snapshots of an idle mind

July 6, 2006

accessorize!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 4:20 pm

.
perhaps you’ve noticed that lately there are only two super cool accessories for the hot hollywood starlet. okay three if you count dogs in a purse. it’s one of either a baby or a significantly younger man.

now myself and a couple of ladies were walking along recently and this subject came up… not regarding starlets per se, just that more and more women we know are hooking up with men who aren’t actually in their ‘age bracket’ and then we started to speculate.

the end result of our speculation goes something like this:

we are the lost generation we folks between twenty nine and forty two. we were raised by mothers from the nineteen fifties during the sexual revolution and just when it got to be our turn for the free love and ganja?

yeah hiv showed up. so this free love thing we’d been hearing about? gone just as it got to be time for us to enjoy it.

needless to say this left us a little befuddled. if you throw in that that is also the time period in which women’s liberation took some enormous strides you get a generation of people who have no idea how to date.

i think this is especially hard on many of the men my age. if they go by the fifties rulebook then they should court us and woo us with pretty words and trinkets. they should die for a flash of cleavage and hope only for a kiss.

and sex? good gracious me, no sex please! not until we’re married and then only with the lights off!

or they go by the seventies rulebook in which case they should basically say “*deep voice* heyyyy… wanna fuck?” and we should effectively want to dive into bed. but take sex seriously? monogamy? caring for your partner?

not important, love is free and should be shared with everyone.

of course then there’s the eighties rule book… um. yeah. what rule book? sex is going to kill you, love is for the birds, everyone divorces. basically if you don’t meet your mate at school or work you’re fucked (or not fucked as the case may be). courtship is nonexistent and people seem to hook up mostly by accident or booze.

i think this time can best be described as dominated by the alpha male and the power shouldered female.

which brings us to now.

who has any idea what rulebook to play in?

what rulebook their potential mate is playing in?

any idea of how to flirt without being desperate or simpering or easy?

NO ONE!

our mothers and our culture raised us to believe that there is a knight in shining armour for everyone and that nice girls learned to cook and sew. at the same time gloria steinem and her cohorts were shouting women’s liberation from the rooftops.

we were strong and powerful and we could change the world! we could do anything we wanted EXCEPT stay home and have babies. that was for those other women, the unfortunates, the ones who didn’t have this lovely liberation that we had.

we could have careers and power. who needed men??

incidentally this is why i can swing a sledgehammer, change my oil, start a fire when it’s thirty below and windy, invent peppercorn sauce off the top of my head AND sew on a button. *grin*

this, of course, led to discussion of the men our age and we concluded that any of the ones left single at this point basically haven’t matured with us. that they don’t know how to handle a strong and independent woman and that they definetely don’t know how to ask them out or court them.

hrm i don’t like this term matured. basically they’re as fucked as we are just in a different way.

combine this with a generation of women who don’t know how to be courted and what do you get?

right… a massive slump in population growth. in other words, we ain’t making babies… and that’s a fact.

then i got to talking about a woman i know who is eighteen years old. she and i were discussing men one day and i was telling her how proud i was for asking some man out. and she stared at me. no earthly idea what i was talking about. why on earth is this a big deal?

so i explained that in my day the girls who asked out the boys were “those” girls and NO ONE wanted to be one of THOSE girls. i mean ew! and she laughed and said ‘i asked my first boyfriend out… and we were together for two years.’

i asked out my first man at THIRTY THREE! (real asked out, not engineered hanging out.)

so her generation has no worries. they don’t care who does the asking or the courting. the dance has reverted to mutuality. lovely.

and then my ladies and i realised. these men that are 25 and 28 and 23? they grew up with the notion of strong women. to them the idea of a woman who simpers and doesn’t have any power makes no sense. however the women their age seem a little unformed because they’re still dealing with the backlash from my generation.

and suddenly all these older woman/younger man combinations that we’d been hearing about made so much more sense.

