snapshots of an idle mind

July 26, 2007

fasting diary

Filed under: bliss,exercise,fasting,food,life,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:10 pm

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day one

weight: 182lbs

go out for breakfast with goddess and discuss life and love and having babies by yourself. treasure each bite of food since you know that’s all she wrote for ten days.

clean house and try to hire new maid

make lemon drink and get lemon seeds everywhere

take self out for reward pedicure

remember how strangely satisfying drink is.

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day two:

weight: 180lbs

forget how long drink takes to prepare in morning and show up five minutes late for first client. note mild headache and add more water to life.

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day three:

weight: 179lbs

go climbing for the second time in two days and then sleep like a baby

note need for further rest.

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day four:

177lbs

start settling in to this fast thing and note disappearance of headache and general feeling of well being

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day five

weight 178lbs

wake up feeling great and full of energy. laugh at absurdity of weight scale. get grumpy with man at laptop store who is utterly incompetent. revel in accidental afternoon off.

shop for stuff and end up in local bar drinking tea and flirting with nice men from seattle. find out too late who the most interesting one is. wonder why so many men i’m into are american.

getting food cravings pretty fiercely, considering stopping fast monday rather than wednesday if they don’t subsist.

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day six

weight: 176lbs

get ass kicked by pilates teacher

beg off from attending wedding celebration/potluck bbq of friends because driving an hour each way seems homicidal in state of strange blissed outness am in [like crashing the car homicidal]. spend afternoon reading eat, pray, love instead. note how funnily appropriate it is to read while fasting.

attend croquet party and cry over all the beautiful food you can only smell but enjoy client’s awesome friends and be glad you went.

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day seven

weight: 175lbs

note that there are easier ways to lose weight.

teach last sunday class ever unless being nice substitute like person, note feeling of absurd well-being and peace and go climbing.

send problem was working on, hang with af and head to the farm for the night to see the fandamily.

learn something incredibly disappointing about someone and laugh hysterically when driving by inglis sign on way to farm and quote of day is “remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck”

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day eight

weight: 176 on scale that isn’t yours

sleep until noon at farm and wake feeling totally refreshed. still filled with peace and joy and quiet contentment. wonder why eyes aren’t god touched while completely failing to notice god touched soul.

several clients have ‘eureka’ moments in classes with self.

boulder a little at gym, smile at cute boy but notice that he isn’t as into you as you thought he might be darnit.

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day nine

weight: 172lbs

teach lovely classes all day and climb some with af. make jokes about being the meat in that sandwich about two gorgeous men at gym.  climb 5.10PLUS!!!!

note that body will NEVER willingly drink this foul concoction again and wonder how bore it for last nine goddamm days.

next year? different cleanse!

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day ten

weight: 170lbs

shop for vegetables to make soup to break fast with after breaking fast with OJ. stunned at how mouth salivates at thoughts of such simple foods. wish day ten would END ALREADY as so tired of lemon drink.

really grooving on feeling of fast

meet nice man who lets you get veggies out of his garden for soup… invite him to bday shindig and hope he shows (with his lovely gf shut up.)

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day eleven

weight: 171lbs (laugh at scale again)

wake up and make ORANGE JUICE!!!!

note that TWO solid hours after making glass of 4oz of OJ and 4oz of water am still drinking same drink. be amazed how hard it is to add calories to life again. really feel fantastic and happy to have done fast.

have nap

make homemade organic vegetable soup for first meal.

pack for hillside

eat fucking awesome soup

take off to festival!!! [please note these are different posts]

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July 22, 2007

counting calories

Filed under: exercise,family,food,life,party,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 10:14 pm

oh yeah, i’m having a birthday bash august 11th, if you’re reading this and haven’t been invited yet please email me cause i’m a fuckup!

