snapshots of an idle mind

February 15, 2006

just because you want it to

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 8:12 pm

doesn’t make it go away.

i have this friend who is kinda gone on someone that they know they can’t have. i confess to some sympathy because this has happened to me before also. not only do they know they can’t have it but i’m not sure they would want it if it were handed over.

there’s so much more to it than that. but my friend would really like for those feelings to not be there anymore so i said ‘just because you want it to doesn’t make it go away’ and i was struck immediately by the fact that i had come up with another of my pithy little expressions.

most of which i’ve ruined at this point by posting them to my blog and thus rendering them trite and overused.

hrm that may have been a mistake.

so anyway i’m just tickled because it applies to pretty much anything you want it to.
.

be advised this post has taken days and is not being posted when i have any time to answer email. sorry all. and also that the following may have been inspired by pms.
.

dear universe

i’m a little bit ticked with you. i get it that there’s lessons to learn about patience and money management and not needing a car and wants versus needs and all but seriously? how many hits shall i take this week? it’s getting so i’m afraid to leave my house, talk to anyone or look at the internet.

my personal favourite universe challenge of the week is the seal under the timing belt on my car. the one the moron at the dealership (not my usual service advisor, he’s the one who caught the screw up) told me to replace when i got around to doing my timing belt. the seal, in fact, which is allowing oil to leak out right near the actual timing belt. the timing belt which if oil gets on it will snap and cause the cylinders to slam into the engine and shatter it.

yeah that seal. i NEVER would have done my clutch if this had been properly explained to me and now i can’t afford it until march. how the fuck am i supposed to get to work now? i’m afraid to operate my car and i’m definetely afraid to take it on the highway and i have no possibilities because the moron dealership doesn’t actually give CREDIT to people even when they’re the fuckups who caused the mess in the first place.

i’ve actually taken the car in and have to borrow money from my best friend to pay for it. we’ll see about rent later.

don’t get me wrong universe i’m also fully appreciating the shiny bauble dangling and snatching which you’ve gotten so good at. i feel like an ass with a carrot at this point and trust me, the carrot is practically rotten and i still never got a taste of it. and not just one shiny object oh no. several. i particularly like how you reuse the same bauble again and again and it works every time.

i’m like that kid who can’t resist snatching for the toy even though the bully is going to yank it away one more time.

yes universe i’m calling you a bully. i’m feeling very sulky toward you at the moment and if i wasn’t afraid of you i’d stop speaking to you. instead i’m writing you this public letter and whining at you.

please don’t kick me again. at least not until march, i’m already trying to come up with 600 unexpected bucks (which does, mind you, take care of the timing belt a little sooner than expected but pretty close to the correct window…) in two days and my clients are dropping like flies.

all for good reasons and mostly too much work, vacation, spring break or whatever but this month got a little skimpy all of a sudden.

really universe, i cannot wait to see what you come up with next but those meditations my neighbour pile is suggesting? the ones that balance you and make it okay for nice things to happen without matching bad things? i’m thinking of trying them. i just wasn’t really wanting to be in that particular headspace yet, i think i’m a little young for that level of knowledge and sanity.

speaking of young. someone told me recently that they were afraid they were too young for me. somehow after reading my blog and the whole auntie sass thing they’ve decided that i’m sort of like a den mother and possibly too mature to hang out with.

great i’m too tall and i’m probably too fit and i’m definetely way too self confident and able and don’t forget that for some reason those looks that noone is attracted to are scary as hell and that my brains are intimidating and i’m overly aware and and and [irony? if i was exactly the same but 5’7″? i wouldn’t have a dateless weekend ever… or so i keep telling myself. (no i don’t want to give up my height, i rather like it)] and somehow now my maturity level is a problem? *shaking head*

universe i am telling you this shit isn’t funny anymore. oh sure maybe to YOU it’s funny and to the people who enjoy the misery of others this is funny but did you seriously have to arrange it so i had to do my clutch and my timing belt in the same week??????????????????????

i mean seriously, isn’t that a little much?

okay fine, what’s the lesson? i know there is one get on with it. and seriously universe if you toss the patience anvil at me again i’m going to hit someone.
.

