snapshots of an idle mind

October 7, 2005

sabotage

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:13 am

.
Some of this will only make sense to some of you. Those of you who succeed effortlessly will think I’m cracked.

I am poised on the brink of some major changes in my life that will include doubling my income and working on really interesting cases referred to me by a doctor. A doctor I can call up to discuss said cases with as I need and one who fully expects to hire me when he opens his own practise.

And I knew that this was all happening but it wasn’t real. It was *going* to happen. There was some later involved… some time to prepare or stick my head in the sand or somehow not pay attention.

Except that later is now.

Today I saw the first referral from the doctor and we had a nice session and he booked for next week. So… one down. And it went okay really, I’m a lot better teacher than I was a year ago that’s for sure and so I was less nervous and more focussed.

Next week I have (as of now) 5 clients (one this guy again) from the doctor and a couple more were referred today. And don’t think that I can’t help them because I can. I especially can if I can go back to him for pathology questions and listen to his reasoning and suggestions. Which I do.

But.

He’s also said that it’s all about how these early clients react. If they don’t like my customer service or whatever then that’s it. He keeps looking for someone else to send his clients too. And I WANT THEM!

I want my income to more than double and stay that way.
I want to be working so much that I can stop working weekends.
I want to save a few sheckels
I want the funky cases that require thought and creativity.
I want to buy a home.
I want to stop driving to newmarket for one class

More than that. I really want to work with excellent doctors and healers. I mean who the hell wouldn’t?

It’s just that I have this bit of a history where I sabotage my own success. It’s like I notice that I’m about to make something of myself and I have to make sure that I fuck it up. I mean lord knows we wouldn’t want to actually have a positive income AND a job we love.

That would be like wrong or something.

It’s not that I don’t want to succeed. It’s certainly not that I want to stay this poor. Being a freeloader and resenting financial demands that loved ones put on you is no fun at all.

But it is what I’m used to.

Maybe I’m just the guy that forgot to look underwater:

(click on the pic as the text is worth reading…)

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13 Comments »

  1. self-sabotage is something we all do, and most of the time we don’t realize it until it’s after the fact and the damage has been done. if you’re worried about messing up now you probably have a pretty good idea of what not to do. yes?

    sounds like you’re on the right path. it’s okay to be a little worried that things might really turn out good for a change. go with it.

    Comment by factory_peasant — October 7, 2005 @ 1:44 am | Reply

  2. I think you’re in a much healthier place than you’ve ever been before. You’re more mature. You recognize past “self-sabotaging” behavior. So you’re ahead in the game.

    I read the part of the post where the doc said it’s all about first impressions/reactions of patients, and you know what I thought? I thought: Damn, Sass has it made! She’s gonna double her income, free up her weekend and be able to save some sheckels.

    Why? Because hell, if I can like you as much as I do from just some traded comments in the blogosphere, and if you really are as good as you are (and I know you are), then there won’t be issues. You will get these clients — and more.

    Congrats on your soon-to-be success, darlin’ … you deserve it, and all the accoutrements that come part-and-parcel with it.

    *blog hugs*

    Comment by DZER — October 7, 2005 @ 4:56 am | Reply

  3. SCORE! Opportunity has knocked – and you’re ready for it, it’s not one of those blind ones that catch you and allow you to pass them by, this one is standing directly in front of you screaming “LOOK OVER HERE, YOU CANNOT GO AROUND ME SINCE I AM IN THE WAY”. (All caps, AOL n00b)

    DZ, Sass has some serious magnetism. If the Sass I met projects that same self confidence to her clients then she is in.

    This is some farking great news. :D

    Good luck, Sass! :)

    /me would do a dance but today was legwork day at the gym and I can barely walk much less dance

    Comment by castufari — October 7, 2005 @ 6:33 am | Reply

  4. you guys rock. you really do.

    way to take my little ego and make it all happy about itself!

    factory: maybe maybe… just cause you know you’re an addict doens’t mean you can quit *grin*

    dzer: well, i like you as much as you like me if that’s any consolation :) You thought I had it made? damm i’m glad i make such a nice impression in text !

    cast: *hug* your poor legs… seriously dude go back to pilates *grin* [you liked me before you met me… is that a fair comparison for poor in pain people?]

    *lmao* aol aol (loser by default!*

    okay off to teach

    Comment by sassinak — October 7, 2005 @ 7:31 am | Reply

  5. It is terrifying for me to think about jumping in hands & feet but danm Sass, you’re right. This is big & it is closer than you think.

    Comment by green_hedonist — October 7, 2005 @ 9:21 am | Reply

  6. k – so everybody said what I wanted to say. I suppose that’s what I get….

    I say take the bull by the horns and ride it. Red flag and all.

    You can do it girl… you can.

    *huge sloppy kisses of congrats*

    oh, and *tee hee* thanks for sharing yesterday(and you know what I mean)…

    Comment by Everything nice — October 7, 2005 @ 10:54 am | Reply

  7. hedonist: dude it’s fucking huge and it’s now or never and i’m scared and excited both.

    bubbles: anytime on the sharing… if i get any good bare chested climbing photos i’ll pass those along too.

    i really believe i can do it, i have a gift for this that’s close to uncanny sometimes but that doesn’t make this any less a hugely scary place to be sitting.

    mmmm kisses!

    Comment by sassinak — October 7, 2005 @ 11:26 am | Reply

  8. sass! it’s amazing how i read some of your stuff and have that fantastic “oh my god i TOTALLY know what she’s talking about!” face goin’ on…

    sometimes, when things start to pan out i automatically shut myself down. ok, most of the time. i think that most of that is due to the fact that i keep telling myself i’m not ready or i need more time to come into myself or i’m too young. i think that maybe those thought processes become so ingrained in a person that they can become habit — and when one is smart enough, it’s too easy to rationalize oneself off of the path to success. maybe that’s because when someone feels they’ve reached success they think they have nothing to strive for…i’m not sure.

    long story short (cuz i could go on and on and ON about this kind of thing), you KNOW you can do it and you KNOW you want to. so maybe, stop thinking about the sabotage and just dive in!

    p.s. i’m sure everyone else has said the same thing, but, uh, i figured maybe i’d pound in the good advice a little bit more ;)

    Comment by Teresa Naomi — October 7, 2005 @ 6:04 pm | Reply

  9. teresa… you maybe pounded in the advice but you’re also the only one who claimed to know just what i meant and somehow that makes it more powerful.

    I am just diving in but every day when i have a choice between (for example) blogging and returning phone calls I have to work my ass off to make the phone calls happen instead of the blogging or the smoking or the calling my friends…. it’s just so easy not to do what’s important and then you’re left staring at a withered seedpod of opportunity with nothing left in it.

    i refuse to do that again. i just refuse. but that doesn’t make the days easier or the voice of laziness and failure and status quo any easier to ignore.

    Comment by sassinak — October 8, 2005 @ 1:38 am | Reply

  10. You don’t have to make a choice between calling friends, calling clients or getting your climb on. Allocate time for each, if you have 3 calls to make do them back to back and get them out of the way. Since they put food on the table put them at the top of the list. Once that is done then allocate your other time.

    Comment by castufari — October 8, 2005 @ 7:56 am | Reply

  11. oh i don’t make choices like that… when i’m up to calling clients i do it, otherwise i blog or whatever.

    it’s just that it’s always easier to do the easy things… that i don’t do the easy thing every time speaks only to my poverty *grin*

    mmm climbing :)

    Comment by sassinak — October 8, 2005 @ 12:49 pm | Reply

  12. I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe. I believe in you . I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — October 8, 2005 @ 4:27 pm | Reply

  13. *basks in glow of her friends love and support*

    Comment by sassinak — October 8, 2005 @ 7:48 pm | Reply


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