snapshots of an idle mind

July 12, 2006

toxins

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 10:56 am

.
oddest conversation that i’ve had in a long while:

scene: sass and random guy approach each other on the street. they make eye contact and as she half smiles he speaks.
anon: oh my god! please tell me you’re straight!
sass: why yes, yes i am.
anon: *makes sound of relief*
*keeps walking and says no more*

i mean what??
.

so i’m having a strange sort of realisation.

i’m not fat.

hold on hold on, i get that that’s been obvious for a while, but there’s more to this than that. not only am i not fat but i have been not fat for a while now. i mean you can’t possibly be fat and take pictures like the ones i posted on monday.

NOT POSSIBLE.

so while this is having an extraordinarily excellent effect on my body confidence it’s also causing a little bit of an unexpected ripple down effect.

you know what this means?

yeah, now upon what do i place blame for my gross failure with men?
.

hey last night was the official first night of summer.

why you ask?

no covers all night!

mmmmm i love summer!
.

okay back to the fat thing. for the last three years i’ve told myself that the reason no man wanted me was because i was fat.

and while i knew deep down that that couldn’t be it i also knew that i had so much other crap to deal with that it wasn’t worth worrying about and i spent a good chunk of that time period recovering from tr and my accident and falling for former friend and being led on and then recovering from that.

so i just sort of kept this idea in my head that i was fat and that that made me unnattractive and thus men didn’t want me.

and please don’t lecture me about getting my self esteem from men, i get that from inside myself and it’s growing steadily. there is nothing wrong with wanting to date (or to get laid) or to hang out with someone you’re attracted to.

that shit is FUN.

also it gets the proverbial juices flowing and that sort of thing makes you more creative and in a lot of ways it just makes you strive to be more or better. [ah-ha, there’s my nana again with her ‘marry someone who brings out the best in you’]

i always get so much done when i’m feeling like that. more than that i read better books, i have more energy, i watch less television, i try new things, i need less sleep and i want less toxic food.

this is pretty damm excellent stuff.

now sure, after three years and one brief attempt at dating one guy i’m making my peace with the idea that the boys aren’t generally interested in me… but still, i was blaming it on my fat.

you know, the fat that isn’t there. yeah.

and then yesterday, i read kj’s blog and she talks about how some man says to her ‘you can have any man you want’ and i want to punch him. i really do. do you have ANY IDEA how much i hear that? how often i’m told that i’m just the woman guys want?

by men who DO NOT WANT ME?

and before someone comments that that isn’t true? if they know me enough to know i want to date and enough to have that conversation then we’re friends and thus you don’t find me intimidating cause you already know me and could most likely make a move.

it is from my friends that most moves come unfortunately. unfortunate because it’s never quite the right friend or the right time. and most often (i stress most and not ALL) the people that are my friends and fall for me are doing it because i am a safe person for them to love while other bullshit is happening around them.

i’ve had men i was into give me laundry lists of their dream girl. a list i fit to an utter and perfect tee except for the part where i’m tall and not tiny. these same men have pointed out women who are me only tiny and informed me that those women were hotties.

those women who are ripped, climb, have brown curly hair and curves… etc. and i’m just fed up with it.

i’m tired of being told i’m everything any man would want when hardly anyone does.

i’m tired of being the chick they ogle but never ask out.

i’m tired of being advice girl.

i don’t need any more friends that are men, it already looks like i’m with someone eighty five percent of the time when i go out… and you know if a man and a woman are standing together they must be married. i swear i’m getting a ‘he likes the cock’ t-shirt to wear with pile…!

i’m tired of sleeping alone every night.

i’m tired of cooking for one and trying to stay inspired to do so.

i’m tired of the single supplement i have to pay constantly because i have no one to share expenses with or even food (seriously WHO can eat that much asparagus before it rots??).

i’m tired, most of all, of being the safety friend. the woman you have around to make you feel good about yourself but never ever about herself.

i’m tired of being too much, not enough or somehow flawed

and most of all?

i’m really fucking tired of ‘you could have any man you want’

REALLY? then where the fuck is he?

[for the record, yes, people have wanted me in that three years but were ever and always not a match. and if you don’t believe me i can give you proof]

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42 Comments »

  1. I totally hear you on this front sass.

    I’m ALWAYS the friend, the buddy, the safety guy to scare away the assholes, who can be shoed away when a potential non-asshole guy comes along.

    At least you do have a lot of things going for you. Try hitting the Italian sectors of Toronto ;)

    As for me, I’m doomed to forever be the “great guy” who the only people who say they are attracted to live thousands upon thousands of miles away.

