snapshots of an idle mind

January 21, 2009

sweet sadness

Filed under: anxiety,bitter pills,bliss,cars,driving,engines,grief,life,random,surreal — sassinak @ 3:17 pm

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well, it’s official, i have a new car.

okay not entirely official as i don’t take delivery until this afternoon but you know what i mean.  it’s paid for (with some help) and the plates are off my old car and sitting in the windshield/back window.

i may have driven my old honda for the last time and i’m abjectly sad about it.

i understand that i will love my new car just as much and that i will be just as broken hearted when my mechanic says “it’s time, your car is dead” but that isn’t any consolation to me now.

there are a few reasons i’m unhappy about this transition, not the least of which is that i expected to get another five years about of my perfectly tuned, corners like a bmw, gets phenomenal mileage accord.  expected in vain because the body rotted out from under me with very little warning.

in fact i’m a little bit pissed off at my mechanic for not making me understand what was happening.  why was i fixing a rotten car?  why wasn’t i made to understand 3-5 years ago that i needed to spend some money on the body?

how was this a SURPRISE?

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there is something so *wrong* about throwing out something so perfectly tuned.  i know the body is rotten but the engine has another 200,000km in it EASY.

ah well, i think i found a guy who is going to find a solid body and use my parts to build a car… so at least he’s getting something out of it.

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so here i am all broken hearted right?

all sad about the passing of this beautiful machine…

and yet?

and yet there’s a little joy here.

i’m getting my very first NEW car!

not new to me, NEW.

as in no one but me has ever driven it (okay, on and off the truck and the broker is driving it to my house but you know what i’m saying) and i have to break in the engine.

as in i get to be the only person who cares for this car and i will know implicitly every bolt that gets changed and fluid that gets dirty and if it dies it will be entirely my responsibility.

it will be *mine* from the day it got sold until the day i sell it or my mechanic looks at me mournfully and says “it’s time, get a new car.”

and that’s cool right?

i should be excited to own my very first new car and i am… i mean i’m totally stoked and i am fully aware that i will fall madly in love with it in time… it’s just i’m having a hard time getting past the senseless waste of it’s predecessor.

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oh you wanna know what i got?

2008.5 mazda 3 sedan, five speed with no air… cause i like don’t like the air and the power anything…

i do like the ipod plug though… kind of an improvement over the tape deck

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in other news, what is with these idiots who get high performance cars in an automatic?

or worse, with a manual transmission and NO IDEA how to WORK IT???

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only thing worse?

porsche sport utility vehicle…

i mean really, isn’t that an oxymoron?

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oh wow oh wow oh wow

my car is almost here and the plates are off my accord…

god i’m sad for my accord.

man i’m excited about my very first new car…

wow wow wow.

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and for those of you who know how much i love old things?

yes, i really did basically buy the new car version of the old car i’m throwing out….

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anyone wanna buy a really good engine?

January 17, 2009

winterlicious

Filed under: bliss,exercise,family,life,outside,pics,seasonal,surreality,work — sassinak @ 9:45 pm

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i am having the strangest week…

not strange bad, more in the sense of all over the place and utterly unpredictable.

for a long time my business has had one source of referrals other than my existing clients and this has bothered me; not enough to advertise or get a job in a gym but enough.  i never like being dependent on one thing because there is always the risk that the person doing the referring will suddenly decide that they don’t like me anymore.

i haven’t been particularly worried because i tend to be extremely competent and this leads to less trouble than the average self-employed pilates instructor might experience.

you see my clients send me their wives/husbands/best friends and with that kind of loyalty my business can do nothing but grow.  it might grow slowly but it will grow nonetheless.

anyway this week i met a gynecologist who asked for my card and promised referrals (one of my areas of specialisation happens to be post partum women with pelvic floor/incontinence/sexual health issues) and a personal trainer client asked for a stack of cards and in fact referred someone to me already.

so suddenly? 

i went from one to three referral sources in a week!!!

this is truly awesome, not to mention that my clients send me more and more clients each year.  hmm maybe i can stop working at seven thirty in the evening someday…

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in the meantime…

on thursday night i had dinner with a being who can make a million dollars on a ten minute phone call from a lounger on grand cayman (married, hush y’all)

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on friday night i met a woman who runs her own company and happens to be getting arthritis in her feet.  what does this mean? 

that none of her 40 years worth of shoes fit her anymore.

why does this matter to me?

i have TWENTY ONE!!!!! new pairs of high heels (well a few are flats) to add to my already ridiculous shoe collection. 

i was like a kid in a candy store i’m telling you!

god you guys some of them are SOOOO sexy.

