snapshots of an idle mind

May 10, 2006

imagination

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:30 am

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have you ever been friends with someone and then one day just sort of realised that you weren’t ever friends at all? this has actually happened to me more than once. going along all happy and then whammo… ex friend.

just one day they say or do something that just fucks with your entire perception of them and you’re screwed for being friends with them. [and yes, i’m extremely oversensitive but if your boss asks you to fire someone on the spot with no reason and no notice you’re allowed to lose loyalty to the place that you’re working right?]

i recall once i had been on the phone with a friend of mine (we used to bake and bake together) and we were discussing my current total lack of job prospects and she was all worried about me.

so then one day this job appeared out of the blue (monster.com) and so i called her up and told her thinking she would be glad to stop worrying. and what did she do but say ‘oh you, you always land on your feet’ without a trace of cheer in her voice.

and i still just don’t know how to react to that and it was years ago.

i’m minded of the time a lady (hi sl!) i know informed me that she and a couple of other women in our circle had been discussing me. leaving aside the fact that no one wants to know they were being discussed unless a full transcript is immediately available just consider their conclusion:

that i am relentlessly cheerful.

um what?

relentlessly? so i’m relentless with my cheer? when you are in the deepest hell of your life am i going to try and make you feel like you’ll live? abso-fucking-lutely. am i going to crack a joke to make you smile? yup. am i going to say ‘oh this is nothing, get over it and be cheery with me?’ FUCK NO!

i get it, not everyone picks their words as carefully as i do and not everyone is as self aware as i am and definetely most people don’t pay nearly the attention to their actions that i do but STILL.

relentless? that takes so much power away from what i actually do. it feels diminishing. i felt like less than. i was immediately assured that this was a compliment and that people just admired my cheer and that that’s really cool it really is.

but relentless?

what a shitty word.

i decide every day that i will be happy and i do that because the alternative sucked.

i look for the positive in EVERYTHING that happens because many of the seemingly worst things that ever happened in my life turned out to make me who i am and to be the most positive things after all.

i smile in the face of disdain or dismissal.

i give people the benefit of the doubt beyond all reason.

i try and try to find something to like about everyone.

i look for kind things to say to strangers that look like they need a smile (but i NEVER say shit i don’t mean because that’s lying and people can tell)

i remember being a miserable human and i remember that that was a choice i made. i’m not saying that people hadn’t done things to and around me which helped to make the misery deeper and longer lasting but still, when i woke up in the morning feeling miserable?

i had a choice.

and one day i realised that… and after that i chose to live my life from a happy and sincere place and i’ve been significantly happier ever since. i would like to point out that i’ve had bouts of hell and depression since then but always with the knowledge that i will get better one day.

man is that shit helpful.

so yeah with the friends.

it’s funny how you can turn sideways in your head in a split second and suddenly all of the things that you thought you knew about a person aren’t true. it happened once with an ex-boyfriend of mine too. one second i was all stupid about him and then one second later i was over him.

i didn’t know that instantly, in fact it took me about a week to figure it out but that’s when it happened.

in case you’re wondering, he got angry with me in a way which scared me with it’s intensity. it was also quite out of proportion to the situation and that type of anger is something that scares me and makes me not want it around and it most especially scares me when it’s cold and intense when all that was called for was some mild bickering.

and we were starting a vacation.

that was not one of my better vacations. not to mention it rained and we were at a ski hill.

the thing is that sometimes that kind of imaginary friend is okay. this is the kind of realisation that only tends to hit with distant friends or with people you don’t know very well… (and regarding the relentlessly cheerful one that wasn’t even a blip on the friendship radar… it’s just a relevant anecdote i think)

but sometimes you make a friend and you spend a long time growing them into a deep and true friend or worse yet an old friend and then. and then you find out that they’re a liar. and the thing with lying is that at first you think it’s a small thing. you think ‘so what, so i was told one tiny lie… so what’

except inevitably that tiny lie will somehow turn into another tiny lie and then you hear about yet another one. and at that point you just shake your head and you’re over it.

but still those are the easy ones. the things that other people do that somehow make it clear that they weren’t your friends. and often it’s as easy to see as a simple stoppage in communication.

one day you stop calling them, you never hear from them and two years later they say something clever at a party like ‘what you don’t love me anymore?’ and you think “what it hurts to send an email?”

so easy right? i mean all they have to do is call you or email you once and the dangling threads are picked right back up. funny cause i lectured my mom about this a while back but hers was more nebulous than these… these were people who used to call me too, and how did they magically decide it was time to stop?

right cause it was over.

but see if once they called or emailed or stopped by i’d be all ‘heeeey how you been, good to see you’ and then i would pick up my end of it and start getting in touch again. but sometimes you just have to quit.

you call, they don’t call back
you call some more, they don’t call back some more
you make plans, they won’t get specific and promise to call
you promptly make plans for that timeslot knowing they’ll never call, they don’t call
you leave a weird message cause you’re sad and hurt, they don’t call
you send an email spelling out your sense of abandonment, they don’t answer

you’ve been dumped. and worse than anything you’ve been dumped by someone who cannot be bothered to tell you they’ve done it or why.

not even when you ask directly. if you ever get that far. which i usually don’t but i did once.

and that’s bullshit.

that makes the whole miserable friendship imaginary doesn’t it?

i’ve had enough imaginary friends, someone tell me how to tell the real ones apart from the imaginary ones.

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30 Comments »

  1. You seem to be living my life right now. Except that I did it to a friend once, stopped talking to her and she was hurt and she kept trying to get me to talk to her, while I ignored her and then she got over the fact that I was a bastard to her. And then one day a few weeks ago, I needed a shoulder to cry on, and she was there for me. She walked with me at night and she became the only thing that kept me going.

    She is so much a better person than I am, ansd I am lucky to have her as a friend.

    OK, maybe this doesn’t tie in 100% to your post, but it shows that for all of the jerky friends like me, there are some fuckin’ decent people out there who need us all to stand up and give them a round of applause.

    Comment by Earthworm — May 10, 2006 @ 1:00 am | Reply

  2. I was angry with my friend.
    I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
    I was angry with my foe;
    I told it not, my wrath did grow.

    And I watered it in fears.
    Night and morning with my tears;
    And I sunned it with smiles,
    And with soft deceitful wiles.

    And it grew both day and night,
    Till it bore an apple bright.
    And my foe beheld it shine.
    And he knew that it was mine.

    And into my garden stole
    When the night had veiled the pole.
    In the mroning glad I see
    My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

    William Blake

    Comment by clarity — May 10, 2006 @ 1:30 am | Reply

  3. hey earthworm welcome back

    well it’s funny that you say that because i’ve done that too. i was a lot less mature then… (i know shocking! *giggle*)

    what’s impressive is that she got over it and that she was there for you. sounds like you have a really awesome friend there.

    i don’t see how it doesn’t, it’s the exact situation i was discussing.

    clarity: damm that’s a great poem. way to whip it out of your butt! *grin*

    thanks for posting it, i’d never read it

    Comment by sassinak — May 10, 2006 @ 6:06 am | Reply

  4. Dude, you seem to be having some issues with less-than-honest friends lately. What’s going on?

    Earthworm: Your friend is definitely a better person than me. If a guy dumped my ass with no explanation, I would be less than gracious if he got back in touch because he needed a shoulder to cry on.

    Comment by Princess Valium — May 10, 2006 @ 8:38 am | Reply

  5. PV: well at least one person i thought i was friends with turned out to be a liar and someone else actually did that little scenario i posted with me… but i was the one doing the calling and he was the one doing the not so much.

    and yeah, i’m really starting to wonder what’s up, i managed to mortally offend one old cow simply by showing up at a party i had been invited to!

    and what you said to earthworm? i know me too… or at least a lot of ass kissing would be required.

    Comment by sassinak — May 10, 2006 @ 9:00 am | Reply

  6. Seems like everyone in life has a dodge, a reason for doing what they are doing…that is purely self-serving. Do we ignore it, analyze it, or just say fuck it?

    Comment by Casually Me — May 10, 2006 @ 10:26 am | Reply

  7. Alright DAMMIT! I knew I should have been more on top of my email!!

    You know what though, Im good with the phone!!! I would totally call you!!

    My mouth runs better than my fingers.

    Unfortunately sometimes lies are lies and even little white innocent lies can sometimes lead to big ugly compounded lies and well, I admit I have been guilty of a compound or two after heavy coercement….sp?

    I am stepping away and trying to unwind the binds that tie my soul at this point and machete the shit out of my ordeal to acheive a greater good within myself at this point because well the alternative has taken too much effort.

    Jesus… see, now I could go all day on this comment… it’s therapuetical for me to want to just stand up and say “LOOK FUCKTARDS THIS IS WHATS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE AND I CAN’T GET RIGHT.”

    But to do that would to take so many down with me. And though I feel my soul would be lighter and free-er if I were to say so… I am more protective of many than myself.

    I hope that is being a friend too… in a weird, psuedo fucked up sort of way.

    Comment by Everything Nice — May 10, 2006 @ 10:56 am | Reply

  8. That and the ‘we have to DL this’ handcuffs that wrap tightly around my wrists are beginning to leave marks that breath cannot aid.

    Comment by Everything Nice — May 10, 2006 @ 10:58 am | Reply

  9. ERM. I have many friends like that. I get tired of my role as the great comminicator and stop trying. I don’t like wasting my time whne I’m talkling to a wall I prefer the real wall => no expectation of response there than. I get told I’m needy cuz I get pissed when I don’t get called/emailed back, I get mad when we make plans and they don’t show. People have stopped being my friend saying it’s because I’m so unhappy. It’s never that I’m so unhappy they are such shits and won’t stop telling them about it. I have actually beaten someone down with how bad a friend they are. Mostly I just stop talking to them and let them slip away. We’re not doing each other any good.

    I try to remeber that society conditions us that things are disposable, and girls (especially I find) are fickle and will throw you over if a person newer and shinier or in some social way – more important, comes along. I take it way personal and so I have an inherent distrust, which is supposed to be built into my Iron Dog nature(Chinese Astrology) but I know it was put there by all those people who were my friends here, only to kick me over there.

    Some people are socially ruthless, some are fair weather and some are out for whatever you can give them. The rest are the ones who will take the shirt off their back, a sick day or whatever – to come out for you – cuz you rock. They’re out there just hiding from all the bad friends they’re trying to see coming. I wish there was a learning curve for disappointment but in this respect, I haven’t found it.

    Comment by Amber — May 10, 2006 @ 12:22 pm | Reply

  10. i don’t call. i do e-mail, i do text to the point of being one annoying whore, and if ever someone needs me, even if i don’t really like them, i’ll do what i can to help.

    not sure why expecting the same in return just begets disappointment. but peoples intentions are just that: theirs..and constantly assuming the worst on their part just leads to being in the same position as if you did in fact put the time and effort into them and it turned out to be a mistake, of sorts.

    as for what Casual said: i say fuck it.

    Comment by da buttah — May 10, 2006 @ 12:37 pm | Reply

  11. Great post, Sass!

    And Amber? Word-diddly McWordenstein. WORD.

    Comment by Will — May 10, 2006 @ 1:07 pm | Reply

  12. cas: everyone has a dodge maybe… but some of us try to figure out what they are and work around them. others just dive into them and play play play.

    well i know that i’m a lot less tolerant of assholes than i used to be so i guess… fuck it :)

    bubbles: what? why? you comment on my blog every day. we have active communication going so if one of us drops a thread it doesn’t matter. the flow is uninterrupted we just dropped a tributary.

    hey look i’ve told some fully nasty lies under coersion but that was a long time ago and i’ve changed a lot since then.

    i think yeah… i can’t think of any heavy ones lately.

    i would like to hear about what’s happening with you right now but i understand if you can’t share. if you want to write an anonymous post i will post it (i’ve offered this to a few people so it’s fine) but really i think you just need an ear?

    *huggs* babe, follow your heart.

    comment on comment on… and if you can’t get it right then step back and breathe on it and see what it does when left to it’s own devices.

    maybe the walls need to come down, maybe they don’t but a little time never hurt anyone.

    *huggs* darlin’

    and yes, protecting friends is fully fine… as is not sharing their truths. when you are directly affected though the choice becomes more difficult. “don’t tell anyone” is allowed but then you should be allowed to choose in advance whether you ever hear the secret right?

    mmmmmmmmmm email me babe.

    Comment by sassinak — May 10, 2006 @ 1:53 pm | Reply

  13. cas. Personally, I analyze AND say fuckit. I find the analysis makes it all the easier to say fuckit… (for me)

    Da Buttah..I SO do that too. The number of times I’ve been a shoulder for someone I don’t even like. And all the time I wonder why I’m doing it and I think it’s because i just think the world is a better place if people are compassionate, and maybe some of those people I don’t like just don’t have a compassionate ear and that’s what makes them act the way they do. I’ve been bitten in the ass a few times with that one, but as Gandhi said: you must be the change you wish to see in the world.

    Comment by mightydoll — May 10, 2006 @ 1:59 pm | Reply

  14. amber: that is fair, and i do as well. i know that some people communicate less than others and that’s fine. i know that you make patterns where one calls more than the other and *that* is fine. but call once in a while right? at least try.

    i hate being stood up only a little more than i hate people who are chronically massively late and don’t cop to it.

    you aren’t needy, you’re reasonable. well assuming you don’t send 100 emails a day and expect an answer to all of them *grin*

    you know that’s funny about the disposable thing, i’m really going to think about this one for a while.

    yeah, othercat showed up with soup once and some cheer when i needed it. was really awesome. and he fed me when i was starving and he would give you the shirt off his back… he renews my faith every time i see him.

    elle: hey you communicate. it doesn’t matter how. and yes, me too.

    i don’t know it either but i know i would still like to be that kind of person. even if i keep getting kicked. i just want a better yardstick.

    i assume the best and am willing to be wrong.

    will: thanks!

    yeah will i couldn’t agree more.

    md: hee me too re cas

    uh word. i would like to say more you you’ve done it for me. :)

    Comment by sassinak — May 10, 2006 @ 2:00 pm | Reply

  15. Your real friends are happy for you not only when your struggling, but when your succeeding as well.

    I tend to differ a little with your comunication = friendship model, but I suspect that our criteria is different for what constitutes a friend and what their responsiblities as a friend are. To each their own I suppose.

    However, I’ve had the same best friend now for over 12 years, and though we live in different places and don’t touch base all that often, I know that he is my friend for life. When we do see each other it is as if no time has past. I completely trust this person with every cell in my body. I would trust them with my entire life savings (if I had one) or my child (if I had one). This person could not be persuaded to visit violence (definition, again up to inturpretation) upon me under any circumstance. That is how I know my friends.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — May 10, 2006 @ 3:44 pm | Reply

  16. I sense a “you let me talk angst with you even though you disliked me” in your response.

    I don’t know you well enough to dislike you on any significant level.

    I certainly didn’t talk angst with you despite anything. I would like very much to nurture a friendship with you. I do sense some resistance in that, however.

    Comment by mightydoll — May 10, 2006 @ 4:53 pm | Reply

  17. jesus, sass, once again… a tremendously interesting and insightful post.

    relentlessly cheerful?? that’s just a nasty thing to say, really.

    and i guess i’ve been really lucky that in adulthood, at least, i haven’t been treated shabbily by any of my friends.

    okay, i can think of one ex-friend who clearly didn’t have my best interests at heart… and then there was the ex-husband…

    but the rest of them? they’re real, and they’re there when i need them and it’s something i am thankful for every day. they never cease to amaze me.

    Comment by terry — May 10, 2006 @ 8:07 pm | Reply

  18. Will – I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. But thanks :)

    Comment by Amber — May 10, 2006 @ 10:49 pm | Reply

  19. lsd: real friends tend to help when you’re struggling too… generally without thinking about it.

    well, people establish the communication patterns that work for them, when those change chances are someone is doing that intentionally.

    how does your communication model differ?

    i don’t know if our criteria are that different. honesty, trust, fun factor… and i have friends i don’t speak with often but that’s our pattern, one of us hasn’t suddenly changed it.

    md: no, my response meant simply that i felt you had expressed the thought perfectly and was meant as a compliment. nothing more, nothing less.

    terry: thanks babe!

    see that’s how i felt too but it’s so hard to explain… it ALMOST sounds like a compliment after all.

    i have a very very small group of dear and true friends, most of them known for years … otherwise i have a lot of people i know and like and am waiting to see if they grow into friends.

    but yeah, i’ve been pretty disappointed by people i trusted in the last while… but ti’s an ongoing thing where i trust the untrustworthy… so i’m trying to figure out why.

    dude, people like othercat make me grateful every day that i met them. so yeah, word.

    amber: hee… i know that feeling!

    Comment by sassinak — May 11, 2006 @ 12:42 am | Reply

  20. I’ve had it happen to me twice. One was a friend and it completely blind sided me and the other was my sister, and that is like a bad dream you can’t wake up from. I’ve got 3 close friends, tried and true after 10 ~ 15 years.
    I’ll stand by ya, though, darlin.

    Comment by kathi — May 11, 2006 @ 1:09 am | Reply

  21. The real ones; they are there in your worst of times to pick you up, cheer for you, or let you lean your head on their shoulder…

    Comment by HuneeB — May 11, 2006 @ 4:03 am | Reply

  22. I think all relationships go through peaks and valleys and the relationships worth keeping are those who will stand the test of time and rough patches.

    That said…people do grow in different direction and sometimes there is no more common ground to go on. People do come in and out of your life.

    Then there are people who change…or people who were always less than stellar as friends but you couldn’t see it. But then somehing they say or do makes you gain some perspective and you wonder why you even bother with them.

    I mean, no one is perfect and if we do love them as friends we take the good wih the bad. But there should be more good than bad. Some people are toxic… like those that claim to be your friend but are secretly envious of you or undermining your happiness, etc.

    Friendships do take maintenance. If I don’t call someone, they know by now it’s because my life can be madness sometimes. And I hope they do understand that. But I try to email or text or visit blogs. And if someone really needs me…like they had a major thing happen or are upset, I am likely to drop other stuff to be there for them.

    Still…sometimes people drop you… sometimes you drop people. And sometimes that’s what needs to happen.

    *huggles*

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — May 11, 2006 @ 7:06 am | Reply

  23. “Relentless happiness”, whatever that is, is unattainable. I remember when that charge was levelled. It’s an obvious example of how a compliment can be a stinging insult at the same time. Some people have told me that I’m very composed and patient. You, of all people, know that is not the case. Folks who say things like that are trying to be nice, but they don’t know the inner workings of our minds.

    Like Pete Townshend says: “Deliver your future into the hands of your friends.”

    Being something of an old fart, I’ve had some extra experiences dealing with people, and making friends is not that hard. Keeping them is the hard part. We all say stupid things occasionally. A lot of times we’re not as sensitive as we ought to be when a friend comes calling. And, sometimes we’re just plain a$$h0l3s. Even, and especially me. Sometimes I think I’m a selfish bastard and wonder why I have any friends at all. Then I give my head a shake, and realize that none of this matters. If I stick with my friends, they’ll stick with me. It’s the nature of that mysterious glue that holds people together.

    I’ve realized after all the trials and tribulations of friendships that there is an ebb and flow. It is easier said than done, but don’t let it bother you when friends come and go. It’s just part of life. I’d be pretty upset if I lost your friendship, but I’d have to keep living too. Positive thinking and looking forward is the best approach.

    Comment by othercat — May 11, 2006 @ 9:06 am | Reply

  24. Relentlessly cheerful — well that’s just jealousy talking. Because it seems to me that it’s framed in the guise of a compliment but really it’s more of an accusation. That is the outward expression of the internal feeling of “man, why is that chick so cheery all the time? I mean I’m pretty happy, how come I’m not as cheerful (aka sociable) as she is? Well I guess if I’m a bitch about it then I won’t look much like a happy person so I’ll just say something that makes no sense but sounds complimentary.” And yeah… relentlessly cheerful is what you get.

    I dunno, some people are old friends that just grow apart. I know that I have, at least once in my life, made a conscious decision to stop being friends with someone that I’d been friends with forEVER. I mean it had been happening for a long time but we’d both held onto these tenuous strings of commonality and then eventually I just decided that XYZ was more important than trying to hold onto her friendship and I let my string go and she never picked it back up which says to me that she was aware that we were losing ground for a long time too.

    Of course she lived a million miles away so that made it easier.

    We all have very busy lives so most of our friends have to know decide to accept it or not. But bilateral busy-ness does not by itself signal the end of a friendship. Obviously it’s a much deeper thing than that — a series of lies that you discover long after they’ve lost relevance, or the recognition that you no longer even like the person that you met several months/years ago, etc.

    Friendship is a seed like any other relationship. It needs nurturing to grow. Lies, farce, coldness, indifference — these will not necessarily kill a friendship, but they will stymie it and prevent it from growing in a positive direction.

    Comment by JMai — May 11, 2006 @ 9:28 am | Reply

  25. Ah yes, I worded that wrong. I didn’t mean your friends are happy that you are struggling. Just that when you are struggling they are their for you. I think it is far easier to be a friend when someone is having a hard time. It makes us feel needed. Gives a friendship definition. It is far harder to a good friend when you are not needed for support. When the person that you coaxed through a tough time is suddenly on top of the world. My father once told me, when you become successful in this world (for him this means money), look around at your friends and see who is truely happy for you.

    Also, I think that communication patterns can change. Sometimes when you meet someone new and interesting the conversation flows freely. There is much to say. Many stories to tell, but at a certain point the characters are formed. The conversation is predictable, the stories have been told. Things can shift pretty rapidly at that point. I think into something even better. True familiarity. Often it seems counter intuitive that true familiarity would lead to more space, less talking, and greater intervals of time between connection, but it seems to do that. Thus my very best friends and I talk the least. We simply don’t have to anymore.

    Sure, if someone just completely blows you off over and over and over, they may have for some unknown reason decided to not be your friend anymore. But most of the time, if good friends decide their relationship as friends is no longer a suitable one, some sort of discussion is made first. It is infuriating and you have the right to not put up with it.

    I’ve got one friend that I lived with for almost 5 years. We were very close. And she is the queen of the blow off. The worst offender of broken plans or unanswered phone calls. But are relationship was so tight, and I understood her so completely that I am not offended. I know she’s just got some quirks and hang-ups. Its nothing I did wrong. I’m not being punished by her, or mistreated. She simply can’t bring herself to comunicate at the moment. Seems weird I know. But that how it has to work with this friend. You can ask Hubris about her. He’ll know who I’m talking about.

    Comment by Light Strikes A Deal — May 11, 2006 @ 10:19 am | Reply

  26. kathi: oh man your sister? that would be like a waking nightmare for sure. damm dude that sounds horrifying.

    and yeah i have a couple of past the five year mark friends and they’re the ones that i consider tried and true. i have some younger friends that may just make it there … i’ll let you know :)

    *hugs* babe.

    hunee: yes. yes they are.

    nat: yes for certain. and not all friendships are supposed to last forever, sometimes you meet and befriend and then you get what you needed from each other and there’s not much else to be done. and i have no beef with that kind of thing, it’s natural and organic.

    client!

    Comment by sassinak — May 11, 2006 @ 12:22 pm | Reply

  27. Clarity: Ahhh, Blake sure did have a way with words…

    Cas: Arg! That sentiment infuriates me! The point of view that “everyone is a selfish SOB so it’s ok for me to be one too” is absofuckinglutely killing our planet. Fuck that. Mother Teresa was selfish? How about Ghandi? Admittedly, there are people who are only/mostly selfishly motivated (most politicians, imho, and ANYONE who drives a Hummer) but that doesn’t mean the rest of us work that way. No. We all look on those folks with horror, despair, and a large measure of shame for our species.

    Sass: Urk @ Relentless! Still, I’d take Relentlessly Cheery over Relentlessly boring, or morose, or annoying… And yes, real friends help without thinking, often without being asked, and always without thought of reward.

    Comment by Da' Mute — May 11, 2006 @ 12:53 pm | Reply

  28. (false alarm)

    nat: as i was saying, when friends drift away from each other or grow and change or move to new cities and lose touch that’s all very natural. i mean change is a massive part of life.

    but then there are the people who change. and sometimes it’s that you change in that you grow your own self respect and realise that someone is treating you like shit and sometimes they say something and you realise what they were like all along or whatever…

    and for sure no one is perfect, and for sure all of my friends have big flaws (as do i by the way) but they’re flaws i can live with.

    then there are people who may be excellent friends to *other* folks but are personally toxic to me. this is especially difficult when they’re in my social circle. fortunately that kind of thing doesn’t happen often and tends to be deal withable.

    so yeah, i don’t expect perfection but when established patterns change and suddenly i’m the only one trying to pick up the strings when someone else cut them without telling me? without even HINTING to me that it might happen? [this is not the same as cutting strings with someone after you’ve told them your beef with them btw]

    and sometimes you can see a friendship dying and you can’t do shit about it.

    but see nat your life is madness but you stay in touch a little right? you comment on their blog once a week or you send a quick text or something. you don’t just disappear for months and months and never call.

    and hey i’ve dumped and been dumped and i’ve done it well and badly… and sometimes it does need to happen, but i don’t have to like it when it happens to me with someone i have both a business and a personal relationship with right?

    *huggs*

    othercat: that’s fucking true. relentless cheer is something that can only be suggested of you by someone that doesn’t know you well.

    yeah that’s EXACTLY what it is it is it is!

    you are composed and patient? *giggles madly* that’s like saying i’m calm and never jump to conclusions.

    pete was a smart guy,

    old fart… yeah right mr. five times a week yoga/pilates. you’re only as old as your spine and yours gets younger by the day.

    you raise an excellent point too. it’s easy as hell to make a friend, it takes seconds… but as sr’s door says ‘it takes a long time to grow an old friend’ … and it does. and it’s all the things that happen in between that make the difference.

    dude you fed me for two years and asked for nothing in return but my continued health and happiness…. and you think you’re a selfish bastard??? you are the kind of friend that people write odes to.

    it’s the people who don’t stick with you that i’m discussing here.

    there’s definetely ebb and flow for sure, hell you and i are an excellent example of that. and i don’t mind that and i don’t mind the casual drift but i mind what’s happening with the former friend i’m using as an example for this post. [who i really did email and who really didn’t answer btw]

    i can’t imagine how you could lose me as a friend… you’d have to try hella harder than you are… but then you answer the phone when i call you *grin*

    jmai: you think? i wouldn’t think that these particular women would feel jealous of me. they all seem pretty cheerful and seemed also to have fulfilment in their lives… and it was relayed to me as a compliment…

    i’ve made similar decisions generally following a long slow twilight style dwindle in depth and frequency of communication. i’ve also flat out dumped people to their face.

    funny things i’m now deeper but different friends with anyone i ever dumped to their face (or in email that once… *waves to said chick*)

    but that’s just what i mean about the string thing. either of you could have picked it up and noone bothered. clearly your time as friends was up.

    bilateral busy-ness. well put. the series of lies thing is brutal, especially because they’re always so fucking pointless and stupid. and the not liking them anymore that’s fine too… but if one of you is actively trying to communicate it seems only polite to at least say ‘sorry fuck off’ or something…

    lies. farce. coldness. indifference. yeah that’s it. that’s it exactly. and lack of consideration helps to stymie also

    Comment by sassinak — May 11, 2006 @ 1:18 pm | Reply

  29. lsd: that makes a lot more sense. and your father while cold is completely right. friends celebrate your successes, imposters run you down for it.

    absolutely communication patterns change. but they change naturally and gradually and tend to involve both parties. and othercat and i can ignore each other all day (except to pass a bowl) and consider it a perfect day with an old friend. so yes that’s true.

    however. they change with both parties fully consenting to the changes or when one party just can’t take whatever the other one is throwing at them anymore. but this is nearly always precipitated by some form of communication that requests change.

    and you know, it’s okay if people don’t want to be my friend, i have a small group of treasured people after all… i’d just prefer some honesty rather than six months of blowing off with assurances that i’m not being blown off tossed in whenever i get looking stubborn.

    as for your friend that you lived with, i know who she is. i do listen when you talk you know. it seems to me that you guys formed a pattern that worked for you. it broke. you made a new one and then she went off to find herself or something.

    and from what i’ve heard of her this is perfectly normal. but i’m also thinking that the signs this was coming were there all along AND that if you had communicated to her that you really needed her to just let you know she was okay once a year or so that she would do that. in other words though it sounds weird it seems like it’s still organic to you guys. she didn’t just cut off a branch with no warning.

    or i’m wrong.

    DM: they say that all good deeds are motivated by selfishness. as in you do the right thing so it makes you feel good, not because you wish to do it just for the sake of doing it.

    that said, i’m okay with doing nice things to make myself feel good while also making someone else feel good. it seems like a positive equation to me.

    hey yeah cheer is better than bore or annoy but still a weird way to put it.

    yeah, like othercat with the feeding me when i was too poor to feed myself.

    Comment by sassinak — May 11, 2006 @ 1:26 pm | Reply

  30. whoops, looks like I read your response with the emphasis in the wrong place.

    sorry ’bout that.

    also: Othercat. I lurve that you just referred to yourself as “something of an old fart” I can hear your voice when I read that and it makes me giggle.

    Comment by mightydoll — May 11, 2006 @ 2:09 pm | Reply


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