    *sigh*

    Comment by DZER — July 12, 2006 @ 11:08 am | Reply

  2. Sassalicious,

    Awesome post. I think this is one of the first ones I’ve read of yours that leaks a bit of vulnerability. You’re such a strong soul, and seeing this…

    I know, it gets really tough. People say you’ll find someone, that you’re a great person and you could have whoever you want and you’re like…yeah, well, everyone I’ve wanted hasn’t wanted me back so WHAT NOW BITCHES!

    Heh. I’ve been trying to piece together why I’ve been the safety friend and I don’t know if there’s more of a reason than it’s just my place in my life. I don’t, however, think that it’ll prevent me from connecting me with someone. I think there will be something else that gets in the way of that, lol.

    Whatever the case may be for you, I know it’s hard to go to bed alone at night. But I guess…it’s better to do that than to settle for something that isn’t heartwarming and incredible. I give you much credit for not settling, for developing into your own and coming to peace with it.

    Comment by pure novelty — July 12, 2006 @ 11:11 am | Reply

  3. *grin*

    underselling yourself can work marvels.
    Generally though, they’re very temporary marvels ;)

    Comment by mightydoll — July 12, 2006 @ 11:43 am | Reply

  4. My advice sucks today. Sorry.

    I can do hugs though

    *hug, hug, hug*

    xo
    ~Robyn

    Comment by RobynB — July 12, 2006 @ 12:05 pm | Reply

  5. I’m here for you. Or I can be there for you. Actually name the position and I will break bones to try and get there, lol. Be at peace with the alone stuff. Once you have made peace with it, then God will send you more opportunities than you can imagine. See, God has a sense of humor. He thinks this shit is funny. You are bright, good job, exterior looks good, I think you are just scaring the kind of guy you used to date…and have yet to realize that you need to up that dating level at least one…IMO..which is good as I really would hate it if someone else gave me this opinion and forced me to write this at gunpoint….that would suck…

    Comment by Casually Me — July 12, 2006 @ 12:48 pm | Reply

  6. dzer: yeah dude i totally get how you’re feeling. i used to have a little bit of an easier time with this before i was in my thirties…

    but i am so damm tired of meeting a man and having him do all the right things right up until he says something like “that is a great place to bring a date” as we head somewhere else. oh… you mean you just want to be friends? whoopee!

    hell i walked a gay friend through dumping his first boyfriend and still got dumped for the better life.

    i’m not convinced that those things are ‘going for me’ to be honest. if they were they would have worked by now.

    and you know what’s wrong with the thousand mile away people? none of them are here and i don’t believe any of them would stick to it in front of me.

    *hug*

    pure schtuff: :)

    really? i could have sworn i’d been vulnerable before… but i do find that the longer i blog the truer or deeper it gets.

    the thing is that i like my life and my self and my friends and all that stuff. i did turn myself into the woman the man that i want would want… but he doesn’t want me. i’ve spent years becoming the best sass i can be and i’m really proud of her… but you know?

    and that’s just it, i’m so awesome and yet where’s the love? so why won’t someone tell me the truth? tell me how i’m NOT awesome???

    sometimes T i think it’s nothing more than that we say too much. that we say the wrong things and that we somehow imply that we aren’t interested when we’re most interested… or something.

    i almost never connect with anyone… and they never connect with me.

    i don’t know what it is and i know it’s better than settling. and you know if it’s me and my cats forever i guess that’s all right… but it seems so pointless somehow.

    Comment by sassinak — July 12, 2006 @ 2:02 pm | Reply

  7. md: heh

    yeah i seem to end up around people who oversell themselves… and that doesn’t work either *g*

    robyn: hey man, hugs are good.

    *huggs*

    cas: heh

    i can take it, i’ll even have a good life being alone. i just… sometimes it’s really lonely you know? ultimately most of my friends leave to go home to their partners you know? and sure it’s okay to be a singleton, in fact it has a ton of advantages, but still and all there’s that two am problem.

    i see why people settle.

    uh this is just what i looked like when i got in my car accident, i wasn’t always fat and i never lowered my standards *grin*

    i suspect that if someone held you at gunpoint you would find a way to kill them with your bare hands.

    also? *snicker*

    Comment by sassinak — July 12, 2006 @ 2:07 pm | Reply

  8. remember the other day how I said I dopn’t often compliment women for fear they’ll label my a creep? You response was to do drive by complimenting- “My goodness you’re beautiful!” And walk away…

    Thats what anon was doing. You gotta hit the ball back ya know?