it isn’t anyone’s fault, we’re just in the middle of a cultural shift and my generation can’t handle it. funny that this also explains why so many men MY age are dating women who are twenty five and forty eight. same shift. those women they know how to handle.

ahhh got to love watching evolution.

it’s going to be interesting to see where this takes us. possibly into some really stable new relationship models.

possibly… not.

we’ll see :)

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42 Comments »

  1. I AM FIRST. I RULE ALL.

    *snoopydance*

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — July 6, 2006 @ 4:56 pm | Reply

  2. I don’t know that I ever played by the rules in the whole male/female interaction…or on anything really. I was never one to play damsel in distress or to play coy or to hide what I felt. I don’t know. The games are like are chess and scrabble. So I am not sure I was born in the right era. Some of the 30 somethings still kinda have their own ideas about femininity. Asking men out rules if they are mature about it and don’t assume that because you ask you are begging for it. It’s such a weird double-standard. But some women still play right into it. Some of us break the molds. I have had men tell me even after breaking up that I changed the way they saw male/female dynamics…that’s pretty damn cool. And I think you are a strong independent quirkyalone. And you don’t just take up with just any old guy. So woohoo for asking the guy out and all…and…yeah…I think I am done…I just can’t stop tyoing cause I am in a groove….

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — July 6, 2006 @ 5:01 pm | Reply

  3. I’m still pissed that I missed the whole free love era. It sounds like so much fun at least for a minute. I don’t ever remember a time in my sexual subconscience without AIDS. I guess that’s what the 70’s gave us.

    I’ve often wondered about women our age and dating. It seems that many of my friends neither married nor had children (not that it’s too late). Your explanation is dead on.

    I have noticed that many young twenty something guys have no trouble letting me know that they are interested in me. I was sure that it was because they knew that I was “safe” being married. I never seemed to have men approaching me telling me outright what they thought when I was single. Younger guys don’t have the stigmas that guys our age do.

    I say you should find yourself a young 20 something and go with it! :)

    Comment by SignGurl — July 6, 2006 @ 7:23 pm | Reply

  4. My best friend and I talk about this stuff all the time. When we were in our late 20s, early 30s, it was as if we were so intimidating to guys our own age…As one guy put it to my friend, “My girlfriend tells me all the time, ‘You’re so smart!!’, but you would never say that.” It gave us the impression that we were too much of a challenge. We dated older guys who were just looking for a “younger woman” to have in their pocket. She ended up marrying a man 6 years younger than her, whom she trained, who had always “looked up to her”, but now that they’re married…

    I was always the one to ask guys out. Not because I was “one of those girls”, but because guys never asked me out. Finally, in my mid-30s, I asked out an older guy who I thought was interested, and 4 years later we were married. He says he never would have asked me out–he’s an OR nurse, I’m a surgeon. (I’m also anon from a few days ago :) )

    I think you are right in that relationships, men and women, don’t really know what the roles/expectations of the other are today. You just have to get out there, and give it a shot!!

    I also found it interesting that just before my wedding, it was only the married men that were talking about “what a loss” it was that I was getting married–as if they were going to offer an alternative.

    Sassinak, I love your blog!!

    Comment by Gut Chick — July 6, 2006 @ 7:46 pm | Reply

  5. I’m still trying to figure out how to date and without coming across as too independant and standoffish

    Comment by Kristen — July 6, 2006 @ 10:10 pm | Reply

  6. I dont like to think of my other half (well they are imaginary as of now…but still…) as an accessory
    :(

    But I agree there are huge gaps in generations and values…

    Comment by HuneeB — July 7, 2006 @ 12:04 am | Reply

  7. *proclamation mode*

    nat is the ruler of all.

