snapshots of an idle mind

October 31, 2006

friend matrices

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:32 pm

well i just had breakfast with a friend i’ve mentioned before. said friend dumped me flat a while back and didn’t answer my calls or emails. recently we ran into each other in the street and have spent a few months organizing a breakfast together.

finally today we did it.

it’s so weird, it’s like no time has passed… the conversation flowed easily and the gossip was good. we talked about our lives and what we’re doing and how things are going and what’s exciting us and just reconnected.

how is it so easy?

aren’t i supposed to be angry and hurt? aren’t i all ‘fuck you for dumping me?’

except no, i’m not… in fact i’ve been thinking and every one of my really close friends and i have had some sort of breakup and get back together moment. something that caused us to need to not be around each other for a goodly period of time before one of us made up with the other.

heck in one case we dated the same man and now neither of us knows him but we are friends again and better for the break. in all cases the break was necessary and freed us somehow to grow our friendships into real things.

things that can break and be reforged.

the kind of friends where we WILL say the hurtful things that we’re afraid to say because we know now that we will always come back to each other. in some inexplicable way it gets deeper.

probably a lot like a couple who have their first fight and then work through it. there’s this sense of knowing that you’re willing to be angry and then learn to move on.

that’s a big thing in a new relationship. that moment of realising that you can be angry with each other. in fact, i don’t take a new relationship seriously UNTIL we’ve had at least one fight… and there are more than a few times that i didn’t take the warning from said fight and lived to regret it.

no, i’m not telling you who.

the older i get the more i realise that the true friends are the ones who are willing to say the things that hurt you. not because they WANT to hurt you but because they know you need to hear it. they’re also the ones who will give everything to you to help you fix whatever it is if they can.

you need both those qualities or it isn’t fair.

can’t be telling me all the ways that i suck if you aren’t willing to help me fix them…

in other news i went out as trinity on saturday night and i’m just waiting for someone to email me pics… but i know that there ARE pics and i will post them as they arrive.

be advised, i’m freakily like her.

in fact? i sort of freaked myself out.

and it was a lovely party although i didn’t follow through with certain intentions… probably wise in the long run, it wasn’t the time.

it was certainly a hoot watching people realise i’m female though… all 6’4″ of me in heels and pvc *grin*

why is it that when SINGLE people feel me up it’s not nearly as offensive as when married men do it ‘discreetly’?


i got a new source of referrals today, if i can just get about five more hours a week i’ll be making enough consistently to get a larger apartment and teach out of it. lord i can’t wait!

for anyone still worried about me after my september funk? i have been healed by the arrival of actual fall and my favourite holiday.

just fyi.


go out, play, and be someone you aren’t!


October 26, 2006

hallowe’en joy

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:34 am

i just had the coolest thing happen.

a friend of mine dropped something off at my house and informed me it was from a secret admirer.

i know this is true because inside it had a cut out card with ‘from a secret admirer’ written on it in cut up magazine pages. i’m pretty sure i know who it is. there were feminine things and my brand of toothpaste in it.

but check this okay? it’s this great orange bag with a jack o’lantern on it and it’s full of all these awesome things. my brand of toothpaste, a girly razor and four refills (i’m using a dead razor at the moment), eye makeup remover and pads, emery boards, my brand of tampons, a bag of tortellini pre-made dinner thingy, a toothbrush, and the very best thing ever…

yeah i said ever.


wait for it.


wait for it

feather BOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


how awesome is that? it has matching false eyelashes and lipstick even. (i’m totally wearing the whole shebang to work on tuesday!)

now the reason i’m pretty sure that i know who it is? there was a lighter in there too. and she nailed all my brands, so i’m thinking it’s my sister. the person who handed it to me swears that it’s from someone other than them you see… so she’s off the hook, but lividviv now…

and i don’t even care is the best part, if it isn’t her? then someone who knows me really well made me a hallowe’en care package and i’m just thrilled.

god it’s so awesome!

that’s all, i’m going to bed.


p.s. does anyone know how to put up false eyelashes? tips and tricks appreciated…