    Comment by Hubris Humility — July 12, 2006 @ 4:12 pm | Reply

  9. I’ve decided that I’m not in any position to give “men” advice, lol. Nope, and it’s been so long since I’ve dated, I have no idea what men are like anymore. In fact, you’ll probably be my advice girl soon… :)

    Comment by kathi — July 12, 2006 @ 4:56 pm | Reply

  10. Argh! Advice girl sucks! My sister is going through the same thing… she always hangs out with guys, and feels like she has to carry a flag to tell people she’s single… or she has to start going out alone, basically. Another frustrating thing. But I look at it this way… if so many people want to be your friend, you have a lot to offer…

    Comment by Sweet Li'l Gal — July 12, 2006 @ 5:07 pm | Reply

  11. hubris: i totally remember that. but with anon? i said ‘yes, yes i am’ and he was still walking away… he was a good twenty feet past me when he made that happy noise. should i have run after him?

    dude i like to think i hit the ball back…

    kathi: i’m never in a position to give that kind of advice but for whatever reason people always want it from me.

    i have no idea what men are like and i’m currently IN the fucking dating pool. so yeah… i’m the worst for advice but i’m advice girl so somehow people still want it from me.

    sweet gal: i totally know how your sister feels. it’s not that i MIND being one of the guys but i don’t see why i can’t also be a girl. hell i show up AS a girl and they look stunned but still don’t notice i’m female.

    i don’t want to go out alone but i don’t know what to do either, all my friends are men and since most of them are gay and we’re touchy they seem like boyfriends.

    *grumble*

    look i have a lot of friends and i love all of them but i have enough friends… okay you never have enough friends but god dammit if i’m so special why am i unfuckingdateable?

    Comment by sassinak — July 12, 2006 @ 5:39 pm | Reply

  12. fair enough :)

    Comment by Hubris Humility — July 12, 2006 @ 5:46 pm | Reply

  13. hubris: why yes i have pms, how did you guess?

    *chuckles*

    Comment by sassinak — July 12, 2006 @ 6:06 pm | Reply

  14. I hear that all the time. Guys will tell me women can always get a man because they have what men want. I’m tired of it too, or the “you’d get more guys if you just lost some weight.” The halmark greeting of my life. I’m kinda happy to be single cuz I am totally down with selfishness and shallowness right this second. It will wear off I know and I’ll be dissatisfied and wondering why soon enough.

    I’m really busy being me right now. And I think the hardest faith to have is the faith that you ar fabulous and people know it and think it too. But for now I can forgo that and pretend that waiting for someone to realize how fabu I am and all that jazz, isn’t what I’m doing. I think on some level we’re all doing that all the time. Just wanting someone to notice how fabu we are and tell us they see it too.

    Comment by Amber — July 12, 2006 @ 7:14 pm | Reply

  15. oh, sass, i feel ya. i really do.

    i have no answers. i’m totally mystified by why so many of my unbelievably fabulous friends don’t get much male attention.

    one of my (taller than you)pals talked to a male friend of hers about it, and he gave her a lecture about appearing approachable. that she (and many women, in his eye) give off an “unavailable” vibe.

    are we supposed to be walking around, making eye contact with every dude we see, and smiling? how crazy does that sound??

    i don’t know. i just don’t know.

    Comment by terry — July 12, 2006 @ 8:01 pm | Reply

  16. AHA!!! i know: you try too hard. men prefer the cool and unattainable. make like you are not interested and you can’t scrape them off (like dog poo attached to the bottom of hiking boots…) be charming but don’t bowl them over.

    to be honest with you, i much much prefer sleeping with my cat. a.) he washes his feet before he goes to sleep. he stretches out his toes and makes sure he licks between each one. all that lickety lick noise annoys the hell out of me, but at least he’s clean. b.) he does not snore. c.) he sleeps on his towel with his head on the pillow so he doesn’t fur up the sheets. unlike some men, who when they sleep naked leave body hair all over the damn place. d.) he doesn’t hog the duvet because he prefers to sleep with no cover. e.) he doesn’t roll over and try pushing me out of my side of the bed. f.) he looks totally cute all curled up when he goes to sleep. g.) if he’s late getting to bed, then i shut the door and he sleeps in the livingroom. no complaints. h.) he looks totally cute all curled up. (oh, i wrote that already but it is worth repeating just to see it in my mind’s eye and smile).

