snapshots of an idle mind

September 5, 2007

cylinder envy

Filed under: cars,driving,engines,life,motorcycles,random — sassinak @ 3:38 pm


i know, i’m supposed to want a penis rather than a vagina but i currently have a raging case of cylinder envy instead. this is particularly surprising if you understand the depth of love i hold for my auld honda.

i mean this car and i? we’ve been through a lot. with the possible exception of some books i don’t think that there’s much i’ve had for longer… thinking thinking… oh and some old ikea furniture.


anyway i’m the kind of person that gets attached to things and then has a hard time parting with them. so, i will of course end up designating my car an antique someday and stubbornly continuing to fix it.

okay okay i won’t, but i’m holding out for a non-petroleum using vehicle if i can manage it because i don’t like to take the environmental hit of building a new car when my old one still gets 30mpg (12km/L) in the summer. that said, the hybrids are FINALLY starting to get better mileage than i do so my tune may change.

i did see a car (honda fit) that i would get as my next used car if need be though which is a change, first time in ten years i’ve liked anything i’ve seen as much as what i’m already driving.

but that is not the point of this post. the point (what? i have those occasionally!) the point is that i have never understood why anyone would bother to spend a ton of money on an ugly car. i can CERTAINLY understand the point of beggaring yourself for something as pretty as a lamborghini diablo…


because seriously, that car is one of the most staggeringly beautiful things i’ve ever seen (particularly the one rocky drove that was black with a ‘sothpaw’ plate… love it since i are one too.)

but i could never understand the point of these high end luxury cars. they’re ugly and usually ballless and don’t look like any kind of fun to drive… like for example this maserati [for the record maserati makes fucking beautiful sports cars…]:


kinda ugly and not very exciting at all. not NEARLY as ugly as the one i saw the other day. and until the other day i just could NOT understand why anyone would blow a ridiculous amount of money on something kinda ugly and made for five passengers and yet still all high end.

and then i was coming out of a light on bloor street beside a significantly uglier maserati than this. there we were all neck and neck and i’m thinking ‘as if i’m letting this ugly piece of crap pass me out of a light. yeah right’ and we’re neck and neck until we shift into second and then this guy goes “whatever” and corks it.

dude left me there like i wasn’t even moving which is how i know it’s a maserati…i read the back.

this NEVER happens. i beat PORSCHES out of lights. regularly.

and suddenly, suddenly i got it.

THAT is why any one would spend stupid amounts of money on an ugly car. it has balls.

i have cylinder envy.


speaking of cylinder envy…

i’ve been seeing motorcycles everywhere i go.

motorcycles that remind me of the one i had once that was then promptly stolen. motorcycles that make me yearn to wrap myself around a motor on two wheels and go flying around corners at ridiculous speeds and crazy angles.

motorcycles that make me want to learn to corner on my knees… which would necessitate knee pucks…

motorcycles that make me realise i cannot go another year without riding one again…

ten years… my old M license is languishing…

yup, cylinder envy…


client’s finally here!



  1. Ahhh yes cylinder envy….I know thee well…there is only one cure….drop a shit pile of hardenarned cash and get it out of your system…unless you catch that piston head disease which keeps you coming back for something faster and more fun…for the record Lambos are BRUTAL to drive and have never , not once, had a race team…ever. Its a poseur car, a beautiful car, yes, but its a gold chain on adorned with beautiful wheels. The Maserati is one of the nicest appointed cars made, its interior is unmatched and is mated with a detuned ferrari engine. They suffer from something in the looks department ( something I understand all to well) but are incredible performers.

    I like the hybrids, the technology is awesome, and given the fact that hydrogen is a joke and biodiesal isnt much cheaper then gas, they are it.

    I think you would look good in an Ariel Atom, one of the sexiest and fasted cars ever made…and given your propensity to enjoy how things work ( like bones ) you would love this thing. You can see it all happening while you drive it….get one and take me for a spin…

    Comment by scott — September 5, 2007 @ 8:22 pm | Reply

  2. I had a Honda once. I’ll never own another one again. I know, everyone else thinks they’re made of gold. But I apparently had the only lemon they ever made. I could possibly look past that, but both the dealership and their corporate office treated me so poorly that I would never give them my business ever again for any reason even if they invented a car that looked like Diablo, never needed gasoline, and only cost a dollar. It’s a long story. Yeah, I am still a little bitter.

