snapshots of an idle mind

October 31, 2005

happy hallowe’en/samhain

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:06 pm

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I don’t have too much time to post this because my mother is about to call me back. That said, I wanted to take the time to send hallowe’en wishes to y’all.

I think that people should take today more seriously than they do. Although perhaps serious isn’t quite the right word here. Today is the last of the pagan holy days that are still celebrated. Several others are marked as well but they’ve been coopted into christian holidays.

In fact, according to this website:
Samhain (or Halloween)
October 31. An ancient Celtic festival which celebrates the beginning of winter, marked by death, and the beginning of the Celtic New Year. Samhain means “end of summer.” Samhain is a sabbat universally observed, which is included among the Greater sabbats observed by neo-Pagans. The Druids, in ancient Ireland, once sacrificed to their deities by burning victims in wickerwork cages. All other fires were to be extinguished and lighted again from the sacrificial fire. This custom still continues in Ireland and Scotland, all fires in homes are extinguished and lighted again from bonfires, but without sacrificial victims. Samhain marks the third harvests and the storage of provisions for winter. The veil between the worlds of the living and dead is the thinnest during this time making communications easier. Souls of the dead can come into the land of the living. Samhain is a time for eliminating weaknesses, when pagan once slaughtered weak animals that were thought not to be able to survive the winter. This custom resulted in the modern practice by some who wanted to get rid of their weaknesses of writing them on a piece of paper and dropping them into a fire. Some baked cakes to be offered for the souls of the dead. Samhain was Christianized into All Hallow’s Eve or Halloween. The modern custom or trick-and-treating may have originated from an old Irish peasant custom of going door-to-door to collect money, breadcake, cheese, eggs, butter, nuts, apples and other foods in preparation for the festival of St. Columb Kill. Apples are included in many rites, especially as ingredients in brews. Dunking for apples may have been a divinatory practice.

This is pretty much the only Pagan turning point that exists in any form today. I suppose some cultures still celebrate May Day but I don’t know anyone who has ever done it. Anyway othercat and I decided to mark the Pagan New Year with a New Year’s resolution.

In fact we’re going to lose ten pounds each by christmas. We even shook on it! (and looked apprehensive!)

This is really just so that when we celebrate the solstice in december we can eat like the gluttons we are and still come out ahead in January. You see I have 20 pounds left to chuck and he has 15 and we’re both feeling inspired because hot doctor went and dropped a bunch of weight and he’s looking fantastic. Yes, he got HOTTER.

I’m sorta happy about it though because i get all his old pants… and the best part? They actually fit. In fact they’re *tight*. Can you imagine how weird it is to wear pants that are *tight* when you’ve been wearing what was effectively a sack for the last year or so?

No, I don’t think you can. I’m basically walking around looking in mirrors and wondering if I should be looking at something in a bigger size, if i should lose more weight before I wear them and so on.

Why is this ridiculous?

You know the great tester or whether jeans fit or not? Well if you don’t it’s the roll. Yes the roll aka back bacon that hangs out over your waistband and looks terrible unless you’re wearing a super baggy shirt.

Yeah, no roll. In fact smooth belly rising out of said jeans. Shut up, we’re not talking about sitting down!

That means they fit right? No matter how uncomfortable it is to move in pants that are snug they fit. So that means I’m a size 32 now. Yeah dudes… I’ve gone from a size 24 and you can’t buy jeans by waist size cause you’re too fat to a size 38 and then down to an 18 in women’s sizes to a 32 (puts me around 12/14 in women’s sizes i think…). And that is still a little bigger than I wish to be but at least it’s within shouting distance of where I want to end up.

It’s so strange to be this close to the end of such a long trip. I’m really being forced to wrap my head around the fact that I’m not the fat girl who can’t move. It’s funny because when I became disabled it took me a really long time to accept that I was broken and that there were a lot of things I could not do. In fact I was already healing by the time I really got how fucked up my body was. I wonder how long it will take in reverse…

Here’s a before photo of othercat and i:

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Been looking into flights to Italy and I definetely can’t go. *sulk*

October 30, 2005

harumph!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 10:04 am

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so now that i’ve thoroughly enjoyed all of the external validation i received for my hallowe’en costume I have a small rant to get off my chest.

Hallowe’en, if I recall correctly, is about dressing as something you’re not for a day or an evening. Or maybe it’s about dressing up as something you wish you were. Or it’s about fantasy you.

Right?

So why is it that when I dress as barbarella who, although fully into sex, was a heroine and a bit of a badass that I get treated like a whore? First of all they get the guy dressed like a pimp to pose with me. But not because it’s amusing that he’s 5’2 and I’m 6’4 … no because then he can pretend he’s bugging me for his take.

Um what?

I’m not a whore I’m fucking barbarella. You know, Jane Fonda? The 60s? Hellooooo??

So I pointed my gun at him and looked impatient in the pic… *shrug* what else to do?

That wasn’t even the most annoying part… because yeah, I’ve had a pvc collection for a while and I’m aware of the response that that clothing gets. What shocks me is that some of the people in this group have known me for something like two years and in that time they have *only* ever seen me in baggy jeans and tight t-shirts.

There has never been pleather or pvc.
There has definetely not been any drunken fucking or even drunken hitting on folks.
There has been no dating of anyone in this group.
NOTHING.

Well okay I was interested in a few of them over the years.

I have done nothing for two years but be respectable, show up at drum circles, play my drum and dance. I stopped dancing because some lady’s husband looked at me in a way that made me feel dirty but I kept going and being polite. You know ladylike… cause yeah, I’m a lady whether I like it or not.

And then friday night one of the few coupled up men in the group who has always been kind and respectful just pissed me off like I can’t even put into words. He showed up dressed as a woman (in pants which was sorta neat) and of course got a lot of attention. And since I was barbarella I got a lot of attention and so there were a LOT of pics of the two of us taken.

And he never once failed to grope me.

Not once.

Rubbed my hip suggestively. Copped a furtive feel of my butt. Leered at me. Pulled me against him hard ‘for the picture’ etc etc etc. And nothing would stop this guy. I tried putting people between us. I tried having my bony elbows in the way. I tried everything I could short of ‘stop fucking touching me you fucking octopus’ and he never got the hint.

Other men at the party? Liked my costume. Clearly enjoyed looking at it. Made jokes about my height and still treated me with respect. But that select few really spoiled my night for me.

It’s hallowe’en. Be something you aren’t. It doesn’t give people license to grope you and treat you like a slut. It gives them license to be something they aren’t in their dress… but not to change their whole manner.

*shaking head*

I just don’t know you guys, I feel great that most people loved my outfit but that guy and a couple of others made me feel a little soiled. And I don’t know how to respond to that OR how to handle it inside myself.

I do know that I’m mother fucking pissed off though. And that I’m done with that group.

October 29, 2005

:)

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:06 am

October 28, 2005

to barbarella or not to barbarella

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:14 pm

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so i’m stuck with a small dilemma at the moment. i have this great costume idea and if i were partying downtown i would wear it and i wouldn’t think twice.

but

i’m not partying downtown i’m partying in the suburbs with children and i’m just not sure how a pvc catsuit and a pink toy gun will go over with parents.

the good news? the fucking catsuit fits again! the bad news? yeah it’s risque at best. really you guys if i were in town i woudln’t even think about it but i have to say i’m not sure how ten year olds would react to a lady in a pvc catsuit that well… how shall i put this… fits like the proverbial glove.

i won’t even mention the 5 inch platform boots or the blonde wig or the RIDICULOUS amounts of makeup.

so i guess what i’m asking is this. should i wear my tried and true tie dyed dress and blonde wig and green docs and go as ‘hippie barbie’ (pun intended cause yeah, i’m a hippy girl) or should i go with the ballsy costume and maybe offend some kids but at least be wearing things i don’t wear every day?

Or… should i just wear a fucking sheet?

Never fear, tomorrow the pleather comes out for sure. Damn I hate the suburbs, they create the lamest dilemmas.

Oh yeah and in case you missed it:

*clears throat*

THE FUCKING CATSUIT FITS AGAIN
doo dah
doo dah
THE FUCKING CATSUIT FITS AGAIN
oh doo dah day

going to be happy all day
going to be happy all night
the fucking catsuit
fits again
oh doo dah day

*giggle*

October 27, 2005

ohhh my aching head

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 5:11 pm

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which should imply what happened to me last night.

see i had a huge lunch yesterday and then not really any dinner (pretzels and dark chocolate holla!) and I cleaned a house and taught a couple of privates and then I decided to go climbing. i won’t mention that I was too tired and sore to be there because of a combination of 5 laps (round trip, up AND down) at the end of the night monday and the goddess’ torture class on saturday which opened up a new space in my spine.

one i suspect has never moved or at least hasn’t moved since my accident. i mean it fucking hurt to let that spot open up you guys like i can’t even put into words. still on monday i went climbing anyway because i was so sore and i figured why not? maybe i can stretch some stuff out.

yeah no.

so tuesday i was kinda wimpy in all of my classes and i didn’t really do anything. and then i got stood up by a client! and it’s extra insulting this one is because i knew him. (how funny is this… doctor refers me a guy that i had a massive crush on when we were in air cadets together… and tells me the guy is still hot!) but we figured it out, we caught up, we did the gossip about people i used to know thing and then buddy doesn’t show. that’s like EXTRA rude. especially because i didn’t have dinner at my cousin’s house because of him. (they’re too busy anyway but still…)

so wimpy tuesday. followed by wimpy wednesday because i don’t have to exercise when i teach privates, i just have to demonstrate sometimes and by last night i’m even more sore than i was on monday and i can’t even get my freaking hamstrings to stretch. (and yes, when i’m warm i can touch my head to the floor between my knees without bending them… yes i’m that flexible… yes it’s just wrong that i’m not having sex with someone and playing bedroom games with that flexibility… yes murph that was just for you.) So i figured that going climbing would actually help.

I promised myself that i would be gentle and not do too much and i mostly stuck to that. First I went and did some light pilates under the lead climbing walls [shut up I was not JUST there to look at the eye candy]{okay a little} and then i did traverses… but i forced myself to go really slowly and to try moving from my hip instead of my shoulder. And i forced myself not to use the same old same old holds and moves.

So I fell off a lot and worked pretty hard. And then I went over and worked a problem that’s been kicking my butt for a couple of weeks… and then i had a very nice conversation with a very nice man which may have included some electricity. Hard to say, I’m notorious for getting that wrong…

So then… yeah… i called up othercat and said ‘i don’t want coffee I want beer’ and he said “okay” and then foolish us had FOUR pints in two hours. And not enough water. Hell I even ordered food you guys and still… *shaking head*

I was fucking hammered off my ever loving ass on FOUR pints of beer. That’s practically non italian or something. They’re going to drum me out of the italian union if they hear about this. Seriously my dad will disown me and there will be full on rioting in the streets.

four pints… damm.

and i crashed too, i had to kick othercat out and pour my shot back in the bottle because i was too drunk to smell it let alone drink it.

so i slept until NOON today and drank a ton of water and still, still i have a headache. that’s just uncalled for. and also explains why this is not one of my deep and insightful posts… and why there is no thought to provoke.

my brain is on strike. it wants pot and it wants water and it’s thinking it may be willing to eat in an hour or so. maybe.

damm you guys my aching head!

October 25, 2005

weather veins…

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:47 pm

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okay seriously this has got to stop. everyone i know is feeling shitty EXCEPT the ones in relationships that were started in the last month or two.

everyone.

they’re depressed. they’re maudlin. they’re dying of alcohol poisoning (hi elle!), they’re broke, i’m broke, they’re not dating, they are dating, they’re defeated, they’re hopeless, their houses are robbed, they’re deleting their blogs, their marriages are ending or their relationships are dying or they’re near suicidal or whatfuckinever.

and you know something? i care deeply about every person i referenced above (but it’s no one else’s business who the unlinked folks are) and I want every single one of them to feel safe and comfortable telling me the things that are happening in their lives or their state of mind. Happy OR sad. Cheery OR angry. Optomisitc OR pessimistic.

Really I don’t care. i just want my cared for folks to feel safe telling me anything.

That said. Dudes I think we’re on some kind of downward spiral of reinforced negativity. And I’m contributing to it. I haven’t done a cheerful post in days. Okay there was the eric lindros moment but still that was more me ranting because I can’t believe that I like eric lindros… AND that i admitted it to my blog.

I really think that a large part of the effect is caused by a sudden and drastic shift in the weather. We (us northeasterners) were all wearing shorts and t’s less than two weeks ago and suddenly it’s cold and rainy and most definetely fall. It’s DARK out when I go teach in the morning.

DARK OUTSIDE!

Not to mention that the air is moist and the leaves are falling the the colours they are a changing. I think there’s something in the veins of we northeasterners that causes us to get a little miserable in the fall. And I think this is especially nasty this year because it’s a drastic shift rather than a gentle slope. We fell off a weather cliff so to speak.

And for a change the shift sort of happened all over the continent at once. My friend in north carolina tells me that fall hit there recently as well. I believe someone in cali mentioned a shift there too.

I think that humans drastically underestimate the effect that changing weather actually has on us. I think we go along blissfully and pay no attention to the weather except as it pertains to what we’re wearing and then we wonder at our moods. Any sort of barometric shift will cause a response in the body and it won’t necessarily be positive.

I told a friend of mine this and he said that he didn’t believe the weather had anything to do with it and then went back to being maudlin. I fail to see how the weather can be anything but connected. If it weren’t involved then at least a few people would be cheery and not maudlin right? Someone other than the newly sexed would be feeling positive?

Maybe I’m just reflecting my own mood into the mirrors of the people that I see around me?

Maybe I’m not?

I just think that our bodies are a lot more connected into the energy fields around us than we realise… and I also think that that’s cool as hell except when it’s doing this!

gotta go teach… be well folks.

October 24, 2005

other shoes…

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:20 pm

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do you ever have moments where a bunch of unexpected people in your life can’t say enough nice things about you? as though people are bending over backward to tell you how great you are? compliments are flying and not from any of the expected places?

lately that’s been happening to me a lot and i find it disconcerting. partly because i feel like i asked for it by posting my blue thoughts to my blog and partly because i suspect that my constant need for approval is really pretty transparent.

Still, very unexpected things have been said that I may have drawn out but still weren’t things that i thought i would hear. Like for example I have a “graceful rolling dancing way of walking” uh yeah. i do? damn that’s pretty cool. I would certainly aspire to have a walk like that if I believed such a thing were possible.

Also I have a sweet blog which is also awesome. I am a calm and sturdy presence in people’s lives. I’m hella hot AND classically beautiful. I’m awesome and a deep thinker. I have an old soul… shall I continue or do you get the idea? These are fantastic compliments. These are like the 10 out of 10 of compliments someone could want and really not many of them relate to how I look. Although the looks ones are great. And not one of these comes out of my blog comments which, trust me, are REALLY good for my ego.

And yet [and this is not a cry for flattery or reassurance although I do love both of those things, it’s just what I’m thinking about this afternoon] I don’t believe a word of it. Not a word.

I just keep waiting for the other shoe. [yeah that seems like a theme lately]

I keep waiting for the fantastic people around me who think I’m awesome to like notice that I actually suck. To realise the cranky unhappy person I really am. To spot how selfish and ungenerous I often feel. To realise that I’ve fooled them this whole time. To… I don’t know something shitty.

It’s not like I don’t know where this comes from. I can trace it firmly back to my enormous lack of friends from the day i started school until the day I graduated. Okay that last year I did sorta start to popular up but I still think it was because I started smoking and I was and still am a very generous person [read: easy to hit up for smokes.]