    ….yesterday i bought two bags of fresh peas. i’ve eaten most of them myself…….burp. :)

    Comment by gabriella — July 12, 2006 @ 8:13 pm | Reply

  17. amber: oh i’ve heard that so many times, that i have what guys want. like seriously i don’t sleep around and maybe that shows or something. ‘oh oh, not easy, better run off’

    people actually tell you to lose weight? yeesh. that’s obnoxious on so many levels. geeze.

    but i like being in my life and i have an excellent life and all… and i’m a little selfish too but it would be nice to date is all. doesn’t seem in my cards.

    i’m always me, but i feel like i’ve spent a lot of time growing already. people already call me intimidating and think i’m ‘too old for them’ (from a man older than i am by the way)

    i can usually pretend that i’m not sort of waiting for someone, except that i really am out living every day and not just waiting. but at the same time i want someone to note that i rock…

    terry: i got nothing. i wish i could and all but i got nothing. i think about it and think about it and just come up with nothing.

    i know so many amazing chicks who get nothing and yet they’re the very women that all the men i know claim to want. and when the men that are married that rock introduce their wives? those chicks are often super cool too.

    i got the same lecture about appearing approachable but i have no freaking idea how to do that.

    i’m pretty sure i have that unavailable vibe but i don’t know how to break it. i was sort of thinking of getting a shirt that says ‘single’ but that’s pathetic.

    apparently that’s what we should do… but it sure sounds lame to me.

    Comment by sassinak — July 12, 2006 @ 8:22 pm | Reply

  18. It sounds like you’re having another one of those days, mama.

    I’m not going to feed you any platitudes because they are insulting, empty and far too easy.

    But I noticed that you tend to cycle somewhat through despair at having certain important aspects of your life left unfulfilled and elation with the life you are living and how you are choosing to live it. The main difference between the two is that the elation is the result of your choices. The despair… it’s the result of someone else’s choice (or non-choice).

    It’s not you. You do not suffer from a fundamental flaw that straight men see and the rest of us don’t. Trying to discern the reasoning of men is about as fruitful as a man trying to figure out what the deal is with single women. There’s no easy answer. Look around you– you have tons of friends, men and women, gay and straight, single, coupled, polyamorous… I’ve met many of them. I can say with confidence that they are good people. If there was something fundamentally wrong with you, these people whom you respect would not hang out with you. And if there was something about you that isn’t a fundamental flaw, but is getting in the way of developing love relationships, I suspect at least one would have let you know by now. Because your friends aren’t assholes cackling with schadenfreudian glee while you are despairing.

    I could have written 90% of your post myself, and I have a ton of theories, but I’ve run on long enough and don’t want to hijack your blog with another one of my long-winded treatises on the fundamental confusion in gender roles and dating in the post-feminist era.

    Maybe I should start a blog wherein I just log my responses to your posts.

    Comment by Princess Valium — July 12, 2006 @ 9:43 pm | Reply

  19. Listen lady… every time I pop into your blog to catch up on the rest of the last post I didn’t finish reading, there’s a new post! You’re a posting maniac!

    One of these days I will catch up on them all but for now let me just say fucking AWESOME photos yesterday and if I may impose, I think either 3d or 6th from the bottom should be a new profile photo for you. If you’re feeling like a change, that is.

    Also, men suck, because they spend their entire lives confusing the hell out of us. Or else we suck for letting them get to us and make us psychoanalyse every glance, every word, and every gesture, when really they’re just going about their business and not thinking about these actions at all.

    Comment by JMai — July 12, 2006 @ 10:25 pm | Reply

  20. I can’t agree more with your frustration Sass, I am in my 20’s and already sick of hearing all that…I hope it doesn’t last into my 40’s and 50’s is all I can hope; I don’t have cats (don’t do the litter thing) So I can’t even be the old woman with 100 cats…I would just be alone. :(

    I don’t like the thought of this yet I different side of me is completely fine being independantly alone…it’s conflicted. Do you think possibly this is societies ideal pushed on us to believe that alone is so awful? Although being loved is a wonderful feeling… arghh! I don’t know!

    Comment by HuneeB — July 12, 2006 @ 11:52 pm | Reply

  21. and one last thing (this is in general terms not ness you persay); why is it that being alone equates to something being wrong with *you*? Why is it assumed that YOU lack a something and are flawed because other people wear blinders and cannot/will not/are unable to see what a wonderful person you are? This is crap to me! I will not accept this :(

    Comment by HuneeB — July 12, 2006 @ 11:58 pm | Reply

  22. gabi: fucking right i try too hard. men demonstrate interest and i make the mistake of talking with them honestly and openly. i should just be a disinterested bitch instead. except that would be dishonest.

    i do love sleeping with my cats, don’t get me wrong, hearing mouse purr when my head goes near hers makes my day every time… also she’s so cute when she curls up on my pillow and just looks at me.

    it’s funny i smile when i think of my cats too.

    i could eat fresh sugar peas that way but not snap peas.

    PV: well my boobs are sore, my back hurts and i’m cranky… so yeah once a month like clockwork *grin*

    thank you, i appreciate that, it’s the platitudes that kill you half the time. you’re right that i cycle and a big part of it is tied to my menstrual cycle (like i get depressed the week before and it’s hella bad in the winter) but the underlying emotional themes are nonetheless true.

    you know i don’t so much think that i have a fundamental flaw as that something must be wrong with my approach. ie my ability to catch a pass sucks total ass.

    and i know that i have wonderful friends but then i think about the one who dumped me flat and won’t even admit it (to the extent that he asks mutual friends about me as if he gives a shit) or return my calls or emails. those things add up and although they take two and two and make five it’s hard not to take that five.

    anyway i don’t think it’s my *self* as it is the way i communicate somehow… like i don’t know how to close the deal, and i can see it sometimes, the moment of decision and i don’t know how to catch it.

    i want to hear your theories hey! that’s the point of blogging and comments. that said, if you start a blog i’ll definetely read it but you can also write an occasional post and i’ll make you a guest poster.

    especially a long winded treatise on the fundamental confusion in gender roles and dating in the post feminist era!

    Comment by sassinak — July 13, 2006 @ 1:44 am | Reply

  23. jmai: hey i posted pretty pictures? a post with less than 300 words in it and everything??

    i know, i post a lot, and it used to be more.

    i’m glad you liked them, i actually have a different one in mind for a profile pic but i have to wait and see what we use on the website first. i’m sure one of the ones we shot sunday will become my new profile pic though… cause yeah, it’s time to change it.

    yeah, it’s the thoughtlessness that’s hard to reconcile… how can you NOT consider others in your actions and behaviour. and yet they don’t, hence the stunned look when they get called on it. [not universal to men the oblivious thingy]

    hunee: i keep hoping that it’s just right now, that the people younger than us are managing just fine. that rules and roles are changing. damm ye being in your twenties and proving me wrong!

    if i’m still single in ten years i’ll have a toy collection to rival emma’s! for serious. it will be me and my cats and a room full of toys. and that will be an okay life but *shrug*

    and by the way, i’m not saying that ‘the one’ has to magically arrive in my life, sweep me off my feet, solve all my problems and stay with me forever. i’m just in the mood for some dating… hopefully it lasts a year or two. beyond that is up to the universe. but i want some dating.

    look there’s a piece of me that likes my independent life and my aloneness, but there’s a piece that remembers the moments when relationships work and misses that. and either way i’ll be okay, i really will. i’m sure society has something to do with it, but that doesn’t make you feel any better.

    hunee redux: i don’t think it’s wrong with ME so much as how i communicate. somewhere i’m not passing the message along anymore and i can’t figure out how.

    but see sometimes hunee i swear i’ve got them and then i watch them pull away and i know i’ve somehow pushed… i know it, i just don’t know how.

    and not because i’m saying ‘poor me this is all my fault’ but because it happens too often. maybe gabi’s right, i let them see i’m interested!

    i do not accept that i am flawed as a person any more than any one else is. i do accept that i’ve lost the flirt skill i thought i was born with.

    Comment by sassinak — July 13, 2006 @ 2:03 am | Reply

  24. picture no. 13 would be a good one for the blog. it’s a great picture.

    maybe there’s something wrong with my eyes, probably there is, but the last picture looks kind of strange. like there’s a breast growing out of your back. obviously it’s the lighting.

    Comment by gabriella — July 13, 2006 @ 7:28 am | Reply

  25. If I was a man, I would fly across Canada, and share asparagus with you. I know that really isn’t any better, what else can I say… Men suck butt honey!!

    Hang in there my friend.

    Comment by Leigh — July 13, 2006 @ 8:35 am | Reply

  26. gabi: thanks, i think there’s one i might use that’s not in this series, but i have to wait for the website to be done first.

    and since we’re waiting for ME TO WRITE IT… :)

    i get that same sense from the last one, i think it’s why i like it so much.

    leigh: mmmmmmmmm asparagus! frittata or steamed? :)

    but here’s the thing leigh, not ALL men suck butt, just the ones i can’t have *grin*

    thanks babe!

    Comment by sassinak — July 13, 2006 @ 10:33 am | Reply

  27. anyone who’s ever even tripped on my blog knows the shit i get from men, and the countless “why are you single” speeches..and it takes everything inside me not to scream “you want to know why i’m single? why don’t you look in the mirror and ask the person looking back at you why this girl is so absolutely wonderful but i have no desire to date her, and get back to me.” and just hang up.

    and yea, it’s easy for me to sit back and go “well, i’m wonderful and all but i’m fat, so that’s why i’m undesirable”…but i know there’s something else.

    and if i hear “you’re the kind of girl we marry, not fuck around and date” i will go ape shit.

    i’m with you. where the fuck is this guy who i supposedly deserve? did he get lost? is he to manly to ask for fucking directions? did he see me and run off scared? or did i tell him to fuck off because he took a wrong step, and i’m just too jaded, bitter, and cynical to ever give anyone a second chance?