    *end proclamation mode*

    *clears throat*

    nat: i don’t know that i ever have either. it’s mostly always been a friends falling for each other thing, a meet and just know thing, or an online meeting that led to real life meeting reasonably quickly. and i don’t mean okcupid. i mean irc and bbses and stuff.

    anyway, i don’t know how to be a damsel in distress, if i don’t know what to do i start trying to figure it out. i like pool, euchre, backgammon, cribbage and scrabble best of all. everything else is second best :)

    that’s what i’m saying, some of the men our age got that whole fifties indoctrination and some got the seventies and some got the eighties and yeah. messiness. the double standard sucks and it’s hard not to fall into it. you’re either needy or clingy or you’re standoffish and cold. *laughs ruefully*

    i am all of those things it’s true, and i suspect only another one will do it for me. and dude? that’s one of the best compliments i could imagine getting from an ex. ever.

    god i suck at courtship… how does everyone do it? asking men out, there should be a class.

    sign: me TOO! i was going to have all the sex and then it was snatched away before i got to even taste it. i think it’s made a bunch of us sexually fucked too.

    aids was always there. from when i was thirteen, so before i ever had a boyfriend.

    i think i’m right about my explanation and it makes me sad, it also makes me feel better for my little cougar tendency *grin* … there is something refreshing about the way the next decades are handling it. it’s getting saner all the time it looks like.

    sign i have no objection to large age differences ;>

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 12:04 am | Reply

  8. gut chick: i might tell a guy i think he’s smart, but not in an awed way, in an appreciative way. hrm. that came out wrong. nothing is coming out right today. anyway i might note something particularly clever but i won’t just randomly say ‘wow you’re smart oohhh ahhhh’ :)

    i’ve been told i’m too challenging myriad times, and that if i wanted a man i needed to change myself. i reject these ideas. i don’t want anyone who wants not the real me. even the older guys aren’t really after me. unless they’re way older. wait no, in my late twenties i dated a 44 year old. sorry my bad. you’re right. [damm that marriage sounds like it’s hitting a growth spurt]

    it’s really funny how proud i was of asking that guy out! :) finally chucked the high school stigma.

    hi anon, nice new nick and welcome to our corner of blogland!

    yeah it’s amazing how the married men came out of the woodwork when i got married. it was like i joined a swingers club. i was kinda offended. god that’s a long time ago now.

    thank you!

    kj: word. i think i make them think i don’t like them by being too straight forward about everything but my feelings.

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 12:10 am | Reply

  9. LOVE this post.

    I agree, Sass. There’s this gap that’s incredibly apparent in the 30s men. I don’t see it as much in the women, but the men…definitely. I have this tendency to go for dudes at least 6 years older than me and you can almost see the battle they fight in themselves between being chivalrous and being Barry White. It’s incredible, really.

    Unfortunately, none of those situations have worked out for me, and all because it was their problem. They admitted it! “It’s my problem, not yours.” And I know that’s so cliche, but…I believed them.

    I dunno, it’s an intriguing dating world we’ve got on our hands nowadays.

    Comment by pure novelty — July 7, 2006 @ 12:14 am | Reply

  10. Oy! And! Their problems tended to blossom because of my independence — from the fact that I was too put together for them. It was almost like they needed a simpering idiot on their arm to make it work.

    Comment by pure novelty — July 7, 2006 @ 12:16 am | Reply

  11. T I agree with you on that one…isn’t it frustrating!

    You just want to grab them and say what the F’ is your problem? Grow up! You are too old to be this stupid!

    *ahem* uhh sorry :)

    Comment by HuneeB — July 7, 2006 @ 12:24 am | Reply

  12. I love your posts Sass. You always hammer a nail on the head. One of your many talents. Somehow I think you could do that for a living and make it lucrative!

