snapshots of an idle mind

August 8, 2006

drops in a bucket

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:17 am

.

why we do this 

.
click on that link, gwan, go… it’s a lovely and short little blog entry about why we blog and it reflects my personal philosophy quite nicely.
.

i have been reading wil wheaton’s blog and it’s really good. this is a little tragic because the character he played on st:tng drove me up the wall with rage at his total irritatingness.

i have no actual beef with mr. wheaton of course but you have to know that some feelings had rubbed off. anyway after i overcame by revulsion at reading ‘wesley’s’ blog (three seconds okay?) i realised that i was in fact reading wil’s blog and that wil is quite the writer. also an avid poker player which interests me less but nonetheless. also thirty, married and has kids.

i know. imagine it, wesley is all grown up and he isn’t lame. he is a total dork but that’s all right, so is everyone else i like.

go, go read some. it’s fun.
.

my fast is entering it’s hrm. which day is it. i started around noon on thursday… so tomorrow at noon it will be five full days since i started drinking lemonade rather than eating food. saturday was definetely anger day. sunday was some kind of weird hopelessness day and today wasn’t really anything but introspective.

well i started the day wanting to weep with grief because today they started on the fence at nine am instead of ten am. on the monday. of. a. long. weekend. for the love of all that’s sacred. and then i did some raging at the owner and property manager [at least the fence and lights are now done and there will be no more fucking against my window (the drilling into the brick four feet above my head was the worst)] and then i snoozed through it for an hour or two and then got up and went climbing.

man i’m weak but strong. it’s really weird. like no endurance at all, went to do laps on a five seven and got partway down the second lap and just died. and it’s a short five seven too. i did do some all right climbing today but not as nice as yesterday. yesterday i climbed everything i touched.

for the hour i was there.

anyway then i taught for a couple of hours and i do seem to be able to teach while fasting (i’ll poll my students next week to see what they think) and then i came home to hang out with othercat. there wasn’t really any sort of overwhelming emotion of the day today, it was more just quiet and not talking much and feeling like staring at walls.

by the way, if you decide to fast? they mean it about the laxative tea and the salt water flush. you’ll shut down otherwise. i did the first two days without as an experiment and no no no. unfortunately the salt water gizmo doesn’t work for me so i’ll have to just drink the tea morning and evening.

a little unfortunate as the flush is predictable in it’s timing and the tea isn’t and well, it’s hard to run out of class because your bottom is having a moment.

you’re thinking tmi aren’t you? well suck it up, if i was describing the head of a penis you’d be enraptured. you would seriously.

look i’ll just say penis again.
penis.
penis.
penis.

see? :P
.

i have been thinking about my blog lately and i’m not sure how i feel about it these days. i’m definetely in love with it but i’ve also allowed myself to get dragged into the swirling waters of the online soap operas and i so know better than this.

this is forcing me to think about which blogs i read and why and which voices i want entering my head. it’s gotten me considering just how much of my own personal self i want to invest online and it’s got me remembering other times i fell into the online world and barely made it out again.

fortunately my body likes to go play on walls so i will leave the house regardless, but i just sometimes wonder if this blog has taken on too much importance in my life. do i care too much? am i reading too many blogs? why am i not getting things done that i want and need to get done?

i suspect this thing has something to do with it and i wonder sometimes if i should really do it. but then i think about the book i want to write and how much better my writing is than it was two years ago and i don’t know. is this considered practise?

i know that i need to do it. but i wonder sometimes if i should scale back on the everyone else. but god you’re all so much fun to have around! i would miss reading about what’s up in your lives if i stopped reading.

t’is a vicious cirlce t’is. i do think that i’ve done a decent job of surfing that in the last year which is a nice change from my old irc days anyway.

one of the things that i did learn a little more about because of all this introspection was my reason for blogging. i’ve realised that it’s twofold. the easy answer is that this thing is my own personal shrink. the harder one is that if, as seems to be my of course unpredictable fate, i’m not having babies i want to tell someone the things that i learn. i want someone out there to read the things that i find out and get a moment of awe or inspiration or wonder or even just interest.

hell even if all i do is make you look up floccinihilipilification so you can understand that i love that word because it truly is it’s own definition. *looks it up to check her spelling* oh crap you’ll never find it. let me see if i can remember the definition… archaic meaning small or irrelevant. generally used as an example of one of the longest words in the english language. basically.

whatever, if i can get people thinking and looking around corners and wondering just a bit what the motive behind the story was then i’ve done something useful. i’ve helped somehow. i don’t have a lot of resources but i can type fast and get people thinking.

but maybe i need to get that happening with things that are closer to mattering. things like what’s happening in the middle east. a conflict that i understand enough to see the tragedy of and not more. a conflict that makes me want to incite people to march to parliament hill with signs while chanting one two three four we don’t need your fucking war!

i want people with bullhorns to appear from the sixties to excite us to give enough of a shit to make it stop. i want people to raise their children to love each other and want each other and share knowledge with each other. i want their kids to have open minds and hearts and willingness to see the other side of things. i want them to believe that their way isn’t the only way and that different is okay.

that different is essential to our well being as a species.

and i believe, desperately, that simply by being a rational voice in the wilderness that i can help that to happen. and i feel like an egotistical twat for saying it, but nonetheless, this blog feels like my little piece of spreading the joy and diminishing the misery.

and i really think that that’s important, even if i can’t afford the time. and from the number of people who have told me that my honesty or my openness or whatever has inspired them? it seems like i’m right. i mean that’s some heavy responsibility right there.

it feels important. if we could all just be nicer to each other and learn to share…

anyone got a bullhorn?

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31 Comments »

  1. Your blog is essential reading for my daily mental, moral, and emotional health! Not that I wanna put more weight on your blog’s shoulders, I just figured I’d say that I check this place a few times daily, cuz light shines on some very interesting things around here! Now I’m gonna go lookin for a spoon.

    Comment by Pyrhonik — August 8, 2006 @ 12:59 am | Reply

  2. I think blogs are like people, they evolve overtime. And are a reflection of us at any given moment.
    Some days you wanna share who you are with the world. Some days you don’t. Some days you give a shit what the world thinks of you. Some days you don’t. And some days, you have more to give than others.
    Do what you want, give what your want, and write what and when you want….anything else from you would simply be a disappointment. For us, and yourself…

    Comment by debambam — August 8, 2006 @ 5:40 am | Reply

  3. This post has been removed by the author.

    Comment by --spared-- — August 8, 2006 @ 6:34 am | Reply

  4. I enjoy your self-awareness and introspection. Unlike some people I know, I think crying because you appreciate the beauty of a flower is good, and not a symptom of depression or drug-use. I think screaming because someone has hurt you so much you want to drown their ears with your rage instead of plunging a knife in their back is ok. The consequences of the latter would be so much worse.

    I think we make beds in which we refuse to lie, or sometimes do so for too long. Sometimes a blog makes up for that part of your life that requires an emotional outlet – a partner, a job, family. Life is about balance, as you have re-discovered through your fasting. For me, who used to blog three times daily and left it for a few months but now came back, blogging is a necessity. The alternative is someone no one could live with. So … blog on. I like using you to make sure I’m normal too.

    Comment by --spared-- — August 8, 2006 @ 6:35 am | Reply

  5. LOL @ the mental picture of you pausing mid-pilate move during class to run to the bathroom………and not it wasn’t TMI

    Comment by Kristen — August 8, 2006 @ 6:40 am | Reply

  6. I come here and I am always interested in what I am reading. A lot of what you talk about resonates with me and I know it resonates with others. When I read the comments on my blog, I know some people are there becuase I visit theirs and their comments might just be a way to reciprocate. And I appreciate them being there but I mostly like to read those comments that have some thought behind them. And I think you probably do the same. I think I would still blog if no one commented. Because someone out there who isn’t commenting is reading anyway. And you never know just who you might touch or help today, just by an entry.

    There are so many things we should do as a species. We suck at times, don’t we? But I try to remain hopeful in the face of what I keep seeing every day.

    And also…how funny? I just started a fast myself. I just felt like I needed to cleanse. Hoping it works.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — August 8, 2006 @ 9:35 am | Reply

  7. I’m with you on Wil Wheaton, Sass. I wouldn’t say I’m a regular reader, but I’ve been to his website before from time to time. He actually has quite an internet persona. He comments regularly on Fark and he has his own column in The Onion where he reviews vintage video games from the ’80s. It’s usually pretty funny stuff.

    Don’t give up on the blog! That’s just the fast talking! My life couldn’t take the floccinihilipilification of being without it!