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i had this revelatory experience at the gym a while ago while i was belaying my climbing partner.  there she was climbing the walls and there i was observing the people around me while paying huge amounts of attention to the rope in my hands.

beside me was the woman who is my climbing idol at the gym i currently climb at, her climbing partner and her niece (who i thought was her sister but that’s a whole other story) and her niece happens to bite into a sandwich.

i don’t catch this bit but the niece must make some kind of face or something because her aunt says to her ‘you don’t like it?’ and she shakes her head no and aunt then says ‘so don’t eat it!’

climbing partner chimes in with advice about where to get better food in the neighbourhood and what niece can do to get something else and niece starts to smile a little but still looks uncertain.  looks, in effect, like all of us do when we’re feeling guilty about food that we think we’re supposed to eat.

and that’s when it happens.  one of them says to the young girl “don’t waste your calories on food you don’t want” and MY life is changed forever.  such a simple statement but so profound for me.

don’t waste your calories on food you don’t want.

oh!

it’s not about wasting food at ALL!  it’s about wasting the calories i can eat in a day without bloating my body and making it unhappy and fat!

so off i go with my newfound revelation about food and head into my life… and almost immediately it has an effect.  i actually push food away from me and don’t finish it repeatedly that first week.

not every time of course because well, i still need to eat a lot but the times when i would ordinarily just tough it out and finish my food i don’t do it.  i push it away.

i lose five pounds without trying.

i tell my mother my experience with this revelation about making it about my calories rather than about wasted food and she tells me her recent and similar revelation.

she says to me “well you know, i figure i can throw food away now instead of carrying twenty five extra pounds around on myself until i die and they throw it out anyway” and while i cringe at the morbidity of the image it too has an effect on me.

i suddenly get it.

it’s not about the food i am supposed to eat it’s about how much food my body actually WANTS and if i just listen and push the plate away i’ll stay thin for life.

or as my friend shane would say “put down the fork and pick up the bike.”

don’t waste your calories on food you don’t want.  thanks for that one ladies.

July 14, 2007

yellow woods

Filed under: bitter pills,family,friendship,grief,life — sassinak @ 11:18 pm

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so i’ve lost a few friends recently to some pretty violent word exchanges and i’m having a strange reaction. the part that i’m saddest about is that it had to get mean. it didn’t have to, we were slowly drifting apart and if they had just allowed that to continue we would have faded into acquaintances who saw each other every year or two at parties.

and instead there was vitriol, pretty raw and unadulterated. the kind that makes you realise that someone has been husbanding drops of resentment with every interaction no matter how innocent and you realise… you realise that someone was showing up in your life with hate in their hearts for you.

and it makes you want to smudge your life.

it’s sad, there was a great friendship there once but it’s been dying for a long time and we used to have such fun in silence and in word and activity. some of the best memories of my last four years involved at least one of the people involved.

we used to talk about the holes hiding in the corners of our hearts, we used to open ourselves to each other and let the truth flow out or discuss the things that pained us and try to heal each other with listening and good natured ribbing.

we used to go places and have adventures and share the events and the milestones of our lives. birthdays and holidays were somehow less without seeing the other and we began to act as family for one another.

that started to fade because it had to. it couldn’t stay at that level for reasons various and sundry but trust and caring were established. lives began to dis entwine and go their ways and goodwill was had. or so i thought.

and instead of telling me that i was offending with my words and actions hate was nurtured and cherished and now i feel slimed.

again i feel slimed and interestingly enough when i see the level of malice applied to me i find myself completely forgiving the last person i was angry with and lost as a friend. forgiven to the point that i’m stunned to find i’m going to make friends with that person again much more quickly than i ever would have expected. (although i always knew that i would eventually)

suddenly the difference in behaviour is clear. one is hapless and the other… why couldn’t they just have said “we’re sorry, we don’t want to be friends anymore?” why did it have to be so hateful?

i’m sorry that things had to be so foul, hopefully i will be able to lance the wound quickly but i’m not sure. i’m finding myself apologising for every thing that i say before it comes out of my mouth and i hate that. i hate that intensely.

i’ve worked for years to stop doing that. to stop apologising for my feelings or my actions or the things that i want and suddenly all i can say is i’m sorry.

but i’m not sorry that this friendship ended, i can’t imagine having someone in my home who harbors such ill will toward me and well, i find myself wondering who their next devil will be. i’m sorry that it had to get ugly, but i guess some things aren’t meant to last forever.

i’ll miss the friends we were but we haven’t been that for a long time. at some point truth was lost and where truth goes so go trust and caring.

goodbye my friend, i’ll miss the us that was…. perhaps we can forget the us that became someday and remember why we cared for each other so that at least you smile when you think of me back there in your past.