And it isn’t just that I had no friends. I had enemies. I had people who tortured me because they thought it was fun. They would befriend me just to set me up for something. I got beat up by a gang of boys from swimming. Regularly. [did finally win that one… but it took years] In high school I was the person whose locker got stink bombed. Repeatedly. Whose locker got taped shut or kicked in or whatever. Hell my french teacher wrote a reference letter discussing the grace (??!!??) with which i handled the negative attention. IN A REFERENCE LETTER! So it’s not like the teachers didn’t know it was happening.

The custodian knew my on sight and by name. He could find my locker without direction. In fact when he saw me he went for his crowbar without waiting to hear what I had to say.

My mother told me recently that I used to come home from public school and tell her what happened that day and that she would be amazed that I still had the courage to speak. This implies that I don’t even really remember just how bad it was. I’m just grateful that I had a mother who showed me that friends could be found in books and adults as well or I would be totally fucked instead of just screamingly insecure.

It does, I believe, go a long way toward explaining both my sense of ‘where’s the other shoe coming from?’ and my total difficulty believing that people like me. I recall discussing this with a friend (who dumped me not too long afterward [i think because i held her hand while she had an abortion and that she then couldn’t handle having me around to remind her] {incidentally that’s why I know I can’t ever have an abortion} [icky vacuuming noise] *shudder*) [hah how’s that for effective use of parentheses? (damm I love all forms of brackets and am sad i can’t use diagonals here cause stupid blogger thinks they’re html)] who looked at me very sincerely and said ‘but sass you’re not that girl anymore’ and that hit me very hard and I still go back to that moment when my insecurities get the best of me.

It does, I admit, lose a little power due to the dumping… but I can really understand how it’s hard to be around people who’ve held your hand through that sort of thing. Or with whom you spent several months being suicidal (different friend that dumped me… and was then embarassed when I greeted her on the street). Still E was right, I am NOT that girl anymore.

I’m a smart, talented, hella hot (!! yeah right :), witty, generous, compassionate and maybe even beautiful inside woman. But still there’s that little girl that nobody ever liked sitting inside that woman and going ‘yeah right’ or ‘just you wait’ or ‘they’re setting you up… you’ll see… I warned you!’ or ‘did i mention there’s another shoe?’ or whatever.

And I still can’t figure out how to shut her up. How to tell her that people *do* love her. How to tell her that even if people don’t love her that she’s still okay. How to fill that hole inside myself that can’t ever hear enough good things because I don’t believe any of them. How to look in the mirror and see the eyes or the collarbones instead of the saddlebags or the jiggly bits. How to hug that little girl and tell her everything is going to be okay and I definetely don’t know how to fill up the bottomless bucket of reassurance that she needs. How to see the woman everyone else sees instead of the girl I can’t let go of.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hella better at it than I was and a big part of it has involved teaching myself to speak nicely to myself. Not to call myself an idiot. Not to make fun of myself or my ways. To get rid of a lot of the self deprecation. To be NICE to myself.

That’s helped enormously and took years for me to even be able to see… but still. I always smell the other shoe… I always feel like shitty things are about to happen… and I want to let that go.

I just know that the nicer my life is the stinkier the other shoe gets.

What’s funny? I’m probably the most positive and cheerful person I know. *rueful laugh*

October 22, 2005

hairpin turns

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:34 pm

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ah it’s one of the posts with no title when i start typing. i wonder what’s coming.

I went over to othercat’s house and basically ignored he and his brother to watch the leafs get trounced by philadelphia. and i have a terrible confession to make. no i mean like SO embarrassing.

yeah.

it’s true.

i like eric lindros.

*hangs head in mortification*

*pauses for some killer dark chocolate with bits of candied coffee*

[yeah you bet your ass you should be jealous, this shit is SO GOOD!]

i like eric lindros.

*and*

*dies of shame*

he’s so god damm cute.

i just can’t believe that i like eric lindros but i do. he stepped up and he’s playing well and he’s clearly got his heart in it. I mean i suppose i can consider forgiving him for that whole nordiques incident since in return he didn’t get a stanley cup ring…

it’s just that he played for the flyers. for like a long time. and i don’t think he should be playing because seriously the guy’s head is so fucked when he gets a little older.

and still i’m happy to see him on the ice. the guy really is that good.

it was like (pauses to check google) 15 years ago or something now, i mean i’ve changed a lot since then i guess i can let him change… it just feels funny is all. It’s a habit not to like eric lindros… i’m used to it or something. i don’t like having to build new thought patterns about things like this. Things like this are fixed. Tie Domi rocks as does doug gilmore. eric lindros sucks and mike modano is a fully delicious man. These things are known. One doens’t have to consider them or wonder about them.

Like the villain in a harry potter book. you know who the bad guy is before you ever turn the first page.

Now if she made harry the bad guy? *that* would be surprising. but not as surprising as ME liking eric lindros.

Also, this is turning into a hockey blog on saturday nights…

Tough shit, if you don’t like hockey you probably shouldn’t read my saturday night posts!

:)

October 21, 2005

bleh

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:11 pm

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[if you don’t want to read my shitty mood scroll to the end of the post for an announcement]
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seriously bleh.

if i were jewish i would say meh. and i would say it with that particular inflection that the old jewish ladies get when they’re particularly disgusted or fed up and yet are so far past caring at this point that it’s not even really relevant anymore.

Mmehh. I can’t type it of course… and i’m sure buttah and anyone she knows who hangs out on J-date knows EXACTLY the noise that I mean.

Okay damn was that as bigoted as I think it was? I’ve decided to leave it in case it was and y’all have opinions for me about how not to talk like a bigot or a racist and still make cultural references.

so, that’s how i feel about my life today.

just when i was starting to believe that i was getting ahead in the world enough that i could do things like get a new windshield for my car that desperately needs one i got another little financial kick. On my way to teach I found my car making funny noises and definetely driving funny and immediately i pulled over to discover that YES i did in fact have a flat tire.

*sigh*

so i call 411 to get the number for where i’m teaching and beg off because even with a cab i can no longer get there in time and hobble my car to crappy tire a couple of blocks away. no, i didn’t change to the doughnut. yes i did drive on the rim. yes i was aware of what that would do to said flat tire. i was also aware of how old my tires were and immediately made the decision to replace a couple of them.

so i got a couple of new tires to stick on the front of my car and moved the two least fucked tires to the back of my car and 171 dollars later off i went with a car that no longer makes squealing noises around corners, feels much more stable, and CLEARLY needs two more tires.

so 221 dollars gone. cause yeah i also don’t get paid for the class i didn’t teach and then i get freaking fired from the place. which was, i admit, coming anyway. I could sense it in the response of the members and in the dwindling participation but i couldnt’ seem to figure out what would fix it. well i did but it’s too late, they’ve already decided i suck and must be gone.

funny thing is that my boss likes me okay but the members hate me. so yeah. she’s impressed cause i referred her to a friend of mine as a replacement. i mean if i can’t have the money RL may as well right?

[i wonder if my use or non-use of capital letters has anything to do with my mood…]

so… onward, manage to cheer up a little except it’s a lie. I’m NOT cheerful. I’m down and blue and maudlin and unfuckinghappy. but nonetheless onward. i manage to teach, i manage to go to band practise, i manage to pretend i know how to play my drum and i manage to accept another date with climber guy.

and then i realised. i’m totally exhausted, maudlin and miserable. do i really want to go on a date in this state? especially a climbing date when i can hardly feel my hands? no, i do not. so i cancelled and headed off to my noon class today.

and yeah we have to ‘revisit the schedule’ for the winter session because the class is undersubscribed and they can’t keep running it with only three or four people in it.

be careful what you wish for boys and girls. I was thinking how shitty it was to have a monday evening at 7:30 class and I lost it AND my wednesday morning! I was thinking I wished to have weekends off and I’m liable to lose friday AND sunday lunch. I better be careful what i think or something for the next while.