    Comment by Pyrhonik — July 7, 2006 @ 12:37 am | Reply

  13. novelty: thank you. it really came from three of us but seemed worth sharing. i’ll have to get them to read it.

    that’s EXACTLY what i mean. lancelot vs barry white. that’s it right there. and it’s almost impossible to handle with any usefulness because they don’t know what they want often. i think the teens of today are starting to get the things working better again though. we’ll have to see.

    i’ve decided that if someone says it’s their problem? it is. much easier on me.

    yeah yeah that’s it. like how to handle a woman who will change her tire without calling for rescue. but then at the same time we sort of want to be rescued right?

    hunee: heh don’t apologise.

    but remember ladies, we’re fucked up too. that’s why everyone is SO frustrated.

    i saw a great quote today ‘in any long term dispute, both parties are wrong’

    pyr: i sort of think so too, i just don’t know how to market it.

    my sister says i’m a master of stating the obvious.

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 12:39 am | Reply

  14. It is frustrating, Hunee, only because you wish you could snap them out of it, you know? But it’s their lesson to learn.

    You’re completely right, Sass. It tends to whittle down to them not really knowing what they want. In my personal opinion, not knowing what you want is a clear sign that you don’t want anything. I dunno, that’s kind of the road I’ve taken because it’s what I’ve seen.

    AND! You ever notice that it’s always black and white? There’s no gray, no in between. It either is or it isn’t…which I think is why they never know what they want, there’s no compromise.

    Woo, ranting! Anyway, I do agree that both the men and women of today are great contributors to the dating conundrum. Hopefully we can all get over it soon because I think a lot of us kinda like the other sex!

    Comment by pure novelty — July 7, 2006 @ 12:46 am | Reply

  15. I don’t know, I’m older than you and I’ve been asking men out since I was a teenager. Maybe its because I grew up in the big city?

    Still, I highly recommend the older woman/younger man combo. Younger men have lots to offer!

    I remember once walking with a colleague of mine who was about 14 years younger than me. We came to a door and I waited for him to open it for me. He opened it, walked through and the door closed in my face! Totally different set of expectations. I found it kind of refreshing actually.

    Comment by clarity — July 7, 2006 @ 2:12 am | Reply

  16. hmm … so I should be asking out 50 year olds then? LOL

    Comment by DZER — July 7, 2006 @ 4:28 am | Reply

  17. novelty: that’s one of the hardest things to learn there is… that you can’t control what someone else does.

    i know a lot of women like that as well. helpful for me is that i have quite a good idea what i want… not details (like i don’t care about eye colour or height or whatever) but more… needs (like brains, or the ability to get my brain going, or bringing out the best in me or whatever)

    i don’t know if i can say it’s always black and white but there’s defintely a large category like that.

    i love the opposite sex, so yeah, that would be nice.

    clarity: you’re a special chick already but i wonder if it’s because you’re just enough older than me that you hit the sexual revolution at the tail end. wonder not know. :)

    of course you recommend it :P [she has her man by twelve years] *giggle*

    rofl. that’s hilarious. hilarious.

    i miss manners though, i hold doors if i get tehre first…. you can hold them if you get there first.

    dzer: do you LIKE fifty year olds?

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 7:04 am | Reply

  18. I am going right to the senior citizen home to fnid a new date…depends is where it’s at baby….

    Comment by Casually Me — July 7, 2006 @ 9:48 am | Reply

  19. I too have never really had difficulty asking men out, and I’m not THAT much younger than you.

    I think you’re just pursuing the wrong guys, personally. They all sound like dicks.

    Comment by mightydoll — July 7, 2006 @ 11:38 am | Reply

  20. cas: oh man *shudder*

    and with that i know for certain that i’ll do pilates FOREVER!

    md: i wonder if it comes from the kind of school you attended. mine was kinda old fashioned, we’re so snotty and wanna be high class… and i think we’re in a time when it’s all in flux so things that are that simple will make a difference.

    as for at least that last one you know of, you’re right. and several others besides :) but not all of them were dicks.

