snapshots of an idle mind

July 15, 2006

cranky beads

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:03 am

.
i only have a few minutes before i have to run off to class and then another class and then the farm. but i’m getting tired of looking at toxins so i thought i would see if anything came out of my fingers today.

i do have a pointer for the climbers in the room. do two laps of every route at the gym.

yeah i went climbing yesterday evening between work and dinner and a lovely pair of climbers invited me to do routes with them. so i did. and when i’m standing there in my harness she goes “we climb everything two times…”

and i’m like okay…. and she goes “and you are too”

i was game so i did it. i made it three quarters of the way up things the second time before dying but die i did. this will pick up my endurance nicely.

it’s brutal and my hands and arms are fully tired and i’m so doing it again.
.

my parents are going home in a week.

a week!

i can’t believe this, it feels like they just got here and they’re going home in a week. i am woebegone. for serious.
.

i had sushi last night for the first time in way too long. i’d had it with othercat but that was the kind you buy and bring home. this was the kind that you eat at the restaurant and they practically make in front of you.

exactly, it was freaking delicious.

the company was good too. one of the things that i missed the most after tr and i split up was these foursome meals that othercat and pj and tr and i would have. but now that he and i are actually happy to be in the same room again we can do these lovely gatherings again.

it was good. a little weird because we’ve all changed but good.

what’s funny is that i have continued to hang with other and pj and so has tr but we didn’t hang together… so the only real surprises are for us. and in a lot of ways more for me. i’ve mostly turned back into myself since he and i split up whereas he has made a bunch of deep and positive changes.

i have too hold on that didn’t come out right. i’ve changed a ton but more in my general approach to life and decision making and my sense of control. and i’m certain that i’m just as different to him as he is to me.

however, he’s flipped switches from ‘oh no, not me, i don’t do that’ to ‘enthusiastic participant’ which is highly weird for the person who knew him when those switches were bolted shut. i sort of saw them start to flip in the few weeks after we split up but as if i was taking in that kind of shit.

i wasn’t really up to noticing, i was busy being ignored until i went away, being broken and dealing with all the other broken relationships and things in my life. so the signs were there in that six weeks we were stuck in that fucking house but they weren’t glaring and obvious.

now all those tiny signs are giant changes. and yes i can wrap my head around them sure, but it’s weird is all.

don’t misunderstand, these are lovely changes, as are mine… they’re just weird for me to hear about and see. of course nothing that’s different about me seems at all strange to me because for me i changed slowly and gradually as a logical outcome of things that were happening around me.

as are, i’m certain, his. i just didn’t see them and grow with them so there’s this man i totally know but he’s not quite who i think he is.

as weirdnesses go? this one is pretty cool.

oh and stoned.nerd? i didn’t sleep with him *grin*
.

i’m really stoked about today. there’s a class with rr and then a tiny break and then a workshop on abdominals and it’s going to be awesome. i probably know more about abs than any other section of the body we’ve done because i’ve taken a couple of workshops from marie jose about them as well.

this means i’ll get a deeper comprehension of the stuff that i learn today and that it will serve me extra well. this freaking rocks.

what’s even cooler about abdominals is that they include the lumbar spine (as did our workshop on gait of a month and a half ago) and many of my clients have problems and complaints right in there.

one of the things that i love about rr’s workshops is that she shows us tests, physical habits and fixes for the things she talks about. she doesn’t just tell us what the muscle does and send us on our way.

marie jose does similar things but i can’t ask as many questions when there’s thirty other people around as i can when there are five.

besides? every teacher you listen to gives you a different place to look at something from.

actually every voice you choose to take into your heart will do that. every person i know that i bother to continue to speak with has the kind of voice that teaches one things. the kind of brain that chooses to think about problems instead of moan about them.

all of my friends try in varying degrees to live happy and positive lives. the kind of life that you look back on and nod approvingly.

the kind where you think to youself “i done did her good”

we won’t all succeed, and all of us will have regrets as we look back at our histories… one of us most of all i think. [no, that’s ALL i’m saying about that and no you don’t know to whom i refer so don’t ask unless you’re looking at my face when you do it] and even that person is still out there living their life to the fullest, i just think there might be a few extra regrets there.

regardless, i am getting to the point in my quest for joy and a positive nature where when i tell people that i’m cranky they don’t get what i’m talking about… they’re like ‘you don’t seem cranky at all’

and all i can think of to answer is something someone said to me once in this crazy group in oregon [they have cranky beads they stick around your neck if you’re being cranky and you can’t take them off until there’s someone to give them to AND you aren’t cranky] which was “these people have high standards for cranky” and thus i say

“yeah dude, but i have high standards for cranky” and they look at me funny and i smile and put on my imaginary cranky beads and wander off….

just like i’m doing right now!

