snapshots of an idle mind

June 12, 2007

funny funny

Filed under: anxiety,life,random — sassinak @ 11:00 pm

.

i have this funny thing happening inside me.

you see it all started when someone, a lady i know, asked me a question i didn’t know the answer to.

i was a bit flummoxed because i thought the answer to that question was obvious. i thought i knew what it was. i was even certain.

in fact i started to answer the question with the old answer. i went to trot out the usual dog and pony show and then i was faced with this sudden realisation.

the usual dog and pony show wasn’t there.

in it’s place was a non-show, a non-starter, a placeholder if you will. a whole lotta nothin’ in fact.

i might have even stuttered.

funnily enough, although the rocking of my world was rather revolutionary it doesn’t really matter what the what actually was.

it’s more the feeling. this sort of cosmic uncertainty that almost feels unfillable and leaves a little hole where i thought there was filling. it’s tilted my planet on an axis it didn’t know was there and it’s such a neat feeling after all is said and done.

i don’t know.

do you know that the more i say that phrase the happier it makes me?

i don’t know if i’m having kids or not.

i don’t know if driving to get my cadillac *happy dance* with my dad will be fun or not but i’m leaning toward mass fun.

i don’t know if i will ever do a roll-up.

i don’t know how much more poverty i can take. fortunately that appears to be something i will get to look back on soon (for a while anyway). hate to count on it.

i don’t know when or how.

i don’t know…

i don’t know if he’ll say yes. or if i have the courage to ask.

i don’t know…

i don’t know if mouse is okay, ask me in a week.

i don’t know how i feel.

man that last one is true of so many things!

that last one is true of many of that list even as they are their own separate thoughts. it’s kind of interesting. i’m enjoying the lack of knowing. i feel as though i’ve flung my future to the vagaries of the universe and that i have relinquished all power over it.

and yet i continue to plan and worry.

since when am i a worrier?

since i broke? since i got tired of being broke? since the first big vet bill? since i stopped wanting to ask my parents for money? [which i willingly did for my business, strange but true] since when?

i don’t know that either.

i don’t know when i started to stress out about things, probably about the time i accepted, or at least tried, responsibility for my own bills. i know i cared a lot less when i was twenty than i do now.

but now?

now i may have learned something more important.

i don’t know.

i don’t know shit and it feels good.

Advertisements

4 Comments »

  1. I don’t know either. It’s a tough thing for someone like my who stands in front of a class of 100 and fields all their questions. Although I always tell other people I might train that saying “I don’t know” to students is OK and even something that shows you are human and, hence, fallible. But my world has been turned upside down a few times over the last few months. So not knowing has become a big variable in my life. There has been no other option than to accept it. I don’t know because a lot of it is not up to me. And even the things that are up to me I have not made decisions on because I don’t know yet. I think I am expecting that at some point I will. But I refuse to make decisions about things where the jury is still out. I so totally get where you are. It’s funny how I’ve had that feeling about this and the other post…that you and I, even if our situations are different, are in the same mental and emotional place. It helps to know I am not the only one, though.

    *hugs*

    -N

    Comment by Natalia — June 15, 2007 @ 8:56 am | Reply

  2. That’s funny… I don’t know, either.

    Kind of going through a mid-life crisis (I’ll be 47 next month)… And I’m contemplating a career change… I have a couple of different choices I’m leaning towards… both of which would be WAYYY more fulfilling than what I’m doing now. Both would take 1 to 2 years of school to achieve, and both would involve an initial pay cut of 25 to 30%. So, I have to figure out if I’m motivated enough to do the schooling, and also try to reduce my living expenses by roughly that percentage.

    Comment by Jim McKee — June 15, 2007 @ 10:25 am | Reply

  3. Who says you have to know?

    That’s the best thing, IMO, when you know that you don’t know. Then there’s learnin’ to do. Satisfying the curiosity.

    The big problem is that the ‘don’t know’ portions expand with the realization that no matter how much we know, there’s more that we don’t know.

    …..alright then. I’m going to lie down after all this exhausting stuff and read The Walrus.

    Don’t forget……(subliminal message) Blue Ridge Parkway.

    Comment by gabi — June 15, 2007 @ 3:37 pm | Reply

  4. i find that “i don’t know” is tremendously freeing.

    i thought i always knew. others have always expected me to know. if i didn’t know, i’d find out for them.

    “i don’t know” rocks.

    Comment by terry — June 16, 2007 @ 12:28 pm | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: