snapshots of an idle mind

March 23, 2006

not nekkid thursday

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 5:04 pm

here we go again, another thursday and another post with no pictures of sass.

it’s becoming a thing with me this not posting pictures on thursdays. i’ll post them on monday or friday or tuesday with not a moment of wondering but not so much on the thursdays. it’s funny though because i love everyone else’s hnt posts whether it’s bubbles getting mostly naked or nat baring her soul.

in fact i find i learn an enormous amount about people based on their choices of photo for hnt. what’s important to them. what they like about themselves. what they don’t like about themselves… pretty much all sorts of things.

i’m a bit irked to find out that my urban anthropologist schtick is actually a pretty typical trait of the quirkyalone. don’t get me wrong it’s sort of neat to be defined but at the same time i hate being labelled even if it’s something cool.

okay you can label me hot. i like that one.

brilliant or awesome or cool work too. *giggling*

i don’t really mind being a quirkyalone but at the same time i’m so much more than any one word. in fact i suspect that’s a defining characteristic of them… that they resist labelling. perhaps i’m with that guy who said that he wouldn’t want to be in any club that would have him as a member (irony: woody allen is described as quirkycreepy *hee*)

so i called my friend, the one that isn’t calling me back, and i left him another voice mail. and of course? no answer as of yet. i think i’ll give it a couple of days and then leave him a work related message and if he doesn’t answer *that* i’ll leave him one that says ‘okay i guess you don’t want to be friends anymore, will you at least tell me why?’

the funny thing is that if we weren’t also colleagues he would get maybe two more ‘call me you ass’ types of messages and then i would just give up. the same way i give up when people drop four or more emails in a row. i mean eventually you just have to figure that if they want to speak with you they will contact you and otherwise?

may as well give up.

i guess that’s a cop out but i don’t know. i mean when i want to be friends with someone i make at least a token effort every now and then. or i tell them i’m screamingly busy and ask for their forgiveness or something.

like if i’m actually too busy to communicate i will simply call when i know they aren’t available and leave a message. two birds with one stone right? you communicated, you let them know you’re thinking about them and yet you kept your day in line. a five line email has much the same effect with about the same expenditure of effort.

i know that i shouldn’t project my own behaviour onto other people. i know that everyone is playing from a different book with different rules and yet still i persist in trying to understand why people do the things they do. why they are the way they are. what makes them so inconsiderate. why i am so ridiculously considerate.

i know too that i should not expect folks to be as ridiculously over the top self aware as i am (except, apparently, if they’re also quirkyalones) except that i do.

no matter how hard i try i just can’t seem to let it be when people are rude or inconsiderate or unavailable. to me it means something. if you can’t be bothered thinking about how i’ll feel then chances are good that you don’t give a shit about me.

take my ex tr. when we first got together he ever and always made sure that there was a glass of water beside the bed for me when we went to bed. cut to a year later when he gets one for himself and not me or asks me for help making food and then doesn’t make enough for me. silly me assumed that if i was involved in the cooking then i was automagically involved in the eating.

a year earlier he would never have done that. he would have said ‘hey you want some?’ or he would have just assumed that i did and made some for me too.

he used to do that sort of thing all the time. stop off for dinner on his way home and not bother to call me and let me know. so there i was waiting and waiting for him (and getting steadily hungrier) and there he was having sushi or whatever… and he never called to see if i wanted some or if he should bring something home or even just to let me know that i should fend for myself.

and we were living together. this is a man that purported to want to marry me and yet after a brief honeymoon period never once took me into consideration in his decision making. how can you claim to love someone and yet not consider them in your decisions?

that’s a concept that i just cannot wrap my brain around no matter how i try.

you can love someone but not think about them, worry about them, consider them in your decision making. how is that possible?

i know that part of this is the example that you grow up with. my parents were the kind of couple where the guy would come home and kiss the girl every single day. every day. the family default is to eat all meals together unless otherwise engaged by sport/activity or whatever.

given a choice my parents choose to be in the same room unless they’re doing things which cause them to be elsewhere so that’s my expected default. it’s not necessarily the way that i want to live but i have certain behavioural expectations that are basically built in.

one of them involves calling if you aren’t coming home for dinner. or calling if you’re going to be later than usual. or making me food if you’re making some. or making you food if i’m cooking. or automatically doing your laundry with mine or picking up your favourite juice at the store or inviting me to go out for subs with you.

it seems like the right sort of thing to do.

ironically with tr his family was the same way so i don’t know where he got his lack of it from.

i heard once that love isn’t an emotion it’s an action. and i sort of know what that means on a gut level without necessarilly being able to articulate it. when you love someone you just do things right?

or maybe you just want to?

i don’t know, i just know that all the really long term and happy couples i know of consider each other before themselves almost always…. or something like that.

riddle me this my lovelies.



  1. i don’t know, i just know that all the really long term and happy couples i know of consider each other before themselves almost always…. or something like that.

    Actually Sass, you hit the nail on the head. It’s the couples that think about the other half before their own and sacrifice and complete the inner circle that is love.

    I hate the definition of love, or even trying to define or express how to do it. There is no right way to do it, describe it, feel it, work it, relate it.

    Love sucks. it is the one thing that is never the same for any two people. Ever.

    Never ever.


    Comment by Everything nice — March 23, 2006 @ 5:21 pm | Reply

  2. “you can love someone but not think about them, worry about them, consider them in your decision making. how is that possible?”

    once again, sass… you’re speaking my language. i could not agree with you more on this.

    and your ex and MY ex would get along great!

    Comment by terry — March 23, 2006 @ 5:36 pm | Reply

  3. I believe that you have to be strong in yourself and know exactly who you are and what you stand for before you can have a successful relationship.

    You really need someone else who’s in the same boat, as far as that’s concerned, which is where it can get tricky, Batman.

    That kind of security in one’s self breeds security with one another. And from there, it’s easier.

    Not easy, because the brain is a wonderful tool, but a shitty leader.

    Comment by Matt Vella — March 23, 2006 @ 7:18 pm | Reply

  4. I totally agree with Matt. You can’t be with someone until you can be with yourself. That is why I’m so opposed to my sister’s imminent nuptials… it’s just a disaster but neither of them can see it because they’re too buried in complacency. Ugh!

    I don’t know who should think of whom when or before the other or whatever… but I do know that when I’m in a long-term relationship I always consider the effects of any major or semi-major decision on the person I’m with and our relationship. Inconsiderate people are just not ok in my book… it’s ok to be selfish once in a while but when it’s a prevalent personality trait, then you know that you cannot depend on that person to take care of your children and whenever I think long-term, I always, always think of what kind of father a man will be.

    And when I’m with someone that I love? Sometimes I don’t even stop to think that I want to do X or Y … I just find myself doing it because it’s what he would appreciate and if that’s so, then why WOULDN’T I do it? You know?

    Comment by JMai — March 23, 2006 @ 8:59 pm | Reply

  5. bubbles: it’s funny how sometimes things come out of my fingers and it takes someone else pointing them out for me to hear them.

    i can’t help it you know, when i love people. i just want to do things for them. it’s the hardest thing to tell them when things upset me because i hate hurting them.

    now listen to what you said babe: “Love sucks. it is the one thing that is never the same for any two people. Ever.

    Never ever.

    beautiful. never thought about it that way.


    terry: see, you are a quirkyalone. how’s that for friggin’ aggravating? i hate being in a club that defines me well.


    my ex is a nice guy just not for me. he’s much more of a loner than i am and doesn’t really like to pay attention to his own actions or feelings. i seem to have a thing for those a little.

    matt: i don’t know about exactly who you are because i discover new pieces of myself relatively constantly but at the same time my moral structure is fairly well fixed.

    i think you have to be a formed human but you’re allowed to still be malleable. course what do i know, i’m a career singleton.

    you definetely have to believe in yourself though. i would say that that’s key… brains suck.

    Jmai: i like me very much so i’m pretty sure i can at least start dating now. maybe. possibly :)

    i’ve seen those disaster weddings. it’s something about the eyes, they know it’s doomed and they do it anyway.

    yeah, i do the same thing. you for sure have to take care of yourself too… and really you should be taking care of each other so it should be easier.

    you’re right too with the dad thing. how they react to children and animals says a lot about them.

    and yes, i do know, that’s how i am too.

    Comment by sassinak — March 24, 2006 @ 12:17 am | Reply

  6. Knowing who you are and what you’re about doesn’t mean putting a stake in the ground – not by any stretch of the imagination.

    Being changable, malleable, agreeable, and willing to let go of your ego – that is part of being comfortable in your own skin.

    Comment by Matt Vella — March 24, 2006 @ 2:04 am | Reply

  7. In other words, knowing who you are as a person isn’t mutually exclusive with growth and change. :)

    Comment by Matt Vella — March 24, 2006 @ 2:09 am | Reply

  8. Sass I don’t like labels either…I mean can’t I just be me? Do I really have to be catagorized just for your sake? ya know that’s how I feel :)

    I heart real love, it can really heal anything but you’re right it is not the same for anyone!

    Interested to know if love for women is mostly the mind thing; I know a lot of men who just dont consider their “love” when making decisions but many women who do? maybe it’s in our wiring? Maybe Hubris has some insight?

    Comment by HuneeB — March 24, 2006 @ 3:01 am | Reply

  9. matt: okay i can drink to that. i wasn’t sure that’s what you meant earlier (suspected cause you’re like all smart and stuff) …

    ahhh my ego, that thing gets in the way more often than i care to admit…

    yay for growth and change!

    hunee: that’s just how i feel. that’s what pisses me off when labels kinda fit.

    actually emma said that, i just quoted her back to herself cause i thought it was an awesome statement. but you’re right that she’s right *grin*

    i don’t know if it’s a man/woman thing or a personality type thing… i lean toward the personality type thingy though. i know some women that are hella inconsiderate… but i think maybe the odds are better of women being like that than men??

    hey hubris huneeb wants your opinion…

    Comment by sassinak — March 24, 2006 @ 8:49 am | Reply

  10. love is a verb, love is a doing word…

    and i think, sometimes we just outgrow friends. some of ’em.

    Comment by stoned.nerd — March 24, 2006 @ 9:08 am | Reply

  11. I found it sad to read this post. It kills me to routinely see great starts end with forgetfulness of how to show love with daily small gestures. The huge deal breakers are easy to remember in my opinion. The small stuff can be way harder but in the last ten years I’ve really learned to not forget those things either. Also what bothers me is how people will stay in a relationship though they don’t feel that way anymore and won’t even give their so-called lover the respect of letting them know that they’re done. “you can go now.”

    Comment by green_hedonist — March 24, 2006 @ 9:27 am | Reply

  12. Love may be an action, but it’s motivated by emotion. Without the emotion, the action would simply be kindness or consideration. And though I’m kind and considerate (nearly choked on that) it doesn’t mean I’m in love.
    I’ve got to stop reading you so early in the morning. Thinking this early gives me a headache and the rest of my day I resent you for it. :)

    Comment by kathi — March 24, 2006 @ 10:31 am | Reply

  13. brutal…

    Comment by green_hedonist — March 24, 2006 @ 11:13 am | Reply

  14. nerd: i think that absolutely we outgrow our friends, that said, the way that we do it matters a lot.

    it’s okay if he’s over being friends with me, it’s not okay if he’s just decided that that means that he doesn’t ever need to call me again…

    hubris: you mentioned that this post made you sad so i reread it to see why and found what you meant. you’re totally right. it’s easy to remember smoking or not to hit people or whatever but it’s a *lot* harder to remember to be kind and considerate out of habit.

    i HATE that people will stay in a relationship that they’re ‘over’ without bothering to tell their partner their feelings. it’s so fucking unfair and one of the least loving things you can do i think.

    kathi: i agree. being kind and considerate can be personality traits that have nothing to do with love. that said, can you have love without kindness and consideration?

    i’m so sorry for the brain headache! should i disclaimer the particularly intense posts? actually i can’t, i almost never agree with everyone about what is and isn’t an intense post…

    hope a coffee helps with the headache…

    hubris: yeah dude.

    Comment by sassinak — March 24, 2006 @ 12:23 pm | Reply

  15. riddle me this my lovelies.

    Sadly, I don’t see a riddle in there. I’m quite familiar with the circumstances, myself, and it was never a mystery what happened when they stop being interested in your welfare or your feelings. You didn’t make mention of it in your posting, but being good friends first has led, in my experience, to the best and longest-lasting relationships. Honestly, I can’t think of a single couple that I know who met in a bar, got caught up in a fit of passion, and then got married and stayed together for years. As shitty as it sounds, I think people just get bored with each other when they don’t “click” on a fundemental level first. And to let it continue for a long time – sometimes years – is simply cowardice. A lot of people labor under the delusion that keeping a dead thing on life-support and pretending to be happy-in-love is easier than just having “the talk” and dealing with the problem directly. If it goes on for too long, you start to feel like a ghost. It’s horrible. And you’re 100% correct about happy couples putting their other’s needs before their own, but that should happen spontaneously – from the very beginning – and NOT just because they’re trying to get with you, either. It should be an unconscious thing, like handing a good friend $80 to get their car fixed without having to be asked. You do it because you can’t imagine not doing it.

    It sucks that the story ends like this so many times. There’s always someone who’s trying to hold everything together…and they will pay for it.

    No good deed goes un-punished, right?

    Comment by I Am Scorpionic — March 24, 2006 @ 1:59 pm | Reply

  16. OK some of this stuff really bakes my noodle, really, on a daily basis. I am a people watcher, an urban anthropolgist, as you put it, and I tend to look at people’s behaviour and try to decode it. And for the life of me, I soooo don’t get some of the stuff that we do and I think that is a motivation for wanting to study psychology and sociology and such.

    But then I remind myself that the ne person I dated who was in the psychology field acted in the most random ways when shit went pear-shaped… more so than someone else I dated who had depression issues. Soooo…what gives, you know?

    That’s why I always keep going back to the whole truth thing. People tend to be ostriches, you know. At the first sign of peril, head goes firmly into the sand and that sucker is staying in until it is well and safe to look around again. And problems do not get solved like that.

    And the major thing is that it isn’t even that we expect that everything has a solution. Some things are what they are…like someone leaving you or someone not loving you anymore…but what we do expect is that there can be a civil conversation that gives closure.

    Although I do sometimes think that just understanding he is just not that into you and moving on is a fantastic idea. But my brain wants a little more. I want to know why this person that thought I was the epitome of everything he ever wanted somehow now can’t be arsed to pay me attention.

    Is that too much to ask?


    Comment by Natalia — March 24, 2006 @ 3:04 pm | Reply

  17. Everybody else made the points I was going to, so I’ll save some space and say that I really like your blog. I just found it today and it’ll probably take me a while to catch up, you ramble on as much as I do! :)

    Comment by joe — March 24, 2006 @ 5:21 pm | Reply

  18. I had that happen to me, but I married the guy and it took less than a year after that for him to forget about me in his decisions. To be honest he was doing it before we got married – once or twice – here and there. I was promised change. This year we’ll be divorced – how’s that for change? All self instigated BTW. Made the mistake, now I’m paying to fix it.

    In my experience it’s not easy to find some who will actually talk to you. There are plenty of people out there to have conversations with and such, but there are few who tell you the truth about themselves and what they want. It’s fear. If we are afraid to be found lacking, wanting, imperfect and undeserving, we pretend => but we aren’t committed long term actors and the facade slips and the real problems begin. And sometime it’s just that we want something so badly, we’ll take whatever, however it comes.

    It’s hard to hold your own hand and tell yourself it’s going to be alright and that the best thing is nothing but you. Each of us is trying to find the best way to do that and love themself and their life. If we stick together and support each other I think we’ll make it :)

    Comment by Amber — March 24, 2006 @ 6:22 pm | Reply

  19. note: i ambeing rude and blogging at othercat’s with company over… so this will be SHORT

    scorp: i’ve always found that a friendship relationship is useful but at the same time it doesn’t seem to really make a difference. i don’t know shit though because i haven’t broken even two years yet. anyway, i don’t know.

    the fit of passion thing no. but i can think of a lot of people who started dating the day they met, took their time, and are having big anniversaries. it’s about taking it slow, friends wise or sex wise i think…

    yes… that’s it right there. you can’t imagine not caring about them… you just can’t. not doing it never occurs to y ou.

    heh… it’s hard to know when to stop trying, people keep accusing me of lacking commitment

    nat: me TOO!

    oh man i dated a psych major. he pushed buttons to see what would happen!

    i want to know why they don’t love me. i wan’t to know why they never did or stopped. i want to know how they can feel so differently from me … i want to understand always… and sometimes the conversation helps…

    i can tell you one of the only ones i STILL wonder about never told me why. said he couldn’t put it into words.

    bullshit, didn’t have the balls to tell me is what it was… or something. still stings a little and i still want to know why.

    tell me why and let’s try to be civil… but it’s hard not to be mad, when you break up you’re grieving your own dream at the same time

    joe: WELCOME! the early months are much slimmer.

    amber: i married someone once too. under a year later i kicked him out for being allergic to employment.

    now? i hardly remember i was ever married.

    the men that i can talk to until 4:30am? and still be talking as we pass out from exhaustion? and contemplate getting coffee just to stay awake and talk longer? those ones get me where it hurts.

    it’s the wanting badly that kills us. it’s what gets our eyes to close and our heads to shake and the justifying to start.

    lying to ourselves… *shaking head* part that’s hardest to get over.

    i think we’ll make it too amber :)

    Comment by sassinak — March 24, 2006 @ 7:14 pm | Reply

  20. oh I wanted to see a nekid pic!! not really, i’m not some weirdo, well not that anyone who wanted to see you neked is a weirdo…god i’m just going to shut the hell up now before I dig myself in a bigger hole!

    Comment by debambam — March 24, 2006 @ 8:02 pm | Reply

  21. okay I promise not to be that psychologist! I swear! It’s like a few crazy women give all the rest of um a bad rap…
    I just want to help kids!


    …and not in that creepy catholic preist sort of way!

    Comment by HuneeB — March 24, 2006 @ 11:52 pm | Reply

  22. deb: i’m so glad you went ahead and posted that, i laughed for a bit when i read it!

    how’s the earth down there?

    hunee it’s okay, some people learn about people to communicate better. some people learn about people to take advantage of them. you know which one you are.


    man catholic priests have a worse rep then shrinks… that make you feel any betteR?

    Comment by sassinak — March 25, 2006 @ 2:12 am | Reply

  23. any true deep, meaningful relationship between two people — whether it’s friends or lovers — is predicated on consideration and thoughtfulness, to some degree. It’s about compassion and caring; can you have love without either?

    you made some great points and raised some great questions.

    I’ve had too many friends who have drifted away. I did what I could on my end to make it last, to keep the friendships going, but one person can only do so much. If one person is always the one calling the other, making plans, etc., it doesn’t work in the long run.

    Sometimes people choose other priorities — other friends, their spouses, their children — to the exclusion of their friends. While that’s understandable to some degree, I never got why with so many people it’s an all or nothing proposition. Why can’t you be married and have kids, or get a new girlfriend/boyfriend and still maintain relationships with others? Sure, it might be to a lesser degree, but isn’t that better than to no degree?

    hell … I don’t know crap. LOL

    great post though, and lots of good comments.

    hope your weekend is good, sassinator

    Comment by DZER — March 25, 2006 @ 4:09 am | Reply

  24. dzer: i don’t think you can no, but i see people trying all the time. it makes me think that a lot of people have confused lust or covetousness with love.

    if i love someone and they don’t love me? i wish for them to find someone they will love, not for them to turn into someone else and miraculously fall for me… my little fantasy life notwithstanding *snicker*

    i think that everyone is guilty of the drift. some people have it done to them more and some people do it more but i don’t know anyone who hasn’t just drifted away from people over time. and sometimes the long slow drift is a good thing… but not when it’s used as a dumping technique.

    i fully sympathise with kids/spouses being a priority in your life… what i don’t get is why suddenly i’m not longer worth having in your life. sure i get less of your time and all that but shouldn’t i still get some? and how come suddenly you can’t do anything without your new partner?

    aren’t you supposed to have time to yourself? go away so i can miss you so to speak?

    dude neither of us knows crap but nonetheless you make excellent points.

    thanks for the compliment!

    it’s great so far deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezer :)

    Comment by sassinak — March 25, 2006 @ 12:47 pm | Reply

  25. i’m a bit late to this one, huh? bastard thesis!

    i’ll just leave it at:

    you can love someone but not think about them, worry about them, consider them in your decision making. how is that possible?

    WORD. never understood that one. i worry and think about my dog all the time, let alone people that i deeply care about.

    Comment by da buttah — March 25, 2006 @ 6:13 pm | Reply

  26. elle: you’re not late if there’s no new post up… and even then you aren’t late. comment when you’re moved to, who gives a shit WHEN that is :)

    that is one of the defining questions for me, i can’t get it to make sense. i see it all the time in couples that claim to love each other and i’m just confused.

    aside to scorp: dude i’m pretty sure bubbles and her husband were in bed together five minutes after they met… (just how many minutes was it darlin’?) and they appear quite delighted to be married to each other still… so?

    Comment by sassinak — March 25, 2006 @ 6:18 pm | Reply

  27. i slept with a guy the first day i met him..and..uh i was with him for over two years

    he’s an asshole..granted…but..shit can work haha

    Comment by da buttah — March 25, 2006 @ 9:08 pm | Reply

  28. tangent time: can i just say how much i love your comments section? i just love reading what everyone else has to say about the interesting issues you always seem to raise. it’s like a great, late-night conversation.

    Comment by terry — March 25, 2006 @ 10:44 pm | Reply

  29. elle: thanks for making my point for me :)

    i think it’s different for everyone. scorp and i just happen to be in the go slow crowd :)

    terry: yes you totally can because ME TOO!!!!

    personally i think my comments section is better than my blog and i’m so grateful it exists!

    Comment by sassinak — March 26, 2006 @ 1:35 am | Reply

  30. hey! anytime i can point out my whoreish ways ;)

    it just kind of happened, and i felt comfty enough with him to just go for it after only a few hours of knowing him…

    okay! haha doesn’t matter. i put out on the first encounter, not even date. GO ME!

    Comment by da buttah — March 26, 2006 @ 5:29 pm | Reply

  31. hey now that’s not what i meant and i’m pretty sure you know it… i just mean everyone is different.

    and for the record? i did that a few times in my life too :)

    Comment by sassinak — March 27, 2006 @ 2:25 am | Reply

  32. So what’ve you been doing since Thursday? What have I got to do, get my own life??

    Comment by kathi — March 27, 2006 @ 12:40 pm | Reply

  33. kathi: i sorry, it’s been a very busy weekend and i never really got a chance to blog.

    i’ve been sulking about it myself…

    and i thought you have a lovely life?

    Comment by sassinak — March 27, 2006 @ 3:26 pm | Reply

  34. lol, lovelier than some and not as lovely as others.

    Comment by kathi — March 28, 2006 @ 3:25 pm | Reply

  35. well, at least you know it?

    i mean knowing your life is nice is half the road to enjoying it.

    Comment by sassinak — March 28, 2006 @ 4:38 pm | Reply

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