It’s like all those old jokes about the wishes people make when they find a genie in a bottle and how the wish always bites them in the ass. I feel like my random thoughts are somehow causing ass biting and that seems unfair. Not to mention that whenever I try to be considerate of people or whatever it also seems to be biting my ass.

Maybe I’m just sad because okcupid guy and I have decided that we don’t spark off each other and yet I think he’s freaking fantastic. All of the things a girl could want in a guy and yet somehow he and i are just not on with each other. I’m pretty sure I made a life friend though so it’s hard to be upset. Except I am sort of. Which is funny because neither of us is like emotionally traumatised by this and both of us agree that it’s the right thing. So why sadness?

Ahhh I’m silly :)

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*clears throat*
*taps mike*
“Is this thing on?”

I have noticed over the years that i am the agony aunt for everyone i know. So I’ve decided to steal a page from Everything Nice‘s book and offer that service here. However, if it’s sexual PLEASE take it to her because really dudes she’s way better at that kind of thing than I am. If however you find yourself needing a sounding board with a level head then feel free to email me questions and state their anonymity level and I’ll pass on my thoughts…

so my email is sassinakk@gmail.com which will soon be linked from the sidebar as well.

October 20, 2005

*tear*

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:07 pm

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*I* am really sad right now because I’ve just deleted Teresa Naomi AND stoned.nerd from my blogroll since their blogs are gone. In fact I’m seriously tearing up a little here. I know that seems ridiculous because both of them are people I’ve never met but I grew to count on their musings, to save up moments in my day when I would read what they had written.

Because the blogverse is a fluid and wonderful thing I know that the holes they leave will eventually fill as would the hole left here if I disappeared. That doesn’t make me any less sad. At least Teresa is going to continue commenting so her sparkle and wit will continue to be enjoyed. Hopefully nerd will do the same.

It brings to mind many experiences I’ve had on the net over the years as people have fallen into and out of my life and as I’ve done the same to others. I am referring mostly to IRC channels and usenet newsgroups that were the best place in the world for a while and then eventually got killed by spammers and flamers and people trolling to cause trouble.

Now the blogverse appears to be fighting a pretty successful battle against the spammers although it can’t do much but ignore the trolls and the flamers. Still they don’t seem as prevalent. Maybe because here they can just find their own voice and people to be asinine with and they don’t need to torture others as much.

Still and all it’s astonishing how fast you can get attached to people on the net. Time doesn’t move the same way here as it does in real life. Real life is full of peace and silence interspersed with conversation. There are pauses and moments of reflection that take actual time. On the internet somehow that doesn’t happen. It’s like the safety people feel by being alone in their homes as they post their thoughts for the world to read (or ignore) allows things to move so much faster because it causes some kind of openness that doesn’t happen as quickly in real life.

I’ve had some incredibly intense online relationships and some of them translated into real life relationships but in all cases the timeline was accelerated because of the speed of the medium. In life we are constrained by our schedules and our phones and our time to be *with* people but on the net we just aren’t.

I can email you while you’re working and you can email me while I’m sleeping and somehow all of that leads to a logarithmic curve of acceleration. [uh starts slow and gets steep really fast] I suspect that I will continue to have some of my most fruitful and satisfying relationships online and that I will continue to meet people the world over that I will wish lived next door.

Of course that’s part of the magic too. That you can meet people from here there and everywhere who will change your life because of their differing perspectives. The net really is a global village and is, in my mind, one of the few forces for truth and good in the world today. It’s hard to lie on the net and it’s hard to hate the people in (say) Guam when you actually TALK with one of them every day.

Maybe I’ll win the lottery and buy a little apartment building and populate it with my net friends. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Or would it? Would it steal the magic away do you think?

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AND castu. three of my blogs in one day. man and i got fired from one of my jobs. today is not a nice day.

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