snapshots of an idle mind

November 30, 2005

puff puff puff

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:40 pm

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do you ever have moments where you’re struck by the ridiculousness that is your *self* and how much it changes?

i had one the other day. i had to get (as y’all are aware) a new windshield for my car. the previous one had cracked from the top down and from the bottom up and though it then stayed stable for a year (the cracks never met) i was concerned the entire time.

too poor to deal you understand… but concerned.

so anyway i think the universe is messing with me. because JUST when i start to think about shoes things happen. seriously the second i decide i can afford shoes i pop a tire.

and then i pop another tire.

and then? yeah new cracks appear in the windshield and these ones are growing. so i talked to my pal EM who hooked me up with a guy who did it for cost and off i went for my new piece of glass.

this is NOT helping my shoe collection one bit!

and that man? the one who did it? such a beautiful man. gorgeous eyes where you can’t tell if they’re green or brown because they change with the light and a freshly shaven head to go with.

little bit of style with some nice hips, great arms and an awesome ass and what’s not to like?

oh my GOD

the man smokes THREE PACKS a fucking day.

three PACKS of cigarettes a fucking DAY!

wow.

total turn off. not like he went from ‘heavily dateable’ to ‘kinda dateable’ nope. he went from ‘fully dateable’ to ‘not a chance in hell’ because of that one little detail.

Irony? that i smoked at LEAST a pack a day for twelve years.

Further irony? i’m still smoking pot…

but tobacco yeah, i just can’t bear to be around it to any extent beyond a smoke or two while drinking. And although i’ve been interested in social smokers in the five years since i quit smoking i have to say that the act of smoking regularly in your home is a full on deal breaker for me.

why is this funny enough to make me talk about it?

I used to be this guy. I used to smoke and smoke and smoke AND I used to plan my social outings around whether or not i could smoke at the designated venue. I used to wake up at night and have a cigarette. I used to light up when i knew i was exactly 8 minutes from my destination…

i used to get less interested in a man if he DIDN’T smoke because i didn’t want to deal with the pressure to quit. Funny though I would say I’ve dated more non smokers than smokers overall.

So in the five years (okay five years on december 21st) since i quit smoking i’ve made a complete mental shift such that something that used to matter to me is now something i will not tolerate.

i had a guy once claim that he quit smoking so that i would date him. he made a big hoorah about it and everything. was ridiculous cause after we split he started again and was blaming his life as though i should have just accepted this toxic decision on his part. he in fact got very angry and defensive with me when i pointed out the ‘agreement to quit smoking’ that he had given me and forced me to witness him sign.

Not to mention? he had offered in this agreement ten bucks for every smoke he smoked. so when i jokingly tried to collect he got enraged.

as though *I* had forced him to quit while we were dating.

i didn’t do shit, i just told him i didn’t date smokers. he took it from there. how does that make any of it my fault?

anyway, too bad about the beautiful man (interesting to boot) but any spark there might have been got stepped on like one of his 75 cigarette butts per day. Or one of the four butts he consumed in the half hour we chatted.

funny how i changed though. that guy would have been right up my alley five years ago… and now? *shrug*

bupkus.

November 29, 2005

serendipity

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:07 pm

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i feel the stones again… ‘you can’t always get what you want’

i went off climbing yesterday and i had intentions. which i tossed out the window immediately because of a nebulous sense of ‘don’t do it’ and because someone really cool made it pretty clear that he wanted to climb with me. although at first i thought i was the excuse person for another girl… but i wasn’t. i have to think of a nickname better than ‘hot climber guy’ though. I want to call him butter because that’s how people describe the way he moves but that seems sorta lame.

so i did. and we had a great time y’all. this is someone easy to talk to that i can tease and who seems fully willing to tease me and order me about. why is being ordered about fun? you try doing it for a living and see how much you like it if someone does it to you.

two ways a lot or not at all. i’m an a lot. he took it well when i did it to him too which was cool. people who can dish it out but can’t take it get a bit wearing after a while.

so we climbed and she chucked us after a bit and frankly if i were her i would have chucked us also. but it was funny. i was trying not to be a third wheel so i would like go work my bouldering problem when it wasn’t my turn and i’d get summoned back for ‘teaching’ and whatever and i think we third wheeled her.

was a lot of fun anyway. [also i really like it when a person remembers previous conversations with you and refers back to them. shows they’re interested and paying attention and it’s nice. no, i’m not assuming he’s after me, just that he finds my company congenial]

and then we sat around with a couple of other climbers and it turns out there’s a party saturday and everyone is going. yes, a couple of my imaginary boyfriends are going for sure. screw this making decisions shit, i’ma gonna see what happens instead.

i knew about the party but i thought since i didn’t know the hosts that i wasn’t invited but they were all looking at me like ‘aren’t you going?’ so i made the ‘didn’t know i was invited’ shrug and they’re like ‘everyone is invited there’s flyers over there’ so i’m going.

it should be a lot of fun because the instructions are to wear bedroom clothing with kinky things encouraged.

now y’all have seen my hallowe’en pics and you know what my ‘kinky wardrobe’ looks like. well parts of it anyway. and i can’t do it because this is like professional level kink clothing not just funky lingerie from frederick’s of hollywood or something and i just don’t think i want to wear this level of kinkwear to a climbing party.

which leaves me my fuzzy blue pyjamas with sheep on them. i think i’ll wear a really hot and black tank top underneath and just lose the top or leave it open… maybe a hot coloured bra underneath. *snerk* maybe i’ll bring my crop.

opinions welcome of course.

at this point butter (no that doesn’t work, need a better nick) started asking me movement questions and i ended up lecturing them about their armpits and how to work their abs and what’s a better push up and… it’s horrible you guys, you cannot turn off the inner pilates instructor no matter how you try.

it’s fine when i go normally because she’s sort of dormant but he yanked her out. the funniest was the man with the massive jet lag trying to figure out this weird movement shit i was talking about. so i suggested he ask me when he’s awake… course if i was him i’d be afraid of me now. *chuckling*

and then there was some bouldering and we were pretty much the only two people in the part of the gym we were in and he was too tired to climb and i wasn’t so i started working some stuff and he had really fucking useful suggestions y’all.

this whole time i thought people were pushing their knee up and twisting to get height but that’s not what he does at all. he drops his other leg which forces his knee and hip up and then *boom* just like that you’ve gone up several feet.

funny thing is that it’s harder but so much better. so i found some new sore muscles today. and they are mother fucking sore but i think in the long run i’ve learned something crucial to my progress.

damm was a good night and a good day today!

November 28, 2005

thoughts

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 4:10 pm

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so i’m just going to assume that everyone reading this post has read my last few posts… most specifically “ouch” because that post brought up some thoughts and yeah i’m a gonna share them.

you guys make it really hard NOT to be honest.

first of all i stupendously appreciate the outpouring of people telling me that i’m brave and courageous and that i have somehow touched them or made them think.

i especially appreciate the stories people shared in email and comments about how such things had affected them… although i was hoping for more of them because maybe someone else has insight into this crap that i don’t have. or a suggestion for how to make the conversation easier for myself and for the man that i have to have the conversation with.

because it is, if nothing else, a bomb. in fact i wrote a poem once… which has disappeared into the annals of usenet now… about this very thing because i had just had the conversation with a very nice man who i then elected not to sleep with. I still don’t know why i didn’t sleep with him, he was an excellent guy if young and he wasn’t particularly put off by my STD.

Ah well, that was like nine or ten years ago now so i’m guessing it doesn’t matter.

Anyway i was really surprised at the effect this post actually had on folks. it was both more and less than i expected somehow. hrm that doesn’t sound like what i mean…

i did not expect so many people telling me that they admired and respected me all the more than they already had… and i didn’t realise how many of you thought i was as awesome as you clearly do. i was surprised at some notable absences from my comments section. i was really suprised at how few of you have experience with sexually transmitted diseases and i was pleasantly surprised at the lack of judgement displayed in the comments.

not to mention? i still can’t believe that i posted that!
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just got back from the farm where i spent a fantastic weekend with my sister and her new boyfriend. this is an excellent guy y’all. he’s considerate in this really cool and effortless way that speaks to his nature rather than to his trying to impress my sister or myself. i’m pretty sure it’s real anyway since he is the same way with everyone. calm, considerate and funny as hell.

not to mention? at least as smart as she is!

don’t knock how hard it is to find someone with a brain that matches yours… because it’s well and truly difficult.

anyway i like the guy and i find him really easy to hang out with and i know one thing for certain. even if the two of them don’t manage to work out as a couple she will have a much better handle on how to spot a man who is actually nice rather than pretending to be nice until he hooks her. and maybe so will i!
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got a new windshield today so that’s two down on my list of the five things i need to do to my car as soon as i can afford it. now it’s oil pan, clutch, tranny and then done done done. shut up, i know that cars are never all the way fixed but this list has been niggling for close to a year in it’s entirety and some parts for a couple of years before that.

also? it’s nice not to have a major structural weakness looking you in the face every time you enter your vehicle.

it’s nice to know that some tiny rock isn’t nearly as likely to shatter my windshield in my passengers’ face than it was.
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i’m jealous that bubbles broke the 300 comment mark.

what? aren’t you?
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salt is around again which means that i have to take my askingoutus interruptus and put it back on the front burner. get it all nice and warmed up so i’m ready when i see him again.

*nervous tummy flutter*

i have to say that asking someone out is about a hundred times easier online than it is in person. in person they can see your face when they say no. [notice that i choose to assume he’ll say no] AND in this case it’s someone that i will most definetely see again on something like a weekly basis.

cause yeah, that sure makes it easier.
not.

if it was online i could just ask and then disappear forever from his corner of the internet… but no, i’m going to see him again regularly. this is almost, but not quite, enough to make me never do it.

note i said not quite…

i have decided on a policy though. always assume they’ll say no. that way one can only be pleasantly surprised. this also goes well with my pessimistic outlook on life. always assume the worst will happen, that way the surprises are always good and the shit is always expected.

well nearly always.

car accidents really do sneak up on you.

November 25, 2005

ouch – no this isn’t a climbing post.

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:35 am

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so, i’ve been walking around for days saying ow at odd moments and for no apparent reason. the people who are very close to me have figured out why at this point and everyone else is just assuming i pulled some little muscle at the climbing gym.

which i did, but it’s in my shoulder and is not where the owing is coming from. it’s coming, in fact, from something else that’s been attached to me for at least a decade now. Actually closer to twelve or thirteen years.

no, it’s not a body piercing.

what it is, in fact, is something which causes people to change the way they look at me. or not. which tells me a lot about the people in question. in some ways i’m sorry that i won’t get to see each and every facial reaction to this post because it would teach me a lot about all of you.

it’s not something i volunteered for, in fact it was imposed on me.

it’s not something i know the giver of because i didn’t notice it the first time.

it’s not something i was given a choice about.

it’s not something i want or need in my life.

it is something that forces me to pay more attention to sleep and diet and stress than the average person needs to.

those of you who have this already know what i’m talking about. those of you who paid attention in class already know what i’m talking about. for the rest of you?

i have a non life threatening std.

i don’t know who gave it to me but i suspect. i don’t know because i only noticed my second or third recurrence rather than the first incident and that was so far from any sexual encounters that it couldn’t possibly have come from there.

thus it was at least the second outbreak and i really don’t know when or how i got it.

some of you will assume from this that i am or was a slut.
some of you will look at me like i’m dirty.
some of you will sit in your ivory towers of luck and judge me.
and some of you will be nodding along with this because you’ve had this conversation before.

you’ve had to sit down in front of someone you’re hellaciously into but don’t know all that well and say:

“uh yeah… i have an STD. Don’t worry, it’s not one of the fatal ones, it’s just herpes and it’s sort of like having an extra period or two a year where you can’t touch me… and i’ve never, in the 12 years i’ve been aware of it, passed it on… but uh… why are you looking at me like that?”

it’s probably been the most heartbreaking and yet repeated five minutes of my life.

and the most rewarding.

my ex husband had the best answer ever ‘so does this mean we get to have sex soon?’ which endeared him to me forever.

but i’ve been dumped because of it also … and you know what? that’s fair it is. at least i try to make it fair in my head but it *hurts*. it hurts in a deep and woundy place that i never really recover from.

