with Pilates. We’ve been thinking about adding a Pilates program to our Karate School as an alternative aerobic activity. I really enjoyed the info on your site.

    Comment by Erik Mann — October 25, 2005 @ 9:51 pm | Reply


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