snapshots of an idle mind

November 28, 2005

thoughts

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 4:10 pm

.
so i’m just going to assume that everyone reading this post has read my last few posts… most specifically “ouch” because that post brought up some thoughts and yeah i’m a gonna share them.

you guys make it really hard NOT to be honest.

first of all i stupendously appreciate the outpouring of people telling me that i’m brave and courageous and that i have somehow touched them or made them think.

i especially appreciate the stories people shared in email and comments about how such things had affected them… although i was hoping for more of them because maybe someone else has insight into this crap that i don’t have. or a suggestion for how to make the conversation easier for myself and for the man that i have to have the conversation with.

because it is, if nothing else, a bomb. in fact i wrote a poem once… which has disappeared into the annals of usenet now… about this very thing because i had just had the conversation with a very nice man who i then elected not to sleep with. I still don’t know why i didn’t sleep with him, he was an excellent guy if young and he wasn’t particularly put off by my STD.

Ah well, that was like nine or ten years ago now so i’m guessing it doesn’t matter.

Anyway i was really surprised at the effect this post actually had on folks. it was both more and less than i expected somehow. hrm that doesn’t sound like what i mean…

i did not expect so many people telling me that they admired and respected me all the more than they already had… and i didn’t realise how many of you thought i was as awesome as you clearly do. i was surprised at some notable absences from my comments section. i was really suprised at how few of you have experience with sexually transmitted diseases and i was pleasantly surprised at the lack of judgement displayed in the comments.

not to mention? i still can’t believe that i posted that!
.

just got back from the farm where i spent a fantastic weekend with my sister and her new boyfriend. this is an excellent guy y’all. he’s considerate in this really cool and effortless way that speaks to his nature rather than to his trying to impress my sister or myself. i’m pretty sure it’s real anyway since he is the same way with everyone. calm, considerate and funny as hell.

not to mention? at least as smart as she is!

don’t knock how hard it is to find someone with a brain that matches yours… because it’s well and truly difficult.

anyway i like the guy and i find him really easy to hang out with and i know one thing for certain. even if the two of them don’t manage to work out as a couple she will have a much better handle on how to spot a man who is actually nice rather than pretending to be nice until he hooks her. and maybe so will i!
.

got a new windshield today so that’s two down on my list of the five things i need to do to my car as soon as i can afford it. now it’s oil pan, clutch, tranny and then done done done. shut up, i know that cars are never all the way fixed but this list has been niggling for close to a year in it’s entirety and some parts for a couple of years before that.

also? it’s nice not to have a major structural weakness looking you in the face every time you enter your vehicle.

it’s nice to know that some tiny rock isn’t nearly as likely to shatter my windshield in my passengers’ face than it was.
.

i’m jealous that bubbles broke the 300 comment mark.

what? aren’t you?
.

salt is around again which means that i have to take my askingoutus interruptus and put it back on the front burner. get it all nice and warmed up so i’m ready when i see him again.

*nervous tummy flutter*

i have to say that asking someone out is about a hundred times easier online than it is in person. in person they can see your face when they say no. [notice that i choose to assume he’ll say no] AND in this case it’s someone that i will most definetely see again on something like a weekly basis.

cause yeah, that sure makes it easier.
not.

if it was online i could just ask and then disappear forever from his corner of the internet… but no, i’m going to see him again regularly. this is almost, but not quite, enough to make me never do it.

note i said not quite…

i have decided on a policy though. always assume they’ll say no. that way one can only be pleasantly surprised. this also goes well with my pessimistic outlook on life. always assume the worst will happen, that way the surprises are always good and the shit is always expected.

well nearly always.

car accidents really do sneak up on you.

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30 Comments »

  1. I’ve never been the judgmental type…things….horrible things…can happen to anyone. It’s never safe…nor good policy to assume the worst in a person. I haven’t read much of you yet…and I surely don’t know you well…but from the little I’ve seen you seem like good ‘people’ to me. Have a super week!

    Comment by Mike — November 28, 2005 @ 4:35 pm | Reply

  2. you are completely correct in your policy toward judging others… i’m just not sure you realise how rare such an enlightened attitude actually is!

    i try to be good people and i think that’s all anyone can really ask for!

    the week started off with a bang, let’s hope it continues!

    Comment by sassinak — November 28, 2005 @ 5:04 pm | Reply

  3. car accidents=the downfall of my existence. seriously. aside from my back thing, all my crap has stemmed from a 5 second collision that happened almost 10 years ago. snarf!

    anyway. not always good to assume they say no, but…shockingly, i’m a huge proponent of self protecting..and assuming the worst usually insulates you for whatever fall, and makes the contrary that much brighter.

    and i’m jealous of your sister. hardcore style!

    Comment by da buttah — November 28, 2005 @ 5:40 pm | Reply

  4. Good to see that your w/e was good and your week is starting off lovely.

    Hopefully the people you touched with your post will touch others so that they might touch others also.

    Comment by castufari — November 28, 2005 @ 5:52 pm | Reply

  5. as stated before, it takes a lot of courage to just put that out there. i have a feeling that more of us have dealt with this kind of thing than might be visible — a lot of people don’t have the strength to do what you did. it was a really commendable thing, no need to be surprised, love!

    also, go sis! that’s awesome when someone comes into your life, no matter how, and reminds you of what qualities you really aprpeciate. at least you get to see that in him, and so does she. that’s awesome :)

    also! agreed on asking people out in person. it’s funny how we forget that there was a time when the net didn’t exist and IM wasn’t even an option!

    Comment by Blondie — November 28, 2005 @ 5:54 pm | Reply

  6. it’s always nice to meet a nice guy/gal, especially when they’re involved with a relative or friend.

    what sucks is if/when they break up, and you don’t get to see the nice guy/gal anymore … LOL

    and glad you had a good weekend … and I’d wish you good luck on askin the dude out, but I’m sure he’ll say yes, cuz yer awesome! duh! ;)

    Comment by DZER — November 28, 2005 @ 6:14 pm | Reply

  7. The key to a lasting relationship, in my mind, is matching brains. If you don’t have them, you don’t have a chance. Take it from someone who knows. :(

    Comment by SignGurl (Jenn) — November 28, 2005 @ 10:18 pm | Reply

  8. You know, I have to admit, that my first reaction to hearing about your STD was shock. I really was shocked at your frankness.

    I have a hard time judging you harshly because you have little control over where your partner’s been. This is one of the main reasons I’m happy that I’m married and don’t have to deal with worrying about where the new partner has been. That whole “dating” thing scares the shit out of me for just that reason.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so naive to think that my partner couldn’t bring something into our marriage. That fear is there, however it is lessened by the fact that I trust him.

    I’m sorry you didn’t get more responses based on other’s experiences.

    Comment by SignGurl (Jenn) — November 28, 2005 @ 10:30 pm | Reply

  9. elle: oh dude i’ve had whiplash six times now… 5 times in a car, once on a motorcycle and there were a couple of headbanging incidents that exacerbated the situation. so yeah dude i feel your pain.

    yeah i’m jealous of my sis too in a nice way… and i think you and i protect ourselves the same way… just we both have to watch that we don’t actually protect ourselves out of something good!

    cast: thanks! i hope so too!

    blondie: i guess it takes courage yeah, but for me it’s more that it’s so important that someone be out there spreading truth that my own personal comfort is irrelevant. i guess that’s strength but who ever notices their own good things?

    yeah he’s a really good guy it seems like… fingers crossed that he really is.

    asking people out sucks. sucks. sucks.

    no i didn’t do it… there’s reasons… not the least of which is that i spent the evening with someone else and had a really good time!

    Comment by sassinak — November 28, 2005 @ 11:33 pm | Reply

  10. dzer: yeah you’re totally right… and losing them really sucks but at the same time i tend to take my sister’s side sorta automagically. hard to say what you do when the relationship lasts years and years. othercat still hangs with one of my exes….

    i didn’t ask. it’s cool.

    jenn: i think you’re right regarding the brains.

    if it’s any consolation i’m at least as shocked that i did that as you are! I just can’t not do that sort of thing. everyone walks around saying ‘someone should…’ so i take it upon myself to be the someone because well… someone should :)

    dude you’re really lucky you aren’t dating, it’s a scary world out there these days.

    and i’m sorry i didn’t get more responses like taht as well, but i did get some great ones nonetheless!

    Comment by sassinak — November 28, 2005 @ 11:36 pm | Reply

  11. by the way … I wanna see the biceps!!!

    Comment by DZER — November 29, 2005 @ 3:21 am | Reply

  12. yeah yeah :P

    it’s not my fault that i don’t have a digital camera…

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 8:48 am | Reply

  13. i get whiplash everytime i snowboard….can’t be good haha..but at least i got that backflip perfected…..

    well…perfected last year.

    bring on the pain in january!!

    Comment by da buttah — November 29, 2005 @ 8:53 am | Reply

  14. Im late to this post… but I wanna say that I think perhaps asking one out on the internet is easier because you don’t have the face to face what ifs.

    seeing no in type is less offense and memorable than hearing it in person.

    I, for one, hate to assume or wonder about body language. You know, you ask and they kind squirm and say… well, uhhhh.

    at least in type your memory doesn’t hold that visual there and allow you to feel as rejected.

    as well like you pointed out.. it’s easy to submerse back into the http://www... and disappear.

    Let me go on record for saying AGAIN that I didn’t have 300 comments… I had a chat room.

    Huge difference Sass… HUGE. In fact, Im thinking of changing the comments piece to chat room.

    Not that I mind, because I love the interaction on my comments section, really…. Miss you there as often as you used to be… but you know what? I know I’ll see you every once in awhile and THAT makes me smile every time I see that you’ve popped by.

    Holy hell, long comment… :)

    Hey, I like salt… in almost everything. :)

    Comment by Everything nice — November 29, 2005 @ 10:31 am | Reply

  15. Sass-

    Nice to know that your sis is happily coupled. It is indeed so vary hard to find someone who can keep your brain engaged. Ick… so many morons out there.

    Yaay for the car stuff…woohoo. I hate having to deal with automotive shit.

    And yes, self-protection is good but you also beed to be vulnerable to let someone in…truly in. So maybe a bit of both?

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — November 29, 2005 @ 10:59 am | Reply

  16. elle: i’m not sure i’m allowed to snowboard again because of the impact on your SI joint when you hit the ground hard on your sitting bones. i haven’t had the balls to ask my teacher yet because i’m not ready to hear the answer!

    bubbles: that’s exactly it. when they say no in person you just have to see that mental image for a long fucking time… or worse they conditional no you ‘well i would but my dog died/i just got divorced/you live far away/i’m broke right now/it’s not you it’s me/etc.. it would be so much easier if people were willing to just say NO.

    you did have a chat room it’s true… but it’s still comments isn’t it? :) but yeah you could change it to say 300 people felt compelled to discourse or somethign *grin*

    i am still there a lot, it’s just with so many others it seems like tehre’s less of me! yeah yah that’s it *grin*

    i like salt too… and butter (long story)

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 11:27 am | Reply

  17. nat: it’s nice to know that there are nice men out there seeking women to keep rather than just men pretending to be nice seeking women to fuck.

    damn granola with nuts, blueberries, nutella, peach/mango yoghurt and flax seed makes for an awesome breakfast!

    anyway yeah, it’s all about the brain, if i don’t want to talk with you over breakfast then what’s the point? and it’s funny who ends up engaging you, it’s not necessarily the one you expect.

    i can’t tell you how happy my new windshield makes me. SO happy it’s unreal. gah i love that car.

    anyway… your last point is a whole other post… i mean you do for sure have to protect yourself but how do you do that and still render yourself open and vulnerable?

    such a dichotomy!

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 11:31 am | Reply

  18. Yeah I am not really sure that’s an easy one. I think I am receptive and vulnerable but if someone shows signs of withdrawal, I withdraw as well while still offering a chance to see if we are interested. But I hate the idea of pursuing someone who is not interested. It’s a hard balance. I have been accused of walking away quickly. And I do, when people don’t treat me well. I don’t believe in sticking around for hurt.

    But yes…it could be a whole other post…or book.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — November 29, 2005 @ 11:40 am | Reply

  19. see that’s my thing also. i think i give up way too easily…

    see a man talking to some woman and assume they’re an item.

    have a guy not take me up on some nebulous suggestion of time spent together and assume he a) got that i was hinting at hanging out with him and b) doesn’t want to

    assume that they can tell that i like them

    you know, all the foolish things. but i don’t fight for things, if i think people don’t want mei just fade into the background and that’s probably cost me a lot in my life.

    so do you want to write chapter one or shall i? :)

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 11:45 am | Reply

  20. oh whatever! i had knee surgery and two weeks later, popped 5 tylenol and snowboarded….

    then returned to have another knee surgery.

    no one said i was intelligent..but, no one’s going to keep me from doin the one thing that truly makes me happy!

    Comment by da buttah — November 29, 2005 @ 11:50 am | Reply

  21. I think I give it a try. When my last boyfriend broke up with me, I asked questions and I asked if he was sure and I told him I still loved him. But once he made it clear it was it…I walked away, never to be heard of again. I think walking away means preserving your dignity, as long as you got everything out that you needed to get out. I told him what I wanted him to know and then I left. I can’t stand the idea of chasing after someone who is running away from you. It’s so sad and so demeaning. I just think relationships are like rowing in twos. If you realize you are the only one rowing and if you stopped you would be still, then you are stupid to keep rowing for two.

    Damn…did I make any sense???

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — November 29, 2005 @ 12:00 pm | Reply

  22. chapter 1: there are two things in this world never worth fighting over. your own dignisty, and, compositely, someone else.

    Comment by da buttah — November 29, 2005 @ 12:23 pm | Reply

  23. I don’t know Elle. I think both are worth fighting for in specific circumstances. Your dignity is what stops you from allowing others to walk all over you. And sometimes, people are worth fighting for…not over…but for if they are in a bad place and you can help. Just some thoughts.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — November 29, 2005 @ 1:27 pm | Reply

  24. yea, dignity is worth fighting for, but not worth fighting over….ie: when you yourself are compromised by something, walk away and preserve yourself..don’t fight it or that urge.

    people? i just don’t see how fighting for or over someone is beneficial. if you have to fight, it wasn’t meant to be.

    that’s just my take on it

    Comment by da buttah — November 29, 2005 @ 1:56 pm | Reply

  25. yeah buttah but i was pretty fully crippled for a couple of years and nothing on earth iwll make me volunteer for that level of shit ever again. if my teacher tells me not to board, or not to board for a while i will cry and not go.

    but i can climb and that makes me truly happy also so i have some consolation

    nat: i’m with you, when i’m dumped i stay dumped and if you regret it that’s your problem. which isn’t to say that i wouldn’t have a similar conversation before walking away because i would. but yuo are completely right about running after people who are leaving. it’s demeaning and painful and you don’t get crap out of it but shame in the long run.

    AND all it does is drive them away faster.

    yes dear, perfect sense! what is with my commenters doubting their ability to use english? [funny cause it’s the english nerds that do it too!]