it hurts in a way that even though i haven’t had that conversation in at least 4 years i’m still flinching and there are tears in my eyes as i remember it. it hurts in a way that makes me *dread* ever having it again. and that hurt probably explains a lot about my disconnect from my sex drive.

it hurts deeply enough that i have an extremely difficult time with asking someone out. i think it’s that if i ask them i’m offering myself and then when i tell them that i have an std i’ll feel sort of like i lied in my offering. if they ask me well then of course there’s things they don’t know that i’ll have to tell them over time.

yes, when i type that i see how ridiculous it is. but still. i’m having a borderline panic reaction just from typing this post and there really are tears brimming (but never falling, they never fall… but that’s another post) in my eyes.

i’ve decided to post this because the greatest enemy of health is silence. the biggest way these diseases get passed on is because no one wants to admit that they have them.

did you know that FORTY PERCENT of canadians have genital warts and don’t know it?
did you know that one in SIX people has herpes and has no idea? (that may be down to four now)

first of all i just don’t understand how anyone can miss it. the burning sensation when you pee on a sore is bad enough but when you touch it or your clothing rubs? oh my lord loving fucking god does it ever hurt? how can you not notice? [okay some women only get sores inside, that’s different.]

the ultimate irony of statistics like that? some of the people reading this who are judging me and my life based on this one little fact? probably have something too.

a friend of mine in college, when i got my second std (warts, gone now) laughed her head off. she couldn’t help it she really couldn’t. and she said ‘damn dude, you have the worst luck of anyone i know, you never have sex but you always catch the diseases’

and she’s right.

so i decided that since i am not a sleazy person and since i am choosy and all of that that i should actually be out there shedding light into this dark corner… but it’s hard you guys, it’s really hard. [I do have one request. If i WORK with you and have trusted you with my blog address please keep your mouth shut at work, i just don’t need the hassles.]

wow. i can’t believe i’m about to post this. anyone anywhere with questions no matter how stupid you think they are? please ask them. if you wish to email me anonymously or in secret and ask about these things and how to spot them? PLEASE do so.

silence spreads disease. so does judgement.

information stops it.

*deep breath*
*clicks publish post*

November 24, 2005

let it snow let it snow let it snow

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 4:04 pm

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okay that comes perilously close to being a christmas carol. please forgive me. i hate that people play christmas music in november and this rampant christmas in september thing that’s going on is really starting to annoy me. like really, the santa claus parade is in the middle of november?

what???

[i love christmas by the way, or perhaps i should say solstice celebration or the holidays, it’s just i don’t need three months of buildup to it.]

regardless, it snowed last night. really snowed with snow on my car this morning and everything. and it’s wonderful. the world is white, the air is crisp, the duvet is the correct bedding again [god i love duvets,] cheeks are rosy, cars are cranky and the heat is on.

which of course means that soon our homes will start to get that particular smell that a home gets when the windows haven’t been opened for months.

it also means that a lot of people will start to complain about the weather.

and you know? i sympathise, i really do. no, i really do.

but you know what else? when i was living in vancouver the weather was killing me. no. killing nme. like the last winter i was there i spent something like a month refusing to leave my house and mostly refusing to leave my room.

i did have the internet i should mention. though a vastly different internet it was.

but here is where the story changes. you see i noticed this killing tendency of the horrible weather in vancouver so i LEFT. I up and moved back to Ontario because here the sky is blue, it turns grey, there’s snow, the sky turns blue again. Ahhhh weather my body loves.

vancouver? the sky turns grey in october and except for maybe 5 days it stays like that until april or may. and it rains for days and days and days and days. [at one point i started counting after endless rain and from the day i started counting it rained or drizzled THIRTY ONE days in a row (not all day, but at least once per day)]

given a choice between +3C and rain and -30C and snow? I pick snow every single time. At least with snow when you enter your home all you have to do is shake your head and you’re done. the cold and damp in vancouver get into your bones and don’t leave for hours and hours after you enter a home. also snow is for skiing on and playing in.

but note. i hated the weather so i LEFT.

