snapshots of an idle mind

February 23, 2006

early birds

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 4:02 pm


s’funny, i always have so much to say when i’m sitting on the couch but then somehow when i sit down in front of the computer i got nothin’

it’s been a really weird week for me. strange things have been happening to people around and with me. all of my clients are feeling disconnected from their bodies which is making me wonder if it’s the weather, if there’s some weird energetic shift or if it’s me.

is it possible that my own personal disconnect is rubbing off on my clients?

i mean i know that i’m distracted and concerned and have frankly other things to worry about than their bodies but it seems weird that i could project that feeling onto them. i know i haven’t been getting enough sleep either because i keep staying up too late with my neighbour… i don’t mind hanging out with him or anything but nonetheless he always stays about a half hour later than i mean him to and it’s totally messing with my sleep schedule.

regardless, i do that every week, this week is not special because i’m sleep deprived. if it were i would be distracted and disconnected every DAY and i wouldn’t have any clients left.

the thing is that i feel like i’m with it when i’m working with them. (okay other than the last one yesterday night) i feel like i’m focused and paying attention. and yet they’re all disconnected. doesn’t that sort of have to be coming from me?

i’m hoping it’s the weather or an energetic shift because a lot of the people that i know are having really strange weeks and they aren’t my clients. so i’m adopting a bit of a wait and see attitude.

oh man i have a client crush. i’ve coined the term to describe clients that i think are adorable or hot or highly crush worthy. the ones where i have to actually stick a wall between teacher sass and girl sass.

the ones where i sometimes wonder if i really needed to stick my hands on their abs. okay that’s a lie, i’ve never wondered that because i do not touch my clients inappropriately because well that would be so gross. so gross that just thinking about it makes me feel squicky.

anyway i have a client crush on this guy and he keeps doing things that are not helping. he walks in yesterday and he sorta looks through his eyelashes at me (we’re almost the same height so we can both do this at each other [elle he’s a smidge taller, cause i know you want to know]) and he goes “i haven’t done any of my homework this week… …you can chastise me if you want” and it was SO CUTE! i can’t even tell you. so i’m thinking to myself ‘damm you i already think you’re adorable, this is NOT HELPING!!!’

it helps less that he can’t sink his abs properly so i’m constantly touching them, his butt or his low back. and he’s ripped yo.

so my hands are happy to be touching him and i’m like sitting in the back of my head running colour commentary while the front of my head is teaching this guy pilates in an uber professional manner. it’s the strangest headspace to be in and i’m not even sure i can explain it.

please don’t tell me to ask him out, that would not be okay unless i were prepared to sever our professional relationship and i am not prepared to do that AND he isn’t ready to not have me teaching him. this will in no way impact my continued appreciation for his deliciousness though.

cause yeah, so delicious and nice too.

anyway i’ve had clients be interested in me before and i’ve had to sort of ease away from some of them or start discussing dating dilemmas or something to give them the idea that this was never going to happen without making them feel bad about it but this. this isn’t the same because i’m the one who’s interested.

it’s kind of cool though because i’m just interested enough to have to learn to deal with the client crush but not so interested that i’m irrational. it’s a nice place to be when learning this kind of new skill.

and what a strange and wonderful skill to have to learn!

i have this strange sort of ennui this week. all that i really want to do is curl up on my couch with archived television shows (i think i get to watch the survivor premiere soon!) and my bowl and just smoke myself comatose for days on end.

i don’t think that i ever realised just how emotionally and physically demanding my job was until quite recently. this makes sense, i didn’t start really teaching full time until november and what with christmas and learning curves and other sorts of breaks the full brunt of this has only hit me recently.

don’t take this to mean that i don’t love my job because i love it very much.

it’s that i’m really starting to learn just how hard it actually is.
just how much physical labour is involved.
just how hard it really is learning to move the way they move so i can figure out what they’ve done to themselves.
just how exhausting constant demonstrating can be.
just what level of emotional impact having broken people cycle through my life all day actually has.
just how thin my own emotional health can be.
just how easy it is to let their pain become my pain.
just how much of an empath i really am.
just how much THINKING is involved in putting a body back together.
just how much anatomy nerddom i still need to acquire.

but the other thing that’s really hitting home is just how wonderful this life really can be.

sure it’s a steep learning curve and it’s hard as hell and i’m exhausted all the time but nothing in the world is better than someone telling me they can walk or dance again when they had lost all hope that such a thing might be possible.

i can’t really put into words just how amazing that is. how seeing someone’s eyes light up as they ‘get it’ satisfies a little place in my soul that i didn’t even realise i had. how seeing someone’s posture or bearing or movement change just makes me so sure that i’m doing the right thing.

it’s so hard and i struggle every day with the idea that i really am good enough to teach these people. that i really am allowed to do this. that i’m not some kid trying to pretend she knows what she’s doing. that in a world with teachers like the goddess in it that i’m even allowed to SAY i teach pilates and movement.

and yet still. the most rewarding thing ever.

no really, ever.

who ever knew one could love a job enough that i smile every wednesday at 6:30 AM!!! when i see my lovely client at the door of the studio. smiling at 6:30am. who that’s met me would EVER have believed it.



  1. *does the happy first comment dance*

    what if he initiates?! what if he initiates, and if he takes out of the strictly professional and into the awesomely physical….more power to it, right?!

    and yes, i do care how tall he is, and a scmidggen is good enough ;)

    now if only i could find that lust you have for your job…in my studies. it was there, but it’s faded…and i have no idea how to get it back.

    Comment by da buttah — February 23, 2006 @ 5:24 pm | Reply

  2. yeah it’s funny how excited bloggers get to be first :)

    i feel that way too :)

    oh yeah elle if he initiates all bets are off. but i don’t think i could ever do it except maybe like 6 months or a year after i stopped seeing him as a client. otherwise it’s oogly somehow.

    just a smidge taller so his shoulders/hips are just a bit bigger… well his hips are probably the same size as mine. it’s actually my favourite size in a man. just the same as me or a tiny bit bigger everywhere.

    i remember when i started reading your blog you had that lust still and i’ve been watching it fade and i think it’s a couple of things.

    your social life is not feeding you the way you need it to so it sucks energy from school (which you love so that sucks) AND there’s that whole sophomore slump bullshit combined with february.

    i think you’ll find it again, just have to muddle through until then. i wish i could come to your town and wave a magic wand and find you a nice circle to hang with. one less uh… soap operaesque?

    Comment by sassinak — February 23, 2006 @ 6:33 pm | Reply

  3. Ahh I love crushes! They are wonderful! Who cares if noone initiates anything cause sometimes all the fun is in having those weird little butterflies, ear to ear grins and multiple mind spaces. I am such an undercover romantic (shh** don’t let it out) Any-who I love having a crush it makes you feel like a kid again and you get that glowy happy feeling even if you know it will never go anywhere. :) So congrats Sass on your crush! Woot!

    Comment by Viktoryia — February 23, 2006 @ 9:29 pm | Reply

  4. crushes ARE fun. almost more fun when you know you can’t act on them…because they just stay in that playful, fun place…where nothing gets awkward and no one gets hurt.

    it sounds like maybe he has a little teacher crush too..

    and i’ve always been amazed at how hard you pilates teachers work. the physical, the mental, the emotional. and people in pain? not always so much fun. there were people i wanted to slug, and i was just a fellow client!! so my hat’s off to you.

    and hey, thanks for the link! i just noticed that. wow!

    Comment by terry — February 23, 2006 @ 11:15 pm | Reply

  5. viktoryia: great spelling of your name by the way!

    oh crushes are delicious until you start to take them seriously and then it’s a problem. well even then it’s not a problem until they notice and start messing with you *g*

    oh man i have been doing the ridiculous grin thingy, those are so much fun. i totally get that it’s just a distraction until someone comes along but since that doesn’t seem like it’s happening i guess i’ll just enjoy the distraction :)

    i hadn’t thought of it as something to congratulate me for but i totally see your point so thanks :)

    terry: it’s true, the non awkward, non lying, non hurting fun flirty place. i don’t know if it ever can stay there in reality though. feelings evolve by their very nature.

    why do you think he has a teacher crush?

    oh man terry you can’t believe how hard this shit is. people have made fun of me because i work less than 30 hours a week but they don’t get that my work hours are sixty minutes of work per hour of pay. plus a little more work on the side.

    oh man you have to tell me the people slugging stories! i must hear them!

    you’re welcome :)

    Comment by sassinak — February 24, 2006 @ 12:53 am | Reply

  6. his comment about how you could chastise him just sounds a tad… flirtatious.

    god, the people i wanted to slug were always whining about every… little… pain. and i understand chronic pain; i have it myself. but it just seems counterproductive to talk about it constantly. i understand the need to vent… but JESUS. get a therapist!
    i was always amazed by how patient all the instructors were. with ALL of us.

    Comment by terry — February 24, 2006 @ 12:17 pm | Reply

  7. Thanks :)

    Ahh I used to hate the smelly yoga people! That was my pet peev! They come into class already smelling just plain wrong like they don’t own soap or something. Okay i’ll give you a break if you were working out before yoga cuase I would often do that but when I watch you walk in from the front door and you decide the little plot next to me is just perfect for you; and you reek, that has no excuse!!! Add that on top of the heated room we are compacted in, ahhhh just shoot me!

    hmmm I miss yoga, I miss boxing too :( I turned into a lazy bum! My gym changed names and tried to charge $20 more a month for the sme shit so I droppped them and I have been saying for a year that I will find a new one but all the gyms in my town are a scam! oh well. Yeah for yoga teachers.

    I once had a teacher I called the nazi teacher cause she would push the hell out of you, we would transition REALLY quickly, but it was great it pushed me to be better. I want to try piliates sometime, think I would like it.

    So people give you hell for not working 30 hours a week?? (They are just jelous) *F* um! You are doing something you enjoy and are passionate about not many people can say that about their job, hence their jelousy! Be proud that you enjoy your job and just take their comments as their own frustration and jelousy… poop on them :)

    Comment by Viktoryia — February 24, 2006 @ 12:38 pm | Reply

  8. terry: yay for flirtatious :)

    i don’t trust my judgement about that anymore cause i’m always wrong.

    the thing is that when you’re super broken you can’t even figure out what pain matters and what doesn’t… and since the good teachers have all been broken themselves they tend to have more patience with it because they REMEMBER.


    and yeah some people trust me more than their therapists. trippy but true.

    vik: welcome :)

    oh man the people who are allergic to showering are always the ones who want the most attention too. i don’t really get it but it seems to correlate.

    i get that you don’t want to bathe but be considerate of everyone else. if you can smell your armpits so can they. and you know what? deodorant does NOT cover sweat, it makes it smell WORSE!

    mmm boxing, must try that.

    why don’t you see about two week trial memberships at all the gyms in town and pick that way?

    pilates is crack for your body and if you like yoga you’ll most likely like pilates. if you don’t? find a better teacher.

    but i do work about 35, they just don’t count all the driving and phoning and crap… silly people :)

    yay for poop!

    Comment by sassinak — February 24, 2006 @ 2:04 pm | Reply

  9. okay, i’m a terrible judge of when guys are flirting with ME… but i can usually detect it between other people.
    i’m just saying.

    and i can see how some people see their pilates goddesses and gods as therapists, since you’re helping fix them, physically… and that’s huge. but jeez. it was often completely distracting to listen to.

    Comment by terry — February 24, 2006 @ 2:35 pm | Reply

  10. sex

    Comment by Earthworm — February 24, 2006 @ 4:46 pm | Reply

  11. Good for you for staying prof. Sass, but yeah, keep an eye out for that move. :)

    Comment by Matt Vella — February 24, 2006 @ 5:12 pm | Reply

  12. terry: yeah me too actually. but even then i’m not convinced i have any skills anymore.

    oh you were in group classes when people were doing that? that’s shitty and as the teacher i can tell you it’s hard as hell to control but so distracting.

    earthworm: um what?

    matt: dude i have to stay professional … to do otherwise would be totally gross.

    but i don’t think he’s going to make a move and i don’t even know if i want him to. it is a useful learning experience though. besides, if a client is going to make a move he’s going to have to anvil me with it or i’m ignoring it.

    besides i’m always wrong when i believe subtleties anyway

    Comment by sassinak — February 24, 2006 @ 6:43 pm | Reply

  13. I decided that since I’m a guy and sex is what I think about 90% of the time, I should be honest and comment about what was on my mind.

    Comment by Earthworm — February 24, 2006 @ 7:05 pm | Reply

  14. well
    i think that’s pretty cool actually

    a little elaboration wouldn’t hurt :)

    Comment by sassinak — February 24, 2006 @ 9:21 pm | Reply

  15. You know how you were talking about how hard your job is? I can’t imagine being happy in one that you found easy! Maybe I got you all wrong, but like you said, how many people are smiling at that ungodly hour of the morning because it’s work? Hope your weekend is smoky and fun…

    Comment by debambam — February 24, 2006 @ 9:52 pm | Reply

  16. deb: my job is brutally hard but in some strange way it comes naturally to me. it’s hard because i care so much and yet it comes easily. i suspect a lot like a good mom.

    and you’re right, when my job is easy i’m bored and that’s the end of that :)

    it’s sick how happy i am at 6:30am… course i also know that i get to go home and have a nap…

    mmm smoky, good plan says the girl who’s at a family home

    Comment by sassinak — February 24, 2006 @ 10:03 pm | Reply

  17. I am having a weird week too. I have not been feeling well. I have another doc’s appointment. I guess these things come in threes. When it rains, it fucking monzoons…and I am in the midst of it now. I am feeling not just disconnected from my body but antagonized by it…which is not a good thing. I think it has to do with being tired and stressed… have not been sleeping well and and and…sorry this has turned into a moaning session (and not the good kind).

    Back to you…yaay for the crush even if it’s a bit weird getting in the way of your thoughts when you are teaching him. Hehehe, I bet your hands are thinking they want to do other things…not just guide the pilates movement :)

    Oh man I wish I had someone showing me how to do pilates… *sigh*… maybe once I am all settled in and my new schedule in in place I will be albe to take classes.

    And shit yeah your fucking job is demanding. You are not just physically but mentally and emotionally involved. It can be draining even if you love it.

    Vegging out for a whole weekend sounds fantabulous. :)


    Comment by Natalia — February 24, 2006 @ 10:13 pm | Reply

  18. Ohhhhh Sass…. yOU ARE sOOOO asking the wrong person to elaborate. But OK here goes, don’t get the wrong impression, not talking about anyone in particular, just “elaborating”:

    OK the bonus question.

    I will assume we are talking about the first time, though it will be different in some ways than other times will be.

    The first time I insist there be no alcohol, because it’s important that if you says yes it’s not because of impaired judgement. (I hardly ever drink anyway)

    How will the first time come about? Well normally I will say that we will snuggle a few nights, get used to being warm together on the couch, with arms and hugs and kisses before we reached that point. And there will be plenty of time for that. Years and years and years of snuggling together.

    But in our case, I have gone 6 months, though I could have several times if I’d been willing to do it outside of a relationship. In your case it has been less time, but you have reached the point of needing it even more urgently than me. I could tell by what you said and how you said it, that you
    absolutely need it and you need it now.

    So factoring that in, I’d say the first time we will snuggle on the couch, you getting used to having my arms around you, and me getting used to the feel of the small of your back pressed up against me. We might have a movie on, but neither of us will really be paying much attention to anything but how it feels to be in each others’ arms. kissing, sharing our saliva for the first time, rubbing noses and exchanging giggles.

    It won’t take more than an hour or so before my hands started to do their slow roaming around your body, cupping and squeezing your breasts. My fingers brushing along your lips, across your cheeks. My fingers through your blonde hair. Getting to know the feel of every part of you..

    Then, my hand will begin to move slowly downwards, except this time, instead of stopping at your panty line, it will slip inside and slowly downwards until it could feel the heat from your vagina. My other arm still around you, I will feel your body straighten and then I will know that I have your full and complete attention. You will be mine.

    Reaching downwards, I will touch your wetness, then use it as a guide to find your clitoris. Once I have that located, it will be a matter of just gently rubbing, then running finger back down across the opening of your vagina through the wetness, then back up slowly to your clitoris again. Continuing to rub your clitoris, I will look into your unseeing eyes, watch the beautiful contortions of your face and body.

    This is something I will continue on with for 10 -15 minutes, using my finger to bring the wetness from your vagina up to your clitoris, and softly massaging the pleasure into you. The as I draw my finger slowly across the mouth of your vagina, I will suddenly insert a finger and push it deep, touching and giving your g-spot a short rub while pulling my finger back out.

    At that point I will have to get up and pick you up, carry you into my bedroom and lay you on the bed. There I will lie with you in our clothes, our hips writhing and pushing hard against each other. My hands grabbing your bum to pull your hips closer. We will be kissing, and holding each other more and more desperately, Finally I will reach down and release the button on your jeans.moving towards the end of the bed I will slide your jeans off your hips, then with a great pull I will deposit them on the floor. I will remove my jeans, and there we will lie together, in our underwear (I wear loose cotton boxers).

    And then I will for the first time climb onto you, begin kissing you, my hands holding yours. From that vantage point I will begin rubbing against you, the only thing keeping It away from finding It’s way inside will the thin cotton underwear. Grinding.

    Then at that point, we will both be completely frustrated and wanting each other so badly that we can only squirm, the animalistic parts of our brains taking control of our higher brain functions. Once again I will climb off of you, move down and pull your panties off of your hips. Also I will remove my underwear, revealing my hard erect penis to you for the first time. It will be standing hard and straight, It will want you, and the cold air will only remind it that it needs to be warm again. At that point I will remove your shire, unbutton your bra, and commence sucking on your tits. You will b e squirming, your hands on my back, desperately attempting to pull my whole body upwards so our faces were inline. I will resist, you will harder, and finally I will move upwards and kiss your lips. At this point of course my cock will be virtually touching your vagina, but I will hold it there, allow the desperation to well up inside of both of us. Then slowly I will move slightly forward, so my cock is just gently touching your labia, hold there again for a few seconds and watch your face contort and your breathing change. Then again, I will slowly move myself into you slightly so that just the head of my cock has barely spread you open.

    Me, leaning over you, both of us frantic and hopeless, Then I will lean down, kiss your lips, move my mouth closer to your ear, whisper the words “I love you so much ” into your ear, and then take hold of your shoulders, and thrust myself inside you. Deep deep, My cock long, hard, wide, spreading you apart inside for all of its length. I will continue to hold your shoulders as I started to fuck, fuck you, your pussy muscles both making way and grabbing ahold of my cock at the same time, while it disregards completely, having it’s own agenda to continue thrusting deep deeper into you.

    Then I will hear your voice, your breathing change. And suddenly neither you nor I will have control of our bodies anymore, as ancient instincts take hold and then your voice will be cut short and you will start to cum, my cock throbbing so hard inside of you, and then suddenly I will be joining you, your vaginal muscles holding, squeezing my cock while it lost control of itself in feverishly powerful thrusts inside of you… And then it will go….all of it…While you were screaming beneath me my cock will be throbbing all of my cum into you. We’d be locked in an embrace we couldn’t unlock even if we wanted.

    And then it will subside. We will remain locked in each other’s arms fore 1, 2, 3 minutes, and then release.

    Comment by Earthworm — February 24, 2006 @ 10:28 pm | Reply

  19. wasn’t writing it to sass or anyone just was writing

    Comment by Earthworm — February 24, 2006 @ 10:37 pm | Reply

  20. Mike!!!!


    sass isn’t blonde

    chicks hate being picked up by guys they aren’t with for an exteded period of time

    and uhhhhh dude? leave the porn style out of the comments man. EW! overshare!

    otherwise..i can dig it ;)

    Comment by da buttah — February 24, 2006 @ 10:38 pm | Reply

  21. my last comment was intended as a reply to Elle, though somehow it seems to have gotten placed above her comment so it’s confusing

    Comment by Earthworm — February 24, 2006 @ 10:39 pm | Reply

  22. nat: it’s weird, the majority of folks that i know are having a weird week. i think it’s sorta full moonish as well but i am on dialup and can’t verify and i think it was a couple of days ago. (looks out windows… sees darkness and decides she doesn’t care) anyway if it was on the 21st or 22nd like i think it was then that explains a lot right?

    nat i like to think of my blog as the perfect pub. a place you can come in your pjs to rant about your day and know that someone will hug you and someone else will say something funny. so please, if you need to rant? be welcome and rant on.

    it’s freaking weird nat. my hands want to feel him up! i feel rude and weird and dirty old mannish!

    weird thing? i’m totally teaching him uber professionally and it’s easy.

    new schedule?

    it’s amazing how much i love to teach pilates. i feel moved just typing that. i’m so lucky to have found a thing i love AND a thing to stay healthy and to have them be the same thing.

    it’s nice that some people get that my job isn’t just glamourous and easy … that it’s hard and demanding and really brutal some days. still worth loving of course!

    mmmmmmmm vegetable :)

    earthworm: i actually meant it would be nice if your earlier comment had been a bit more clear. had a touch more info. i didn’t mean i wanted um… descriptive passages.

    although i agree about the no booze.

    in my case it’s been LESS time? so the three year anniversary in may counts as LESS than six months? that must be the new math i’ve heard so much about. it doesn’t make me any less restrained though.

    elle: i’m glad someone knows i’m not blonde :)

    earthworm: thanks for clarifying. you wrote an excellent generic monograph except you coloured her hair… until then it applied to anyone.

    Comment by sassinak — February 24, 2006 @ 11:26 pm | Reply

  23. (suddenly feeling way off topic…)

    it wasn’t a group class. it was a studio-type of situation, in a rehab setting at a hospital center for sports medicine. some clients were getting one-on-one teaching, some two-on-one, and others were “independents,” meaning we’d been there long enough to know our own program and do our own thing, but could always ask for help and new exercises when needed.
    so when the whining started, it was sometimes hard for me to tune it out and focus on what i needed to do for ME. partly because i kept wondering what the instructors were thinking…!

    Comment by terry — February 24, 2006 @ 11:55 pm | Reply

  24. terry: okay i even know what centre it was cause i’ve read your teacher’s bio :)

    i would love to work in a place like that in a way that i can’t even put into words. it’s where my gift is but having a centre to teach in and other teachers to learn with and from. man i sort of flutter in my heart just thinking about it.

    it is hard to concentrate when there’s a conversation right there. i’ve felt it myself. then i forget to breathe and suddenly footwork is just leg presses :)

    Comment by sassinak — February 25, 2006 @ 12:10 am | Reply

  25. the only thing about that place is the amount of paperwork the instructors have to deal with. they spend as much time documenting everything that happens — to make the insurance companies and corporate higher-ups happy — as they do teaching.

    and, of course, they’re not paid what they’re worth.

    Comment by terry — February 25, 2006 @ 12:52 am | Reply

  26. Oh yeah…new schedule. I will be picking up some classes possibly somewhere else. Extra income and expanding my repertoire, so to speak :) Don’t know quite when… but soonish.

    But getting myself to the gym on premises is a priority. My body and I need to get on good terms.


    Comment by Natalia — February 25, 2006 @ 1:04 am | Reply

  27. terry: well that would be shitty. worth it for a while for the learning but ultimately not fruitful in the long run and would require moving on.

    too bad. you’d want the older teachers there.

    i don’t document enough is my problem.

    nat: oh cool what will you be teaching?

    that’s cool with the extra bills from the condo and all. nice way to make it a bit easier. you stoked?

    yeah being friends with your body is key :)

    Comment by sassinak — February 25, 2006 @ 1:08 am | Reply

  28. how can you sit down with nothin’ and end up with so mucho much? LOL

    I feel ya on the groovin’ on a person you can’t realize anything with … while I’ve never had that happen with a client, I remember feeling that way about some co-workers in the past, and that’s a major no-no, especially when you’re management and they’re not … LOL

    and I bet you rock the teacher thang … teach me sumptin’!! LOL

    Comment by DZER — February 25, 2006 @ 1:37 am | Reply

  29. dzer: i don’t know. i do know that there’s a pile of crap in my head these days so it’s not that hard to do.

    but yeah, i have no idea how i do it :)

    yeah it’s just like that. i have a trust relationship with these people and it would be beyond icky and unprofessional to break it. still tempting and yet never going to happen.

    heh. i try to rock the teacher thang but i can’t say. i am incapable of taking my own classes…

    but thanks!

    Comment by sassinak — February 25, 2006 @ 1:58 pm | Reply

  30. yah, i’m told that in the 15 months since i stopped going there, there’s been a complete turnover of instructors! it’s great experience, and great for the resume, they tell me… but it would be nice if it were also fruitful financially.

    Comment by terry — February 25, 2006 @ 3:59 pm | Reply

  31. terry: tragically such things rarely are. you take those jobs for the learning and consider it grad school or something.

    but it’s lame, just when they start getting good they leave to find the money.

    Comment by sassinak — February 25, 2006 @ 4:28 pm | Reply

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