October 22, 2006

sunday stumblings

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:54 pm

i’ve got nothing but time today… no post in my head at all so we’ll just wee what comes out of my fingers. err see, i mean see.

anyway, it’s really starting to suck this driving in toronto thing. i didn’t used to be afraid for my life when i got in my car every day. i don’t remember people running red lights to the extent that the entire advanced green in the other direction gets used up.

i don’t remember so maybe people hitting my car and leaving ridiculous dings and no notes.

it’s just all gotten so much worse.

my friend b was telling me about what they did in new york city a few years ago. the mayor gave everyone a year’s notice that anyone entering an intersection against the lights or when it was congested would receive a FIVE HUNDRED dollar fine.

five hundred bucks. and they warned them for a year.

they got everyone in a uniform, retired, student, meter maid, whatever and blitzed the city… not only did they make a killing? no one enters the intersection like that any more in new york. well not no one but you know, it’s better.

do you know what the fine is here? here where intersections are clogged for ENTIRE cycles of lights by idiots who ran through on a yellow and only made it half way?

thirty seven dollars.


genius i tell you.

i have to get ready, da’mute and i are going climbing in ten minutes…nine and i need to brush my teeth.

i love being a chick that’s ready in ten minutes.

more time to blog.

the weather is cold and rainy today but somehow it isn’t depressing. it’s crisp and invigorating. the same weather a month ago made me depressed and now it’s delightful. i guess it’s about the leaves on the trees. once they’re down then it doesn’t feel so weird that the weather is funny and cold.

either way it smells fantastic. cold and wet and filled with leaves and rain and a hint of smoke and crispy in your nostrils.

not to mention the colors right now, the don valley is fucking gorgeous these days with the colourful leaves and the water and the bright green grass.

the food reflects the season somehow. we’re all eating squash and yams and potatoes and the fruit are shiny and hard and perfect for a cold day. apples in fall are heaven as are pumpkins and the rest of the squash family.

gourds so to speak.

i love gourds, all funky shaped with this strange alienness to them and yet they taste delicious.

i’m breaking up my cats. sorry let me rephrase. mouse and harriet are fine but faust is a problem. faust is the cat down the hall that’s dating my cats.

harriet will take me down the hall and stand imperiously at his door while waiting for me to let him in.

he will saunter down the hall and scratch insistently at my door until i allow him in my home.

until the other night.

the other night at 2:42am (alarm set for 9am for a tough mat class with dianne miller) after i had been sleeping for at least ninety minutes i am startled awake by the sounds of two cats having a knock down, drag out fight.

i levitate out of bed and land in the living room to see faust in my window fighting off harriet and as i arrive and shout HEY at the top of my lungs he chucks her off the window ledge and she lands five feet down and four feet out and now i’m upset.

not only is he yowling in my window loud enough to levitate me straight up in the air with my heart racing directly from a sound sleep but he’s trying to fight my cat off her own turf!

so i approach and he jumps down to my monitor and hisses at me and i take a sort of fuck off swipe at him (to tap his butt and get him on his way, not hurt him) and fucked if he doesn’t attack my hand with his nasty little claws and draw blood.

now i’m raging.

so i stomp over to the door and open it and then stomp back and just look at him and say in my iciest voice “get the fuck out of my house” and make like i’m going to swipe at him again and he jumps to the floor finally and i manage to get behind him and chase him out into the hall.

so i grab the key to his house and stomp off down the hall while muttering to myself and the little hoodlum tries to hiss me off his door!

and doing it well enough that i’m actually afraid!

so i lean way over and unlock the door sort of from above and open it and he rushes in and i’m like ‘and stay the fuck out of my house’ and shut it and lock it.

so i can’t have this. i can’t have an animal in my own home who attacks me, that’s just not okay. and i think harriet misses him but not that much, i don’t see her rushing for the door to be let out and she’s way less demanding about going to his house.

will i let them hang again? yes.

here? not if i’m sleeping or resting. that fucker goes home before bed.


not so much.

where the fuck is da’mute it’s 3:52 pm… ahhh here he is.


October 19, 2006

hrm it’s thursday!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:00 pm

okay, so hallowe’en is in ten days (well the saturday partying bit) and both the costumes that i have in mind require some work.

now i don’t have the coat or gloves for this one (well i have an oilcloth trenchcoat that i could oil up that has the right cut but still, it ain’t pvc):

and my wig is wrong for this one:

and this is the base of the costume (you can see that the wig is wrong and maybe i can afford a new wig – and i love wigs so i don’t mind but…):

and this is the gun i will use for barbarella (i’d have to buy something for trinity) and incidentally a fucking hilarious pic of othercat and i last year. :)


incidentally i’m accepting variations on these themes as suggestions AND i’m asking for someone with more skill than me to get those two photos that are linked for me.

October 17, 2006

thought provoking

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:23 am

this is a piece of a comment that gabriella left on empty vessel.

we all have aspects of our lives where self discipline is not as strong as in others. emotional self discipline is difficult for many people. they think of something they need to do and then permit their thoughts and then the emotions those thoughts elicit to create a fear response which freezes them in their steps. a fear response based on the fantasy of the imagination; not on the reality of an event that has yet to occur.

this is where meditation comes in handy. it teaches us that there are thoughts that can elicit emotions. we can control our thoughts and we can control our emotions especially when they result in somehow truncating our full experience of life. or prevent us realizing our professional plans.

i think the fundamental problem you are having, in general, whether it’s about being in a relationship or promoting yourself is fear of rejection. you give way way too much value to what some person may or may not do when you approach them. but there are what, more than 6 billion people on this planet. context is all. if a few of them don’t respond favourably, there’s lots of others out there.

the problem isn’t the public/potential student/potential mate. the problem is the person who invests way too much emotionally in any given encounter so that they involute after not achieving the most positive outcome from a given interaction.

if a person is always considering the devastating effects of a rejection, that person cannot present themselves in a fully positive way to a potential client.

now this is one of those things that you read you know? and then you read it again about a week later. and then you read it a little while later.

and then you go ask a guy out
or you call up a bunch of your old clients
or you go take classes with dianne miller [second generation legendary teacher]
or you decide to GO to the party this weekend that you heard about instead of just thinking about it.

or you just read this one sentence again and again:

there are what, more than 6 billion people on this planet. context is all. if a few of them don’t respond favourably, there’s lots of others out there.

holy holy shit.

what a freeing sentiment. i mean don’t get me wrong, i’m a child of my upbringing, i will still strive for perfection and be unsatisfied with my own accomplishments. i will still worry about ‘enough’ in all senses of the word (and some you aren’t thinking of) … at least for a while.

but yeah. six billion.

i could embarass myself in front of every single person i ever meet and STILL meet new people every day. i could do anything i want anywhere i want because you know, six billion people.

seriously the more i think about it the more eased i feel. i can’t explain it. i’ve known for a while that you have to make choices based on your inner eighty and eight year olds. they’re way smarter than you are because they aren’t currently the ones feeling mortified. and neither of them thinks with their nads.

and thinking with 8(0) year old me has helped to free me up from my fears and challenges and expectations for sure. in fact they’re usually the ones who decide the important things with me lobbying for something lame in the background. i do have overrule power but they’re always right those bitches.

but i hadn’t taken into consideration the six billion people. holy hell that’s a lot of people.

i can do anything i want and nobody gives a shit. and if they DO give a shit? there’s five billion nine hundred and ninety nine million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine more (give or take nine million of them or so) people out there who don’t!




*giant sigh*

so freaking liberating i don’t have words.

seriously, go read that comment up there again.

