snapshots of an idle mind

October 19, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 7:44 am



what is it and how do you define it?

to start with allow me to explain that I am not talking about how to light a fire in the bush when it’s 30 below and windy. although I do know how to do that. nor am i discussing what happens when someone tosses a lit cigarette at a dry forest.

but you knew that.

no i’m wondering about that elusive je ne sais quoi that hits us unexpectedly. almost always unexpectedly. nearly never when or where we want it to.

now in my life i’ve had actual chemical reactions to very few people and i’ve had spark with a few others… and i wonder sometimes if you can’t impose it.

I recall a man a couple of men ago that i met in irc (internet relay chat… okay y’all can think of it as like a chatroom) and then very shortly afterward at work. (We met on the net and worked in the same place… not as wierd as it sounds, the auld internet nerd crew is small in any city and that’s the group i was in.) He arrived at my cubicle one day and stood there watching me work and smiling until I noticed him and I knew immediately that something would happen with him.

In the long run lac and I didn’t really suit each other… when things were tough he got clingy which irritated the shit out of me which made him clingier and yeah. badness. For the record you can’t imagine the level of clingy i’m talking about… sad dogs with hanging skin and drool issues come to mind.

The guy after him was totally different. We were friends for several months and then one day we started to sort of play with each other’s fingers and over the course of a short while we fell in love with each other. I’m not sure whether my accident killed a relationship that would have died anyway or not, it’s hard to say. I lean toward believing that it wouldn’t have died unless it was supposed to but damm that was an awfully brutal couple of years to put a baby relationship through.

But with tr (#2) there didn’t seem to be a spark at first. We hung out together constantly and got along great and wrote fantastic emails [no dude, fantastic] but both of us were convinced that a relationship between us would have been disastrous.

Perhaps we should have listened.

Still these are two very contrasting experiences. In both cases there was absolutely that certain something that just gets it to work for a while between two people. In both cases it turned out to be totally wrong for everyone involved and tr still hates me to this day.

He’ll tell you that he doesn’t but he’ll flee down the back stairs to avoid running into me at a mutual friend’s home. {serious… used the words ‘i must flee’ and ran off down the back stairs!!!}

So there you have it. Two totally different beginnings but both with one thing in common. Both had that certain something. One was just there and one developped (or was forced or was ignored at first?). This isn’t the only spark I mean though.

I recall one night in a bar many many moons ago I walked up to the pool table (in a great rock bitch outfit… big hair, tight black jeans and a hot pink body suit with laces in a strategic spot) and there was this man playing pool and it was electric. Like actual electric. I was thinking dirty thoughts, he was thinking dirty thoughts… I basically wanted to take him by a belt loop, drag him into an alley and do filthy things to him for about 48 hours and I really never cared if i knew his name.

I found out his name though… he was dating my friend AM at the time and she walked up as he started toying with the lace on my bodysuit and wondering what would happen if he tugged (nothing, those laces are not structural but it is a damm evil top for playing pool in… it has almost but never fall out *down*). Seriously I’m pretty sure both of us forgot that anyone else was even in the room. I’ve met those chemicals one other time… and damm it was FUN to do something about them.

That’s probably not the same thing as spark though… and interestingly both of those men were asses.

Now spark and chemistry at the same time? what do you think are the motherfucking odds?

I’m thinking they’re reasonably slim and I’m also thinking that the chemistry aspect of it is less important than the spark. That fascination with all things about another person.

The need to know them, smell them, talk to them, hear them, to know their laugh and the taste of their skin. That’s not the same as chemistry although I believe that it is chemistry in it’s own right… just different.

So there’s two factors maybe. Fascination and chemistry. One of which is a short term fire thing and one which can be short term but seems to have at least the potential to be turned into reality. I would say that fascination also has the potential to lead to awesome friendships.

In fact othercat and I remain fascinated by each other to this day (although we can bore each other to tears at this point too) and it looks good for us to remain fascinated for a good long time. So fascination doesn’t just mean someone to love in a romantic way. It can also herald the arrival of a lifelong friend. That’s another post though. [this post isn’t as interesting as i recall it but gets the point across and the comments are good]

With that kind of fascination there is a certain amount of hrm are we friends or are we more and I guess really the only way to tell which one it is is to figure out if you’re both feeling it. Of course then you have to decide what to do when only one of you does. To stay friends or to disappear forever. Interestingly both parties have to make that decision.

Still that doesn’t answer the original question. What is spark?

I don’t really know what it is, but I know what it isn’t.

I recall with tr that there was a moment when we started to touch each other. When our fingers started to dance with each other as we just sat on his couch and breathed and didn’t really speak. And my entire being was focused on the square centimetre of skin that was touching him or being touched by him. Like that was the only thing that was important in the Universe at that second. There are men that I’ve touched since then that I’ve had a similar response to and others where no, not so much.

And I’ve had full on sex with people where really my grocery list or counting ceiling tiles was more important.

So I don’t really know how to recognize spark. How to know when it’s worth pursuing and when you should drop it. When it’s worth trying despite the odds [like my friend denon who had an online relationship with an australian for a year and then she finally came over and they were married THREE weeks later and that was five years ago now… (hmm maybe six)].

So… back to the eternal question:

what the hell is spark?



  1. And so the conversation turned
    Until the sun went down
    And many fantasies were learned
    On that day

    Keep feeling fascination
    Passion burning
    Love so strong
    Keep feeling fascination
    Looking learning
    Moving on

    I would sing that for you but: 1) It’s outta my vocal range, for the most part; and 2) I know your feelings on karaoke!

    This was a great and very deep post, touching on a number of interesting relationship points. Spark vs. chemistry. Lust vs. love. Interest vs. intrigue. Passion vs. sustained interest.

