snapshots of an idle mind

November 17, 2006

a plug, and a retaliation

Filed under: dating — sassinak @ 1:15 am


go read this article called “Guidelines for Platonic Friendship – Some sensible rules and regulations to avoid any confusion in a male-female friendship.”

no really go, it’s really good and i’m going to discuss it so you might as well read it right? seriously go read it, i’m not starting this post until you do. [feel free to comment on the article before you read my post and then comment again on my comments… er english sass…]

*taps foot*

*looks impatient*

for the record, anyone who is now going to say that “instant sex” means rape can just fuck off. he’s clearly writing with humour and obviously just means that he’ll try to jump you. nowhere does he say that noes won’t be accepted.

also for the record, i’m really here to address the responses i read on the net to this article (it got farked, i’m not the first to comment)

regarding in order:

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

fucking right. do not hug me if you know i am into you and you are not into me. yes i’m looking at any man i’ve ever informed i liked who didn’t claim to like me back.

your skin on any part of my body is not required for us to be friends, if you persist in touching me i will be rendered confused and more heartbroken than i already am.

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can’t help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.


3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can’t let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.

this is stupid… unless or until there’s an empty chair beside her she isn’t using. then she’s a tease. conversely boys? if you don’t want to fuck me and we haven’t had this conversation already?

don’t offer me your lap to sit in.

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.

that sort of implies that we share the same sense of humour. otherwise what if i think it’s funny and you don’t?

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it’s the guy friends’ job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

i partially agree and partially don’t. sometimes we actually need to share opposite sex experience. all your guy friends might think she’s awesome but i still might see that she’s playing you.

this applies in reverse ‘sass you’re in love with a poser who treats you bad’ might get me to think… a month later mind you, but i’ll hear you eventually.

that’s it though, after that shut the fuck up.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.

dude? if you treat a girl bad i’m going to get in your face about it, and i would expect the same from you.

oh yeah and? if i’m not allowed to treat all men like shit because someone did me wrong once? neither are you.

7. No sparing of my feelings. It’s emasculating. Don’t worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I’ll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.

i don’t understand this one. spare your feelings from what? i can’t discuss my love life or yours what’s left?

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.


9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I’m going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don’t even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.

yes and no. turning around and liking me now that you know i like you is just you settling. honest changes over years i guess i can accept but i find them doubtful.

that said, please tell me i look nice on occasion, my poor little ego needs the boost and i’m going to assume yours does too.

i will keep the admiring to a minimum… fair?

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don’t slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I’m a beautifully complex being.

so i can ask for advice until there’s a real man in the picture i’m officially with and then i’m on my own? that seems kinda mean and sorta weird.

i mean that’s when i’ll really need the help.

i object to this rule somehow. maybe i should never ask?

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don’t like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.

oh please. and then what do i do when you ask for cooking or house decorating advice? what if i have the only car in the circle and without your advice no one gets rides?

this rule is lame. friends help each other… fuck this girl/guy shit.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can’t outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.


3. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that’s a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn’t want the main event. Besides, shouldn’t your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren’t we dating again?

this is hard for me because of what i do. i have had my hand on the ass of a man i wanted who didn’t want me back and vice versa. this was strictly professional touching mind you.

in terms of social? i’m going to say word.

again exceptions for professional skills.

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that’s just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.

it’s tragic that women want the ones who don’t want us and so do men. i’m amazed anyone ever gets together at all. that said, yeah… please don’t date a twit after you reject my brilliant tall amazonian self. that just makes it worse.

a year or ten of celibacy after rejecting me is acceptable though *evil grin*

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don’t want to hear any, “Stop smoking”, or “Don’t drink so much,” or “Don’t use women.” Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that’s what friends do.

this one disagrees with itself. if you’re going alcoholic i’m going to comment. i won’t nag though, that’s your girlfriend’s job.

who am i kidding, i’m a fucking nag, ask anyone.