October 14, 2006

fuck you…

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:35 pm

[look another post i’ve been working on for months…]

fuck you for hitting my car and leaving a stupid ding under the mirror that’s shaped like a horseshoe. just because my car is old doesn’t mean that i don’t love it.

fuck you for telling me what i’m going to feel

fuck you

fuck you for not loving me the way i loved you. and fuck you more for feeding me crumbs

fuck you for not being good enough

fuck you for using one quarter of the parking on my street for your stupid project

fuck you for ‘this guy who was JUST your type just checked you out, turned around, smiled and everything’ and NOT poking me when he DID IT!

fuck you for doing it all… way too late

fuck you for not being enough

fuck you for the season finale of gilmore girls. now i have to wait until OCTOBER or something for more of it. and damm… almost saw that coming and still? surprised.

fuck you for having sex against my bedroom window at 4am

fuck you for making our friendship irrelevant

fuck you for doing that too

fuck the toronto maple leafs for not making the playoffs and fuck pat quinn twice as hard. (and a small cheers for the new coach!)

fuck you for ever and always making it about yourself no matter who else is in the room or what they’re trying to say. but thanks for that other thing

fuck you for being so young that no matter what reality is you just can’t see it

fuck you for helping me build another wall

fuck you for transferring my call before i finished my fucking sentence

fuck you for deleting your blog.

fuck you for not asking me out.

fuck you for smoking outside my window

fuck you for giving me what i need instead of what i want

fuck you for wanting my attention only until you had it. what i didn’t have enough bricks in the fucking wall yet?

fuck you for hitting my car hard enough to shatter the mirror and dent the door and fender. just because it’s old doesn’t mean i don’t care and now i have yet another thousand bucks worth of work to do on my old car and you and your fucking huge gas guzzling piece of shit didn’t even fucking notice you hit it. i know you didn’t because that’s how the last person that did the side of my car in responded. ass

fuck you for jumping to conclusions, even if i agree with them

fuck you for ‘you just have to put yourself out there’

fuck you all for never noticing that i’m a dateable woman… it’s no wonder really, hell i start cybersex with someone and end up giving them advice about their fucking mothers

fuck you for not sending me clients anymore, i hate looking for work and it doesn’t suit the type of teacher that i am

fuck you for opening a studio without me (really not… i’m just sad about the missed opportunity)

fuck you for inviting yourself into my home whenever you want whether i’m welcoming or not

fuck you for offering something you knew i needed and then not giving it up… that’s just teasing

fuck you for moving to california

fuck you for offering me a dream job IN california and then realising that i’m canadian

fuck you for ‘we wish you the best of luck in your practise’ AFTER asking me for my cards

fuck you baskin robbins for being out of peanut butter chocolate when i needed it!

October 11, 2006

as the god of my own universe…

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 10:53 am

it’s three thirty nine in the morning and i’m staring at a blank screen. i feel like posting, my pedicure feels over and i don’t really know what to say.

the only thing really occuring to me right now has to do with judgement and the right of it.

okay i wrote that the night i posted my nerd post. i suddenly realised that i had to finish the nerd post and go to bed instead of doing something new. was okay, the post was ready.

anyway, now i can’t figure out what i meant quite exactly.

i’m pretty sure that i’m discussing the idea of sitting in judgement and i’m pretty sure i don’t think that anyone really has the right to do that. i’m in fact convinced that the ability to see more than one side of things is greatly lacking in the average human.

it’s like all those email forwards say, try to remember that that ‘asshole’ who cut you off in traffic is on his way home from visiting his stroked out mother in the hospital. that that bitch who budded in line is worried about her colicky baby and how she’s going to pay the bill and how the cashier that’s not paying attention is a medical student with a big exam and how…

we’ve all gotten these emails, okay i’m assuming but it’s a fair assumption since they go around a lot and i’ve gotten them repeatedly.

and it seems to me that they’re

[*sigh* and now it’s october and i started this in april and somehow today it wants me to finish it. see how i left it all in the middle of a sentence to make my life easier? yeesh]

…more right than we care to admit. almost every time i’ve caught myself being judgemental, no let me rephrase. almost every time i’ve been busted for being judgemental by someone other than myself it’s always been because i was firmly attaching my own prejudices to my opinion and i wasn’t willing to look around the corner.

