snapshots of an idle mind

June 16, 2006


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:08 pm

it’s funny the fallout my scales post has had. people that i talk to in day to day life are referencing it. it seems it’s going down as a classic. fair enough, that shit pisses me off and maybe it should be a classic.

*laughs as she imagines some doctor reading it and the comments at a conference*

there’s this man at the gym, we’ll call him salt. yes, you’ve heard of him before… more than once.

anyway i met him a while back and we exchanged names and chatted and grinned and then his friends noticed and got embarrassingly helpful and then we stopped talking to each other because it was weird.

then i didn’t see him for a few months. this was probably good because i was busy being in love with an ex friend who was busy leading me on [i’m not bitter at all *snerk*] and then i was busy recovering.

so a couple of months back i say ‘hi salt’ and he goes ‘hi uhhh climber girl…’ with an embarassed smile. and i can’t explain really but he actually got points for that.


because he didn’t pretend and then go find out. he copped to forgetting my name and looked embarrassed about it. so i go ‘i take it from that that you would like me to remind you of my name’ or whatever and then we chatted a little.

a couple of days later i see him again and he’s all ‘hi *sass* how are you today?’ and then he used my name like three times in five minutes… and when i commented that i hadn’t seen him in ages he said ‘that’s because you don’t climb on dayone and daytwos anymore….’

and i went to myself… hrm interesting, why does he want me to know that?

anyway i pay it no real mind except to notice that every time he sees me after that he takes great pains to use my name at least twice.

then i show up this week on monday to climb away my sorrows after telling the nice man that i couldn’t see him anymore and weirdy mcweird salt (while talking to a group which includes a very hot girl) throws his arm in the air and grins really wide and kinda waves.

like he looked surprisingly happy to see me.

and then they leave and he stays and chats for a bit… and then we end up at the other end of the gym together and talking some more.

and i’m starting to think i should invite him out for coffee…

but it’s so fucking hard to do that sort of thing especially in a place where you see someone all the time and i can’t shake the feeling that if he wanted to ask me out he would have already.

and then i think about those embarrassingly helpful friends and i wonder.

i’m not up for anything like that right now anyway but i do find his continued repeating of my name strangely adorable. i think it’s because he’s almost turning it into a private joke and not at all minding that i know he forgot my name.

maybe if i see him without his embarrassing friends…

maybe not

… probably not

have you ever loved someone helplessly?

known it was totally hopeless and loved them anyway?

what do you do? do you cut them from your life entirely or try and try to transmute your romantic love into sibling love?

it seems to me that no matter what you do in that situation you’re fucked.

i haven’t ever managed to be friends with someone i felt that way about, but then it’s only happened once or twice and in one case i didn’t have the balls to do anyhing about it and in the other he was a liar.

i suspect in the second case that if he hadn’t been a liar we would still be friends… maybe.

when i was eighteen a man fell hopelessly for me. hopeless because he was twenty years older than i and he knew all along it couldn’t happen. and then we were friends for years. like five or six or something and at a couple of points i asked him if i wouldn’t be better if we stopped being friends.

if that would be easier for him.

he said no and cried while he said it and thus we stayed friends. and never once did he look at me with anything other than romantic love. and to this day i wonder what would have been kinder, to stay friends with him or to cut him loose ruthlessly. [we lost each other because i moved a lot and eventually ‘forgot’ to tell him]

he told me that he was a big boy who could take care of himself, but i’m not sure that we’re rational in that situation. i’m certainly not.

it just makes me wonder is all…

that first guy i fell for hard that i didn’t have the balls to say anything? those feelings did eventually fade as i realised that he and i weren’t in fact suited to each other. it’s much harder with the second because the person he *seemed* to be was in fact perfection as a match for me.

unfortunately it turns out that he was only a shapeshifter without control.

ahhh shapeshifters. brutal people to know because they turn into whoever you want them to be… and the young ones don’t get that they’re doing it.

i know this because i am one, it’s just that i’ve learned to harness it and use my powers for good… well better anyway.

happy friday!



  1. uber-fucked

    Comment by Hubris Humility — June 16, 2006 @ 4:39 pm | Reply

  2. I can even picture you with a cape, and tall boots, and……………..

    Comment by Pyrhonik — June 16, 2006 @ 5:08 pm | Reply

  3. hubris: yeah there’s no winning is there?

    pyr: that implies a pic i have to post now…

    also love how you two have juxtaposed profile images

    Comment by sassinak — June 16, 2006 @ 11:30 pm | Reply

  4. the salt stuff? very cute. the repeating of your name is totally adorable.

    the other thing? yeah, uberfucked, as hubris so cleverly stated.

    at least, that’s been my experience. because even though i know damn well it’s all wrong… and even when i think i’m over those romantic feelings and really do feel nothing but platonic love… i am reminded that there’s still a stronger attraction for me.


    Comment by terry — June 17, 2006 @ 12:37 am | Reply

  5. Ditto Terry. I’ve had that too, and it’s a no win. I’ve had to cut them lose, and when I think I’ve finally got it under control and would hear from them again, it’s like I’m hiding from them how I really feel…probably not just hiding from them…trying to hide it from myself too. Sometimes I can fool myself, sometimes I can’t.

    It is really cute how he keeps using your name over and over. I like that.

    Comment by kathi — June 17, 2006 @ 2:41 am | Reply

  6. great post hon …

    as for the fallin’ in love with someone who doesn’t/can’t/won’t love you back … I just mask it and take what I can get out of it … but, then again, I’m a sucker ;)

    Comment by DZER — June 17, 2006 @ 4:00 am | Reply

  7. ummmm… no. major drag eh?

    Comment by Hubris Humility — June 17, 2006 @ 9:19 am | Reply

  8. I think there is something to be said for asking oneself why one fell in love with someone…maybe part of the attraction is the lack of reciprocity. Sometimes we are into the chase. And that doesn’t have to be something we do all the time….but maybe we are getting some reinforcement, even if negative. Dunno. But I think we have all loved someone and not been loved back. And while it is painful, it also teaches us plenty and it’s an experience that is worth going through. Learning to let go is a valuable lesson that will most likely come in handy in the future.

    I am just thinking about this off the top of my head…and it’s early. I can’t be held responsible. lol


    Comment by Natalia — June 17, 2006 @ 9:34 am | Reply

  9. terry: oh good i’m glad it’s not just me. i like it because it implies that he’s the kind of man who cops to his bad behaviour/mistakes.

    uberfucked… laaaaa. it’s true too. just because i don’t see that guy anymore doesn’t mean the feelings have left.

    they’re fading and getting put away somewhere but i can’t say they wouldn’t be back full force if i spent time with him again.

    i do think that falling for someone else works on that though… sometimes.

    kathi: it really is. so far my choices have always been cut them loose but i really think that if my most recent former friend had actually bothered to care about me AS a friend even a little that i would still be in there trying to be his friend too.

    but he doesn’t so i no longer choose to speak to him at all.

    that doesn’t make it easy… and it doesn’t make fooling yourself any easier… but at least the knowledge that he was *never* my friend makes it easier to fight so to speak.

    yeah kath, i like it too.

    dzer: thanks!

    that’s what my friend who was twenty years older than me did… and only he can say if that was worth it to him or not right?

    Comment by sassinak — June 17, 2006 @ 11:12 am | Reply

  10. dzer: or you… is it worth it in the end?

    hubris: yes.

    nat: you know it’s funny, in the first case i fell for him because it was safe and easy. and because no one wanted me anyway so at least i could tell myself that it was because i was emotionally unavailable.

    but i am the woman men befriend almost always. or assume i’m gay. or want as interim fuckbuddy. something about being tall and tough and no bullshit and muscles… so of the vanishingly small percentage who are actually into me i then have to find the even smaller percentage i’m into back. when that actually happens? look out.

    but so far it averages about once per five year period.

    as for the most recent one? i don’t know really. i didn’t actually notice him until one day he shifted into this person i couldn’t look away from. at the time i thought it was him becoming comfortable, now i think it was the inherent shapeshifter.

    and after that i’m not sure i had a chance… it was one of those drop just enough crumbs to keep her wondering but not so many that anyone can call you on it. sort of like those guys that walk the harassment line but never *quite* cross it.

    i’ve learned things about myself and about the kind of man i want AND about the kind of man i fall for and need to resist. but i’m not convinced it was a lesson in closure that my heart really needed. i was already feeling pretty closed you know?

    have i let go? no. am i letting go? yes.

    is my heart open and free? no. and i just did NOT need another brick in my personal wall, it was getting unbreakable as it was…

    be responsible… it was a great comment.

