lately i’ve been thinking about trust and it’s applications among the intimates of a person’s life.
i’ve concluded that, at first, most people either trust fully and wait to be betrayed, trust not at all and wait/ test before trusting or don’t trust at all. personally, i’m more of the first category.
sometimes, like when someone has done me a nasty, i find myself wishing that i was the kind of person who didn’t live her life like an open book. that i knew how to keep myself hidden away and protected rather than out there and open to anything.
but not for long. i’ve just had so many wild and wonderful experiences that came nearly directly from my willingness to trust my instincts and the universe and the people around me. yes i understand that this is ostrichlike behaviour. no i don’t care to change it.
it gets harder to remember this when trust is betrayed at a later point in a relationship and real collateral damage ensues.
i recall the time a woman i had been friends with for several years and i had a falling out. we were having a bad patch you know? both of us in terrible life places and not taking care of each other properly. anyway we got mad at each other and stopped calling.
our friends knew we weren’t hanging out and that we felt hard-done-by but that is all. we didn’t really talk about each other or fight through our friends we simply ceased to hang out.
eventually, some guy on okcupid wanted to date us both at once and we reconnected with each other. seriously, that’s what happened. we are now fast friends again with really no harm done.
in fact maybe we’re better friends because we ‘broke up’ and ‘got back together.’
we’ve been really shitty to each other and we’re still friends; this adds a level of trust that wasn’t there before. something about knowing we’ll come back you know?
the reason that we can still be friends is simple:
.we did not share each other’s secrets
.we did not say shitty things about each other to mutual friends
.we had told each other our grudges to our faces (or at least on the phone)
.we heard each other
.we genuinely like each other
.one of us actually told the other that it would be nice to hang out again
i’ve had friendships end in other ways, ones that involved significantly less pleasant behaviour.
i’ve had people announce my secrets to the world and others trash talk me to every single person we had in common and then wonder why i no longer felt that friendship was possible.
it’s simple really, i can’t trust someone who didn’t keep my secrets when they didn’t like me anymore. especially if i kept theirs.
she and i? even though we weren’t friends anymore we had each other’s backs. we would still have defended each other to others and been mildly offended if people were saying nasty things about one of us.
i think that that is somehow an essential truth, this having of someone’s back.
the idea that you won’t fuck with someone’s life regardless of how fucked your relationship with each other will get. i stopped speaking to one of my exes for three years but all i ever said was that we had been cruel to each other and that i missed my friend.
okay i did some bitching too.
but never to *his* friends. only to people who had barely met him if anything. what i didn’t do was spread rumours and try to fuck up his life.
so i still trust him and i still trust her and i still trust a lot of people that i haven’t spoken with in years.
but those others? the ones who have rendered themselves incapable of being trusted?
what do i do with them?
what do you do with someone you love but don’t trust?
how do you have them in your life. how especially do you deal when they’re there and you have no choice but to have them around?
what do you do when you miss them but you don’t feel like you could ever have faith in them again? like you can’t trust them with the truths in your heart because they won’t cherish them?
was the friendship always just imaginary?
trust… it’s a funny thing.