speaking of hitting some guy tried really hard to take out my legs yesterday and then when i hit his window with my hand (and incidentally the clasp of my coat) he started yelling at me for hitting his car!

so when i mentioned that he had come within three inches of taking me out at the knees and that had i not been paying attention i would now be legless under his car he KEPT yelling at me. he started telling me that violence was never the answer and that i shouldn’t have hit him and i’m like ‘dude i didn’t hit you i knocked on your window. hitting is for when i break your nose’ and then he started yelling at me for threatening him.

now i’m a little confused, i thought i was the injured party here? i mean it’s my legs that nearly got turned into squash on the road and i’m somehow the one who’s at fault? not to mention he keeps calling me ma’am in this uberinsulting way and i’m pretty sure i’m not the elder in the group.

eventually i give up and slam his car door in his face (why you open the WINDOW and not the DOOR doofus) and i stomp off so he opens his window and shouts about maybe with a better approach i’d get my message across so i just shouted ‘try not killing any pedestrians today you moron’ and kept walking.

the whole thing left me antsy and edgy and reinforced something that i’ve been noticing lately.

what i hear and what people say? or what i mean and what people are hearing? not so related anymore. something is happening with the way i communicate and suddenly people are offended with my words or my friends and i are snappy with each other or hell, me and a ttc bus driver nearly got yelling at each other last night. in that particular case we both ended up laughing about it so i guess that was a net gain.

but nonetheless for a woman who prides herself on her communication skills there is something drastically wrong here and i cannot figure out what it is. i swear i’m being clear i swear. but i’m starting to think that i’m saying things in my head instead of out loud and then assuming that people have the same information.

i know that my old physio told me that if i kept expecting the same level of awareness that i have in people that i would be doomed to disappointment but aren’t i allowed to expect SOME? Clearly not.

okay that last bit about the communicating isn’t really a complete thought but it’s what i got for right now so i’ll elaborate on it later.

happy hump day!

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26 Comments »

  1. pssttttt i’m only 5’8”…so, height ain’t the issue..because i’m dateless as well *sigh*

    men are creatures of dichotomy. they crave challenges, but they want them on their own terms. you, me, the bulk of women who look out onto the world with big questioning eyes….we are challenges that they can’t control. i think they fear that.

    as for the dude in the car, what an idiot! he nearly kills you, and yet he feels the right to yell? proves right there that he knew he was in the wrong. people who are automatically defensive=knowingly wrong. i would have taken his license plate number and reported him to the police, or at least found his car later and egged id :)

    communication…that i suck at. got nothing on that front. i’m the queen of ill-communication. maybe things are clear, and the people around you just aren’t getting it?

    it’s the middle of winter, it’s february (ewww valentines day)…the days are starting to have more light…but the days are still predominately cloudy. people are always a little snippy this time of year.

    sometimes things are dissonant. just how life goes.

    Comment by da buttah — February 15, 2006 @ 9:54 pm | Reply

  2. elle: shut up, i’m trying to make myself feel better *grin*

    i hope that isn’t true. i hope that we aren’t scary simply because we believe ourselves to have value. because we don’t feel that our thoughts are worth less. that would be tragic. i refuse to believe that there aren’t men out there looking for a challenge or a battle of wits or a brain candy mate.

    but then i cannot comprehend how someone could think my brain was like candy and not want to boink me. but i’m just like that. if your brain makes me hot that’s it. your body just gets hotter and hotter to me the more i like your brain.

    the dude in the car was so weird. i concluded later that he was just in denial about it and couldn’t face that he just about took someone’s legs off. cause i get defensive when i’m in the wrong too. hee care egging. i’ve never done that, is t fun?

    i seem to suck at communicating too. it’s all good :) let’s do it together.

    yeah AND i had massive pms yesterday to go along with the weather.

    dissonant… love that word

    Comment by sassinak — February 15, 2006 @ 10:19 pm | Reply

  3. I am 5’6″ y’all…and things are not better from down here.

    And SHITE! Can I tell you, Sass that you need to be be … I don’t know…like THE OFFICIAL letter writer to the universe. Cause that was the shit! I was fucking laughing but at the same time jumping around, raising my hand yelling “Me too…me too.” And I think that most people were probably doing the same… cause damn! sometimes this universe of ours doesn’t seem to understand the concept of sharing the love and the shit equally. Why do some get all the good stuff and then some get all the shit. But alas, I then remember we don’t ever know what someone else is going through and that some people I had assumed were ones who the universe favoured were just really good at hiding their pain. Wow…this is just a verbose way of saying that Karma will sort this shit out and you will get your share of blessings…well, because you have them coming your way. And I do now that you know you are blessed already and that we all complain here on bloggy land cause it’s a good place to vent…but I still think you have more good stuff coming your way.

