snapshots of an idle mind

December 30, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 6:41 pm


lately i’ve been thinking about trust and it’s applications among the intimates of a person’s life.

i’ve concluded that, at first,  most people either trust fully and wait to be betrayed, trust not at all and wait/ test before trusting or don’t trust at all.  personally, i’m more of the first category.

sometimes, like when someone has done me a nasty, i find myself wishing that i was the kind of person who didn’t live her life like an open book.  that i knew how to keep myself hidden away and protected rather than out there and open to anything.

but not for long.  i’ve just had so many wild and wonderful experiences that came nearly directly from my willingness to trust my instincts and the universe and the people around me.  yes i understand that this is ostrichlike behaviour.  no i don’t care to change it.

it gets harder to remember this when trust is betrayed at a later point in a relationship and real collateral damage ensues.

i recall the time a woman i had been friends with for several years and i had a falling out.  we were having a bad patch you know?  both of us in terrible life places and not taking care of each other properly.  anyway we got mad at each other and stopped calling.

our friends knew we weren’t hanging out and that we felt hard-done-by but that is all.  we didn’t really talk about each other or fight through our friends we simply ceased to hang out.

eventually, some guy on okcupid wanted to date us both at once and we reconnected with each other.  seriously, that’s what happened.  we are now fast friends again with really no harm done.

in fact maybe we’re better friends because we ‘broke up’ and ‘got back together.’

we’ve been really shitty to each other and we’re still friends; this adds a level of trust that wasn’t there before.  something about knowing we’ll come back you know?

the reason that we can still be friends is simple:

.we did not share each other’s secrets

.we did not say shitty things about each other to mutual friends

.we had told each other our grudges to our faces (or at least on the phone)

.we heard each other

.we genuinely like each other

.one of us actually told the other that it would be nice to hang out again

i’ve had friendships end in other ways, ones that involved significantly less pleasant behaviour.

i’ve had people announce my secrets to the world and others trash talk me to every single person we had in common and then wonder why i no longer felt that friendship was possible.

it’s simple really, i can’t trust someone who didn’t keep my secrets when they didn’t like me anymore.  especially if i kept theirs.

she and i? even though we weren’t friends anymore we had each other’s backs.  we would still have defended each other to others and been mildly offended if people were saying nasty things about one of us.

i think that that is somehow an essential truth, this having of someone’s back.

the idea that you won’t fuck with someone’s life regardless of how fucked your relationship with each other will get.  i stopped speaking to one of my exes for three years but all i ever said was that we had been cruel to each other and that i missed my friend.

okay i did some bitching too.

but never to *his* friends.  only to people who had barely met him if anything.  what i didn’t do was spread rumours and try to fuck up his life.

so i still trust him and i still trust her and i still trust a lot of people that i haven’t spoken with in years.

but those others?  the ones who have rendered themselves incapable of being trusted?

what do i do with them?

what do you do with someone you love but don’t trust?

how do you have them in your life.  how especially do you deal when they’re there and you have no choice but to have them around?

what do you do when you miss them but you don’t feel like you could ever have faith in them again?  like you can’t trust them with the truths in your heart because they won’t cherish them?

was the friendship always just imaginary?

trust… it’s a funny thing.



  1. that’s a hell of a question. i’ve no idea what the answer is.

    me, i keep those people at arm’s length. they don’t get to experience the real me anymore. and it makes me sad.

    Comment by terry — December 31, 2008 @ 1:43 am | Reply

  2. As you mentioned several lines up, friendship is about trust. Most relationships are. Without it, there’s not much you can do. As far as those who’ve broken it… If you feel that it was a one-time thing, you can give them a chance to earn that trust back. But it won’t be the same.

    Comment by cc452 — December 31, 2008 @ 12:26 pm | Reply

  3. I feel that if you behave dishonourably (ie. In a non-trustworthy manner) then you don’t deserve friendship, it being a blessing not a right…

    So dishonourable people, well, forget about ’em. Unless they recuperate – many do, as they grow up.

    If you trusted one of them and they let you down, only your judgment is at fault — or their acting skills are superb!

    Once I lost a friend and kicked myself after, thinking, well she did it to all these other people, why did you think you were exempt?? Super-bummer.

    Comment by Lia — January 5, 2009 @ 4:03 pm | Reply

  4. and what when this person is a husband? and you have a kid together?

    I’m just trusting that the universe will take good care of all of us. It lets me leave my son with someone I don’t trust even as we piss in each other’s cornflakes.

    Most of the time.

    Comment by jojo — January 6, 2009 @ 5:11 pm | Reply

  5. terry: that’s what i do too… but i wonder sometimes if something better could be salvaged…

    cc: well some one time things can be explained and forgiven. others are pathology.

    i’m sure you know who at least one of the people who inspired this is and i suspect you would agree that nothing can be done at this point…

    lia: thank you, that was a sentence i sorely needed to hear. friendship is a blessing not a right. i’m going to have to add that to my quotes database.

    how do you know they’ve recuperated?

    jojo: god.

    i have NO IDEA what you do in that mess.

    i would try to convince myself that just because he was an ass to ME didn’t mean he wouldn’t cherish HIS son… you know?

    Comment by sassinak — January 17, 2009 @ 9:52 pm | Reply

  6. i would add that it’s AMAZING how far an apology will go to get you back into someone’s good books…

    Comment by sassinak — January 17, 2009 @ 9:54 pm | Reply

  7. Recuperated. How do you know they’ve recuperated.

    Boy, I couldn’t know that. I suppose you see a pattern that redeems them (like, you hear good reports from other people who know them, or they approach you and describe actions they’ve taken to be better people) and then you say to yourself, I’ve gathered some evidence that shows this person might be worth it to have in my life again. Now, what does my heart say? It feels right? Okay, we’ll try again.

    This has never worked for me, not once. Mainly because I suppose I skip the evidence-gathering stage and go straight to the heart part. And, sadly, I’ve always had really poor instincts. I want people to be awesome, I know they’re awesome in there somewhere, I see the parts that are awesome, and I forget to protext myself with my brain.

    Better luck to you :)

    Comment by Lia — January 30, 2009 @ 11:05 am | Reply

  8. it’s funny, the problem is wishing to see patterns that aren’t there. admitting that the person you thought they were never existed… this is the kind of crap i’m terrible at.

    i want to believe that everyone is awesome, that people can change, that in spite of treating me like shit once you’ll do better next time… but time and again life proves me wrong.

    i also skip said evidence gathering stage… tell me you’re sorry and you didn’t mean it and i turn in to melty sass and get over it… that said, i don’t forget and there is always a piece of me expecting the worst now.

    and yeah, i hear you on seeing what’s awesome instead of the whole picture.

    Comment by sassinak — February 2, 2009 @ 4:07 pm | Reply

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