snapshots of an idle mind

June 7, 2006

real men

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:26 am

[i started this post some weeks ago]

this man that i’m seeing does the strangest thing…
he tells me he likes me

he’s straight up about it and i’m flummoxed.

i keep thinking that he can’t be real. i mean that’s just not possible, he likes me AND he admits it?? and he’s eager to see me all at the same time?

there must be a game.

and then it hits me, how fucked the world actually is.

some man is being straight up with me and i assume he isn’t real. i mean imagine that, if all of the honest and sincere people in the world get so burned that they lose the ability to believe in each other? then what happens?

then nobody ever believes anyone?

i mean i’m already getting to that level of cynical so i can’t imagine what it must be like for people who get burned more regularly than i do. those people exist for sure because i read their blogs.

i just can’t believe that living in this modern age has managed to get a relatively sane woman to look at a man who is by every indication straight forward and honest and doubt his reality. i’m legitimately looking for him to trip up or something and i want to stop it.

i want to just be trusting and innocent and believe him.

i want to believe him the way i believed the last asshole i let anywhere near my heart, or the one before him, or that guy before him too.

i want to have faith in the inherent goodness in people, especially men, and not wonder always when they’re going to knife me in the side.

but that is getting harder and harder to do.

maybe buffy was right after all… the hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it.
.

interestingly i started this post before i saw my ex and in rereading it i note that my feelings have changed a little.

either i’m still high from the meeting going so well or on the relief of it all or on my new space or my feelings have changed. for the better.

i’m learning that when the crap left over from tr drained away it took a lot of other stuff that was festering inside of me with it.

i’ve learned that that stuff had me more closed off than i thought i was.

and it seems that since i saw my ex and since i realised that i wasn’t crazy for liking him i’m having a little more faith in my instincts again. i mean just because they are occasionally wrong is no reason to think that they’re always wrong and it was hella helpful to re-meet tr and see why i went out with him in the first place.

[the above was written RIGHT after i saw my ex]

he’s actually fucking awesome. of COURSE i went out with him. he was the catnip …
.

that doesn’t make me any more trusting though. i think i’ve finally hit the one too many times line. the one where you can’t

[oh fuck i’m dead. peanut butter chocolate is available pre-packed now. so it’s CHEAPER and 2 for 12 bucks.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

*clears throat*

*looks innocent*

*slurps*]

get past it anymore. the one where there’s this little barrier that thinks it really is easier to be single. after all then you don’t have to open yourself up or trust anyone or let anyone in.

and don’t fucking tell me that it’s the same as making friends. cause it ain’t. don’t even think about going there.

making friends is easy. you’re not fucking them (shut up you know what i mean) [and if you fuck them emotionally you were never their friend… so] and you aren’t telling them the things you care about in an effort to get to know them better.

and if you are it’s not the same.

you’re opening up but you aren’t also getting physically involved. which is probably easier for people who tend to boink on the first date.

so, somehow with friends it’s not the same. there’s less of the jigsaw puzzle somehow. you’re not trying so much to fit. you’re not really wondering if the other person is actually who they say they are.

you figure they wouldn’t bother since y’all are just friends.

you wait for the other shoe to drop.

but here’s the thing, when do you *stop* waiting for the other shoe? do you ever? i mean there are people splitting up that have been together for forty years.

forty.years.

so you don’t ever stop waiting right? you always assume a little that the other shoe will drop. except then you have to wonder if you’re a self fulfilling prophecy or something. after all, they say you bring on what you ask for. hell i got the one std i was afraid of.

interesting isn’t it?

if you trust them then you’re foolish for trusting.

if you don’t, you can’t get anywhere.

if you put up a bunch of walls and expect them to fuck it up? they can’t really help it can they?

i mean it’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy for a reason.

i was tempted to cheat once. on a guy who assumed he wasn’t worth loving and that thus i would cheat on him. he didn’t trust himself so he didn’t trust me. he was so sure that i was going to cheat on him that i started to believe it too.

so what does the above dilemma say about me?

*pauses for thought*

no seriously, what does it say?

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37 Comments »

  1. I read somewhere once that true intimacy is not the sexual act that the word is often used as a euphemism for, but the existence of complete trust between two individuals, in which each can reveal their “true selves” without fear of judgment and that one will know when the relationship that he/she is in reaches that higher level because of when this intimacy occurs. That means that if you want this relationship to progress that eventually you must start letting down your guard. Start slowly and eventually build up to it. Share a secret and see if it can be held. Make yourself a little bit vulnerable and see how he reacts. Does he take advantage of the situation or pass judgment upon you? Don’t go into it expecting him to screw it up, use these small steps as building blocks up before you get to that higher level of trust in which a violation could potentially end the relationship. That way if he screws up on the smaller things, it isn’t such a big deal and can be used as an opportunity for growth. It just might bring you both closer together.

    Finally, ask him if he likes peanut butter chocolate. If the answer is in the affirmative, then he gets my vote for sure. Mmmmm… yummy… peanut butter chocolate…

    Comment by john — June 7, 2006 @ 1:51 am | Reply

  2. “so what does the above dilemma say about me?”

    It says your bloody human love! Unfortunately there isn’t much anyone can say to you to help you out. But the one thing that helps me deal with this exact same thing is to say, inside my head, to someone else, “YOU are not [Insert name of previous bastard/bitch who hurt you]” I have to say it out loud in my head (kind of a funny statement but you get what I mean!)to stop me from making assumptions about whether this person is for real or not. And the other thing Sass, do YOU think you are a person worthy of someone elses love? Cos if you don’t, of course you are going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop…anyway i’ll shut up now, this is all too deep for this time of day!
    Did you see the post about Zoe and me looking up the word FART? Still makes me giggle :)

    Cheers, Kelly

    P.S WOOHOO i’m first commentor! Wheres my gold star or something??

    Comment by debambam — June 7, 2006 @ 1:53 am | Reply

  3. Oh John YOU BUGGER!! You must have been typing the same time as me, I demand a rematch…hehehehe I thought I was first :(

    Comment by debambam — June 7, 2006 @ 1:54 am | Reply

  4. john: i’m sure you’re right about the definition of intimacy. i’m not sure about the word complete. i know married couples of forty years that still have trust issues. but there is definetely a moment where you stop hiding yourself.

    what’s funny is that no one would ever accuse me of being overly cautious and yet now i am. that said, actual testing seems like a little bit of overkill or something.

    dude if you don’t like peanut butter chocolate i just don’t actually know how to deal. especially mixed with jamoca almond fudge…

    deb: heh. i’m definetely human that’s for fucking sure. i like your technique, it seems excellent as a way to remind yourself that just because one person is an asshole doesn’t mean that everyone is.

    do i think that i’m worth loving? heavy questions for 6:10 am. a lot more than i used to but not as much as i should is the flip but nonetheless true reply. i’ve learned that people love for many reasons and that everyone is ‘worth’ loving but sometiems i do wonder at the choices some folks make.

    no i didn’t… and i didn’t think i’d missed any of your posts since i started reading your blog… well except when i’m sick or away or something… but even then i thought i had read them.

    hee it’s funny with the first comment thing. and you know it goes off YOUR computer clock and not blogger… maybe your clock is slow?

    :)

    would you like a gold star *anyway* ?

    Comment by sassinak — June 7, 2006 @ 6:13 am | Reply

  5. OK … wait, wait, wait, wait, wait …

    … just wait!!

    You’re SEEING a guy?

    Yay you!!!! *hugs the stuffin’ outta ya*

    Comment by DZER — June 7, 2006 @ 8:36 am | Reply

  6. Ummmm yeah. Wordy McWord.

    It’s trying isn’t it? But I told myself that if I cannot allow myself to try and trust then what’s the bloody point in even being anything but alone.

    I mean, I can trust me 100% cause even when I try to lie to myself, I call myself on it…pronto. So, yeah, I can trust me. But that doesn’t get me anywhere.

    And so I told myself I would just trust until given a reason not to. But I think surely in the back of my mind I am waiting for the reason not to almost to prove to myself I was right.

    And I pick up on everything. And I know that Mr. Hagfish might, in that sense, feel like he is under the microscope. And I know that has to be tough.

    But I am learning to recognize certain things. Like, when you first meet someone and for some reason pornography comes up…I can understand why he might want to play down the fact that yes he’s been known to watch some porn…cause, really, you are trying to put your best face forward and you don’t want to scare the other person off. But then, as you get closer, you can admit to the porn stash. And I think I would have seen that as a lie before and now I kinda see it as levels of comfort with self-disclosure.

