snapshots of an idle mind

December 29, 2005

if today is your birthday…

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 6:10 pm

.
[yesterday] then chances are that you’re LSD or mightydoll or someone that i don’t know yet. if you’re my friend and it’s your birthday then WHY don’t i know that?

anyhow, lsd popped up to toronto to pass the holidays and has decided to stay for his birthday which suits me just fine because it means i have someone to climb/hang with tonight.

also it’s amusing watching hcg react to him. almost amusing enough to make me argue with my gut some more. almost.

not quite because he just doesn’t take me up on any sort of spending time together suggestions that i make although he does want to know who that man that i’m climbing with is. ah well.

men suck.

okay men that i want to date that aren’t into me suck. or worse… men that i want to date that i sort of need to realise probably don’t really suit me suck even more. or worst? men that i want to date that want my advice about other women! (man there’s been a lot of those over the years)

[so that was yesterday]
i’ve been giving some thought to natalia‘s comment on my last post regarding back burners and i think that she’s nailed it. all this time i’ve been thinking that what i needed to do was to fully get over someone once i decided that they weren’t really into me *that* way.

in retrospect that’s just silly. i mean why do i need to totally get over someone in order to notice someone else? i don’t need to do that at all. in fact what i need to do is stick them in a warming oven in the brain version of the back end of beyond and leave them there. they will either move themselves back to the front burner or quietly overcook and dry up and disappear… but either way there will be much less trauma for me.

there just isn’t any reason to get that attached to someone that fast but at the same time there is no reason to force yourself to cut a string that’s still pretty stuck in your heart. why not just let it fade on it’s own instead like belly buttons do? :)

this is particularly nice because it means that when someone that i’m mostly over is around i can still enjoy flirting and eye contact and even a little pretend dating. i don’t actually mean imaginary dating so much as random hanging out with said person and i think i can even do it in a way that won’t involve massive heartbreak for me.

wow i’m monotopical these days. i think i get like that whenever i’m at the beginning or end of a crush. somehow they take up a lot more attention in the forefront of my brain then they do during. during they live in my head and they’re always there but it’s somehow less immediate at the same time.

i can actually hear several of my friends in my head reacting to that last statement with a ‘yeah right’ and then rampant imitations of me in full blown pining over someone mode. oh man this is actually a really funny mental image and i’m sad that y’all can’t share it.

ironically this dovetails nicely with the spiritual journey that i’ve been drop kicked onto over the last few years. the universe has been trying to teach me that i have to stop planning. stop expecting. stop knowing the outcome and most definetely to stop being in a hurry.

there’s a principle of kundalini yoga that i barely know (because i’m not a yoga nerd but i do get in long convoluted discussions with a kundalini yoga nerd) that basically says that if you want something you probably shouldn’t have it.

okay that’s not it at all. but basically that you shouldn’t get attached to ideas or people or things that you want/expect in life. that you should use those wants as a clue into your psyche but not necessarily act on them. that if you want something to distraction you are probably actually feeding some sort of unhealthy mental pattern.

okay first of all i’ve COMPLETELY bunked it up so please don’t go quoting me to yoga nerds and also, please note that the actual saying is about 6 words long. so yeah i’m paraphrasing something i barely understand.

but in a way i think that it’s right. i think sometimes that this little quest that i’m on to find someone to date isn’t supposed to get fulfilled. or at least not the way i’m expecting it to. i think that maybe it’s about me figuring out what i actually want and need in life.

and what i need is a family. what i’m not sure that i need is a ‘traditional’ nuclear family. i’m much more interested in the idea that a village raises a child and i’m aware that the word village is an allegory for the community of people that you build for yourself in this world.

it’s possible that this interest is developing because it’s baby making time for my ovaries and there isn’t anyone around who wants to make babies with me. (although there are a couple of people in the last year who have informed me that we would make beautiful children *lmao*) I don’t consider my gay friend a real prospect because i’m just not sure that i like the idea of sharing a child with someone that i’m not attached to. and i know that attached parents split up all the time but we’re STARTING split up. [i get that i may change my mind about that] {tragically any man that i know that i consider a suitable sperm donor would NEVER consider not being involved in raising his child *sigh*}

that said, i would not have made it through the last five years without my best friend and his partner. those two are not related to me, not in any way obligated to me and most definetely not married to me. and yet they fed me and drunk me and even kept me in dope. and there was no reason other than love for them to do that.

these people are part of my village no matter where i am in the world. we love each other. we just do.

i would like to form a community of people like that in a very small place. a place where everyone shares and cares with everyone else. and yet? i still want a man of my own.

*laughs ruefully*

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18 Comments »

  1. The attatchment thing is a Buddhist principal. I’ve been lectured on it at length by a close friend.

    Thing about it is, that it’s kinda meant to not be something that can simply be explained. It’s a point to meditate on. You need to discover that for yourself, it’s all part of the road to enlightenment and all that jazz.

    As for child rearing: I’ve been heard to remark that it takes a village to raise (or screw up) a child. Funny thing is, our society is SO not built around that assumption. Oftentimes, even attatched moms are really doing it all by themeselves, and it’s alienating and overwhelming. You learn, eventually to make use of every outlet open to you, but it’s not always easy.

    Thing about coparenting with someone you USED to be attatched to, is that there’s bottled up resentments, more baggage, less obvious reasons to let them have “their way”.

    I would think that parenting with a good friend, upon whom there are no marital expectations, might actually be easier.

    Families come in all permutations, and it’s a matter of finding what works for the parents. Kids aren’t really born with expectations and if they’re loved and nurtured, that’s really all that’s important.

    Just my 2 cents

    Comment by mightydoll — December 29, 2005 @ 7:19 pm | Reply

  2. Here’s that Buddhist principle, summed up best:

    You can’t always get what you want;
    But if you try sometimes
    You might find
    You get what you need.

    heh.

    great post, as usual. I’m only home for lunch for a bit, so I’ll be back later with my usual in-depth, overthought, oversimplistic DZER view of it all ;)

    Comment by DZER — December 29, 2005 @ 10:06 pm | Reply

  3. md: i’m meditating out loud to the internet *grin* … i’m certainly not (for example) giving my attachment to my cats up!

    it’s just so much fun to muse about the intentions of the universe and the lessons we get in our lives.

    our society doesn’t do a lot to support parenting and it’s all in the delivery if you ask me. because we’ve built a car culture there is no longer a local community in a lot of places. when i was 4 my dad would come home and find the porch my mom and the rest of the neighbours were on and the kids would be out front. i could have been at any number of houses all the time. that doesn’t really happen anymore.

    i like your take on coparenting with a friend. noone had managed to hand me the other side of the argument and yet i knew that there was one.

    i just feel like if i’m going to tie my life to someone i sort of want to be boinking them. but then what makes me think that i can make a lifelong relationship anyway?

    thanks for the pennies, keep em coming!

    dzer: you’re funny. do you remember i wrote a post called ‘you can’t always get what you want?’

    thanks for appreciating my posts. i’m glad to know people do.

    overly simplistic… shush! what’s with my commenters and their crushes egos anyway?

    Comment by sassinak — December 29, 2005 @ 11:38 pm | Reply

  4. I’m not very spiritual….and i know that’s fairly obvious…

    but i have this innate feeling, at all times, that things happen for a reason and, in general, things just always will work out somehow….

    may not be the short term goal you had in mind…but in the long run…always works out.

    you know what you want and what you need out of life sass! it’s just a matter of realizing and letting yourself re-act to it all.

    and uhhhhh, i’ve had six shots of bourbon with my mom…and four glasses of wine with din din …so i give up.

    i heart you woman..and we will find men in ’06….WE WILL!!

    Comment by da buttah — December 29, 2005 @ 11:42 pm | Reply

  5. i don’t presume to judge other people’s spirituality or religious nature. i’m intensely spiritual and not religious at all. you i would suspect aren’t very religious but when it comes to spirituality i suspect you have more than you like to admit.

    at least that’s what your innate feeling implies to me :)

    not sure i’ve ever gotten what i ‘expected’ but in the long run i’ve needed the lessons i’ve gotten from my life.

    yeah butt i know what i want but i’m afraid to reach out both hands and do it… which won’t stop me but does cause thinking.

    mmmm i LOVE wild turkey bourbon on the rocks. drink one for me!

    *huggs* butt, here’s to finding men for us!

    Comment by sassinak — December 30, 2005 @ 12:01 am | Reply

  6. A woman that loves bourbon on the rocks? I knew I liked ya!

    Happy almost New Year! Here’s to your quest – I’ll toast many a bourbon on the rocks to you tomorrow night. -M

    Comment by Matt Vella — December 30, 2005 @ 11:03 am | Reply

  7. matt: i also love rusty nails and irish whiskey *grin*

    i’ll be drinking bubbly on my couch and watching tv. i’m actually pretty stoked about it.

    is it weird to be stoked about hiding in your apartment from noon on saturday to 3pm on monday and just enjoying the solitude?

    Comment by sassinak — December 30, 2005 @ 12:51 pm | Reply

  8. i suck.

    but fortunately, others suck harder.

    happy new year, sass. :)

    Comment by stoned.nerd — December 30, 2005 @ 1:18 pm | Reply

  9. :) Now you’re just plain flirting with me…

    Nope, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being stoked about that at all. This time of year especially I’m a major homebody and I say if it gives you pleasure to do so – by all means. I’ve left the house as little as I possibly could this week, and it’s been GREAT.

    Re: wanting kids – I recommend it. Re: men sucking, trying to figure them out etc. – I’d be glad to help, either here or via e-mail if you ever want my POV.

    Comment by Matt Vella — December 30, 2005 @ 1:27 pm | Reply

  10. nerd: but do you swallow? *grin*

    i’m thinking that you’re the kind of guy that if you’re into someone you a) know it and b) let her know it. you at least seem willing to explore your own mind and take the risk of caring out loud.

    that makes you pretty damm unsucky in my book. and happy new year to you as well!

    matt: i try not to flirt with married men but sometimes i can’t help it!

    i feel like i’m supposed to want to go out and party, and i may end up hitting a drum circle thingy and dancing my ass off but i feel like a homebody and i suspect that that’s what will happen. i’m just so used to homebodying with my best friend and his partner, it’s strange that they aren’t here…

    re kids: people keep telling me that i’ll love it and that i’ll make a great mom. i don’t see them offering to pay for or share the sperm though *grin*

    re men sucking: thanks for the offer… got any psychic powers i can borrow? *grin*

    Comment by sassinak — December 30, 2005 @ 2:30 pm | Reply

  11. No worries Sass, I can take the flirtin’, and I can dish it too. ;)

    Do what makes ya happy NYE, be it drummin’, hangin’, or partayin’ – or some combination thereof.

    I could impart my psychic powers upon thee, but then I’d be in big trouble at the home office. So, we’ll have to settle for witty repartee… :D

    Comment by Matt Vella — December 30, 2005 @ 4:06 pm | Reply

  12. matt: yay let’s get our flirt on!

    i’m thinking i’m staying home but it’s possible some last minute shenanigans will come up with a girlfriend or two… but i’m not expecting it.

    your wife might get annoyed if you share your power with a strange canadian woman? *grin*

    yay wit!

    Comment by sassinak — December 30, 2005 @ 6:19 pm | Reply

  13. Thanks, I just laughed and I have a big silly grin on my face. :)

    Comment by Matt Vella — December 30, 2005 @ 10:01 pm | Reply

  14. Eggs.

    Comment by Bathroom Hippo — December 30, 2005 @ 10:07 pm | Reply

  15. I’m one of your overly simplistic commentors and proud of it. Sounds like a twelve step program.

    I have to say that I’m quite jealous of the fact that you have so many blogger friends. Hubris, Othercat, Lividviv and LSD all frequent the abode of Sass. Did I miss any? Did you know them before blogging?

    I heard something profound today about fate. It only takes you so far, the rest is up to you.

    Happy New Year!!!

    Comment by SignGurl (Jenn) — December 30, 2005 @ 10:55 pm | Reply

  16. matt: :)

    hippo: seriously either comment logically or i’ll assume you’re a spammer

    jenn: good for you… stay overly simplistic and proud of it. often it’s the obvious that we’re missing and not the weird subtle permutation.

    lividviv is my sister and got me blogging which sorta got my best friend othercat at the same time and inspired my most excellent friend hubris and his (and now my) friend lsd a little while later. but we all knew each other first. everyone else is someone i met FROM my blog. you can be jealous if you like but i know them all in real life.

    that’s a cool line about fate… i like it.

    happy new year right back atcha!

    Comment by sassinak — December 31, 2005 @ 3:00 am | Reply

  17. Sass- I couldn’t find anything intelligent to say about the shoes… so, i hope you scroll down to see this comment.

    :)

    A village raises a child. So so true. Sure as parents we’re responsible for the safety, well being, and emotional stability of our children… but there’s no doubt that the “village” definetly has an influence in the way a person acheives balance and/or path in life.

    this can be positive or negative depending on your village I think, which is why so many adults strive to put their children in the best schools, neighborhoods…etc.

    Im not going on about this, but in all honestly… sometimes the right (or wrong) village can make a person shine.

    I was raised by a good mom in a bad village. I became an elusive yet strong willed child who always looked over her shoulder.
    paranoid? sure… but only because I figured I would get robbed, raped, or pummeled if I crept 50 feet from my front door.

    BUT I never stayed home. I always went anyway (with pepper spray in tow) but still…

    that feeling I got every time I walked out my front door back in those days?
    i apply it every day now… every day.

    Yes. a village raises a child.

    Happy New Year Sweetheart!

    Comment by Everything nice — December 31, 2005 @ 11:40 am | Reply

  18. bubbles: that’s what the recent comments hack is for. so it keeps track FOR me.

    i had a freaking terrible village. terrible and it absolution made me the person that i am today and i like her a lot. but i would have liked to see myself a lot more challenged academically….

    that said, i’m at least as paranoid and nearly as adventurous as you are and so far it’s kept me pretty safe…

    yeah, i get more paranoid the older i get. it’s a sad commentary.

    Comment by sassinak — January 1, 2006 @ 2:34 am | Reply


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