snapshots of an idle mind

June 15, 2008

all right all right

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:)

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i promised myself that if anyone noticed that this blog had died i would write in it again.

i was thinking commenters but it turns out that the people who read this aren’t strangers from the world wide interweeb but friends and family that i don’t speak to that often.

so.

those seem like the kind of people worth writing for.

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it got really hard to write here after several people at once attacked me and some of those same people used posts that had NOTHING to do with them to somehow “prove” my evilness.

not so easy to put yourself out there when you know the water balloon filled with piss is waiting to land on your head.

that said, this month (two?) off has given me somewhat of a perspective shift on that. i can’t go around living my life for the people who hate me any more than i can go around living my life for the ones who love me. life has to be lived for yourself even if it means choosing to make sacrifices for loved ones.

no, those really aren’t the same thing.

i also can’t go around being afraid of what people who already hate me are going to say when i talk… i mean really now, how is that healthy?

it’s funny because someone wise once said that twenty five percent of people will love you, fifty percent will be indifferent and the other twenty five will hate you. since you can’t control what people think you may as well go after the first quarter.

generally that is a sentiment i have no problem with.

it’s just… it’s harder when it’s people who were intimates for some period of time before they changed sides. they know a lot about you and can most certainly do more damage. in fact i finally moderated ONE person for the first time ever because she was telling secrets that weren’t even mine. worse she was imagining details to fill in blanks and create patterns that never existed and then she was spewing that all over my comments section.

what are you supposed to do with that?

i considered moving the blog and i considered shutting it down but then you see she would win.

in the end i just didn’t say anything at all and i still lost because my friends and family (love ALL of you and you know who you are) defended me and then were in turn attacked by her. i lost double because i never did get another date with the guy she accused me of whoring myself out to and i quite liked him.

[funny, smart, hot, likes liberated women, science fiction and hot cars… what’s not to like?]

i did learn one thing though. my father is absolutely right when he says that what bullies want is to make you engage, to make you fight and yell and scream and the more you refuse to do that the more you piss them off.

unfortunately she got pissed off in public and my loved ones who DID engage took the brunt of her insanity and many of them ended up with hurt feelings. [incidentally miss g i did not, nor will i ever, coerce ANYONE to reply to you. i did ask a playwright friend for help drafting my single paragraph reply to your initial attack (no, i don’t think g is still reading, least i hope not because if she is her life is even smaller than i imagined and that’s just sad.)]

the part that surprises me is that i have trouble forgetting these people that really didn’t have my back.

it’s like i feel like the conversation isn’t over even though it is.

what’s weird to me is that that feeling exists at all when in all cases i could NEVER trust them again. when i know for a fact that my back is not something they have. when, in fact, i know that if i did turn my back they would likely stick a knife in it.

why is it exactly that i can’t stop wondering if they’re well?

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regardless, this is my blog … MINE and no one gets to fuck that up for me, no one.

even if it did take me a while to get there.

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April 8, 2008

cupics

Filed under: bliss,blogging,cats,eye candy,life,men,outside,pics,travel,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 8:58 pm

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hey guys i got nothing… well i got lots of stuff and no time and frankly the posts are sort of gone when i get here… so i’ll post some pics.

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oh if you’re one of the people who knows about my angsty week last week? let it be known that the mess has been put to bed…

so to speak… not like the cat vomit i found on my sheets when i got home from seeing my sister…

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mmm cat vomit.

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i had the kind of week last week where i didn’t notice when my credit card information was scammed and mastercard called me up to tell me that they needed to cancel my credit card and would send me a new one.

i didn’t even notice when the thing got sent express post and i had to go get it at the post office. frankly that’s sort of reassuring really.

anyway i finally noticed when the

01/04/2008 02/04/2008 USD1,032.77@1.045500LOWES #00498* CLARKS
$1,079.76

appeared on the bill.

like what the fuck?

anyway it turns out that what happens is they notice the suspicious transaction and call you to confirm that you didn’t do it. then they cancel your card and send you a new one…

BUT the freaking charge still goes through.

so suddenly i was over my limit and going to the mechanic for ‘weirdness’

weirdness is NEVER cheap.

so suddenly i got it. someone can totally screw with your finances doing this shit and moreso i’m super impressed with mastercard’s prompt response. they were awesome. okay, except for not telling that the charge was gonna show up on my bill.

but, to apologize they raised my limit by twelve hundred dollars so i can’t complain. furthermore they’re ‘comfortable leaving it at that level’ which means my little business is doing even better than i think it is.

so, i had a very strange and fully angsty week with financial weirdness that turned out to be a bonus because after that charge comes off my bill i can buy a wunda chair! actually, the angsty weirdness was a bonus too because a LOT of things have been resolved.

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oh right, pics!

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sorry the lame gallery can’t count…

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laters!

March 16, 2008

this is me feeding my cats

Filed under: bitter pills,bliss,blogging,hockey,life,men,pics,random,surreal,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:48 am

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see that? how i went to the closet and got cat food and gave it to my cats? and see how they stopped yowling for food?

no?

well all right then.

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so the leafs have had another disappointing season. there are in fact nine games left so they have a decent chance of catching up from tweflth where they are currently sitting to ninth or so.

it’s weird how they’ve had terrible luck and the worst calls and are definitely not going to make the playoffs *again* and yet i’m still madly in love with them. i mean there are a few mitigating circumstances but geeze it’s not like they’re very good either.

by all rights i should be over this team. i should have stopped having a crush on mats sundin and i should definitely not be thinking that they’re playing better than their position in the scoring charts would indicate.

and yet… and yet i realize that i’m not really telling the truth. although they are better than where they are sitting in the standings? they still aren’t *good.*

i can tell the difference. i’ve seen what montreal has done with their young players and the magic word. what magic word? why teamwork of course.

that thing where they practice passing the puck again and again before they actually shoot. the thing where they play together.

god it’s pretty to watch.

please don’t tell anyone that i’m enjoying watching the habs play hockey okay? i mean i’m supposed to hate them they’re like hockey evil or something since i’m a leafs fan. and i am a leafs fan i am…

but i sure am glad my other conference team (calgary!) is playing better…

mmm iginla and kiprusoff… here comes the cup playoffs…

[don’t tell anyone but i think montreal is a major contendor this year]

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i just went to play a game of dress-up clue where i turned out to be the villain!

check out my awesome card:

clueme1.jpg

anyway it was a surprisingly good time and i confess that i was extra delighted to be the murderer!

plus?

i got called beautiful!

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i know it’s silly to love the nice things people say about me but well… go me! compliments like that really do make a body feel good.

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nayrb got a haircut and he looks all extra cute… pretty nice if you’re me also.

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incidentally?  nayrb fed the cats… thanks nayrb!

it’s interesting how little i have to complain about these days. most of the things in my life that had been causing me to complain (or blog)have been fixed.

i can actually afford shoes and i don’t hurt much anymore and i have a nice apartment and my business is finally doing better and then?  after all that falls into place?

i meet a nice man.

seems so impossible really to be living an angst free life.  impossible but fucking awesome!

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nayrb and i went to a crocodile farm in cuba and here we are molesting a child:

babycroc1.jpg

night kids!

February 26, 2008

swirls

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it’s all swirly in my head right now:

part of me wants to talk about my friend adam eating’s dog getting killed last week and how sad i am about that

part of me wants to talk about running off to cuba on my first vacation in five years with nayrb

chunks of me are most fascinated that i came back from cuba and like my boyfriend more… which like, really, i didn’t think was possible

some of me wants to wonder why some people can’t just let me go even though they chased me out the door

bits are wondering about posting a couple of cuba pictures… here’s one that nayrb took of me at a crocodile farm we visited, a lovely cuban man handed me this bird…:

parrot.jpg

whole divisions wish to crow about my facility in cuba because i speak italian a little.  one lady even asked me if i spoke spanish!  go me!  not to mention?  i learned some spanish!

some of me is pretty excited about being back in my life.  in fact i got a little bored toward the end there… but that’s as it should be

parts of me wonder how it’s possible that fidel castro stepped down when *i* was in cuba!  like what are the odds?

the eastern division has me thinking about my beloved leafs and their captain.  it’s interesting that he chose to stay but i think ultimately the right thing.  i mean really, was it worth it to the leafs to lose him?  not for me.  of course i know i have a crush on him but i’m also realistic and this is a guy with a lot to teach the kids that are coming

my heart wants to talk to my parents and my sister but they’re always in bed when i have free time…

nayrb went in the ocean for his first time ever… i’m glad i was there:

oceannayrb.jpg

my heart is very heavy for my friend lsd

my skin feels particularly happy and glowing at the moment.  i turned all italian while i was away and i love it. i wish i had a tan all year long…

yeah, so as you can see, i’m feeling a little discombobulated.  kind of can’t figure out which way is up and at the same time feeling a little disconnected from it all.

ah well, i’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts

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i am now addicted to vacations.  i’ve already chosen my next four weeks off… one of them is the week i just passed… but next year  :)

January 14, 2008

on blogging

Filed under: bliss,blogging,candida,driving,family,food,life,men,pilates,truth,work — sassinak @ 4:21 pm

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it’s interesting this blogging thing, it seems that we pay more attention to these virtual journals at some rate that is inverse to our current levels of contentedness. there isn’t much to say about being happy in your life. somehow … somehow you end up with very little news.

hi mom, how are you

i’m well, your father is well, you?

i’m great

how’s nayrb?

he’s great, how’s your art class…

how’s your pilates…

this is all very interesting stuff you know but well, you can only do it so many times. lately i feel like that’s how the conversations in my life are going. my work is going swimmingly, in fact i think i got a very nice gift of equipment today.

my teacher outgrew a storage unit and i offered to buy it from her… in return she told me to take it. this thing that is perfectly measured to our equipment as designed by her.

like i’m complaining.

but see that doesn’t make for particularly interesting *blogging.* in fact it’s a very nice life to be living but it leaves me with very little to say.

i got a raise at one of the places i work.

seriously what is there to talk about? my current levels of angst are mostly restricted to road rage and scrabble with my boyfriend.

well and paying for my vacation. i think i will do it but it’s closer than i would like since we turn out to be going on a more expensive week. nayrb might have to be in charge of the tipping when we get there. did i mention i’m really excited about my first vacation in five years?

oh like sixteen hundred times now? is that all? can’t i do sixteen hundred and one? please? i’m really excited???

seriously folks it makes for deadly dull writing.

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in other news, i’ve come to the conclusion that i have candida based on a whole pile of urinary tract infections and millions of yeast infections and some gnarly flavours in my mouth.

i’m not too thrilled about this candida idea at all, pretty much it explains some plaguing health concerns in a way that has me utterly convinced that i’m infested with that fucking stuff… so i’m on a diet. [neither of these are canonical references… if you think you may have candida please do your own research]

a diet that allows me to eat basically meat, vegetables, eggs, balkan yoghurt and legumes and not to spice it with soy or anything containing vinegar or anything that’s fermented… don’t forget no meat or yeast…

did you know hot sauce was made of vinegar? that soy sauce had wheat in it? that coffee wasn’t okay? damm them, not even the decaf.

i stare at bread like a starving victim, all puppydog eyes and longing glances.  i swear i’m worse than a teenaged nerd with a crush on the prom queen about yeast and flour bearing objects…

and to add insult to injury?  it’s been a week and i already feel better.

dammit.

i don’t mind the five pounds that i’ve dropped really i don’t, i just mind that the damn diet appears to be helping because it means that i have to stay on it.

ah well, least i’m cooking more at home… and i’ve made a deal with my favourite restaurant so life isn’t all bad…

but i want french fries!!!

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so yeah, that’s the sum total of angst in my life… please to be telling me what exactly i’m supposed to write about?

December 1, 2007

go read this

Filed under: blogging,life,random,socioanthropology,truth — sassinak @ 12:26 am

http://othercat.wordpress.com/2007/11/29/reluctant-warrior/

othercat wrote it and it’s awesome

and funny

and topical

November 21, 2007

i wonder

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how some people can smell so bad and yet seem never to notice.

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why i love the leafs so much when they’re sooo bad these days.

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what will happen to the planet when we’ve sucked all the oil out of it… and i don’t just mean with fuel. i just can’t imagine that nature made all that lube and stuck it down there for no reason… it just seems wrong somehow.

so, if you have no more lube between the rocks what happens when they try to slide?

seems to me the shakes will get bigger.

but i’m not a geologist, anyone else?

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why we think pumping water that sells for two dollars a litre into the ground to replace oil that sells (refined!) for one is good business practices.

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if i can sustain this 6:30 am client on wednesday mornings.

client that i love, that is my longest running client and the first one who ever paid me full price for an hour.

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when i became someone who cared about the state of her house.

although the answer seems to be ‘when she got a house worth caring about.’

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when i’m getting my next pedicure.

speaking of; here you go terry:

nat:

natpedi1.jpg

moi:

sasspediorl.jpg

nat’s toes:

nattoes.jpg

my toes

sasstoes.jpg

us

sassnnatalldone.jpg

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why folks would rather focus on their misery and pain than their happiness and freedoms.

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why some people take so much pleasure in hurting others.

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why the above two are so often the same person.

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why it’s often so much easer to hear the spitefulness hurled at you by those who dislike you than the kindness lavished upon you by your loved ones.

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why i had a weird dream about my car last night…

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and why i remembered it.

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why the posts i am often most proud of will regularly engender the fewest comments…

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why rainy grey days (IN MODERATION!) are so awesome…

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why i’m not currently napping…

September 19, 2007

blue glow

Filed under: blogging,fasting,hockey,internet,life,nerddom,random,seasonal,tv — sassinak @ 11:28 am

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so something very strange is happening.

first a little background, those of you who know me well know that i wrestle with a fairly serious television addiction. you also know that i’m winning because i have so much more to do in my day to day life and thus the tv has been fading.

then i moved into this place and i decided not to get cable.

and then i caved because i wanted to see what happened on gilmore girls at the end and i got cable to do it with. in fact it took less than a week without cable for me to cave. so then i have cable and i watch all my shows to the end of the season and i take a look at the summer season and i get set for reduced viewing.

and i don’t turn the thing on once. wait that’s a lie, i’ve used my playstation and i’ve watched a couple of movies. but television? nothing.

i also haven’t watched any of the several gigs of shows that i downloaded so i could catch myself up on them. okay one episode of oth but that’s it. it’s like my television addiction has disappeared!

of course that’s easy to say when the new television season is still several weeks away and there’s no hoopla about what’s happening on what show but really? i cannot seem to make myself care.

not a whit.

and then i wonder why i would want to MAKE myself care about a passive activity? so i’m in the mood to read and write and see more of my friends and climb and play with the internet? what’s wrong with that?

but house? whatever will happen to him if i don’t watch every week???

the horror!

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i started this post a while ago, like a few weeks ago before the new television season started and then i let it percolate.

perk

perk perk

perk perk perk

it still seemed to be true, i confess to a few pangs. i mean really now, what will the girls of grey’s anatomy do without me? how will house cope without his ducklings? and oh lord men in trees! gosh i love men in trees (actually i think i might tape those three and no more) and really, i must see what happens to them.

and yet? all the other things that were on my list? the shows i cared ever so much about? the ones i would call my friends and say “THE HORRORS! my vcr failed and i missed an EPISODE!! help MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

yeah, don’t care in the slightest.

just don’t.

and i don’t understand it.

i went over to miss valium’s (hrm can you call a princess miss?) house last night and we watched the pilot of ‘gossip girl’ and the finale of big brother 8 (which was also the first episode that i’d seen) and ate pizza and gossiped about life.

it was lovely.

and you know what? the damn show is excellent (gossip girl.) i mean i was really surprised by how much i enjoyed it and yet? i don’t care. i don’t care enough to devote twenty two of my hours over the next eight months to it. i just don’t.

if i’m bored and it’s on? i’ll watch it. otherwise? whatever.

i will tape the three things mentioned above and i will watch the pilot of bionic woman because really now, starbuck as the evil bionic woman? that’s awesome that is.

i will also watch the final season of battlestar galactica because come on, that show is amazing. but i don’t want to pick up any new shows, i want to watch my loved ones until they’re cancelled and then wave good-bye to my television addiction forever.

and i can’t help noticing how much i’ve changed. except it’s not really a change it’s more of a return.

i was the only person that i knew when i was in college that didn’t have a television. didn’t have and didn’t miss. in fact i didn’t start making appointments with my television until i moved to vancouver and a little show called ‘er’ caught my attention followed shortly thereafter by buffy the vampire slayer and la femme nikita.

god those were great.

anyway over the years the addiction has grown and finally, after my car accident, it grew some serious teeth. in fact? i think i was watching something like sixty hours of television a week at some point. heck i was watching a DAILY TALK SHOW!!!!

yeah i know.

anyway, it’s been waning over the years and seems finally to be back in the box so to speak. it’s so funny where life takes us, i never would have expected to watch sixty hours a week of television nor would i ever have believed that i might stop basically cold turkey.

but i have.

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sometimes you’re forced to read the writing on the wall… even after you’ve taken off your glasses and scrinched up your eyes.

sucks don’t it?

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oh yeah…

i get to go to a leafs game a leafs game a leafs game

i get to go to a leafs game

and i’m super happy about it!

:)

maybe even TWO!

September 16, 2007

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Filed under: beer,bliss,blogging,cars,dancing,facebook,family,life,random,truth — sassinak @ 1:04 am

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incidentally (god i love that word) i’m pretty drunk.

the kind of hammered where my fingers tried to type happered and then i managed to correct it.

i know that it’s wrong and all because aparently if you drink alone you’re a big old alcoholic but one of my favourite things has long been to spend an evening at home doing basically nothing and drinking a bunch of beer. i mean really now, tomorrow is my first actual day off in like… hmmm..

thinking

thinking

contemplating finding book and checking

yeah ever.

seriously, i work six days a week, if i count my schedule i work something like fifty or sixty hours a week but if i take out the hours i sit around waiting to work (and driving to work and …) it’s more like 35 and then i spend something like five thousand dollars a year on my education which involves a whole bunch of edumacation and suddenly i’m not ever taking any time off.

and then, a miracle happened. i started to work enough that i could quit my sunday class and have an actual day off!

clouds parted.

light shone down.

life improved.

but still, six days a week i work… week in and week out, christmas and august and all the weeks in between i work. and tomorrow? tomorrow i have the day off. the kind of day off where i have turned off the ringers and shut off the alarms and will turn off the computer and i can sleep until WHENEVER!

of course i’ll wake up at ten but still, i don’t HAVE TO!!!

*clears throat* somehow, along with this free sunday i managed to not schedule myself for a saturday night. i tried, i tried to get myself to go to the turning point party at the gladstone but i failed. i failed miserably.

instead i stayed home (after picking up my parents and dropping them at the airport so they can screw off to italy for the next eight months… those bastards, i’m going to miss them like crazy) and drank beer and watched a ridiculous movie.

i stayed home and i ate popcorn and hard boiled eggs and chocolate bonbons for dinner [not all at once!] and i drank beer and watched ‘the holiday’ which made me laugh and cry and shout at the tv and say ‘oh yeah!’ at least thrice and just generally wallow in my track pants and my giant old sweatshirt and thoroughly enjoy myself.

and you know? i totally get that it’s all like bad and stuff to sit at home by yourself and drink beer. i totally do. it’s like the first hallmark of an alcoholic. except (of course) that it’s the first drinking i’ve done in days and days.

and i know i should be all concerned that i love to sit at home alone and drink but you know what? i’m really not. i’m really not because i know what my issues are and beer isn’t one of them. beer is delicious but if you told me that i could never have another one?

i would be sad but i just wouldn’t care that much.

that being said, there is something so inexplicably enjoyable about being alone, at home, in your track pants, on your couch and watching a sappy/funny/cute/uplifting/true movie while drinking stupendous amounts of beer that i just can’t care that it’s supposed to be bad for me.

maybe if i did that more than once per season.

perhaps if i drank to excess daily or even weekly.

hell maybe even if someone that i cared about had ever once told me they were concerned… but no, i don’t care because you know what?

*insert silly happy dancing music here*

i have the day off tomorrow

day off tomorrow

day off tomorrow

i have the day off tomorrow

all the live long day!

*giggle*

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incidentally (hee!) i feel like blogging lately. first time in months i’ve actually been brimming over with ideas for posts to the blog.

how cool is that?

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no seriously, you can’t get just how hard it’s been to keep the blog going the last few months, there’s been like nothing at the well and suddenly?

suddenly i’m having ideas all over the place like i did when i first started it and i’m really happy about that because i was afraid that it was dying and i didn’t want to be yet another dark blog. i especially didn’t want to do that considering that there are a few people who find inspiration here.

i don’t know much but i do know that inspiring people is a damm good reason to do something.

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i don’t know if any of you give a crap at all about formula one or high end racing but holy crap mclaren.

mclaren mclaren mclaren… what the fuck were you thinking? it’s better to lose than to have high end car buyers think you’re a thief and that you can’t build a car of your own.

i mean of course they can’t, that kit thing never will work, it’s why honda and toyota [on the road, not so much on the formula one] and ferrari kick ass *grin* (and bmw is starting to build their cars from scratch again too… and really… why did mercedes ever get into bed with mclaren in the first place?) but wow… they’re going to lose so much more than a hundred million dollars… the good will alone…

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i read this on someone’s facebook and feel the need to pass it on:

7 Ancient Principles

1. The world is what you think it is
2. There are no limits
3. Energy flows where attention goes
4. Now is the moment of power
5. To love, is to be happy with
6. All power comes from within
7. Effectiveness is the measure of truth

how awesome is that?

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i have the day off tomorrow

off tomorrow

off tomorrow

i have the day off tomorrow

all the live long day

going to sleep all night

going to sleep half the day

i have the day off tomorrow

all the live long day!

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night!

May 16, 2007

boing

Filed under: blogging,dating,internet,life,men,random — sassinak @ 9:39 am

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i think my blog is kind of starting to suck. maybe not suck exactly but i’ve been looking at my recent posts and very few of them are thought provoking the way they once were. i think there’s something about blogs whether adult, regular or niche that causes any blogger to start out like gangbusters and then sort of fade out.

does it mean that they stop writing in their blogs? not always.

it just means that most of us have been saving up a lot of thoughts over the years so at first it’s easy to come up with fresh and new things to talk about. cut to two years later and it becomes significantly more difficult.

i’ve actually said things like “wait didn’t i write this post already?” and sometimes i really did.

especially the hillside ones *snerk*

i suppose one could argue that my perspective is evolving constantly but that feels a little bit like a copout.

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and i got a freaking parking ticket :(

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man sometimes i REALLY wish i didn’t have a ‘no deleting posted blog entries’ rule…

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incidentally? i realise i’m totally full of it when i say i would dump my blog if i had a man. it’s more that i probably never would have started one.

would it change? yes absolutely, it would have to… but y’all are stuck with me now.

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so, what does a stale blogger do when there aren’t any new memes floating around the blogverse?

and yes it’s clear that i’m stale, the posting frequency over there in the margin is obvious.

so, no new memes, no pics to post that othercat hasn’t posted already… go see them… okay i’ll post one…

harriet n’ grendel with audience

actually come to think of it i have a camera full of shots to upload… okay pics coming soon…

the good news is that in the writing of this post i thought of a couple more. in fact lately i’ve been discussing dating with a few different men my age and you want to know something freaky? they’re just as messed up as i am!!! so that post is coming and i wrote one the other day that’s depressing so i wanted to wait until i’d posted something cheerier first.

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i have a coffee date… you may now all act like teenagers

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one tree hill got renewed, watch me act like a teenager ;>

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i’m going to get my BICYCLE!!!!

yes, after five freaking years i’m finally going to ride bikes again…

i can’t tell you how stoked i am!

[edited to add: i haven’t been able to ride because i’ve been recovering from my sixth or something whiplash incident and my shoulders couldn’t take the weight of myself using handlebars]

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*grin*

happy wednesday!

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