    Comment by da buttah — July 13, 2006 @ 11:57 am | Reply

  28. Hmmm. Weird convo.

    I had a related convo (as far as the pretty thing, not the straight thing) with my mum yesterday. She came over to help me hang paintings I bought and she commented that I should get myself pretty for when Mr. Hagfish comes over. I was livid. Don’t get me wrong, I scrub up well. But the point is that I don’t want to feel like I have to put a mask on. I mean…someone who loves you, loves you even when you look like you have been dragged through a fence backwards. Yes, I do plan to fash my face, apply some foundation and put nice clothes on when I pick him up at the airport. But I don’t want him to want me for that. And when I do it, I do it for me.

    So I hear the issue…I just tend to have an irrationally violent reaction to the whole looks thing.

    So I will shut up now ROTFL

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — July 13, 2006 @ 12:25 pm | Reply

  29. Sass,
    My 2 cents on the topic
    I as a person feel attracted to someone who has something that i do not. May be that person is smarter than me, has a great sense of humor, etc etc. I have my own ideas of how that person should be. Since I am a “free” thinking individiual and do not believe most of the stuff that the world dishes out to me(i believe what i think is sane is sane, while most ppl might think my sanity is more of insanity), i sometimes feel alone coz i do not understand the world and the world does not understand me. In this backdrop if i make myself as perfect as I think i should be, i m further reducing my chances of finding some one real to satisfy my physical and emotional needs. Yeah you are right if you pretend to be somebody you are not, then yourn’t being honest, but wat good is honesty if it doesn’t make anybody happy. I still haven’t figured out how this dating game works, but i guess it is kinda pretty tricky, each of you wants the other person to have a fixed set of characteristics, and be not too desperate and not too have too much attitude, damn God does have a way of amusing himself.

    One thing i have (hopefully) learnt is that if you give 2 much attention to someone/something, you lose your value in the process, unless this attention scope is mutual.

    I guess successful dating is mix of emotions and presence of mind. You need to be sure you don’t rush in, and you should not be “too” slow. Being honest and expressing interest too soon does not work.

    I am no successful guy with lots of dates, but this is what i think, after being in the single area for a long time.

    Hope that helps

    Comment by Hemant Kumar — July 13, 2006 @ 1:09 pm | Reply

  30. elle: yeah, i think next time someone says that to me i’m going to try that very thing. yeah, yeah i am. i can’t wait to see what kind of response it gets from my gay friends…

    firstly that you consider yourself fat is one of the great tragedies of this blogcircle we’re sharing. i really really was fat, you can tell cause i went from a size 40 to a size 30/32. That’s sixty pounds and counts as being fat. you babe? if you lost more than ten pounds i suspect you would start to look ill.

    that said, i don’t think it’s anything wrong with either of us per se, i think it’s that we learned to communicate from talking with men and thus we don’t ever seem like we’re flirting. or something.

    i’m tired of hearing about being marriage girl. i’m thirty four, trust me if i was marriage girl i’d be DATING!!!

    i don’t even think i told him to fuck off, i think he just isn’t interested. he being generic or specific as you wish.

    nat: it’s definetely weird yes.

    ‘get yourself pretty’? but you’re ALREADY pretty. dude i scrub up well too but there’s a line between me and society and i pick me every time. i mean sure i put on lip gloss and mascara when i want to feel pretty but i don’t take myself out of who i am.

    exactly, you do it for you… me too. that’s why i don’t do it that often.

    dude i have the same irrational reaction… except i’m also kinda shallow and like the men pretty… well to look at. for dating i don’t give a shit.

    you always end your comments by saying you’ll shut up now :) i always wonder what you were going ot say next.

    hemant: this one might even be worth five cents!

    crap no time to answer as i have a client, i’ll get back to you!

    Comment by sassinak — July 13, 2006 @ 4:02 pm | Reply

  31. Well I feel I tend to rant…and then I have to shut myself up cause I sound like I am preaching.

    And then I am also keenly aware of my reaction to the topic of looks.

    But it is what it is in my mind. And it’s hard to just accept that most people are very invested in looks when they look for a partner. They don’t get that they live with the personality more than the looks.

    Ay…there I go again…someone gag me!

