snapshots of an idle mind

November 10, 2005

it’s all in the details

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:43 pm

.
i wrote a post in my head last night while i was lying in bed trying to sleep. but i decided not to get up and write it because it was 3am and i was tired… not that sleepy but tired.

so yeah, it’s totally gone and now i’m staring at a blank screen.

the other day a friend of mine and i got talking and i started talking about being cursed with awareness. i hadn’t actually used the word curse before a discussion that i had with someone else about this awareness thing when he said it was a curse but it’s one of those truths that becomes more true the longer you think about it.

when something happens or someone says something or some political coup occurs i tend to get thinking about 6 moves ahead of what’s actually happening.

a rather trivial example of this relates to the price of oil.

something like 7 years ago i was driving to work one day and they did the little stock news and mentioned that oil was twelve bucks a barrel. and then five minutes later on the little news blurb they mentioned that the OPEC ministers were meeting. [seriously if you don’t know what OPEC is I can’t help you]

so my brain said ‘hrm… buy oil with every penny you have’ … except i didn’t have any pennies so i didn’t, now if i’d had (say) ten grand? i would have bought at 12, sold half at 24 to get my ten grand back … sold another 25% somewhere around 40 bucks and i’d still have 200 barrels or so at 60 … and i’d have made a fucking killing.

this has happened to me before in less clear cut examples and with many things that had absolutely nothing to do with money and stocks… but it always happens.

i see connections everywhere and behavioural hints in everything. i’ve exacerbated this by becoming a professional observer. body language is now my job.

i know that seems, on paper, like an awesome thing right? well first of all all bets are off if i’m into someone… can’t read a thing. so instead i can tell months and sometimes years in advance when and how couples are going to split up. i can see who is in love with someone who doens’t give a shit about them. i can see how much people i don’t like want me to like them. i can see what the messages i’m getting could mean whether the person sending them even knows they’re doing it or not. i notice the possible ramifications of pretty much any kind of behaviour long before anyone else can and worse yet? I’m so self aware i could beat myself to death sometimes.

ironically it seems that just because you can see the future doesn’t mean that you can affect the outcome or that you’re right… it’s just that being right is sort of the expected and usual outcome. but hoo boy when you’re wrong or you don’t have all the info?!?!??

i think a lot of this comes from growing up with no friends but books (and a few adults.) In books when an author wants to reveal a bunch of information or wants to move a story along the main character tends to go into some daze of thought. This will allow pages of exposition and some nice deductive reasoning by said character to boot. Except I don’t know too many people who actually think like that.

and i do.

it’s the only way i know, i learned to think and to interact with other humans from books and from my parents. which means that i have extremely limited social skills [ask anyone who has ever watched me try to pick up] and very easy buttons to push.

it also means that i am a keen observer of human behaviour and that i am far more likely than most to decide that someone doesn’t want me around. And since i never know what to do when i feel that people are fed up with me i usually just disappear.

my physiotherapist told me that i was doomed to disappointment if i kept expecting other people to be as (self) aware as i am… and she’s right. but still i don’t know how to turn off either the awareness OR the expectation.

and since it’s thursday:

this is hubris and i on our campy trip just after we hit the underground stream. see that shirt i’m wearing? i *really* wanted to steal it from it’s owner!

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30 Comments »

  1. I heard exactly the same words from my therapist. :P

    It’s also why cognitive therapy has never really been worth a hill of beans to me. Cognizance I’ve got. It’s dealing with the crap that comes with it that makes for the stress ;)

    Comment by mightydoll — November 10, 2005 @ 4:20 pm | Reply

  2. As for your blog,

    …………………………………………………………………………………………. you know what I would say. We already had this conversation in my head and yours.

    As for the shirt, think Christmas.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — November 10, 2005 @ 4:45 pm | Reply

  3. I can’t read the shirt…but you look fine in black. :)

    I wonder to some extent if there is something wrong with us who can “see ahead”. I used to hear something then make a prediction…but in my circles I was labeled a fatalist for it. Yeah, you can’t change things but having a little “inside info” might allow you to weather the pending changes a little better.

    Comment by castufari — November 10, 2005 @ 5:08 pm | Reply

  4. I dont know if those of us with a sixth sense have a blessing or curse. I think I ignore things sometimes id I dont like them…..

    Comment by whitesgem — November 10, 2005 @ 6:19 pm | Reply

  5. I think we could be sister souls, my growing up was a lot like yours. I’m not sure why but I just know things and even then, when I know, I find it easier to keep it to myself. Too many times I’ve been called a creepy, strange, negative, unsupportive, unhappy, know it all, must be righter. So I don’t try so much to save people from themselves (unless they ask) easier on the nerves. Holding people to your own yardstick is hard not to do, but I’ve been told by many, professional and not, that it’s not good and will always disappoint you because you are the ONLY you. Best you can hope for are people who love you for it, and whom you can love despite what you know.

    Comment by Amber — November 10, 2005 @ 7:41 pm | Reply

  6. Being perceptive is not a downfall. You need only use your powers for good, not evil. Mwahaahahahah.

    I really got nothin’ on this since I have the same problem. I have in the last several years learned to be less sensitive to others and just ignore things.

    You are so tall and sinewy (sp?). I don’t think I have any more chances to grow . Wish I were tall.

    Comment by SignGurl (Jenn) — November 10, 2005 @ 7:42 pm | Reply

  7. I think I want you to do a tarot-card reading of my life … tell me, great and mighty sass, what life holds for the DZER … *cue spooky music*

    also … very cool pic … you look good when you’re perched ;)

    Comment by DZER — November 10, 2005 @ 8:41 pm | Reply

  8. mightydoll: the thing is that i seem to have begun surrounding myself with such people which is helping a lot and making it worse at the same time. it’s nice that people around me are perceptive but then in some ways it encourages me to expect more from the average joe… it sorta makes it both worse and better.

    and yeah, i GET what’s wrong with me i don’t need help figuring it out. i just need some new facts to muse on.

    lsd: we did it’s true… have we had any more conversations in your head lately? :)

    i do rather covet that shirt… i think it’s the little thumby holes… (or it’s skintight hugme nature… hard to say)

    cast: it doesn’t say a word, it’s just skintight and super comfy

    i wonder too. i know i have a way higher dose of empathy than the average human and i know that i can see about 47 sides of a situation where most folks can see one to three…

    but i don’t know if that means there’s something wrong or not…

    Comment by sassinak — November 10, 2005 @ 9:56 pm | Reply

  9. whitesgem: we all do that… like i’m always pretending some guy i want is into me when i know that they aren’t… or that i’m about to get a job i’m certain not to get or whatever…

    perception never works as well in your own life…

    amber: if only i could learn to keep my mouth shut! i’m getting better at speaking in euphemisms at least so that i say the harsh truth that i’m thinking in a more palatable way … the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down so to speak…

    but yeah… my volunteering of advice has diminished drastically in the last decade. as for the personal yardstick thing… very well put!

    jenn: i *try* but sometimes the only way to do that is to do nothing… i mean who am i to mess with the future right?

    i’m working on being perceptive and in some ways having an outlet for it has really helped because it means i can sort of focus it at work and let it go a little at home.

    i’m sinewy??? *lmao* oh i think i love you for saying that!

    dzer: i love that pic… it’s not half nekkid or anything but i just really like it and wanted to share it…

    as for your life… that you will have to live yourself and the only advice i can give is that you should really try to be the person you want to see in the mirror every second you can :)

    Comment by sassinak — November 10, 2005 @ 10:18 pm | Reply

  10. Sass, I’m sure we have but situation is nessecery for cognitive recollection.

    Perhaps it is the hi-tech moisture wicking fibers that you love.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — November 11, 2005 @ 12:10 am | Reply

  11. lsd: well let me know if i said anything memorable

    i’m telling you that shirt is huggy and i love it inexplicably. i so had 47 different scenarios for stealing it planned out in my head (okay maybe half a dozen). i’m willing to say it’s the fibers… but the little thumb loops are hot.

    Comment by sassinak — November 11, 2005 @ 12:51 am | Reply

  12. Well, it looks good on ya. I love semi snug shirts, esp ones that show off some body definition but hint at it w/o totally revealing it. Gotta make people go “hrmm…what’s under there?”.

    Happy Friday.

    Comment by castufari — November 11, 2005 @ 9:27 am | Reply

  13. The thumb loops were the tipping point at the store. I was like thumb loops on a shirt and somehow without being all rockstar cheesy, “Yes, I’ll take two please.

    Perhaps we can work out some sort of dark chocolate, burgalene trade agreement.

    (TOFTA)- Toronto Ontario Free Trade Agreement.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — November 11, 2005 @ 10:00 am | Reply

  14. smile darlin. i think like that…and it blows!

    Comment by da buttah — November 11, 2005 @ 11:01 am | Reply

  15. Sass- well, I read your post twice. Once on the screen, once in print.

    I relate to it in many ways, only I was not given the opportunity to bury myself in books (unfortunately).

    I grew up with adults, little childhood friends as it seemed I sat a bit different on the issues and always ruined a good thing by predicting the fate of others reactions, relationships…etc.

    I stuck to being a more complicated soul and finally succumbed to the fact I should just keep my mouth shut.

    It worked for a while. I try not to delve into that thought process and to repress it means I act all shitty. anyway…

    Have you ever thought of brokering? LOL.

    I remember when I paid a visit to my therapist some time ago, he explained to me “those with old souls have the ability to tap into a sub-concious sense of fate. They’re smart enough without explanation to dictate reactionary consequences or others, but find themselves stifling at their own out of fear or plain ignorance.”

    Took me forever to figure that out. And to this day I still wonder if he was mocking me.

    Fucker.

    I love the pic of you… it’s perfect Sass-ness and I’m glad it’s up there!

    Comment by Everything nice — November 11, 2005 @ 11:21 am | Reply

  16. cast: yeah i love that too… though this one isn’t a semi it’s a fully *grin*

    i don’t want to be happy today, i want to have a sense of melancholy remembrance

    lsd: i believe it, they would have been the tipping point for me as well.

    hrm… he threatens christmas presents and now he wants chocolate… i ask you is that fair?

    but yeah i’m willing to consider barter :)

    buttah: fuckin’ right it does… but i wouldn’t give it up!

    Comment by sassinak — November 11, 2005 @ 2:55 pm | Reply

  17. bubbles: i tend to read my posts multiple times as well *grin* … i know what you mean, some posts you just sorta shake your head and start again.

    i’m not sure you should consider yourself unfortunate for lacking in books. i read the school library bare but i had no social skills at all and i only started to learn them at 19 or so… this leads to some really fucked up social interactions.

    i never learned to change myself to fit in either though i tried many times it just wouldn’t take. my sense of self was just too strong for me to pretend to be someone i wasn’t.

    i’ve considered brokering but i’m not interested enough to pay enough attention to the news to actually do it well. the news hurts my soul too much.

    i think what your therapist said makes a lot of sense because it’s too hard to pay that kind of attention to your own life. first of all it requires you to detach from the things you’re attached to and i personally don’t wish to do that.

    what did you learn from that and why do you think he’s fucking with you?

    and yeah, i also love teh pic cause a) i think i look hot and b) it was SUCH a great day :)

    Comment by sassinak — November 11, 2005 @ 3:08 pm | Reply

  18. Its the old bait and switch. God I love this ruthless country. The Christmas present threat is still out there, but, damn I want some of that chocolate!

    I will most likely be heading through town again sometime in December on my way to New York. But then again I may be headed south to hurricane country at that time to. If I am going through ON. I will be baring thumb holed gifts. But don’t tell yourself, I want it to be a surprise.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — November 11, 2005 @ 3:34 pm | Reply

  19. lsd: see this is where the differences in our countries becomes apparent… y’all do bait and switch, WE do passive aggressive *grin*

    as for chocolate i would consider mailing you some as well when i’m sending it to curious… do you have any particular requests?

    hubris mentioned that iron and wine is playing here in december which seems very tempting… you should arrange your pass through to be then!

    i promise not to tell myself anything about any sort of thumb hole happiness… :)

    Comment by sassinak — November 11, 2005 @ 3:56 pm | Reply

  20. I love self-aware people. I think we are the only ones who get it while the rest walk around in ahaze. But I don’t look down upon them…sometimes it is easier not to be aware. Nice pic BTW

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — November 11, 2005 @ 4:15 pm | Reply

  21. is calexico coming to the I&W show????????? I LOVE them in concert. So gooood.

    Comment by lividviv — November 11, 2005 @ 4:20 pm | Reply

  22. nat: i don’t look down on them either… and occasionally i wish i were one of them but not for long :)

    thanks!

    lv: i have no information other than that hubris, in his blog, claims they’re here december 9th.

    i could be talked into it in a heartbeat.

    Comment by sassinak — November 11, 2005 @ 4:28 pm | Reply

  23. My trip will based on Rosies ummm….. schedule, and the location of her ummmm……. romantic interest.

    I saw Iron & Wine earlier this year and if the stars aligned properly, I would go see them again. But unfortunately there live preformance didn’t leave me needing to see more. Two drummers? Iron & Wine? I would have much rather it be the one dude and his guitar. The small amount of the show that was like this almost left me weeping.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — November 11, 2005 @ 5:20 pm | Reply

  24. Check out Ticketmaster.ca and you can get the lowdown on the Iron & Wine / Calexico show.
    Tickets are still available.

    Yes, Liv, it’s got both bands, so I gather they will be playing a lot from the new album.

    The show is at the Docks, which is a VERY crummy place to see a music band, although a fun place to go dance to thumpity-thump music played by computers.

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — November 12, 2005 @ 1:59 am | Reply

  25. you know when i saw the word ‘docks’ i lost interest immediately. i don’t think i would want to see anyone i liked at that venue.

    this is particularly funny because i haven’t bothered going there yet!

    johnny you are so awesomely scientisty it’s fantastic!

    er sorry about crummy email response times, i’m teaching too much!

    lsd: why were there drummers with iron and wine?

    Comment by sassinak — November 12, 2005 @ 2:07 am | Reply

  26. Thats what I wanted to know Sass. Not just one, but two drummers. Frankly, they didn’t add much. I feel bad. Like I am one of those ridiculous Bob Dylan fans that booed him for putting down his folky acoustic in favor of electric rock. Still…. Just give me the breathy soft lulibies of low-fi times past.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — November 12, 2005 @ 7:25 pm | Reply

  27. HEY!! Scientisty!?! How?!
    I’m all talking about hip indie music and I come off scientisty?!
    :(
    Phooey-hell.

    Yes, I don’t know why the Docks has been getting cool indie bands (ie. Bright Eyes), since it is really a dance/pick-up club. Have had a few shows there that I ditched due to the badness of the place.
    Still, if you want to see them, you should go, just get there early.
    No worries about the mail, I’m busy too. Just write when you’ve got something to say, and time to say it!

    LSD: two drummers can be cool, but is usually overwhelming in a small place. Best use of multiple drummers was the Dirtbombs (Detroit band, you gotta see them), who’s bangers just tore up the stage with the twin-drum assault. Amazing rock and roll!!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — November 13, 2005 @ 2:41 pm | Reply

  28. lsd: two drummers? okay i love drums, in fact i play a drum almost every thursday night with a bunch of excellent musicians and still i’m having trouble imagining iron and wine with drums. but well i don’t know their stuff other than what nick has shared with me and am not necessarily entitled to an opinion. i hang out at folk festivals and cannot fault you for our low-fi wishes.

    johnny: you know reading what you wrote now i have no idea what i was thinking. i’m probably referring to something in email? no freaking idea really i’m sorry.

    although i may have been giggling about this: “dance to thumpity-thump music played by computers.” i just really like the way you write mister phooey.

    why do i have to get there early?
    i want to write i do but man… there is this PILE of unanswered mail. one of my inboxes is at 72 emails, one of them is at hrm… 65 or so, my gmail is low, only about ten… i really need a day off and i’m subbing a ton this week!

    johnny there are two drummers in my band but it’s only djembes!

    Comment by sassinak — November 13, 2005 @ 6:45 pm | Reply

  29. Dude, you have no idea why you called me sciencey?
    You need a nap.

    Glad to hear that your work is going great! Mo’ work, mo’ money!

    You need to get to the Docks early because it is not much wider than your apartment, like, NOT wide. This means that, if you go early, you are up closer and you can see the band, and it’s not bad and the lights are twinkly and everyone around you is smiling and saying, “Totally not bad man, we SO got here early, eh?”, and you are like “I SO know man, the band sounds great, but WTF is with these four drummers, eh?”.
    If you go late you get pushed WAYYYY back to the sound board, and maybe beyond the sound board and if that happens you are FUCKED my friend, FUCKED, since you are then in a no-man’s land where you can’t see shit and the sound is all muffled and people are crammed up next to each other and the walls and NOBODY is happy or smiling and they are saying things like “Can’t see SHIT!” and “Fuckin’ DOCKS” and “Ouch” and it’s real morose and sad in the back, and then I get an angry call from the cops to pick you up downtown ’cause you got all kung-fu drunk and disorderly on some bouncer because you couldn’t get your skinny ass out to the waterfront in time to get a good spot and like it’s all MY fault and all, eh, and…

    Anyway, if you go to the Docks, get there EARLY!!

    :)

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — November 13, 2005 @ 7:17 pm | Reply

  30. johnny: i need more than a nap, i need a week off!

    yeah more work is more money but not the SAME DAY! *grin*

    thanks for the dissertation (*snerk*!) on the docks, that’s a great little ‘how to actually see a band you like at a crappy venue’ description.

    you would pick me up if i was kung fu drunk? you wouldn’t be afraid of the flying pelvic floor of death? awwww that’s so sweet *giggle*

    noted… if you go to the docks, GET THERE EARLY!

    Comment by sassinak — November 14, 2005 @ 3:37 pm | Reply


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