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 11:42 am | Reply

  21. Great post Sass, a lot of what you’ve said resonates deeply with my experience. I’ve been having a LOT of conversations with ladies our age about JUST THIS VERY THING, and I am still not sure I know what is going on. Is it really a generational thing, or just something with the ‘leftover’ part of our generation?
    Do you think that it may just be that, as a generation ages, the group of eligible leftovers just becomes thicker and thicker with the more generally confused folk?
    The more difficult/quirky/clueless folk?

    Maybe the 20-somethings just have a wider range of personalities still available for browsing? I dunno.

    I’m one of these people who have jumped into the 20-something pool, and it’s been a real eye-opener. I used to think a large age gap was insurmountable, and have been fascinated at how wrong I was. I try not to interact with my new young-un pals like an anthropologist, but it’s hard. I do think that the youngsters have a healthier, and perhaps more open, looser attitude towards relations with all sexes. Definitely less stressed about certain things (like sex and who asks who) than our generation has been.
    Still, I’m not entirely sure that the differences I am seeing with my gal are based on her generation, or just on her particular personality. There are definitely weirdo 20-somethings out there.

    Anyway, I’ve DEFINITELY felt your ‘stuck in cultural transition’ confusion over the years, and I love how you’ve put it in the post. Interested to hear more musing about this!

    Johnny

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — July 7, 2006 @ 12:24 pm | Reply

  22. Is it weird how any older woman asking out younger men can be called a ‘Cougar’. AND how being a Cougar still has a sort of stigma. Why?!

    ARE you a Cougar?

    Dude, you HAVE to unleash your inner Cougar!
    Put together your best Cougaring outfit and go on the prowl!! Drag those fresh young bucks back to your new den! Say, put together a couple of outfits, take pictures, and let us vote for the “Most Dangerous Cougary Outfit Award”! Use the outfit for Hallowe’en!!

    Comment by Johnny Canuck — July 7, 2006 @ 12:37 pm | Reply

  23. ROFL,…The cougaring comment had me rolling on the floor….

    Go get a young one sassi!~

    Comment by Puffin — July 7, 2006 @ 3:52 pm | Reply

  24. Man, I’m glad I found someone when I was young.

    I don’t know what to say other than – find someone you feel comfortable with. Someone that makes you smile.

    The age thing, I don’t really see it as an issue, but I can see how your upbringing can cause you some weird feelings about being with a young’n.

    Comment by Matt Vella — July 7, 2006 @ 4:01 pm | Reply

  25. Sass,

    Why is it that your always right?? Oh yeah cause your the smart one.

    PS You wrote this post at 4:20 I love it.

    tasha

    Comment by Anonymous — July 7, 2006 @ 4:05 pm | Reply

  26. johnny: well we’re the exact same age practically so fair enough. it’s funny that these conversations are sprouting up all over, there must be a cosmic shift happening or something.

    i think it’s with the leftovers. a lot of people got their social skills in high school and are finding that those carry through no trouble. others met mates AT school and thus are carried through. but when my mom was young they had a zillion activities for young singles to do in groups and we don’t really have that anymore.

    well there’s bars but *shudder*

    i think you have a point for certain, but i also feel that changing mores and attitudes have made this generation a little more fucked in the leftover department than usual. population statistics bear me out on this.

    i recall when you jumped into the twenty something pool and you had some definite reservations about it. i’m glad to see you’ve overcome them because your lady friend is awesome.

    oh man i SO know what you mean about the anthropologist or wise auntie thingy.

    i’ve noticed that healthier attitude myself and it gives me a lot of hope. we fucked it all up but they’re fixing it and more power to them! our generation is fucked… the women in it are the last of the sit on our hands and wait generation.

    thanks, i’m glad it’s not just me.

    johnny redux: FUCKING RIGHT!

    and no one thinks it odd AT ALL when a forty year old man dates a 22 year old woman. but date a guy even three years younger?
    “cradle robber”
    “cougar”

    i have to be a cougar… apparently the definition is ‘divorced woman who dates younger men’ and i’ve dated lots of those…

    i know what outfit you’re thinking of! well i know at least ONE outfit you’re thinking of. why am i suddenly envisioning myself in a leopard print evening gown?

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 5:53 pm | Reply

  27. puffin: me too dude, me too.

    you know they have to like me BACK right?

    matt: and you should be, especially cause your lady sounds awesome and just suited to you.

    i think my nana has it right, i’ve just added ‘must be able to talk all day and still want to talk more… but not need to all the time’

    smiling… ahh smiling is nice. so is some mental stimulation though.

    hey i don’t care really, but it does feel a little strange and what feels stranger is that it doesn’t feel strange. um so not english.

    tasha: aw thanks :)

    yes, that’s when i posted it to the minute! (and then ran out to work)

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 6:05 pm | Reply

  28. I’ll take the younger man and the purse, but without the dog. Hold the baby please.

    I’ve never been much of a follower though. Maybe that’s why I’ve not gone anywhere, lol…kidding.

    hugs

    Comment by kathi — July 7, 2006 @ 7:09 pm | Reply

  29. kathi: i wouldn’t mind a baby but i’ve decided that if the universe wants me to have children? then i will. until then *I* ain’t worryin’ about it.

    :)

    you’ve gone where you needed to so far, why stop now? :)

    *huggs*

    Comment by sassinak — July 7, 2006 @ 7:42 pm | Reply

  30. oy, i didn’t actually walk out of class today. my compressor blew a valve yesterday and the boys were bringing me a ‘loaner’ this morning. they said they’d be there 10:30 to 11:00 and they were waiting in the hallway when i got up to the office.

    as to your post about changing: o.k. do me a favour, do some people watching on the street. if you see a man paying a great deal of attention to the woman he is walking with on the street, turning towards her when she speaks, it’s because he hasn’t had the opportunity to ‘bed’ her. otherwise, men who have managed to conquer this item on their agenda do not turn their heads towards their companion of the opposite sex when she is speaking. they are busy visually cruising the potential tidbits in their vicinity.

    am i cynical? not at all. i am observant.

    the longer a man is with any one woman, the more he totally ignores her in public. sometimes to hilarious extremes. you just have to watch and learn. men are testosteronally programmed. they are hard wired. the more variety they get, the higher their testosterone levels. it’s addictive in an evolutionary way. it is a fact that men who have sex with a variety of partners maintain higher levels of blood testosterone levels. the ones who stay at home with wifey and change the diapers of junior have testosterone levels that totally bottom out. (no wonder with all the new age dads there’s all this viagra business. or is that because men are sitting on their overheated backsides for too many hours every day?)

    all this stuff about men ‘bonding’ with their newborns is piffle of the worst sort. what man wants their testosterone levels to take a major hit because they are ‘bonding’ with the squalling infant whose mouth is constantly seeking nipple? arghhhhhh. gimme a break. sigh.

    btw i am considering going to Afrofest tomorrow evening. anyone else considering this? it’s at Queen’s Park. (this after my weekly donkey sh*t shovelling expedition that is.) i know you like something like heavy metal? but a bit of African vibes might be a nice alternative.

    Comment by gabriella — July 7, 2006 @ 7:42 pm | Reply

  31. Yeah I got my own whole theory on the younger man thing….Women hit their sexual peak later than men…..so really it’s just a matching of sex drives! Given enough thought time, most things that we do as humans can be brought back to a biological/cave man theory :)

    Comment by debambam — July 8, 2006 @ 2:01 am | Reply

  32. if it’s matching of sex drives, then why isn’t it the matching of fertility? if it would be something that goes back to the cave man, then you’d think the process would maximize reproductive capability.

    Comment by gabriella — July 8, 2006 @ 6:46 am | Reply

  33. Of course mental stimulation should be part of the package. It is the package, even.

    By making you smile I mean like, you’re sitting there by yourself and think about this person and what you experienced last time you were together and you can’t help but smile.

    Of course the obvious laughter and humor type smile, without that – meh.

    Then there’s the smile that can only come from severe sexual / sensual attraction.

    The smile you give someone when you feel close and comfortable.

    Or you see him across the room interacting with others at some social type thing and you smile because that’s how it makes you feel.

    Like that.

    Comment by Matt Vella — July 8, 2006 @ 10:25 am | Reply

  34. gabi: gabi: i have a drum circle tonight so i can’t go… though i’m tempted to bail cause it’s ALSO the street festival.

    no worries, i know you well enough by now not to worry if stuff like that happens. if you leave there’s a reason.

    wait wait, who said anything about changing? the last guy i was into was 27, trust me, i’m fully aware of my ‘cougar’ tendencies, i just think it’s interesting that i seem to be part of a societal norm almost.

    now i agree with your observations in some ways but not in others. my parents walk down the street holding hands and goosing each other. they also recently celebrated their fortieth anniversary and i do mean celebrated. i don’t think that staying in love forever is the norm either but it’s just as possible as this public indifference… i think they’re two ends of something that tends more to a middle.

    now i think there are men who are definetely players but i think that hrm… best example i can give is that i think there are two kinds of people … the ones who stay in the same place forever and the ones who wander forever. both of these have the capacity to move and the itchy footed one has the capacity to set down roots. i think in this way genetic diversity is propagated.

    so i wonder if the player versus faithful spouse thing is the same sort of thing? [re viagara? if you don’t exercise why do you expect the equipment to keep working? your car breaks down if you don’t change the oil…]

    by the way? i play a djembe and prefer dancing to african or cuban music :P *grin*

    Comment by sassinak — July 8, 2006 @ 10:36 am | Reply

  35. gabi: though i was a metalhead when i was younger…

    deb: i’ve heard this whole sexual peak theory and i always wonder if it’s hormones or confidence. women have to grow confident and men have to become less cocky. both are at their highest respectively at about 35 and 18… :)

    also? we’re all animals whether we like it or not. :)

    gabi: yeah i’m with you on that one. it should almost be the other way around if it’s a biological imperative. i mean women hit their so called peak when they were dead in caveman days.

    matt: yup. that’s it, if my brain isn’t hungry for you then wtf is the point?

    i like your defined smiles, and all of them are good. i think probably there’s the first one first and the others come with time.

    and yeah, i wonder what comes first, the dating or the smiling :)

    Comment by sassinak — July 8, 2006 @ 10:40 am | Reply

  36. Gabriella: So true!!

    I have never heard of the “Cougar” label before, and agree that there seems to be no comparable term for old men-young women. “Dirty old man” is not the same thing, but “Gold-digger” is very common. Seems women can’t win for losing.

    Also, I remember some vague thoughts about when Viagra started being advertised about how everyone was so frantic about that pill “RU-486” because it might result in promiscuity for women. Where are those comments about Viagra/Levitra/Enzyte!!!!!!!

    Comment by gut chick — July 8, 2006 @ 11:00 am | Reply

  37. On another vein, when I was 14 (and in my 20’s), I was very focused on finding a mate who was tall and blonde and handsome (of course). One of my dear friends (an older guy) (who by the way is no longer allowed to speak to me since he’s married), laughed at me about this (when I was 14) and told me that I would end up with a guy who is 5’7″ (I’m 5’9″), pot-bellied and balding, but would make me feel wonderful about myself. Of course, I scoffed!!

    Flash forward 20 years. My husband is 5’9″ and everything else my friend described–plus he’s 11 years my senior!! He makes me laugh daily and is a life-partner. I was dating a younger guy at the time I started seeing my husband-to-be, there was no comparison!!

    Sass–the right one is out there for you. You’ll find him when you least expect it!!!! :)

    Comment by gut chick — July 8, 2006 @ 11:10 am | Reply

  38. cougaring…that’s excellent…

    it’s funny. when i was younger, i thought we’d broken all the rules. i was one of those people who was taught that i could do anything i wanted to, in any arena, and because i tended to be quite outspoken and smarter than most of the guys around me… well, i didn’t date a lot.

    then i fell in love and got stuck in what turned out to be a farce for, oh, 15 years.

    i came out of that, still thinking that there were no rules… and BOY was i wrong. it’s really been shocking to me to find that so many people my age, older than me, and especially younger than me, adhere to what i think is an archaic set of rules and roles.

    but i tend to believe that when it’s right, there are no rules.
    perhaps i’m naive, but i’d LIKE to believe that..

    Comment by terry — July 8, 2006 @ 2:30 pm | Reply

  39. gut: does your new handle have to do with the gut people used to sew with?

    you haven’t ever heard the term cougar? oh man, i’ve had it applied to me since i was twenty nine or thirty. more than once by different people in different scenarios. i don’t get it, i thought i was an equal opportunity boy crazy lady.

    women can’t win for losing. *sigh*

    oh wow, i never even made that connection, i notice a lot of those connections but i missed that one, thanks for pointing it out.

    i tend not to start talking about the state of women’s medicine, too much ranting. feel free to write a column on it and i’ll post it though :)

    gut chick redux: i’ve never really been that particular. even back in early dating days i’ve gone for a wide range of looks. the tall and slender thing seems kind true but i’ve gone for short and chubby guys too… [why can’t he speak to you? too threatening?]

    i think maybe that age really has nothing to do with it, we just use it as a general identifier. other things matter so much more.

    well maybe the right one isn’t out there for me, maybe there’s more than one and maybe there isn’t any. it’s all good though right?

    terry: is it a common term in san fran also?

    that paragraph describes me exactly. it’s just that none of my relationships have lasted two years so i’ve had a few more than you… with very long (and getting longer) droughts in between.

    there are amazing amounts of rules and no one knows what they are anymore. it must have been really strange for you, assuming the dating fields were relatively sane and finding this.

    and yes it’s archaic, but still we don’t know what to do.

    and when it’s right? there are no rules. but that’s not the only right there is.

    Comment by sassinak — July 9, 2006 @ 3:24 am | Reply

  40. The problem is the rules and that are impossible to decipher. Some younger guys think they can play it however they want. Old school, pimp/playa or new age. Older guys too. I think the fear of the independent woman is universal for some kinds of men. Mainly the ones seeking a woman to be their self esteem. That’s what makes you an accessory. Mind you girls do it too, look for someone to be their self esteem.

    I’m just looking for a good guy, which entails curbing my sex drive long enough to actually get to know if someone is worth while. By worth while I mean someone I can talk to, who has a brain and isn’t a total bore/boar. I think my standards may be impossible to meet. Right now it seems that way.

    Comment by Amber — July 9, 2006 @ 12:28 pm | Reply

  41. i’d never heard of cougaring before. i love it, though.

    and you’re so right — few people even seem to have the same rule book.

    it’s a miracle anyone gets together.

    Comment by terry — July 9, 2006 @ 3:16 pm | Reply

  42. amber: i think you’re right to specify SOME kinds of men. i would want no one to think that anyone regarding this post was doing anything but broad generalisations.

    and i also think that you’re right about the self esteem, i’ve seen so many couples get together for that and i wonder what happens when one of them grows some self esteem.

    what i’ve seen is that those coples then split up.

    you know… that’s the same guy i’m looking for. the one that makes my brain feel like candy… and whose brain is like candy to me. or someone i can be best friends with.

    terry: unleash your inner cougar. if nothing else the eye candy is delightful.

    that’s how i feel, i can’t really imagine how anyone gets together anymore… it’s baffling.

    Comment by sassinak — July 9, 2006 @ 4:41 pm | Reply


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