snapshots of an idle mind

July 2, 2007

profit and loss

Filed under: family,friendship,grief,life,random,socioanthropology — sassinak @ 9:47 pm


there is something about the dissolution of a friendship that always seems to have repercussions beyond simply losing a person to hang out with.

i have recently had just such an experience and yet strangely enough it’s not the lost friend that i’m mourning, in fact it’s the never was friend that i miss.

in dissolving our friendship it was made clear to me that i would be missed slightly less than a lost audio cd and that my friendship had never in fact meant anything to this person.

now i know that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, people say things that are other than what they really mean. in fact they say things that are extra mean just because they themselves are being hurt.

but still, when you realize that someone won’t even notice that you’re gone you start to wonder if they ever cared that you were there in the first place and i think the answer must needs be no.

i don’t miss people i don’t care about, i do miss people i do care about… see?

and you see, i’m getting very tired of imaginary friends.

i’m tired of people pretending that i’m their best friend when i’ve hardly met them and yet never making any effort to connect again.

i’m tired of people treating me like a treasured person only to toss me on the midden heap when someone shinier comes around.

i’m tired of people being nice to me because they’re hot for the people i’m with.

most of all i’m tired of people not telling me the truth.

i’m a big girl now, if you have something to say to me just say it.  don’t beat around the bush or misdirect or make me wonder, just do it.

and if you can’t?  don’t pretend to be my friend in the first place.


my little business is taking off like a cessna with a student pilot aboard but taking off it is.  i have two more hours booked this week than i need to ensure an easy life and only about four hours left to fill before i consider myself fully booked.

what this means is that if i play my cards right i can actually take a vacation sometime in the next year or so.  and not this wishful thinking ‘my business will take off *some* day’ vacation planning that i’ve been doing for five years but the other kind.

the kind that goes ‘if business continues as it is’ and ends with ‘vacation’ instead.  it’s been a long time coming and a lot of seeds have finally sprouted and frankly?

i worked my ass off for this and i deserve it.

of course i’m expecting the other shoe to drop any second now (see above) because that’s what likes to happen.

still, like they say; make hay while the sun shines, and i am.

i’m even planning to go to the PMA conference at long last!  (pilates method alliance)

but man i dream of vacations like some people dream of children or riches.  it’s especially after a blissful long weekend that i realise just how much i need to get away.

but my little business?  the seeds they are a growing!


why did i pair these posts?

because these two events taught me something together.

usually when some mess happens in my personal life it’s brought on or escalated by some form of emotional trauma that’s already in my life.

i’m broke or my body is broken or one of my pets is ill or or or… so i’m already depressed and then some form of badness happens and then i fall apart.

and usually, when something good happens it’s happening amid a whole pile of other good things and i just sort of decide that the universe loves me that month.

this time though i have something making me sad and several things making me happy and i couldn’t figure out my strangely confused feelings.

how could i be sad and happy at the same time?

and then it came to me.  well okay, my sister said it.  i’m not depressed, i’m sad sure, but i’m not depressed.  there’s no need to crawl into my little cave and pretend the world doesn’t exist.

i’m happy, and i’m sad.

i think that means i’m finally acting like a mature human being.


oh god.



  1. Welcome to real life. All sorts of stuff happens. Just don’t waste energy getting emotional about it. Live. Don’t retrospect. Don’t assume you know what someone else is thinking or feeling just because they appear to be not thinking or feeling the way you think they should. The dread ‘expectations’ rear their ugly heads……

    These are not instructions. I cannot presume to tell anyone how to live their life. We all at times feel hollow, disappointed, let down. But we have to remind ourselve to not waste our energy on these negative emotions. They drain us and do not permit us to go onwards. They sap us of our productivity. It’s quite incredible how debilitating negative emotions can be. The worst of it is that they spread like a puddle to adversely affect all those around us. Mildew is toxic. Get out there and live in the sunshine. Yay!!!