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 1:59 pm | Reply

  26. elle: word. except well… i will fight to stay dignified in the face of humiliation only because i will then be a lot happier to face myself in the mirror.

    as for someone else? it’s like nat says, some people are worth fighting for but not over.

    and that whole i saw him first/he’s mine bull shit is just that, bull shit. but if someone you love is in a bad way and needs you to love them and fight for them… well that’s worth it isn’t it?

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 2:02 pm | Reply

  27. i guess i’m retarded..either that or almost dying kind of made me not really care about anything other than doing things i want..so i do lots and lots ad LOTS of stupid shit most people with half a brain wouldn’t do…..like base jumping and bungee jumping off a bridge with the help of people my age who are not even remotely professional or in the know of what they are doing

    but least i have fun :)

    fighting for someone…i just..it seems counter intuitive. i’m on the “skulk off as quietly as you entered” agenda. maybe i’m too prideful

    Comment by da buttah — November 29, 2005 @ 2:26 pm | Reply

  28. hey elle: i don’t know what base jumping is…

    i think that taking risks is a part of life and you should enjoy it while you’re young because that desire to be nuts will fade and you’ll miss it but it will be gone nonetheless. so be nuts now i say!

    as for fighting… i mean fight for my friend to help them out or defend people i love. when it comes to partners though i think when they’re gone they’re gone and beyond making it clear you’d like them to say you’re probably best off skulking off quietly.

    but i, *I* give up before i’ve even started!

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 2:36 pm | Reply

  29. Hey Sass,

    Just ask him out and take it from there.

    If he doesn’t want to go out right away it could be simply for many other reasons then you. Or it could be he’s not interested in you in that sense but hey, feel the pain and move on!

    Its his loss regardless (then give me his address and I’ll take care of it Italian style) ;)

    Seriously:

    I’m a rejection expert having gone through it (and continue to do so- read “ can barely get a date”) all the time! *L* It only gets easier with practice and a more positive outlook.

    Going in assuming they’ll say no will actually make it so they will not take in your advances because your body language will be in that negative realm. You will be sending off negative (read *scary*) signals to your target and they WILL run away.

    It’s much better to go in thinking you will win. This is true for business as well. People that are successful don’t think about the possibility of losing.

    Remember, as humans, we like to be right so if you go in thinking they will say no (subconsciously) you will do everything in your power to prove you are right…

    Everyone is attracted to confidence and the energy it transmits. So instead of going in thinking “Will he like me?” Go in thinking “Will I like him?” It’s NOT the same thing.

    Anyway you know I love you!

    Next time you are over remind me to lend you something and take pics of your biceps ;)

    Claude

    Comment by Daywalker — November 29, 2005 @ 4:40 pm | Reply

  30. daywalker: i was going to actually but there’s this party and that just seems a lot easier. if nothing comes of it i’ll ask someone out next week.

    i completely get that sometimes people not wanting to go out might have nothing to do with you. that said, IF they want to date you at all they are usually quick to make alternate plans or suggest a time they will be available. otherwise it TENDS to mean they aren’t into you like that.

    which is fine. but i have to be careful in this place that i plan to hang out for years…

    hee italian style taking care of!! yay you’re going to feed him to death *lmao*

    dude i totally understand the rejection thing. it fully baffles me in your case because you’re interesting and hot… so i can only imagine it’s that you’re so rarely out in groups with eligible women in them.

    i hate that you’re right about assuming they’ll say no. hate it. but you are. if i think he’ll say no he’ll sense it somehow and that will be that.

    shit. that means i have to make myself MORE vulnerable. this isn’t easy dammit.

    funny thing is that i am definetely wondering if i will like people when i ask them out. to me it’s not a declaration of love only a declaration of curiousity.

    like ‘i want to get to know you a little to see if i want to get to know you better…’ but somehow it’s so much harder than that.

    i do know that and know that the feeling is mutual! also… what are you lending me? and yay, biceps pics!

    when are we going for martinis anyway?

    Comment by sassinak — November 29, 2005 @ 8:47 pm | Reply


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