snapshots of an idle mind

October 31, 2007

off to see the wizard

Filed under: bliss,dating,life,men,pilates,socioanthropology,surreal,Uncategorized,work — sassinak @ 10:19 pm


oh my god i’m going to orlando in the morning!

at 4:07 in the morning to be specific.

yes indeedy, at four oh seven in the eh em i will be standing at a bus stop wiping the sleep from my eyes and staring in wonder at the beautiful man choosing to take the bus to the airport with me.

personally, i think he’s nuts; airports suck.

then, as always, i will have to wander through the check-in and the ‘security check’ and then go and sit for two hours and wait for my plane. i will not, of course, sleep while i wait for fear of missing the plane.

there is something so time warplike about traveling by air. i always wonder if i will land on the same planet that i left or if i will appear magically in an alternate version of this universe or time.

there is, nonetheless, a ritual all tied up with flying. i have routines…

i get to the airport to the minute or earlier of the many extra hours suggested to me and stare in stunned stupefaction around the cavernous not-so-welcoming space until i find the hidden counter that allows me to check-in. the airline is irrelevant, this is always difficult.

eventually, i will find it and stand around semi-patiently while looking half asleep. at some point i’ll get to check in and realize that i’ve forgotten something. i can never figure out what in advance but as long as it isn’t my passport or wallet i don’t give a shit.

then, of course, there is the dubious pleasure of american security. yeah. they stare into my bag and i start to wonder if i’m secretly a terrorist. i mean do i really need a stainless steel water bottle to survive four days of talking to and learning from my fellow pilates instructors? can’t i survive with the available water and those piddly assed glasses they’ll provide?


and how about those lip glosses you’re checking? do you really need THREE of them?

seriously how do they make me, the most innocent of travelers, feel so much like i’m doing something wrong?

now, if it WEREN’T five am i would then enter the hallowed secured areas of the airport and wander off to the nearest bookstore, there to dissolve my sorrows in aimless wandering through the shelves. i have a deal, i can buy any book i want at the airport to a maximum of three per travel day, preferably no more than two.

i mean i have to get SOMEthing out of all the torture right?

after books i would head for some sort of food, but again, that will be closed and will have to wait until i land in memphis there to enjoy an hour layover. a lovely hour filled with OPEN bookstores and food. yeah baby.

i love airport book shopping, it’s really inexplicable.


to the young man who asked me where to find women like me.

who raved about how i was his dream woman (only far too old) and couldn’t exist.

to the older gentleman who doesn’t believe that women like me are real.

to all of you wondering where to find a lady who likes cars and hockey and video games and doesn’t care what she looks like when she’s camping?

try looking beside you.

she’s the girl who is happy to hang out with six guys and doesn’t check her mascara.

she’s the girl you ask for advice about the girls who can’t be arsed to talk to you.

just so you know.


oh my god i’m going somewhere warm for four nights and most of five days!

i get to meet nat!

there will be SWIMMING!

and communing with my fellow instructors!

and cool shit to learn!


but right now?

there’s a shower and three hours of sleep…

see ya monday kids.


you know, assuming i don’t land in an alternate universe…


October 22, 2007


Filed under: dating,friendship,life,men,outside,pics,singlehood — sassinak @ 12:46 am


it’s funny you know. it’s been a really long time since i dated anyone with any level of seriousness. since i *liked* the person i was dating.


anyway, tr and i split up four years ago now, four years and a lifetime ago in fact. i’m so different from that girl that i find her hard to recognize. so fragile and broken and hating the fat coating her slowly returning body.

fragile in her soul more than anything and in desperate need of the healing that would come with three years of celibacy and a tiny basement apartment. an apartment so small that it fits in my current living room.

an apartment that was, in many ways, a cocoon.

a place to rebuild and create anew and rediscover and learn about my self while i built a career and a life that would sustain me through wherever the next part of my journey would take me.

several times in that period i bemoaned my lack of interesting dating potential and the years without sex but you know? in retrospect i needed every single one of those days.

i needed to find my self.

and i did.

and then i moved here. i moved to this beautiful light filled space in the middle of a ravine that my clients and my cats and my soul all love and my life started to take off.

my business took itself to the next level in large part because it had a place to grow and be nurtured and now it’s sitting and gestating and getting itself ready for the next step.

that one is a doozy let me tell you. opening a studio makes me blanch with fear a little but i can see that it’s coming.

the people in my life that didn’t like me or were filled with negativity have all taken themselves away in rather spectacular fashion. most of them felt the need to attack me on the way out the door but i’ve had to realize that those attacks were not necessarily about me at all… but more about their own disappointments and lacks.

somehow i became the representation of all things bad in some people’s existences and well, i guess i can’t be sad that they’re gone.

it’s funny though, because in all cases i am sad and i do miss them. it’s weird to miss people that hate you but there it is. it’s interesting to me that every one of those people picked public forums to hit me with… i don’t understand how those sorts of things don’t happen in person.

but then, i wouldn’t.

furthermore i made some decisions.

i decided that it was time to stop complaining about my dateless status and go out there and do something about it. i was going to go on those great sounding adventures at meet market adventures and try speed dating and email at least one man on okcupid per week.

i was going to do it up good.

and in the meantime i emailed a man (on okcupid) about a cat. specifically the kittens a friend of mine is trying to find a home for (cute black ones, any takers?) that his profile suggested he was in search of as a companion to his current cat.

and he asked me out for brunch, and scrabble… which we played to a tie.

seriously, who plays scrabble to a tie?

and yeah…

that was a little over a month ago and we’ve sort of been dating like constantly since then… and i like him.

and so do my friends and the members of my family that have met him. and his friends and family? like me.

it’s kind of strange.

anyway it’s a really odd adjustment for me. i know that people who haven’t had dates in a while will both make fun of me and sympathize with this but seriously, it’s really weird.

there is a man in my life that i like. that likes me. that my cats like, whose cat likes me.

there is a man in my life that has favourite expressions of mine, whose sense of humour i am learning to predict, who can call my behaviour in certain situations and that my friends want to hang out with.

a man who can make shoe shopping fun.

yes really.

a man that i tend to speak with before i sleep and who is slowly fitting himself into my life in this seamless sort of way and it’s WEIRD!

i am NOT complaining okay?

in fact i really really really like it (and him) but it’s been a very long time since i had to fit my life into someone else’s at all. since there was someone i called just because i wanted to hear their voice.

that there was someone i missed.

it’s disconcerting and yet wonderful all at once.

okay nat here you go:


no, i have no idea why i’m making that face…


in the kitchen at his family cottage. my sister came up for brunch with us… god that was awesome. otherwise i wouldn’t have seen her until christmas!

and just one of the scenery:


October 16, 2007


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:48 am


i really want to go climbing on tuesday and have no one to go with… er today.  dammit.

i could boulder but i don’t really want to as it involves more landing on my fucked feet.


i haven’t been sleeping much lately for various and sundry excellent reasons… and i finally got some sleep!

and not just one night either, i mean two solid nights of more than eight hours and i’m just now considering feeling human again.

fortunately this weekend is an at home weekend so i should continue my recovery.


i’ve been playing a lot of scrabble, clearly i need a scrabble dictionary.

and how lame is it that roman numerals count as words?

pretty damn lame.


i’m going to orlando in a few weeks for a conference…

no big deal right?  i mean it’s orlando and disney except…



not to mention that it will be warm and i will get to swim in at least a pool and maybe an ocean!

miss nat and i don’t yet know what we will do with our day together though we do know there will be margaritas by her pool the night before.



it’s my aunt’s 80th birthday party… what the hell do you get an eighty year old who has everything?


i have a date for said party.

i know, i don’t believe it either.


my business is doing well enough these days that i don’t really have time to blog much during my workday anymore.

it’s weird to be working this much and yet awesome.

i really find that i treasure the weekend a lot more than i used to and that i’m really, really glad that i gave up my sunday class.

it’s funny how exhausting this work really is when you actually do it in some form of full time way.  full time in this case is between twenty and thirty hours a week.

factor in a couple of hours of education every week and some driving and phone calls and you’re effectively working full time hours in a job that takes twice the mental energy of anything that has gone before.

every minute of every hour that i have a client in front of me requires enormous focus.  this is utterly different than jobs where you pay attention here and there but can kind of take mental breaks as need be.

i suspect it’s a lot like computer programming in that any hour spent programming is akin to three hours of anything else.


did i mention that i’m having a hallowe’en shindig?  invitations are now out, if you have not received one but feel you should be invited please email me.

if you are the only person whose comments i have ever been forced to moderate you can just assume you are not invited.



annual dim sum has been scheduled!

man i love dim sum and it’s so especially awesome with fifteen or twenty people because you really can eat way too much and try everything.


life is good.

October 5, 2007

happy turkey weekend !

Filed under: bliss,climbing,dancing,driving,food,life,outside,party,seasonal — sassinak @ 11:52 pm


the comments on my last post were awesome, thank you guys, i just had nothing to add to your wisdom.


i know, for you poor american folks there is no long weekend this weekend but for us canadians there is one. that’s three wonderful days without working.

okay not quite, i’m working for an hour tomorrow and then getting my ass kicked by rr for an hour but then?

then i get to go to the cottage!

now, i’ve done a lot of hanging at the farm and a little camping and some festivaling (which involves sleeping in a tent) and i’ve generally been out of town at least one night of the majority of weekends this summer.

however, there has been no cottaging.

no wonderful sitting by a lake and forgetting how to talk because you’re so peaceful and talking would be overkill.

none of that great food you somehow only get around to making when it’s thanksgiving or you’re at a cottage or you’re trying to impress someone.

no swimming in real water that isn’t a little scary… and feels like northern ontario water. i can’t really explain the difference but the water north of the great lakes feels different somehow. it has something in it or not in it that makes you feel clean no matter how filthy you are and always leaves you feeling refreshed.

it’s also usually cold so i suspect we’ll be doing more looking at the lake than swimming in it but i’m still packing a swimsuit. hrm i probably should have packed before i curled up in bed, good thing it only takes me ten minutes since i have a busy morning ahead.

oh my god i get to sleep without an alarm on sunday!

AND i get to sleep in on monday!

AND i get thanksgiving dinner when i get back!!

man my life rocks.


speaking of climbing, something happened to me a little while ago and it’s SO COOL!

i was working the start of a 5.10- and getting like absolutely nowhere and my partner looks at me and says ‘you should climb the eleven minus, it’s way more your type of moves.’

and after about five minutes of arguing i did it.

i didn’t finish the fucking thing, oh no, i got maybe a third of the way up it but see here’s the thing… I STARTED A FIVE ELEVEN MINUS!!

and then i started another one.

and then i flashed a five ten plus. first try, never saw anyone climb it just up i went. it’s like i died and someone who climbs better showed up in my body.

except that i’m not dead and i’m still me (i think) and i just broke a plateau. i finally got off the grade that i was stuck on when i got in a car accident SIX YEARS AGO!

fuck, six years.

that’s pretty trippy. lot of changes since i started climbing.

anyway, at last i have moved on!


cherub and i are having a shindig for hallowe’en on october 27th, let me know if you don’t have your invite by monday.

costumes are required :)


whee long weekend at the cottage with just enough road trip to get there!

October 2, 2007

head shakings


to the ten percent of you that don’t fit into this post?  you know who you are.


as some of you know i had a date or two with a man who drives a ferrari a while back. the particularly attention paying public may also have realized that he started an investment bank.

normally i wouldn’t be so specific but he did link the bank in the relevant post’s comment section.

anyway the man himself, though beautiful and funny, is not the point of this post. the reactions he engendered in the people around me are.

it was amazing. i mean amazing what people were saying about this man solely because he appeared to have money in the bank.

after ONE date with him that lasted a little over an hour (i had prior plans afterward) and was in fact ridiculously fun, i was telling some people about him (cause yeah, i don’t meet many men i like… er didn’t, lately they seem to be coming out of the woodwork) and i got reactions that stunned me.

things like

.you got a hot investment banker? you bitch!

uh dude? one date.

.you would hate the investment banker lifestyle.

um we know what that is?

.oh nice he’s rich!

how do we know this?

.he’s playing you.

for what exactly?



i was literally flummoxed. no one (except flower who met him and thought he was awesome) asked me if he was nice (yes) funny (yes) cute (check) hot (check) tall (mm-hmm) polite (yup) smart (seems like) or anything like that.

no one cared what he was like at all. it was all about the money or the lifestyle… and i so didn’t get it.

cut to the second date.

you know, the one with the ferrari and the driving. oh right, i may not have told y’all that it was a date. it was assumed by a few folks but i was playing my cards close to my chest since i liked him.

anyway we go on a date, i drive a ferrari and i dance around for like weeks about getting to drive the ferrari and i’m even more stunned that i like the guy more than the fucking car.

and of course since i drove a FERRARI i told everyone i know about getting to drive it which caused many questions about the owner.

but not the questions you might expect, once i admitted that said lovely driving experience had happened on an actual date it went like this:

.he’s rich? marry him!


.why aren’t you travelling with him?

uh TWO DATES!??!?

.what are you going to do about his lifestyle if you have kids with him?

uh TWO DATES!??????????????????????????????!

.oh those rich guys, they always go back to their own kind.

fuck you, are you calling me cheap and low class?

.just get him to buy you a new computer (mine died)


.oh those rich guys, they love bohemian artsy chicks like you…

um what?

but do you see what didn’t happen? no one asked me what he was like, if he was respectful, if i liked him, if he made me laugh, if i wanted to jump him, if he tried to jump me… nothing.

it’s all about the money.

i’m stunned i have to say, and amazed that celebrities and the really rich ever date at all. i guess it’s no wonder that the celebrities and rock stars and supermodels and sports heroes tend to date within their own circles somewhat.

i mean how on earth would you know that someone liked you for you? any little innocent comment would set your spidey senses tingling and really, how would you ever be sure?

so what are people in those kinds of tax brackets left with?


matchmaking websites

high school sweethearts

dating in their own field or one nearby…

hrm… that’s about it.

i mean i don’t give a SHIT how much money you make so long as you can afford to live a decent lifestyle with some traveling and some eating out and some living well.

if you can afford your life? to buy me dinner on occasion? to live your dreams? to participate in mine? that’s all i really want from you.

and even i found myself having little imaginary scenarios where i got to play with the ferrari at the race track too… imagine if you were the kind of person who really cared about money…

you would do everything in your power to snag a guy like that.

how is he supposed to tell the difference between interest and dollar signs?

*shaking head* really stunned i have to say. i have so much more sympathy for celebrity love nuclearisms now…

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