    On the other hand, I have had a Nissan for almost 6 years now that has never given me any problems whatsoever. That dealership was a bit slimy, too, but at least they sold me a decent vehicle and pretended like they cared.

    So, I guess what I’m saying is go for the Nissan Z. That would be my choice.

    Comment by John — September 5, 2007 @ 9:55 pm | Reply

  3. I was gonna suggest a scooter. I don’t know how much driving you do in TO but with a scooter you don’t pay for parking. And they don’t appear to be getting stolen. You could keep the clunker because you wouldn’t be putting so much mileage on it. Depending on how good you are at scooting, you could ride it for most of the year around this city. The only thing that pisses me off is if a person on a scooter has to follow all the damn rules of the road, then what’s the advantage? IN Europe and England a scooter can get through traffic legally. Here? Poor scooter riders get to suck in the exhaust of the car ahead while idling away in non-moving traffic. I think that’s shit. There’s NO serious support for non-belching urban transport in this country. Especially not in TO. This has to do with the fact that the Southern Ontario economy is based on the automotive industry. WE don’t make scooters and we don’t make public transit vehicles in this province. It shows.

    Rant over. :)

    Comment by gabi — September 6, 2007 @ 5:10 am | Reply

  4. scott: i’ve made it ten years without deep and abiding cylinder envy so i’m hoping that i can just keep on keeping on. my poor hardearned cash is currently busy buying me more education and equipment… :) i think my piston head disease is actually reserved for motorcycles, i’ve seen like a thousand of those i’ve wanted in the last five years *g*

    as for the lambo, i don’t have any reason to not believe you because i’ve never taken one for a spin. i had heard that they weren’t particularly fun to drive but they do serve as a useful illustration of gorgeousness.

    wait a second, are you calling yourself ugly or just discussing how beautiful cars can have ugly exteriors? because you sir? rather hot actually. just saying.

    ethanol is my favourite joke. no one looks at the cost of the fucking corn!

    *off to look at pictures* oh man. that’s really cool. it’s like a go-kart and a car all at once! not to mention it’s got many of the advantages of a motorcycle and many of the advantages of a car… oh and a honda motor! nice! will you accept a spin in my OLD honda until i render myself independently wealthy though? :)

    john: you know i’ve met maybe three people ever who had that experience with hondas and it makes me really sad because they’re so damm awesome. i know a guy with the only lemon toyota ever made and he’s on his THIRD ENGINE!!!

    i’ve known about 50-50 with nissans. several people who swear by them like you and several who do nothing but rant about things like transmissions failing at 200k. i’m sad to hear that you were treated so badly by honda, i’m actually stunned.

    my car is actually fourteen with 320,000km on it… so you gotta know that honda made at least one good car :) i’m glad you found an alternative you liked anyway… someday will you tell me the story?

    gabi: i like scooters for the city but they scare me on major roads so i’d rather take the slightly bigger environmental hit of a motorcycle and then i would feel more comfortable going distances. and yes, you’ve nailed my nefarious plan. buy a bike in a year or two and nurse my auld car through a few more winters.

    my bike was stolen because i was lame and no one told me how stolen they were. otherwise it would have been chaines and things. they basically wheeled it out of my carport onto a truck.

    yeah i don’t understand our road rules either but i will say i’ve nearly taken out more than one two wheeled vehicle that was weaving through traffic foolishly…

    but yeah, it’s really amazing how little support this place gives to non gas burning options. it costs TWENTY GRAND to put in a windmill and take yourself off the power grid and there’s effectively NO tax breaks… but we will give tax breaks up the wazoo if you’re searching for oil….

    rant on babe.

    Comment by sassinak — September 6, 2007 @ 8:24 am | Reply

  5. Well, in a way, it’s still penis envy–or at least, male genitalia envy. ‘The car has balls’ sorta sums it up, don’t it?

    Me? I’ve got my eye out for a Pontiac Aztek, or if I’m lucky, a Buick Rendezvous. My plan is to get one in March.

    Yes, I’m getting an ugly car with not much acceleration–the anti-Sassinak mobile.

    Because I’m at a point in my life where there’s many things more important in a car than it’s off-the-line performance.

    Which is not to say that if a 2007 BMW Z4 3.0si dropped into my lap, I wouldn’t scream ‘Get it off me!” take it for one hell of a drive.

    However, I would trade it in for a Rendezvous, and then take the change and put my kids through college with it.


    Comment by balloon pirate — September 6, 2007 @ 10:10 am | Reply

  6. Hey, I’m psychic……… heh heh……motorbikes…. just make sure you get a quiet one. I hate noise. o.k.?

    Akshully I’d investigated the ‘scooter option’ this summer and I know it sucks. Because the frickin’ cops in this city don’t like to go out on domestic violence calls I got a couple of traffic violation tickets. You know…. beating up the wife and getting busted doesn’t fill the city treasury. Catching losers like me in the diamond lane does. Even though my presence in the diamond lane was an attempt at self preservation…. but never fucking mind.

    Ah, I am so pissed off I forgot my point: the insurance for a lousy scooter is a signifcant percentage of its purchase price. Fuck that shit. Bastards.

    The cops in this city are really losers. I’m only a monetary loser: the cost of living in this city = parking tickets plus 50% on top of the ticket because I’m too pissed off to write the fucking cheque in time to only be fined the 30 bucks. (*ocksuckers. Yeah I know, it’s not cops that give parking tickets. I know that. It’s stupid fucks in uniforms who give out parking tickets.) (Mind you on the way home tonight I was going about 70 in a 60 zone and the radar boys (fucking pricklets) didn’t gun me. I should be thrilled, right? Swear to Dawg, every hair on my body stood on end. I broke out in a cold sweat and it’s 34 degrees C. Let me tell you the last f’ing thing I needed tonight was another f’ing speeding ticket. I should be grateful? Sure. A woman has a broken jaw and a couple of black eyes tonight because those assholes were out catching people speeding instead of trying to save lives. Assholes. Oh, I already wrote that. ooops. :) )

    Oh, sorry I’m ranting again……..well fuck that…. I’m not sorry.

    No, I’m not going to get my own blog.

    Comment by gabi — September 6, 2007 @ 8:23 pm | Reply

  7. Soooooooo….hows your cylinder envy now ?

    Comment by Scott — September 7, 2007 @ 9:02 am | Reply

  8. […] cylinder envy part […]

    Pingback by oh shit, now i have to become independently wealthy… « snapshots of an idle mind — September 7, 2007 @ 11:41 am | Reply

  9. pirate: okay that’s fair, but then that implies that anyone who covets a hot car has penis envy, male or female… but yeah, i have my eye on some new engine mounts and a repaired passenger door handle for the car i already have :)

    i think that there are a lot of things that are important in a car BUT that having at least some balls is crucial to safety. having the pep to get your car out of a mess? saved my life several times.

    “ohhh shit! *drop to second and floor it* phew”

    hee “get it off me!”

    good luck with that college thing sir, i think you’ll manage it though.

    gabi: well i’m not a big fan of the loud harley style bike, i’m more into the well-tuned japanese models but hey, i’ll get what i can afford that i love :)

    and please don’t get your own blog, your rants crack me up. i love long comments so have at it.

    scott: dude, read the post :P


    [upon further review you may wish to skip the comments and just read the post… they’re pretty distasteful]

    Comment by sassinak — September 7, 2007 @ 11:45 am | Reply

  10. […] we took some pictures that i was planning to post earlier this week but then i got distracted by a maserati and then a ferrari and well you know i’m kinda slow so here we are a week […]

    Pingback by after apple pick… er trimming… « snapshots of an idle mind — September 11, 2007 @ 3:42 pm | Reply

  11. “i know, i’m supposed to want a penis rather than a vagina but i currently have a raging case of cylinder envy instead.”

    LOL that is FUNNY!! I like the way you express yourself. Nice Blog!

    Comment by Traffic Ticket Help in Ontario — December 30, 2007 @ 2:11 am | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: