snapshots of an idle mind

December 22, 2005

turning on a dime

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 6:44 pm

let me tell you my christmas spirit has improved drastically in the last couple of days. i’m still cranky and sick but i did do some shopping today and i’ve dealt with nearly everyone. Okay that isn’t true, i’ve done all the EASY presents but my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins are still escaping me AND i found the most awesome thing for a friend but they didn’t have it in his SIZE!

god dammit!

anyway i feel better because i’ve done some shopping and because i’ve realised that in spite of my enforced week off i’m still financially okay. this is unbelievable really because a year ago this would have screwed me like i can’t even put into words. i wouldn’t have been able to pay my rent.

this year? i’m irked because my credit card will take an extra month or two to pay off.

yeah perspective. pretty awesome.

so, after hubris read my previous post and realised i didn’t have squat to do on christmas night he called me up and invited me into his plans. you don’t get how awesome this is because i haven’t told you yet that his plans involve having lsd come to visit and i haven’t seen lsd in ages!

it’s extra sucky that the gift i nearly got him today would have been too big though.

so i bumped (with her full consent) princess valium to next friday and now i get to hang out with some excellent friends on christmas night AND boxing day AND on new year’s eve eve. Is that a day? it’s always nice to hang with the other orphans because you feel less lame for being alone. well hubris’ girlfriend will be there but she’s cool so it’s all right as long as they don’t get too squishy.

anyway i’m delighted and i’m feeling much less lonely. i think a big part of my joy comes from having actually shopped. it’s so much less daunting now because so much more shopping is done. also i’ve booked a few clients for next week so i’m working a reasonable week (about two thirds my regular schedule) and that will help make up for this week a smidge.

all in all i’m feeling way better than i was when i wrote my previous post. in fact i’m going climbing. i was trying not to because i’m sick and it can take energy from your immune system but i’m stiff and sore and i felt better on tuesday when i did it so…

okay i’m insane. but i can’t shop anymore which means i’ll have to shop a little on saturday when i was going to go climb so… you see where i’m going with this?

yup right back to the sickbed!

i don’t have a crush on anyone.

nope, no one.

nope not him either.

just nothing.

i know that doesn’t seem like a big deal because well, really? it isn’t. but the thing is that i’ve realised that i’m happier when i’m into someone. i didn’t realise this about myself until recently when i sort of went through a little string of mini crushes. (as opposed to the lame ass ones that last months and are emotionally exhausting and just make you tired without accomplishing shit)

and yeah, i’m happier when i’m into someone.

how weird is that? personally i think that it’s pretty weird. first of all it’s very one track mindish of me to want to serially crush on people and frankly it’s innefficient. why can’t i just notice (for example) all the men i have liked, will like and currently like at the climbing gym and sorta comparison shop, pick the one i like the best, ask him out and move on?

nope not me, i’ll like serially hyper focus on one after the other until i’ve gone through all the guys in the group that i would consider dating (and a few others to boot) and then i’ll be done with that group.

and knowing me? switching gyms for a while. okay maybe not, i’m pretty in love with my gym. you can’t blame me, the routes are awesome, there’s tons of good bouldering and i don’t get tied to the floor. (I fucking hate being tied to the floor)

the good news is that although i still hyper focus i’ve widened it just enough that if someone asks me out i won’t say ‘no thank you, i’m hopelessly gone on someone i can’t have’ and i will say ‘i’d be delighted.’ this is an enormous improvement let me tell you.

i spent a year in college being gone on some guy who wasn’t into me at all and it took until somewhere around month 6 for me to actually be willing to do things with other men… but that’s a whole other story *happy memory grin*.

*clears throat*

okay the point is that i’m a serial monogamist when it comes to relationships *and* it turns out i even get like that about crushes. that’s just wrong.

ah well, with age comes wisdom and all i can do is keep widening the focus.

someone to date would work too :)



  1. Glad to see that you’re HappySass once again!

    As far as being into someone, I always found myself to be happier when I was with someone who felt the same about me as I did about them, provided that feeling was good and not bad. :)

    Comment by castufari — December 22, 2005 @ 7:34 pm | Reply

  2. Gee, how does one follow wheel chair spam?????

    Glad yer feeling better.

    Don’t feel so weird about the serial crush thing. Everyone is like that, attached or no.

    Comment by Matt Vella — December 22, 2005 @ 10:05 pm | Reply

  3. cast: i don’t know if i’d go that far… i’m not all the way happier, in fact i’m maudlin as fuck.

    that said, i’m at least feeling the spirit of the season again. albeit a bit sadder and lonelier than usual but that’s probably a lingering cold thingy.

    hard to say since i am a chronic low grade depressive so it doens’t take much to toss me in there.

    dude noone has felt that way about me since tr and i split up. yeah of course it’s more fun to be into someone who is into you but i don’t seem to get that in this decade.

    or worse… the almost into you but not into you enough dilemma.

    eep bad feelings in couples suck ass.

    vell: [hee now i have an elle and a vell *grin*]

    one follows wheelchair spam by being the blog owner and deleting it! i love killing comment spam, it’s somehow extra satisfying.

    well a bit better yup and seeing the way to all the way there.

    i like the way you comment… little statements that sum up the other side of the argument in like 5 words. i wish i could do that but i am a wordy bitch.

    Comment by sassinak — December 22, 2005 @ 11:43 pm | Reply

  4. hey darlin’ … sorry I missed out on the last post; I think I got an older cached version of your page and pretty much missed it.

    I’m feeling you on the alone thing; it’s sucks major ass, especially on the holidays. I’m glad your maudlin level is slightly less de-elevated than it was.

    Looks like you’re set on plans, you lucky girl. I do a last Christmas Eve thing with my godsons and their family, where I’m pretty much a part of the family, and I love having fun with my godsons and their little cousins at christmas … and they love having a giant walking jungle gym of a nino/uncle. LOL

    but christmas is alone day. i’m thinking of sleeping in and wallowing, and then playing golf.

    merry christmas to my favorite canadian ;)

    Comment by DZER — December 23, 2005 @ 1:58 am | Reply

  5. hey dzer

    no huhu, i’ve missed out on a pile of yours lately oh prolific one! that happens to me sometimes with comments and stuff on mine and other people’s blogs. i think blogger is overlauded.

    i usually don’t mind being alone but the holidays sort of blow for it. it’s harder still when your coupled friends don’t think you should be lonely… and yet they have someone waiting at home.

    i’m glad my maudlin level is odwn too. why aren’t you seeing your mom and stuff on christmas?

    mmmm sleep, wallow, golf. sounds like a great day *grin*

    blessings of the universe to you and yourse dzer!

    Comment by sassinak — December 23, 2005 @ 8:53 am | Reply

  6. I broke down.

    I went to the goddamn mall yesterday. I dealt with shitloads of people. I laughed my ass off at the throngs of single high school men who just kind of congregated looking expectantly for their female counterparts to be walking around. Are guys really that dumb? Do they think women, when shopping, give a shit about guys..and do they honestly think throngs of high school girls are going to go shopping WITHOUT parents? last time i checked, i couldn’t do shit without my parents that involved copious amounts of money until i moved out. stupid men. AND PUT ON A COAT!! it’s -3 outside, you look retarded, not “cool”.

    okay. i’m done. NO! no i’m not!! i waited 45 fuckin minutes in the goddamn starbucks line to get my brother the only gift that’s worthwhile now that he’s budgeted himself and doesn’t do starbucks runs everyt 3 hours or so….and when i get up to the counter to grab a card…what does the little woman behind the counter, who was about as slow as molassess on a blistery cold day (you work at a coffee shop..GET A DRINK FOR CHRIST’S SAKE and speed it up) say? “The card thing isn’t like… like, yea, we can’t do gift cards.” wow. thanks. “how long as it been down?” “oh! like all week, it’s pretty crappy. NEXT!” Yea put up a sign you fuckheads. that’s 45 minutes of my life i felt nauseated beyond belief from the smell of coffee, and i don’t have a $70 gift card to show for it. ass bastards!

    in other more related news: i’ve never had a crush. i feel lost as all hell when my thoughts no longer are my own, but drift to thoughts of someone else. it honestly drives me nuts, and…..

    god. go figure i’m single!

    well, my resolution is to try to meet people…and try to date….join the bangwagon :)

    Comment by da buttah — December 23, 2005 @ 9:32 am | Reply

  7. buttah:

    You might be able to buy ’em online and have it shipped to him. The SB I go to is quick, there is another in the middle of the touristy part of town that is SLOW and sucks a fat one. Hah, I just looked, their online card this is fucked, too.

    Wheelchair spam…if they keep posting that crap to Sass’s blog they’re gonna be in one! :D

    Sass: Your post sounded cheerier. I’m with you on the low grade depression, see if it runs in the family (it does in mine). Whenever I feel it starting to hit I do something to occupy my mind/body.

    Ok, I’ve about had it with Celtic Christmas music! grrrr.

    Comment by castufari — December 23, 2005 @ 10:38 am | Reply

  8. sass: the universe is a big thing to be dropping blessings … i guess that as long as I dont’ get sucked into a black hole, I’ll be happy … heh

    buttah: starbucks starsucks

    and yes … I’m a little tipsy tonight .. this morning … prezzie booze … heh

    Comment by DZER — December 23, 2005 @ 12:38 pm | Reply

  9. buttah: that blows, bites and sucks! i too went to the goddamm mall yesterday but i took othercat and actually let my intuition guide me. so far it’s working out well.

    i do not get any man that thinks that a woman shopping 4 days before christmas is in ANY way going to pay attention to him. i mean really, she’s SHOPPING at CHRISTMAS! come on.

    also? wear a fucking coat, and socks and maybe some boots and a hat cause you know what? goose bumps? yeah, not so sexy.

    you’ve never had a crush? wow. i like have serial crushes and frankly get crushy enough for three people. maybe we could share a bit? i’ll give you some crush tendencies and you can pass me a dollop of sex drive *chuckling*

    it drives me nuts too but at the same time i think it’s fun.

    hee bangwagon *lmao*

    cast: now that i only have two more gifts to get i feel a LOT LOT better. i was stressing due to present lack and i LOVE giving gifts to folks. hell i’m giving gifts to people i know for sure aren’t getting ones for me and i’m still delighted about it.

    i’m definetely cheerier but still a bit lonely and sad. less lonely since i’ve filled up a pile of my free time with hubris and lsd and thus can’t sit around feeling sorry fer meself.

    when i feel depression hitting i exercise, get out in the sun or call friends for sociableness. otherwise i funk out. it’s why being sick and locked in my bed is kinda really bad for me :)

    i turn off the radio when i hear my first christmas carol and turn it back on on january one. it does wonders for keeping you in the mood for christmas and not making you want to kill the speakers every five minutes.

    dzer: well not all of the blessings of the universe seem positive when they hit but usually in retrospect they can be.

    mmmm drink up dzer!

    Comment by sassinak — December 23, 2005 @ 1:13 pm | Reply

  10. Don’t like being tied to the floor?

    I just can’t understand that.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — December 23, 2005 @ 1:39 pm | Reply

  11. are we still talking about climbing? cause if not i pretty much like being tied to just about anything.

    but in a climbing situation i far prefer being tied to my partner to being tied to a floor.

    Comment by sassinak — December 23, 2005 @ 2:28 pm | Reply

  12. you’re certainly FIT to be tied…

    Comment by green_hedonist — December 23, 2005 @ 5:24 pm | Reply

  13. um yeah


    Comment by sassinak — December 24, 2005 @ 12:00 am | Reply

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