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21 Comments »

  1. Cranky beads… I love it.

    I love group outings like that. And it’s wonderful that you can chill with your ex and be so comfortable and be friends. That’s awesome.

    If I ever start climbing, I’ll take your advice. But ahh… well… we’ll see about the climbing.

    Yay first comment!

    Comment by JMai — July 15, 2006 @ 4:36 pm | Reply

  2. Ummm yeah…climbing…on my list.

    Not much of a social life right this second. I am neck deep in dissertation stuff, new work suff, all sorts of crap. And I think mostly I have done dinner once with a friend in the last week and then, of course, I talk to Mr. Hagfish at night.

    Ahhhh…my schedule is bound to settle at some point. And I am not complaining. No one told me to go do a Ph.D. or get a second job.

    Erm…yeah…call me a hermit.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — July 15, 2006 @ 6:57 pm | Reply

  3. I will only climb if you go first. Any chance of me picking your outfit? I can’t put you on a pedestal, I figure this climbing thing would give me the same vantage point. LOL. Maybe I should not be talking this trash if you are in a cranky mood…ruhroh…lol

    Comment by Casually Me — July 15, 2006 @ 8:42 pm | Reply

  4. Nat – we’ll be in Otown next weekend so try to make room in your exciting social life for us.

    /bogarting Sass’ blog for personal matters.

    Comment by JMai — July 15, 2006 @ 8:55 pm | Reply

  5. i don’t have time to properly respond to this, i’m just saying that i’m not particularly cranky right now, i just like the image of the cranky beads

    highly effective and silly at the same time :)

    also? i look hot when i climb, feel free to admire *g*

    Comment by sassinak — July 15, 2006 @ 11:59 pm | Reply

  6. cranky beads are an excellent idea!!

    a local TV critic coined the term cranky pants, and i love that too.

    apparently, i have too much crankiness in my life. hmm…

    and it’s so cool that you can appreciate all the new things you see in your ex. it really honors what you two had together.

    Comment by terry — July 16, 2006 @ 12:03 am | Reply

  7. *jots climbing notes*

    good post dude :)

    Cranky beads. I love it but… how would you & I share them when we see each other?

    Comment by Hubris Humility — July 16, 2006 @ 1:20 am | Reply

  8. *gives finger*

    Comment by Hubris Humility — July 16, 2006 @ 1:21 am | Reply

  9. jmai: yeah it was awesome. we were sitting around having the start of the event morning meeting and someone with like eight mardi gras bead strands around her neck walked up and put three around the lady speaking’s neck.

    and then she explained the cranky beads and sat down. and lj is like ‘wait are you saying…?’ and we all laughed and then she laughed and yeah.

    anyway yeah, that is an excellent foursome and i’m glad to be able to visit it again. i’m glad i can chill with him too… whether we become friends again remains to be seen.

    hey you climb as you wish, or do whatever sport you wish, but climbers think ideas like that are neat :)

    yay jmai!

    nat: you have a wall at your school, there’s no reason not to climb!

    how is that dissertation stuff going anyway? what new work? more crap?

    well talking to mr hagfish seems sort of like essential to your life right now so i can see why that would have to be done.

    why didn’t i grok that you got a second job? and what is it?

    i love hermiting… it’s good for what ails you.

    cas: sure i’ll go first, i climb all the time remember?

    you can pick my outfit if it involves choices i get to veto.

    i’m not cranky, i didn’t mean it that way… it’s all good :)

    Comment by sassinak — July 16, 2006 @ 3:04 am | Reply

  10. jmai: bogart on babe.

    terry: yeah i’ve loved that idea ever since and passed it on. and i had them placed on me twice that weekend. once i asked for them and once they were imposed.

    both times i deserved them.

    pv says senator crankypants sometimes…

    terry we were good and then we were broken. and now we’re getting to know each other in a new way. it’s coo’

    hubris: thanks dude.

    that climbing thing kicks your ass… for serious.

    there’s no reason we can’t both have cranky beads on at the same time. there’s lots to go arounjd…

    *returns finger*

    Comment by sassinak — July 16, 2006 @ 3:07 am | Reply

  11. Just don’t put on the cranky pants. I do, and they’re hard to take off the bastards.

    Comment by Matt Vella — July 16, 2006 @ 10:07 am | Reply

  12. *snicker*

    but do your ass cheeks look good in cranky pants?

    :)

    Comment by sassinak — July 16, 2006 @ 11:25 pm | Reply

  13. I don’t think I could eat sushi

    Comment by Kristen — July 17, 2006 @ 6:54 am | Reply

  14. Dissertation stuff is going pretty well, actually. But I am not counting my chicks yet, ya know? Ummm I didn’t blog about it cause it’s kinda on the DL for now and some people read my blog that shouldn’t know yet. Damn sounds like a lie. But it’s mostly withholding info so I am not questioned about my loyalty. Does that make sense? There is a third one brewing. It’s all a means of supplementing my income. Living gets expensive. :(

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — July 17, 2006 @ 10:30 am | Reply

  15. kj: that’s what i thought until i ate it…

    nat: nice, i can understand that… and the other stuff. i look forward to hearing about it when you’re ready.

    and yes, yes it does.

    Comment by sassinak — July 17, 2006 @ 11:41 am | Reply

  16. Oooh… I need cranky beads!

    No silly, not for me :)

    Comment by RobynB — July 17, 2006 @ 11:46 am | Reply

  17. robyn: you need them at your work!

    :)

    okay kids it’s about a thousand degrees right now so this computer is going to be off a lot and i may be a bit sporadic…

    just warning ya

    Comment by sassinak — July 17, 2006 @ 3:32 pm | Reply

  18. I picked up Velvet Rope the other day – have Janet’s version of Got ’til It’s Gone. You said you wanted to listen to it when I go tit – and now i have it.

    ~Pile

    Comment by Anonymous — July 17, 2006 @ 5:20 pm | Reply

  19. um yuo mean ‘big yellow taxi’ ? :)

    and YAY!

    Comment by sassinak — July 17, 2006 @ 8:43 pm | Reply

  20. Cranky beads are something I could adopt for work. The only problem is that most folks there would think it’s a compliment!!!

    Comment by Gut Chick — July 17, 2006 @ 8:58 pm | Reply

  21. mmmmmmmm Sushi!

    hmm I am not sure I like the idea of cranky beads…I do not like the fact that you can’t rid them until you pass them onto someone else…it makes it sound like you have to transfer your negative energy to someone else which one is not nice and two not good for karma.

    While it makes sense and I have seen it be done (may times) I still don’t like it.

    I’ve decided that I want cranky seeds so that I can be cranky and bury them, figure out why I am cranky with a little one on one time, attention and care (ie watering, fertilizing…) and then they disappear for a while only to sprout into something beautiful and positive like a pretty flower or a yummy tomato… yeah I like cranky seeds much better :)

    A friend of mine told me about when she was younger her and her friend used to have scream therapy sessions, they would lay on the floor in their house and scream at the top of their lungs, sounded like it worked to me :)

    Sass I am sorry that you are cranky, I am in no position to assume or guess since I am not personally in your life…like in the everyday flesh sense, but I think that comes from the frustration of being at your best and not having anyone to share it with. Being tired of told that you are amazing and having noone outside of your circle; better yet noone you are interested in recognize that. Feeling whole, healthy, happy, complete but yet still alone. Conflicted with all this and knowing that things didn’t turn out the way you thought they would, not that you regret this but it still taunts you sometimes. To be at a loss for what to do…

    …Or maybe it’s as simple as you stepped in poo today… I don’t know

    So *HUG* I think that is the best that I can do… sorry this turned out so long…didn’t mean for it to be.

    *HUG*

    (that was for the road or just in case you need two)

    :)

    Hope’in tomorrow is better for ya!

    Comment by HuneeB — July 17, 2006 @ 11:04 pm | Reply


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