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and on saturday?

on saturday my father enlisted my help to dig a hole. 

this would not normally be worthy of mention except for two or three little details:

it happens to be a measly nineteen below centigrade today (a mere minus two fahrenheit) and has been at least that cold for days.  it’s not traditionally known to be good hole digging weather.

of course we *were* in a steel structure, that raised the temperature at least 0.1 degree by removing the wind chill so it was really positively balmy in there…

furthermore he wanted us to dig the hole down several feet… (we gave up at the two foot mark and decided to wait for spring)

and still none of that would be worth mentioning except for this:

that is a real grin

that is a real grin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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is that not the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen?

no like ever?

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the tragedy of my life is that i found hacking away at a frozen solid piece of earth with my father to be ridiculously fun.

best part was after we got down a foot or so he carefully positioned a space heater in the hole, covered it with a tarp, and headed in to the house for lunch.

i was sure the whole place would go up in flames but nope, back we come to a hole that is frozen solid except for three inches of mud.  you can see the mud in the pic.

even funnier is that about fifteen minutes after this pic was taken the hat was off, the scarf was gone and my jacket was hanging open… but the camera was frozen ;>

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i was *going* to do some cardio (aka ride mom’s stationary bike) but i decided that two hours with a pickaxe had to count and said screw it.

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and then tomorrow?

off to go skiing….

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you have to admit, it’s been kind of an up and down week…

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well mostly up.

oh yeah, i bought a car!

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for those of you who guessed that this ENTIRE post was so i could post the picture?

smart you…

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that may be my best fashion crime this year…

September 12, 2008

disdatndeudderting

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so i have some news that will not please some of you; nayrb and i decided a while ago to call it quits.

we were… not treating each other as well as we might have and all the talking in the world wasn’t making it better.  worse maybe since i think the talking was irritating us rather than doing any good.

basically we got steadily less nice to each other.  i got impatient and frustrated and he got kinda needy and we just kept pushing buttons and not really treating each other with kindness.

i’ve been kind of in shock really.

it’s not so much that we believed that we would *never* break up but that we had this deep affection for each other over and above the usual new toy neurological imperatives.  we expected that we would be able to deal with whatever the universe chose to throw at us, that we would at least be together for a few years.

and then it just started to go bad and it didn’t get better.

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look a picture of me!  in my studio!  in my living room! on the phone!

me n' my studio...

me n' my studio...

isn’t it purty?

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weirder even than being single again?

dating.

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look harriet!

sunny!

sunny!

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mouse with the same ball!

my ball!

my ball!

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there, see how i distract you with pictures?

really though, he and i are both okay and i’m pretty sure we both think this is for the best.  we remain friendly and are in fact considering throwing a ‘sass n’nayrb split up – bring someone suitable’ party but we’re not sure everyone else would appreciate the humor involved.

still considering it though.

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i think maybe the things we saw as problems the very first week might have had a lot to do with it, hard to say though.

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in other news; i’m thinking of leaving my band.

there is a person in it who continues to make me uncomfortable in a pretty shitty way some two or three times a year.  and i know it’s her problem and not mine i *really really* do but that doesn’t mean i particularly want her negativity in my life any longer.

it’s desperately difficult for me to imagine not hitting my drum and singing at the top of my lungs every thursday night but aren’t these things supposed to make you happy!???!

truly i love the band and i regret regularly that i ever mentioned it in her presence.  i think i knew from the first that it would come to this but i don’t know how else to handle it.

i love the guys in that band i really do; they are some of the most amazing people that i have in my life and their bickering and interaction and just general good-natured fun with each other never cease to amuse me [except for the occasional moments when i want to kill them of course.]

either way, after her latest insult i will have to stay away for a little while for fear that i will say what i think.  she is a rather fragile human and most of her issue with me seems to stem from lack of self-confidence so really, anything i say will only serve to make it worse.

frankly i wish i could tell her to take her crap and fuck off.  but i can’t… the guys adore us both.

dammit! dammit! dammit!