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — July 13, 2006 @ 4:14 pm | Reply

  32. hemant: i think you’re right. i admire people who are good at things i’m not… but i tend to be more admiring when i’m passably good and they’re excellent.

    i like to think i’m pretty sane but my friends have scored me at 4/10 so… maybe not. anyway i like to think that i am a free thinker but i am only as free as i’ve learned/taught myself to be and there’s been a lot of other voices ingested over the years. i take in everything i can and then move from my heart. it’s basically all i can do.

    there’s the rub right? i’ve already got a very limited pool to fish in and the cooler i get the smaller it gets. that’s just what i was trying to articulate and you’ve said it a lot better. i can’t pretend not to be myself but then maybe if i were a bit ‘less’ at first? ahh that doesn’t work either right?

    the whole dating thing baffles the shit out of me but i’ve also definetely noticed the same thing. when someone falls overwhelmingly all you can do is pull back. and then something that might have had a chance gets smothered. like a fire if you put too many logs on it when it’s growing. hrm i have to think about what i just said for a while…

    it’s always been mutual fascination when it’s worked.

    i think you’re right… but i don’t know how to do it.

    nat: i like your rants and your preaching. i live for the three page long comments. rant on babe.

    i love it when boys are pretty. i love it when girls are pretty. i like butts, backs, biceps, big toes, big eyes, brillian hair and so on. all of it. i like it all.

    HOWEVER i don’t give a shit if my date is hot beyond the first moment of ‘ah well’ because i know two things for sure and one of them is that anyone you love is beautiful in your eyes. so looks really don’t matter

    i also know that hot is overrated… but confidence isn’t.

    i love looks but they’re a bonus not a requirement. like abs. not like fitness.

    *hides the gags… and the crop actually*

    Comment by sassinak — July 13, 2006 @ 6:54 pm | Reply

  33. you won’t be hearing that shit from me love…I might be thinking it, but I wont say it….but there is no point in being able to have someone that A)You dont want, and B)You’ve never met! Life just sucks like that..
    LMAO at that bloke on the street, I would have been tempted to run after and ask WTF???

    Comment by debambam — July 13, 2006 @ 11:31 pm | Reply

  34. he is out there somewhere.. i think??? LOL.. if i find him.. ill let you know..

    oh and KJ is gone.. *shrugs* (just thought id answer ya)

    Comment by sugarpunk — July 14, 2006 @ 2:59 am | Reply

  35. deb: i thank you for that. it’s probably one of the most frustrating things about being single is hearing that when it’s blatantly not true.

    i’ve had people i didn’t want and you know what? it doesn’t work at all. it’s just empty.

    yeah that guy on the street was funny…. i’m not sure he wasn’t gay…

    sugar: thanks babe. i don’t necessarily think that anyone gets one he. there’s just people you suit and people who suit you and you have to hope that sometimes they’re teh same people…

    but she said ‘i’m going to jersey’ not ‘i’m leaving and i’m never coming back.`

    :(

    Comment by sassinak — July 14, 2006 @ 7:25 am | Reply

  36. We will have to steam it sass! I am really working on this life style change.

    Comment by Leigh — July 14, 2006 @ 8:00 am | Reply

  37. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm steamed asparagus with pepper and garlic and a dash of parmesan

    *drooool*

    :)

    how’s change coming?

    Comment by sassinak — July 14, 2006 @ 3:25 pm | Reply

  38. Sass, I really feel for you. I often had many of those same conversations. I still have not figured it out to this day. I will say that 9 years ago, when I got my kittens, the depressed funk I was in over not having a boyfriend/significant other was greatly alleviated.

    My experience mostly was that men suck!! The men I know and knew were not interested in a challenge, an equal, a partner. I know there are a few out there. Other than that, I have no sage advice for you. My chick friends ranted over this very issue for years. We never came up with an answer and even the guys we talked to, that we really respected, didn’t have any input. Mostly it was a shrug and “Huh. Don’t know.”

    Seeing your last post is inspiring me to maybe start doing pilates. I’ve heard a lot about it, but never tried it. I am in no way physically fit. Maybe it would be a good start for me.

    Comment by Gut Chick — July 14, 2006 @ 4:41 pm | Reply

  39. by the way? those pics? awesome. you look amazing.

    Comment by terry — July 14, 2006 @ 10:44 pm | Reply

  40. gut: it’s really kind of baffling isn’t it? i like all of the women i know and lots of men i know like me at least as a friend… so why aren’t my friends hooking up at least?

    (shush i know all my friends are gay)

    it’s a small pool when you’re a smart independent quirkyalone. not only do you need a smart guy you need a smart guy who likes smart chicks. not a big pond that one… and there seems to be a lot more smart chicks than guys that like smart chicks.

    well, if you saw pictures of me two years ago… actually my profile pic but i’ll post a real one when i find one… anyway the difference in four years since i started is astounding.

    pilates is the bomb, and with the right teacher it’s a great start. email me your city, i’ll let you know if i know anyone.

    terry: thanks! :)

    it was fun!