    Damn I can’t stop typing….

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — February 15, 2006 @ 11:24 pm | Reply

  4. Hey Sass,

    Totally hearing you on the last bit about trying to communicate from a different level of awareness. I have learned, through bitter experience, that there is no easier way to annoy and alienate someone than try and force them up to your level. Also through bitter experience, it’s becoming more and more obvious that I must default to the lowest common denominator and most of the time I must stay there if I wish to communicate effectively.

    This is a long way of saying, your old physio is right, and so are you. Having no expectations is the only thing that works for me, but even as I do it my heart cries out at the injustice of being so out of phase with so many people.

    But, we hear you. We really do!
    Take care,
    Joanna

    Comment by jo_jo — February 15, 2006 @ 11:48 pm | Reply

  5. nat: see you and elle? NOT HELPING! i was having fun blaming my height :)

    i get to be the official letter writer? holy shit are you sure? i was worried that i might be pissing it off a little or something. you know like shaking my fist and stuff.

    i love your response to my posts you know. i always want someone to be going ‘oh my god yes!’ and that it’s someone as cool as you makes it even better. the universe has not failed to improve my life when it kicks me it’s just really hard.

    i am fully blessed and i know it. i also get nasty emotional pms bullshit and it’s worse in the winter and sometimes i feel like the universe kicks me just for fun … like yesterday was worst pms day and i got three spare kicks for nothing. why does the universe pick pms day? why?

    but yeah… karma rocks and blogs are good for whining at :)

    type on type on!

    jo: oh man you’re totally right. sometimes i’ll make some crazy meta observation and then spend forever trying to explain it to someone and eventually realise that i’ve only pissed them off.

    i try not to expect things from people but sometimes it bites me in the ass and i find myself doing it anyway. i just keep finding that i’m expecting awareness that just isn’t there. and i don’t understand where mine came from.

    oh i wish i could make sense with more people. my pool is so small. thank god for the blogverse!

    thanks jo!
    :)

    Comment by sassinak — February 16, 2006 @ 12:39 am | Reply

  6. I am a kung-fu Master at the ancient art of “saying wrong thing to really great girl”.
    To actually become a Master at it you have to be capable of making it worse every time you open your mouth.

    Having said that, all four of you are hotties, with more brainpower and other great things to offer than most women. Try to keep in mind that we are all children in grown-up bodies trying to make it in the grown-up world. Everybody faces similar challenges.

    Part of getting through life is blowing it, blowing it, blowing it again, and again. Eventually you start to figure out that blowing it is actually part of the process and that the act of picking ourselves up is what makes us bigger people.

    And then when you find the right job, the right person, you are a big enough person to handle it/them.

    OK once again I’ve babbled.

    Comment by Earthworm — February 16, 2006 @ 7:04 am | Reply

  7. dissonant..awesome word.

    cacaphony? just fuckin sweet ass!

    the dude in the car may be a tourist (and by tourist, i mean he’s visiting from nyc, where people are worth 10pts, and you want to get as many points as possible each drive)

    i’m the same way. if you make me laugh, keep me intrigued, and challenge me to do more than twirl my hair and flatter your useless ego…i like you. regardless of how you look (initial attraction must be there..i am human here people)….but…well..perhaps that’s just not the story for most people. okay, well obviously it isn’t.

    jackasses! keepin me from getting my swerve on. grrrr :)

    Comment by da buttah — February 16, 2006 @ 9:29 am | Reply

  8. When I had a car (and this is why I don’t anymore), I could be positive beyond a doubt that as soon as I was at least $300 ahead of my game that the car would kindly deliver an excuse to spend it just 2 fucking days before the cash was in my hands. This water will bead to roll off in time. Cars are never an investment unless you never drive them. But you know that.

    It is chance that has brought you here. It is chance that will take you elsewhere. Wrong places wrong time? Maybe. I hate believing in a thing like chance but, as hard as I try to form my own destiny, I have no choice but to believe that at least 3/4 of everything is beyond my control and lies solely with the Universe’s hand full of dice. I’m sure there have been countless men who’d like to collect you like a possesion. More importantly, there have been many better men that you were into. There have also been men who were totally into you for who you are. The hard part for you, Sass, is that the last two in no way mean that feelings were reciprocated. I know you fully grok all this as well. I guess I’m just saying is all. I don’t think 80 year old Sass would have you settle and compromise the ways in which you are most beautiful.

    Very well written post.

    Comment by green_hedonist — February 16, 2006 @ 10:38 am | Reply

  9. Sass – the universe is wretched funny that way. It’s all here you go, too slow. At least it seems that way, but I’m thinking it may be a beginning of the year thing where it all piles on so by November you feel you’re really accomplished something.

    Oh and before you asked me why I have to breathe so much – becuase I don’t really breathe well. I have to make an effort to make sure I’m actually taking deep, healing, good for me breaths or I’m more like hyperventilating. That and I’m like super hard on and mean to myself, so with all that self beating up I don’t give myself a lot of breathing room. See it makes sense I think.

    It will all roll in, they say it comes in threes – the universal hurdles, and you’re get over them or around them and then it’ll be good for a while. That’s the cycle of it all.

    Comment by Amber — February 16, 2006 @ 11:40 am | Reply

  10. earthworm: we’re all masters of that. the more we like someone the less likely we are to make sense when we speak and the more likely we are to babble inanely.

    it’s the universe’s way of messing with us or keeping us honest or something.

    yay we’re hotties!

    actually i totally agree with the blowing it bit… babble on!

    elle: cacophany? crap now i have to go look up the spelling. we’re both wrong it’s cacophony… :)

    damm i’m a nerd.

    okay, the dude in the car is from toronto but is clearly a very cranky human who had the misfortune of trying to hit me when i was having a terrible day AND massive emotional bullshit caused by menstruation hormones. he’s a sucker for sure.

    that’s it exactly. i have to find you vaguely attractive but after that if you can get my brain into you? if it feels like brain candy to talk/banter/flirt/debate with you? i’m gone. dude most people eat with their eyes whether they admit it or not.

    what’s hard is when they say they don’t eat with their eyes, treat your brain like it’s candy and still aren’t hot for you. you can’t make it make sense :)

    Comment by sassinak — February 16, 2006 @ 1:21 pm | Reply

  11. hubris: absolutely. and still i need it for work until i can afford my own studio. got to like the total catch-22 of that one huh?

    i have to believe in chance and luck because they’ve brought me to this place in my life. that said i don’t particularly feel that my luck is good.

    lots of men have wanted to own me. most of them are years away from me, miles away from me or unwilling to put up when put up or shut up time came. sometimes i just wasn’t into them that way.

    yeah i’ve been into some great men… not a one was into me. joy. i can only think of two man who were actually totally into my brain and i met both when they were married and though one has since divorced i can’t make them move out of the brotherly love category now.

    and yeah, it’s nearly never a two way street… and no, she wouldn’t. that’s what makes it so hard.

    amber: the universe is mean sometimes… and sometimes it’s not. but for me it’s more ‘look what i made, see how it fits you perfectly? HAH! not for you!’

    i feel like i accomplish a lot every year, i just sort of feel like i’m standing still at teh same time. strange place to be.

    oh nice with the breath. try thinking of inhaling into the place where your bra strap meets your spine and then exhaling with a big sigh (like if you’re trying to reason with a twelve year old) [inhale with your nose and exhale with your mouth[

    and yeah dude the whole tension thing really affects breath.

    oh fuck in threes? what the hell is next?

    Comment by sassinak — February 16, 2006 @ 1:25 pm | Reply

  12. Oh how I wish you would have broken his nose. Right out on the street. I had a guy blatently pull out in front of me a while back. I had to hit my breaks and go sideways to not get in an accident. Then while we were both stopped he began waving his arms about and yelling from inside his car.

