snapshots of an idle mind

May 16, 2006

space

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:57 pm

.
so a new word has been applied to me and i even like it.

spiky.

it was one of those words that you hear applied to yourself and you can feel it settling into your skin like really good moisturizer. it’s just somehow immediately yours.

‘mute was discussing the kind of woman he likes [picture me] and has historically liked [picture strong, opinionated, articulate women…] and he basically said that most of the important women in his life have been spiky.

apparently this is a defining trait of women like us and it makes a lot of sense. i’ve called myself prickly and mercurial in the past and both of those things are true but spiky sort of feels more like a description of shape than personality.

shape in the sense of the jigsaw puzzle piece fitting that we all do when we’re dating… we try someone out in all their permutations and see if they fit our particular connecting pieces.

and i’m *feeling* spiky.

i know that i basically spent the better part of the last two years whining to my blog that nobody liked me and that the worms in the garden tasted good and that i should thus shut the fuck up and just enjoy the dating.

but it’s WEIRD. [and besides, y’all don’t want me to shut up *grin*]

i have been a fully defined human for years now. making my own choices, doing my own thing, sleeping when i want, not sleeping when i want, eating if i feel like it and basically totally basing my life around the choices that i alone make.

of course my friends were involved, how could they not be? you can’t go camping with a group of folks and not worry about what they’re doing and how you’re all getting there. i mean i was still living cooperatively and all.

but this is different.

this is a person who is in my space in a way that friends aren’t. i mean there’s hand holding and stuff. i don’t hold hands with my friends, kiss their lips, feed them chocolate, whatever… i just hang out.

but suddenly there’s this like large presence around on a semi regular basis [who i like, don’t get me wrong okay?] and my space feels funny. there’s a hand on my back (okay shoulder, he’s fucking tall) or a voice in my ear and somehow it’s making my personal space feel weird.

i think it’s simply that i haven’t shared space with another human in three years. and a half if you count back to when tr and i still liked each other more than we didn’t.

i haven’t put my arm around someone or kissed them or felt their breath on my neck. i haven’t called someone to ask what we were doing for dinner or for our date or whatever. i haven’t even had to consider someone else when deciding what movie to rent.

i’ve been alone.

i haven’t been dating or running through football teams every friday night.

alone.

and whether ‘mute and i end up hanging out long term or not is totally not relevant to the discussion at hand. what’s interesting is how strange i feel to be dating at all.

i was convinced in the last couple of years that i would take to dating again like the proverbial duck to water but i feel a lot more like a baby learning to crawl for the first time. plus i’m a klutzy baby and keep running into corners.

not only do i have to explore this man that i’m seeing but i have to explore myself. i have all of these assumptions about what i’m like when i date and very few of them turn out to be true. in some ways i’m almost a teenager again because i’m getting to know myself as a dating person.

i’m actually that different from the person i was the last time i was in this seat. hell i was in my *twenties* the last time i started something with someone. i was in.my.twenties.

i’m turning thirty five in three months.
i’ve experienced my own personal crucible.
i’ve filed off a lot of bullshit.
i’ve grown new branches…
i’ve been there and done that a lot.
no a lot.

no seriously a lot, like someone sent me a check off what you’ve done list and i said no to like five of them. out of a long list. people often refuse to believe that i’ve done all the crap that i’ve done. i don’t see why i would lie about it really.

anyway yeah, i’m new.

and i am very different when i’m dating these days than i expected to be or have been.

okay, so far. i’m sure all my fucked up baggage crap is going to show up any second, really i am, but for now i really do feel a little like a high school girl. i’m sort of exploring myself all over again through the eyes of someone else.

it’s a strange and vulnerable and ultimately wonderful place to be but also it’s making me spiky as hell. it’s my space dammit and someone is invading it!

and i’m really surprised at just how hard that part of things is for me. it was the one thing that never actually occured to me as a thing to even wonder about. but i feel weird when a hand touches my shoulder unexpectedly.

kind of like one of those wild horses after they put a bridle on it and she’s willing to take the bridle but she still isn’t sure. and you can see her standing there and seeming to be willing to heed you but then you touch her shoulder and her entire skin just shivers.

so she’s standing but she’s fucking freaked. and then, after she gets used to the idea that your hand is on her shoulder her skin will sort of settle. and yeah, she’s accepted the touching and all but she’s feeling pretty cautious. there’s always the chance that she’ll kick you instead right?

so you take your hand off and she stands there and like flicks an ear at you and you touch her again and you know what? exactly, her skin does that thing again. and that’s me. it’s like every time we go on a date it takes me a couple of hours just to relearn this idea of shared space.

and i *like* it that’s what’s so fucking strange about it. it’s alien and weird and hrm not wrong but unnatural and i like it. but still my skin shivers everytime. (hush bubbles you dirty girl you, that kind of shiver is a whole ‘nother post)

so i find myself sort of randomly snappish or irritable and it’s never about what’s happening right then [okay part of it is the longest bout of pms ever but that’s another story] and it always seems to relate to that space thing.

my sister, a very wise lady, was once heard to pronounce:

space is a hard thing to negotiate

smart girl that one.

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25 Comments »

  1. Space…the final frontier… :)

    These are the voyages of the Sassinak Enterprise!

    *****

    The sharing of personal space is an intricate dance.

    Comment by Matt Vella — May 17, 2006 @ 2:56 am | Reply

  2. oh man dude
    i can’t believe someone made that pun and *I* didn’t see it coming

    :)

    Comment by sassinak — May 17, 2006 @ 6:18 am | Reply

  3. Wow………I read your posts and realize that we are two totally different people but I have found myself relating to so many of your posts…….

    this one inparticular.

    Comment by Kristen — May 17, 2006 @ 9:25 am | Reply

  4. i think this was the closest description of any to the feelings i had when i started to really date somebody again after the exact same amount of absence. 3.5 years. It’s so long! You get to thinking your skin is a thick rubber shell nothing will ever touch or penetrate! Nobody ever touches you. It’s terrible.
    then I was all pleased to get that compliment when i got to the end of it. Thanks, man :)

    Comment by lividviv — May 17, 2006 @ 9:33 am | Reply

  5. kristen you know i was reading your blog not ten minutes ago and thinking the exact same thing?

    especially that guy in the bar with the set down my beer and take me by the hip thing. dude fucked it up and he didn’t have to.

    thanks!

    viv: *hugs* i’m glad you found that without me having to be all ‘hey did you read my blog today’ *grin*

    really? it actually helps me to know that i’m not insane. it sort of makes me feel like i’m unwelcoming or something when that’s not it at all. my lovely client b and i talked about this today and she had EIGHT years in between.

    she said it was equally weird for her. she said some other stuff too but i don’t have permission to quote her on such things in my blog. :)

    Comment by sassinak — May 17, 2006 @ 9:39 am | Reply

  6. Stupid boys in a bar…….weird that blogs connect people in different ways….

    I’m a fan!!! Keep writing…

    Comment by Kristen — May 17, 2006 @ 9:55 am | Reply

  7. i’ll come back and read the rest when i’m not so hoked up on energy drinks i’m bouncing in my seat

    but..that’s funny. i’ve been called “spiky” numerous times.

    my own mother calls me her little porcupine: spiky on the outside, softy on the inside.

    Comment by da buttah — May 17, 2006 @ 10:45 am | Reply

  8. I never did like dating. For me it comes with all kinda of weird ideas about who, what, where and how. I liked making friends and things sometimes kind of evolve. But I totally get this post cuz I’m evolving someone after a similar space in time (what’s with the 3.5 years anyways?) and I’m mentally tripping. Cuz we are friends, but the things he’s doing and saying point down the road to coupling. We aren’t space invaders yet. But I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen. And I’m gun shy. I’m reserved in a way that that has me watching everything said and done and examining it for clues – cuz I’m not sure my gut knows what it’s talking about and my heart doesn’t even want to weigh in on him. I’m wowed and felled by the attention. I’m a ‘spiky’ person too and wanting to find someone is always on going. Getting someone freaks me out for a million other reasons. The biggest problem I’ve had is I don’t know how to stop being independent, enough to let the men in my life feel ‘needed’. Really all my issues stem from a fear of failure and yet, knosing that doesn’t have me even wanting to quit before the beginning.

    Comment by Amber — May 17, 2006 @ 11:14 am | Reply

  9. *snickers and makes “Space Invaders” noises*

    All the most interesting treats have spiky bits to protect them…
    Pineapples, Artichokes, Durian, and Roses, to name a few.
    But of course, against all others my favourite is You! :)

    MV: Lol! Guess that makes me a cling-on?

    Comment by Da' Mute — May 17, 2006 @ 12:06 pm | Reply

  10. space invaders. love that.

    fascinating.
    and i’ll bet when you ended your last relationship, it took you awhile to get used to having your space to yourself again.

    i remember how weird it felt, the first time a man i dated post-divorce took my hand in his. it felt so foreign. i’d forgotten what it was like to be coupled, after having been coupled for the better part of 15 years.

    what an interesting challenge you’re facing….

    Comment by terry — May 17, 2006 @ 12:45 pm | Reply

  11. I’d say spikey is right on. Before reading the rest of the post which I have now done, I interpreted that as spikes being you demeanor and depth between spikes as your nature. Only one of which being something of you that is tangible to others.

    Spikes like an arm’s length.

    Comment by green_hedonist — May 17, 2006 @ 2:59 pm | Reply

  12. kj that boy in your blog was extra stupid. by the time he had you against the wall he should have known what would work :)

    thanks babe, i plan to!

    elle: eep have fun with the energy drinks.

    i like spiky, it’s a nice description without implying nastiness… and i like the porcupine analogy also, i suspect your mother has a point. you definetely seem like a softie to me.

    amber: i’ve never really dated. it’s always just been something that develops with a friend or happened instantly upon meeting someone or whatever. what sort of weird ideas come with it for you?

    dude i so don’t know what’s with the three years thing but i know a bunch of people who have had dry spells that were at least that long. it is strange.

    oh man that thing with the friend is the worst. i had a friend play that game with me for a solid year before i called him on it and he admitted (never to my face mind you) that he was never into me that way. i hope yours is more real than mine was.

    course in retrospect it’s easy to see the game, just hard when you’re in it.

    anyway, i totally get that reserved and watching thing but do trust your gut a little but more trust hrm… trust yourself to do the right thing when the time comes.

    oh yeah dude, i don’t know what’s worse… wanting someone or getting someone *laughs* enjoy the attention because you deserve it and know that i, at least, am pulling for you.

    i don’t think you have to stop being independent, you just have to be a little considerate. they have to find the ways that you really need them after all right?

    the not quitting in advance is brutally hard… but worth it.

    Comment by sassinak — May 17, 2006 @ 4:44 pm | Reply

  13. ‘mute: i love that game.

    mmmmmmmmmmm artichoke hearts.
    what’s durian?

    dude you are so cheesy it’s not even funny :P

    terry: me too, thank amber for that one.

    oh man it took a long time to get used to making all my own choices and not worrying at all what someone else wanted or needed. i’m female, i like to nurture.

    i’m glad y’all know what i mean, i was feeling a bit like a freakazoid. and yeah… holding hands in public feels really fucking weird.

    even weirder?

    “hey who was that man i saw you holding hands with the other night” from a CLIENT

    it’s fully an interesting challenge, and fun so far.

    hubris: hey i’m a prickly bitch that’s for sure… but that’s not really what i meant although i love the image. i was referring more to the pushing away thing i am so good at.

    so yeah, like an arm’s length :)

    Comment by sassinak — May 17, 2006 @ 4:48 pm | Reply

  14. Durian is a Malasian fruit/tree. The fruit is about the size of a small watermellon, weighs 1-5 kg and is mad spiky! I would NOT want to get hit by one falling out of a tree… Ouch!
    Yup, I’m a cheeseball, but it’s ok… I’m laughing at me too! ;)

    Comment by Da' Mute — May 17, 2006 @ 6:54 pm | Reply

  15. My personal space consists of a person that I sometimes don’t like very much. I’ve been trying to kick him out, but he has a hold on me. Haha. Another great post on one of my favorite blogs…thanks..

    Comment by Casually Me — May 17, 2006 @ 8:33 pm | Reply

  16. It’s funny that you should mention spiky today… I just got home from the hospital (my friend Julie just had a baby girl) and they had a name all picked out for her but when she was born they decided she would be better suited to a different name. They called her Parker, and decided that she would be edgy. It just reminded me of the conversation we had tonight about the baby’s name when I read your description of spikiness.

    And I like it. On both of you.

    Re your space, it’s been a long time since I’ve been that skittish, but still I know what you mean and remember my post about my sister’s upcoming nuptials? Well, I think my main objection to the whole thing is that I wish she wasn’t so accustomed to sharing space. I wish she would take the time to get comfortable enough in her own space first.

    But ahh, that’s what I want and obviously not what she wants so what I want is irrelevant. Except for the part where I want her to be happy.

    Comment by JMai — May 17, 2006 @ 10:17 pm | Reply

  17. well my idea of dating is really nothing that’s ever happened => I meet a guy who takes the lead and lets me follow. I don’t think I’d want it all the time that way, but it’d be nice not to be the ONE making and being responsible for all the decisions. I guess that’s my dream man, somone who can share the responsibilities.

    Mostly the though of dating brings up all my insecurities and makes me feel too much like WHY ME? In the is he totally nuts – I’m so not a good pick – kinda way. It’s where my faith in myself really falters. Well really my faith in my ability to be on speaking terms with those REALLY close to me for long amounts of time at least. I can get over my trust issues and let people in, but I seem to pick those who would make me pay for that kindness and make me believe that it is a mistake. SO I don’t trust myself, or my gut => cuz together we have bad ideas about people trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.
    Sorry for monopolising the comments :)

    Comment by Amber — May 17, 2006 @ 10:26 pm | Reply

  18. Sass – oh come on, you HAD to see it coming. :) Here’s to sharing space!

    Mute – to quote 38 Special (lord, I really am showing my age) – “hold on loosely”.

    Jmai – we had several names picked out for our little guy, but there was no way for us to actually name him before he was born. When we saw him, that’s when it all became clear. We had it narrowed down to like 10 names by the 9th month. Then her water broke (I’ve never been so awake at 3am), and we narrowed it down to 3. When he came out…

    He was and is Andreas.

    Comment by Matt Vella — May 17, 2006 @ 10:35 pm | Reply

  19. I like spikey…kind of like spunk with attitude. And yeah, it fits you.

    Comment by kathi — May 17, 2006 @ 10:37 pm | Reply

  20. Dude..spiky is great…and indeed space is hard to negotiate. I am a contact person…some people think that because I like to be in touch with the person I love I am necessarily codependent. But those who know me know I am not…I love my space and my own company but I love the company of those I love. But we all work differently. And dating after a bit of time off surely does feel different. And dating as an older person is indeed even more different. When we are younger and still forming our identity we are likely to put up with a lot more. As we age, we are not into putting up with BS just to be with someone… well at least those of us who are O being alone…there are a lot of women who settle just not to be alone. But being with someone now surely feels different. And in a good way once we get used to it.

    I am blabbing lol it’s late… peace out.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — May 18, 2006 @ 12:02 am | Reply

  21. cracking up at matt, and .38 special.

    ahh, yes. i remember them well.

    Comment by terry — May 18, 2006 @ 10:32 am | Reply

  22. ‘mute: yeah that sounds pretty painful.

    as long as you don’t mind that i’ll tease you mercilessly about it.

    cas: you’re welcome. well if you don’t like him you could see what would make you find him more likeable and work on that… but i suspect you like him more than you let on.

    jmai: you know that’s cool. i think it makes a lot of sense to let babies pick their names. course i didn’t name my cat until she told me her name almost 4 months after i got her… and what a funny name she used too. (harriet)

    i do recall your sisters nuptials and i know exactly what you mean. for her sake i hope she doesn’t wake up one day with her ‘self’ screaming at her for release but she probably will.

    wanting her to be happy is pretty awesome.

    amber: yeah i can see that being nice. i really like men that do that. i’m willing to make moves in the dance but it’s sure nice not to have to lead.

    i think that’s pretty reasonable in a dream man.

    i had a lot of that why me crap and i still sometimes do but i’ve let a lot of it go. i’ll tell you it’s a lot easier to see reality when you let go of that crap but it’s sure tough to release.

    people who date me long term tend to dislike me intensely at the end… i share many of your concerns. i wish you ever so much luck with your current evolving friend.

    monopolise on.

    Comment by sassinak — May 18, 2006 @ 1:17 pm | Reply

  23. matt: i didn’t, that’s what makes it so funny.

    as for your advice to mute? you’re a smart man sir.

    kathi: yeah i know, i think so too :)

    nat: i totally understand the difference between being a contact person and being codependent. and they’re absolutely not the same thing though they are often related.

    you fit the definition of a quirkyalone a lot better than of a loner i would say :)

    yeah yeah, that’s just it, i’m all grown up and picky and edgy and full of spikes that weren’t there when i was younger. it’s kind of neat to get to know myself this way.

    settling is silly, you’re never happy in the end.

    blab on please!

    terry: yeah :)

    Comment by sassinak — May 18, 2006 @ 1:21 pm | Reply

  24. *grin, giggle*

    while I’m CERTAIN that da’mute NEVER would mean to make this comparison, Durian is also known for tasting great, but smelling something like shit.

    To the extent that several airlines have banned carrying the fruit on their planes.

    I always think of that because it pisses Dorian off to know.

    Comment by mightydoll — May 18, 2006 @ 6:17 pm | Reply

  25. md: yeah he told me that it tastes like delicious custard and smells like ass. i’m hoping that only the former part of the comparison applies to me

    *grin*

    i love that that pisses off dorian *g*

    Comment by sassinak — May 18, 2006 @ 7:17 pm | Reply


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