    Comment by sassinak — July 15, 2006 @ 2:57 am | Reply

  41. Ok, I’m gonna state something obvious and look like a male ass, but sometimes that is necessary.

    The over analysis in this room is in the stratosphere. MEN catch a scent and that is all they want and need, to go further. (By this I mean, a guy sees a female that catches his eye so he makes a pass, which can be a wink, a hello, a drink, a nod, actual words, a whatever) Now as a female if you catch that pass and reciprocate then the dance starts and further you go. BUT further is where I think this has gone into the ditch. There are a gazillion scenarios to further cuz the variables are human, but here is some examples.

    At the point of further if the connection happens super fast a guy is gonna start thinking physical and as soon as physical signals terminate he’ll be on his way, you with me so far……

    ……if the connection is a little bumpy, there is attraction and lots of prospect for future interesting anything, then physical slides a little and mental comes in, BUT IT IS A VERY SMALL amount of mental still, and I don’t care who the guy is. So you dance lightly here and feel it out to see if the groove is worth one more step or not…..

    …….now if the connection is spoon fed by either side then only a serious mental hook or incredible physical attraction is gonna even get you to a first date…….still with me here

    ….. alright what you are after is the solid fast connection that is equally physical and mental but the real trick is how it unfolds on the first meeting………there is no breaking this down to analyze where it failed for better preparedness next time. The straight up is usually in the moment and from sniff to date can be as short as a handfull of words to a lengthy chit chat that results in exchange. So, yeah, ya gotta work on catching that first pass cause a man who likes what he sees and wants to explore just a little bit more will throw out a hook and if it bounces without notice then he reels in and carries on. Men are very much like dogs in this way, we will continue to pursue a potential until we either see a reason not to or we commit to full attention (which is a date). There are no rules to this stuff and if a guy seems callous cuz it seemed to fizzle when you thought it showed promise. Well it sucks but that is the nature of attraction, there is no accountability for why, and I realize that for those who are unattached and forlorn because of it that my opinion may seem cold. But truth is, overanalysis is not the answer, being who you are and gauging your response to interest accordingly is the only way.

    Sass: from all that I have read of you I can say that you are a strong personality with a zest for life and a keen intelligence. Why is it so hard to catch a date? I’m thinking two possibilities. First your fishing in a shitty stream, and a change of waters might be the answer (hello hillside!) Second is that a lot of YOU comes through way too quickly and when a guy shows interest he pulls back on a whole lot more than he wanted to know straight off. Possible third is not recognizing a pass and following up on it. But you seem like a sharp cookie so I’m having trouble believing that one.

    I hate commenting after the fact, but somehow I didn’t read this post until just now. I kinda feel like an ass for teasing you about dating Harper. Oh well, there’s no rewind on life. And this is what comments are for. I’m tempted to email you on this one anyways!

    Comment by Pyrhonik — July 22, 2006 @ 5:41 pm | Reply

  42. pyr: you know i just reread this entire post and comments section to get the gist of your reply. holy shit they were long *grin*

    please state the obvious, i think there’s this idea that women don’t want to hear what men are really like and then people sort of make up what they think a chick wants to hear. i want truth.

    i’ve had that instant connection with someone and funnily it rarely got physical because it was like we knew that it would so there was no rush. i’ve also had the slow grow friendship and i can’t tell you which is better but i like them both.

    with the slow grow friendship there’s a period at the beginning where you’re sort of assessing each other and dancing around each other. and in that case it’s easy to see that you’ll at least be friends… and in the first case it’s easy to see you’ll end up dating.

    that said, the easy spark is well easy. and if that happened i would spot it in a second and know what to do with it… but i know that isn’t the only kind. in fact i know that i’ve been in the position where i’ve had the first meeting followed by the initial move (say he buys dinner after a group outing) and then somehow we end up friends and i feel like i did it.

    like i’m too open and forthright
    or i don’t catch the pass
    or i miss the pass…
    or i don’t throw it back or something.

    and with the full attention thingy, i have a scenario i would LOVE to run by you in email so whenever i get the one you’re sending me from this post i’ll detail it for you, you’ll laugh and scratch your head and probably tell me just what i need to know.

    but i AM who i am and i do gauge my own response but i know damm well i’m missing passes. i have to be, i’m getting stared at in the streets again. don’t i?

    i don’t know why it’s so hard to catch a date, i do suspect that i’m not hanging out where the smart boys are but until i go back to university to get a chemical engineering degree that isn’t going to change… hillside is good but i’ve fished it out, this is my eighth annual after all…

    i think second combined with third is my real problem. like i think i’m way too open and honest AND i miss the pass and fail to throw it back. hard to think i want anything but friendship there isn’t it?

    i’m sharp but i don’t know shit aobut dating, all my relationships have just sort of happened, it’s fucked to be 34 and not know how to date but there it is.

    tease me about harper please… it’s not like he would want me either *laughs ruefully*

    email me!

    Comment by sassinak — July 22, 2006 @ 11:11 pm | Reply


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