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if you know, or think you know who this post is about i ask you to please not use names or identifying characteristics. i have enough respect for the friendship that was that i will not appreciate such comments at all.

July 11, 2007

la la lalalala la la la lala

Filed under: anxiety,bliss,dancing,dating,driving,family,food,life,men — sassinak @ 3:56 pm

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that’s the smurfs theme by the way, in case anyone wants to sing along at home.

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so, we went, we got lost, we bought a cadillac.

a mint green, stainless steel and wood cadillac to be exact. a beautiful, happy in it’s new home since it’s getting used at last machine that will serve my clients and i well for years to come.

a cadillac that we dragged up elevator and down, through customs and washington [trust me, washington was harder to navigate] and made mine with a touch of my father’s blood while we put it back together in my living room.

a cadillac that my cats have appropriated instantly such that any photos of it that i take have a mouse or a harriet on them. speaking of mouse and harriet…

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how cute are they? yes that’s my reformer’s edge beside them and yes this is very early in the moving in process…

anyway, life seems to be moving along pretty well here at casa sass.

beautiful men (and i don’t mean looks but some of them are also hot) are appearing in my life in the funniest ways, they walk into my class or smile at me at the climbing gym (and i miss it of course) or i catch them staring when i’m walking down the street and so on.

it seems that some recent events in my life, which effectively involved removing a millstone from around my neck, have allowed my ‘inner glow’ to reappear.

the kind of inner glow that has total strangers, women not trying to pick me up, stopping me in the street to compliment my dress and my beautiful hourglass figure.

the kind that has every man in a room staring at me when i enter it.

the kind that has my clients saying ‘you look like a shadow has lifted from your face somehow. and no, it isn’t just the tan, i’ve had that for weeks.

i feel like i’m dancing on a cloud every single day and with the miniscule exception of some unhappy people attacking me because they’ve decided that i’m attacking them? (which i wasn’t) my life rocks!

it rocks!

i’m teaching enough to eat and pay off my credit card at last. the credit card that has sat, at it’s limit, for the last four years. the credit card which, when paid off, may allow me to max it out again in exchange for a trip to see my parents!

an actual trip to ITALY!! woo hoo!

are you getting this? that means i might get, four years since i started my business, i might get a VACATION!

more than three and a half days off in a ROW! [which i get about five times a year all together… and that counts the two day weekends too]

oh god, i think i might have to just die of happiness right now.

yes yes, i know i’m counting my chickens before they hatch. i know i have a trip to orlando to pay for in november that might preclude actual italian food on new year’s eve and i still don’t care you know why?

i’m finally working ENOUGH!

man… i didn’t know how much weight i was carrying around until that anchor fell off my neck and shattered on the road behind me.

July 4, 2007

oh my oh my oh my

Filed under: bliss,driving,family,life,pilates — sassinak @ 11:17 pm

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so my father and i are off on a road trip to virginia this weekend for to pick up my cadillac (trapeze table) and i’m really freaking excited about it.

not only do i get to stop doing matwork on the floor but i also receive, for the same low price, all the great exercises you can do on a cadillac that you can’t do on a reformer.

i desperately need to stop doing matwork on the floor because it’s wreaking havoc on my already weak and sensitive back. i get these awful little pains beside the vertebra of my spine which are the ligaments seizing up in protest.

you can imagine that this doesn’t feel very good.

in fact my teacher described my spinal ligaments as being ‘on lsd’ which was pretty cute coming from her.

i’m still completely stunned that little old me is about to get a cadillac. that means i only need to spend another fifteen hundred bucks to get a chair and i am fully outfitted!

the chair can wait but i do want one…

wow, i’m the little business that could!

not to mention?

oh yeah baby, for the first month EVER since i started this job? i will have my rent paid before the tenth of the month. that bodes well for getting a little ahead and that?

that implies the occasional sigh of relief!

plus???

GET THIS!

i gave notice for my sunday class (which i LOVE by the way) because i cannot bear to work another winter’s worth of sundays and i already sub out most of the summer.

you guys!!! i’m going to have sundays off!

actual, real life, SUNDAYS OFF!!!!!

*dance of joy*

*clears throat*

you have no idea how much i’ll miss the ladies though…

anyway, it seems like finally all the little seeds are growing and i really, really hope that they continue.

this is in fact the weirdest summer ever. usually by now i’m dead and praying for october and this summer? i’m working about six or eight hours more per week than i was two months ago!

and good clients too, the kind that stay!

i guess it’s true that changing my space changed my luck because i’ve done nothing but see positive results since then.

it’s funny that i have the kind of life where i’m still wondering okay, where’s the other shoe? i mean it can’t just be finally paying off can it? isn’t there some other bullshit traumatic hurdle ahead?

except, even if there is, assuming it isn’t really massive i can deal. i know this because i *have* dealt for years now. years on end.

there’s something very comforting in that.

oh my oh my oh my i’m getting a trapeze table!!!

AND a road trip with my dad!

July 2, 2007

profit and loss

Filed under: family,friendship,grief,life,random,socioanthropology — sassinak @ 9:47 pm

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there is something about the dissolution of a friendship that always seems to have repercussions beyond simply losing a person to hang out with.

i have recently had just such an experience and yet strangely enough it’s not the lost friend that i’m mourning, in fact it’s the never was friend that i miss.

in dissolving our friendship it was made clear to me that i would be missed slightly less than a lost audio cd and that my friendship had never in fact meant anything to this person.

now i know that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, people say things that are other than what they really mean. in fact they say things that are extra mean just because they themselves are being hurt.

but still, when you realize that someone won’t even notice that you’re gone you start to wonder if they ever cared that you were there in the first place and i think the answer must needs be no.

i don’t miss people i don’t care about, i do miss people i do care about… see?

and you see, i’m getting very tired of imaginary friends.

i’m tired of people pretending that i’m their best friend when i’ve hardly met them and yet never making any effort to connect again.

i’m tired of people treating me like a treasured person only to toss me on the midden heap when someone shinier comes around.

i’m tired of people being nice to me because they’re hot for the people i’m with.

most of all i’m tired of people not telling me the truth.

i’m a big girl now, if you have something to say to me just say it.  don’t beat around the bush or misdirect or make me wonder, just do it.

and if you can’t?  don’t pretend to be my friend in the first place.

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my little business is taking off like a cessna with a student pilot aboard but taking off it is.  i have two more hours booked this week than i need to ensure an easy life and only about four hours left to fill before i consider myself fully booked.

what this means is that if i play my cards right i can actually take a vacation sometime in the next year or so.  and not this wishful thinking ‘my business will take off *some* day’ vacation planning that i’ve been doing for five years but the other kind.

the kind that goes ‘if business continues as it is’ and ends with ‘vacation’ instead.  it’s been a long time coming and a lot of seeds have finally sprouted and frankly?

i worked my ass off for this and i deserve it.

of course i’m expecting the other shoe to drop any second now (see above) because that’s what likes to happen.

still, like they say; make hay while the sun shines, and i am.

i’m even planning to go to the PMA conference at long last!  (pilates method alliance)

but man i dream of vacations like some people dream of children or riches.  it’s especially after a blissful long weekend that i realise just how much i need to get away.

but my little business?  the seeds they are a growing!

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why did i pair these posts?

because these two events taught me something together.

usually when some mess happens in my personal life it’s brought on or escalated by some form of emotional trauma that’s already in my life.

i’m broke or my body is broken or one of my pets is ill or or or… so i’m already depressed and then some form of badness happens and then i fall apart.

and usually, when something good happens it’s happening amid a whole pile of other good things and i just sort of decide that the universe loves me that month.

this time though i have something making me sad and several things making me happy and i couldn’t figure out my strangely confused feelings.

how could i be sad and happy at the same time?

and then it came to me.  well okay, my sister said it.  i’m not depressed, i’m sad sure, but i’m not depressed.  there’s no need to crawl into my little cave and pretend the world doesn’t exist.

i’m happy, and i’m sad.

i think that means i’m finally acting like a mature human being.

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oh god.

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