so i ask you, what is WITH all these people that move someplace or are born there and hate the weather and stay? is it just that they need something to complain about?

i’ve heard the arguments about work and family and i really do sympathise but this is a whole new world. if you don’t like where you are you hop on monster or whatever and you find yourself something else to do in another place. or you get a job at a large company and get yourself transferred.

what you don’t do is sit around and bitch to someone who is playing in the snow about how much the weather sucks.

what you especially don’t do is go out in january in a fall jacket, no socks, no hat, no gloves and no scarf and then whine about being cold. OF COURSE you’re cold, you’re not wearing the most basic or winter clothing… and yet somehow it’s the fault of the weather that you’re miserable.

one of my clients today was telling me how much she loves to run in the winter and i completely sympathise with her. the air and the light are somehow extra magical and crisp in the winter. the world is defintely dressed in it’s winter best and your breath makes beautiful frosty patterns in the air.

perhaps it’s extra beautiful because it’s ephemeral. because soot will land on the snow and turn it black. because plows will come and shove it into the wheels of your car or block your driveway. because in the city it will turn into slush. because if nothing else, in the spring it will melt.

i haven’t caught a snowflake on my tongue yet this winter but i’m certainly looking forward to it.

so to make a long story short i leave you with this. if you don’t like the weather there are planes leaving every hour… but please, shut the fuck up about it.

November 22, 2005

12 angry men

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:21 pm

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i’ve had a few conversations recently that involved anger and it’s effects, control or ramifications. I suppose that one could argue that effects and ramifications are the same thing. funnily i’m listening to this screamingly beautiful music and it’s hard to think about this.

anyway. i was a child encompassed by anger and terror. where there wasn’t anger there was fear and where there should have been love there was hate. so i spent a lot of time in my life expecting to get kicked when i was happy. i spent even more time expecting that i would be the kind of adult who was violent.

I especially thought that there would be problems with children. In fact until something that happened in my mid twenties I had decided not to have children. It’s probably why I came late to the party and probably why I’m a little heartbroken at the idea of not having kids. Sometimes the things you think you want the least will break your heart the most.

Anyway eventually I had a couple of really fucking angry moments that did not go the way that I expected them to. The first was with a two year old who hit me in the face about half an inch below my eye with a surprisingly sharp plastic hoe [the farm implement… geeze you guys! *snerk*] and it hurt like HELL. No you guys a lot. I grabbed it out of his hand and shouted his name in this really angry voice and he flinched and looked afraid.

and the anger just melted away.

like it just wasn’t there anymore. i was just so heartbroken that i had made this beautiful boy afraid of me that i didn’t have an ounce of anger left in me.

it was actually pretty cathartic. I realised in that moment and in the many months and years thereafter that I had been a violent child but that I was not a violent adult. I eventually realised that both my physical and emotional violence (the emotional violence had rapidly become something that i pointed to myself… with severe long lasting consequences) [wow i’m a bit physically ill from typing that] were natural outcomes of being raised in a savage environment. [public school]

so i had become violent to deal with violence but when left alone i reverted to my own nature.

which is to hurt for every little thing
the butterfly i murdered with my bumper
the dying animals
litter
the homeless people everywhere
my friends pain
beautiful music
war
unkind words
the chopped tree

to be unable to bear it.

and yet i’m still violent. i participate in sports which require me to work my body to a ridiculous degree and i’m not happy unless i’m a little bit injured. i tease my clients for being type a jocks but i am one myself. [speaking of, one of them took a climbing lesson because of me! she got three quarters of the way up a 5.8!]

so for me it turns out that anger isn’t a natural state… although i come closer to it around my second year of ridiculous pain. anyway i had a similar incident with an adult roommate a few years later and i realised that it was gone. that the scary black anger had melted out of me when i wasn’t looking.

it’s good, no child should hate that much.

so.

all things considered my childhood was pretty tame compared to the ones on the talk shows. it sucked. it sucked a lot, but it wasn’t oprah material for sure.

and then i look at the angry people around me. and i hear stories about what angry people have done to people i love. and i hear about the shitty things that happen to people for no reason. worse i hear about the shitty things people do to other people for even less reason.

and two things occur to me.

that i am helpless to understand this incredible morass of rage in which i live

and that i am afraid to imagine what must have happened to those people to make them that angry.

i don’t know which idea is scarier really. that they are reacting to things which happened in their lives and left them feeling helpless and out of control and thus they inflict rage bombs on other people [done that btw, the leftover guilt sucks] or that they are just that angry.

because if people are just naturally that angry? if no one taught them to rage and hate? well then there will always be war and rape and greed won’t there? and that too breaks my heart.

holy shit this post hit nowhere near where i thought it would. but i like it.

November 21, 2005

tag! *shock horror!*

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:12 pm

[note i started this sunday and i’m not changing the today yesterday ten years ago shit]

Rules are as follows: Remove the blog at No. 1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog’s name in the #5 spot;

1. The Ex-Girlfriend Project
2. Beauty in the Breakdown
3. Oh So Wonderful
4. DZER’s Diatribe
5. snapshots of an idle mind

Next: select five new friends at random to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

(tough one, i’m like last to the party here… )
1. hubris
2. sonusexmachina
3. tania
4. othercat
5. elle

What were you doing ten years ago?
november 20th 1995. What the fuck was i doing? okay i was living in… vancouver and i was working at global warming so chances are i was either high on or recovering from being high on crystal meth … or was that 96? wait that was 96. okay i was attending school at this terrible video and television production place… or hanging at ‘the clinic’ or ‘the pharmacy’ or hanging with my old friend i haven’t seen in years PG while living in a crazy 7 bedroom apartment in kits beach in vancouver (where i discovered the log)

What were you doing one year ago?
november 20th 2004? let’s see what my datebook says. it says i hung out with hubris and anne for dinner and i did my cpr recert during the day.

What were you doing yesterday?
took a class from the goddess and went to my first ever NHL game. but you all know that because you read the post.

Five snacks you enjoy
1. pretzels (better dipped in nutella)
2. poulain dark chocolate with coffee crunchy bits
3. ICE CREAM
4. chips but i’m going off them
5. granola

Five songs to which you know all the words [i’ll try to leave out band tunes i sing on]
1. what a wonderful world (all versions including iz’s)
2. angel – sarah mclachlan
3. i don’t wanna grow up – tom waits
4. yesterday – beatles
5. i would for you – jane’s addiction

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire
1. pay off mine, my loved ones and my families’ debts.
2. fix my car way up
3. invest invest invest
4. open a studio… unless i was MOTHERFUCKING RICH in which case:
5. travel the world (focusing on surf/ski/climb spots for a bit

Five bad habits.
1. smoking pot
2. fidgeting with my hair/skin/scabs
3. falling for men i can’t have or thinking said guys are into me
4. overdoing it at the climbing gym (or at any sport)
5. not believing in myself

Five things you like doing
1. watching tv and vegging out (once every couple of weeks)
2. blogging
3. hanging with my friends
4. having crushes and/or falling in love
5. holding hands

Five things you would never wear again
[i HATE the word never. HATE it. but i’ll try]
1. a size 4
2. sparkly blue eyeshadow (hallowe’en doesn’t count)
3. a size 40 (pregnancy doesn’t count)
4. super ratty and skin tight jeans
5. green polyester with holes in it (don’t ask)

Five favorite toys
1. my computer
2. my car

3. my pilates props
4. the cat dancer
5. cash

:)

November 20, 2005

go leafs go!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:17 am

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okay first of all

i’m hammered off my ass.

you see i made a deal with my friend johnny whereby i took him with me to see the leafs and he kept me in beer (and food etc) in exchange. this is a good deal if you ask me.

so we went, and we had a GREAT time. there was ice cream and hugging maple leaf gardens.

uhh.. okay… once upon a time there were six hockey teams. if i remember correctly they were toronto, montreal, detroit, boston, new york and um… crap i forget… chicago. anyway there were these six teams (this isn’t technically the original hockey teams but it is the six teams that comprised the nhl before they started expanding. we won’t mention the other hockey leagues that existed before that.)

eventually those six teams were expanded and expanded and expanded again and now there are like thirty teams in the national hockey league (a misnomer if ever there was one)… and at some point the toronto maple leafs moved from maple leaf gardens to the air canada centre (1999) and the last of the ‘original six’ hockey arenas went dark.

the thing is that unlike the other five maple leaf gardens still exists and the people of toronto that care about the history of hockey are shocked and dismayed that this venerable building is becoming a Loblaws.

so johnny and i went to hug maple leaf gardens and i buildered it! I did this great leaning sideways thing and sorta climbed up a bit and then i downclimbed it and hopped off. it is inexplicable how happy it made me to do that. really.

i bounced up and down with glee for hours after that because *I* buildered MAPLE LEAF GARDENS!!!

so anyway there was hugging and revering this great old building and then we got on the subway at college and went and toured the hockey murals before we ran off to get dinner before the game.

oh my god you guys it was so funny at dinner. the waiter was kinda ripped so i started calling him muscle boy, and then at some point i showed off my newly impressive biceps to johnny and he decided that mine were actually more impressive than muscle boys’ were.

so we challenged him and over the course of the evening he and i compared forearms and biceps. his are bigger, mine are better and more defined. finally at the end he’s like ‘let’s see’ and he holds up his bicep and we both flex and mine was all rock hard and his, well, wasn’t.

so ironically mine was actually better. weird.

anyway we head off to the ACC and we walk in and get beer and we talk the nice usher into letting us sit down low to watch practise. so we’re in like the third row watching all these guys that i’ve seen on tv. NONE of them are the size that i expect and several of them are way hotter or less hot than they are on tv.

lindros, that fucker, is totally hot in person.

*grumble*

okay sass suck it up, you have a crush on eric lindros who you like to think you hate. even worse his number is 88 and your favourite number is… yeah… 8.

anyway we went off to our own seats as the game started and just generally had a blast.

the leafs killed the thrashers.
i met the canadian tire guy
i got drunk
the leafs kicked ass
sundin seems tired lately
sundin is way taller than i expected
domi and tucker are teeny
domi is obviously the heart of the team
i got a couple of girly shirts.

yes they’re hot
yes they cost too much
no i don’t have developped pics.

the short story long version goes like this:

wow, i can’t believe i haven’t seen an NHL game before this. it’s so much faster and more intense in real life. a lot of things make a lot more sense in person than they do on tv. somehow running out of rink seems a lot more possible when you’re looking at it in person.

MUST.DO.THAT.AGAIN.

soon.

November 18, 2005

baby…

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:59 pm

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i’m so tired [two points if you can tell me what song the title AND the first three words are referring to without looking it up]

i hate that i seem to attract all the morning work. well hate is too strong a word because well i really like all of my morning clients and i certainly don’t mind that my income is hitting levels which allow me to maybe get my car fixed in the same month as my cat gets a checkup.

speaking of check ups i can’t remember the last time i went to the doctor. well i remember the last time i saw hot doctor but that’s not the same thing at all. first of all he’s not a general practitioner and secondly he doesn’t do pap smears.

oh man what a weird mental image.

*washes out brain with soap*

[i wonder where my client is, she didn’t seem like the late type although i don’t mind if she bails]

anyway i did a deposit yesterday which was more than my monthly income has been for the past three years. and it’s only maybe half or a little more of what i’ll take home this month. that shit is trippy.

i can feel a weight that i’ve gotten very used to starting to lift from my shoulders. don’t misunderstand, it’s still there and will be until there’s a cushion on my credit card but it’s lost a few pounds.

and i feel sort of weird about it. like i’ve gotten so used to being 100 pounds heavier than i actually am that being only 80 pounds heavier feels a bit vertiginous. i’m swirling in the clouds or something.

[at this point my client arrived and it’s now 6.5 hours later]

and then today i got another few pennies. so all in all that deposit yesterday is just over half my income for the month. damn. that shit is weird.

my head is going:
SHOES!
pay off vet
climbing shoes!!
toy bubbles wrote about recently!
pay off mechanic
new skirt that’s actually not a decade old
SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new non ratty mascara
pay off credit card
oil pan!
SHOES!!!!
road trips!
more sushi in restaurants
climbing shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
winter jacket!
hockey and concert tickets
buying pot in slightly larger quantities
new CDs
SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from this you may discern that i fucking love shoes. i think it’s actually a fat girl thing. the only thing that fits me no matter what i weigh is shoes and scarves. and i just love those sexy little tiny sneakers that have almost no sole to them. which i think is a pilates teacher thing AND a climber thing. [and maybe a really fucking tall woman thing]

i like to be able to feel the ground under my feet. I like my feet to decide on their arch and not my shoes. comes of having healthy feet again probably.

[damm james blunt rocks, thanks castu! CDs finally showed up, picked em up yesterday. turns out they got here nov 2 and i got the notice nov 14… fucking post office]

so yeah… there’s a spring in my step that’s been gone for a long time and this strange swirling feeling in my stomach that i think may be relief or something. the odd thing here is that i’m actually having a very weird time with this. everything i want in the universe is landing in my plate and i’m just sort of freaking out a little because oh my god… my life is here! it’s right here in front of me and i just need to reach out with both hands and snag it.

that’s harder than it seems.

i’ve been courting failure for a long time. in fact i’ve been sabotaging my own success for nearly that long and I can sort of feel it happening a little here. there’s this moment when my alarm goes off in the morning where i think ‘oh i can just sleep in a BIT more’ and you know what? i can’t.

even better? i’m not doing it. i’m actually dragging my ass out of bed and teaching anyway. this being a responsible human thing is freaking weird.

so peace my friends and may the universe hand you everything you deserve :)

November 17, 2005

anticlimax

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:17 am

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my client gave me leaf tickets this morning and i am so excited because i have NEVER seen an NHL game before. well not live. the best i’ve seen was the sudbury wolves and i was a kid when i did that. so young in fact that i only remember kid sized images of everything.

you know where the stands go on for miles and they’re super high. the players are the size of ants and the play is extra fast. it’s sort of surreal in my memory the way acid trip images are or you’re watching one of those drunk driving commercials where there’s one pint glass in front of the lens and everything is all magical and blurry but somehow still clear.

so i got the tickets and i was STOKED because i was going to bring othercat with me. this is the guy that took me to bb king and herbie hancock and fed me and stuff. i was taking him to a hockey game. except yeah. he was some charity shinding with his family.

so i guess that lets him off the hook.

so now i’m like ‘hmmm who do i want to take to a hockey game?’

keep in mind that this is my first ever NHL game right?

anyway so i decide it’s either johnny or guy from the gym and [hrm need a non identifying nick name… that i’ll remember… salt] salt is sort of edging out johnny because well, i want to get laid AND i actually like him.

so i hit the gym and salt is there and i’m like ‘excellent’ and i sit down to stretch and someone says to him ‘have a good time’ so i asked him what’s up and yeah. no hockey game.

now guys you have to understand that i have successfully asked out one guy in my life [ironically it’s johnny] and so i actually had to get a little worked up for this.

no like worked up. i don’t mean i was covered in sweat and being uncool i just mean that i had sort of geared myself or steeled myself or whatever. and yeah no. i mean at least he didn’t say no, i just never got the chance to say anything.

no’s suck. even when they’re conditional (i like you but there are circumstances xyzwhatfuckingever in my life the prohibit me from actually dating you. translation? not if you were the last woman on earth… well maybe then but i’d fantasize about baywatch the whole time)

so i’m glad that i didn’t get a no. instead i got all worked up and didn’t get to actually DO anything. it’s like being all dressed up with noone to blow.

now the result of this is that i get to go to a hockey game with johnny and we are going to have the best fucking time. but i’m suffering from askingoutus interruptus! funny thing is that in a way it’s sort of a relief that he can’t come to hockey because i want to be able to be a full on spaz and not worry about the kind of impression i make.

shut up, since when can anyone go on a first date and NOT worry about what kind of impression they’re making? even if you end up not being into the person you still want them to like you.

i try really hard to be myself when i go on dates with people because i think that that’s important. but it would be hard to properly enjoy a hockey game on a first date. second or third date sure :)

the end result of all this? i still don’t have anyone to date

BUT

*I* get to see the Leafs!!!

i’m so stoked i don’t even believe it. i keep looking at my tickets to see if they’re real.

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