snapshots of an idle mind

December 14, 2005

weak as a newborn kitten and strange choices

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:49 pm

[this was supposed to get posted 8 hours ago but i sorta didn’t finish in time]

.
wow this stuff my osteopath did to me is just strange. firstly i feel really sore and yet at the same time somehow so much more together. i hit the gym last night for an hour of routes and i was weak yo. but i was weak in a really strong way.

hrm that makes no sense.

okay it’s like my shoulder is actually doing what it’s supposed to do. it’s actually sitting in the RIGHT place and working with my other shoulder. however it’s been working in a depressed and pulled forward fashion for a few years so the muscles around it developed around the injury and they’re used to working from a compromised starting position.

i’d been noticing for a while that my shoulders weren’t moving together when i was doing pilates and i’d also been noticing that my shoulder sometimes just refused to pull no matter how i asked it to when climbing. and i’d been noticing that it was slowly getting worse.

eventually i had to realise that the shooting pain when i took a deep breath was NOT something that i could fix and i also had to realise that i wasn’t going to get anywhere near my teacher for a private so i figured it was time for some osteo.

was i ever right. i was slowly twisting up in my entire torso. my pelvis was torquing in a direction that goes along nicely with what my shoulder was doing and i think i better understand some lingering foot pain.

it’s just really surprising how weak the muscles feel. i was falling off easy holds when i was traversing and i could not force myself to slow down no matter how i tried. i’m going to climb again tonight for an hour or so and take it nice and easy while i reintegrate my shoulder.

it turns out, in fact, that my osteo and my physio had a bit of an argument way back when. the osteo was convinced i wasn’t done yet and the physio was sure i was fine. if they had asked me i could have told them that i absolutely wasn’t better. of course i couldn’t AFFORD the visit so it’s sort of irrelevant until you realise that i had a couple of visits left on my treatment plan from my insurance company at the time.

still it’s interesting that because the physio was the practitioner in charge they never even discussed it with me.

ah well, i see why the two of them broke up.
.

do you ever look back on something you did and find it baffling?

this happens to me most often when it comes to crushes and exes. i’ll talk to them or see them or have them brought to mind by mutual friends and i’ll just shake my head and shrug at my own behaviour. not with all of them mind you, i have several exes (including my ex husband) whom i consider wonderful growing experiences and good choices in my life.

but some.

wow.

what in hell was i thinking?

i’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes i crush on people because i’m exploring a part of myself in a safe way. that maybe that inappropriate guy with the biker colours or the pink mohawk (actually he was awesome) or the s&m lifestyle or the drinking problem that i had a ridiculous crush on wasn’t so ridiculous. that perhaps i was learning what i do and don’t like and what i do and don’t need or even what i can and can’t handle.

so maybe in the long run it’s those ones that don’t work out. the ones whom you never date and sometimes hardly get to know who actually have the most to teach you about yourself. the ones you don’t ask out or even ever really talk to. maybe they’re your lessons in life.

the easy lessons, the ones you can learn by observation instead of experience.

then there are the exes. the ones that make you shake your head at your own silliness. i have more than one friend that has been involved in an emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship and i myself have come pretty close to the emotional aspect of abuse with at least one man that i was with for a while.

and sometimes i wonder if we all have to have at least one of those so that we then KNOW what to avoid.

but that thought? that thought makes me really sad because it implies that there are enough assholes out there that we all get to have a couple. and that shit sucks if it’s true. but still, i’m not sure i know anyone who doesn’t have a really shitty ex.

now i know that sometimes who you’re with brings out the asshole in you. that was certainly true of tr and i and of myself with dw. man dw could have me enraged and ready to hit things in seconds… it was really an amazing talent.

and then i wonder why i stayed with them. why when i was so unhappy and things were so bad did i stay? not forever mind you but long enough.

in retrospect it’s clear i wasn’t thinking clearly or that my instinct for self preservation wasn’t kicking in. and that’s bloody strange because i am all about protecting myself. so where do these decisions come from? why do we make terrible relationship choices and then wonder at our own misery?

just because we’re silly? or is there a lesson there?

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19 Comments »

  1. Sass-

    I tend to think that everything happens for a reason. Not necessarily that it’s predetermined but that everything serves as alearning experience. I have certainly been in that place where I either see or think of people I went out with or had crushes on and I laugh at myself or think…WTF? I certainly wouldn’t give the time of day to people I considered dating seriously a few years ago. I think it’s about growth. We go through stages and “refine” our taste, so to speak. Also, at times, we have come to see the people in another light. For example, I used to think my ex was the most wonderful person I had ever met. After he treated me like dirt and I foundout all his dirty little secrets…not so much lol … so I think there are a few things that come together on that. But I still think you learn and grow every time, even if the lesson escapes you for a while.