    Comment by gabi — July 3, 2007 @ 7:33 pm | Reply

  2. I can’t imagine being your friend and not missing you. And while I don’t *technically* know you, I feel I do and think if we lived in the same city, I’d spend time with you…well provided you wanted to spend time with me.

    The other day my friend threw a little belated b-day dinner for me. We got to talking about my 30s and I said I feel more like me than ever and have cut people off. One of the other girls that was there said that she has wanted to cut this one person off but then she can’t because she is such a good friend, even though a bit on the depressive and too mopey side. And I explained to her that there is a difference between cutting someone off because they are hard to deal with when their emotions flair and cutting someone off because you realize they have been malicious.

    The people I have cut off I don’t miss because they were a bad influence. It doesn’t mean they might not cross my mind. If you have known someone long enough, hey have a way of popping into your head. But I don’t regret the decision. Now, I don’t know what your specific case what. But sometimes people also don’t realize what they have done. Maybe this person doesn’t see their part in the demise of the friendship. I know a few of the ones I left behind are sure they did nothing and I was a bitch and in fact I do believe some might be mistakes enough to believe they cut me off and not the other way around. Not that it matters. It needed to happen.

    Anyway…I am ranting. People do say hurtful things. That’s why I didn’t have an official *breakup* with these people. But now that I am cool and not angry, I sometimes think it would be nice to tell them why I walked away. Minus the insults. Although I reckon a few would not care to hear what I have to say. I doubt they would have the presence of mind to see it in themselves.

    They say the best revenge is to live well. But the fact is that I am not interested in revenge. But I intend to live well all the same.

    Now…yaay for the almost being all booked. I do very much hope you get to take a holiday.

    And maybe if I can find a good conference in Toronto, I can visit and hang out.


    Comment by Natalia — July 3, 2007 @ 8:41 pm | Reply

  3. sometimes, people suck.

    but i’m betting that eventually, when the “breakup” is long over, you’ll see that your life if better without this so-called friend.

    and yaay, for your business!

    Comment by terry — July 4, 2007 @ 1:51 am | Reply

  4. gabi while i get that energy is wasted getting emotional about things i haven’t yet learned not to connect emotionally to many of the events in my life. i grow less attached to things all the time but i like to think that the loss of a friend will always affect me.

    i hate expectations … but sometimes they creep in in spite of the best intentions and then you have to deal with them.

    i’m trying really hard to let the negative emotions attached to this go and i must say that the cheer factor of having my business finally drag it’s ass out of the deep red is NOT hurting ;>

    you’re a wise woman, mildew is absolutely toxic.

    nat: and yet this person claims that they will not miss me a all. or at least when i said ‘you won’t miss me at all’ they said ‘pretty much yeah’

    but you are not they and thus i feel quite certain that you do in fact miss people when you stop hanging out with them, even the ones that you don’t like. AND god yes i would hang with you!

    yes, but i’ve lost friends for both reasons. sometimes because i couldn’t deal with them and sometimes because they were malicious. you are right that you must differentiate but sometimes either one is enough.

    i find that people pop into my head after they are gone in direct relation to how much time i actually spent with them. if i saw you three times a week i’ll think ‘oh i have to tell nat… oh yeah…’ like three times a day but if i saw you three times a year i’d have them once a year.

    you know?

    i believe that in fact this person feels their actions were entirely above board, honest and clear. and they weren’t.

    i wish that if we could do it all again that we would have that meeting without the many days of preparation or at a much later date. in other words, instantly or next month :) but we didn’t and there was prepping and i’m not sure it helped the mess any.

    dude i live well no matter what and yay for bookings AND yay for coming to a conference… guess who has one in orlando…

    terry: i don’t know, i was treasuring them pretty deeply so it’s hard to imagine that i’ll be happier. but then it’s always hard at first and then one day you go ‘hey… i haven’t thought about x in years… i wonder how they are…’

    big yay!

    Comment by sassinak — July 4, 2007 @ 11:27 pm | Reply

  5. Really? Really? Orlando? When????

    Comment by Natalia — July 6, 2007 @ 11:45 am | Reply

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