snapshots of an idle mind

May 29, 2006

languid

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 7:52 pm

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is there anything nicer than waking up at noon stark naked and then staying that way all day?

yes, and that’s doing it when it’s thirty three degrees outside and everyone is at work, there’s beautiful light in my apartment and even my cats are lolling around.

wait it gets better.

‘mute is on the way over with pakistani food so i don’t even have to cook.

i know!

i will have to enter the outside world at some point today though since i have to teach at six pm and then mg and i are going climbing. that may not last because she has asthma and there’s a smog alert today, she’ll be happy to hear that’s it’s cooling off steadily the rest of the week.

oh man you guys, i even hear a lawnmower.

ahhhhhh bliss.
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seriously the lawnmower is so soothing that i keep finding myself staring into space and not typing.

*laughs*

*contemplates brushing teeth*

*stares into space*

*eats some fantastic chocolate that DM left here for sharing*

*doesn’t bother looking guilty*
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today is the first day that it feels like summer inside my apartment. i think it’s why i’m so enjoying it. i have no clothes on and no coverings and the air and my skin are the exact same temperature. there is, in fact, no discernible difference.

soon days like today will seem cool because i won’t be sweating. i won’t be panting slightly and overheated and i’ll feel a little cold because of it. oh man i love summer.

you just feel so sensual all the time. your skin is exposed to the breeze and the sun and even the rain. your feet are bare and much more likely to squish in the mud or wander through the grass.

and because you’re wandering around wearing as little as you can conceivably get away with this wonderful thing happens called a TAN. yes kids i said it. a tan.

i know that they cause cancer but i am pretty sure that it’s sun burns that cause cancer and excessive exposure to the sun whereas slow exposure causes vitamin D. i don’t think that getting gradually brazilian over the course of the summer is bad for you at all. and yes, i tan that colour.

the one that several women who have known me hate me for. that golden glowing brazilian colour. i know that it’s actually the italian in me but people tend to picture much browner than i mean if i say that. i’m much less dark and much more bronze. or something. man i cannot figure out how to put that into words.

so sure, tans are bad for you but at the same time? they’re wonderful for you. i guess it’s that moderation thing again. i’m a little biased since i look prettier with a tan. i have friends that are the opposite though and that’s cool too. someone needs to be the hottie in the winter and i’m too busy trying not to kill myself in february for it to be me.
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i love that i walked out of work and into an outside that was warmer than the inside.

i love that everyone is wearing sandals

i love that the people smiling are also the ones moving slooooowly.

my sister learned that from the people in washington DC. she noticed that all the people from northern climes were trying to rush and rush everywhere in their suits and that they looked miserable all summer. she further noticed that the people from the southern climes? they had their hips a little forward and they were sauntering down the roads. and not only were they sauntering but they were wearing loose and flowing clothing and they were clearly not trying to hurry.

it seems like the right attitude to me.

once a year the world tells your body to slow down and get sensual. it seems to me you should listen to it.
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and since everybody’s doing it and my post is done early (bold means it’s true):
I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex.
I’ve Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I’ve Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Same Sex.
I’ve Never Had A Three-Some.
I’ve Never Been In Love.
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Public Place.
I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse.
I’ve Never Been Spanked.
I’ve Never Been Tied Up.
I’ve Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone.
I’ve Never Made Out With A Stranger.
I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date.
I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor.
I’ve Never Slept With A Co-Worker.
I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office. (does masturbation count?)
I’ve Never Been Married.
I’ve Never Been Divorced.
I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week.
I’ve Never Posed Nude.
I’ve Never Watched Porn.
I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them.
I’ve Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner.
I’ve Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party.
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room.
I’ve Never Flashed Anyone.
I’ve Never Met Anyone From Online.
I’ve Never Cheated On My Significant Other.
I’ve Never Masturbated.
I’ve Never Used A Sex Toy On Myself.
I’ve Never Used A Sex Toy On Someone Else.
I’ve Never Danced On A Table Or Bar.
I’ve Never Strip-Teased For Anyone.
I’ve Never Received A Rim Job.
I’ve Never Given A Rim Job.
I’ve Never Received A Hand Job.
I’ve Never Given A Hand Job.
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Hammock.
I’ve Never Performed Oral Sex.
I’ve Never Received Oral Sex.
I’ve Never Had Anal Sex.
I’ve Never Had Sex involving a strapon.
I’ve Never Given/Received A Golden Shower. (AND NEVER WILL!!!!)
I’ve Never Had Sex With Someone While Fantasizing About Having Sex With Someone Else.
I’ve Never Had A Sex Dream.
I’ve Never Had An Orgasm By Myself.
I’ve Never Had An Orgasm With/By Someone Else.
I’ve Never Had Phone Sex.
I’ve Never Had Cyber Sex.
I’ve Never Role-Played.
I’ve Never Played Strip Poker

May 27, 2006

ghosts

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:46 pm

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bow your heads and be sad a moment.

on my way home i reacted a second too slowly and i murdered a squirrel. murdered it so well that i heard it’s bones crunch and it’s body explode under my tires.

that’s it i’m really sad and faintly ill. i didn’t go back to see if it was all the way dead either, i couldn’t bear the idea of having to run over it twice. it’s a busy road, i think it’s been extra squished now… i hope. i think.
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oh yes

*waves*

hello weekenders … all six of you.
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i still have the funny cough but it’s starting to clear up a little. i should track pollen counts and compare. feels like a cold that’s improving slowly though.

my upper lungs feel a little heavy so i am monitoring.
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okay so, i took a gait workshop today and it was awesome.

we talked about the muscles of the leg and the lumbar spine and the thoracic spine and how it all relates back to watching people walk and we compared ourselves to each other and showed off our broken bits and generally learned a lot.

there was a bit of a personal funny because one of the ladies taking the class is also an actress who was a regular visitor on a show i watched for the duration of it’s run. so i kept looking over and seeing her as she was when she was in the clothing appropriate to that show rather than seeing her fantastic orange top.

well it was more of a superimposition.

and probably every time that i’ve seen her on television i’ve related her back to that first role that i saw her in and i probably always will.

you know, like how whenever faith or willow are on tv it’s faith or willow who have new careers as actresses rather than the original people in their new jobs. don’t get me wrong, i’m okay with willow having a day job as an actress, i mean being a super witch is kind of hard and doesn’t pay the bills.

and being an actress seems like a super wicked job.

but somehow people sort of are the first thing you see them as. even if you meet them wearing a costume and you’re fully aware that they’re wearing a costume.

like the guy i met at the wear what you wear to bed party. he was wearing a candy g string thingy. of course he’s gay.

and everytime i see him now i actually imagine him in those candy underwear and i have to sort of shake my head and remember that he’s also a really good climber and a nice man with wit [hee, who thinks that my ass is fabulous!] {dudes he’s GAY and he likes my ASS so it must actually be fucking rockingly good… *dance of joy*}.

but there’s this image in my head. with the candy and the thong.

and it’s just living there.

and it makes you wonder a little about the people in your life, especially the ones you’ve known for a long time. are your perceptions of them accurate? do you know them at all?

do you have, rather, a set of impressions burned into your mind that sit in front of the person you’re actually talking to?

how much of your advice to someone is actually based on your reactions to their past behaviour? at what point do you actually know someone rather than just holding a collection of impressions of them?

is that all knowing someone is? the collected impressions of tons of meetings? i mean i know that with othercat i can totally predict what he’s going to say half the time and i’m sure that he can do the same with me.

this has occasionally gotten us in trouble … but not too often.

see the thing is that even if we’re wrong it’s never by much. so we can legitimately be said to know each other.

but can we? is it more that we’ve just got so many ghosts in front of each other that we can sort of see all the possibilities now?

and is that the same thing?

this really only seems like a relevant question with people that leave strong impressions on you. i mean if you meet someone sort of generic they’re going to get the sort of generic montage of light in front of them and you’ll never really notice when they’re different from your expectations.

except, i suppose, if they exceed them.

but if you meet someone and they’re the life of the party in a thong made of candies then it’s going to take a while to get past that and into the reality that is their self.

and can you ever really see it?

hrm this is funny, i was going to talk about my amazing gait workshop that i took today and instead i’m completely distracted by perception and expectation.

actually that’s just what the discussion hinges around. is it funny that i call it a discussion when i’m discussing it with myself?

okay dictionary.
per·ceive Audio pronunciation of “perceive” ( P ) Pronunciation Key (pr-sv)
tr.v. per·ceived, per·ceiv·ing, per·ceives

1. To become aware of directly through any of the senses, especially sight or hearing.
2. To achieve understanding of; apprehend. See Synonyms at see(1).

expectation
n 1: belief about (or mental picture of) the future [syn: outlook, prospect] 2: wishing with confidence of fulfillment [syn: anticipation] 3: the feeling that something is about to happen 4: the sum of the values of a random variable divided by the number of values [syn: arithmetic mean, first moment, expected value]

okay that pretty much sums it up really. if you perceive something you’re looking at it. you’re actually paying attention to the shape of it and the behaviour and smell and taste of it. you’ll touch it to see what it feels like and put your ear against it to taste the sounds it makes.

you’ll lick it or talk to it or eat it or sit on it. but you will experience it.

if you expect something you have decided prior to meeting it that you know what it will be like. you have already chosen your reaction and the reaction of the thing you are about to see. you are anticipating the future rather than waiting to see what it will bring.

you don’t need to taste it or touch it or smell it or listen to it. you have predicted the outcome.

and that’s just it. with people that you love and know well the perception and expectation are simultaneous. but with people that you know slightly? that you’ve met once or seen on tv?

or met at a costume party?

the perception seems to get a titch blinded by the expectation. funny that.

May 25, 2006

i

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:56 pm

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because bubbles wants to know what i would say… and so do i. the original tag questions are in caps, the ones bubbles added have *’s in front and mine are without emphasis…

I AM: stoned

I SAID: less than i used to

I WANT: sex

I WISH: it didn’t hurt so much

I HATE: the idea of hatred

I MISS: my grandfather

I FEAR: love… death… love…

I HEAR: the fridge… and my fingers on the keys and my cats eating and a computer fan

I WONDER: how i feel

I REGRET: not taking the initiative

I AM NOT: tired

I DANCE: whenever i hear dancing… whether there’s music playing or not and whether anyone else is dancing or not

I SING: at band practise and in the car

I CRY: for long distance commercials… but never for myself.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: as generous or compassionate as i would be

I MADE: a lot of mistakes

I WRITE: on my hands to remind myself to do things

I CONFUSE: my clients because it’s very hard to put movement into words… but we muddle through

I NEED: more sleep

I SHOULD: go to bed right now

I START: a lot of books

I FINISH: almost all of them

*I believe: in the inherent good nature of the human being… and that my cat is really really excellent

*I know: very little

*I can: yes

*I can’t: i can

*I see: your bones when i look at you… and your moods from the way you hold your body… or the way your body holds you… or? more than you wish me to.

*I blog: less than i want to but more than i should

*I read: everything

*I am aroused by: skin, breath, intellect, wit, long slow deep back rubs, spring, some music, great food and rare people’s pheremones

*It pisses me off: how few people’s pheremones work for me *grin* [but oh when they do]

*I find: that all too often i would rather blog than sleep. i would also rather read, watch tv, fuck, smoke weed, talk, play video games, eat, insert cool shit here, than sleep

*I like: myself. at last

*I love: my family, my cats, my friends, books, chocolate, movement, the internet, eye candy, brain candy and my city.

i understand: that i do not always need to share what i see

i fail to understand: how people can be without compassion for each other and how greed would ever seem better than sharing

i never: say things i don’t mean

i rarely: get lost

i occasionally: manage not to order the fries

i regularly: fail to answer email

i often: lose track of the conversation i’m in because my brain went on seven tangents at once… or forty two.

i always: check my email as soon as i get out of bed (when i’m at home and often when i’m not)

i without exception: hate wearing underwear.

i laugh: easily and occasionally unself consciously

i ask: for what i want. most of the time

i trust: anyone, but i keep my eyes open

i am saddened: that i need to keep my eyes open

i listen: better every day

i would: be the change i wish to see

I can’t tag anyone because everybody has already been tagged or done something similar, so I suppose I would like it if you have read this and want to do it, to please let me know because I would be thrilled and delighted to see what you come up with…

May 23, 2006

poulain

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:24 pm

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i hate when people tell you off for something after you’ve already dealt with it.

see the problem? see how it’s all solved nicely and wrapped in a pretty little bow? exactly. so why are you yelling again?

even more annoying is when people are so sure i’m going to fight with them about some transgression of theirs that even after i’ve said ‘it’s fine’ they go ahead and have the fight anyway.

and no matter how i try and try to tell them i’m not mad? they have to have the fight. have to. i have to be mad.

seriously what is UP with that?
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i hate trying to deal with city works. i call, i’m not even done talking and she’s already transferring me. why does this SUCK? because i was JUST talking to the fucking people she transferred me to and they’re now closed for the day.

so here i am trying again.

“all of our agents are currently busy, please hold as your call is important to us…”

no it isn’t, if it were in fact important to you you would have answered by now. more than that? you would have let me finish my god damm sentence instead of transferring me because you assumed you knew why i was calling.

guy number two was much better. he told me they don’t have a permit. now i have a gripe and they’re getting a citation. not to mention i feel perfectly justified moving their fence off my parking spot.

fuckers. taking up three parking spots out of eighteen on one street. with no permit.

asshats.
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i have this weird allergy/cold thingy where i’m coughing phlegm sounding things and sniffling and totally having nasal drip and and and.. but my eyes, ears and head are clear.

am i sick?
do i have allergies?

who fucking knows????

i just know i’m weak, i feel faint when i exercise and need like twelve hours of sleep a night.

who the fuck has that kind of time?
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i wish people wouldn’t tell me what to do after i’m the one who told them the trick.

if i point out to you that you could work a little on something-or-other and it will help your movement?

don’t pass me the same fucking advice a week later.

especially?

don’t pass it on if you didn’t actually understand it.
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if i tell you to get the fuck out of my apartment so i can get a back rub before i go to bed?

LEAVE!

it is NOT an invitation to stay for another hour.

i’m just saying.
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i am so far behind on my email that i’ve given up. if i owe you email?

good luck.
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dear body

would you mind terribly picking a temperature? this random shedding and piling on of clothes combined with random window opening alternating with heater cranking?

not doing it for me.

nope, not at all. seriously now pick a temperature. if you can’t manage that i’ll have to cover you in insulation again and you know damm well we don’t want to do THAT ever again right?

right?

hey *poke poke*

well that explains the ice cream cravings.

i’m sorry you miss your insulation dear ass, suck it up cause it ain’t comin’ back if i can help it.
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what is up with the fucking alive emoticons. if i type colon right bracket i want to see :) not some pretty little yellow bouncing smiley face. just :)

did i ask for the help?

FUCK NO!

the very *least* they could do is let me turn them OFF!!!
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oh my god i fucking love this chocolate.

damm i owe curious some chocolate…

poulain how i love thee and thine ‘eclats de cafe’ candied coffee dark chocolate madness.
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oh fuck that wasn’t a rant.
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why do people ask for your opinion if they don’t want it?

no, seriously, if you ask me for my opinion about your health or movement or general physical whatever as a relative expert you could at least listen to me when i’m talking.

or?

just don’t ask in the first place. and when i tell you what i think? please don’t argue with me or try to correct me. especially when you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. if you *do* know what you’re talking about then maybe we could discuss instead of you asking and then trying to smack me down.

k? k.
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dear universe.

thank you for poulain chocolate.

[fyi you can get it here and you don’t need to order it from france, but the article is good]

May 21, 2006

*pinch*

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:42 am

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when i was swimming they used to weigh us, put us on diets and fat pinch us. i didn’t realise then how useful that knowledge would one day be…

twenty years later.

there i was talking to a friend of mine and she started to tell me that she was fat. now i couldn’t see her body really because she was wearing baggy pants but i could see her upper body and i told her that i would describe her as slender.

which i would.

and she was fully stunned. fully because she knows that i am the kind of person that doesn’t say things they don’t mean.

and we then went on to discuss her body image and my body image and i told her that i thought she was a size six, eight at the most. eventually i looked up her bmi (body mass index, a relatively full of shit measure of body fat) and it was twenty point eight. so i look up mine which is twenty four point eight, point one away from overweight.

i know, i know, it’s because it doesn’t take muscle mass into consideration.

and she stared at me.

how could mine be higher if she could see that i was fit and looked good? she’s known me for years after all.

so then i fat pinched her. i know i don’t have calipers and i can’t get the number of millimetres of fat but i could compare her spots to mine. so i did.

she was blown away.

not only did she have less fat than i did at every spot but she could see that i didn’t have very much.

she just sat there and stared at me. she couldn’t even begin to understand how she could be so convinced that she was fat when all rational evidence pointed to the contrary. eventually we concluded that what she actually was was out of shape.

this is, of course, totally different. i can state unequivocally that if you are out of shape and skinny that chances are you’re feeling fat anyway. i can also state with relative certainty that if you’re chubby but in shape you’re feeling pretty skinny.

so then i started thinking about my clients. i have a fairly large group that i teach now and with very few exceptions these are people who are relatively fit but kind of broken. in terms of the women though i see commonalities between almost all of them.

with two exceptions that i can think of (which makes it about 95% for the women i know) every single woman that i teach has body image issues or self image troubles or is somehow convinced that her body is bad.

i mean from the size two Indian princess to the size twelve most adorable redhead to the six foot blonde goddess to the five feet of adorable asian girl to the silver fox. there is no correlation between ethnic background and body image that i can see either. it seems to transcend race and age and height and weight.

the one universal is that none of these women likes her body.

NOT ONE!

what’s awe inspiring about this? i don’t have an unnattractive client.

i have ones that are more or less attractive. i mean i have one lady who is six feet of blonde perfection and you would not be surprised to see her on the cover of vogue (well she’s a bit older than they like but otherwise you get what i mean) and of course most of my clients don’t measure up to her (then again neither do i… oh her bones!) but then most humans don’t measure up to brad pitt either.

but somehow that’s the only person they’re willing to compare themselves to.

every single woman that i teach is beautiful.

no, seriously, every single one. some of them are cuter or prettier or thinner or more ripped but they’re all attractive women and not one of them believes it.

irony? this has done my own personal self esteem more good than almost anything i can imagine. even just the pinching thingy with my friend. she’s slender, so if i have the same sort of fat pinching as she does then i must be slender too right?

right?

hey brain are you listening???

yeah, it’s fucked up what the media and modern culture do to women. i mean at least when i was growing up i had cindy crawford or christie brinkley… beautiful women with full figures. they were thin sure but they weren’t starvation chic either. they were healthy and looked like they exercised.

what they weren’t were twigs.

i imagine growing up today with kate moss being practically fat by today’s standards and i’m afraid for the girls that are coming up now. they have slutty fourteen year olds, bimbos like jessica simpson and anorexic super models to look up to. this doesn’t bode well for their own self image.

i mean hell the women of hollywood are falling all over themselves at mach six to get plastic surgery and ‘work’ done on themselves because they can’t keep up with the air brushing either. eventually there won’t be a woman alive who is capable of looking like the women in magazines. already the models can hardly keep up.

this example pretty much sums up the problem.

women are more and more being made to look like caricatures of themselves and fewer and fewer actual females are capable of looking as they expect. i mean hell look at any magazine when they do one of those articles about ‘the best jeans for your butt’ and then look at the models.

they’ll have ‘boy’, ‘tall’, ‘short’ and ‘curvy’ and all four of the women will be within ten pounds of each other. the woman they use for curvy doesn’t ever look like she’s over a size four and she definetely never has hips.

one of these days i’m going to send them a picture of my ass in jeans and say ‘fit me you cocksuckers!’

until then? i guess i’ll just keep spreading the message one friend at a time.

ladies? you are NOT fat. throw out the fashion magazines.

thank you.

May 18, 2006

taggerific

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:42 pm

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this was sent to me in email but i liked it so much…

Things you have done:
Place an X by all the things you’ve done, or remove the x from the ones you have not, and send it to your friends/ post it to your blog.

for me capital X is for sure and small x will have an explanation with it…

This is for your entire life:
(X) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
(x) Crashed a friend’s car (my own or parents car count?)
(x) Stolen a car (parents car count?)
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped
(X) Shoplifted
(X/X) Been laid off/fired
(X) Quit your job
(X) Been in a fist fight
(X) Snuck out of your parent’s house
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(X) Been arrested
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend – Only for their own good
(X) Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die (cats count i say, especially when they’re purring on your chest and the vet is crying while it happens)
(x) Been to Canada (i LIVE here :)
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons (pencil crayons?)
(X) Sang karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced/Did something else in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus (as a school assignment)
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe (i was six)
(X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) Blown bubbles (shush, i haven’t blown her yet!)
(X) Made a bonfire on the beach
(X) crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating
(X) Ice-skating

i’m adding a few i think are fun:
(X) been to europe
(X) kissed (with tongue) a member of the same sex
( ) learned to surf
( ) climbed a real mountain
( ) jumped out of a perfectly good airplane… while it was in the air
( ) bungee jumped
( ) hang glided
(X) had a one night stand
(X) danced in a snowfall
(X) made a snow angel
(X) watched a friend break their heart over you
(X) played disc golf
(X) played regular golf
(X) played footbag golf
(X) water skiied
( ) learned to sail
(X) kissed (with tongue) a member of the opposite sex
( ) been to asia
( ) been to australia/new zealand
(X) been the only one dancing
( ) been to africa
(X) been so cold you thought you would die
( ) been to south america
( ) been to the caribbean
(X) been addicted to a drug
(X) won over an addiction
(X) smoked weed
(X) tried cocaine
(X) tried crystal meth
( ) tried Ecstacy
( ) tried heroin
(X) seen a rainforest
( ) attend church regularly
(X) feel spiritual every day

Any nicknames? sass, bones
Mother’s name? louiseanne
Tattoos? No
Body (piercing?) yes

How much do you love your job? i would do it for free if i were rich. i can’t help it.
Birthplace: sudbury, ontario
Favorite vacation spot? anywhere i haven’t been yet with surfing.
What is your favorite drink? good beer or water

Ever steal any traffic signs? no
Ever been in a car accident? lost count
2 Door or 4 Door? 2 door
Salad dressing? no

Favorite pie? key lime
Favorite number? 17
Favorite movie? tank girl
Favorite holiday? my birthday

Favorite food? oh so much. anything with flavour or texture or spice or love in it.
Favorite day of the week? every single one of them
Favorite brand of body soap? deluscious
Favorite TV shows? ncis, house, gilmore girls, survivor, er, charmed

Toothpaste? aquafresh – that orange one
Favorite smell? after spring rain
What do you do to relax? blog, smoke weed, long drives, read, sex, dance, watch tv
Message to your friends reading this? anyone who wants to can consider themselves tagged…

How do you see yourself in 10 years? different
Furthest place you will send this message: guam if i blog it
Who will respond the fastest? no idea
Least likely to respond? not relevant since i’m doing it as a tag :)

Auto or stick? stick
Walking or cycling? walking
Dance or watch? dance
Expect to live forever? fucking right!

What time is it now? 4:02pm

May 16, 2006

space

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:57 pm

.
so a new word has been applied to me and i even like it.

spiky.

it was one of those words that you hear applied to yourself and you can feel it settling into your skin like really good moisturizer. it’s just somehow immediately yours.

‘mute was discussing the kind of woman he likes [picture me] and has historically liked [picture strong, opinionated, articulate women…] and he basically said that most of the important women in his life have been spiky.

apparently this is a defining trait of women like us and it makes a lot of sense. i’ve called myself prickly and mercurial in the past and both of those things are true but spiky sort of feels more like a description of shape than personality.

shape in the sense of the jigsaw puzzle piece fitting that we all do when we’re dating… we try someone out in all their permutations and see if they fit our particular connecting pieces.

and i’m *feeling* spiky.

i know that i basically spent the better part of the last two years whining to my blog that nobody liked me and that the worms in the garden tasted good and that i should thus shut the fuck up and just enjoy the dating.

but it’s WEIRD. [and besides, y’all don’t want me to shut up *grin*]

i have been a fully defined human for years now. making my own choices, doing my own thing, sleeping when i want, not sleeping when i want, eating if i feel like it and basically totally basing my life around the choices that i alone make.

of course my friends were involved, how could they not be? you can’t go camping with a group of folks and not worry about what they’re doing and how you’re all getting there. i mean i was still living cooperatively and all.

but this is different.

this is a person who is in my space in a way that friends aren’t. i mean there’s hand holding and stuff. i don’t hold hands with my friends, kiss their lips, feed them chocolate, whatever… i just hang out.

but suddenly there’s this like large presence around on a semi regular basis [who i like, don’t get me wrong okay?] and my space feels funny. there’s a hand on my back (okay shoulder, he’s fucking tall) or a voice in my ear and somehow it’s making my personal space feel weird.

i think it’s simply that i haven’t shared space with another human in three years. and a half if you count back to when tr and i still liked each other more than we didn’t.

i haven’t put my arm around someone or kissed them or felt their breath on my neck. i haven’t called someone to ask what we were doing for dinner or for our date or whatever. i haven’t even had to consider someone else when deciding what movie to rent.

i’ve been alone.

i haven’t been dating or running through football teams every friday night.

alone.

and whether ‘mute and i end up hanging out long term or not is totally not relevant to the discussion at hand. what’s interesting is how strange i feel to be dating at all.

i was convinced in the last couple of years that i would take to dating again like the proverbial duck to water but i feel a lot more like a baby learning to crawl for the first time. plus i’m a klutzy baby and keep running into corners.

not only do i have to explore this man that i’m seeing but i have to explore myself. i have all of these assumptions about what i’m like when i date and very few of them turn out to be true. in some ways i’m almost a teenager again because i’m getting to know myself as a dating person.

i’m actually that different from the person i was the last time i was in this seat. hell i was in my *twenties* the last time i started something with someone. i was in.my.twenties.

i’m turning thirty five in three months.
i’ve experienced my own personal crucible.
i’ve filed off a lot of bullshit.
i’ve grown new branches…
i’ve been there and done that a lot.
no a lot.

no seriously a lot, like someone sent me a check off what you’ve done list and i said no to like five of them. out of a long list. people often refuse to believe that i’ve done all the crap that i’ve done. i don’t see why i would lie about it really.

anyway yeah, i’m new.

and i am very different when i’m dating these days than i expected to be or have been.

okay, so far. i’m sure all my fucked up baggage crap is going to show up any second, really i am, but for now i really do feel a little like a high school girl. i’m sort of exploring myself all over again through the eyes of someone else.

it’s a strange and vulnerable and ultimately wonderful place to be but also it’s making me spiky as hell. it’s my space dammit and someone is invading it!

and i’m really surprised at just how hard that part of things is for me. it was the one thing that never actually occured to me as a thing to even wonder about. but i feel weird when a hand touches my shoulder unexpectedly.

kind of like one of those wild horses after they put a bridle on it and she’s willing to take the bridle but she still isn’t sure. and you can see her standing there and seeming to be willing to heed you but then you touch her shoulder and her entire skin just shivers.

so she’s standing but she’s fucking freaked. and then, after she gets used to the idea that your hand is on her shoulder her skin will sort of settle. and yeah, she’s accepted the touching and all but she’s feeling pretty cautious. there’s always the chance that she’ll kick you instead right?

so you take your hand off and she stands there and like flicks an ear at you and you touch her again and you know what? exactly, her skin does that thing again. and that’s me. it’s like every time we go on a date it takes me a couple of hours just to relearn this idea of shared space.

and i *like* it that’s what’s so fucking strange about it. it’s alien and weird and hrm not wrong but unnatural and i like it. but still my skin shivers everytime. (hush bubbles you dirty girl you, that kind of shiver is a whole ‘nother post)

so i find myself sort of randomly snappish or irritable and it’s never about what’s happening right then [okay part of it is the longest bout of pms ever but that’s another story] and it always seems to relate to that space thing.

my sister, a very wise lady, was once heard to pronounce:

space is a hard thing to negotiate

smart girl that one.

May 14, 2006

number crunching

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:56 pm

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today was not a good day to teach a ball class.

i’m just saying
.

i was paid the best professional compliment i will ever get and i can’t tell anyone what it was.

but i’m still dancing about it significantly later
.

beer rocks
.

i have this morass of stuff that’s swirling around in my head and i can’t actually articulate any of it. i especially can’t articulate it into my blog because all of it involves *someone* who reads the fucking thing and a lot of it isn’t hrm… mine to talk about.

some of it is good and some is bad and some is awesome and some is just swirling stuff but all of it is deep and interesting and ultimately a little perplexing and this is where i want to come and vent about it.

instead i find myself staring at the keyboard and not writing anything of substance because i don’t know what i can even say. sometimes i can write one of my wonderfully speculative blogs and get some really useful advice that often applies perfectly but sometimes i can’t.

funny? sometimes a random thought sparked the post and those are nearly always the ones that get people worried about me.

and what’s even funnier is that sometimes i can’t blog it and it’s NOT about anyone who reads this but someone who does will for sure take it personally. i usually manage to remove offending bits, file off the serial numbers and still make things pretty generic but sometimes people assume anyway and sometimes i’m so mad or twisted or confused about something that i can’t come up with a way not to rant.

and the problem is that ranting by it’s very nature implies that i’ve already picked a position.

i already know the answer and i’ve already run the numbers in my head and in some way by doing that i’ve removed any real ability to hear anything but what i already think being repeated back at me. in fact i miss eddie for that, it was nice having a serious republican around because he didn’t agree with me already.

[2-1 edmonton!]

there’s a certain element of damm the torpedoes and if i can find ways to post things that won’t be catastrophic to my personal sense of a happy life i’ll do it. but i’ve been thinking a lot about this sort of thing for a while now (since my blog is getting sorta auld) and while for a long time i thought that my blog was mine to do with as i wished and damm the consequences i don’t really feel that way anymore.

i’ve hurt people’s feelings with this blog. i’ve hurt people that i love very much by saying things that were thoughtless. moreso by saying things that i was aware were hurtful and yet failed to think about first.

failure to consider the repercussions of my actions.

something that i pride myself on doing in my day to day life. every day i consider the ramifications of what i do before i do it and i try to leave the fewest ripples i can manage. well unless someone needs a wave but that is rarely done in haste and at it’s most effective it’s done by accident and without the knowledge of the wave generator.

i think the wiccans have it right with ‘an it harm none, do what thou wilt’ or their threefold rule [anything you send out comes back to you threefold] and the puritans or whomever had it right with the golden rule [do unto others as you would have done unto you].

and i wasn’t doing that with my blog.

i was *mostly* … i mean there have been a number of soap operas behind the scenes and stuff but i wasn’t altogether being considerate when i decided what to post.

and i am not apologising for making anyone cry. that’s the coolest thing ever i think. if your words can affect someone to that profound a degree and you haven’t said anything in anger or meanness? that’s powerful stuff.

and i’m not apologising for calling someone an ass a while back and getting caught out at it by said person. still have no fucking idea how they knew it was them though.

but i am sorry for whining about my lot in life in a way that made someone i care about very much feel accused.

and lately i’m staring that in the face a lot. as more and more of you know the details of my life and as more and more of my offline friends start to participate in my blog the edges have blurred.

i was thinking once that this blog was in a transitionary period but i wasn’t right, that was just me finding my voice but i think i’m making a transition now and i think that’s being reflected in my traffic.

i’m not sure what i’m writing about anymore and i’ve covered a lot of my regular themes more than once and you can only talk about climbing and learning to move so much before you bore everyone to tears… hell i’m even working on my SECOND ‘things i know to be true post’ … so i’m definetely in old television show territory.

if this was er a hot, damaged, croatian doctor would walk through the metaphorical doors and liven this bitch up. since it isn’t i’m not really sure what to do.

i feel like i’m going stale or flat or something and then i go read elle’s fucking awesome post from today and feel even flatter. part of this is just monthly crap but i don’t think that’s all of it. and it’s definetely not the same as the days where you have nothing to post in a general run of good stuff.

what does a stale blogger do when her blog is all stale and stuff?

May 12, 2006

*exhale*

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:18 am

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i was going to write a followup to imagination but it’s friday and frankly it just seems like more work than anyone wants to do on a rainy friday. okay fine it’s really still thursday but for whomever is reading this it’s friday and…

*clears throat*

so. disc golf. that shit is surprisingly fun.

i mean it doesn’t hurt that you get to take a ferry and wander down a boardwalk into some crazy little cafe for lattes and dessert before you go smoke some weed and contemplate starting a round of golf.

now i like video game golf and footbag golf so there was a decent shot that i would like this.

i was SO bad at the first hole it was tragic. i mean i think i threw like every single driver that DM had in his kit and then a couple more before finally accepting one as a decent shot. he does this crazy running thing to launch the freaking disc (frisbee made for golf by a company other than frisbee yeesh) and it sails off into the middle distance and i’m like ‘yeah, this is going to be fun’ cause you know he would get to throw once every half hour and i would be exhausted by the third hole.

but then a brilliant idea! he threw sidearm instead and levelled the playing field slightly. also i got to rethrow anything particularly pathetic.

that first hole. damm. so then i have to approach after my pitiful drive and so i grab the disc and i go whammo and it sails off in a lovely arc straight into the bushes.

the out of bounds bushes.

stoopid bushes.

so i grab another disc and yeah. same thing.

this went on for a while.

fortunately by the second hole i was starting to get the hang of it. i even accepted one of my shots the first time instead of doing three extras.

eventually there needed to be another visit to a shady corner for more weed and there was this tree.

this marvelous tree full of nooks and crannies just begging me to stick my pretty pink toenails into them. so i did. up the tree i went and sat in a branch. DM promptly showed up with the pipe. that tree branch may be my favourite place i ever smoked weed as of now.

serious.

climbing down i even did some monkey moves with the legs over the branches and above my head. there was something so awesome about looking at pedicured pink toenails while climbing a tree barefoot.

i so need another pedicure!

anyway by the ninth hole my left shoulder was starting to inform me that if i didn’t stop this frisbee business imme… okay fine disc business immediately it was going to revolt and refuse to teach any shoulder work on friday.

so i switched to right handed.

and i’m standing there at the tee and i like take three hundred practice uh… swings? before i finally settle into this strange kinetic groove in my body and throw in this crazy awkward feeling way and this little grunt escapes me and the disc sails away.

dead straight down the fairway.

i’m like what?

he’s like what?

we’re both like what???

so yeah down i go to make the approach and i line it up again. i settle into this crazy yoga pose of death and again i take about 400 practice arm movements before i haul off and do the little magic unstoppable grunt and it does it AGAIN!

with my RIGHT hand.

yeah weird.

anyway so this continues and i ended up tying him for the hole. i know, so freaking strange.

i finished the course right handed and other that a few total booby shots i didn’t suck. i turn out to be a right handed disc golf player. this seems very strange. i mean i’m left handed, like what the hell.

pile says it’s because i was doing math so i needed to be right side dominant.

what’s neat is that i think it’s just possible that this sport will work the very muscle in my right shoulder that’s weak. i know, what are the odds of that? it doesn’t hurt that it’s a great excuse to go wander through semi wild parkland and listen to birds chirp.

not to mention there’s a ferry! and picnic tables and fire pits everywhere. i think i’m sold on this sport y’all.

on the saunter back to the ferry we encountered a beautiful woman on a bike. the best bike ever. it, of course, turns out that she’s married to a bike mechanic. but get this… there’s this crazy bike she’s riding that has low tires (like 16″ or so) and this big super well made thick wire basket behind the front wheel and in front of the handlebars.

it only has one gear right now but there’s an option for a second with an auto shifter. yes seriously an automatic transmission for a bicycle. i know, i thought it was crazy too.

so she has this little bike for wandering around that’s just a little extra long because of this enormous basket. i could put my entire shopping in there with room to spare. even my christmas booze run.

i know! [i still have one bottle of bubbly left from that]

i so covet this bike i tell you. the problem is they cost a fortune and i would totally need another bike for when i wasn’t carrying things and it’s sort of huge and i have no real need of it and yeah… i covet it but i am extremely unlikely to be happy if it appears in my life.

one of those old sit up bicycles though? especially in canary yellow? yeah dudes.

so, if you’re bored and have nothing to do one day try to find someone with some discs and go play a round.

oh i almost forgot! i did one shot that was so good that it took out a tree branch. knocked it down!

hee :)

happy friday!

May 10, 2006

imagination

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:30 am

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have you ever been friends with someone and then one day just sort of realised that you weren’t ever friends at all? this has actually happened to me more than once. going along all happy and then whammo… ex friend.

just one day they say or do something that just fucks with your entire perception of them and you’re screwed for being friends with them. [and yes, i’m extremely oversensitive but if your boss asks you to fire someone on the spot with no reason and no notice you’re allowed to lose loyalty to the place that you’re working right?]

i recall once i had been on the phone with a friend of mine (we used to bake and bake together) and we were discussing my current total lack of job prospects and she was all worried about me.

so then one day this job appeared out of the blue (monster.com) and so i called her up and told her thinking she would be glad to stop worrying. and what did she do but say ‘oh you, you always land on your feet’ without a trace of cheer in her voice.

and i still just don’t know how to react to that and it was years ago.

i’m minded of the time a lady (hi sl!) i know informed me that she and a couple of other women in our circle had been discussing me. leaving aside the fact that no one wants to know they were being discussed unless a full transcript is immediately available just consider their conclusion:

that i am relentlessly cheerful.

um what?

relentlessly? so i’m relentless with my cheer? when you are in the deepest hell of your life am i going to try and make you feel like you’ll live? abso-fucking-lutely. am i going to crack a joke to make you smile? yup. am i going to say ‘oh this is nothing, get over it and be cheery with me?’ FUCK NO!

i get it, not everyone picks their words as carefully as i do and not everyone is as self aware as i am and definetely most people don’t pay nearly the attention to their actions that i do but STILL.

relentless? that takes so much power away from what i actually do. it feels diminishing. i felt like less than. i was immediately assured that this was a compliment and that people just admired my cheer and that that’s really cool it really is.

but relentless?

what a shitty word.

i decide every day that i will be happy and i do that because the alternative sucked.

i look for the positive in EVERYTHING that happens because many of the seemingly worst things that ever happened in my life turned out to make me who i am and to be the most positive things after all.

i smile in the face of disdain or dismissal.

i give people the benefit of the doubt beyond all reason.

i try and try to find something to like about everyone.

i look for kind things to say to strangers that look like they need a smile (but i NEVER say shit i don’t mean because that’s lying and people can tell)

i remember being a miserable human and i remember that that was a choice i made. i’m not saying that people hadn’t done things to and around me which helped to make the misery deeper and longer lasting but still, when i woke up in the morning feeling miserable?

i had a choice.

and one day i realised that… and after that i chose to live my life from a happy and sincere place and i’ve been significantly happier ever since. i would like to point out that i’ve had bouts of hell and depression since then but always with the knowledge that i will get better one day.

man is that shit helpful.

so yeah with the friends.

it’s funny how you can turn sideways in your head in a split second and suddenly all of the things that you thought you knew about a person aren’t true. it happened once with an ex-boyfriend of mine too. one second i was all stupid about him and then one second later i was over him.

i didn’t know that instantly, in fact it took me about a week to figure it out but that’s when it happened.

in case you’re wondering, he got angry with me in a way which scared me with it’s intensity. it was also quite out of proportion to the situation and that type of anger is something that scares me and makes me not want it around and it most especially scares me when it’s cold and intense when all that was called for was some mild bickering.

and we were starting a vacation.

that was not one of my better vacations. not to mention it rained and we were at a ski hill.

the thing is that sometimes that kind of imaginary friend is okay. this is the kind of realisation that only tends to hit with distant friends or with people you don’t know very well… (and regarding the relentlessly cheerful one that wasn’t even a blip on the friendship radar… it’s just a relevant anecdote i think)

but sometimes you make a friend and you spend a long time growing them into a deep and true friend or worse yet an old friend and then. and then you find out that they’re a liar. and the thing with lying is that at first you think it’s a small thing. you think ‘so what, so i was told one tiny lie… so what’

except inevitably that tiny lie will somehow turn into another tiny lie and then you hear about yet another one. and at that point you just shake your head and you’re over it.

but still those are the easy ones. the things that other people do that somehow make it clear that they weren’t your friends. and often it’s as easy to see as a simple stoppage in communication.

one day you stop calling them, you never hear from them and two years later they say something clever at a party like ‘what you don’t love me anymore?’ and you think “what it hurts to send an email?”

so easy right? i mean all they have to do is call you or email you once and the dangling threads are picked right back up. funny cause i lectured my mom about this a while back but hers was more nebulous than these… these were people who used to call me too, and how did they magically decide it was time to stop?

right cause it was over.

but see if once they called or emailed or stopped by i’d be all ‘heeeey how you been, good to see you’ and then i would pick up my end of it and start getting in touch again. but sometimes you just have to quit.

you call, they don’t call back
you call some more, they don’t call back some more
you make plans, they won’t get specific and promise to call
you promptly make plans for that timeslot knowing they’ll never call, they don’t call
you leave a weird message cause you’re sad and hurt, they don’t call
you send an email spelling out your sense of abandonment, they don’t answer

you’ve been dumped. and worse than anything you’ve been dumped by someone who cannot be bothered to tell you they’ve done it or why.

not even when you ask directly. if you ever get that far. which i usually don’t but i did once.

and that’s bullshit.

that makes the whole miserable friendship imaginary doesn’t it?

i’ve had enough imaginary friends, someone tell me how to tell the real ones apart from the imaginary ones.

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