snapshots of an idle mind

June 15, 2008

all right all right

.

:)

.

i promised myself that if anyone noticed that this blog had died i would write in it again.

i was thinking commenters but it turns out that the people who read this aren’t strangers from the world wide interweeb but friends and family that i don’t speak to that often.

so.

those seem like the kind of people worth writing for.

.

it got really hard to write here after several people at once attacked me and some of those same people used posts that had NOTHING to do with them to somehow “prove” my evilness.

not so easy to put yourself out there when you know the water balloon filled with piss is waiting to land on your head.

that said, this month (two?) off has given me somewhat of a perspective shift on that. i can’t go around living my life for the people who hate me any more than i can go around living my life for the ones who love me. life has to be lived for yourself even if it means choosing to make sacrifices for loved ones.

no, those really aren’t the same thing.

i also can’t go around being afraid of what people who already hate me are going to say when i talk… i mean really now, how is that healthy?

it’s funny because someone wise once said that twenty five percent of people will love you, fifty percent will be indifferent and the other twenty five will hate you. since you can’t control what people think you may as well go after the first quarter.

generally that is a sentiment i have no problem with.

it’s just… it’s harder when it’s people who were intimates for some period of time before they changed sides. they know a lot about you and can most certainly do more damage. in fact i finally moderated ONE person for the first time ever because she was telling secrets that weren’t even mine. worse she was imagining details to fill in blanks and create patterns that never existed and then she was spewing that all over my comments section.

what are you supposed to do with that?

i considered moving the blog and i considered shutting it down but then you see she would win.

in the end i just didn’t say anything at all and i still lost because my friends and family (love ALL of you and you know who you are) defended me and then were in turn attacked by her. i lost double because i never did get another date with the guy she accused me of whoring myself out to and i quite liked him.

[funny, smart, hot, likes liberated women, science fiction and hot cars… what’s not to like?]

i did learn one thing though. my father is absolutely right when he says that what bullies want is to make you engage, to make you fight and yell and scream and the more you refuse to do that the more you piss them off.

unfortunately she got pissed off in public and my loved ones who DID engage took the brunt of her insanity and many of them ended up with hurt feelings. [incidentally miss g i did not, nor will i ever, coerce ANYONE to reply to you. i did ask a playwright friend for help drafting my single paragraph reply to your initial attack (no, i don’t think g is still reading, least i hope not because if she is her life is even smaller than i imagined and that’s just sad.)]

the part that surprises me is that i have trouble forgetting these people that really didn’t have my back.

it’s like i feel like the conversation isn’t over even though it is.

what’s weird to me is that that feeling exists at all when in all cases i could NEVER trust them again. when i know for a fact that my back is not something they have. when, in fact, i know that if i did turn my back they would likely stick a knife in it.

why is it exactly that i can’t stop wondering if they’re well?

.
regardless, this is my blog … MINE and no one gets to fuck that up for me, no one.

even if it did take me a while to get there.

Advertisements

13 Comments »

  1. Betrayal is never an easy thing. Especially when you know there’s nothing you can do, or say. That feeling of an unfinished conversation is probably because you didn’t say what you wanted to when the person in question showed her true colors. Not that it would have done any good. You’re exactly right that she would have just attacked you. But as always, mental understanding is often disconnected from the emotional.

    And even though she’s stabbed you in the back, stabbed your friends and family in the back… It’s understandable that you’ll still think about them. The reasons you became friends are still there, in your mind. They still happened. Even though they aren’t valid anymore. It’s hard to put that to rest. It’s almost as if you’re erasing it.

    I know I’m not writing anything you haven’t said in your post, or that you’re thinking. And I may even be wrong. I guess I just wanted to show that you’re not the only one to be going through a friend breakup with these kinds of feelings.

    Comment by cc452 — June 16, 2008 @ 1:18 am | Reply

  2. cc: no it sure isn’t. somehow you keep having these imaginary conversations in your head with people and you know it’s totally pointless… (actually there’s three people, just one did her attacking on the blog. read “oh shit now i have to become independently wealthy” if you’re curious) all they do if you defend yourself is accuse you of attacking or judging them, it’s really the most pointless thing ever.

    damn emotional brain.

    i think that’s the bit i haven’t been getting. all the reasons i liked these people still apply. that there is a layer of shit on top spread by them doesn’t really change that. and yeah, my mental eraser sucks.

    actually you wrote several things i didn’t say in my post and i appreciated all of them. i think you’ve nailed it actually, thanks muchly!

    Comment by sassinak — June 16, 2008 @ 11:16 am | Reply

  3. welcome back…. us lurkers missed you too

    Comment by crescentmoon1 — June 16, 2008 @ 5:10 pm | Reply

  4. jeez, where was i when all this was happening?? i had no idea.

    but i’m glad you’re back.

    Comment by terry — June 17, 2008 @ 1:52 am | Reply

  5. I went through something similar a few months back. It’s difficult to realize you are surrounded by people who suck the life out of you. Taking some time to yourself is good, and blogging sometimes puts you all out there… sometimes you need to take yourself back.

    Either way, nice to read you again. Don’t be a stranger.

    Comment by spared — June 17, 2008 @ 7:22 pm | Reply

  6. i’ve been checking back periodically wondering when you were going to post again, not that i can say much about it really since i’ve not posted in either of my blogs much since… oh, december?

    that said, i’ve missed reading, and i’m glad you’re writing again.

    also, we should arrange hang-out time soon. the business of both our lives is making me crazy, and i miss you a whole lot.

    Comment by cherub — June 19, 2008 @ 12:44 pm | Reply

  7. I had no idea either.
    I’m glad you’re back though.

    Comment by clarity — June 22, 2008 @ 4:38 pm | Reply

  8. Y’know, life and the people in it can be such a difficult thing to fathom sometimes. Betrayal is the worst and when you can look back on it, there is usually nothing to be learned from the experience either. So, all you get is hugs on this one Sass……and kudos for being your wonderful self through it all. That said, I haven’t been here in a while and this was one detail I knew nothing about.

    On the other hand…….FUCKIN EH!!!!! to having a boyfriend and a life full of whatever that keeps you from blogging :)

    Cheers babe,

    Py

    Comment by Py — June 23, 2008 @ 5:01 am | Reply

  9. Me a long time fan of yours, met you on blogger.
    And this is what i have to say:
    People go through different circumstances, and change beliefs and ideas with time.
    There will be people who would like some side of yours and hate some of it, and as you evolve and as they evolve, friendships might break or evolve.
    It is nothing to hold on to

    It is not worth thinking twice about people who would be so immature to do what you described.
    And with regards to your family and friends, those who know you would always be on your side no matter what. Stuff like this would only displace the fence sitters or new acquaintances, a cost you do pay for living in the world as it is right now.

    Love reading your posts, and love the person you are, so keep writing.
    Hemant.

    Comment by Hemant Kumar — June 23, 2008 @ 12:50 pm | Reply

  10. Glad to see you have taken back this part of your life, Sass. Irrationality exists.We can find it in friends, relatives, and others. If it hurts us too deeply, we must shield against it. If it is only shallow bs, we can tolerate it for the good that is also in those people.

    But life is short. Make it about you, not them.

    Comment by eb — June 29, 2008 @ 5:39 am | Reply

  11. Hey Sass… glad to see you back in the saddle. I’m not quite there yet; still occupied in real time to find stuff to say in online-land. Good for you for keeping the site yours. I remember reading an interview with some musician I loved and they said that you have to write for yourself and the minute you worry about your audience, you might as well give it up. So, ignore the naysayers, embrace the lovesenders… can’t wait to read about the great things to come in your life!

    SLG

    Comment by sweet li'l gal — July 9, 2008 @ 6:05 pm | Reply

  12. crescent moon: wow, i have lurkers? :)
    .

    terry: new yawk?
    ;>
    .

    spared: hey you had the baby didn’t you?
    .

    cherub: i’ve missed writing in it more than i expected in fact… and i’m pretty touched by the response to my return :)

    and yes, yes we should!
    .

    clarity: well it was pretty ugly and a lot of it happened ‘off blog’ and you know some of the story. basically enemies in friends clothing decided that i was evil and made some very nasty comments about me in other blogs of theirs and used things i was saying about OTHER people to demonstrate how lame i am and so on and so on.

    it’s all so lame…

    Comment by sassinak — July 10, 2008 @ 10:33 am | Reply

  13. py: i’m sure there’s something to be learned. if nothing else that i need to be more careful of the people in my life. course i’m not sure i want to learn that lesson, trusting everyone has led me into some great places.

    maybe just to trust my gut more… i didn’t entirely in all these cases.

    and yeah, life is pretty nice right now :)
    .

    hemant: “People go through different circumstances, and change beliefs and ideas with time…There will be people who would like some side of yours and hate some of it, and as you evolve and as they evolve, friendships might break or evolve. It is nothing to hold on to”

    truer words were never spoken… that still doesn’t make it easy. and you’re right, except for one new acquaintance that mess cost me not one person i cared about.

    and thank you
    .

    eb: i think where it gets hard is when enemies pretend to be friends… or when friends start to look for the bad instead of the good. you can always find it if you look but friendship is lost when you seek out the bad and hoard it in a little venomous bowl…

    but that’s just me :)
    .

    slg: that’s true… but it gets harder when people you have deep feelings for or trust are involved :)

    Comment by sassinak — July 10, 2008 @ 11:48 pm | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: