snapshots of an idle mind

November 28, 2006


Filed under: life,responsibility,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:29 pm


it’s funny what power perspective plays on our interactions with our friends and loved ones and of course the world around us. whether we like to admit it or not our views of the universe colour our every interaction.

so too do more nebulous things that are much harder to sort out.

the easiest example is the one night stand i had moons ago with a slender man who had laughing eyes and dirty blonde hair and a military style cut that was a little long on top. those who have known me a long time know that this describes my ex husband perfectly.

a more distant and yet related example happened a couple of years ago when i hugged a man i had known for years and felt my knees wobble.

yes, actually wobble and lose strength.

i was stunned, was i actually into this man i had known for ages? how did things suddenly get all weird and shifty? and this went on for a while, me looking at this man and wondering what the hell caused that response when i’d hugged him a million times before.

and then i realised something. the man is an ironworker and had worked all day and for once hadn’t had a chance to shower before i saw him.

my ex-husband? mechanic.

see that? old grease, fresh oil and freshly worked man sweat and sass’s knees buckled.

none of it had to do with the man that i was actually hugging though, it was all old pheremone pathways being reactivated.

if you’re wondering how the sex was with my ex husband? that ain’t what split us up.

it makes sense that my body is looking for another man like him, it *liked* him. it thought he was fun and that his boy bits fit splendidly well with my girl bits. my body liked him so much it wanted things from and with him that it’s never wanted again.

my body? pretty smart, cause that boy was a lot of fun… in the sack. too bad about the rest of it.

regardless, i have pheremone pathways laid down by that man that will be with me forever. i find out a man is in construction or something and i get a little hotter for him… mmmm he works with his hands and probably has muscles and isn’t afraid of work and sweat and *drooool*

never doubt that mr. sass put those pathways there… except maybe he was just following earlier pathways laid down by my dad? my dad who rebuilt every house i ever lived in and taught me that real men like to work and like to cook and like to read and teach and can still act like kids with their kids.

what dictates what i’m attracted to? me? not likely.

even more interesting though, what sets off your rage or anger or hurt?

all twenty five of my remaining readers *g* have buttons. all of you and all of your friends and everyone in the world you will ever meet has buttons.

random things that just set them off for no apparent reason.

there’s always a reason, you may trace it to childhood, to an ex partner or an ex boss, to your parents or your teachers or your siblings or your friends or anywhere, but your buttons come from somewhere.

they come from things people have done to you, things you’ve seen, things you’ve done to others and stories you’ve heard and read along with the experiences of the loved ones around you.

they come from falling off the top step and eating bad spinach and being forced to eat things you hate and from breaking your leg skiing and from being allowed to eat with your eyes and from privation and excess and want and privilege.

everyone has buttons but not too many people look at where they come from.

not too many people look at the things that set them off with any kind of wonder or curiousity. they often fail to notice the patterns that swirl endlessly about them and often find themselves repeating again and again.

it’s interesting to observe this phenomenon over time through my clients.

some of them seem to be just lost in the morass of their struggles and since i mostly meet people at the lowest or one of the lowest points of their lives i tend to see them first when they’re lost in it.

when they feel hopeless and broken and like there isn’t any hope for them.

their bodies have betrayed them and their minds are following.  lack of sleep and  constant pain tends to steal about twenty percent of your waking brain power after a while and thus every day is a little harder than the last and you’re starting your day at a deficit compared to everyone else you know.

lack of or broken sleep leads to anxiety and depression and hopelessness and all of these people deal with it in such different ways.

some of them cry often but keep their cheerful demeanors despite everything.

some of them get irritable and hopeless but keep trying dammit.

some just refuse to let this crap affect them and carry their sunniness around.  i wonder what’s going on inside these ones.

some of them just believe that i can save them… and it scares me that someday i won’t be able to.

some of them give up… and those ones are the ones most likely to never do their homework and yet claim that they’ve given pilates ‘a good try’ but that it ‘clearly can’t help them.’

uh dude?  if you don’t DO IT?  nothing can help you.

and i can tell that for some of these people this is just a repeat of a lesson they’ve already had and that for others it’s new… but watching people heal and seeing how their brains begin to recover is really amazing.

it’s funny, i sometimes think that each week i meet a new person… and it’s kind of true because in all cases as they feel better their natures seem to revert to whatever they really are.

that said, when they’ve been broken for a long time sometimes (like me) their brains don’t *really* break until their bodies are well on the way to recovery.

these people inspire me every day and i’m just grateful that in return i can offer them a little hope.

not to mention the perspective *i* gain from them.  oh right, i’m not broken anymore, i’m only a little tweaked or something… broken is the lady i’m taking to my teacher today… right….!

is it wrong that that makes me feel better too?

cool part is that she makes me feel better by remembering being that broken and realising i’m not anymore BUT *i* make her feel better by knowing for real how she feels and becaue *i* got better.

perspective, gotta love it.



  1. What a lovely post.

    “cool part is that she makes me feel better by remembering being that broken and realising i’m not anymore BUT *i* make her feel better by knowing for real how she feels and becaue *i* got better”

    I love that relationship. It’s so nice when the circle of life (or perspective) swirls in positive orbs rather than those ugly vicious circles (as evoked by the first part of your post …not that pheromone pathways or buttons are always bad things, but that they sometimes lead to making the same mistakes over again without recognising the reasons for doing so).

    Morass…great word.

    Comment by Jmai — November 28, 2006 @ 4:33 pm | Reply

  2. One of the best you have written, at least that I have read. Thanks.

    Comment by Yeshua — November 28, 2006 @ 7:32 pm | Reply

  3. Perspective is huge, for me!

    There is a quote which goes something like this: Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result each time is the definition of stupid.

    I don’t know the origin, but I believe the message. Like you, I have been physically broken and I personally analyze my mental/physical/spiritual perspective when I don’t feel correct.

    This was a great post! Nice to see some Sass back 8)

    Comment by pyrhonik — November 28, 2006 @ 9:39 pm | Reply

  4. Sass I loved this post for many reasons…it actually has made me want to sit down and write right now…maybe I will post as well.

    Comment by huneeb — November 29, 2006 @ 2:42 am | Reply

  5. god, sass… another amazing post. as always, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

    Comment by terry — November 29, 2006 @ 8:50 pm | Reply

  6. jmai: thanks, i didn’t even know where it was going when i started it.

    yeah i don’t think pheremone pathways are bad but i do think being AWARE of your buttons and pathways is essential to living a relatively sane life. it’s nice to be a source of hope for people…

    and yes, morass is an awesome word.

    yeshua: wow really? thanks! er you’re welcome… er :)

    pyr: yeah me too, it took me a long time to earn some.

    i’ve heard that quote as the definition of insanity. i guess in this context it’s kind of the same thing. i mean in either case it’s a bad plan…

    do you think in the long run that you’re a better you because you’ve been broken and put back together?

    sass is here just a little afk :)

    Comment by sassinak — November 30, 2006 @ 10:40 am | Reply

  7. hunee: if i can write things that inspire writers to write? wow, what else can i ask for?

    terry: i try. i’m not sure it’s that amazing, i think i just haven’t written one like it in a while *g*

    it feels weird to be all not on blogger i must say…

    Comment by sassinak — November 30, 2006 @ 10:49 am | Reply

  8. Pavlovian response to outside stimulous, correct?

    I always get Pavlov and Pavlova mixed up…is it any wonder?

    A very thought provoling post, thank you Sass.

    Comment by Madame X — November 30, 2006 @ 1:27 pm | Reply

  9. I’m thankful I didn’t miss this post.

    Comment by Kristen — November 30, 2006 @ 7:46 pm | Reply

  10. madame: well pavlova was probably prettier?

    and yes, that’s what i’m saying pretty much… and you’re welcome.

    kj: well, i’m glad it affected you then :)

    Comment by sassinak — December 3, 2006 @ 7:06 pm | Reply

  11. Yes I do!

    In fact, were it not for the injury that I sustained and the associated adversities, I would be a much different person. I learned a great many things about myself because of that period in my life. I believe that we are all culminations of our experiences and based on that premise if one learns from their own mistakes and the mistakes of others then you have to improve. Even if it is marginal or unnoticeable to others on the outside, it is the mettle that we are made of which counts just as much.

    What does afk mean?

    Comment by pyrhonik — December 3, 2006 @ 11:55 pm | Reply

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