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I’m only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.

only true if you respected rules similar to these in the meantime. otherwise? you’re an asshole go away. yes, even if i still love you.

he missed one and i know this because a commenter said:

Maybe I should throw this post at that dude for whom I’m his “transitional chick”. But I can’t, I’ve already kissed him and according to the Book of MoreAnon, this is punishable by instant sex…but I don’t want instant sex with him. What to do…what to do…

and he replied:

by moreanonymous, posted on Nov. 12 at 01:51pm

Now you act busy for three weeks, then you invite him to things that he’s unable to attend because of schedule conflicts and then in 5 five weeks you both decide things didn’t work out.

that’s fucking brilliant can i just say?

can i also say that i seem to have done that by ACCIDENT before? i guess it doesn’t work if you really are that busy…


so then i read the comments and there are a lot of people who are agreeing but there are a lot of people saying that ‘instant sex’ is this guy’s word for rape which seems just silly.

then there are a bunch calling him immature and whiny and to grow up. he’s married, dude doesn’t have to do shit, he already got his golden circle and it seems he wanted one. seems a lot of guys do.

the ones that really amused me are the ones who yell at him about how foolish his rules are and then demonstrate that they themselves, by breaking them, are making themselves miserable. that’s just ironic that is.

what i don’t understand are the ones who either a) find the one exception to a rule and jump on it and then him or b) disagree with one and therefore have to label him stupid or lame.

can’t we disagree with people without calling them names and attacking their character? [are you listening toronto city council?]



  1. Brilliant stuff. I think that resorting to name calling to amplify the point one is trying to make deflects from the point itself. It’s a dumb thing to do from all angles and a certain indication of idiocy :?

    I sure learned a lot about you on this post though. I hope that any potential suitors read this cuz there is some giveaways on how to date you in here :D

    Have a great weekend!

    Comment by pyrhonik — November 17, 2006 @ 10:40 am | Reply

  2. Dude…righteousness. I have been lucky enough not to be in too many situations where I wasn’t sure how someone feels. In a way it can be thrilling because you are constantly looking for “moments” and enjoying the possibilities. But it can get jarring after a while. Ummm yeah…I am not very helpful today. A few hours of sleep and I am flying out to Dublin in a few hours…emmmm…brain fart.


    Comment by Natalia — November 17, 2006 @ 10:45 am | Reply

  3. I love Fark. I haven’t been there in a long while but once upon a time I was quite the regular visitor. Good stuff.

    Reading this post, I have to wonder about a phenomenon that I have been tipped off on regarding single women and married (or attached) men. I have been advised on several occasions that single women will purposely flirt with taken men not because they are interested in said man, but because they are interested in pissing off that man’s significant other. It is part of the “cat game” in which females get a “one-up” on other females by stealing away the attention of their male counterpart. I have personally known females who will do this at bars/parties/social gatherings as a form of entertainment. There’s a lot of power in being able to garner the fancy of all the males in the room while simultaneously pissing off all of the females. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that rules are meant to be broken and breaking these particular ones will only add more thrill for a certain cross-section of the population.

    Comment by John — November 17, 2006 @ 10:53 am | Reply

  4. pyr: yeah it really is. in fact it’s the least comprehensible form of arguing i know if. you belittle me and put me on the defensive and then expect a useful discussion.

    but then people don’t like to discuss, they like to fight. yay for idiots *g*

    giveaways huh? what did you learn and what did i give away? [i love to see what others tell me about myself]

    you too!

    nat: yeah it’s a really terrible situation to be in… with age i’m learning that there are two ways to go. the first is to ask them out and the second is to assume they aren’t into you and wait for them to change your mind.

    it’s not a good place to be, it ends up being an emotional black hole that destroys a friendship. well unless you follow the rules above… then you sometimes end up even better friends.

    yay dublin! *snoopydanceofextremedublinhappiness*

    yeah i don’t fark because the web is enough of a blackhole already but yeah, that was a great post.

    i don’t do that single woman troll bullshit. but then single men have been known to do that too. there’s assholes everywhere right?