    I think spark is that initial click. From there it’s up to the people to fan the flames into something stronger, and from there they have to be able to bank the fire to sustain the warmth for a long period of time. (All these fire references!) It’s easy to kill a spark if you’re not careful, but also if you’re TOO careful and don’t allow it the air it needs to intensify and grow. And while it’s possible to reignite a spark, it’s not very easy to do.

    Don’t know if I really contributed in any significant way to the discussion, but there ya go.

    Comment by DZER — October 19, 2005 @ 9:54 am | Reply

  2. Spark- #4 meaning: a small but noticeable trace of some quality that might become stronger; “a spark of interest”

    K, that’s text book.

    Spark. I would say that a spark in the regard that you speak of would elude to something that makes you curious and or certain that you want to learn/experience more about that person.
    you do not have to be in love to spark, though I agree it’s cool when love is involved.

    I used to spark. But got sick of being snuffed…

    I must admit that your post brings back feelings within me that I had surpressed. Albeit hurtful, sometimes I guess it’s good to reflect.

    I don’t spark anymore.

    and like Doz, i’m not sure if that helped in one bit… but that’s my two cents.

    Comment by Everything nice — October 19, 2005 @ 10:57 am | Reply

  3. the spark…you ever notice how when you realize the spark, it’s almost like an audible snap in your head? like something just shifted into place…

    i’m going to have to think on this and get back to you, sass.

    Comment by Teresa Naomi — October 19, 2005 @ 11:03 am | Reply

  4. damn you guys rock. i’m so blessed at the quality of commentors on my blog. hopefully this post will pull a few people out of the woodwork because i really want other folks’ perspectives.

    dzer: i think for sure the ability/desire to talk about nothing until your eyes close in spite of yourself is important and those lyrics reflect that feeling beautifully. i’ve been working on this post for about a month because i wrote the first two thirds of it and i knew it wasn’t done yet so it sat and it sat and it sat and then eventually there it was.

    it can be that initial click for sure… but i’ve also known people for a time and then one day *bang* just like that there was something new and different and wonderful about them and then they just got more and more interesting (and cute cause the human brain is like that) … i think you contributed a lot, not to mention STARTED the conversation :)

    bubbles: text book has a point, as do you. you don’t have to be in love to spark but you have to spark to be in love i think. you can spark with your friends as much as with your lovers but you don’t have to spark with friends or it’s a different kind of spark or something.

    what is this snuffage to which you refer? what do you mean you don’t spark anymore? i mena obviously you’re married and there’s a certain amount of blinder effect from that but you said you were hot for people and that’s at least chemistry… elaborate pleasE!

    treesa: girl it’s just like that. Just like that. you’re totally right. and you can’t ever shift it back!

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 11:18 am | Reply

  5. the spark is…’s that..a spark

    happens so quickly, so enigmatically..that you don’t even see the process, the sputter, the flame..just BOOM…all of a sudden something clicks, and someone becomes important, and the seperation of them from your life becomes heart wrenching.

    my friend’s theory is that your souls are entwined..kind of like a past life thing. ie–he thinks that all his close friends have known each other throughout past lives..and thus, when those souls meet again, spark.

    *shrugs*….the’s fantastic..yet sucks

    Comment by da buttah — October 19, 2005 @ 11:21 am | Reply

  6. you are wise beyond your years elle.

    it’s true, every time it’s happened to me, whether initial meeting or later in a friendship it’s been a sudden shift, a click if you will, that changed our relationship forever.

    i like your friend’s theory. i feel that hubris and i were brother and sister once and somehow we found each other and still interact in the way really good siblings do. we can share a 6 foot square kitchen and never bump into each other without speaking. and we did it the *first* time we cooked together.

    and yeah it sucks and yet… so fantastic.

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 11:30 am | Reply

  7. Well, yeah, k.

    Being hot for people is right… and I spark… but no return.

    Married sure.. once a spark, now a slow burn.

    Haven’t felt spark in years. Reading your post makes me realize how much I’ve missed it.

    Squelch longing and wanting to avoid depression and feeling of unwant? yep.

    Comment by Everything nice — October 19, 2005 @ 12:01 pm | Reply

  8. in my experience chemistry is an exchange or a meeting of minds. When it’s shared, its outrageously cool. Sparky even.

    You can be married and wanted, and lonely all at the same time.

    Sometimes I envy single people… they have no one to disappoint them but themselves. And if they are disappointed… they can leave, block phone calls, run out the back door down the stairwell.

    Comment by Everything nice — October 19, 2005 @ 12:04 pm | Reply

  9. Spark – I kinda wonder if the male/female definition are the same.. generally speaking.

    I really think that, for once, they actually might be, but possibly different ‘synapsis’ that fire.

    My spark perspective is actually basically ‘fired’ by mental stimulation – I know shocker! shallow arrogant bastard that I am – but I always notice that ‘the spark’ coincides with me raising one eyebrow and biting my bottom lip as I’m listening to someone.

    I do believe that there is a physical spark also naturally.. and that sometimes it happens without the mental. But I think the one that happens in your brain kicks the crap outta the physical one.

    Comment by murphy — October 19, 2005 @ 12:11 pm | Reply

  10. i agree with Murph. just this once.

    Comment by Everything nice — October 19, 2005 @ 12:14 pm | Reply

  11. bubbles: is being hot for people spark or chemistry? like by definition does spark have to be mental and chemistry physical?

    i think a slow burn for a marriage is most fantastic, just enough flame to keep it hot and not so much that it burns to ash in a nanosecond.

    i’m sad that you don’t spark… not even with new friends or anything? *small tear for bubbles*

    i think we’re arguing semantics a bit, like you use chemistry where i use spark and vice versa. to me chemistry is just that, chemical and may or may not mean anything whereas spark is in your brain and means everything.

    and don’t worry bubbles, us singles often envy the happily marrieds like you … not always, and definetely not the miserable marrieds who are legion… but the couples (like my parents) who still hold hands and goose each other walking down teh street? yeah little envy there.

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 12:30 pm | Reply

  12. all I know is that I get sparks, but don’t cause them. I’m anti-spark; I’m wet blanket.

    Comment by DZER — October 19, 2005 @ 12:30 pm | Reply

  13. murphy: i’m not shocked at all. i think you come across as a shallow arrogant bastard because it’s easy for you. i don’t for a second believe that’s what’s really inside you though.

    well put re physical vs mental and i totally agree :)

    bubbles: me too, freaky huh?

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 12:31 pm | Reply

  14. murph: yer blog cred is totally shot now! might as well stock up on pleated dockers, tasseled loafers and pastel sweaters to wear around your neck as you sip chardonnay by your outdoor fireplace ….

    Comment by DZER — October 19, 2005 @ 12:37 pm | Reply


    Sass – bend over and perk your ass up in the air for me would ya?

    Comment by murphy — October 19, 2005 @ 12:39 pm | Reply

  16. too little, too late, murphette …

    LMAO! Murphette!! I KILL me!!

    Comment by DZER — October 19, 2005 @ 12:40 pm | Reply

  17. dzer: this is a safe space where we try to welcome the unfolding of people’s softer sides… although he deserves it a bit for what he said next!

    murph: may i refer you to the competence with which i wield a sledgehammer?


    (okay i admit it, murphette is some funny shit)

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 2:33 pm | Reply

  18. I like the word ‘Kismet’, but I’ll go with spark for now!

    One of the things that occurs for me when a spark is present is that my creativity fires up. When I really spark with someone, all the little ideas for dates, small tokens of affection, and late-night chats come streaming out of my brain without effort. It’s an exhilarating feeling when the brain is that charged up by someone. I get a sudden dizzy spell when I first meet a sparky someone. Butterflies and goosebumps. When it’s there, you just HAVE to follow it, it’s too exciting!

    Without the spark, things feel a little flat, and dates will be forced. That’s not to say that you can’t have great fun with a non-sparky relationship, but I think that the interactions will tend to fall back on the accepted rules and regulations of the dating handbook, rather than coming alive with your own artistry. Kinda like playing the part of having a fun date, rather than having a fun date in real life. When you run out of the textbook dating tips and activities, there isn’t anything much left that you can think to do except shake hands and wander off.

    That said, I have had good success with sparks growing from apparently nothing over time. As I get older, I’ve been learning the value of taking longer looks at people than I used to. Patience in dating is, then, good to have, but I would agree with DZER that being consciously over-cautious about relationships will kill any feelings that may have been lurking. I’ve doused many sparks that way, accidentally.

    If you are over-cautious because, like me, you’ve come through some rough experiences, it might only be that mind-blowing sparkiness that can push you through the roadblocks that you put between yourself and other folks. I think a lot of small sparks get passed over that way.

    I wish big spark wasn’t so rare, and yes, I wish you could predict it. I don’t think you can. You just have to dive in with someone and hope that the water isn’t too shallow.

    Anyway, best wishes to you Sass for finding that spark out there, but make sure you grab one or two shaved-headed redheads now and again, sparky or not.

    Just to keep the joints limber.

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 19, 2005 @ 2:39 pm | Reply

  19. *lmao*

    *pausing to lmao some more*


    noun – That which is inevitably destined: destiny, fate, fortune, lot, portion, predestination. See certain/uncertain.

    hrm i’m not sure how i feel about that because it smacks of lack of choice somehow. i know it’s funny for a fatalist to be talking that way but i really think that you choose your own path, the Universe only encourages. And maybe i’m destined to be a pilates teacher but i don’t know that i’m destined to find ‘the one’ because i think there’s lots of ‘the ones’ for people… it’s where you are and what sets you off.

    heck i met a man that touched my back for a second and left it warm for an hour… but i can hardly think of two words to say to him so it’s not really relevant is it?

    I like what you say about creativity, I think you’re totally right on that. When you’re falling for someone for real you can find *anything* amazingly fun even if it’s just sitting on a step and watching people walk by. [which isn’t really a just for me, i love doing that… but i digress]

    the thing is that when spark comes at an initial meeting it’s easy to follow.. but what if it grows? shows up at the third meeting? or the thirtieth? then what?

    i think you’re right about the flatness as well. there’s a certain forcedness to everything that makes it all a little awkward. and i don’t mean teeth bumping when kissing awkward because that’s just funny… i mean awkward pauses or nerves that just won’t quit or whatever.

    so do you think that the relationships you had where the spark grew slowly over time were as interesting as the ones where it was there the first second? and i get what you’re saying about growth… but isn’t there a moment… generally involving touching or kissing where you go…hmmm not so much…?

    i don’t know that i personally am over cautious but i wouldn’t be surprised to hear that i am. i do know that there’s friend spark and boyfriend spark and they’re not teh same though… though i have seen the one grow from the other (tr).

    the thing with big spark that i wonder about is can only one of you have it? or do you think if one of you is feeling it the other needs must be?

    hrm… shaved headed redheads… *pause for thought*

    my joints are limber anyway… it’s the pelvic floor that needs some work!