    Damn I am a verbose bitch again.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — December 15, 2005 @ 7:12 am | Reply

  2. kudos on the strongly weak or weakly strong thing … I totally know what you’re talking about after living with years of chronically dislocating shoulder (not fun). so way to go, and keep on going!

    as for the other thing … I’ve come to realize that I just don’t fuckin’ know, and probably never will LOL

    Comment by DZER — December 15, 2005 @ 8:45 am | Reply

  3. natalia: i share that sense actually. all of my experiences have led me here and without them someone else would be answering this comment.

    yeah i look at even the guy i was after a couple of years ago and i just sort of shake my head and wonder at myself. i know that sometimes it’s a protection thing, where we crush on people we know we can’t have because it keeps us safe and alone… and i know that when i’ve just split up with someone that my crushes tend to be massively inappropriate…

    yeah refine… that’s the word. and verbose on, i like your thoughts!

    dzer: dude is that what you were talking about in your post yesterday regarding the fighting? i had just sat down to comment on it and my phone rang dammit.

    i don’t think we ever know dzer… i think we just keep groping for answers :)

    Comment by sassinak — December 15, 2005 @ 10:07 am | Reply

  4. Is it because even if things are iffy, it’s “safe”? There is no unknown, unlike being out by yourself.

    Comment by castufari — December 15, 2005 @ 10:43 am | Reply

  5. Wow, another great blog by Sass!

    Every confrontation, experience, feeling, and assuption (or reaction hereto) is a lesson learned.

    I strongly believe that. It not only applies to bf/gf relationships or marriages. It applies to how we interact with others and experiences in whole.

    If I had never had the relationship failures and marital challenges that I had in the past, I could never acheive the happiness and fulfillment I have now in my life.

    I cannot reflect back and say “damnit, I should’ve”… I can only sell “well, Im not doing or looking for that again”

    Still facing the strain then you beautiful thing you? Aww, I see bright physical things in your future :)

    I’ll be your cheerleader anytime!

    *huggs and strength*

    Em

    Comment by Everything nice — December 15, 2005 @ 10:53 am | Reply

  6. Sass-

    Indeed…my last crush was massively inappropriate. That’s why I never EVER would have acted on it. But even if it had not been, I don’t think I would have ever acted on it either. There is something to what you said about protecting oneself. Indeed. Especially if someone has hurt you. Keeoing people at bay is a way to make sure no one gets close enough to hurt you again.

    I am crush-less right now…other than James Blunt…and that’s not the real thing. I think I am taking time off from men again. At the very least until the new year..what is that, like two weeks? I’m such a poser!

    lol

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — December 15, 2005 @ 10:53 am | Reply

  7. cast: that’s definetely part of it. it’s easier to let your emotions be tied to someone inappropriate than it is to be open to sometthing and vulnerable too.

    bubbles: thanks lady! and another great comments section from the regulars. damn y’all rock.

    you are absolutely correct that the lessons come from everything and not just from relationships and crushes but they’re an easier example. and i wouldn’t be nearly the friend i am now without some spectacular friend failures in the past.

    and yes, i try not to regret my choices… and other than a couple i succeed… and those are more regrets like ‘it would have been better to…’ because i didn’t respect myself when i made the decisions.

    yeah definetely facing some strain, beat myself up last night too!

    yay cheers from the smoking hottie in the red corner!

    *huggs* [and good luck finding a dong! *giggle*]

    nat: yeah the couple i had after tr i knew all along weren’t real. i’m currecntly having to learn to be not proud and to open myself to someone who is even more cautious than i am. will it be worth it in the end? i really think so… but damn the fall could hurt like hell.

    i’m sort of pre dating someone :)

    i’m shitty at taking time off so my brain goes for the inappropriate but fortunately lets me KNOW which ones are real and which ones to try and let go :)

    enjoy your little dating sabbatical!

    Comment by sassinak — December 15, 2005 @ 1:22 pm | Reply

  8. If one could call it that…lol… and yaay on the pre-dating…that is such a sweet time :) Enjoy

    *le sigh*

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — December 15, 2005 @ 1:55 pm | Reply

  9. I was coming out of a crappy relationship once when I put my head on my best friend’s shoulder and asked him: “Why did he have to go and DO that?” A. just turned to me, patted my head and said “Into everyone’s life, a little asshole must fall. It was just your turn.”

    Truer words were never spoken.

    Comment by mightydoll — December 15, 2005 @ 2:52 pm | Reply

  10. nat: it is really sweet… it’s hard though because it’s too soon to just out and say things so you really could be setting yourself up for a massive fall. we’ll see :)

    doll: damm. you nailed it.