    But part of me still screams…”that’s a lie” but I am learning to tell that voice that she is being way too strict and she should realize not everyone has had the same upbringing and the same freedom as I have had. And that some people are more guarded and are not as ready or willing to disclose certain things. And when I force the conversation they might feel the need to just say whatever they are comfortable with.

    Does that make any sense? I mean, I still don’t particularly care for the covering up…but I guess what I am saying is that I get why that might happen.

    God I am blabbing.

    But yes…I think we have become cynical and we expect something to go wrong because it has happened every other time…so why not now?

    But that can be a destructive force. We might project that negativity onto the relationship and be less tolerant of growing pains.

    It’s hard to let it go. But, ultimately, I think it’s worth it.

    And if they do fuck up…then you pack up and move on.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — June 7, 2006 @ 8:38 am | Reply

  7. dzer: yes

    *gasps for breath*

    *giggles*

    nat: wow i got a mcword!

    i tell myself those same things. if i’m not at least going to leave the door unlocked then what the fuck is the point of shouting ‘come in’ [laugh here, i shout come in and find out the door is locked ALL the time] and by your rationale i fully trust myself also. sure i make some bad decisions, but they’re mine.

    and i really would be open and welcoming over closed and prickly if i can manage it.

    i get what you’re saying in your example regarding pornography for sure. but at the same time why not just cop to it? like if you aren’t doing your best to be *just* who you are from the minute you meet then what the heck is the point? i’m sure it’s cost me potential relationships but i just don’t know how not to tell the truth. i do know how to not bring shit up though *grin*

    mostly.

    i love it when you babble, you always have such a cool perspective on stuff. even when i agree with you i’m still getting a different view of the idea.

    i try really hard not to be cynical but it’s hard. the last time i dated i was in my twenties. i’m turning thirty five this year. thass a looon time (i was IN a relationship until three years ago mind you)

    i like moving… tragic isn’t it?

    Comment by sassinak — June 7, 2006 @ 9:01 am | Reply

  8. Me giving advice on the true goodness of humanity or even relationships is like expecting Oprah to walk past the ice cream aisle at the Piggly Wiggly…it’s not going to happen. I am glad you found someone. Great mind, into physical fitness, you have all the components. You should be wondering why the other bastards did not say they liked/loved you more. Maybe the problem lies within them, not your new beau. Some people just know what a good thing is, and he seems thankful for it. If he messes it up, then you put a horse head in his bed and be done with him…

    Comment by Casually Me — June 7, 2006 @ 9:08 am | Reply

  9. cas you know it’s funny. when i was fat no one looked at me. when i was in between they looked down but not up. now they look and look again.

    but none of them approach me.

    i find it really weird, i’m supposed to be just what everyone wants but no one wants me. well sorry except the man i’m dating. but that’s a whole other story. people tell me i’m intimidating. but i don’t think i was intimidating when i was fat and i still don’t think i am now…

    i’m going in circles.

    Comment by sassinak — June 7, 2006 @ 9:12 am | Reply

  10. This is a tough topic and you pretty much know how I feel about it. But I have to disagree with the statement that being single is easier than being coupled. Each come with their unique issues, granted, and each involve a different level of emotional vulnerability (self vs. other), but I would argue that the way this society is structured, being single is definitely harder than being coupled.

    Of course, being in a crappy relationship wins hands-down for the worst possible situation.

    And I don’t think men are checking you out more now that you’re more ripped than you were three years ago. You’re checking yourself out more and liking what you see, you’re expecting it (and thus seeing it more easily), and carrying yourself with tons more confidence. It’s you, not your body.

    That being said, being checked out my a truckful of firefighters instead of the other way around feels damn good. Makes you wanna strut. (cue the theme from Saturday Night Fever )

    Comment by Princess Valium — June 7, 2006 @ 9:29 am | Reply

  11. debambam– Yeah, I’m sneaky like that… a blogging ninja appearing when least expected ;-)

    Or it could have just been dumb luck…

    you know it goes off YOUR computer clock and not blogger

    So, that’s how it works…

    *changes computer clock to June 7, 2042*

    Comment by john — June 7, 2006 @ 9:34 am | Reply

  12. “get past it anymore. the one where there’s this little barrier that thinks it really is easier to be single. after all then you don’t have to open yourself up or trust anyone or let anyone in. ”

    I’m there …..right there….what you just typed. I believe it’s easier to be single and I doubt every man.

    *sigh* I’m going to go walk with Oprah through the ice-cream section now

    Comment by Kristen — June 7, 2006 @ 9:43 am | Reply

  13. John & Sass,
    Yeah but i’m AHEAD of you guys!! I’m on GMT +10!!! Oh well shit happens I guess, as long as I get that gold star, I dont care :) I live for gold stars and comments…pathetic I know, but i’m easily amused

    Sass, take a look at the fart post here. One of my better pieces if I do say so myself, kind of an example of my REAL parenting style….hehehehehehe

    Comment by debambam — June 7, 2006 @ 9:52 am | Reply

  14. Sassinak – First of all bottoms up to you who deserves somebody to share the good things in life with. *huggs!!!*

    Secondly I am so glad you put in the addendum that this was written some time ago and not recently because I would have started ranting about how disappointed I have been in the male persuasion in my life and I don’t want to go there hence my brain would implode and create a huge mess on my desk here… Not lovely.

    But there’s a story there, a long sad tale…

    *PERK* Jamoca almond fudge!?!?! YUMMY NUMMERS!!

    What does this dilemma say about you? It says that you in fact are normal, and he has some serious self-esteem issues. But interesting you should mention exactly that paragraph in contrast to the scenario you presented since it seems to happen a lot on both sides of the spectrum.

    Anyway, I have to stifle a lot in expression pardon me if I think my own comment is garbage tho I know you dont. My emotions are being divided into many pieces right now :) *teary smile* But I wanted you to know that though it is hard for me to comment realistically about these things… That doesn’t mean I’m not reading you.

    I love you very much and thank you for your comment on my blog yesterday…
    You saved a 9 year friendship with one sentence.

    Now what does THAT dilemma say about you?

    Comment by Everything Nice — June 7, 2006 @ 10:54 am | Reply

  15. What’s it say about you?

    It says you are normal, 98.6 degrees red blooded human being.

    When we get burned, we have a tendency to pull our hands away from the offending what have you.

    That’s the problem with people, it’s hard to tell which ones to pull away from, so it’s keep back entirely or stay open to being burned.

    Comment by Matt Vella — June 7, 2006 @ 10:56 am | Reply

  16. An older friend of mine once told me about how f=to find the right wife. He said that you just go on about doing the things that you like to do and if she wants to participate great. If she doesn’t that’s great too, but you know she’s the right one when the relationship gets easy. If it’s always a challenge to coordinate schedules or he doesn’t share your interests…if it’s not easy then he’s not the right one!
    Worked for me.

    Comment by Puffin — June 7, 2006 @ 12:02 pm | Reply

  17. This post has been removed by the author.

    Comment by Hubris Humility — June 7, 2006 @ 12:25 pm | Reply

  18. I found analysis in my marriage to be a good thing. Wait. No. I found it to reveal the reasons we shouldn’t have ever been together. I found it to be over analysis because we never got over differences. No matter what was tried or how hard.
    ———–
    While I know matters with friends really are easier, I don’t feel that they are that far behind especially when they are very close friends.

    Comment by Hubris Humility — June 7, 2006 @ 12:26 pm | Reply

  19. PV: i know exactly how you feel about it. but it’s definetely safer emotionally to be single. that said, it’s also really emotionally shitty to be single because you are alone and coupley friends are assholes about hanging out in couples. well CAN be assholes.

    you’re right on the worst. crappy relationships are hell on earth. but what about boring ones that aren’t crappy? they’re just boring.

    do you think men were really checking me out? when i was in nyc with lividviv three years ago i got checked out constantly. but not here.

    that said, i fully agree that the change in my confidence and my stride has NOT hurt.

    mmmmmmmmmmmm firefighters *g*

    john: does this mean i have to pay protection?

    yes, that’s now it works. don’t do that… then i can’t read your comments for 36 years…

    kj: what do you do about it? we can’t just all refuse to date because we don’t trust anyone and we all know at least a few really excellent men right?

    mmmmmmmmmmmm ice cream :)

