snapshots of an idle mind

February 14, 2007


Filed under: dating,life,moving,responsibility,seasonal — sassinak @ 2:09 pm


oh god

it’s vd day again.

and funnily enough i’m not angsty about the fact that it’s yet another hallmark holiday that i’m celebrating single. i’m really not. i do not in fact care.


ah yes there is nonetheless some angst.

i am now moving in EXACTLY two weeks and one day. alternately i’m moving in two weeks less two days but that’s very unlikely because the current tenant is letting them in to fix the place but not to give it to me. (it’s the renter’s sister, there was a death)

the landlord won’t give her money for those days so she won’t surrender the keys although she will let them in to work. as long as the place is fixed in time i don’t give a shit about a few days here and there.

except i do.

i can’t WAIT to move. just cannot.

of course i haven’t started packing yet, have you not MET me? [shut up, reading my blog for a year counts!] {besides, if i pack in a place this small i can’t live so i’m having a nice easy packing marathon the friday-monday before i move and then i’ll live out of a duffel until i go}(i’m such a liar, i’ll take a stab at it on the weekend and get a few things done and most of it will happen on tuesday evening and wednesday all day and last minute thursday morning.)

i’m so tired of this apartment and this building and the people fucking and peeing and shouting and smoking outside my window.

i’m tired of the people here and being cold all winter and having a kitchen floor that feels mounted on a block of ice.

i’m especially tired of how hard it is to find parking in the summer and the incredibly small nature of my apartment.

my apartment is so small that lsd said it felt like it was hugging him. (yes that’s a testament to my homemaking as well)

my LIVING ROOM in my new place?

yeah, bigger than my whole apartment is here. hell my new kitchen is bigger than my kitchen and my bathroom put together are now. [bedrooms are nearly identical but my closet is bigger now]

i have an entranceway!

i have windows and UTILITY CLOSETS and uncounted kitchen cupboards!

i have a parking spot and bicycle parking and more than two washer/dryer pairs.

i have elevators and great floors and HIGH CIELINGS!

but then i look at this little spot. this darling little one-bedroom with the fantastic floors and the most amazing natural light in the afternoons that it really does feel like it’s hugging you.

i admire the enormous bedroom closet and the tiny kitchen with all the storage space possible.

i see how there are somehow enough windows in here even though it’s a basement and i mourn.

i mourn because they’re tearing it apart and ripping out the wall and turning it into a bachelor with weird closets and i cannot fathom why they are doing it.

i am the last person who will ever live in and be cocooned by this wonderful space and that is a tragedy.

someone else was supposed to move in here. another broken human who needed a cocoon to rebuild themselves with. it wasn’t supposed to be just another overpriced room in toronto. it was supposed to be just another overpriced one bedroom dammit.

i’ve left a pleading message with the property manager to spend five minutes in here when my stuff is out of it and to really just get what a great little space it is.

i hope she does it.



she isn’t tearing out the wall, it’s a silly rumour someone started and she says they wouldn’t consider it because the space is great how it is.




  1. Glad things are going your way, always thought they should.

    Comment by Tom Allred — February 14, 2007 @ 7:30 pm | Reply

  2. i can’t believe i welled up at your tribute to your apartment…!

    i think that’s a tribute to your writing.

    i can’t imagine how i’ll feel if/when i ever move out of where i am now. it’s been “home” for most of my adult life.

    i’m so glad you’re moving to a happier space.

    Comment by terry — February 14, 2007 @ 7:43 pm | Reply

  3. Dude, I know you love your current space, in the same way you would love a mongrel dog that ripped apart your garbage every night and pissed on your porch.

    But you gotta keep in mind that the apartment doesn’t emote. It won’t feel any pain or have an existential crisis when the wall is knocked down. If you subscribe to the theory of place memory, you could argue that those memories will get destroyed along with the wall– but still– you have the original copy in your delightful knotty brain, so nothing is lost after all.

    It’s perfect that you’re moving– leave the cocoon and spread your damp little wings in the sunlight for a while. You’ll love it.

    Comment by Princess Valium — February 14, 2007 @ 10:10 pm | Reply

  4. Oh that just sounds delightful…and I’m talking about both of them! I really hope that the agent does do what you’ve requested of her. It would be a shame to see such a beautiful thing destroyed. It’s an all too common thing these days.
    Happy Valentine’s Day to one and all

    Comment by debambam — February 15, 2007 @ 4:37 am | Reply

  5. I read this and thought it was so touching that you could feel this way about your home. And it made me sad to think of you leaving it, even though the place you’re going to sounds fantastic. There is something to be said for being and becoming emotionally attached to your surroundings.

    But then I read PV’s comment and I thought it was a perfect wrap-up for this post. Hugs are lovely and everyone needs them. But I’m glad you’re getting a chance to break out and spread your wings and enjoy the warmth of the sunlight reflecting off the hardwood floors and the sound of the water outside your window (you did say there was some sort of ravine, non?). And make a new huggable home somewhere else.

    Comment by JMai — February 15, 2007 @ 8:35 am | Reply

  6. yeshua: are you aware that your blog is broken?

    and thank you for that!

    terry: it really is a great space with nice energy and light. i’m really glad to find out they aren’t killing it. and thank you, that’s an exemplary compliment coming from you.

    you know your comment about where you live now almost makes me think you should move just for the change… but then i think about rent control and housing costs and don’t after all :)

    oh my new space is going to be all wood and white and cream. god i can’t wait… just to open my door and see a kitchen!

    PV: now that’s a little uncalled for… i would call animal control on a dog like that *g* and this space is too small for me but is in fact awesome :)

    i hate to see a thing destroyed for no good reason and this was no good reason. i’m glad to find they aren’t doing it, it makes the leap a little more cushiony.

    that said, my wings are wet and itchy and can’t wait to spread out!

    Comment by sassinak — February 15, 2007 @ 5:54 pm | Reply

  7. deb: she did it turns out… in fact it turns out it’s a big kafuffle out of nothing… but it helped me to separate from the place you know?

    and yeah, it really is. no one looks at what is, just at what they could put on top of it.

    jmai: i’ve loved most of my homes but this one has a big old hook in my heart. and i am sad to be leaving this place, it nurtured me and let me heal and grow and i got gaydar and everything. it’s still bad but at least i HAVE gaydar now.

    this may be the first place i’ve lived as an adult that wasn’t my parents that i really loved… except that other basement in ottawa… some places just get you.

    and yes, pv is exactly right and that’s just how i feel myself. i have outgrown this place and i’ve known that for like a year but there’s something to be said for a place you feel safe.

    no, no water but parks and trees. er trees and a wall of hill outside my window and parks all around the front and the ‘hood. and yeah, hopefully i can make it huggy in a light and airy and spacious way.

    you know it’s two and a half times the size of my current space?

    Comment by sassinak — February 16, 2007 @ 1:52 am | Reply

  8. Cool news on the move, I’m pretty much the same style as you so I understand completely. Glad she’s leaving it the same, too.

    Comment by kathi — February 18, 2007 @ 10:44 am | Reply

  9. I think moving is good for a person. First, it gives you a feeling of growth and change which is always great for one’s overall mentality. Second, it gives you a chance to clean out things both physically and emotionally. By having to move, you are forced to go through everything you own. You are confronted with all of your old memories and must decide which ones you will throw out and move past, or which ones you’ll keep just a while longer. You reassess your needs: does this box of junk really need to come with me? It’s still packed up from the last move… or… man, I better make sure this gets packed up, I’d be lost without it! Things long forgotten are remembered, things that should be forgotten are finally tossed out. It’s time to progress: moving out and moving forward. It sounds like you have a great new place in which to start the new chapter of Sass. Best of luck!

    Comment by John — February 19, 2007 @ 11:24 am | Reply

  10. I hate packing.

    I’m glad VD is over.

    Good luck…I look forward to reading about your moving escapades

    Comment by Kristen — February 19, 2007 @ 5:48 pm | Reply

  11. Snoopydance of Homity :) Seriously!


    Comment by Natalia — February 20, 2007 @ 10:41 am | Reply

  12. kathi: thanks babe, i’m super stoked to do it. you move the way i do do you ? that’s no fun but it is quick and dirty!

    it’s amazing the sense of relief i feel that she isn’t changing it!

    john: i think my sister put it best for me. i hate moving out but i love moving in. and that’s just it. the part where you, on a deadline yet, have to go through your life and put it in boxes is hard… but the part where you put it all away all happy and snug where you’re going? that’s just awesome.

    that said, you are entirely correct, there is a new chapter coming and i’m very excited about it!

    kj: me too.

    me too.

    thanks! :)

    nat: homity? that wierd english pie?

    i’m confused…

    Comment by sassinak — February 20, 2007 @ 2:23 pm | Reply

  13. Impressive! Thank you.

    Comment by Iris Weaver — March 14, 2007 @ 8:25 pm | Reply

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