    that said, i do act more freely around married men in that i am NOT flirting with them or worried about spinach in my teeth. this, of course, relaxes me and then i talk like a sane person and get five times more attractive… so it’s kind of a double edged sword.

    i get a one-up on other women by being not like that. pretty much :) oh and liking dirt and dirtbikes and fishing and beer and…

    no one wants to date me john, it removes a lot of the power dynamic *grin* anyway a lot of people like to break any rules that exist but sometimes people can choose to adopt rules like this among themselves. this is enough.

    hey if i tell you i fell for you and then you force me to hug you after you reject me? you’re mean. it’s not nice or considerate. so then the friendship breaks. sure rules are meant to be broken, but some of them exist as a reason and you have to decide what’s more important for you.

    and regarding that cross section of the population? i don’t need those people in my life.

    Comment by sassinak — November 17, 2006 @ 1:20 pm | Reply

  5. hrm… I think I find this whole rules thing exhausting. I hope this was written for himself only. Otherwise it doesn’t seem to allow for individuality. Some I agree, some are stupid. Plus, self rules can change with each person one meets. Ex: Sass+Hubris=no touchy. Hubris+most other female friends=one way or the other – doesn’t matter. Hubris+men (other than closest friends)=no huggy. and so on. Depends on the person.

    Comment by Hubris — November 19, 2006 @ 10:03 am | Reply

  6. i agree with hubris. rules are exhausting, though i enjoyed reading that piece.

    no hugging? really? i’d hate that. even with someone who’s rejected me. if we truly are friends, i should be able to handle it. if not, maybe we’re not really friends.

    and i agree with you, sass, that we should be able to share our dating experiences. i value the perspective of my male friends, because i certainly don’t understand men. at all.

    and gaaah… i’ve never flirted with a married man to piss off his woman. that’s just wrong. i do find that married men tend to flirt with me because it’s harmless and fun, as i think everyone in my circle understands i would never, ever cross that line. ever.

    Comment by terry — November 19, 2006 @ 2:16 pm | Reply

  7. That was cute and funny. I love when men are humble and little self-deprecating in a humourous way. It’s so endearing.

    Why would anyone read “rape” into his “instant sex?” That’s quite a stretch, if you read the article and appreciated its tone at all.

    Comment by Jmai — November 20, 2006 @ 10:28 pm | Reply

  8. Makes perfect sense to me, and that should trouble you.

    Comment by Yeshua — November 21, 2006 @ 10:56 am | Reply

  9. You know I think I need to write one of these, but in reverse. He wants to get back together, I just want the friendship, I keep having to remind him where my boundaries are. If he can’t cope with it then he doesn’t have to be my friend…may sound harsh, but Im looking out for me here, I spent 4 years looking out for him, and now it’s MY time.
    Having said all that, I liked this, even chuckled a bit..some I agree with, some I don’t, but at the end of the day, he can make the rules of his life, if people don’t like, then don’t be a part of his life!! Each to their own I say…

    Comment by debambam — November 21, 2006 @ 9:47 pm | Reply

  10. hubris: these rules were written specifically for friends where one of them has once been gone on the other one. y’all didn’t go read the article did you?

    terry you and i aren’t the same on this one. there are people i cannot hug. in all cases one of us has been gone on the other at some point. skin crawlingly weird even. i couldn’t do it. now if there’s never been one smitten with the other? no worries, i’ll hug anyone.

    and yes, my married friends flirt with me for the same reason

    jmai: my sentiments exactly…

    yeshua: no, you’re the kind of guy who would appreciate rules like this. and i’m the kind of girl who is too.

    deb: you cannot be friends with an ex in the first year… at least that’s been my experience. some, like my last one, take much longer. maybe if you have to for your daughter it’s different but trying to ‘stay’ friends is much harder than making new friends. wait, if you’re me. your mileage may vary of course.

    oh yeah it isn’t all true but it gets you thinking in the right direction…

    Comment by sassinak — November 23, 2006 @ 5:03 pm | Reply

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