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doesn’t harriet look hilarious with that ball and the sun?

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happy weekend!

July 21, 2008

premature anti-climax

Filed under: bliss,dancing,festivals,life,music,pilates,Uncategorized,work — sassinak @ 10:16 pm

so as some of you are aware the hillside festival is this weekend.

as those of you who have paid attention to this blog for a long time are aware i tend to get very excited about hillside many weeks in advance and stay high from it for weeks afterward.

not so much this year.

in fact, next year? next year i think that i will attend as a patron instead. in fact i think i will do that from now on.

there is something very attractive about the idea of having a campsite of my own over near the showers or up by the nice beach or whatever. volunteer camping is losing it’s allure and well.

there’s something changing about the vibe that i can’t explain. i feel like the festival is at the point where it’s a well oiled machine but that that’s not entirely a positive thing.

i used to feel that, as a volunteer, my contribution to the festival was important. i also used to feel like a valued member of something and now?

now i feel more like hrm… like to them they are doing me the favour of allowing me to attend as a volunteer. that they don’t need *me* and even maybe just a little like they’d rather i weren’t there.

and i totally know that i’m the paranoid type okay?

i further know that i’m neurotic and likely to assume the worst based on very few clues… but i still kind of wish that i wasn’t going. well no, that’s not true.

i more just kind of wish that i were going to see the music instead. so i talked to othercat and next year we’re going to do that for a change.

imagine getting to go see ANY band you wanted.

imagine that?

i think that i rather like the idea strangely enough. i think we’re gonna do it.

this is, of course, subject to a revote on sunday but well… it feels pretty like a done great idea at this point :)

man the sleep we’ll get without the people shouting inches from my bed. plus going out for breakfast every morning if we want… nah, that part it too much work unless we’re accidentally up early.
and then i might volunteer to do workshops instead…

:)

breath, pilates and the pelvic floor; a frank discussion of sex with jokes and exercises to take home.

or volunteer pilates…

April 8, 2008

cupics

Filed under: bliss,blogging,cats,eye candy,life,men,outside,pics,travel,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 8:58 pm

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hey guys i got nothing… well i got lots of stuff and no time and frankly the posts are sort of gone when i get here… so i’ll post some pics.

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oh if you’re one of the people who knows about my angsty week last week? let it be known that the mess has been put to bed…

so to speak… not like the cat vomit i found on my sheets when i got home from seeing my sister…

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mmm cat vomit.

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i had the kind of week last week where i didn’t notice when my credit card information was scammed and mastercard called me up to tell me that they needed to cancel my credit card and would send me a new one.

i didn’t even notice when the thing got sent express post and i had to go get it at the post office. frankly that’s sort of reassuring really.

anyway i finally noticed when the

01/04/2008 02/04/2008 USD1,032.77@1.045500LOWES #00498* CLARKS
$1,079.76

appeared on the bill.

like what the fuck?

anyway it turns out that what happens is they notice the suspicious transaction and call you to confirm that you didn’t do it. then they cancel your card and send you a new one…

BUT the freaking charge still goes through.

so suddenly i was over my limit and going to the mechanic for ‘weirdness’

weirdness is NEVER cheap.

so suddenly i got it. someone can totally screw with your finances doing this shit and moreso i’m super impressed with mastercard’s prompt response. they were awesome. okay, except for not telling that the charge was gonna show up on my bill.

but, to apologize they raised my limit by twelve hundred dollars so i can’t complain. furthermore they’re ‘comfortable leaving it at that level’ which means my little business is doing even better than i think it is.

so, i had a very strange and fully angsty week with financial weirdness that turned out to be a bonus because after that charge comes off my bill i can buy a wunda chair! actually, the angsty weirdness was a bonus too because a LOT of things have been resolved.

