snapshots of an idle mind

June 25, 2007

playing nice

Filed under: anxiety,friendship,life — sassinak @ 8:24 am

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you know

if there’s one thing i hate it’s people who won’t tell the truth.

that’s not quite what i mean. i mean that thing where people don’t tell you the truth because they think it will hurt you. that thing where they never think about the fact that in the long run you’ll get hurt so much more when you find out what’s really going on.

we’ve all done it.

we’ve said that some piece of clothing or haircut was nice because someone desperately wanted us to like it even though we didn’t. we’ve been noncommittal when it was easier than being clear and we’ve hedged and hemmed rather than say what we were thinking.

and most of the time it’s okay.

but sometimes it’s really not.

sometimes, no matter how hurtful you think it will be, you need to just tell the truth. especially when it’s the hardest.

exactly when you think it’s going to hurt the most.

that’s nearly always when the actual truth is the most important.

there was a man once who didn’t tell me the truth when i told him that i liked him. he obfuscated and teased me and i hadn’t read ‘he’s just not that into you’ yet. so i fell down the rabbit hole.

if he had told me the truth i would never have had such trouble. i would have just known not to get my hopes up and been able to move on.

that’s the easiest example because it’s the one that happens the most often. it’s the one place that it’s hard to be honest because we know that someone’s emotions are involved. it’s so hard to tell someone a hard truth when you care about them.

i’ve done this to my friends before in certain ways. gotten so fed up with them and their crap that it’s finally been worth just telling them what i thought and you know what?

it’s universally gone well.

every single time. for some reason people are always really grateful when i tell them the hardest things. they’ve thanked me and appreciated it every single time.

but why is it that it doesn’t get any easier?

it’s always so damm hard to just open your mouth and say the things that are true. it’s easy to just say things that are non-committal and hem and haw and hope that it goes away.

but i’m really learning that it’s when it’s the hardest that it’s the most important. that it’s those times that make you want to ache with despair that are the ones when you need to get your truth telling on.

what’s amazing is how few people do it.

i know a lot of people who pride themselves on their truth telling and yet those same people seem just as likely to disseminate when the truth telling time comes and it’s weird.

i get it, don’t get me wrong.

i get it because i too have done it and tried not to do it and still do it on occasion. i just wish more people would try to be truthful more often.

myself included.

it’s so hard not to just say the nice thing. not to just go along with the status quo. not to let it slide one more day.

but i almost always regret not telling the truth.

don’t be nice to me, please, i beg you, don’t be nice to me. you can sugarcoat a little or maybe be a little less harsh but nonetheless, don’t pull your punches. wear a boxing glove sure but if you care for me at all?

just tell me the truth.

June 22, 2007

ahhhh

Filed under: bliss,food,friendship,life,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:36 pm

oh man

othercat and i just created the most awesome dinner together.

earlier in the week we made a deal that i would go to the market for us and meet him at his place and that i would cook the weekly jam night dinner.

then… events transpired.

our fearless guitarist mr. law took sick with the poisoning of food and thus we were forced to hang with each other and skip making magical music in a trusting and talented group.

othercat got off work early and decided to pick me up and take me to the market, thus saving my ankle, and we (mostly he) selected pork chops for dinner. we acquired some grape roma tomatoes (SOOOO GOOD!!) and some fresh licorice along with berries and homeward were we bound.

and then? inspiration hit.

othercat said ‘here’s the worcestershire sauce’ and i said “hrm, i’m holding beer” and thus genius was born. i soaked all but the top of the chops in beer and worcestershire sauce and then smeared the tops with minced garlic, rosemary and montreal steak spice.

cover with a plate and fuck off.
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snack on tomatoes.
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now its later and we’ve eaten our sushi appetizer and i throw some taters on to steam.

further fucking off ensues,
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i come back, poke the taters and leave again,
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i come back, poke the taters, put the chops on the grill (spice side down, same spices added to previously virginal side). chops go on ignore.

taters get dumped out of the steamer, dumped into pan filled with sizzling olive oil, minced garlic and rosemary.

new pan goes on with water and steamer on it.

fucking off with beer ensues,
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return

flip chops, baste with leftover liquid from marinade, stir fuck out of potatoes

repeat
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balcony break
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put veggies in steamer [chunked broccoli]
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remove veggies, toss in fry pan with olive oil, fresh grated parmesan cheese, garlic powder and pepper.

stir
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stir, flip, stir, stir, flip stir.