    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 3:09 pm | Reply

  20. I still go with Kismet, because it seems that a lot of people here, maybe especially the ladies (runs and hides), are saying that the spark is either there or it isn’t. It’s a blind-siding kaboom. That sort of implies to me that choice really isn’t a factor, that spark is all mysterious and unfathomable, and spooky shit. That doesn’t mean that you can’t tease apart the mechanics of what’s going on, but who has the time and skills to work all of that out when there’s a new season of Survivor to watch!?? :)

    But, yes, I agree there are many “ones”, and “ones” for all, and they change depending on situations and occasions. There’s piles of them, really. Big juicy, hot, gyrating piles of them.
    (Takes short ‘relax’ break)

    Teeth clacking while kissing! *lmao*

    Sorry about that Sass. :(
    For me, that’s a strong indication that my head really isn’t in the game. It’s like letting a ground-ball go under your glove, or forgetting how many outs there are in an inning. I try to give myself a mental pep-talk if that happens. You know, “Get back in there! This is what you trained for! Shake it off!”. But, if the spark isn’t there, then my head isn’t either, and that’s when I end up chipping a tooth.
    Or pulling a muscle.


    And I’ve definitely been with women whose kisses I’ve felt vividly for days afterwards, and others who can’t seem to make an impression, no matter how many times we lock lips. What is the difference? I guess it’s spark. It could be that I was just tired during the sub-par shenanigans, so I try to get more than one make-out session in before I judge the spark size.

    But, regardless of the size or intensity of spark, there has to be some sort of gravity or attraction between me and another, be it friendly or sexilicious. If you feel that pull, at all, anything is possible, and I have decided (over the last few years) to give everyone that exerts even a small pull on me a fighting chance, a couple of weeks, a few dates, before I call a stoppage of play, or get pulled from the game. I may walk back to the dugout with my head hanging, and kick over the Gatorade as I fling my glove back onto the condom rack, but at least I can feel like I gave a person a chance, and hopefully was given a chance in return, which is what everyone here deserves.
    Even Murphy.

    I think the slow growing sparks have been my overall favourites. They required a deeper dig into a woman’s life and self, lasted longer, and gave me more in return, especially with regard to learning about myself and women in general. The blazing sparks I will never forget, but they do burn out faster, bubble and scar the skin and I often have a really jumbled memory of what actually happened. All arms and legs and fucked-up yelling.

    Those ones can be a lot like getting drilled in the head by a line drive. Sure it’s exhilarating and life-changing and such, but, afterwards, when you’re getting carried off the field in a stretcher,
    you kinda wonder if you should have gotten out of the way.
    Can you tell I’ve been watching the baseball playoffs?

    As for different levels of spark, it has only EVER lined up across the gender gap twice for me. Every other damn time either I had it, or she had it, but not both. You can only go so far with those instances of inequality, and they almost always end up in shambles and tears. Or out the back door and down the fire escape.
    Sorry again, Sass.

    I think that you are very cautious, but I also think that you are currently still trying to figure out who the new you might really be, and that where your sparks used to come from may not be as sparky anymore. I think that you are genuinely working to broaden your ‘manly horizons’, and how you deal with men, and I’m sure that you’ll get past some of your stand-offishness when you finally stumble on that hottie that you just HAVE to pull into the alleyway and ravish.

    Hopefully, with the added power of your screaming pelvic floor of destruction, he’ll feel more than a little spark.

    I’ll bet the whole neighbourhood will!


    Johnny Batter Up!!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 19, 2005 @ 4:39 pm | Reply

  21. i love that this post is getting blog length replies from people and thoughtful responses. I was REALLY hoping for that. I’m still hoping other regular but quiet readers will pipe up, this is one of the only posts i’ve ever done that i really wanted people’s opinions on.

    so onward…

    i’m not sure that we’re saying that it’s either there or it isn’t. we’re saying that sometimes it hits when you first meet someone and sometimes it hits later but that there’s always a moment when a switch clicks in your brain and then it’s there forever. what you do with it from there is up to you… sometimes you let it go, sometimes you go after it, sometimes you see what happens etc… but there’s a moment when the switch clicks. and you know i’ve seen people be friends for years and then suddenly *click* and they’re together forever.

    i always wonder with them if it hit them at the same time of if one of them was carrying a torch.

    oh dude… did you have to say juicy gyrating piles? my arms are too sore to go climbing damm you!

    dude i’ve never kissed anyone and not had our teeth brush off each other at least once… at least i don’t think so. i’ll have to ponder. there’s always some awkwardness or weirdness with necking it’s just how you handle it i think. you either laugh or keep going or get embarassed and stop… and that probably says a lot too.

    you’ve pulled a muscle while kissing??

    i tend to get the spark impression fairly quickly while dating…it’s the friends that can mess me up. the ones you don’t notice at first who do that oh so dangerous ‘growing on you’ crap. i know that figuring out the difference between friends you hang with and friends you make out with is one of the hardest things. i still don’t know if i wish tr and i had never dated… i learned a lot in that relationship and got a lot out of it but i did lose me one of the best friends i ever had.

    *giggle* fling glove over condom rack
    *howls laughing*

    i won’t ever forget any of the blazing ones either but i’m with you, it’s the ones that took their time that got to me the deepest and affected me the most for the longest time. still there’s that kissing moment… i think it’s a watershed.

    by the way this is a hockey blog not a baseball blog… can’t you make goalie metaphors and visorless centre metaphors??? yeesh *snicker*

    dude for what are you apologising?

    i wonder what happens when you have big spark on one side and small spark on the other. or small spark on one side and mild interest on the other. i suspect those are the stretcher incidents :)

    i’m standoffish? dammit. and here i thought i was approachable… but you know i think i’m both. easy as hell to get to know, hard as hell to get close to.

    screaming pelvic floor of destruction *snerk*

    i’m not really the drag a guy into the alley type… i’m sorta cautious and slow don’tcha know.

    go leafs go :P

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 6:07 pm | Reply

  22. Yay Jays!!!

    Leafs are poo.