    Comment by john — August 8, 2006 @ 9:55 am | Reply

  8. pyr: wow. that’s a heavy compliment that is. and yet it’s just why i do it. if even one person feels that way, or is inspired to be more honest (as you were) then i’ve succeeded right?

    heh, yeah that spoon metaphor is awesome isn’t it?

    deb: yes, absolutely, my blog is very different from the blog that i started a couple of years back.

    the days that i don’t are the days that i do tags or just don’t post. otherwise they’re the days y’all get a little ramble with no real point. and yes that’s just what i do, although i do occasionally sit down with keyboard pressure. come on sass you haven’t posted in days… and sometimes the pressure works and sometimes it doesn’t. i figure if you really can’t get yourself to blog then you likely shouldn’t :)

    spared: thank you, i’m glad you tripped over my blog recently :)

    i agree with your sentiments about crying, unfortunately i don’t cry. i feel grief and pain and rage and overwhelming sadness but i don’t shed tears. probably that’s why my blog is so honest, i have to let the pain out somehow.

    and yes, i pick screaming over murder too *chuckling*

    i think you’re right too, if i had a partner to come home to and share my day a lot of the things that i blog about would go away. i would probably find other things to talk about or i would find that my blog had outlived it’s usefulness. hard to say.

    wow three times a day? that’s a lot. you seem to have slowed down a lot. i used to make myself post everyday but then i started working more and just couldn’t do it. this 3-4 times a week is much easier to maintain for sure.

    heh, are you sure i’m a normal comparable? :)

    Comment by sassinak — August 8, 2006 @ 11:31 am | Reply

  9. what else am I going to read over my morning diet coke? (note: I realize I’ve been sleeping later and later..because…well…i gotta get me four hours somehow).

    blogging does take on its own life after a while, and i think that “while” comes when you start to get readership. it’s hard to draw the line between writing for yourself and what you want, and writing for the readership and comments that come along.

    if anything, i’m pathetic enough to schedule blogging time and blog reading time into my schedule. how’s that for addiction.

    bloggers anonymous. i think i’m the ringleader

    Comment by da buttah — August 8, 2006 @ 11:35 am | Reply

  10. kj: i actually did that during a private, but i also gave her ten extra minutes to apologise!

    good to know :)

    nat: thank you, i feel the same way about your blog actually. you articulate so well some of my own nebulous feelings and stuff. and yeah, i can tell the difference between those two commenters also… that’s okay though, i just want people to read it, they don’t have to care about it. and also? a lot of those people who don’t say much will sometimes come out of the woodwork on some post that really gets them and write a treatise in your comments!

    i would still blog if no one commented but it might slowly die away too. it’s hard to keep writing for no one. that said, if my hit counter kept rising i think i would suck it up and blog anyway.

    oh man, learn to stop warmongering is a big one!

    which fast are you doing? and yeah, it feels really nice to do it.

    john: yeah i’m not going to read every post but he’s definetely in my ‘bored now’ pool for sure!

    i’d heard he was all popular on the net but i assumed it was an offshoot from trekkies, but it’s clearly that the guy can write!

    i’ve never read fark, and my ex was addicted to the onion and somehow i thus never got into it…

    i’m not giving up the blog! i’m just thinking about what the blog means to me :)

    but thanks!

    Comment by sassinak — August 8, 2006 @ 11:37 am | Reply

  11. I am going for the 14 day cleanse drinking distilled water and some lemonade and iced tea. It’s not like my body will starve. It has reserves. It’s not about weight. I need to clean out the system.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — August 8, 2006 @ 11:46 am | Reply

  12. I applaud you on the fast. I’m completely insane while fasting. I realize it’s healthy but all I can think about is what I’m missing out on.

    I think it comes from the 18 months (2 kids) of hyperemesis I suffered while pregnant. 9 months is a long time to fast when your body chooses to fast instead of your mind.

    I’ve been a happier person since I decided to post when I felt I had time. I used to worry about what I had to blog about every day. I’ve found that the posts that get the most responses are the ones that come off the top of my head.

    P.S. I loved your TMI about the cleansing.

    Comment by SignGurl — August 8, 2006 @ 12:42 pm | Reply

  13. elle: oh man MORNING diet coke? *barf hurl fast for an extra week* … oh man that just sounds so beyond gross i don’t even have words. and yet? yeah cheerfully drink three black coffees if they’re handed to me!

    are you actually sleeping these days?

    yeah i think you’re right. there’s definetely this sense of ‘will this get them to comment’ or whatever when you post and i mostly manage to beat that bullshit down and post what i like but it really doesn’t always work that way.

    well, i’ve been late for work because of blogging and i definetely get up earlier just so i can check my blog before i leave the house… so i’m at least as addicted as you.

    i’m the chief bottle washer then!

    nat: where did you get this fast? i only ask because i thought it was really shitty to have caffeine when you’re fasting. could be wrong of course. what kind of lemonade is it?

    yeah i have actually not lost a single pound while fasting… and still i feel it was totally worth doing :)

    tomorrow i have orange juice! (i wanted to do fourteen days but frankly i just can’t find the time… and i didn’t want to do something that extreme the first time i ever do it. next time ten-fourteen. this time 5-10 with seven being what i picked. in large part so i can drink on my birthday!)

    let me know how it goes!

    signgurl: holy fuck. you couldn’t eat for your whole pregnancy? did you come out of it like a skeleton or something?

    i’m definetely starting to get that missing out feeling, i think because i told my body it eats tomorrow so today it’s having cravings.

    one thing i noticed all the websites get right is that your cravings really start to change. day two? bacon and popcorn. day three? pizza and chips. today? focaccia sandwiches filled with vegetables.

    i know. weird.

    i think it’s a lot easier when your body does it and best is when they decide together.

    yeah, i’m a lot happier since i eased off on my posting requirements so i totally get what you’re saying.

    re ps: hee thanks!

    Comment by sassinak — August 8, 2006 @ 1:53 pm | Reply

  14. I got it from an MD but none of the drinks have caffeine. It feels ok so far. Hungry but OK.

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — August 8, 2006 @ 3:20 pm | Reply

  15. nat: sounds related to the one i’m doing. is it regular lemonade or some crazy mix like mine?

    the food cravings are taken care of by the lemon drink so drink more lemon… and it gets better after the third day :)

    Comment by sassinak — August 8, 2006 @ 4:40 pm | Reply

  16. I had a strong online presence, chatted in a few political chatroom for a while and literally had a separate life online. The blog was how it got started. I had friends that were an ocean away and I think for the most part, at the time I needed that. The friendships eventually transcended the blog and things got very blurred for a while, which is why I made a very conscious effort to put things into perspective. I had a “fasting” of sorts as well, so I understand the need to purge oneself of toxins and by-products of poor decisions – whether those be bad eating decisions or stress related. But I’m glad you also choose to put thoughts to post (or cyber paper, if you like).

    I believe you are normal enough. :)

    Comment by --spared-- — August 8, 2006 @ 8:35 pm | Reply

  17. spared: i used to hang out with the nerd equivalent of royalty in irc. many moons ago now. and although it wasn’t political i still was hanging with the high level folks from all over the world. i fell for at least one of them over the course of those years and yeah, on and off line got very blurry.

    and for some people offline becomes more important and for others it’s online.

    i pick offline now. but i used to pick on.

    i can sympathise with the need to fast from the net for sure, i’ve fallen off the proverbial planet more times than i can count in the fifteen or so years i’ve been online now…

    :)

    oh no!! normal enough for what! *grin*

    Comment by sassinak — August 9, 2006 @ 6:04 am | Reply

  18. Is yours the cayenne (sp) pepper one?

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — August 9, 2006 @ 9:05 am | Reply

  19. yeah

    Comment by sassinak — August 9, 2006 @ 11:40 am | Reply

  20. I’ve got a bullhorn

    Comment by RobynB — August 9, 2006 @ 12:18 pm | Reply

  21. Hmmm…..floccinihilipilification?

    My daughter will be very excited about that word because she told me that antidisestablimentarinism is too hard to use in a senctence.
    I don’t even think I spelled that correctly.

    Anyway, true story the kids a freakin’ genius with a dopey head for a mom!

    Comment by Madame X — August 9, 2006 @ 12:24 pm | Reply

  22. robyn: nice, what’re you doing with it?

    madame: yup. i know for sure it’s in the random house unabridged and it’s likely in the oxford and otherwise i got nothing :)

    i love when people are excited about words, pass it along with my compliments if you please.

    and actually? antidisestablishmentarianism :)

    dude stop calling yourself dopey, people don’t read dopey people’s blogs… least not the people around here. k? k.

    Comment by sassinak — August 9, 2006 @ 2:09 pm | Reply

  23. Yeah I thought about the pepper one. I think I am gonna do soups this week. I got my period (sorry guys) and I can’t not eat. :(

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — August 9, 2006 @ 3:02 pm | Reply

  24. Holy insurmountable blog entry, Batman.

    No worries, it was good. *cough penis cough*

    seriously, many really do grok you on the last few paragraphs here. The unfortunate thing is that most of us who truly feel that way also feel like their mothership missed them in the head count when it was time to leave this supposedly forsaken rock to go home.

    We weren’t missed. We are here and we have this job to do. Some look at it and say, “No way man, this just isn’t possible! I can’t get through. I quit.” only to become well protected, but also cynical so far gone that they are just as doomed as the ones spilling blood and raping our home.

    faith n.
    1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
    2. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

    Maybe it is trying to succeed in this seemingly impossible task of peace & evolution that all those ancient books meant when they said, “have faith”

    Not believing in one god over another versions of “faith”. That’s stupid. It pits us all against one another. “Well MY God said you’re totally wrong and that I should exterminate you for your heresy.” Duh!?

    please. Grow the fuck up and bring some very soft groceries to the crackhead who keeps nagging you for spare change.

    *climbs off soap box*

    Comment by Hubris Humility — August 9, 2006 @ 4:52 pm | Reply

  25. Thanks Sass, I couldn’t find it in my M-W Dictionary Program!

    Let me clarify, you wonderful people do not think I am dopey, I don’t think I’m dopey but my daughter? She’s thinks I’m dopey but I think my mother’s dopey so…

    Comment by Madame X — August 9, 2006 @ 5:01 pm | Reply

  26. nat: hey fair enough, i had originally planned to start one that was ten days as of the end of my period, but life got in the way. i totally sympathise on the whole bleeding requires food thing. lots of spinach in the soup!

    hubris: that’s just cause you’re all out of practise from EVELEN days off. yeah i stuck that penis thing in there to make y’all feel better.

    i think that if the sane people just keep trying to raise sane people and expound on their thoughts and logic that maybe, just maybe, there might someday be enough teaspoons in the bucket. but if we don’t? eep!

    you have to keep trying, the more they try to make you not nice the nicer you have to be. weird but true.

    oh raping our home *sob*

    i think you may have the right of it hubris because i just cannot imagine a bunch of ancient sages sitting around and going ‘let there be jihad after crusade after holy war cause yeah, that’s a good plan’

    well my god doesn’t exist, but the universe thinks you should stop judging your neighbour and start judging yourself.

    and a lovely soap box rant it was!

    madame: okay that’s fair, we all think our parents are dopes…

    i actually defined flocc… because i couldn’t find teh definition online!

    Comment by sassinak — August 9, 2006 @ 5:37 pm | Reply

  27. your bottom was having a moment??

    omigod. i’m dying. hilarious.

    it’s phrases like that that keep me coming back for more.

    and since i’ve been “out of pocket,” as it were, for a couple of days, i really feel like i’ve been in blog withdrawal! i hate that.

    i don’t need THAT kind of a fast…

    or do i?

    Comment by terry — August 10, 2006 @ 12:33 am | Reply

  28. terry: you know, i hadn’t actually realised just how funny that line was until you pointed it out! and then i laughed for a minute or so.

    it’s funny how you don’t notice how funny you are because you hang out with yourself all the time. like how you think you’re a dork, and you are but the awesome kind.

    well you were missed!

    i tell no one that they need to fast but damm it sure feels good.

    Comment by sassinak — August 10, 2006 @ 12:42 am | Reply

  29. ‘floccinihilipilification’ is a bigger word than the other word…

    discombobulate.

    i know how you feel sass. sometimes i wonder if im wasting too much time on a blog that takes too much piss outta others and make myself look so silly. but like what you said, i think putting down my thoughts does make me a tad more articulate.

    notwithstanding my silly thoughts.

    Comment by stoned.nerd — August 10, 2006 @ 12:14 pm | Reply

  30. nerd you really love that i use the word discombobulate don’t you? how about if i toss you a ubiquitous?

    i’m a better writer for being a blogger for sure. but i’m worse at getting my business going too…

    i like your silly thoughts… you’re the first blog i linked and the first blog that linked me and i’m still interested.

    Comment by sassinak — August 11, 2006 @ 1:22 am | Reply

  31. awwwww that pleases me. cheers for the kind words & all your comments, sass!

    I know ubiquitous. :)

    Comment by stoned.nerd — August 11, 2006 @ 8:34 am | Reply


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