    I stepped out of my vehicle, for I could not make out what he was saying. I guess he decided that it wasn’t that important after all and he speed off just as my second foot touched the ground.

    People that get angry at you when they are clearly in the wrong just suck.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — February 16, 2006 @ 3:38 pm | Reply

  13. lsd: but isn’t that when people are most likely to get mad?

    i hate getting busted fucking up and i get defensive… i also tend to catch myself but as i’ve mentioned my level of self awareness is sick. and also i only TEND to catch myself.

    i did sort of wish i keyed his car

    Comment by sassinak — February 16, 2006 @ 4:48 pm | Reply

  14. It’s Toronto. There are freaks here.
    I choose to be one of the normal ones and let the crazy ones get extra super duper pissed off when I ignore them and walk away.

    No, I’m not holier than anythou, I’m just scared of getting beat up.

    Unlike one of my frat brothers, Martin, who studied jeet koon do or something that sounds like that. Driving with him was an experience…he was the nicest guy in the world, he’d do anything for you. And he could play the bagpipes so sweetly… But when it involved cars he was different. I can’t count how many times I saw him get out of his car and beat another driver to a pulp.

    The point being that people are different when they are behind the wheel, they can turn into assclowns from hell. Don’t let the assclown get you down Sass.

    Comment by Earthworm — February 16, 2006 @ 5:11 pm | Reply

  15. Canadian Rage. Its just so polite.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — February 16, 2006 @ 6:05 pm | Reply

  16. OK. That does it. I’m fed up.

    I’m putting in a personal call to the universe to ask it/him/her what the hell its/his/her problem is!!

    *dialing*

    *listening to the options*

    To speak to the Universe personally, press 935 … now

    Finally!! 9-3-5 … *beep*

    Hi! I’m not in right now; I’m in Canada fucking with a hot climber chick. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you shortly!

    *beep*

    mutha fucka!

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Hope things are looking up since the post! *smooches*

    Comment by DZER — February 16, 2006 @ 6:18 pm | Reply

  17. Well it looks like I’m going to get to see what your blog looks like on a weekend. I’m staying in Toronto this weekend Yay!!!!!

    Comment by Earthworm — February 16, 2006 @ 9:24 pm | Reply

  18. earthworm: but aren’t we all the crazy ones? doesn’t it really just depend on your perspective?

    okay seriously he got out of his car and beat people up? uh wow.

    lsd: we’re funny that way. even when we want to kill you we’ll be nice about it.

    dzer: i *heart* you so much right now!

    earthworm: my blog looks like uh… this?

    Comment by sassinak — February 16, 2006 @ 11:56 pm | Reply

  19. How come I never get to hump on hump day?

    Comment by R. U. Serious — February 17, 2006 @ 12:49 am | Reply

  20. Happy hump day, Sassi!!!

    Stupid car!!!1

    (mental hugs)

    Comment by Matt Vella — February 17, 2006 @ 1:19 am | Reply

  21. Yes Sass, it was horrble to watch him. This guy had his martial art so fine-tuned, I remember play-fighting with him and it felt like I had a wall of fists and feet hitting me all at once. He really was the nicest, nicest guy, but once he got his head into whatever zone he got it into when he was driving, he turned evil.

    As for us all being the crazy ones, well I guess. I think of my sister, who has been driving for maybe 3 years. She started out so meek and polite, would let everyone in in front of her. Which was a pain in the ass in the city, really. Took forever to get anyplace. Now she swears at anyone who moves into “her” lane.

    Right now I’m picturing Cathy Bates telling Adam Sandler “cars are the devil Bobby Boucher!”

    Well it’s Friday and Sass your bad week is just about over!

    Soon it’ll be President’s Day and all will be forgotten with the joy of that holiday!

    C’mon smile! 1 month til St Paddy’s Day!

    OK I’m really reaching here.

    Oh wait here’s one. How long can PMS last? See? At last a ray of sunshine!

    Comment by Earthworm — February 17, 2006 @ 7:30 am | Reply

  22. I feel like keying people’s cars often. But I am tryig my best to be Zen about stuff. But it’s hard to be all righteous and ethical when a fucking imbecile that owns a hummer decides to park in the compact cars area and takes up two spaces. Hmmmm… to key or not to key…that’s the question.

    Honestly i have never keyed anyone’s car. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever damaged anyone’s property in anger. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t briefly cross my mind.

    Tee hee.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — February 17, 2006 @ 8:46 am | Reply

  23. rus: least someone uses you as a booty call? okay i know that isn’t satisfying :)

    matt: i love the stupid car… and it’s pretty much rebuilt now so *shrug* we shall see.

    happy friday yourself!

    ew: that’s really odd, most professional level fighters that i know won’t playfight with people that aren’t also at their level. i know that because of what happened when my dad tried to playbox with my mom…

    but i don’t mean just drivers. i mean that everyone is the crazy one sometimes. i know i am and i’m sure that most of my friends are on occasion…

    oh man i can’t wait for saturday. my weekend is shaping up nicely and i get to sleep until ten tomorrow! and 11 sunday and 11 monday! god that sounds like bliss…

    the pms was gone late wednesday, the cramp induced misery ended today. nice thing about teh crampy part is that that at least you can explain to your brain.

    nat: i hate hummers. there is no excuse for them unless you’re a professional wilderness guide. and even then not much.

    they’re terrible for the places they go.

    i have never keyed a car either but i’ve written ass in the dust on the sides of cars before…

    it certainly crosses my mind too though!

    Comment by sassinak — February 17, 2006 @ 11:24 am | Reply

  24. Hello Sass

    Personally, I’m in the school of thought that the universe is completely irrational and meaningless. The search for order and/or understanding in something that is inherently disorderly and unable to be understood will only bring you into further conflict and confusion with said universe. It’s like trying to figure out love using mathematics or employing the scientific method to determine how one creates beautiful works of art. Despite our longing to “know,” the only knowledge we can truly know is to know that we know nothing. All we can do is accept our situation and grow from it. For every thesis there is an antithesis to bring it balance, be it good or bad. The good news is that there is always a synthesis as a result of each of these conflicts, and this synthesis can be controlled and used to your advantage. Our individual lives are measured by each of the syntheses that we bring about. It is not the conflicts in our life that define us, but how we resolve them. Right now you are facing multiple antitheses to the theses that make up the comfortable existence that you know. Use these opportunities to redefine your existence to your advantage. What will your syntheses be? You decide. The universe doesn’t care enough to do it for you.

    As far as self awareness goes, you may expect too much. It seems to me that most people desperately lack awareness of others, much less themselves (for example, your angry driver that almost hit you). Not all is lost, though. There are many others out there besides yourself who possess a strong self-awareness. For example, I myself am perfectly aware that I come off as a pretentious jerk when I spout off amateur philosophy on other people’s blogs… ;-)

    Comment by john — February 17, 2006 @ 11:52 am | Reply

  25. hey john and welcome

    i tend to believe that you’re right but at the same time i notice that the things i think are curses often turn out to be blessings and vice versa. so then i wonder a little at the chaotic nature of the universe and then i start to wonder if there’s a plan.

    i’ve basically decided that we are presented with choices every day and the course of our life while filled with infinite possibilities is determined by those choices. anything we want is available to us if we make the right choices and what we need nearly always arrives.

    i definetely don’t think that i get to understand the plan if there is one though. because i do think it’s about as ridiculous as trying to explain music with math. sure there is math in music but that isn’t the artistry of it. (shut up i know about ravel and bolero)

    and i agree entirely. it is not the things life throws at us that make us but our reaction to them. because how you face something determines both the outcome and your feelings toward it. that doesn’t make being positive any easier but does make it easier to try for positivity.

    all the universe will do is present you with choices, what you do with them is up to you.

    ‘people desperately lack awareness of others, much less themselves’

    Comment by sassinak — February 17, 2006 @ 1:33 pm | Reply

  26. I don’t even have a booty call person anymore. Can’t deal with certain things, and 2 in a row really went too far.

    Comment by R. U. Serious — February 17, 2006 @ 7:55 pm | Reply


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