    (Jus’ trying to draw you into an instigator penalty.)


    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 19, 2005 @ 6:23 pm | Reply

  23. well… othercat would say ‘go leafs go and take the jays with you’

    and i would say ‘no habs no!’ and then we would get really childish?

    harumph instigate this!

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 6:35 pm | Reply

  24. Say, getting back on track after Sass’ childishness (ducks brick thrown by Sass), has anyone been on an excursion or been third wheel on a date with two folks who are OBVIOUSLY sparking on each other (yes, it’s a verb now)?

    Aren’t they just relentlessly difficult to deal with?

    I don’t mean that they make you jealous, although they might, but that they are so into each other and whatever they are up to that they fuck up the program. You can’t get them to follow along, they miss connecting trains, can’t figure out what to order, etc.

    It’s back to that thing you said, Sass, about spark-pairs finding ANYTHING they do together insanely fun.

    I mean, it’s nice and all, we’ve all been there and maybe that’s what we all crave, but just finding a penny on the street will launch them into a long giggling discussion about how lucky they are, and who’s gonna get the wishes and what are we gonna wish for sweetie, and MOTHERFUCK would you just GET IN THE CAR!!!!?!?!?!!1

    Ahem, maybe it’s just me.

    And I’m sure that there are many torches being held out there that never get revealed. I’ve definitely seen friendships that are, at least partly, based on one person hanging around hopefully for crumbs of love.
    Has anyone else seen that, done that? I know I have.

    I see what you mean about post-sparkle choices and how it is up to you deciding how to act once the spark appears. Hmmn. Hafta think about that.

    Sass, I was sorry that you lost tr as a friend the way you did.

    And yep, pulled a leg muscle when a girl jumped up into my arms during a ‘hello kissy’ moment. Fuckin’ ouch.

    Hmmn. ‘Juicy gyrating piles’ now sounds like an entirely different problem. Ew.

    And with that, I’ll pass up-ice to one of y’all hanging quietly around the blueline.

    Take your shot!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 19, 2005 @ 7:09 pm | Reply

  25. oh masters of the universe yes! and you know what? those are the ones that never work out because it’s so much more like they’re trying to prove that they’re in love than that they actually *are*

    i don’t mean couples that are deeply in love… and those ones don’t tend to find the penny fascinating, they tent to touch quietly, share looks when people aren’t paying attention, disappear from parites early with noone the wiser and nurture their spark for a very long time… they don’t tend to miss trains and refuse to get in cars and generally drive people nuts.

    your mileage may vary of course… but whenever *I* have been that nauseating i ended up wondering who i was trying to convince.

    i’d like to hear the story you’re referencing though *grin*

    i’ve done it, it’s been done to me… it sucks either way… because you don’t want to hurt someone and you don’t want to lose your friend. i think that decision should get made with your inner 80 year old (my current measuring stick)

    johnny i was sorry about tr too, still am.

    damn… i pulled a muscle bowling dude, that was my lamest injury ever… pulled muscle while kissing… damm.

    well you have to decide how to act… but that doesn’t mean you get to decide what to do about the spark… or that you get to decide whether or not to fall for your friends now does it? first meeting spark is MUCH easier to figure out.

    i am irked at how everyone else bailed on this (to me) super interesting discussion

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 9:31 pm | Reply

  26. It’s a really good question. And just really hard to answer. You can feel attraction to someone and then realize how insensitive and mean they are and the spark will die out…or you can meet someone, feel no initial spark but then learn to love them. Some people are spark junkies…they just like that initial butterflies in stomach feeling and when things mellow out, which is normal and good in stable relationships, they get bored and move on. But they never make a deeper connection.



    Comment by Natalia — October 19, 2005 @ 10:24 pm | Reply

  27. All I know is that every spark ended up burning down my house.

    Comment by R. U. Serious — October 19, 2005 @ 10:46 pm | Reply

  28. damm cat deleted what i typed

    i have absolutely met and been attracted to asses, i’ve even boinked some or them. that said, realising that they’re an ass or an insensitive tends to get you over them nice and quick.

    learning to love someone is doable for sure… but at some point it sparks… at some point there’s a mental shift and you realise that you want to boink them… otherwise how can you do it?

    being a spark junkie sucks though :)

    rus: you still have a house… but i’m thinking you’re being metaphorical… i guess it’s your attachment to crazy women?

    Comment by sassinak — October 19, 2005 @ 11:21 pm | Reply

  29. spark


    okay sorry i love that word

    Comment by da buttah — October 19, 2005 @ 11:45 pm | Reply

  30. Just coming out for another quick shift on the ice.

    Sass: the story I’m referencing stems mostly from a group trip to New York City. The couple in question was just TOO in love with each other, and the rest of us would ditch them in a rotating schedule to go and get stuff done, with someone or two left behind to watch over the lovebirds. Because, honestly, they were just gonna get mugged the way they were wandering around looking into each other’s eyes.
    They were high school sweethearts, and, before they started dating, the fella was so in love with the lady that he found out and memorized her class schedule so that he could make sure to NEVER be in the same hallways where she would be walking, because being near her in any way made him deathly nervous and shy. He loved her so much that, in his mind, it was easier for him to never see her again. Kids, eh?
    But, they are maybe the exception to your rule about couples breaking up when they try too hard. They are still together, with two kids, and seem pretty happy, if tired.

    And, what can I say about the pulled muscle? I like active gals who jump on me. I’ve been ‘accidentally’ squared in the nuts by over-exuberant lovers too many times to remember.

    Love is ouchy.

    Natalia: ranting is great! More!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 19, 2005 @ 11:50 pm | Reply

  31. i second the more and raise you a PLEASE!

    johnny: wow, that’s kinda cool… i’m glad to know some of the nauseating ones make it too… it’s sort of hopeful making. and you know, i can sympathise… i used to turn into such a moron when talking to a guy i liked…

    but damm googly in new york seems a little dangerous for sure.

    buttah: sparkle?

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 12:01 am | Reply

  32. First off,BUTTAH:your first comment on “spark” made me SPARKED because it reminded me of my fave book,Remembrance by Jude Deveraux(which I highly recommend,by the way)that tells an epic tale of past lives and soul mates.

    Before I sidetrack,I think spark is in the manner of thinking.Sometimes *you* might be the one experiencing the “spark” while convincing yourself that,’yeah he/she’s the one’ when the other is NOT really feeling it but is just responding in a rather misleading way.

    Maybe I’m being pessimistic,but not all ‘initial spark’ turn out the way conventional thoery would’ve wanted it:to be everlasting.I guess for two people to mutually recognise a spark,like yor friend Denon,is simply romantic.However there are still those one-sided feelings that you just can’t stop contemplating.

    I’m still not sure of its definition myself and am so glad that you’ve posted on this since everyone would be able to explore its myriad interpretation :)

    Comment by Noreen — October 20, 2005 @ 12:42 am | Reply

  33. I think the question should also be “what makes you spark?”

    I think that is indeed different person to person and perhaps gender to gender.

    Comment by Dominator — October 20, 2005 @ 1:23 am | Reply

  34. i’ve heard a lot about this jude deveraux person which tells me i could mabe check them out since i’m always up for a new author.

    noreen you have a definite point. there have been times in my life when i’ve been interested in people and i would sit around and build these giant myth arcs of reality as to why and how they liked me when really they just thought i was all right to hang out with. i generally find that you can debunk those myths yourself by being alone with said people. often it’s easy to convince yourself in a group…

    that said, i’ve also had crushes on people that i knew *all along* weren’t right for me and still enjoyed the crush for the fun of it without taking it seriously.

    i’ve been thinking about this post for a while and i think i might leave it up an extra day because i’m really enjoying the replies. there’s definetely the how do you figure out of your head is making shit up question. and the how do you figure out if it’s mutual question. and the what do you do even if it is… just because it’s there do you have to pursue it? don’t you have to pursue it?

    ahh such fun :)

    dom: that’s a whole other question isn’t it? i’d be curious to hear your answer although it sort of tempts me into a whole other post.

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 7:55 am | Reply

  35. uhhh…. rebuttal?

    *putting on hip-waders*

    Comment by Everything nice — October 20, 2005 @ 10:26 am | Reply

  36. now now we don’t like to call elle a rebuttal


    for what dost thou needs have hip waders fair lady?

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 10:55 am | Reply

  37. My interpretation of all these thoughts is this:

    It’s apparent that ‘spark’ does not have one universal definition. I think that the feedback you’ve gotten on this is amazing and dictates that many have felt it… loved it… hated it… ignored it… welcomed it.

    I have come to the conclusion that ‘spark’ is just the first rung of the ladder to love (love would be at the top).
    Its spark that makes us climb the ladder… when we get half way, and realize the chemistry is either there or not there… we decide whether to climb further.

    Sometimes we reach the top… sometimes the rungs break and we fall. Haven’t read or met one person that hasn’t been burned from it (the spark that is).

    Rungs: Spark, Curiousity, Interest, Fascination, Chemistry (or failure), Engagement (in the way of interaction… not marriage), Care, Love.

    There. shew.

    Comment by Everything nice — October 20, 2005 @ 11:03 am | Reply

  38. Furthermore, any time I can pinch my husbands ass in public I do so… post haste.

    Comment by Everything nice — October 20, 2005 @ 11:04 am | Reply

  39. Lol yes,if you’re a soppy person like myself,Deveraux is definitely for you!I cried like a gazillion times while reading ‘Remembrance’.

    so anyway,sass–I can totally relate.I guess it’s just in the gender,we never fail to ask ourselves “what ifs” questions when it comes to relationships and a possibility of a perfect one is always on the top of our lists.And crushes are an everyday,unavoidable thing.

    However,in the question of ‘spark’ it’s hard to define it as it basically depends on a person’s past experiences.For a person to actually believe that a “spark” does indeed exists,I think it only happens to some RIDICULOUSLY LUCKY human beings who get to have great,wild sex after the occurence(spark).

    Damn karma.

    Comment by Noreen — October 20, 2005 @ 11:07 am | Reply

  40. holy mother of God, you people are verbose.

    Comment by Teresa Naomi — October 20, 2005 @ 11:08 am | Reply

  41. wow … 40 posts

    in sin city
    stroke kitty
    have no pity
    for an itty bitty
    little titty biddy
    as I sing my ditty
    like g. gordon liddy

    aren’t I witty?

    Now you have to imagine me saying that while tapping a bongo drum, dressed all in black including black beret!

    Comment by DZER — October 20, 2005 @ 11:11 am | Reply

  42. bubbles: i know can you believe some of the awesome comments? i’m so glad because i really thought about this post a lot and i was so hoping for this kind of response.

    anyway… you’re right there is clearly no universal definition. about the only thing we all seem to agree on is that once you feel it, once there’s a shift it’s there. you can ignore it, hate it, love it, grow it, smother it but it’s there now and must be dealt with somehow.

    i like your ladder analogy. i’ve for sure been burned in my life by a few people and i’m absolutely certain that i’ve done my share of burning though i do *try* not to hurt people… i think the hurting must be inevitable. i mean although he says no it’s clear that i hurt tr a hell of a lot or he wouldn’t still be running away from me.

    pinch on babe!

    treesa: they sure are, but it’s great!

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 11:14 am | Reply

  43. lmfao dzer.ok that really made me chuckle.

    Comment by Noreen — October 20, 2005 @ 11:14 am | Reply

  44. i would join in but i’m not allowed. have fun, guys :)

    Comment by Teresa Naomi — October 20, 2005 @ 11:15 am | Reply

  45. wondering why T isn’t allowed to.


    Comment by Everything nice — October 20, 2005 @ 11:18 am | Reply

  46. noreen: sadly, this is my one talent.

    t-money: we WANT you to join in our reindeer games!

    naughty one *hands you hanky*

    Comment by DZER — October 20, 2005 @ 11:20 am | Reply

  47. noreen: if you like soppy and historical romance check out ‘a rose in winter’ by kathleen e woodiweiss. totally gothic overdone megadrama love story but really well written :)

    do you really think that guys don’t wonder this sort of stuff themselves? i mean that just seems so… i don’t know, not right somehow. as far as i know guys wonder exactly the same things as women they just get at them from a different perspective.

    anyway i think you’re right about crushes and i think you’re right about that whole perfect relationship ideal. i wonder when it’s harder… when your parents are still in love or when they aren’t…

    it sure is tough to find something that works when i see my folks holding hands and goosing each other and just generally being perfectly happy to be just the two of them forever. course for some people those kinds of parents ignore the kids and fuck them up even more…

    wild sex is nice but that’s just chemistry… chemistry is important but i think fascination and ease with each other, willingness to be truly yourself with someone… more important no?

    or like my nana sais ‘marry someone who brings out the best in you’

    karma… yeah… that’s a whole other rant :)

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 11:23 am | Reply

  48. dzer: lmao… i love love love the black beret image!

    why can’t you play T? work shit? play a little? off to the edge a bit? toss us a grin on occasion?

    huggles bubbles and shares hanky

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 11:25 am | Reply

  49. sass: I think I’m to giant to be a beat poet

    besides, my specialty is dirty limericks

    There once was this blogger named sass
    Who was a very lovely and talented lass
    Beyond her brain and wits
    She had great lookin’ tits
    Not to mention hard legs and firm ass


    Comment by DZER — October 20, 2005 @ 11:32 am | Reply

  50. i want to, guys!!!! i really do! but you have no idea how evilly placed i am in this office! people can see EVERYTHING! and i’m on the verge of a promotion so i’m trying to be really good!!!

    Comment by Teresa Naomi — October 20, 2005 @ 11:38 am | Reply

  51. treesa: you can just leave the comment window open and reload it surreptitiously when no one is looking? better than clicking on blogs…

    dzer: *lmao* more more!

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 11:57 am | Reply

  52. i’ll do what i can, but i think the talk has died down.

    Comment by Teresa Naomi — October 20, 2005 @ 12:04 pm | Reply

  53. in winter as it starts to get so much colder
    it will get harder to find places to boulder
    feel free to climb DZER
    that dirty minded skeezer
    sans your over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder

    Comment by DZER — October 20, 2005 @ 12:12 pm | Reply

  54. *lmao*

    yeah T i think you’re right

    damn that means it’s time to write another post :)

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 12:31 pm | Reply

  55. Dzer: NOW you need a Poetry Blog!! Your creative output is building an empire.

    Everything: The ladder looks about right to me, and any rungs you skip on the way up haunt you on the way back down.

    Noreen & Sass: Guys certainly think about spark and the perfect woman and all the things I hear women discussing. But Sass, from what different perspective do you mean? Enlighten us with another post!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 20, 2005 @ 1:09 pm | Reply

  56. johnny: well put about the ladder… you are too right about that.

    i thought guys thought about all that stuff too… i just wonder if we come at it a different way.

    uh johnny i can’t be a guy, i need a guy to come up with that one… :)


    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 1:18 pm | Reply

  57. I think the spark is the catalyst, the moment that sets things off or could sets things off. Think if lighting a fire, you need heat, material and oxygen. If 2 people meet and *snap* there is a spark and both of them pickup on it then we have something BUT it needs to ignite further interest. If 2 people meet and *snap* there is a spark but one of them is oblivious to it then unless something happens, like a larger spark or a good gust it might not happen again.

    Damn OS X decided to pop a software update right as I’m typing…and it all went into the ether.

    Examples of spark…one person has a sense of humor, they’re in a group with the other person. The humor flows, they catch the eye of the other, who grins and boom. That twinkle of the eye.

    Then again maybe I’m so wrong. :)

    Comment by castufari — October 20, 2005 @ 10:25 pm | Reply

  58. yeah that’s the sort of easy one though…you know what to do there and all the signs are clear.

    but there are so many other tales of how people have fallen in love. so many different moments.

    what’s the thing that unites them?

    Comment by sassinak — October 20, 2005 @ 11:52 pm | Reply

  59. ah johnny had already answered your question.and sass-I couldn’t agree with you more.

    gosh my ‘nana’ never advices me on stuff like that.

    Comment by Noreen — October 21, 2005 @ 9:35 am | Reply

  60. noreen: she didn’t tell ME that, she told my mother who passed it on in casual conversation a few years ago :)

    good advice though

    Comment by sassinak — October 21, 2005 @ 10:46 am | Reply

  61. Sass!
    I guess I was trying figure out why you’d think that guys come at these issues from a different perspective. Why wouldn’t we come at it from the same perspective? You mentioned that you wondered about it, but what is it that makes you say that? Sounds like you have some inkling, but I didn’t see it in type.
    I know lots of folks just point out that women bearing children is more than enough to change how the sexes approach a relationship, but should that make any difference to the feeling of that spark, or just to how the spark gets treated?

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 21, 2005 @ 2:19 pm | Reply

  62. i think i wasn’t clear. i don’t actually think that men come at this from a different perspective, i’m wondering if they do. I don’t actually have any idea…

    you know not 5 minutes ago i sent you a checkup email *laughing* … maybe we’re a bit psychic.

    i guess i know that women love to agonize over little details ‘does this mean he likes me’ or ‘does this mean he doesn’t like me’ or ‘do i even want him to like me’ or ‘do i like him for mrright or for mr right now’ or ‘is it just i want to boink him or do i actually want to have a relationship with him’ or or or…

    mostly ‘he loves me’ ‘he loves me not’ really. so i wonder how guys think about this stuff and i wonder if it’s different.

    if you want to write a post about it i’ll guest blog you on my blog if you want?

    i’m wondering myself if that makes a difference to the feeling of spark or the treatment of it… and how much do life concerns affect these responses?

    Comment by sassinak — October 21, 2005 @ 2:35 pm | Reply

  63. Spark. For me it’s the Yea moment. It sometimes comes as a stomach flip. Mostly it’s somewhere in the eye contact part where my brain just goes blip and the next thought is Yea______________. I know that perosn just hit my radar, I very often have no idea if I hit theirs.

    Because I tend to be an all or nothing girl I throw myself whole heartedly into what I want and therefore have trampled over any spark that may have developed in the long run. I go after ever little spark like it was a full on fire and it’s making me wish I was born with the hesitation gene. Now I’m older and duller and waiting more to see what happens, but I still wear my heart on my sleep and it gets burned by those sparks. I love them tho, reminds me I’m alive and interesting.

    Comment by Amber — October 22, 2005 @ 8:12 pm | Reply

  64. hey amber :)

    yeah i used to sort of be able to tell when a guy and i hit the radar at the same time but that’s always been very early in an acquaintance. when it happens later it’s a lot harder to figure out.

    damn girl you’re my sparky twin. i do the same thing. i get so ridiculous and i wish i knew how to chill. i’ve been working on teh chill and the utter destruction that was wrought by and with tr helped with that significantly.

    but yeah… the hesitation gene would be nice… so much easier in the long run

    Comment by sassinak — October 22, 2005 @ 11:50 pm | Reply

  65. Hesitation easier? Easier than what? Missing opportunities? I’m not sure I can actually define “spark” either but the same goes with most of my emotions. But Amber & Sass, if it is in one’s nature to react so quickly & it sputters out whatever was there, does that not mean that it may not have actually been spark to begin with. OR think of it as a simple reciprocation. The time & intensity ranges from small & finite all the way to imeasurable & infinite. We all seem to gamble for the later. Like only playing the lottery when the jackpot is over a hundred million. The chances are similar as well. I know that I fill my life with people the best I can. But I cannot necessarily wait for the perfect one. I tried it with failed results after ten years. Just one person. Spark did exsist, it just didn’t last. Hurts like hell but I’m thankful every day for the bits of time that I could feel spark. Feel her wanting to be there with me.
    I say fast or slow, move on it. You will be worm food before you know it.

    Comment by green_hedonist — October 23, 2005 @ 4:09 am | Reply

  66. Another Dumb Sucker

    Drag out my tired nerves and beat on them with your stick, Love,
    you callous jester. Dance me to your flute. I’ll dance!
    I’ll dance again.
    Little presents, hope-baring smiles, upturned face of love
    and every stupidity cherished. “Me, too! You’re
    amazing.” Homemade Christmas cards. The handholding.
    The Lover, repository of the mixed tape,
    and all hope of warding off the Void.

    Here we go again, what can drown out this hoping?
    What kind of scientists relights the burner
    on the same experiment, failed a hundred times?
    Seventeen years of trotting out my heart
    like a cuckoo clock, and for what?
    To feel like a girl again? As hopeful, like a girl
    in the playground, predators everywhere, Mr. Stranger,
    is this the one apple without a razor?

    Will you be my butcher again, Love, cutting a swath
    through this skittish, bleating herd with your cleaver?
    You old swashbuckler. Tired and worn out,
    gold canine and squint, you’re the rogue and
    I’m lined up again to scrub the deck and
    pull an oar with the rest of the put upon.
    Will you live up to your promise, old friend?
    I’ll sit on this porch drinking to you,
    until I am a cadaver rocking. Laugh at me,
    another dumb sucker, I’m laughing
    with you, aren’t I?

    Comment by lividviv — October 23, 2005 @ 10:27 am | Reply

  67. hedonist: yeah easier than missed opportunities. as nazareth said ‘love hurts, love scars, love wounds, it mars’ … they didn’t say that because love is fun they said it because it hurts more deeply than anything else. why do we still chase it? because it’s also the most magical and wonderful thing you can ever imagine.

    that said, your gambling for later point is a good one. waiting for perfection implies waiting forever.

    sometimes though when you aren’t waiting for perfection, when you’re fully out there living your life something walks into it that feels near perfect.

    so hard to know what to do with that one.

    viv: that is FANTASTIC! did you write that? did you get it from a song? it should be a song!

    either way i feel you’ve encompassed both the hope and the tragedy that spark or love or fascination or chemistry can bring…

    oh i love this post and am so glad people are still commenting on it.

    Comment by sassinak — October 23, 2005 @ 11:54 am | Reply

  68. Yup. it’s a me! Had no idea what you’d think so I’m glad you liked it! : )

    Your post and current events inspired this poem, as you could guess.

    Comment by lividviv — October 24, 2005 @ 7:01 pm | Reply

  69. Nazareth were fuckin’ geniuses!!!

    Lividviv too!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — October 24, 2005 @ 11:23 pm | Reply

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