snapshots of an idle mind

August 3, 2007


Filed under: bliss,dating,fasting,food,life,men,socioanthropology — sassinak @ 12:03 pm


i have a beef.


okay first the old business… final post fast week later weight: 175-178 depending on morning ablutions. [i ate a bit much at hillside, that should be more 173-175 but whatev]

hillside was awesome but other than telling you that mother mother, that 1 guy, and martin sexton are fucking amazing? i don’t have much to say. i’ve been and written enough times now that i don’t feel there’s a lot to discuss. i went, it was awesome, there was bliss, i can’t wait for next year!


there’s this thing that men my age seem to love to do. well maybe not my age but that’s the only age group i have any real access to in this sort of situation.

i have, of course, no proof but i am starting to recognize a behaviour that i’ve seen more than once so i’m starting to believe it’s real.

so you meet them and you hang out and you chat and everything seems to be going swimmingly. there’s laughing and some nerves and sometimes shoulder or arm touching and generally all signs point to YES!! and nothing happens.

wait what? right, nothing happens.

so i start to wonder and think that maybe it’s me. that maybe i’m actually a terrible person or a person that no one would actually want to date or that getting to know me cures you of any desire whatsoever to know me better. i start looking at my hips and thinking ‘geeze maybe they’re too fat’ and i start looking at my personality like this “hmmm maybe i’m actually hard to talk to or not really funny or my nervous laughter is off-putting or or or”

and then you know what i keep finding out?

the fuckers are MARRIED! every one of them where i’ve managed to actually get any information? yup, woman at home.

and i ask you seriously what the fuck are these men doing flirting with single women? no wait, that’s not it… i wouldn’t want anyone to think that i don’t think flirting is fun because i *really* do but well, as an example, my sister… within TEN minutes of meeting ANY man she thinks might be into her? mentions her fiance (husband soon!)

it takes her ten minutes and that’s it.

she doesn’t flirt with me for an hour or two and act all interested and touchy feely and then disappear.

she doesn’t act like i’m fascinating and demand hugs from me and then look embarassed when someone asks about her man at home that she’s been failing to mention.

she doesn’t, in short, use courting behaviour at ALL because she’s not actually available to do that and you know? i REALLY want to know where these assholes get off doing this. don’t they know how hard it is to be a single woman ‘of a certain age?’

you get your hopes up a little. you think ‘hey maybe i’ll get asked on an actual date for a change’ and you well… take a different kind of breath because it’s nice when you meet someone who gets your sizzle sparkin’… and you know it would still be wicked fun to flirt with them but really now, just how hard is it to let me know you can’t do anything about it?

not hard at all in my experience. when i’m coupled up the words ‘my boyfriend/lover/husband’ just trip off my tongue. they flow. they have heft and weight and some secret satisfaction that goes with saying them. and, at least in front of me, it’s also dead easy for the MEN that i know who are in relationships that please them… course there may be an element of ‘in front of the wife’s friends’ to it but who can say right?



i can’t take it anymore… please don’t ACT like you mean it when you’re just out for some casual fun… and if all you want is a shag? ask for THAT don’t act like i’m the woman of your dreams because… to quote the guy who wrote the game? [neil strauss]

“women like sex as much as, if not more than, men; they just don’t want to be pressured, lied to, or made to feel like a slut.”

sing it neil!



  1. The only reason flirty unavailable men bother you is because you don’t have your own one at home. :) Heavens’ sakes woman! Flirty is flirty. If you want ‘getting “into” you’, then it’s not about flirty. It’s about getting to know each other. Flirty has nothing to do with getting to know each other. It’s superficial. Lots of people do it. When I was your age I did it. Others did it. Stop flirting. Start communicating. See what happens when you just get real.

    Comment by gabi — August 3, 2007 @ 3:52 pm | Reply

  2. People can suck ass.

    I don’t get why people do the things they do half the time.


    Comment by Natalia — August 4, 2007 @ 6:51 am | Reply

  3. as you yourself might say… WORD.

    Comment by terry — August 4, 2007 @ 1:39 pm | Reply

  4. You know, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if it’s the married men who actually flirt more. Especially if they’re men in their mid-to-late 30s, they may have been married for over 5 years and hitting that “Am I still good looking to women?” age. They may be the ones seeking affirmation by flirting with single women. If they get the signals that you like them, that makes them feel alive and like other women could still be into them. They may be more desperate for your flirtations than the single ones, hence the frequency you’ve found.

    That’s my guess. And I’m coming from a place of mucho experience. I really do think this is it.

    And I must say, for the marrieds out there (self included), it is relieving to us that it tends to be flirtation that they’re looking for. (Of course there are always fuckbags who want/get more and screw everyone involved… literally… but we’re not talking about them, right???)

    It just sucks for you because they are getting that thing that they need without giving you the thing that you need. But don’t be fooled, they need that flirtation perhaps more than you do. External validation. I could write a book.

    Comment by Sweet L'il Gal — August 5, 2007 @ 4:04 pm | Reply

  5. Right on Sweet. Which is why a person should not flirt back. Flirting is not one sided. A person can’t keep flirting unless the other person flirts back. If they do, they just look really stupid. Sass has got to stop flirting.

    Comment by gabi — August 6, 2007 @ 2:48 pm | Reply

  6. For some of us, though, flirting is like breathing… you don’t know you’re doing it, but damn it makes you feel alive! I’m not sure that stopping flirting will do anything, for said married men will wonder elsewheres to get theirs. And I’m sure eventually the flirtation falls upon single men, right? Odds are…

    Comment by Sweet L'il Gal — August 8, 2007 @ 4:35 pm | Reply

  7. Sweet, if flirting makes you feel alive then obviously you shouldn’t stop flirting. If it doesn’t bother you that you attract the attention of married men etc. then that’s fine as well. But Sass Old Girl is troubled by the fact that it’s married men who flirt with her and in her view it’s upsetting and it’s bullshit. (not her words) Which can only mean that if she and only she doesn’t want to get the sort of attention she’s been getting, then she has to be the one who stops the game. She flirts. A lot. But flirtation is not always the best method to interact with men. For some reason there are people who just can’t relate to members of the opposite sex as real people. They’ve always got to put on an act. Flirtation is a type of act. If it doesn’t reel in real, then a person shouldn’t feel upset about it. The entire implication of flirtation is, in many scenarios, all about being phony and a lack of self confidence.

    Comment by gabi — August 8, 2007 @ 8:57 pm | Reply

  8. Remember where we came from. Men are hunters. And yes, we were hunters for survival, but as our brain evolved, we began to process things like adrenaline, and began to revel in the hunt, even painting pictures of our great conquests on the cave walls to relive them, and tell future generations how good we were.

    It’s a rush.

    And, for men, there is a strong corrollary between dating and hunting. Think of every cliche for dating, and you’ll find, at its base, a reference to the hunt.

    So when you start talking to a guy, and there’s a connection, and you smile and are witty and charming, you become, in at least a small way, prey. And you know it. Your sister certainly does. That’s why she mentions her fiance. As soon as he’s mentoned, the hunt is over.

    For a man–who has come from generation upon generation of successful hunters–this is now the hunt. There is a thrill. Even if he has no intention of doing anything other than flirting, even if he loves his wife with a passion that is nearly all-consuming, he’s enjoying himself. And, just like your sister, as soon as he mentions his significant other, the hunt is over. Why would the hunter want to do that? Yes, it’s a bit selfish, but there it is.

    I am not condoning this behavior, nor suggesting that this is all there is to it, but it’s there. Waay back in our subconscious, just this side of our lizard brains, it’s there.

    And it’s one of the reasons I always wore my wedding band back when I was married. Now, all bets are off. You have been warned.


    Comment by balloon pirate — August 9, 2007 @ 1:30 pm | Reply

  9. balloon, first you write that it’s about the brain evolving. Then you say it’s your lizard brain. Are you saying your brain has evolved into a lizard brain?

    Where did it come from then? What was it before it was a lizard brain?

    Comment by gabi — August 9, 2007 @ 8:35 pm | Reply

  10. gabi: I didn’t say it was our lizard brains. I said it was just this side of our lizard brains; i.e., one of man’s very first conscious experiences, thus, a reaction that is difficult to resist.

    No, my brain has not evolved into a lizard brain. I have a memory. I can remember what I wrote, and reiterate it, as I’m doing now. It aids in clarification, I have found.

    And your last two questions? I think you’re either teasing me or being mean.


    Comment by balloon pirate — August 9, 2007 @ 9:55 pm | Reply

  11. Of course I’m being mean. What else could I possibly be doing? Anyway, Sass Old Girl was under my scrutiny today. And she is an absolutely shameless flirter. Shameless! >shrug<

    Comment by gabi — August 10, 2007 @ 2:23 pm | Reply

  12. Gaby, I don’t think flirtation reflects a lack of self confidence at all. Perhaps the opposite. It’s a carefully honed social skill just like any other. Both a flirtation and a deeper relationship require self-confidence.

    I also don’t think flirtation has to be seen as an END product that is fake and superficial. All of my long term relationships and eventually my marriage began as flirtations. It’s what you do AFTER the flirtation that determines whether or not you can be real with a person. Flirtation isn’t meant to be deep; it’s the peacock dance between two people who are sussing one another out. It may lack depth, but it’s not phony; there definitely is something real at work in a flirt. It is unconscious mate-seeking behaviour that is evolutionarily relevant. (Flirting as a married, I’ve realized, requires one to eventually realize this and employ social mores by putting out the fires before they spread.)

    At any rate, this isn’t about the human race, it’s about Sass. And you’re on to something. If she’s dissatisfied with the turnouts, perhaps a different approach could be entertained. Or she needs to find wherever it is in that big city where single men flock and give’er her best shot!

    We all want Sass to be happy!

    Comment by Sweet L'il Gal — August 10, 2007 @ 2:36 pm | Reply

  13. What else could you be? Well, there’s:

    And that’s just off the top of my head. Why is it that all you feel you can be is mean?


    Comment by balloon pirate — August 10, 2007 @ 4:37 pm | Reply

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