snapshots of an idle mind

January 21, 2009

sweet sadness

Filed under: anxiety,bitter pills,bliss,cars,driving,engines,grief,life,random,surreal — sassinak @ 3:17 pm


well, it’s official, i have a new car.

okay not entirely official as i don’t take delivery until this afternoon but you know what i mean.  it’s paid for (with some help) and the plates are off my old car and sitting in the windshield/back window.

i may have driven my old honda for the last time and i’m abjectly sad about it.

i understand that i will love my new car just as much and that i will be just as broken hearted when my mechanic says “it’s time, your car is dead” but that isn’t any consolation to me now.

there are a few reasons i’m unhappy about this transition, not the least of which is that i expected to get another five years about of my perfectly tuned, corners like a bmw, gets phenomenal mileage accord.  expected in vain because the body rotted out from under me with very little warning.

in fact i’m a little bit pissed off at my mechanic for not making me understand what was happening.  why was i fixing a rotten car?  why wasn’t i made to understand 3-5 years ago that i needed to spend some money on the body?

how was this a SURPRISE?


there is something so *wrong* about throwing out something so perfectly tuned.  i know the body is rotten but the engine has another 200,000km in it EASY.

ah well, i think i found a guy who is going to find a solid body and use my parts to build a car… so at least he’s getting something out of it.


so here i am all broken hearted right?

all sad about the passing of this beautiful machine…

and yet?

and yet there’s a little joy here.

i’m getting my very first NEW car!

not new to me, NEW.

as in no one but me has ever driven it (okay, on and off the truck and the broker is driving it to my house but you know what i’m saying) and i have to break in the engine.

as in i get to be the only person who cares for this car and i will know implicitly every bolt that gets changed and fluid that gets dirty and if it dies it will be entirely my responsibility.

it will be *mine* from the day it got sold until the day i sell it or my mechanic looks at me mournfully and says “it’s time, get a new car.”

and that’s cool right?

i should be excited to own my very first new car and i am… i mean i’m totally stoked and i am fully aware that i will fall madly in love with it in time… it’s just i’m having a hard time getting past the senseless waste of it’s predecessor.


oh you wanna know what i got?

2008.5 mazda 3 sedan, five speed with no air… cause i like don’t like the air and the power anything…

i do like the ipod plug though… kind of an improvement over the tape deck


in other news, what is with these idiots who get high performance cars in an automatic?

or worse, with a manual transmission and NO IDEA how to WORK IT???


only thing worse?

porsche sport utility vehicle…

i mean really, isn’t that an oxymoron?


oh wow oh wow oh wow

my car is almost here and the plates are off my accord…

god i’m sad for my accord.

man i’m excited about my very first new car…

wow wow wow.


and for those of you who know how much i love old things?

yes, i really did basically buy the new car version of the old car i’m throwing out….


anyone wanna buy a really good engine?


June 15, 2008

all right all right




i promised myself that if anyone noticed that this blog had died i would write in it again.

i was thinking commenters but it turns out that the people who read this aren’t strangers from the world wide interweeb but friends and family that i don’t speak to that often.


those seem like the kind of people worth writing for.


it got really hard to write here after several people at once attacked me and some of those same people used posts that had NOTHING to do with them to somehow “prove” my evilness.

not so easy to put yourself out there when you know the water balloon filled with piss is waiting to land on your head.

that said, this month (two?) off has given me somewhat of a perspective shift on that. i can’t go around living my life for the people who hate me any more than i can go around living my life for the ones who love me. life has to be lived for yourself even if it means choosing to make sacrifices for loved ones.

no, those really aren’t the same thing.

i also can’t go around being afraid of what people who already hate me are going to say when i talk… i mean really now, how is that healthy?

it’s funny because someone wise once said that twenty five percent of people will love you, fifty percent will be indifferent and the other twenty five will hate you. since you can’t control what people think you may as well go after the first quarter.

generally that is a sentiment i have no problem with.

it’s just… it’s harder when it’s people who were intimates for some period of time before they changed sides. they know a lot about you and can most certainly do more damage. in fact i finally moderated ONE person for the first time ever because she was telling secrets that weren’t even mine. worse she was imagining details to fill in blanks and create patterns that never existed and then she was spewing that all over my comments section.

what are you supposed to do with that?

i considered moving the blog and i considered shutting it down but then you see she would win.

in the end i just didn’t say anything at all and i still lost because my friends and family (love ALL of you and you know who you are) defended me and then were in turn attacked by her. i lost double because i never did get another date with the guy she accused me of whoring myself out to and i quite liked him.

[funny, smart, hot, likes liberated women, science fiction and hot cars… what’s not to like?]

i did learn one thing though. my father is absolutely right when he says that what bullies want is to make you engage, to make you fight and yell and scream and the more you refuse to do that the more you piss them off.

unfortunately she got pissed off in public and my loved ones who DID engage took the brunt of her insanity and many of them ended up with hurt feelings. [incidentally miss g i did not, nor will i ever, coerce ANYONE to reply to you. i did ask a playwright friend for help drafting my single paragraph reply to your initial attack (no, i don’t think g is still reading, least i hope not because if she is her life is even smaller than i imagined and that’s just sad.)]

the part that surprises me is that i have trouble forgetting these people that really didn’t have my back.

it’s like i feel like the conversation isn’t over even though it is.

what’s weird to me is that that feeling exists at all when in all cases i could NEVER trust them again. when i know for a fact that my back is not something they have. when, in fact, i know that if i did turn my back they would likely stick a knife in it.

why is it exactly that i can’t stop wondering if they’re well?

regardless, this is my blog … MINE and no one gets to fuck that up for me, no one.

even if it did take me a while to get there.

March 8, 2008


Filed under: anxiety,bliss,exercise,friendship,life,money,pilates,Uncategorized,work — sassinak @ 11:41 pm

how lovely is this? i got it in an email that informed me i had to forward it or i would have bad luck… of course good luck follows the forward. whatever. that said, it’s such a nice wish that i really would wish it for anyone i knew:


May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

and see the thing that’s neat about this? i would absolutely wish that on anyone i know. anyone. this is what i want your life to be; you who is anyone that reads this blog ever.

the world would be better if that wish were true for everyone. people would share more and be nicer and maybe relax and slow down just a little bit. when did we lose the sitting on the porch with a lemonade or a mint julep and watching the sun go down?

why did such lovely moments of simple relaxation disappear? how is it that free time is the one thing we don’t seem to treasure anymore?

i say that, of course, in the middle of a day where i refused to leave the house (after a class i took this morning) and all i did was watch television and blog.  so it isn’t like i don’t treasure my time off.

in fact?  since i took a vacation it’s all i can do not to immediately take another one!


in point of fact my current financial dilemma is more interesting than that.  you see there are these two courses  that i want to take and they are in may and within a few weeks of each other.  one is a weekend in austin texas which would allow me to a) go to austin b) meet a buncha folks i’ve known on the net for years c) learn from a pilates elder and d) experience a good pilates conference again.

the other involves a really great second generation teacher who is coming to toronto from her town to do a weekend on the cadillac.  my most underutilized but much loved cadillac.  the cadillac that i drove to virginia to get (with my father natch… in his truck)  and use constantly and do not know enough about.

so yeah, i want to do them both!

i want to do them both but i keep spending money and i really don’t have any savings.  i get that i have to invest in myself but it’s really hard because i also get that i need to continue learning because it’s that continued learning that keeps me on top of my field.

[not on top like my teacher or marie jose… on top like competent and involved and steadily evolving]

i want to take these great educational opportunities that would cost me about a thousand dollars in flight and hotel (but probably little to no food) and six hundred and forty dollars in tuition and throw two thousand dollars at them and just do them both but.

but i just got back from a vacation and while i’m doing okay with money in the sense that i’m making slightly more than i spend i am totally failing to save anything.

i have no rainy day cushion whatsoever and i hate that.

for five years i’ve been choosing the business and throwing money at it but it sucks.  it sucks because much as i love my business this constant living on the edge financially is draining and exhausting.

i hate making my rent with pennies to spare.  i hate having a few hundred dollars in my account in one of those ‘between cheque’ periods and i most assuredly hate being terrified of getting sick.

i can afford a week off now.  i have earned five sick days and two weeks vacation a year.  i can even take long weekends but savings?

i guess that’s the next hurdle.  i had thought it would come before time off but it turns out that one needs breaks to maintain sanity.  weird i know.

so there it is…. thirty six and starting to save money.

so now remind me… how do i save money AND go to school?

September 24, 2007

unpaid credit cards and other calamities


my client is a no-show, lucky you you get a post… and i still have enough work this week that i’m not worried  :)



six years ago on january twenty second of this coming year i got into a car accident.  i had just spent the weekend patrolling at osler bluff ski club and was just delighted with my new ski patrol versus my old one.

my boyfriend and i were discussing moving in with each other (which we did in fact subsequently do… and then undo) and our great love for each other along with our hope that we could keep it that way.

i had just been promoted and was finally starting to get the hang of my new job (promoted, might i add, over forty eight other applicants ALL of whom had worked for the company longer than i had.)

financially i had finally gotten myself to a place where i was spending less than i made AND my car was all fixed after a short period of unemployment caused me to not fix a few things.

i had been off the cigarettes for more than a year and was believing that i might stay off (which i have) and had been working out enough that i had muscles and a nice body again at last. [amazing what a boost of energy NOT smoking gave me.]

in fact, i had just (three days earlier in fact) finally paid the balance on my credit card.  a balance which had crept up and up since i moved to toronto and just hadn’t quite managed to get itself paid off.

look, look i danced to myself, i finally don’t owe anyone anything and i have a nice life and a great job and a fantastic guy and wheee go me!

and wham.

i get in a car accident.

a little, tiny, inconsequential even, fender bender.  the kind that does all of six hundred dollars damage to one’s car IF they bother to replace the slightly scratched bumper.

the kind of accident that one effectively pays NO attention to.  and then… it crept.

little things started to hurt more and more and physical activity got harder and harder and suddenly, six months later, there i am fat and broken and hopeless thinking that i’ll never get well.   physios are giving up on me and life is just not going well.

eventually i meet my teacher and realise that being strapped to a desk is going to render it nearly impossible for me to heal and i quit my job.  nobody tells me that i’m entitled to go on disability.  nope, nor do they tell me that i might have been eligible for income replacement.


so i go it alone… or more accurately i go it alone with my boyfriend’s consent and understanding and willingness to help.

six months we think, it can’t take more than that.

yeah.  cut to a year later, i’m still broken, he and i have split up due to the stress and i’m living in a tiny little apartment and trying to support myself through teacher training while cleaning houses.  (i can’t ever work a real desk job again unless i have freedom to get up and move around constantly… otherwise?  seized up sass.) [just in case you wonder why i didn’t try to get my cushy desk job back in the meantime, it involved being strapped to a phone without a wireless headset.]

cut to another year later, i’m finished teacher training but still cleaning houses (and then i became the super of my building as well but that’s another story entirely) and wondering where the work is.  turns out there’s a bit of a glut of baby pilates teachers in these here parts and there isn’t much.

i get a client here and a couple of group classes there but really not so much of anything and the little credit card that could ends up maxed out all to shit.

cut to now.  i’m working an average of twenty to twenty-five teaching hours a week (which is about a thirty-five/forty hour week in terms of time driving and calling and waiting and… or about fifty in terms of start and finish times on the days that i work) and am slowly approaching my maximum cut-off of thirty hours a week (though at that point i will cut the schedule some so i have some earlier evenings back.)

i’ve fixed most of the shit that’s wrong with my car after five years of poverty based neglect [crap i have to call mr. law and see him about those upper engine mounts…] and boy does it drive better.  like it did when i met it even.  i mean like wicked fun to corner with again!  not as fun as it could be though, i think i’ll get some tires next time i have a spare four hundred bucks. (like november cause i like to get new tires just before winter hits.)

i’ve bought clothing that isn’t from nineteen niney eight or for work or used!

and shoes! and cds!

i can eat out whenever i like!

and here’s the kicker.  the other day i *deep breath* paid off my credit card.

due to holy terror i promptly ran out and spent some money on clothing and a CD and then i went and dropped three hundred and sixty bucks at the vet (mouse’s kidneys are fine for those of you that were wondering and the vet is delighted with their healthfulness) and just now made an appointment with the mechanic.   i then, of course, promptly dumped a bunch more payment on the card…

but see?  i paid off my credit card.

i can’t decide if i want to dance with glee or hide my ass in a dark corner somewhere and never come out so the universe can’t kick me again!

i’m sort of walking around staring at the sky and wondering where the toilet seat is going to come from (sorry, if you’ve never seen dead like me suffice to say that the main character is a reaper and is rendered dead by a flying toilet seat from a crashing piece of a space station.  such a funny show… but i digress.)

i really am scared shitless, how ridiculous is that?

July 11, 2007

la la lalalala la la la lala

Filed under: anxiety,bliss,dancing,dating,driving,family,food,life,men — sassinak @ 3:56 pm


that’s the smurfs theme by the way, in case anyone wants to sing along at home.


so, we went, we got lost, we bought a cadillac.

a mint green, stainless steel and wood cadillac to be exact. a beautiful, happy in it’s new home since it’s getting used at last machine that will serve my clients and i well for years to come.

a cadillac that we dragged up elevator and down, through customs and washington [trust me, washington was harder to navigate] and made mine with a touch of my father’s blood while we put it back together in my living room.

a cadillac that my cats have appropriated instantly such that any photos of it that i take have a mouse or a harriet on them. speaking of mouse and harriet…


how cute are they? yes that’s my reformer’s edge beside them and yes this is very early in the moving in process…

anyway, life seems to be moving along pretty well here at casa sass.

beautiful men (and i don’t mean looks but some of them are also hot) are appearing in my life in the funniest ways, they walk into my class or smile at me at the climbing gym (and i miss it of course) or i catch them staring when i’m walking down the street and so on.

it seems that some recent events in my life, which effectively involved removing a millstone from around my neck, have allowed my ‘inner glow’ to reappear.

the kind of inner glow that has total strangers, women not trying to pick me up, stopping me in the street to compliment my dress and my beautiful hourglass figure.

the kind that has every man in a room staring at me when i enter it.

the kind that has my clients saying ‘you look like a shadow has lifted from your face somehow. and no, it isn’t just the tan, i’ve had that for weeks.

i feel like i’m dancing on a cloud every single day and with the miniscule exception of some unhappy people attacking me because they’ve decided that i’m attacking them? (which i wasn’t) my life rocks!

it rocks!

i’m teaching enough to eat and pay off my credit card at last. the credit card that has sat, at it’s limit, for the last four years. the credit card which, when paid off, may allow me to max it out again in exchange for a trip to see my parents!

an actual trip to ITALY!! woo hoo!

are you getting this? that means i might get, four years since i started my business, i might get a VACATION!

more than three and a half days off in a ROW! [which i get about five times a year all together… and that counts the two day weekends too]

oh god, i think i might have to just die of happiness right now.

yes yes, i know i’m counting my chickens before they hatch. i know i have a trip to orlando to pay for in november that might preclude actual italian food on new year’s eve and i still don’t care you know why?

i’m finally working ENOUGH!

man… i didn’t know how much weight i was carrying around until that anchor fell off my neck and shattered on the road behind me.

June 25, 2007

playing nice

Filed under: anxiety,friendship,life — sassinak @ 8:24 am


you know

if there’s one thing i hate it’s people who won’t tell the truth.

that’s not quite what i mean. i mean that thing where people don’t tell you the truth because they think it will hurt you. that thing where they never think about the fact that in the long run you’ll get hurt so much more when you find out what’s really going on.

we’ve all done it.

we’ve said that some piece of clothing or haircut was nice because someone desperately wanted us to like it even though we didn’t. we’ve been noncommittal when it was easier than being clear and we’ve hedged and hemmed rather than say what we were thinking.

and most of the time it’s okay.

but sometimes it’s really not.

sometimes, no matter how hurtful you think it will be, you need to just tell the truth. especially when it’s the hardest.

exactly when you think it’s going to hurt the most.

that’s nearly always when the actual truth is the most important.

there was a man once who didn’t tell me the truth when i told him that i liked him. he obfuscated and teased me and i hadn’t read ‘he’s just not that into you’ yet. so i fell down the rabbit hole.

if he had told me the truth i would never have had such trouble. i would have just known not to get my hopes up and been able to move on.

that’s the easiest example because it’s the one that happens the most often. it’s the one place that it’s hard to be honest because we know that someone’s emotions are involved. it’s so hard to tell someone a hard truth when you care about them.

i’ve done this to my friends before in certain ways. gotten so fed up with them and their crap that it’s finally been worth just telling them what i thought and you know what?

it’s universally gone well.

every single time. for some reason people are always really grateful when i tell them the hardest things. they’ve thanked me and appreciated it every single time.

but why is it that it doesn’t get any easier?

it’s always so damm hard to just open your mouth and say the things that are true. it’s easy to just say things that are non-committal and hem and haw and hope that it goes away.

but i’m really learning that it’s when it’s the hardest that it’s the most important. that it’s those times that make you want to ache with despair that are the ones when you need to get your truth telling on.

what’s amazing is how few people do it.

i know a lot of people who pride themselves on their truth telling and yet those same people seem just as likely to disseminate when the truth telling time comes and it’s weird.

i get it, don’t get me wrong.

i get it because i too have done it and tried not to do it and still do it on occasion. i just wish more people would try to be truthful more often.

myself included.

it’s so hard not to just say the nice thing. not to just go along with the status quo. not to let it slide one more day.

but i almost always regret not telling the truth.

don’t be nice to me, please, i beg you, don’t be nice to me. you can sugarcoat a little or maybe be a little less harsh but nonetheless, don’t pull your punches. wear a boxing glove sure but if you care for me at all?

just tell me the truth.

June 12, 2007

funny funny

Filed under: anxiety,life,random — sassinak @ 11:00 pm


i have this funny thing happening inside me.

you see it all started when someone, a lady i know, asked me a question i didn’t know the answer to.

i was a bit flummoxed because i thought the answer to that question was obvious. i thought i knew what it was. i was even certain.

in fact i started to answer the question with the old answer. i went to trot out the usual dog and pony show and then i was faced with this sudden realisation.

the usual dog and pony show wasn’t there.

in it’s place was a non-show, a non-starter, a placeholder if you will. a whole lotta nothin’ in fact.

i might have even stuttered.

funnily enough, although the rocking of my world was rather revolutionary it doesn’t really matter what the what actually was.

it’s more the feeling. this sort of cosmic uncertainty that almost feels unfillable and leaves a little hole where i thought there was filling. it’s tilted my planet on an axis it didn’t know was there and it’s such a neat feeling after all is said and done.

i don’t know.

do you know that the more i say that phrase the happier it makes me?

i don’t know if i’m having kids or not.

i don’t know if driving to get my cadillac *happy dance* with my dad will be fun or not but i’m leaning toward mass fun.

i don’t know if i will ever do a roll-up.

i don’t know how much more poverty i can take. fortunately that appears to be something i will get to look back on soon (for a while anyway). hate to count on it.

i don’t know when or how.

i don’t know…

i don’t know if he’ll say yes. or if i have the courage to ask.

i don’t know…

i don’t know if mouse is okay, ask me in a week.

i don’t know how i feel.

man that last one is true of so many things!

that last one is true of many of that list even as they are their own separate thoughts. it’s kind of interesting. i’m enjoying the lack of knowing. i feel as though i’ve flung my future to the vagaries of the universe and that i have relinquished all power over it.

and yet i continue to plan and worry.

since when am i a worrier?

since i broke? since i got tired of being broke? since the first big vet bill? since i stopped wanting to ask my parents for money? [which i willingly did for my business, strange but true] since when?

i don’t know that either.

i don’t know when i started to stress out about things, probably about the time i accepted, or at least tried, responsibility for my own bills. i know i cared a lot less when i was twenty than i do now.

but now?

now i may have learned something more important.

i don’t know.

i don’t know shit and it feels good.

June 11, 2007


Filed under: anxiety,friendship,life,pets,pilates,responsibility,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:53 pm

so i’m trying a new keyboard that rolls up and fits in your pocket and here’s what i have so far: [don’t worry this turns into a post shortly]

okay, i have no idea where the backspace key is and now that i’ve found it i think it’s moronic. i have to twist my wrist to get there. the keys are a little slow or something, or i haven’t figured out how to hit them yet because i keep missing some of them.

anyway i think i have to figure out the wrist configuration or something. it seems i’ll have to learn to type with proper form again because these keys expect professional typist rather than lazy ircer which is what i’ve become. the backspace key man, it’s too much work.

i think this keyboard would be okay when you got used to it and that it’s too small for my large hands but that it might be nice for someone with a heavy laptop.

personally i think i prefer putting my laptop on a clipboard.

regardless it’s neat but the key stroke angles are funny.


it’s been a heavy week, and the kind of heavy i’m not ready to talk about. that said, some strange things are colouring everything that’s going on.

my cat mouse


mouse likes corn chips by the way, how weird is that?


my cat mouse is having bladder issues. for the second time in as many weeks (ten days ago to be precise) she was in the vet for what tested as nothing but presented as bladder infection.

they gave her fluids, got her peeing and said if she didn’t get better to get some antibiotics.

she got better.

cut to today

she peed THREE TIMES in fifteen minutes and the first one she looked up at me and did this pitiful little meow.

then she peed in the tub. er make that tried to pee.

so i have fluids at home and instructions for how to use them and if it happens again we’re talking kidney x-rays and expensive tests.  currently they’re calling it stress induced cystitis adn i accepted that but then i thought to myself… self?  since when is she stressed?


go fluids!

okay so the other colouration to my life is that shane moved to vancouver.


she goes and makes friends with me, turns out to be that convenient human you can randomly call who will actually go out for lunch with you on ten minutes notice and she’s all nice and stuff.

in other words she moved into my life like a whirlwind, got me dressing like a girl again and going out in public and then fucked off to vancouver…

i understand why and everything i just miss my brunch buddy.

so basically i’m worried about my cat and i miss my excellent new friend and then all this weird and crazy shit is happening around me.

don’t misunderstand, there’s also some really great stuff happening.

i made a deal on a cadillac with the help of my parents and the release of my birthday and christmas presents so though i won’t get presents later i’m getting a HUGE one now!

i’m going to try to pay at least half so i still get a christmas gift though, i like gifts… course i like cadillacs more *grin*

i’m really excited about this because my back is suffering from all the working on the floor that i’m doing and my clients have a hard time getting up and down off the ground so all in all this is a really fantastic change.

my living room will no longer be able to pretend that it’s a living room but what the heck, i’ll have a cadillac and then i’ll be able to do duets! [sessions with two people where they each get a machine]

this is, nonetheless, very heavy. i’ve had to ask my parents for cash every birthday since i started this job because august is SO tight in this business but this year seems to be doing a little better so we’ll see what happens right?


it’ll be fine right?


okay so heavy things are afoot but all of them are good. it’s more a case of someone offering to put their money where my mouth is so now i have to decide what i really want.


regarding the last post “left fields,” i’ve read every comment, taken a lot of them to heart and am doing some long hard thinking. i promise, when i get a little less muddled, to write a follow-up post that addresses many of the amazing points raised and adds my personal response to them.

that is, however; a post for another day because it’s going to have to percolate through my brain for a while before i can make anything coherent about it.


shut up, some of my posts are so coherent!


February 10, 2007


Filed under: anxiety,dating,ebay,life — sassinak @ 12:11 am


i had a funny experience recently while chatting with a man that i know. i was joking around about some matchmakers that have taken an interest in my life and i told him that he had better be careful because if we were seen talking they’d be after us to go out.

and then i commented that he had nothing to worry about because he has a girlfriend and he said ‘no, i just moved out actually’ and i made sympathetic noises and asked him about it.

it turns out that after several years together he’s moved out for what i consider to be excellent reasons and is now single. what’s funny about this is what i did next.

i immediately compared myself favourably to her (in other words: ‘i’m not like *that*’) and found myself touching his shoulder.

