snapshots of an idle mind

January 11, 2007


Filed under: anxiety,exercise,hockey,life,random,responsibility,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:44 pm

well, it’s time to move.

the rent at the Pilates studio is going up by twenty-five percent and i am now spending several hundred dollars every month to pay someone else’s rent and i just don’t see the point of spending a minimum of twelve hundred dollars every month to use a studio that isn’t mine, equipment i don’t own, timeslots that don’t belong to me, all the while living in an apartment that’s smaller than othercat’s living room.

so i’m apartment hunting, which i despise, and spending all my free time looking at apartments or online or in the renter’s news or or or. . .

not to mention visiting othercat at the hospital. go read his blog if you want to know what i’m talking about.

so i finally found a place that looks like somewhere i can stand to live for awhile AND teach in without the machines driving me crazy. not to mention the couch getting in the way of the machines.

unfortunately, because i’m self-employed i can’t prove that i make enough to pay the rent. consequently, othercat needs to function as my guarantor or i never get to move.

so i found a place and the papers are mostly signed and i need to bring them a cheque and an othercat to sign some papers and then if they like our mutual credit i get to move to rosedale valley.

oh god i want it a lot.

it’s actually large and filled with windows and it faces a lovely mansion and a tree covered hill. not to mention the two or three parks within walking distance and the two subway stations that are LESS than six hundred meters away [six hundred to rosedale and four hundred to yonge/bloor, i measured in my car the other day.]

yes, of course i’m excited.

but today i’ve learned that excited isn’t all that i am.

for about three days now i’ve been having trouble sleeping (okay that’s been for a few weeks) and i haven’t been able to catch my breath and i have this weird feeling like my heart is racing.

interestingly, if i take my pulse it’s steady and regular and if i take a deep breath it doesn’t hurt or fail in any way to work it just doesn’t mitigate the feelings at all.

some of you are nodding in recognition already.

today i noticed as well that i’m talking too fast and acting a little frenetic and it dawned on me; i’m anxious!

in fact, i’m freaking out.

i’m terrified that something will happen and i won’t be able to make the rent (it’s skin of my teeth and will cost me more than about three months of the year at the studio than i’m renting space at and about what a decent month costs me now, but a good month will make me a lot more money) but i’m still delighted to be fixing my expenses at last.

i know that my parents won’t let me screw othercat and that if they lived in canada they would guarantee for me which is slightly comforting. massively less comforting is the idea of asking them for help.

anyway i think i’m afraid that all my clients will suddenly decide that they hate me [yes, irrational i know] and dump me and all my group classes will fire me and the doc will stop referring and my clients will never refer me anyone else and and and.

geeze i’m a bit losing it.

so i get it why i haven’t been sleeping but seriously body if you slept better you’d feel better and be less anxious. it doesn’t help that i’ve been burning the candle at both ends for a couple of weeks in spite of myself.

heck my last restful weekend involved a sewer snake and a new toilet and the one before that involved a two day hangover.

this one looks a little more likely to induce rest and once i hand over my thirteen hundred and fifteen dollar (parking) bank draft i’ll probably feel better about the whole thing. i think i’m really most worried about the first few months because i have to pay rent at the new place AND at the studio in march.

which, you know, brutal.

not to even get started on how concerned for othercat i am. i’m not allowed to worry because that’s counter-productive but i’m sure stressed out about him. this is a really shitty thing that’s happening to him and i really hope that he gets his vision back.

all in all it seems i’m freaking out a little and i’m trying really hard to stay calm but it isn’t working.

not to mention? can’t climb until february at least so i don’t even have a method of release…

*deep breath*

this is hard.

on a lighter note it took me several days to recognize anxious.

know what that means?

yup, i’m very rarely anxious.



my apartment has windows and lovely window sills that will give the girls heated bums when they sit to stare out at the trees and all the animals running amok in the wall of the ravine that we look at.


amok, what a great word.


the ravine that we’re on the fifth floor of.



dear universe,

may i please have this apartment? and if i can’t may i have one that’s better instead?

hrm i don’t know if there’s a better one for my purposes.


dear universe,

please make othercat okay.



dear universe,

could the leafs please make the playoffs?


that is all [hubris(tm)]



  1. holy crap. no wonder you’re anxious. that’s a full plate of anxiety you’ve got there.

    but i just know — i feel it — that everything will turn out the way you want it to. i’m sending those thoughts to the universe, too.

    (i love amok, too. excellent word.)

    Comment by terry — January 12, 2007 @ 12:25 am | Reply

  2. geeze terry i was still editing! ;>

    yeah, it really is… somehow writing it out makes me see that it’s normal for me to feel stressed and it’s having a bit of a calming effect maybe.

    thanks terry, i was sort of hoping everyone else would, especially for othercat.

    (isn’t it just?)

    Comment by sassinak — January 12, 2007 @ 12:49 am | Reply

  3. *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *breathe* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *breathe* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *breathe* *stroke* …

    I love how it doesn’t seem like you’re sweating when you’re submersed in water… I’ve always enjoyed that sensation.

    *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke* *stroke*


    Comment by Pile — January 12, 2007 @ 1:10 am | Reply

  4. It’s gonna be alright. Keep your thoughts (energy) on the beautiful new place. Think about how great it’s going to be and how you will have plenty of money. This really does work – energy focusing – but it’s not easy. We tend to focus on the negative because we are a society of worriers. I’m pulling for you.

    Comment by lovemonkey — January 12, 2007 @ 6:54 am | Reply

  5. you be ok. we all be ok. that is hopefully the nature of the world. weve all been ok so far, right, with everything weve already coped with? that bodes well for the continuing okness. i love you. say hi to other for me. genitori have been anxiously checking your blog to see if you got the place. ill let er know you got a new post.

    Comment by lividviv — January 12, 2007 @ 8:13 am | Reply

  6. pile: :P

    dude that’s just it, all this time at the hospital and apartment hunting has eaten my cardio time…next week should be better

    gah i feel out of shape and annoyed about it… but still swimming is not the release climbing is.

    lovemonkey: what are you doing up at 6:45am???

    thank you and you’re right… and once i give them money and they’re processing the application it will probably get easier… but damm it’s hard right now.

    god i want it.

    and thanks :)

    lividviv: you are correct darlin’ you are… at least i figured out i was anxious right?

    i shall say hi to him for you, he emailed you last night i think… tell them i’ll know this week coming…

    love you

    Comment by sassinak — January 12, 2007 @ 9:12 am | Reply

  7. I will do my best to send good vibes your way. (Except about the Leafs, of course… GO RED WINGS!!!)


    Comment by Jim McKee — January 12, 2007 @ 11:32 am | Reply

  8. jim: thanks darlin’ … send em especially to othercat

    go leafs go!!! :)

    (i’ll root for your team to MAKE the playoffs and nothing more if you do it back? once the playoffs start all bets are off of course :)

    Comment by sassinak — January 12, 2007 @ 11:49 am | Reply

  9. Oh dollface…I totally feel you. I am on the other end, trying to find someone to replace my roommate when she leaves for NYC. I don’t know when she is going but I know she is going at some point. And I have the looming cloud of maybe having to pay for the whole mortgage by myself. Also there is the renewal of the condo insurance. Ugh…life is expensive and messy. I am keeping my fingers crossed for both of us…and for Othercat.


    Comment by Natalia — January 13, 2007 @ 9:51 am | Reply

  10. Othercat’s demise is freaky already!

    As for you, chickie, quit worrying so friggin much. The only damn thing worrying does is make you hold the stick too tight and fuck up your fine game. Relax and have some faith in yourself and your agreement with life.

    Would you care to wager on your beloved Leafs?

    Comment by pyrhonik — January 13, 2007 @ 10:53 am | Reply

  11. A wise woman said to me once,

    “leap and the net will appear”

    And it did. Granted I think she borrowed it from someone else (not sure whom). But the basic tenet remains.

    I’m thinking good thoughts for everyone who needs me to. Which, as far as I’m concerned, is everyone.

    Comment by Jmai — January 14, 2007 @ 1:20 pm | Reply

  12. nat: well i don’t think you’ll have too much trouble finding a roommate, and you know more what you do and don’t care about right?

    i think you’ll be okay. i pay everything but my teacher insurance monthly.. crap that’s coming in april…


    pyr: the rumours of his demise are greatly exaggerated, he only can’t see he’s not dead.

    as for me, once i realised that i was anxious and worrying and sort of acknowledged it it got a lot easier to take and handle. and othercat is at home now which also helps :)

    dude othercat and i have a standing wager, if the leafs make the finals of the stanley cup i’ll die my hair blue and if they win i’ll shave my head :)

    what are you offering to bet?

    jmai it isn’t fair quoting my own quotes back at me like that, geeze. and i’m leapin’ i dropped off my last month’s rent and now i see if they approve the application.

    and i got it from aida at a ron fletcher workshop.

    i like your good thoughs thing…

    Comment by sassinak — January 14, 2007 @ 5:27 pm | Reply

  13. Good luck to you.

    Go swimming.

    Hey our coop’s wait list is open from now until the end of February if you’re interested in moving again in the future.

    Comment by clarity — January 14, 2007 @ 10:01 pm | Reply

  14. Hey good luck with that apartment….here’s hoping hey?? If the universe don’t listen, send it a bunch of flowers, maybe it just needs a little romance :)

    Comment by debambam — January 15, 2007 @ 2:47 am | Reply

  15. Obviously you have zero faith in the Leafs because you are (justifiably) vain about the hair. I can’t imagine you wagering a head-shave unless you expected them to pull their usual antics…*choke*…*choke*….

    Comment by Princess Valium — January 15, 2007 @ 7:07 am | Reply

  16. clarity: thank thee

    want to go with me?

    i like your coop but it’s location isn’t suitable for what i do… too far from the subway and the downtown core. and the place i found is perfect i think… thanks for telling me though.

    deb: heh

    i wonder if anyone ever sends the universe flowers… i thank it sometimes…

    PV: dude, i’m vain but the shit grows fast and i’ve *always* wanted an excuse to shave my own head… so it’s not about the hair at all, it just seemed a suitably big bet.

    and i have tons of faith in the leafs, just like every other leafs fan :)

    Comment by sassinak — January 15, 2007 @ 4:51 pm | Reply

  17. new apartment?! AHHH!!! you must post pictures…because i am a real estate fanatic.

    seriously. i’m sitting here looking at places to move to, and i just moved into this apartment. makes sense, eh?!

    Comment by da buttah — January 17, 2007 @ 10:35 am | Reply

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