    Comment by sassinak — June 7, 2006 @ 1:52 pm | Reply

  20. deb: i think it only used the minutes and the local hour that you set your blog to. only because if i fuck up my clock by a few minutes it fucks up my comments timing too…

    this did start a while ago and then roll along a little at a time. it’s an interesting thought trail and was sort of fun to finish. but why don’t you rant? that is what the post was sort of for after all. oh except don’t let your brain explode, that would suck ass.

    dude seriously. go to the nearest baskin robbins and get a scoop of jamoca and a scoop of peanut butter chocolate. pure heaven.

    it’s true, there’s always someone who isn’t trusting or takes a long time to trust. but that’s not the same, my ex had massive self esteem issues which led to him never trusting me and was silly and icky.

    i’m really sad that you’re having such a hard time right now em, i can’t imagine all the hits you’ve taken. well i can cause i had a similar but not as devastating year a few years back.

    i know honey… just drive by and wave if you have nothing to say but it’s always nice to see you.

    you’re welcome, i’m really glad i could do that. i can’t imagine a friendship i’d rather have saved.. it says i’m good at being objective when i’m not involved? *grin*

    matt: that’s true, i am pretty normal. well i’m not but in this regard i’d say yes, yes i am. and i’ve had some pretty shitty burns so i’m not surprised my hands are pulling away…

    ahh psychic powers would be nice.

    Comment by sassinak — June 7, 2006 @ 2:02 pm | Reply

  21. puffin: yeah i think you have a point with that. but isn’t it easy sometimes because there just isn’t any spark or fire? how do you tell the difference?

    that is some great advice nonetheless…

    hubris: i guess like anything analysis has to be performed in moderation… ahh so easy to say :)

    i think she stopped trying long before she admitted it.

    i think that it’s difficult with friends as well but not the same way. you don’t have to agree on the toilet paper direction :)

    Comment by sassinak — June 7, 2006 @ 9:52 pm | Reply

  22. sass, i was gonna say the same thing everyone else has. you’re human. a human who’s been hurt. i think it just takes time to drop those walls.

    and hey, even after many years, there are no guarantees… ;) i’m just saying.

    at some point, you’ll let go.

    btw, i sent this post to a friend of mine who’s going through the very same thing. it’s eerie.

    Comment by terry — June 7, 2006 @ 10:37 pm | Reply

  23. You and I are so much alike. I’m really sorry about that. I know exactly what you mean. I have always thought that once Mark got to know me that he’d be gone, always kind of afraid to let my guard down, ya know? I don’t know how I didn’t manage to run him off, but 20 some years later, he’s still with me.
    I’m just glad he sees more in me than I see in myself.

    Comment by kathi — June 7, 2006 @ 10:42 pm | Reply

  24. terry: it’s just a funny place to be, i was always throw myself into it girl and here i am wondering if i even want to dip my toe in.

    there are never any guarantees… but some people find it irritating when people are waiting for the other shoe. and some people think that makes a self fulfilling prophecy. and some people don’t.

    who’s right right?

    cool, tell her hi :)

    kathi: oh geeze don’t be sorry, you seem like a pretty excellent person to be like. honest, loyal, caring and needs your own space. i’m down with that.

    i think that’s the secret you know.. that you see the best in your partner.

    my nana said ‘marry someone who brings out the best in you’

    Comment by sassinak — June 8, 2006 @ 12:33 am | Reply

  25. lovely post, dear – and this has nothing to do with it. I just read this and thought you would find it amusing.

    http://www.rhyley.org/posts/1067

    Ciao,

    -Pile

    Comment by Anonymous — June 8, 2006 @ 1:15 am | Reply

  26. I enjoyed the fart post. Definitely. When you can fart in front of each other, now that is true closeness!

    Its very nice to have a partner who enjoys being with you and lets you know it. You need that to sustain you through the rough bits. That and the ability to laugh together.

    After eight years, I still wonder sometimes when the other shoe will drop. I think its good not to get too complacent. Not to take love for granted. To continue to appreciate the other for hanging in there with you.

    Well you’re probably in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. Why not enjoy it? We often look back on the honeymoon phase of our relationship and use those times to sustain us through whatever current difficulty we’re experiencing.

    Comment by clarity — June 8, 2006 @ 2:32 am | Reply

  27. I read the first few paragraphs of this post and I was nodding the whole time. I have been so jaded by relationships gone wrong that I now find myself trying to find things wrong with anyone who seems straightforward and worthwhile. Truth be told I’ve been doing it with Chulo since day one. And I’ve been waiting for HIM to realise that I’M not that great and tell me it’s been fun but um, not going to happen after all.

    But I think I’ve had to come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with him, that there’s something wrong with ME for trying to find a hole where one needn’t exist, but that it’s normal for me to want to do that after all that’s happened these last 31 years.

    I still have no idea what will happen in the end but I’m willing to trust him and just enjoy our togetherness.

    As for the guy who thought you would cheat, well it is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. As a human you respond to normal stimuli, and his attitude made it seem like he wanted you to cheat for his own peace of mind (because being cheated on is better than being wrong, in that mindset, I think). How is that different from the chocolate company’s ads that show you swirls of melting lovely chocolate with pretty decorations and associations of smoothness and richness, and now suddenly you want chocolate but a moment ago you weren’t hungry at all? You know?

    Comment by JMai — June 8, 2006 @ 8:27 am | Reply

  28. If you’ve been burned and don’t learn to be careful you’re stupid. If you’re too careful you’re jaded. If you’re too guarded you’re an ice queen. Too afriad – frigid. If you’re too open you’re asking for it. It’s a no winner. At least you have a someone who will telly ou straight up. I have a someone who is clammy mcclam and it irks me. I guess I really want everyone to be just like me in thought and (most) deed(s). That way would be so easy, but all the excitement of discovery and the fun of firsts and discovery would be gone. But I know that deep down it’s worthwhile to go out there and try. So I keep doing it and I keep paying the price. I fall off the horse and it takes longer to want to get back on. But I REALLY Like the horse.
    So you live with the fear and the worry that it’s not fine, that they aren’t really like that and things are going to turn any minute – maybe because it’s like predicting a movie – x-y-z happens so much so that’s how it is. Sure it’s self fulfilling. We get what we need right , not always what we want. Thing is I give up on that shit. I worry about the small stuff that I/he/we can fuck up on a daily basis. It’s easier to manage and so far he’s been surprising in that he isn’t falling into the routines I’ve gotten to recogonise in my dating history. He is keeping me on my toes. All anyone needs is a chance to prove you wrong, sometimes it’s way worth giving it to them.

    Comment by Amber — June 8, 2006 @ 10:53 am | Reply

  29. i’m dealing with a self fulfilling prophecy now. this guy i was pseudo seeing kept insisting i had a million other guys i was seeing and that i thought he was just around for my amusement, and that i would break his little heart.

    and then he’d be a dick. and then he crossed the line and decided to make a joke out of the fact i have scioliosis, tell everyone i’m an std infested slut, and yell over and over again while outside my window that i was a cold hearted bitch.

    and then he apologized and expects me to just be friends with him. and i know i’m right to not talk to him, at all. but i still feel like shit for being a total bitch to him whenever he tries to talk to me.

    that said? he’s one of those guys who flat out said he really liked me. and people wonder why i’m so fuckin cynical and untrusting.

    Comment by da buttah — June 8, 2006 @ 11:04 am | Reply

  30. pile: *snerk*

    thanks for that!

    clarity: i too enjoyed the fart post, makes me wish for a five year old of my very own. tragically that doesn’t seem to be in my personal deck of cards.

    regarding the partnership, you are truly correct. you can’t be sitting around wondering if your partner loves you or wants you or you get me and tr in the last year. lovers who became roommates.

    and i totally agree with you. the simple act of respecting yur partner will do more to keep you together than anything. manners and respect.

    but i’ve been in honeymoon phases and this is quite different. you don’t think in the honeymoon phase.

    jmai: that is the gift of my blog… this crazy ability to make everyone see themselves in it. don’t know how i do it but i like it. frankly i don’t see how you can hit your thirties and not do that. i mean if you’re single in your thirties you’ve gotten burned. it’s like inevitable.

    i don’t think you can say that there’s something wrong with you so much as that you have some walls that will come down when they are ready. oh you just said that :)

    yeah that guy was pretty amazing for that. he still has the ability to make me madder than anyone in under two minutes. i’ve decided not to speak with him anymore. he’s owed me a thousand bucks for ten years and somehow it’s more important that he buy a NEW (not new to him, NEW) than to pay me back. with that kind of respect i can see why he wants me back so badly (he really does… funny way of showing it ne?)

    ohhhhhhhhh chocolate… what’s funny is most of the chocolate advertised on tv is shite.