    Comment by sassinak — June 17, 2006 @ 1:54 pm | Reply

  11. falling for someone else definitely works.

    but i find that happening less and less as each year passes. i’m not sure if it’s them or if it’s me. or a combination….

    Comment by terry — June 17, 2006 @ 4:58 pm | Reply

  12. terry: yeah me too. the older i get the less dating there is. maybe the reason the stats get so bad after we turn thirty is that no one is willing to get that embarassed anymore?

    i really think it’s just that most couples meet in school :)

    Comment by sassinak — June 17, 2006 @ 5:44 pm | Reply

  13. hmmm shapeshifter…not sure if i am one. i’m going to go with “probably” seeing as i’m one guarded little biatch.

    alas, never had someone fall hopelessly for me, or vice versa. some things aren’t meant to be, i guess.

    Comment by da buttah — June 17, 2006 @ 6:22 pm | Reply

  14. I fell hopelessly for two different men……..neither of which were my ex-husband….strange, huh?

    Comment by Kristen — June 17, 2006 @ 8:49 pm | Reply

  15. “have you ever loved someone helplessly?

    known it was totally hopeless and loved them anyway?”

    Oh yeah, once in my past, I had to let it run it’s course….and i’m glad I did. And somedays I think i’m doing it right now….and again, I have to let it run it’s course, right now he needs me and i’m not about to leave because there’s a chance it still wont work out…

    Comment by debambam — June 18, 2006 @ 12:08 am | Reply

  16. elle: although from your blog i think we have a lot in common i can’t swear that you’re a shapeshifter. i lean toward it being not true. however, i haven’t met you and most of us don’t realise it until we’re a lot closer to thirty.

    so can we reserve judgement and wait and see? thing is under 25 you’re supposed to change constantly… it gets blurry

    well, i think you can’t discuss what’s meant to be or isn’t until you’re like a hundred… but i do get the temptation. i just now made some major decisions about my future with statements about meant to be… statements i regret a little.

    kj: not so much, i wasn’t hopelessly in love with my husband, i was in love with him. not the same at all. course he loved me back. can you only be hopeless if they don’t love you?

    deb: i let the first one run it’s course, the second i truncated and cut off when i discovered that i was the only friend in the pair.

    gosh do you really think you’re doing it right now? that’s really sad darlin’ and i truly hope it’s just menstrual hormones and not truth or something.

    i think you leave when it’s time and not before.

    Comment by sassinak — June 18, 2006 @ 2:06 am | Reply

  17. my friend I loved, I found working through the feelings completely honestly was the only way to…well, to work through them.

    He knew I loved him and I told him regularly. I would report the erotic dreams and we’d make a joke about it, we’d goof around with the idea.

    Not hiding it, not trying to disguise it as something else, not trying to change it is what helped me through it.

    At first I was angry that it wouldn’t work out, then sad, then bargaining…etc etc etc.

    I’ll always love him, but it’s not th agony it once was. Not even close.

    Comment by mightydoll — June 19, 2006 @ 9:26 pm | Reply

  18. md: i think that if my friend had been that kind of friend that i might have tried that. not that i remember my dreams, but the rest.

    and i did, to a certain extent, let him know. but i suspect that your friend was a safer person to do that kind of thing with… mine not so much.

    it’s too bad, i miss my imaginary friend.

    irony is that i never for a second thought it might work out and i was okay with it. until he started being less than truthful. so lame.

    have my feeling begun to fade? yes. is the trust gone? not enough. would my feelings rush back if he were around me? can’t say… that would be predicting the future and i leave that to the universe.

    funny thing i’m thinking of writing a blog letter.

    Comment by sassinak — June 20, 2006 @ 12:32 am | Reply

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