sometimes that’s okay. like the guy i had two dates with who thinks i’m awesome but there’s no physical spark [i agree fyi but i wanted to see him minus wine haze before i really decided] but still went through the rigamarole of starting to set up a third date and then didn’t email me for four days (friday at 3 i emailed him back and tuesday morning he replied) and then sends me an email that starts with “hi cutie”

and ends with ‘there’s no physical spark but i think you’re awesome and would love to hang out’

seriously don’t call a girl cute and dump her in the same breath. it’s okay you aren’t into me dude it really is cause you’re high on yourself and kinda fat (but say in your ad that you want a fit woman… tut tut… you have to be into fitness to ask for fitness… just saying) in spite of the interesting nature of your brain but it’s not okay to waste my time starting to set up another date and then wait four days.

had he sent the IDENTICAL email on friday (or even saturday)? i would want to be friends.

but now i don’t and i said so. apparently he was ‘crazy busy’ and ‘offline all weekend’ … whatever. his cell phone broke too apparently.

so i’m judging him. i’m judging him an ass who isn’t worth my time so i’ll answer his last email with something like ‘no i don’t want to take you climbing and appear to be dating when i’m single but feel free to invite me to parties’ and move on.

i see that i’m judging him and i don’t care. i approve of my judgement. if he wanted to be friends well, don’t waste my time is all. i don’t want to be friends with any other inconsiderate people. i’ve done that enough.

but then there’s the other times i get judgemental. like when i catch myself looking down at the guy that’s working at the Bay. or when i make obnoxious remarks toward people who lack education. or the ranting i have been heard to do about other people’s bad driving right before i change lanes without signalling.

or when i talk about a friend and their behaviour and how it’s fucking me up and how they aren’t doing the right thing. they aren’t doing the right thing for ME. that doesn’t have shit to do with whether or not they’re doing the right thing for them.

i was particularly guilty of this with a couple of old roommates.

i held them to my nature instead of to realistic standards. like judging someone for being ‘slutty’ when you were a natural celibate is ridiculous. first of all slutty is the stupidest word ever except maybe for should.

or judging someone for eating too much when you have no comprehension of the emotional anguish they’re in.

we all do it, make snap judgements all the time about people… and most of them are harmless and necessary. do i want to hang out with this person? do i want to shop at that store? do i like this restaurant? was that good value for money?

lovely stuff.

but then there’s the slippery slope right?

where you think someone is crazy because they have faith in god, the universe, cosmic rays, l. ron hubbard (no that one really is nuts), diet soda, marijuana, buddha, the tao… i could keep going.

or you decide that people who eat meat are worthless. or that all vegetarians are stupid.

or that all jews must die. or that homosexuals are spawn of the devil and deserve no solace.

or that people actually have the right to tell other people who to marry… or who not to marry. hell that someone can kill you for your sexual preference…

wow. neat where a post i started in april ended up.

October 8, 2006


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:02 am

today is one of those days.

one of those perfect days that only happen in late september or october and that are so easy to miss. somehow you blink and it’s winter and you didn’t have any fall.

when i left my house at eleven this morning it was chilly out. i was wearing pilates shorts and a tank and a sweatsuit overtop. when i left class two hours later it was too warm for the pants and i ended up never zipping up the sweatshirt.

less than an hour after that? the sweatshirt was gone.

i love this kind of day. hot as hell in the afternoon and cold enough for a jacket at night. this is fall to me. the rains came hard, cold, and early this year which probably contributed to my sense of blah. also i find it interesting how many folks i know are also blah at this time of year.

sometimes i wonder if it’s something i’m trained to. because of certain rhythms that existed in my house as a child. or because of the training regime of a swimmer.

see i can never get myself to work out in august and early september. can’t do it. i did last year easily because i had JUST gotten allowed to climb again and i was so excited about that that it overcame things. interestingly i had a bit of a break at the end of september as some sort of replacement or something.

and in swimming the break? when you’re at the level i was at anyway, is from the end of july/beginning of august (nationals/youth championships) to late september. and it took me a lifetime to notice that that’s some kind of weird programming now.

i think that’s a cool thing to finally notice.

i heard about the coolest place to go hang out today and i’m totally stoked about it.


it’s this circus practise place and two nights a week they have a sort of open night and you can go and learn stuff like how to surf on a board on a barrel or whatever. people will go in and practise their juggling or whatever and there’s beer for sale (but it’s not really that kind of place) and a dj.

i’m totally stoked and i’m not bringing anyone i know.

maybe later, after i’m in the group or decide if i want to hang, but for now i’m going by myself. i can’t think of anyone who would want to play that kind of game except pile and he’s too busy at circus school to come and play at circus play place.

but i imagine he is the type i might bring.

i didn’t get the impression that people who aren’t into this sort of thing were actually welcome really. not so much unwelcome just, hrm… like they wouldn’t fit in.

like bringing a manicurist to a climbing party *snerk*

anyway i’m excited, and of course, once i scope the place out i may change my tune.

i think that with the advent of real fall weather and a sort of reformed expectation of what it will be like when i go outside that i’m cheering up. i’m still in the mood to hibernate but it’s more like i feel like doing indoor activities than that i feel like hiding in my apartment and not talking to anyone.

that could be because my sister is visiting me and i might be artificially inflated by that… but then what’s artificial about that? i really AM happy because she’s here. so if that’s a placebo does it matter? i mean once it has it’s desired effect this shouldn’t matter in the slightest.

actual thanksgiving dinner tomorrow at lorax and clarity’s.

yes, i’m stoked.

extra machine classes with rr to prepare for a series of mat classes with dianne miller.

rr just shook her head and implied that i’m going to die. she says SHE gets yelled at!!! i’m a bit afraid.

and so excited.

so she’s working the saturday class and me the rest of the week extra hard. those poor other girls :)

what’s better? to marry your best friend or to marry your sexual fantasy?

i’ve seen hockey. hockey was on television.

i’ve seen boys in hockey jerseys.

yay! thank you for hockey season.

sharing more than three bottles of red wine with someone and forgetting to drink water?

recipe for a two day hangover.

ohhhh *groan*

there is no reason to be awake right now.

the air outside is so crisp and delicious. i love the way air smells when leaves are turning… it’s indescribeably awesome.

it’s cool and fresh and clean and smells of hibernation and loam and snow and turning earth. and no, i don’t know how i smell that in the middle of the city but i do.

mmmmmmmm fall.

October 4, 2006

wednesday ramblings

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:19 pm

i’m taking a leaf from the book of kj

i have this great class that i only get for five weeks and i love them and it’s so much fun!

i’m craving peanut butter chocolate chip ice cream, but i’m too lazy to go outside. you know you’re lazy when baskin robbins is less than 100 feet from your door. my ass thanks me for my laziness.

see sometimes lethargy is good!

it smells like piss in here.

fucking bums peeing on my building. fortunately gaia is raining on it for me.

i have been making changes in my home… generally something that happens in the depth of a funk and before i come out of it. some of them are really excellent.

first i gave hubris the black chair that didn’t fit in my apartment. it turns out i was just storing it for him cause it goes great in his house. then i went looking for some kind of shelving unit to put there because all i ever did was store shit on said chair i dumped on hubris.

chair i may want if he ever dumps it and i’ve moved…

anyway i’m all poor so i can’t be buying any furniture but then i walked into the laundry room yesterday and found these two shelving units that were both sort of close to what i wanted. well fuck.

so much better than whati wanted!

i cleared out that corner, stuck in the shelves, threw most of the random shit on the floor on them randomly. they’re basically empty still and now the rocker just fits and my apartment has a floor!

and i SWEPT!

and because i haven’t been going out i’ve been cooking at home so my kitchen is getting turned over and used again too. it’s so nice.

maybe i’m just in the mood to be an introvert this month. that’s okay as long as i start calling about more work soon, and i’ve stuck an iron or two in a couple of fires to simmer… and i have the promise of more work than i can handle next summer… so i’m broke but hopeful and really way better off than i was last year.

i’m glad i’m not napping right now since the super is cleaning. and if he’s done in the next half hour i can still sleep for three hours. and read a bit first. shut up, i was at work at 6:30am and i’m working until 8:30pm.

i would have been so pissed if he’d been doing this while i was sleeping cause then i would have gotten woken up.

i finally made a doctor’s appointment for the first time in years. i haven’t had a check-up in so long i can’t remember and i would like to actually have a doctor know me. i’m about that age right?

it’s time to get mammograms and other horrendous things.

apparently they’re like closing your boob in a fridge door as hard as you can. thank the universe i got skinny before i have to get one! doing it on the e’s i once had would be trauma indeed.

freebsd is annoying to upgrade. but not as annoying as windows.


the rain is really beautiful and makes me feel all slow moving and languid like a rivulet down a car window.

this post is how i feel about my empty vessel feeling right now.

she sums itup really well, except that she has a family and i don’t. well i do, but it’s a different kind of family and we don’t live together. altogether we are very different women with very different lives.

nonetheless i feel like that’s just what i’m doing. go read it, it’s a good post.

it’s time for my nap.

October 2, 2006


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:33 am

lately, it seems that in addition to my overwhelming feeling of quietness i’m supposed to get my shortcomings pointed out to me. and it’s gotten me to thinking.

if my shortcomings are being pointed out to me then maybe it’s because they’re sticking out more. why are they sticking out more?

well let’s see… i’m tired a lot and feel like i can’t sleep and like i can’t wake up and like i’m tired even if i just got nine hours of sleep.

my brain feels… heavy.

i can’t get myself to go after work even if it would be relatively simple and i’m even not sending an invoice that will net me a hundred bucks that i need.

i have nothing to say and i hang around with my friends and you can hardly tell that i’m there.

i can’t stop eating food that isn’t healthy.

newsflash sassinak this has all the hallmarks of depression. i wonder if i felt like this last year about now

*wanders off to look at archives*

interestingly, yes i did. so maybe it’s a seasonal thing. i get a little funky in february but who says i don’t get a little funky in september as well?

what’s interesting is that in spite of the fact that this has all of the hallmarks of depression i don’t feel depressed. i’m acting depressed, if i were diagnosing me i would call myself depressed but yeah.

i don’t care enough to feel depressed *laughs*

that’s kind of it though. and this will pass in the not too distant future and i won’t notice it’s passing until the next time this happens and i realise how long it’s been since the last time.

in fact, although i’m theoretically miserable diagnostically i’m thoroughly enjoying the time off. it’s quite nice to feel my brain be in slow motion and to not have very much to say. what’s not so nice is when people tell you that you’re unusually bitchy. other things hurt more but won’t get mentioned here to protect the people that said them.

or me, because i rarely want people to realise how much things hurt me.

i was theorising recently that maybe this is normal. it’s fall. maybe this is when we get all pensive and rambley (think walks) because soon we’ll be trapped in a longhouse and we won’t be able to be psycho.

maybe we northerners get a little weird at harvest because our brains are expecting us to do the human equivalent of hibernation which, for a very long time, involved a lot of people living in very small and very communal spaces.

perhaps this is how our brains gear up for winter. they spend the summer getting all hot and languid and feeling good. cares are forgotten and our bodies and minds get fit and healthy from the hard work we’re doing.

then in the fall, when you’re putting up food and stores for winter, out comes the shaker and it gives the old brain a thorough shaking and sees what turns up. sort of gives the brain a last chance to get prepared for the stir crazy mess that is winter in a snowy place.

so just because i have parkas and a car and heated malls doesn’t mean my body really groks that. my body is learning that as humans become more civilised but we still have many more generations of primitive tribal history than automated and industrialised history.

maybe this is normal.

maybe this empty feeling in my brain is the mental equivalent of putting on ten pounds of insulation before the snow flies…


or maybe i’m depressed.

it’s just that if i’m depressed, aren’t i supposed to be sad or miserable or unable to function at work? hell shouldn’t work suck instead of remaining enjoyable?

it really does feel like withdrawl for hibernation.


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