    Comment by sassinak — December 15, 2005 @ 6:15 pm | Reply

  11. wow. i’ve had more than one asshole….i’m like a magnet for them (the current one is about to get the boot too…least i wise up after taking a ton of shit eh?)

    ahhhh! restrospect! i’m the queen of it. i do it daily…and it’s mostly in that “what the shit did i come into this room for again?” reason…but..no, seriously..i look back on a lot of my life and wonder why i did/choose the things i did…

    but without those piddily and silly actions…we wouldn’t be us, in the end, right?

    maybe that’s the lesson–everything is life affecting, so buckled up and enjoy :)

    Comment by da buttah — December 15, 2005 @ 7:00 pm | Reply

  12. elle: i’ve had a few myself. i do know that some of them are off being perfect men for someone else. which is weird but nonetheless :)

    i know for sure that i’ve learned a lot from my life and that without the really shitty parts of it i wouldn’t be me… i can’t swear that i would choose alll of my experiences again… there’s a couple i might change … but for the most part? i would live my life again.

    i think that is the lesson elle… buckle up and enjoy!

    Comment by sassinak — December 15, 2005 @ 8:17 pm | Reply

  13. I firmly believe we get into these relationships because It’s a lesson we HAVE to learn. I always thought I was NOT going to be like the shrinks on tv said, that I was better than that and I had it beat. I had a crap childhood and I have issues and such, but no way was I gonna end up with anyone like my dad. Well Iwas mostly right my EX is like my dad, mom, sister and everyone else who ever did a crumby thing to me. I was so hell bent on ignoring that those people existed and had affected me that I went out and found this ONE person who in less than 3 years would do every horrid, degrading, mean, violent and awful thing I had ever experienced in my life; to me again and add some more.

    I learned a lot from him. I’m not totally positive about the whole experience yet and I may not be even after I can afford the divorce; but he taught me a lot about myself and my own tolerance for lies and my powers of self delusion. Scary things. But now that I know them for what they are I think I’m a better person. Sure I got screwed over this year, but it was only once this years instead of umpteen times, so I’ve gained skills at least – from being with him.

    Maybe one day I can thank him for it. Not today tho.

    Comment by Amber — December 15, 2005 @ 10:31 pm | Reply

  14. you know i write these posts and i hope that they get people thinking and then someone like you comes along who has it at a much deeper level then i do and i’m amazed that people trust my blog enough to make these kinds of comments.

    i agree with you that we do have to learn the lessons that we bring to ourselves, it’s just that sometimes i wonder when the lessons end. when you get to accumulate enough lesson points to have a *Real Relationship ™* instead of *another good life lesson*.

    don’t get me wrong, the lessons i’ve learned have all been valuable but i feel like i’ve done all this preparing to not have the future i wanted… and then i wonder what i need.

    i’m sad amber that you found the one person who would treat you that way… but at the same time i’m glad that you did because in 3 years you learned ALL the things that you can’t bear. that you can’t and won’t tolerate. that make someone not good enough for you. i hope that you find someone more worthy of you next time.

    i hope that someday i can thank some people for some lessons, but i’m not holding my breath…

    thanks for commenting, you moved me a lot.

    Comment by sassinak — December 16, 2005 @ 12:50 am | Reply

  15. Sass:

    You seem more highly intune with your surroundings now…you have this sixth sense that is “there”. I wish I had that, the ability to sense something not right before I make the step. Though those steps seem to make us stronger.

    Comment by castufari — December 16, 2005 @ 8:56 am | Reply

  16. Sass – I just wanted you to know that the kitten innuendo on my post has nothing to do with your weakness as a kitten.

    I promise to halt all masterbatory practices if it means saving your life.

    *giggle*

    Thanks for understanding that I’m an email shlep. I’m sure that wasn’t a difficult lesson to learn.

    Comment by Everything nice — December 16, 2005 @ 10:41 am | Reply

  17. castu: you’re right, i’m far more aware of the internal dialogue that my body is having with me. that said, i still make just as many judgement mistakes with people as anyone… although none i can think of lately….

    bubbles: i haven’t read your post this morning, but when i get to it i promise not to take any innuendo as relating to me.

    as IF you would stop masturbating. that’s as likely as me stopping climbing!

    you suck at email, shit happens *huggs*

    :)

    Comment by sassinak — December 16, 2005 @ 12:10 pm | Reply

  18. Hi sassinak your blog is really great! Wow :-) As I was out blog surfing and surfing the web for detailed info on I stumbled across your blog. Obviously my search landed me here and it is a little off subject compared to this post, but I am certainly glad I did come across your blog. Did I already tell you I like it! If you would not mind, I would like to add your link to my “favorites” page to come back and read again sometime. Should you ever need it, there’s lots of information on this site about . Again, great blog and keep up the great work!

    Comment by Rebek — December 17, 2005 @ 12:12 pm | Reply

  19. muhahahahahahaha

    stoopid spambot can’t even get links in it’s posts.

    *laughing my ass off*

    Comment by sassinak — December 17, 2005 @ 2:19 pm | Reply


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