snapshots of an idle mind

July 14, 2007

yellow woods

Filed under: bitter pills,family,friendship,grief,life — sassinak @ 11:18 pm

so i’ve lost a few friends recently to some pretty violent word exchanges and i’m having a strange reaction. the part that i’m saddest about is that it had to get mean. it didn’t have to, we were slowly drifting apart and if they had just allowed that to continue we would have faded into acquaintances who saw each other every year or two at parties.

and instead there was vitriol, pretty raw and unadulterated. the kind that makes you realise that someone has been husbanding drops of resentment with every interaction no matter how innocent and you realise… you realise that someone was showing up in your life with hate in their hearts for you.

and it makes you want to smudge your life.

it’s sad, there was a great friendship there once but it’s been dying for a long time and we used to have such fun in silence and in word and activity. some of the best memories of my last four years involved at least one of the people involved.

we used to talk about the holes hiding in the corners of our hearts, we used to open ourselves to each other and let the truth flow out or discuss the things that pained us and try to heal each other with listening and good natured ribbing.

we used to go places and have adventures and share the events and the milestones of our lives. birthdays and holidays were somehow less without seeing the other and we began to act as family for one another.

that started to fade because it had to. it couldn’t stay at that level for reasons various and sundry but trust and caring were established. lives began to dis entwine and go their ways and goodwill was had. or so i thought.

and instead of telling me that i was offending with my words and actions hate was nurtured and cherished and now i feel slimed.

again i feel slimed and interestingly enough when i see the level of malice applied to me i find myself completely forgiving the last person i was angry with and lost as a friend. forgiven to the point that i’m stunned to find i’m going to make friends with that person again much more quickly than i ever would have expected. (although i always knew that i would eventually)

suddenly the difference in behaviour is clear. one is hapless and the other… why couldn’t they just have said “we’re sorry, we don’t want to be friends anymore?” why did it have to be so hateful?

i’m sorry that things had to be so foul, hopefully i will be able to lance the wound quickly but i’m not sure. i’m finding myself apologising for every thing that i say before it comes out of my mouth and i hate that. i hate that intensely.

i’ve worked for years to stop doing that. to stop apologising for my feelings or my actions or the things that i want and suddenly all i can say is i’m sorry.

but i’m not sorry that this friendship ended, i can’t imagine having someone in my home who harbors such ill will toward me and well, i find myself wondering who their next devil will be. i’m sorry that it had to get ugly, but i guess some things aren’t meant to last forever.

i’ll miss the friends we were but we haven’t been that for a long time. at some point truth was lost and where truth goes so go trust and caring.

goodbye my friend, i’ll miss the us that was…. perhaps we can forget the us that became someday and remember why we cared for each other so that at least you smile when you think of me back there in your past.


if you know, or think you know who this post is about i ask you to please not use names or identifying characteristics. i have enough respect for the friendship that was that i will not appreciate such comments at all.



  1. this is a lovely post, sass… from the way you describe these friendships (“we used to talk about the holes hiding in the corners of our hearts…”) to the sweet and sad farewell at the end. just gorgeous.

    no one ever teaches us how to end a friendship. it’s like it’s never supposed to happen.

    Comment by terry — July 15, 2007 @ 12:18 pm | Reply

  2. sometimes a death of a friendship is like the death of a life: you just put it in the ground for it to consume itself in a multidutinous orgy of maggots that carry away all the pieces to be dispersed in fowl and beast and dirt; What’s left is brittle bone that powders within Time’s passage.

    The unfurling of calendar days does heal wounds: don’t be too quick to announce the time of death

    Comment by zxvasdf — July 16, 2007 @ 9:46 am | Reply

  3. terry: thank you, i was hoping it was lovely and not mean… and we did used to do that… and sometimes i think friendships that intense can’t work long term… sometimes.

    yeah i know… and yet it happens at least as often as you lose a love.

    z: i like your z btw.

    yeah i guess you’re right… i was hoping for a slow death in sleep after a long life on this one but i guess it needed to be violent to fulfill some purpose unknown to me.

    it’s not so much that i announced the time of death as that it was thrust upon me. they no longer like or respect me and feel that hurling hatred at me is appropriate. why would such as they wish me in their lives anyway considering that i’m such a hateful being?

    Comment by sassinak — July 16, 2007 @ 10:05 am | Reply

  4. I so feel you. *huggers*


    Comment by Natalia — July 16, 2007 @ 2:26 pm | Reply

  5. Considering your self-admitted hateful nature then it s only fair the relationship crashed and burned. During my meager 25 years on this good earth, I have learned very litle and often at points too late for that knowledge to be useful, but what u learn, if it’s significant to your place in life at that point, will seep into your soul to become a part of you. It doesn’t matter whether it is an idea that positively reinforces your well-being or not; it’s all about how you process that information. If you say you are a hateful person then you must be one. Why else would you say such a thing? Words do completely alter your perspective of the world, because in our culture, words are literally building blocks of the world: if the world should ever happen to dissolve, leaving man behind, there is still a complete world of symbols burning bright in our brains. Change the meanings of these symbols, and you change who you are. It is a completely conscious choice to do so, and it is a step above the blind wandering through life that we all do.

    Comment by zxvasdf — July 17, 2007 @ 7:33 am | Reply

  6. nat: why thank you miss *huggs*

    z: well i don’t personally find myself hateful but my former friends do and thus i wonder why they would bother to profess wanting me around. personally i’m rather fond of myself. i do however, totally agree with you about the things that seep into your soul and become a part of you… i find that they’re often very unexpected and not necessarily the bits you would expect.

    that said, i find your words interesting because i’m a different person in italian and again in french. most of me is the same but i am forced to think in alternate wording and grammar and i end up thinking different things. it’s one of the reasons i think everyone should learn more than one language.

    my personal philosophy is similar… every day the same number of good and bad things happen to you, it’s all in what you notice :)

    Comment by sassinak — July 17, 2007 @ 10:12 pm | Reply

  7. I got no words of wisdom for you. I read this blog the other day but didn’t figure out who it was about until just a few minutes ago. All I can say is that I’m really sad that two people that I think very highly of are so pissed off that they are willing to burn bridges. I hope the universe finds you two (only the two of you) in a broken elevator someday after some time has passed. It may take some years, but I think the two of you will come back together as good friends again someday. At least I hope so.

    Comment by Adam Eating — July 18, 2007 @ 1:07 pm | Reply

  8. hello mr. eating, been a long time. interesting that you sensed when i was ready for you to come out of the woodwork again. i’m very sad that two people are so pissed off at me that they’re willing to blow up bridges… i’m sure i had something to do with it but well, the bridge was downn before i even knew there was a fire. apparently i wasn’t paying attention.

    i admire your sense of hope… unfortunately i don’t share it.

    Comment by sassinak — July 19, 2007 @ 11:15 pm | Reply

  9. Give it time. Sometimes people grow apart. We all know that first hand. But sometimes people grow back together again.

    I have a friend who’s parents had a very bitter divorce. They both remarried some time later. But when my friends mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor, it wasn’t her then husband who was there for her. It was her ex-husband (my friends father). When push came to shove, they loved each other. They were remarried several years ago. Now I understand that I’m comparing apples to oranges here. But what I’m saying is that once an emotional connection is firmly established, its much harder to truly break it than most of us are willing to admit.

    That keeps me hoping.

    Comment by Adam Eating — July 20, 2007 @ 8:44 am | Reply

  10. well adam i know for sure that people grow apart and come back together… it’s happened to me more times than i can count.

    what’s interesting is that anytime in the last year you could have shown up at my door needing help and gotten it and that will remain true for as long as i recognize you… so keep me up to date with pics on occasion ;> … and the person in this post could show up at my door needing rescue and get it as well.

    but i can tell you that i certainly will not show up at their door and i don’t believe they consider mine a welcoming one. i’m sad that small slights were nurtured into mountains and never discussed but i come back to this one thing again and again. if you won’t tell your friends/lovers the truth what the fuck is the point?

    if i anger you? tell me… but don’t attack me. it’s not hard. if you no longer care for me? tell me but don’t just fail to speak because it’s easier than the truth.

    if you don’t tell people the truth you have nothing left.

    and i like your tale of the husband and wife and thank thee for sharing it.

    Comment by sassinak — July 20, 2007 @ 12:24 pm | Reply

  11. It doesn’t have to be a hate-filled ending if you don’t want it to be. At least, not for you. You aren’t required to hate someone back. In fact, it’s pretty unhealthy, in my opinion. Why not write them a note acknowledging the end of the relationship, but letting them know you bear them no ill will? A slight revision of the last few paragraphs would probably do just fine.


    Comment by balloon pirate — July 21, 2007 @ 11:43 pm | Reply

  12. it’s true it doesn’t. i admit i didn’t react well to being attacked but i think i managed to keep the level of vitriol from my end fairly low…

    and you know i don’t hate them back, i’m just sad that it’s so much easier to say ‘i hate you’ than to say ‘i don’t want to be friends anymore’

    they are the ones attacking me, i don’t really feel contacting them is the right thing as whenever i say anything as simple as ‘i wish you had told me sooner how you felt’ i get back four paragraphs about how awful i am.

    i just can’t take any more mud you know?

    Comment by sassinak — July 22, 2007 @ 10:37 pm | Reply

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