snapshots of an idle mind

November 18, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:59 pm

i’m so tired [two points if you can tell me what song the title AND the first three words are referring to without looking it up]

i hate that i seem to attract all the morning work. well hate is too strong a word because well i really like all of my morning clients and i certainly don’t mind that my income is hitting levels which allow me to maybe get my car fixed in the same month as my cat gets a checkup.

speaking of check ups i can’t remember the last time i went to the doctor. well i remember the last time i saw hot doctor but that’s not the same thing at all. first of all he’s not a general practitioner and secondly he doesn’t do pap smears.

oh man what a weird mental image.

*washes out brain with soap*

[i wonder where my client is, she didn’t seem like the late type although i don’t mind if she bails]

anyway i did a deposit yesterday which was more than my monthly income has been for the past three years. and it’s only maybe half or a little more of what i’ll take home this month. that shit is trippy.

i can feel a weight that i’ve gotten very used to starting to lift from my shoulders. don’t misunderstand, it’s still there and will be until there’s a cushion on my credit card but it’s lost a few pounds.

and i feel sort of weird about it. like i’ve gotten so used to being 100 pounds heavier than i actually am that being only 80 pounds heavier feels a bit vertiginous. i’m swirling in the clouds or something.

[at this point my client arrived and it’s now 6.5 hours later]

and then today i got another few pennies. so all in all that deposit yesterday is just over half my income for the month. damn. that shit is weird.

my head is going:
pay off vet
climbing shoes!!
toy bubbles wrote about recently!
pay off mechanic
new skirt that’s actually not a decade old
new non ratty mascara
pay off credit card
oil pan!
road trips!
more sushi in restaurants
climbing shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
winter jacket!
hockey and concert tickets
buying pot in slightly larger quantities
new CDs

from this you may discern that i fucking love shoes. i think it’s actually a fat girl thing. the only thing that fits me no matter what i weigh is shoes and scarves. and i just love those sexy little tiny sneakers that have almost no sole to them. which i think is a pilates teacher thing AND a climber thing. [and maybe a really fucking tall woman thing]

i like to be able to feel the ground under my feet. I like my feet to decide on their arch and not my shoes. comes of having healthy feet again probably.

[damm james blunt rocks, thanks castu! CDs finally showed up, picked em up yesterday. turns out they got here nov 2 and i got the notice nov 14… fucking post office]

so yeah… there’s a spring in my step that’s been gone for a long time and this strange swirling feeling in my stomach that i think may be relief or something. the odd thing here is that i’m actually having a very weird time with this. everything i want in the universe is landing in my plate and i’m just sort of freaking out a little because oh my god… my life is here! it’s right here in front of me and i just need to reach out with both hands and snag it.

that’s harder than it seems.

i’ve been courting failure for a long time. in fact i’ve been sabotaging my own success for nearly that long and I can sort of feel it happening a little here. there’s this moment when my alarm goes off in the morning where i think ‘oh i can just sleep in a BIT more’ and you know what? i can’t.

even better? i’m not doing it. i’m actually dragging my ass out of bed and teaching anyway. this being a responsible human thing is freaking weird.

so peace my friends and may the universe hand you everything you deserve :)



  1. I am so happy to see other people are enjoying James Blunt – he has a pretty interesting history!

    I was sent a link to his site by a man I know in the UK who saw him live and swore that he was wonderful.

    He is going to be at the House of Blues in Orlando next month. Odds are I will be the oldest person there but I don’t want to miss a chance to see him live !

    The shoe thing, it’s a woman thing…I have boxes of shoes stacked on top of my closets, boxes of shoes on the floor of the closets and a foot locker full of brand new pairs…not to mention a shoe rack in the laundry room with about 25 pairs. Shoes are a happy thing !

    Comment by grainne — November 18, 2005 @ 3:43 pm | Reply

  2. I feel happier now that I read this post. Good for you! You deserve to have things go your way.

    I think we all sabotage our own happiness and success. Sometimes we are afraid to be happy (see your other shoe post). I’ve learned to be happy with the present no matter what’s going on because you just never know, this could be as good as it gets. So make the best of it!

    Comment by SignGurl (Jenn) — November 18, 2005 @ 3:51 pm | Reply

  3. i wonder if its shoes you want.. i mean seriously .. you have only lusted over those shoes for at least a month!!
    i say make yourself really happy.. get the shoes!

    and i dont know the song.. all i hear is something like nickelback “hero” but that is chad kroeger and the saliva guy.. joel ??

    Comment by sugarpunk — November 18, 2005 @ 4:26 pm | Reply

  4. Such a great post – I am so, so, so very happy for you. I hope the happiness is free of fear soon! I, too, am slowly beginning to believe that God’s finger isn’t hovering over the Smite key. Either way, the happiness is now! FUCK the future and its gremlins!

    Comment by lividviv — November 18, 2005 @ 4:26 pm | Reply

  5. grainne: i heard him on CBC and then natalia posted about him like three days later… it was neat!

    i’m SO jealous, have a blast.

    and damn… what size are your feet?

    jenn: i’m so glad! and you’re right re the other shoes post and about being happy in teh present.. AND focusing on the positive!

    punk: of course i want shoes. i COVET shoes. also a guy at the gym… but wtf :)

    nope, it’s an old song

    viv: thank you! i too hope the fear releases.. maybe when i have my 10k back in the bank like before the accident i’ll feel a bit safe again?

    i LOVE that cartoon, send it and i’ll post it!

    Comment by sassinak — November 18, 2005 @ 5:14 pm | Reply

  6. get yourself the shoes and then ask the gym dude to go climbing with ya in them.. maybe he will help ya remove them and any other clothing articles you need help with!

    Comment by sugarpunk — November 18, 2005 @ 5:59 pm | Reply

  7. sassinak, I have HUGE feet…as a kid, we never could get a pair that fit correctly and in the areas we lived in, they still had cobblers that would make shoes just for you. Was so neat standing on the brown paper as these little old men traced your feet and measured them. I wear a size 10! Years ago, you could not find a pair of decent heels in a size that large but now they are everywhere and if you go into the stores where the drag queens shop..~L~ they go up into the 16 size. I love those stores…~L~ make me feel like I have average sized feet instead of giant clodhoppers.

    Buy yourself a the shoes you want…maybe even buy the guy at the gym ~wink~ oh maybe just rent him for a short while…buying is a huge commitment.

    Comment by grainne — November 18, 2005 @ 7:13 pm | Reply

  8. darlin’, I for one am very happy things are going well for you right now.

    I say, instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop that you go out and buy those climbing shoes! Indulge a tiny bit in your recent success!

    Comment by DZER — November 18, 2005 @ 8:08 pm | Reply

  9. punk: but see i NEED street shoes and i WANT climbing shoes… dilemma yes?

    grainne: uh i’m a 10-11… can i visit your shoe collection?

    dz: thank you! maybe i will!

    also, i have friends over… so back soon

    Comment by sassinak — November 18, 2005 @ 10:58 pm | Reply

  10. I think courting failure is a habit that is very hard to break, but I know that you will! (hopefully I will too)
    And, dont forget the shoes!

    Comment by whitesgem — November 18, 2005 @ 11:20 pm | Reply

  11. okay real answers now

    punk: the thing is that i see him at the climbing gym so it’s sort of strange. also i’m going to wait and see what he does.

    grainne: that’s totally cool… like totally cool. where are you from that such things still happen? my mom got me shoes in estepona spain once that she had made by saying ‘her feet are like mine only longer and narrower’ and i had them for 8 years and they died :(

    i like buying shoes… for men i prefer if we catch each other… otherwise it’s weird “_

    hrm rent…

    dzer: thank you. it’s just i know already that my december income is fucked and the sensible thing is to make a small cushion…

    gem: yeah i think you’re right. i’m working on breaking it but it’s hard!

    i love shoes.
    love them :)

    Comment by sassinak — November 19, 2005 @ 1:35 am | Reply

  12. Wow, finally the tunes arrive. I’ve been watching the mailbox waiting for the stuff to land back on my doorstep. :)

    Now you can jam while wearing your new shoes. :D

    Comment by castufari — November 19, 2005 @ 7:25 am | Reply

  13. honey….anytime you want to go shoe shopping you call make-shift imelda over here

    i am a shoe whore..and yes, for the better part of my college career i wasted all of my money on designer shoes

    (i still think the valentino’s, the gucci’s, and my beloved 6 pairs of manolo’s are beyond worth it…..the rest….yea, shoes are a drug..’nuff said)

    then responsibility struck.

    not always the worst thing in the world to to realize people need you..and more importantly…you need yourself. is it?

    Comment by da buttah — November 19, 2005 @ 9:29 am | Reply

  14. Good shoes can’t be beat. I mean GOOD shoes. Like good sunglasses and stuff they’ll last a long time if you take care of ’em. Read an article in the WSJ about shoes once, this guy in Italy made custom shoes that would last 20 years if you followed simple instructions – wipe them off when then get dirty, rotate them (don’t wear the same pair day after day after day), if they get wet allow them to dry (put newspaper inside to help soak up moisture). I’m dying to get a really nice pair but not sure I will until I grow out of trashing all of the ones I have now. Sort of hard to be the IT guy who has to move a lot of junk on an ongoing basis and NOT trash your shoes.

    Don’t think you’re being responsible, think of it as sharing your craft with others. :)

    Comment by castufari — November 19, 2005 @ 9:49 am | Reply

  15. cast: i’ve dropped my fourth complaint in at my post office at this point. i’m getting fed up!

    and yeah i’m having a great time with them!

    buttah: dude i am a whore for the little sneakers and stuff like that. heels are nice and all but i’m 5’11 so i got into flats by default. and since i wear yoga pants to work it seems sneakers suit my look :)

    i’m with you, i don’t regret a single pair of shoes i’ve ever bought… unless they end up sucking really fast or giving me blisters.

    as for being responsible? you’ve nailed it :)

    cast: it’s totally true. my sandals from spain ROCKED for years and years before the toe loop split.

    mmm nice thought on the sharing my craft. thanks for that!

    Comment by sassinak — November 19, 2005 @ 10:48 am | Reply

  16. It is sharing. I mean sure you get paid for it but if people are paying you then you have something to offer them. I think that way about my computer stuff – outside of the office I get paid to do what comes naturally.

    The DVDs are classic, too. We expect reviews soon.

    Comment by castufari — November 19, 2005 @ 12:57 pm | Reply

  17. which dvds? the ones that say ‘surf flix’ cause i haven’t got to them yet so i don’t know if they’re soundtracks or flicks

    yeah it is sharing you’re righ… because i would do it ANYWAY

    Comment by sassinak — November 19, 2005 @ 1:15 pm | Reply

  18. sassinak…come on down to Fl and revel with me in the shoe boxes. ~chuckle~ I grew up in Iceland and Europe…mostly in the Mediterranean area. Turkey was quite behind the times and people who could afford to have shoes made would go to the cobbler’s shop. There are just things you never forget…he had very cold floors so it was always great when he put down the sheet of brown paper so he could trace your feet…floors were always cold but his old gnarled hands were always warm. I spoke with my mom today…she still have a pair of suede boots that he made for her – they are about 28 years old and while they have gotten new heels on them, she says they are still the most comfortable shoes she owns. I also have a couple of pieces of furniture my parents had made while we lived overseas…big heavy pieces of handcrafted art that will last many generations. You can go to Rooms to Go…buy something but it is not going to last for generations – mass production has destroyed the craftsmen of the past. I still have bouts of culture shock after 28 years of living stateside…~L~ I love going to the farmers market as it is as close to shopping in the bazaars, I try to patronize small businesses instead of the commercial chains when at all possible….life moves so quickly for us, always rushing and dashing around…as I get older, I really seek the things of my childhood but am finding it more and more difficult to show those types of things to my kids.

    Shoes….go ahead, get your street pair and your climbing pair. You have to take care of those feet or they can’t take care of you !

    Comment by grainne — November 19, 2005 @ 4:56 pm | Reply

  19. grainne: please don’t tease me. i’ve been broke for so long that i have like one pair of wearable shoes that isn’t holey.

    i’m envious a little of where you grew up. only a little because i got canada which, well. rocks, but jealous nonetheless.

    i love old things. you can feel the care and/or the love that went into them. you just don’t see that in modern cooke cutter things.

    i meant to buy shoes but instead i bought a couple of hot girly shirts with toronto maple leafs on them… i’m such a tomboy that i bought HOCKEY shirts and i think they’re sexy!

    Comment by sassinak — November 20, 2005 @ 12:37 am | Reply

  20. Catching up with you Sass, and Im glad I did!

    Hooray for you honey! Deep inside Im doing a happy dance and giving you a high-five…

    I don’t like what you said about shoes being a fat girl thing though… uh, er… you’re not fat.

    You have to know this.

    k, so I adore you… and damn it’s about time you had some good fortune!

    Comment by Everything nice — November 20, 2005 @ 9:29 am | Reply

  21. bubbles: i know i’m not fat, but i’m also 55 pounds lighter than i was when i got in my accident. aka 8 jeans sizes or so. shoes sort of saved me because i could still shop in regular stores. being ONLY able to shop in the fat girl stores is really hard!

    i’m still a teeny bit chubbier than i would like but it’s disappearing fast *dance of joy*

    Comment by sassinak — November 20, 2005 @ 1:36 pm | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: