snapshots of an idle mind

October 7, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 8:58 am


there’s this thing that men that like me say about me along about the second or third date and it always makes me crazy.  it makes me crazy the way being called perfect does and for many of the same nebulous and hard to pin down reasons.

they tell me that i’m awesome because i’m not high maintenance.  and at first i thought this was a great thing to hear, i mean who wants to be high maintenance right?  who wants to be that kind of pain in the ass person right?

it’s just that somehow there’s this entire host of assumptions that go along with this idea that i’m low maintenance.

see that?  see that little switch i pulled?  yeah i didn’t either for a while.  you see when they say that i’m not high maintenance what they mean is that i’m low maintenance and you know what?

those two terms are not interchangeable.

i still want flowers and bon bons and random dinners just because.

i want champagne and door holding and silly romance just for the sake of it.

i’m still difficult and capricious and stubborn and i want my own way and i’m always right of course.

i want valentine’s day in july and my birthday in march and i want to be treasured and respected and wooed.

i also want to be treated like an equal and expected to participate fully in the building and caring for a shared life.  i don’t mean that i want to be a sheltered daisy but i do want something that being ‘low maintenance’ doesn’t seem to lead to.

somehow when you’re low maintenance you’re a host of other things too, things that i don’t entirely have words or descriptions for.  thinks like easy, passive, not stubborn, without strong opinions… and yet that’s not what i mean.

somehow low maintenance equals don’t have to try or something.  i’m not being fair to at least one man i’ve dated in the past okay?

i don’t even know how to protest it really i mean what do you say?  how do you put this into words on a second or third date without coming across like some sore of semantically insane woman who is too picky about words?


it’s kind of like the word perfect. somehow being beautiful and fascinating and hot and stunningly intelligent are all good where the word perfect makes my skin crawl.


perfect puts you up on some kind of pedestal that no one can actually survive the fall from.  it’s as though you are stuck up in the aerie and admired from a distance until the little things start to add up and then the rocks start flying.

the rocks start flying and you fall off the damn pedestal and there you are beaten and bloody on the ground and no longer good enough.

and you can’t measure up to that initial impression, you just can’t.

what i can’t figure out is how to sort the pedestalling men from the regular men.  like how exactly can you tell when a man is going to stick you on a pedestal and hate you when you fall off versus just thinking that you’re awesome but recognizing you as a human being?

because at first?  at first i think those two things probably look exactly the same.


i really don’t want to start having to wear four inch heels as a symbol of my high maintenanceness i really don’t but i fear that my easy hair and casual demeanor may be getting me in trouble.

setting me up as it were to be something i’m actually not because you know what?

i’m high maintenance too, i’m just not high maintenance about my fucking hair!





    Took me a while to train papa bear in the ways of low maintenance with high expectations: I refuse to blow dry my hair and waste the two hours, but you’re fuckin’a right I want you opening doors for me, and having a bathtub full of bubbles and rose petals ready for me when I come home from work with candles lit and a special bath tray so I can read in there [yea, I’m spoiled,I know =0)]

    The way I see it is if I can let you spend an entire Saturday, Sunday, and Monday watching football without bitching and fetching you beers and food when you ask for it, you can bring me flowers randomly. Has nothing to do with maintenance, it has to do with showing someone you appreciate them and thinking they deserve something special just for being them.

    Comment by erizzle — October 8, 2008 @ 9:18 pm | Reply

  2. Oh, and there’s nothing wrong with pedestal men. The trick is finding one who understands you’re going to be knocked off it occasionally, and having them be willing to put you right back up on it because they are fully aware you’re human and didn’t ask to be put up there to begin with. That’s when you know you’ve met the right person-they help you get back up there after you take a horrible tumble, and even put the band-aids on your boo-boos with a kiss to make it all better.

    Comment by erizzle — October 8, 2008 @ 9:22 pm | Reply

  3. e: you know what i really missed about you when you weren’t around? your totally awesome ability to take what i say and think about it and come out with something that clarifies and expands my own thinking. blogging was a lot less fun without your wit over at the snazzy and without your comments over here.

    and that’s it in a nutshell, if i’m going to make the effort for YOU then you fucking well should make the effort for me. and even if it isn’t important to YOU that it’s important to ME should be enough. not always and not over everything but you can’t always be the only one bending over backwards…

    e2: you are right, i think there must be two kinds of pedestals… the ones with steps and nice cushy floors around them and the ones with the shark infested moats


    and i like the sound of your man more and more you know that?

    Comment by sassinak — October 9, 2008 @ 10:44 am | Reply

  4. *bows* i try :) then again if you didn’t have such awesome post topics i wouldn’t have much to go from? teamwork rools!

    i think it just takes meeting the right person for men to start thinking the way women do in most of their relationships. same goes for effort and doing all those small little things that we women go nuts over, and men don’t see the point of.

    yea…deep down the hubby is amazing, he’s just fairly rough around the edges and hasn’t yet mastered not saying everything that pops in his head.

    Comment by erizzle — October 10, 2008 @ 2:17 pm | Reply

  5. I’m accused of being low maintenance, but as your old neighbour, you know my wardrobe and need for shopping is far from low maintenance. Yet I still don’t blow dry my hair.

    I’ve gone single again. I figure I am only happy when I am single.

    Makes me think of a Dorothy Parker quote “All I need is a place to lay my hat, and a few friends.”

    Comment by Lee Anne — October 11, 2008 @ 9:31 pm | Reply

  6. Word. I could have written this. I am not high maintenance in a lot of ways and people make assumptions. Ugh. I feel ya.

    Comment by Natalia — October 12, 2008 @ 7:02 pm | Reply

  7. funny… i consider myself low-maintenance emotionally — mostly — but high-maintenance in the makeup/hair realm.

    no wonder no one can figure me out!

    p.s. just getting caught up — sorry about you and nayrb, but it sounds like it was a wise move.

    Comment by terry — October 18, 2008 @ 1:05 pm | Reply

  8. e: yeah that’s fair… but yous till have a totally diff perspective i really appreciate.

    we wouldn’t love them if they were perfect… you just have to find someone whose flaws are kind of endearing right? or who makes an effort to love your flaws or something…

    leeanne: hey nice to hear from you!

    i think you and i are a similar kind of ‘low maintenance’ … we can go to the grocery store in our sweats but we still want to be treated like ladies…

    natalia: thought you might!

    casual and relaxed does not mean easy and non stubborn…

    terry: well that’s fair right? you gotta care about what you care about whether others are going to respect it or not…


    yeah i think it was the right thing i really do

    Comment by sassinak — October 21, 2008 @ 11:11 pm | Reply

  9. Well if it makes you feel any better, as a man (I’ll have to also consult my man friends on this) I’ve never personally met a low-maintainence woman. In fact, I can’t remember ever meeting a low-maintainence human. Relationships take constant daily upkeep. No matter how chill the participants of the relationship are as individuals.

    I would say that my woman is low-maintainence. Though I still manage to disappoint. Case in point. The other night, some friends of mine asked me to go out with them for a beer after class. Their treat. I agreed. After one beer and an hour and a half, I called home. Why, because thats what women require. A call home. I thought I was doing it right. But apparently, I still messed up. The call should have come before I went out for drinks. See, though this is a woman that is generally pretty forgiving of my transgressions, there is still maintainence required. Was I a little miffed about the whole thing? Sure I was. I wasn’t asking permission. I was letting her know that I was safe. Was she a little pissed about it? Yup, apparently she was waiting for me before she ate dinner (I never asked her to wait for me btw). Are we perfect? Nope. Do we need daily maintainance, Oh yeah. After all, we are high maintainence creatures.

    Comment by Adam Eating — October 27, 2008 @ 12:16 pm | Reply

  10. Well I’m here to sing the praises of high-maintenanceness. Why? Because I just got out of a marrige that went from fun together, to working together, to working alone, to verbal, financial, and mental abuse. Think “thin end of the wedge” when a guy tells you you are low maintenance.

    No generalizing here to all men, but when I love someone, I tend to be as accommodating as possible. Who doesn’t? But clearly there are some who will take advantage of this.

    I used to think love games were stupid, but I have a new perspective. I will be playing plenty of games to test reactions of any possible potential new loves, putting them through an Olympics of relationship issues over time. Plus of course working on me, starting with counselling tonight, but I think both are going to be important.

    OK, rant over. Thanks!

    Comment by jojo — December 22, 2008 @ 5:45 pm | Reply

  11. lsd: omg thank you, that’s just what i was trying to say. i’m a pretty chill human but i still require respect. and it’s amazing what a simple apology will get you.

    well, as the woman waiting to have dinner with you? my default is to have dinner together unless we’ve negotiated something else in advance (if we live together and if you’re in the country)

    jojo: hrm

    this is not a path i had drawn with such clarity but i see where you’re going with this.

    and yes, me too. there was a funny day this weekend when my parents and i were trying ot pick a restaurant for lunch. all of us were ‘well i don’t like this one but any of the others are fine…’ and NO ONE would take a stand. it was hilarious. finally my dad made fun of us for trying so hard to be nice to each other and refusing to have an opinion.

    thanks for ranting, that was pretty interesting :)

    Comment by sassinak — December 30, 2008 @ 7:14 pm | Reply

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