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oh right, pics!

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sorry the lame gallery can’t count…

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laters!

March 16, 2008

this is me feeding my cats

Filed under: bitter pills,bliss,blogging,hockey,life,men,pics,random,surreal,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:48 am

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see that? how i went to the closet and got cat food and gave it to my cats? and see how they stopped yowling for food?

no?

well all right then.

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so the leafs have had another disappointing season. there are in fact nine games left so they have a decent chance of catching up from tweflth where they are currently sitting to ninth or so.

it’s weird how they’ve had terrible luck and the worst calls and are definitely not going to make the playoffs *again* and yet i’m still madly in love with them. i mean there are a few mitigating circumstances but geeze it’s not like they’re very good either.

by all rights i should be over this team. i should have stopped having a crush on mats sundin and i should definitely not be thinking that they’re playing better than their position in the scoring charts would indicate.

and yet… and yet i realize that i’m not really telling the truth. although they are better than where they are sitting in the standings? they still aren’t *good.*

i can tell the difference. i’ve seen what montreal has done with their young players and the magic word. what magic word? why teamwork of course.

that thing where they practice passing the puck again and again before they actually shoot. the thing where they play together.

god it’s pretty to watch.

please don’t tell anyone that i’m enjoying watching the habs play hockey okay? i mean i’m supposed to hate them they’re like hockey evil or something since i’m a leafs fan. and i am a leafs fan i am…

but i sure am glad my other conference team (calgary!) is playing better…

mmm iginla and kiprusoff… here comes the cup playoffs…

[don’t tell anyone but i think montreal is a major contendor this year]

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i just went to play a game of dress-up clue where i turned out to be the villain!

check out my awesome card:

clueme1.jpg

anyway it was a surprisingly good time and i confess that i was extra delighted to be the murderer!

plus?

i got called beautiful!

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i know it’s silly to love the nice things people say about me but well… go me! compliments like that really do make a body feel good.

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nayrb got a haircut and he looks all extra cute… pretty nice if you’re me also.

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incidentally?  nayrb fed the cats… thanks nayrb!

it’s interesting how little i have to complain about these days. most of the things in my life that had been causing me to complain (or blog)have been fixed.

i can actually afford shoes and i don’t hurt much anymore and i have a nice apartment and my business is finally doing better and then?  after all that falls into place?

i meet a nice man.

seems so impossible really to be living an angst free life.  impossible but fucking awesome!

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nayrb and i went to a crocodile farm in cuba and here we are molesting a child:

babycroc1.jpg

night kids!

March 8, 2008

wishes

Filed under: anxiety,bliss,exercise,friendship,life,money,pilates,Uncategorized,work — sassinak @ 11:41 pm

how lovely is this? i got it in an email that informed me i had to forward it or i would have bad luck… of course good luck follows the forward. whatever. that said, it’s such a nice wish that i really would wish it for anyone i knew:

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

and see the thing that’s neat about this? i would absolutely wish that on anyone i know. anyone. this is what i want your life to be; you who is anyone that reads this blog ever.

the world would be better if that wish were true for everyone. people would share more and be nicer and maybe relax and slow down just a little bit. when did we lose the sitting on the porch with a lemonade or a mint julep and watching the sun go down?

why did such lovely moments of simple relaxation disappear? how is it that free time is the one thing we don’t seem to treasure anymore?

i say that, of course, in the middle of a day where i refused to leave the house (after a class i took this morning) and all i did was watch television and blog.  so it isn’t like i don’t treasure my time off.

in fact?  since i took a vacation it’s all i can do not to immediately take another one!

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in point of fact my current financial dilemma is more interesting than that.  you see there are these two courses  that i want to take and they are in may and within a few weeks of each other.  one is a weekend in austin texas which would allow me to a) go to austin b) meet a buncha folks i’ve known on the net for years c) learn from a pilates elder and d) experience a good pilates conference again.

the other involves a really great second generation teacher who is coming to toronto from her town to do a weekend on the cadillac.  my most underutilized but much loved cadillac.  the cadillac that i drove to virginia to get (with my father natch… in his truck)  and use constantly and do not know enough about.

so yeah, i want to do them both!

i want to do them both but i keep spending money and i really don’t have any savings.  i get that i have to invest in myself but it’s really hard because i also get that i need to continue learning because it’s that continued learning that keeps me on top of my field.

[not on top like my teacher or marie jose… on top like competent and involved and steadily evolving]

i want to take these great educational opportunities that would cost me about a thousand dollars in flight and hotel (but probably little to no food) and six hundred and forty dollars in tuition and throw two thousand dollars at them and just do them both but.

but i just got back from a vacation and while i’m doing okay with money in the sense that i’m making slightly more than i spend i am totally failing to save anything.

i have no rainy day cushion whatsoever and i hate that.

for five years i’ve been choosing the business and throwing money at it but it sucks.  it sucks because much as i love my business this constant living on the edge financially is draining and exhausting.

i hate making my rent with pennies to spare.  i hate having a few hundred dollars in my account in one of those ‘between cheque’ periods and i most assuredly hate being terrified of getting sick.

i can afford a week off now.  i have earned five sick days and two weeks vacation a year.  i can even take long weekends but savings?

i guess that’s the next hurdle.  i had thought it would come before time off but it turns out that one needs breaks to maintain sanity.  weird i know.

so there it is…. thirty six and starting to save money.

so now remind me… how do i save money AND go to school?

February 26, 2008

swirls

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it’s all swirly in my head right now:

part of me wants to talk about my friend adam eating’s dog getting killed last week and how sad i am about that

part of me wants to talk about running off to cuba on my first vacation in five years with nayrb

chunks of me are most fascinated that i came back from cuba and like my boyfriend more… which like, really, i didn’t think was possible

some of me wants to wonder why some people can’t just let me go even though they chased me out the door

bits are wondering about posting a couple of cuba pictures… here’s one that nayrb took of me at a crocodile farm we visited, a lovely cuban man handed me this bird…:

parrot.jpg

whole divisions wish to crow about my facility in cuba because i speak italian a little.  one lady even asked me if i spoke spanish!  go me!  not to mention?  i learned some spanish!

some of me is pretty excited about being back in my life.  in fact i got a little bored toward the end there… but that’s as it should be

parts of me wonder how it’s possible that fidel castro stepped down when *i* was in cuba!  like what are the odds?

the eastern division has me thinking about my beloved leafs and their captain.  it’s interesting that he chose to stay but i think ultimately the right thing.  i mean really, was it worth it to the leafs to lose him?  not for me.  of course i know i have a crush on him but i’m also realistic and this is a guy with a lot to teach the kids that are coming

my heart wants to talk to my parents and my sister but they’re always in bed when i have free time…

nayrb went in the ocean for his first time ever… i’m glad i was there:

oceannayrb.jpg

my heart is very heavy for my friend lsd

my skin feels particularly happy and glowing at the moment.  i turned all italian while i was away and i love it. i wish i had a tan all year long…

yeah, so as you can see, i’m feeling a little discombobulated.  kind of can’t figure out which way is up and at the same time feeling a little disconnected from it all.

ah well, i’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts

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i am now addicted to vacations.  i’ve already chosen my next four weeks off… one of them is the week i just passed… but next year  :)

February 16, 2008

holy unfairness batman

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so yeah i’m having a day.

i’m sure you’re all having days too, some better than others… but i’m having a day. i woke up a little late and couldn’t get my head on straight and taught a funny class and went to class where i never quite felt like i was there and then…

and then the day improved of course.

i mean who doesn’t want to spend the first day of their first vacation in five years shovelling out their car after they’ve gotten it stuck? heaving on it with a few helpers? dumping salt all over the place to get traction for the feet as we push?

how about getting it out of the rut only to rub it up against a fence while doing so? calling your boyfriend at home to get you a tow truck? waiting for it and then watching as it pulls your car off the fence… now with a broken mirror and fresh scratches and sixty bucks to the awesome little old tow truck driver named luigi?

almost but not quite killing a pedestrian?

how about realising that you are no longer competent and that beyond calling a cab at three am and MAYBE, just MAYBE managing to pack you are done? can’t even write a fuck you suckers i’m on vacation post done?

doesn’t that sound like the best vacational first day ever?

how about if i tell you that’s only half of the shit that’s wrong right now? that i have a bladder and a yeast infection? [and if you know about my other …issue? that is acting up too.]

don’t you think the universe might be having a little fun with me?

dear universe, i really need a rest okay? would you mind making the rest of the week a little easier than the first day? pretty please?

cherries on top?
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for the record, i’m still feeling pretty good. i’m aware rationally that although i’m having a brutal day i have in no way impacted my actual vacation in any damaging way.

i mean hell the mirror was halfway broken already!

not to mention? it’s a chilly twenty four degrees in cayo coco right now.. i think that might be the temperature here in fahrenheit today…

all you can eat food and drink… beautiful man to share it with…

five star beach and cuban music to lull me into a drunken stupor…

average daily temperature of 26 degrees celsius and nightly of 21…

yeah, sounds good to me.

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hopefully this day will stop piling little disasters on top of each other. i’m really hoping that i can finish my laundry and make my bed and pack between now and three am without too much trauma…

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but you know what happens at 11:10am tomorrow morning?

oh yeah, i land in cuba for day one of my first vacation in five years…

sayonara kids!

February 6, 2008

relief

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i am looking at a cleaner desk.

i am looking at a cleaner desk that is symbolic of something so much better.

you see i hired my friend to come over and sort through all my papers. she will take all those myriad statements and bills and receipts and turn them in to some kind of useful filing system.

after that? she will enter all of this data into a spreadsheet and then? and then we will hire a bookkeeper who will do my taxes for the last five years.

yeah shut up, i am aware that i should have done them more recently. that said, i pretty much always do them every five years so this is nothing new. in fact i think the government will faint when i start to file annually.

so there are a few interesting thoughts hiding in the above, not the least of which is that i have finally accepted that *i* will NEVER get this crap done. i have been trying to make myself do this stuff for two years!

two years!

do you want to know when even some of it happened? yeah, last time i got this friend to come over and help me.

*sigh* i suck at this stuff. i can hardly call clients back and answer email let alone get my filing and paperwork done; so here’s the thing, i have accepted that i will not do this and chosen to spend some money so that it happens anyway.

i think this is akin to admitting that i cannot keep my house clean enough to run a business in and hiring a maid. i think it’s delegating of the highest order. this is extra funny because i’m always telling my boyfriend that he needs to learn to delegate.

but well, it’s a lot easier to see what other people need than what you do.

the other interesting thing hiding in the above is that i hired someone.

i have in fact hired another human being simply to make my life go better.  not only have i hired them but i’ve committed to paying them.  you know what this means?  this means that i actually BELIEVE my business is doing well enough to commit a couple of hundred dollars a month to making it run better.

yeah i’m kind of stunned to find myself in that position too but there it is.   i actually believe in my business enough to ask someone else to believe in it enough to work for me in expectation of money.  i mean she can make financial decisions because of me!

that’s so strange it is.

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in other news, nayrb and i have finally booked our vacation.

i know!  i’m going away for a WHOLE WEEK!!!!!

no work for a WEEK!

that mythical vacation i’ve been talking about for four years?  finally here!

*snoopydance of glee*

here’s the beach:

cccsena_04.jpg

and because i know you guys love this shit, here is the link to the resort.

the best part?

it’s in cuba which is one of the few places i had really despaired of visiting in time.  by this i mean that when fidel dies something is going to get different in cuba and i really wanted to see it the way it is now rather than the way it will be.  not that it isn’t possible that what’s coming will be better but still, it’s worth seeing now.

i don’t think we’ll be near enough to see havana, but there is apparently a quaint little town nearby that should satisfy our urge to see some real cuba… but let’s be honest, i just want to sleep and eat and drink and swim in the ocean and hang out with my boyfriend…

ahhh bliss.

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