    Comment by sassinak — June 8, 2006 @ 12:16 pm | Reply

  31. amber: oh well put. that’s it exactly. no matter what you do you’re fucked :)

    well regarding your mcclam what does he do that lets you know he wants you around? like he must do SOMEthing right?

    it’s funny that tug of war between wanting someone to be different and challenging and yet simultaneously wanting them to be just like us. and figuring out if the things that bug you bug you for real or are just weird and require getting used to.

    yeah, i really like the horse too… makes it hard to resist.

    i think you’re right, there are some definite tried and true stories out there and it’s hard not to project them into our realities. i like your thought about the small daily struggles and the big ones will take care of themselves.

    elle: good lord girl, i remember now why i always dated older when i was your age. the boys your age do not seem to have a thimblefull of brains between them.

    you are not a bitch, he is a fucking moron. stickto your guns babe and leave him alone. next time he tries to talk say this “why would i speak with someone who attacks me in the most negative way imaginable whenever his little brain makes up some more crap that i’ve supposedly done? do us both a favour and get away from me… oh, and stay away from my fucking window.”

    or something like that.

    do accept his apology, don’t justify his actions by hanging out. don’t feel guilty for having self respect.

    do learn to open up more easily…

    i know, it’s an oxymoron but it’s still true

    *hugs* hon.

    Comment by sassinak — June 8, 2006 @ 12:34 pm | Reply

  32. Trust is a sticky one… For me, I still find it easier to just trust (life, the universe, and everything!) by default. Yes, I still get burned, but that’s just life. No pain, no gain, or some shit like that. I’d rather get burned occasionally than try to navigate a relationship without trust. But, that’s just me. I’ve been lucky in love (unlucky at cards!) for the most part, which makes it easier. Mostly, I think, because I trust myself – and therefore trust my intuition about the people in my life.

    People often behave the way they think they’re expected to. If you distrust your partner, then of course they’re going to find it easier to break that (non-existant) trust. In fact, every time I’ve had a partner who showed trust issues, it was invariably they who broke the trust. e.g. They thought I was cheating because they themselves were being tempted. Funny how that works. :)

    Hubris: Ya, analysis of my marriage had similar results. Didn’t really help the relationship much, but it sure did illustrate what we’d done wrong. Still, was (and am!) glad we went to therapy, cuz now it’s a lot easier to avoid those mistakes. Have a whole set of new ones to make in their place, lol! :p

    DaButtah: Wow, that dude sucks! You shouldn’t feel at all bad about completely ignoring him! Standing outside a window to profess your undying love is one (kinda spooky) thing, but standing out there to rant is an entirely different thing and (imho) warrants police involvement.

    Comment by Da Mute — June 8, 2006 @ 12:36 pm | Reply

  33. You know I get all sorts of emotional when you qupte Buffy!
    *sniff*

    Comment by Madame X — June 8, 2006 @ 12:44 pm | Reply

  34. DM: see i have cast my life to the universe because whenever i try to plan it laughs it’s fool head off at me. funnily enough this has given me more power to direct it and not less.

    that was unexpected.

    i’m perfectly willing to trust people, what’s hard is to let people in. i’m starting to wonder if that’s my instincts or if it’s my expectations. a certain part of me is fully aware that it trusts very very few people for real… and that i’m one of them :)

    the last partner i had that had trust issues got dumped for being unable to trust me, that was over a decade ago. he didn’t believe he was worth loving poor thing.

    madame: yeah, me too… can you tell me what ep that was? (2 bucks says you can!)

    Comment by sassinak — June 8, 2006 @ 1:05 pm | Reply

  35. If I am not mistaken…I think it is the ep where Buffy sacrifices her life for Dawn?

    Is the $2.oo Canadian?
    Just wondering.

    Comment by Madame X — June 9, 2006 @ 11:50 am | Reply

  36. madame: yup

    yup it is :)

    i can make it us if you like, the exhange is almost even these days

    Comment by sassinak — June 9, 2006 @ 12:09 pm | Reply

  37. Hey Sass!
    I’m gonna be on Canadian TV on Sunday.

    I don’t have a screen credit and you never see my face but still!

    The show’s called Creepy Canada…ever hear of it?

    Comment by Madame X — June 9, 2006 @ 12:46 pm | Reply


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