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serve with more roma grape tomatoes

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die of food coma happiness.
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dress with fruit smoothie for dessert.

June 20, 2007

stolen leaf from nat

Filed under: life,tags,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 10:22 am

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i didn’t steal the tag, just the idea of doing the latest email survey i received here on my blog.

These things are great fun if you have time to do them.

Welcome to the 2007 edition of getting to know your Friends.

What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you’ll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already.

cause yeah all bloggers know the above but if you want to re-emailify this one you should have the original text.

1. What time did you get up this morning? it’s friday so 7:30 (well the alarm STARTED at 7 but me likey the snooze) and now it’s wednesday so 5:45am.

2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds, i likes the glinty bits… but really sapphires.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? uh… fuck um… brokeback mountain? no, no it was short bus.  and brokeback sucked.
4. What is your favorite TV show? just one? okay um… gilmore girls

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? IF i eat it? maggie’s on charles (restaurant i loooove)

6. Favorite cuisine? italian.. the real kind

7. What is your middle name(s)? rachel

8. What food do you dislike? apparently i have something against purple. beets, eggplant, radcchio, that purple shit they put in salads…

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? us3 – an ordinary day in an unusual place (for a YEAR now)

10. What kind of car do you drive? 93 honda accord five speed. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

11. Favorite sandwich? club. or avocado/chicken/brie… but really club, the original not fucked with club. putting it on a kaiser is not on!

12. What characteristic do you desise? despise? desire?

okay i desire patience

i despise despising.

13. Favorite item of clothing? tie dyed hat

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? all of asia but especially hong kong, rural japan, thailand, singapore and a side trip to australia and new zealand

15. What color is your bathroom? bathroom coloured? uh beige and light brown with a funky shower curtain.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? free aka hand-me-down. otherwise hrm… asics for shoes and danskin for work stuff and jacob connection for fun stuff.

17. Where would you retire to? i don’t get to retire, i get to grow old while gracefully teaching sweet young things like my current self the secrets of their bodies and how to share those secrets with their students

18. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 31

19. Favorite sport to watch? summer – tennis, winter – hockey

20. Furthest place you are sending this? it’s a blog dude.

21. How many do you think will send this back? see above.

22. Who will have the craziest answers?
nat or terry

23. Favorite saying? dude!

24. When is your birthday? august 12th

25. Are you a morning person or a night person? i like mornings… if i’m still awake from the night before!

26. What is your shoe size? 9.5-11 depending.

27. Pets? harriet and mouse… the cats :)

28. Do you have any exciting news you’d like to share with us? i’m getting a cadillac (pilates trapeze table)

29. What did you want to be when you were little? princess, vet, astronaut, fighter pilot, regular pilot, etc.

30. How are you today? tired and a little bummed and jonesing for maggie’s

31. What is your favorite candy? candy? jelly beans. candy in a larger description – peanut butter cups. please note i don’t consider GOOD chocolate to be candy but rather a food group.

32. What is your favorite flower? outside? asiatic lilies. inside? anything large and lush and currently blooming but not dead or scented.

33. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? the next one

34. What church do you attend? the church of mind the body. aka body awareness with guidance from my gurus.

33. What is your full name? dude it’s the internet, sassinak rachel whatever is all you get.

34. What are you listening to right now? wind in trees

35. What was the last thing you ate? chocolate birthday cake with peanut butter icing. at 7:40am

36. Do you wish on stars? not so much anymore… but sometimes if i’m really really trying to figure shit out.

37. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? purple or orange

38. How is the weather right now? cool, but summer cool so still nice.

39. Last person you spoke to on the phone? client’s voice mail. otherwise othercat.

40. Do you like the person who sent this to you? of course, she’s awesome!

42. Favorite soft drink? brio

43. Favorite restaurant? maggie’s for breakfast or lunch (only the one on charles, the others suck) and um… god so many dinner choices and only one good breakfast choice…

44. Hair color? chestnut according to an artist… brown for everyone else.

45 . Siblings? my awesome sister lividviv

46. Favorite day of the year? in no particular order… my birthday, hallowe’en and christmas. and all of the rest of them :) [and they aren’t about presents they’re about presence]

47. What was your favorite toy as a child? the lake and trees and rocks outside my house. or tinker toy, the originals in wood.
49. Hugs or kisses? yes

50. Chocolate or Vanilla? TWIST!

51. Do you want your friends to email you back? any of my friends that wish to may do this if they like.

52. When was the last time you cried? i think it was when my cat athena died. sappho didn’t inspire crying though she inspired as much grief.

53. What is under your bed? the floor. also an aerobics step.

54. Who is the friend you have had the longest? k.

55. What did you do last night? climbing gym.

56. Favorite smell? just before or just after a thunderstorm.

57. What are you afraid of? that it’s just me.

58. Plain, buttered, or salted popcorn? lightly buttered please.

60. How many keys on your key ring? which ring? two car keys, three house keys, three studio keys, one access card…

61. How many years at your current job? four in november but three with any kind of income.

62. Favorite day of the week? tough one… friday or sunday

63. How many towns have you lived in? seriously? oh god towns? does that count cities? okay assuming it does… 13 but sort of toronto twice… so in a strange illegal way 14.

64. Do you make friends easily? i make acquaintances easily.

65. How many people will you be sending this to? whoever reads it.

66. Last person you told you loved: my cat mouse

June 12, 2007

funny funny

Filed under: anxiety,life,random — sassinak @ 11:00 pm

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i have this funny thing happening inside me.

you see it all started when someone, a lady i know, asked me a question i didn’t know the answer to.

i was a bit flummoxed because i thought the answer to that question was obvious. i thought i knew what it was. i was even certain.

in fact i started to answer the question with the old answer. i went to trot out the usual dog and pony show and then i was faced with this sudden realisation.

the usual dog and pony show wasn’t there.

in it’s place was a non-show, a non-starter, a placeholder if you will. a whole lotta nothin’ in fact.

i might have even stuttered.

funnily enough, although the rocking of my world was rather revolutionary it doesn’t really matter what the what actually was.

it’s more the feeling. this sort of cosmic uncertainty that almost feels unfillable and leaves a little hole where i thought there was filling. it’s tilted my planet on an axis it didn’t know was there and it’s such a neat feeling after all is said and done.

i don’t know.

do you know that the more i say that phrase the happier it makes me?

i don’t know if i’m having kids or not.

i don’t know if driving to get my cadillac *happy dance* with my dad will be fun or not but i’m leaning toward mass fun.

i don’t know if i will ever do a roll-up.

i don’t know how much more poverty i can take. fortunately that appears to be something i will get to look back on soon (for a while anyway). hate to count on it.

i don’t know when or how.

i don’t know…

i don’t know if he’ll say yes. or if i have the courage to ask.

i don’t know…

i don’t know if mouse is okay, ask me in a week.

i don’t know how i feel.

man that last one is true of so many things!

that last one is true of many of that list even as they are their own separate thoughts. it’s kind of interesting. i’m enjoying the lack of knowing. i feel as though i’ve flung my future to the vagaries of the universe and that i have relinquished all power over it.

and yet i continue to plan and worry.

since when am i a worrier?

since i broke? since i got tired of being broke? since the first big vet bill? since i stopped wanting to ask my parents for money? [which i willingly did for my business, strange but true] since when?

i don’t know that either.

i don’t know when i started to stress out about things, probably about the time i accepted, or at least tried, responsibility for my own bills. i know i cared a lot less when i was twenty than i do now.

but now?

now i may have learned something more important.

i don’t know.

i don’t know shit and it feels good.

June 11, 2007

erk!

Filed under: anxiety,friendship,life,pets,pilates,responsibility,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:53 pm

so i’m trying a new keyboard that rolls up and fits in your pocket and here’s what i have so far: [don’t worry this turns into a post shortly]

okay, i have no idea where the backspace key is and now that i’ve found it i think it’s moronic. i have to twist my wrist to get there. the keys are a little slow or something, or i haven’t figured out how to hit them yet because i keep missing some of them.

anyway i think i have to figure out the wrist configuration or something. it seems i’ll have to learn to type with proper form again because these keys expect professional typist rather than lazy ircer which is what i’ve become. the backspace key man, it’s too much work.

i think this keyboard would be okay when you got used to it and that it’s too small for my large hands but that it might be nice for someone with a heavy laptop.

personally i think i prefer putting my laptop on a clipboard.

regardless it’s neat but the key stroke angles are funny.

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it’s been a heavy week, and the kind of heavy i’m not ready to talk about. that said, some strange things are colouring everything that’s going on.

my cat mouse

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mouse likes corn chips by the way, how weird is that?

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my cat mouse is having bladder issues. for the second time in as many weeks (ten days ago to be precise) she was in the vet for what tested as nothing but presented as bladder infection.

they gave her fluids, got her peeing and said if she didn’t get better to get some antibiotics.

she got better.

cut to today

she peed THREE TIMES in fifteen minutes and the first one she looked up at me and did this pitiful little meow.

then she peed in the tub. er make that tried to pee.

so i have fluids at home and instructions for how to use them and if it happens again we’re talking kidney x-rays and expensive tests.  currently they’re calling it stress induced cystitis adn i accepted that but then i thought to myself… self?  since when is she stressed?

yeah.

go fluids!

okay so the other colouration to my life is that shane moved to vancouver.

yeah.

she goes and makes friends with me, turns out to be that convenient human you can randomly call who will actually go out for lunch with you on ten minutes notice and she’s all nice and stuff.

in other words she moved into my life like a whirlwind, got me dressing like a girl again and going out in public and then fucked off to vancouver…

i understand why and everything i just miss my brunch buddy.

so basically i’m worried about my cat and i miss my excellent new friend and then all this weird and crazy shit is happening around me.

don’t misunderstand, there’s also some really great stuff happening.

i made a deal on a cadillac with the help of my parents and the release of my birthday and christmas presents so though i won’t get presents later i’m getting a HUGE one now!

i’m going to try to pay at least half so i still get a christmas gift though, i like gifts… course i like cadillacs more *grin*

i’m really excited about this because my back is suffering from all the working on the floor that i’m doing and my clients have a hard time getting up and down off the ground so all in all this is a really fantastic change.

my living room will no longer be able to pretend that it’s a living room but what the heck, i’ll have a cadillac and then i’ll be able to do duets! [sessions with two people where they each get a machine]

this is, nonetheless, very heavy. i’ve had to ask my parents for cash every birthday since i started this job because august is SO tight in this business but this year seems to be doing a little better so we’ll see what happens right?

right?

it’ll be fine right?

right.

okay so heavy things are afoot but all of them are good. it’s more a case of someone offering to put their money where my mouth is so now i have to decide what i really want.

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regarding the last post “left fields,” i’ve read every comment, taken a lot of them to heart and am doing some long hard thinking. i promise, when i get a little less muddled, to write a follow-up post that addresses many of the amazing points raised and adds my personal response to them.

that is, however; a post for another day because it’s going to have to percolate through my brain for a while before i can make anything coherent about it.

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shut up, some of my posts are so coherent!

;>

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