yeah, without missing a beat or thinking twice about it i started flirting with him. makes me wonder if i’ve been flirting with him all along and i just sort of didn’t notice.

i’ve definetely thought his girlfriend was a lucky lady but i hadn’t realised i was going to throw my metaphorical hat into the ring until it landed!

i mean hell the ring isn’t even built yet and there’s my hat sitting in the middle of it!

now i have to go chasing after my hat and tell it to settle down and act like a lady and just generally to not be so boy-crazy and there it is sitting all pretty in a ring that’s not even there.

silly hat.


in other news, i bought a reformer.

on ebay.

i know, i didn’t see it coming either. the girl seems really nice and she’s sending me some extra parts and everything.

yes, of course it’s balanced body.


speaking of ebay, that shit is heart stopping!

i mean i sat there and i watched my reformer until there was one little tiny minute left to bid and then i couldn’t wait another second and how i wish i’d waited thirty more and then the numbers were flying and the dust settled and *i* am the proud owner of a genuine pilates reformer.

what the hell.

you would not believe the heart racing rush involved in buying thousand dollar items on ebay, just would not!

in some ways it would have been fun to lose the auction just to get some more of this adrenaline rush.

*reads what she just wrote*

*writes strict personal ebay rules akin to her ‘the sims’ rules*

wow wow wow i’m fried from that auction (it just ended forty minutes ago) and i have to try and have a nap. hah that’s funny.

like i can sleep right now.


i actually slept.


it’s funny this week, a lot of good things are happening around me and to the people that i care about.

my friend shane and i toasted the karma gods today… boy i regret that a little, that sort of hubris can get you in trouble…


regardless, i have a hat to catch, if you’ll excuse me…

January 17, 2007


Filed under: anxiety,dating,life — sassinak @ 10:44 am


oh my god i’m dying.

it’s MOSTLY my apartment see but it’s not SURELY my apartment and i’m dying. i know that if i don’t get it i’ll find something even better (hah!) but i really want it.

so i called the super and i left a message and said that i knew she wouldn’t hear until today but that it was her day off and could she get someone (the other super) to call me and let me know anyway.

she calls me at three am (thank god i leave my ringer off!) and tells me that she put the application on their desk on tuesday and that they’ve never turned down an application she’s put on their desk and that it all looks great so she’s sure it’s fine.

so it’s mine right?


i can take a deep breath?

hah. there’s still the management company who could say no if they want to.


i talked to my property manager and told her that i thought i had found a place for march first but that i wouldn’t hear back until sometime this week and i’m sorry it’s not quite enough notice but i might not leave until april first either and incidentally i used january’s rent to pay last month’s rent and i promise to pay you in the next week regardless.

and she was so awesome. she told me i could go when i wanted and earlier if i needed to. she said that it’s no problem and that she wishes me luck and i could pay whenever.

she knows me, she knows i would never leave that rent unpaid longer than i said i would. and i have the cash now i just have to get it to the bank.

so that’s a load off the old mind anyway.


a few of my clients are away until march (well two and i lost one until she finds some money) which is financially awkward but really convenient for arranging a move.


please call me already and tell me my beautiful space in a ravine is mine.



othercat is getting better, his eyes are quite good and he’s in excellent spirits.

doctors are predicting a full recover.

weirder? gabi knows someone the exact same thing happened to!

he and i are going for lunch and then i’m taking him on errands.


i thought a boy was into me and he isn’t.

it’s okay but i dug him.

for a change i watched the situation rationally and used logical clues instead of caring emotionally. although i enjoyed the email experiment [comments section but read the post first] last week i am gratified to know that my gut instinct that it was a brush-off was correct.

i mean it’s nice to know at least that i can listen to my gut


call me already dammit!


now all i have to do is find some machines (ideally a balanced body reformer – extra long and a cadillac wall unit) and someone to pay for them or lease them to me. god leasing, that at least is a full write-off and my newfound business manager found me a tax guy so maybe i have some money coming.

hope hope.


elle i’ll get pics as soon as i move in okay? they’re doing a full reno and you don’t want to see the ugly green carpet


gotta go, brunch with the oc!

take care of each other…

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