go read this article called “Guidelines for Platonic Friendship – Some sensible rules and regulations to avoid any confusion in a male-female friendship.”
no really go, it’s really good and i’m going to discuss it so you might as well read it right? seriously go read it, i’m not starting this post until you do. [feel free to comment on the article before you read my post and then comment again on my comments… er english sass…]
for the record, anyone who is now going to say that “instant sex” means rape can just fuck off. he’s clearly writing with humour and obviously just means that he’ll try to jump you. nowhere does he say that noes won’t be accepted.
also for the record, i’m really here to address the responses i read on the net to this article (it got farked, i’m not the first to comment)
regarding in order:
1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.
fucking right. do not hug me if you know i am into you and you are not into me. yes i’m looking at any man i’ve ever informed i liked who didn’t claim to like me back.
your skin on any part of my body is not required for us to be friends, if you persist in touching me i will be rendered confused and more heartbroken than i already am.
2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can’t help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.
3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can’t let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.
this is stupid… unless or until there’s an empty chair beside her she isn’t using. then she’s a tease. conversely boys? if you don’t want to fuck me and we haven’t had this conversation already?
don’t offer me your lap to sit in.
4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.
that sort of implies that we share the same sense of humour. otherwise what if i think it’s funny and you don’t?
5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it’s the guy friends’ job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.
i partially agree and partially don’t. sometimes we actually need to share opposite sex experience. all your guy friends might think she’s awesome but i still might see that she’s playing you.
this applies in reverse ‘sass you’re in love with a poser who treats you bad’ might get me to think… a month later mind you, but i’ll hear you eventually.
that’s it though, after that shut the fuck up.
6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.
dude? if you treat a girl bad i’m going to get in your face about it, and i would expect the same from you.
oh yeah and? if i’m not allowed to treat all men like shit because someone did me wrong once? neither are you.
7. No sparing of my feelings. It’s emasculating. Don’t worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I’ll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.
i don’t understand this one. spare your feelings from what? i can’t discuss my love life or yours what’s left?
8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.
9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I’m going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don’t even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.
yes and no. turning around and liking me now that you know i like you is just you settling. honest changes over years i guess i can accept but i find them doubtful.
that said, please tell me i look nice on occasion, my poor little ego needs the boost and i’m going to assume yours does too.
i will keep the admiring to a minimum… fair?
10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don’t slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I’m a beautifully complex being.
so i can ask for advice until there’s a real man in the picture i’m officially with and then i’m on my own? that seems kinda mean and sorta weird.
i mean that’s when i’ll really need the help.
i object to this rule somehow. maybe i should never ask?
11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don’t like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.
oh please. and then what do i do when you ask for cooking or house decorating advice? what if i have the only car in the circle and without your advice no one gets rides?
this rule is lame. friends help each other… fuck this girl/guy shit.
12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can’t outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.
3. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that’s a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn’t want the main event. Besides, shouldn’t your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren’t we dating again?
this is hard for me because of what i do. i have had my hand on the ass of a man i wanted who didn’t want me back and vice versa. this was strictly professional touching mind you.
in terms of social? i’m going to say word.
again exceptions for professional skills.
14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that’s just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.
it’s tragic that women want the ones who don’t want us and so do men. i’m amazed anyone ever gets together at all. that said, yeah… please don’t date a twit after you reject my brilliant tall amazonian self. that just makes it worse.
a year or ten of celibacy after rejecting me is acceptable though *evil grin*
15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don’t want to hear any, “Stop smoking”, or “Don’t drink so much,” or “Don’t use women.” Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that’s what friends do.
this one disagrees with itself. if you’re going alcoholic i’m going to comment. i won’t nag though, that’s your girlfriend’s job.
who am i kidding, i’m a fucking nag, ask anyone.
16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I’m only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.
only true if you respected rules similar to these in the meantime. otherwise? you’re an asshole go away. yes, even if i still love you.
he missed one and i know this because a commenter said:
Maybe I should throw this post at that dude for whom I’m his “transitional chick”. But I can’t, I’ve already kissed him and according to the Book of MoreAnon, this is punishable by instant sex…but I don’t want instant sex with him. What to do…what to do…
and he replied:
by moreanonymous, posted on Nov. 12 at 01:51pm
Now you act busy for three weeks, then you invite him to things that he’s unable to attend because of schedule conflicts and then in 5 five weeks you both decide things didn’t work out.
that’s fucking brilliant can i just say?
can i also say that i seem to have done that by ACCIDENT before? i guess it doesn’t work if you really are that busy…
so then i read the comments and there are a lot of people who are agreeing but there are a lot of people saying that ‘instant sex’ is this guy’s word for rape which seems just silly.
then there are a bunch calling him immature and whiny and to grow up. he’s married, dude doesn’t have to do shit, he already got his golden circle and it seems he wanted one. seems a lot of guys do.
the ones that really amused me are the ones who yell at him about how foolish his rules are and then demonstrate that they themselves, by breaking them, are making themselves miserable. that’s just ironic that is.
what i don’t understand are the ones who either a) find the one exception to a rule and jump on it and then him or b) disagree with one and therefore have to label him stupid or lame.
can’t we disagree with people without calling them names and attacking their character? [are you listening toronto city council?]