snapshots of an idle mind

September 12, 2008



so i have some news that will not please some of you; nayrb and i decided a while ago to call it quits.

we were… not treating each other as well as we might have and all the talking in the world wasn’t making it better.  worse maybe since i think the talking was irritating us rather than doing any good.

basically we got steadily less nice to each other.  i got impatient and frustrated and he got kinda needy and we just kept pushing buttons and not really treating each other with kindness.

i’ve been kind of in shock really.

it’s not so much that we believed that we would *never* break up but that we had this deep affection for each other over and above the usual new toy neurological imperatives.  we expected that we would be able to deal with whatever the universe chose to throw at us, that we would at least be together for a few years.

and then it just started to go bad and it didn’t get better.


look a picture of me!  in my studio!  in my living room! on the phone!

me n' my studio...

me n' my studio...

isn’t it purty?


weirder even than being single again?



look harriet!




mouse with the same ball!

my ball!

my ball!


there, see how i distract you with pictures?

really though, he and i are both okay and i’m pretty sure we both think this is for the best.  we remain friendly and are in fact considering throwing a ‘sass n’nayrb split up – bring someone suitable’ party but we’re not sure everyone else would appreciate the humor involved.

still considering it though.


i think maybe the things we saw as problems the very first week might have had a lot to do with it, hard to say though.


in other news; i’m thinking of leaving my band.

there is a person in it who continues to make me uncomfortable in a pretty shitty way some two or three times a year.  and i know it’s her problem and not mine i *really really* do but that doesn’t mean i particularly want her negativity in my life any longer.

it’s desperately difficult for me to imagine not hitting my drum and singing at the top of my lungs every thursday night but aren’t these things supposed to make you happy!???!

truly i love the band and i regret regularly that i ever mentioned it in her presence.  i think i knew from the first that it would come to this but i don’t know how else to handle it.

i love the guys in that band i really do; they are some of the most amazing people that i have in my life and their bickering and interaction and just general good-natured fun with each other never cease to amuse me [except for the occasional moments when i want to kill them of course.]

either way, after her latest insult i will have to stay away for a little while for fear that i will say what i think.  she is a rather fragile human and most of her issue with me seems to stem from lack of self-confidence so really, anything i say will only serve to make it worse.

frankly i wish i could tell her to take her crap and fuck off.  but i can’t… the guys adore us both.

dammit! dammit! dammit!


doesn’t harriet look hilarious with that ball and the sun?


happy weekend!


February 26, 2008



it’s all swirly in my head right now:

part of me wants to talk about my friend adam eating’s dog getting killed last week and how sad i am about that

part of me wants to talk about running off to cuba on my first vacation in five years with nayrb

chunks of me are most fascinated that i came back from cuba and like my boyfriend more… which like, really, i didn’t think was possible

some of me wants to wonder why some people can’t just let me go even though they chased me out the door

bits are wondering about posting a couple of cuba pictures… here’s one that nayrb took of me at a crocodile farm we visited, a lovely cuban man handed me this bird…:


whole divisions wish to crow about my facility in cuba because i speak italian a little.  one lady even asked me if i spoke spanish!  go me!  not to mention?  i learned some spanish!

some of me is pretty excited about being back in my life.  in fact i got a little bored toward the end there… but that’s as it should be

parts of me wonder how it’s possible that fidel castro stepped down when *i* was in cuba!  like what are the odds?

the eastern division has me thinking about my beloved leafs and their captain.  it’s interesting that he chose to stay but i think ultimately the right thing.  i mean really, was it worth it to the leafs to lose him?  not for me.  of course i know i have a crush on him but i’m also realistic and this is a guy with a lot to teach the kids that are coming

my heart wants to talk to my parents and my sister but they’re always in bed when i have free time…

nayrb went in the ocean for his first time ever… i’m glad i was there:


my heart is very heavy for my friend lsd

my skin feels particularly happy and glowing at the moment.  i turned all italian while i was away and i love it. i wish i had a tan all year long…

yeah, so as you can see, i’m feeling a little discombobulated.  kind of can’t figure out which way is up and at the same time feeling a little disconnected from it all.

ah well, i’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts


i am now addicted to vacations.  i’ve already chosen my next four weeks off… one of them is the week i just passed… but next year  :)

December 18, 2007



i am the luckiest girl in the world.

no really i am.

not only do i have a lovely new boyfriend and much loved family and friends that love me but i have a job that i utterly treasure. i have the kind of job where i wake up cranky because my alarm went off and within five minutes of starting work i’m smiling and by the end of the day i’m fully excited about every second of it.

sure i’m happy when the day is over, who isn’t? even donald trump is likely glad when he finishes his day and that man loves to work a ridiculous amount. i’m also happy when i have days off or an unexpected free evening.

heck, the idea of seven days off in a row is enough to make me soak my chair, but that’s not the point. the point is that i have a job that charges me, excites me, challenges me and rewards me just in the doing of it.

along the way i’ve started to make at least a decent living and all signs point to that living firmly falling into the nice category by next year sometime. i mean i’ve almost paid off my credit card even!

i might even be able to buy a chair!

you know, what everyone does when they run out of debt, incur more!

anyway, my life is rocking along and years of really hard work are coming to fruition. i’m planning a vacation in february and to attend some conferences next year and i’m not worrying about how to pay for them.

they told me it would take five years and i’ve finished three or four depending on how you count so i’m even ahead of the game. maybe soon i can put serious money aside and buy a place.

this is already a great place to be right?

and then along comes christmas. along comes christmas and i get nine days off out of eleven or a five day weekend followed two days later by a four day weekend and then a three day week to boot.

i get a new client who buys a ten pack on his first day… and he’s awesome and it’s going to be so fun with him.

three of my clients in the same week come due for packs of ten classes and suddenly i practically have my rent for february paid… and i’m finished my christmas shopping already except for my annual splurge at the liquor store for hostess gift wine and prosecco and hosting libations.

and then?

i know, i’m already feeling incredibly blessed when my aunt hands me down her two year old computer… with a flat screen monitor to boot… [my desktop blew up in november]

yeah and then?

my clients, who i love and who keep me in brunches at maggie’s and finally new clothes? (did i mention i finally got those shoes?)

those clients? the ones who write me cheques and invite me to christmas parties at a chocolate factory?

they start handing me christmas presents.

i know… it makes me want to cry i’m so touched…

my tuesday night class as a group got me a gift… i mean wow.

i’m so moved.

i carried in three presents from two hours of work today… i mean… wow.

like wow.

i just feel really lucky right now and i thought you all should know.

also? yes the chocolate is as good as it looks, i recommend the fleur de sel caramels, the brownies and the gingerbread caramel squares thingies….

peace and love and luck like my current streak go out to all of you, even the ones who have never commented but read this… all of you, even the people who think i’m evil… all of you.

may the season bring joy and laughter and a few tears… but the good kind and kisses and hugs and chocolate and sweet nothings and food you love and small indulgences…

happy solstice and christmas and eid and chanukah.. at least one of which i spelled wrong…

thanks universe.

November 28, 2007

may you live in…

Filed under: bliss,dating,exercise,hockey,life,men,pilates,responsibility,surreal,work — sassinak @ 8:23 pm


life is funny, last week i worked fifteen hours and this week i’m working 26 and next week too. (i need to work 20 specifically teaching which does not include travel and down time between clients… my scheduled work week is from 3 on monday to 2 on saturday and i work most evenings and every morning early.)

it was great, i got wednesday evening and friday afternoon/evening off!

anyway i’m hoping to get to a state where i work 25 hours a week and don’t have to work late into the evening on the same morning as i start at 6:30am.

more than that i’m hoping to take a vacation in february. first one since i went to new york with my sister just before tr and i split up. wow.

an actual vacation.

what the heck are the odds?

interestingly my friend the rolfer told me it would take five years to get to the point where i had a waiting list, and i’m at three and a half years since i finished my certification and four since i taught my first lesson (hi othercat!)

she was right too because i’m just about at that waiting list point but not quite because i’m still trying too much to find some savings. i think i might need to spend less on my education if i want to do that but that’s hard to countenance.

that said, 20 hours a week is a nice life and a consistent 25 is savings… go schedule!


i’m now wandering toward the three month mark with nayrb which is an interesting time as well. it’s that point where you start to really look at the person you’re dating and see them more clearly.

you notice the little behaviours which are equally endearing and annoying depending entirely on your mood at the time. you see the edges and the funny habits and the attitudes you may or may not like.

you see where communication is full and where it breaks down and, if you’re me, you start to think. you notice what it’s like when you’re quiet together and when you’re both cranky and you wonder how that will work when you know each other better.

but most fun of all you start to believe just a little.

you start to think that maybe this might be someone that you could have around for a while. in fact you begin to grow accustomed to their presence in your life and their voice in your ear before you sleep at night.

you learn the sound of breath and the cadence of speech and the little private jokes and you start to feel that you are actually connecting deeply to another human being.

and it’s fun.


oh god the leafs are so bad.

i love the leafs i really do but i might pretend that this year is a hockey strike.

the boys aren’t playing and i just wish that someone would light a fire under their asses.

someone? anyone?


my lovely client B has decided to watch this year for the soap opera surrounding the leafs rather than for the team itself.

this strikes me as a great plan.



i really really really love my job.

it’s the best job ever.


hillside inside!

one day only on february second the magic of hillside comes to the sleeman centre in guelph…

AND???? xavier rudd is playing!!!


if you’ll excuse me, i have to go meet a beautiful man for dinner…

October 31, 2007

off to see the wizard

Filed under: bliss,dating,life,men,pilates,socioanthropology,surreal,Uncategorized,work — sassinak @ 10:19 pm


oh my god i’m going to orlando in the morning!

at 4:07 in the morning to be specific.

yes indeedy, at four oh seven in the eh em i will be standing at a bus stop wiping the sleep from my eyes and staring in wonder at the beautiful man choosing to take the bus to the airport with me.

personally, i think he’s nuts; airports suck.

then, as always, i will have to wander through the check-in and the ‘security check’ and then go and sit for two hours and wait for my plane. i will not, of course, sleep while i wait for fear of missing the plane.

there is something so time warplike about traveling by air. i always wonder if i will land on the same planet that i left or if i will appear magically in an alternate version of this universe or time.

there is, nonetheless, a ritual all tied up with flying. i have routines…

i get to the airport to the minute or earlier of the many extra hours suggested to me and stare in stunned stupefaction around the cavernous not-so-welcoming space until i find the hidden counter that allows me to check-in. the airline is irrelevant, this is always difficult.

eventually, i will find it and stand around semi-patiently while looking half asleep. at some point i’ll get to check in and realize that i’ve forgotten something. i can never figure out what in advance but as long as it isn’t my passport or wallet i don’t give a shit.

then, of course, there is the dubious pleasure of american security. yeah. they stare into my bag and i start to wonder if i’m secretly a terrorist. i mean do i really need a stainless steel water bottle to survive four days of talking to and learning from my fellow pilates instructors? can’t i survive with the available water and those piddly assed glasses they’ll provide?


and how about those lip glosses you’re checking? do you really need THREE of them?

seriously how do they make me, the most innocent of travelers, feel so much like i’m doing something wrong?

now, if it WEREN’T five am i would then enter the hallowed secured areas of the airport and wander off to the nearest bookstore, there to dissolve my sorrows in aimless wandering through the shelves. i have a deal, i can buy any book i want at the airport to a maximum of three per travel day, preferably no more than two.

i mean i have to get SOMEthing out of all the torture right?

after books i would head for some sort of food, but again, that will be closed and will have to wait until i land in memphis there to enjoy an hour layover. a lovely hour filled with OPEN bookstores and food. yeah baby.

i love airport book shopping, it’s really inexplicable.


to the young man who asked me where to find women like me.

who raved about how i was his dream woman (only far too old) and couldn’t exist.

to the older gentleman who doesn’t believe that women like me are real.

to all of you wondering where to find a lady who likes cars and hockey and video games and doesn’t care what she looks like when she’s camping?

try looking beside you.

she’s the girl who is happy to hang out with six guys and doesn’t check her mascara.

she’s the girl you ask for advice about the girls who can’t be arsed to talk to you.

just so you know.


oh my god i’m going somewhere warm for four nights and most of five days!

i get to meet nat!

there will be SWIMMING!

and communing with my fellow instructors!

and cool shit to learn!


but right now?

there’s a shower and three hours of sleep…

see ya monday kids.


you know, assuming i don’t land in an alternate universe…

October 22, 2007


Filed under: dating,friendship,life,men,outside,pics,singlehood — sassinak @ 12:46 am


it’s funny you know. it’s been a really long time since i dated anyone with any level of seriousness. since i *liked* the person i was dating.


anyway, tr and i split up four years ago now, four years and a lifetime ago in fact. i’m so different from that girl that i find her hard to recognize. so fragile and broken and hating the fat coating her slowly returning body.

fragile in her soul more than anything and in desperate need of the healing that would come with three years of celibacy and a tiny basement apartment. an apartment so small that it fits in my current living room.

an apartment that was, in many ways, a cocoon.

a place to rebuild and create anew and rediscover and learn about my self while i built a career and a life that would sustain me through wherever the next part of my journey would take me.

several times in that period i bemoaned my lack of interesting dating potential and the years without sex but you know? in retrospect i needed every single one of those days.

i needed to find my self.

and i did.

and then i moved here. i moved to this beautiful light filled space in the middle of a ravine that my clients and my cats and my soul all love and my life started to take off.

my business took itself to the next level in large part because it had a place to grow and be nurtured and now it’s sitting and gestating and getting itself ready for the next step.

that one is a doozy let me tell you. opening a studio makes me blanch with fear a little but i can see that it’s coming.

the people in my life that didn’t like me or were filled with negativity have all taken themselves away in rather spectacular fashion. most of them felt the need to attack me on the way out the door but i’ve had to realize that those attacks were not necessarily about me at all… but more about their own disappointments and lacks.

somehow i became the representation of all things bad in some people’s existences and well, i guess i can’t be sad that they’re gone.

it’s funny though, because in all cases i am sad and i do miss them. it’s weird to miss people that hate you but there it is. it’s interesting to me that every one of those people picked public forums to hit me with… i don’t understand how those sorts of things don’t happen in person.

but then, i wouldn’t.

furthermore i made some decisions.

i decided that it was time to stop complaining about my dateless status and go out there and do something about it. i was going to go on those great sounding adventures at meet market adventures and try speed dating and email at least one man on okcupid per week.

i was going to do it up good.

and in the meantime i emailed a man (on okcupid) about a cat. specifically the kittens a friend of mine is trying to find a home for (cute black ones, any takers?) that his profile suggested he was in search of as a companion to his current cat.

and he asked me out for brunch, and scrabble… which we played to a tie.

seriously, who plays scrabble to a tie?

and yeah…

that was a little over a month ago and we’ve sort of been dating like constantly since then… and i like him.

and so do my friends and the members of my family that have met him. and his friends and family? like me.

it’s kind of strange.

anyway it’s a really odd adjustment for me. i know that people who haven’t had dates in a while will both make fun of me and sympathize with this but seriously, it’s really weird.

there is a man in my life that i like. that likes me. that my cats like, whose cat likes me.

there is a man in my life that has favourite expressions of mine, whose sense of humour i am learning to predict, who can call my behaviour in certain situations and that my friends want to hang out with.

a man who can make shoe shopping fun.

yes really.

a man that i tend to speak with before i sleep and who is slowly fitting himself into my life in this seamless sort of way and it’s WEIRD!

i am NOT complaining okay?

in fact i really really really like it (and him) but it’s been a very long time since i had to fit my life into someone else’s at all. since there was someone i called just because i wanted to hear their voice.

that there was someone i missed.

it’s disconcerting and yet wonderful all at once.

okay nat here you go:


no, i have no idea why i’m making that face…


in the kitchen at his family cottage. my sister came up for brunch with us… god that was awesome. otherwise i wouldn’t have seen her until christmas!

and just one of the scenery:


October 2, 2007

head shakings


to the ten percent of you that don’t fit into this post?  you know who you are.


as some of you know i had a date or two with a man who drives a ferrari a while back. the particularly attention paying public may also have realized that he started an investment bank.

normally i wouldn’t be so specific but he did link the bank in the relevant post’s comment section.

anyway the man himself, though beautiful and funny, is not the point of this post. the reactions he engendered in the people around me are.

it was amazing. i mean amazing what people were saying about this man solely because he appeared to have money in the bank.

after ONE date with him that lasted a little over an hour (i had prior plans afterward) and was in fact ridiculously fun, i was telling some people about him (cause yeah, i don’t meet many men i like… er didn’t, lately they seem to be coming out of the woodwork) and i got reactions that stunned me.

things like

.you got a hot investment banker? you bitch!

uh dude? one date.

.you would hate the investment banker lifestyle.

um we know what that is?

.oh nice he’s rich!

how do we know this?

.he’s playing you.

for what exactly?



i was literally flummoxed. no one (except flower who met him and thought he was awesome) asked me if he was nice (yes) funny (yes) cute (check) hot (check) tall (mm-hmm) polite (yup) smart (seems like) or anything like that.

no one cared what he was like at all. it was all about the money or the lifestyle… and i so didn’t get it.

cut to the second date.

you know, the one with the ferrari and the driving. oh right, i may not have told y’all that it was a date. it was assumed by a few folks but i was playing my cards close to my chest since i liked him.

anyway we go on a date, i drive a ferrari and i dance around for like weeks about getting to drive the ferrari and i’m even more stunned that i like the guy more than the fucking car.

and of course since i drove a FERRARI i told everyone i know about getting to drive it which caused many questions about the owner.

but not the questions you might expect, once i admitted that said lovely driving experience had happened on an actual date it went like this:

.he’s rich? marry him!


.why aren’t you travelling with him?

uh TWO DATES!??!?

.what are you going to do about his lifestyle if you have kids with him?

uh TWO DATES!??????????????????????????????!

.oh those rich guys, they always go back to their own kind.

fuck you, are you calling me cheap and low class?

.just get him to buy you a new computer (mine died)


.oh those rich guys, they love bohemian artsy chicks like you…

um what?

but do you see what didn’t happen? no one asked me what he was like, if he was respectful, if i liked him, if he made me laugh, if i wanted to jump him, if he tried to jump me… nothing.

it’s all about the money.

i’m stunned i have to say, and amazed that celebrities and the really rich ever date at all. i guess it’s no wonder that the celebrities and rock stars and supermodels and sports heroes tend to date within their own circles somewhat.

i mean how on earth would you know that someone liked you for you? any little innocent comment would set your spidey senses tingling and really, how would you ever be sure?

so what are people in those kinds of tax brackets left with?


matchmaking websites

high school sweethearts

dating in their own field or one nearby…

hrm… that’s about it.

i mean i don’t give a SHIT how much money you make so long as you can afford to live a decent lifestyle with some traveling and some eating out and some living well.

if you can afford your life? to buy me dinner on occasion? to live your dreams? to participate in mine? that’s all i really want from you.

and even i found myself having little imaginary scenarios where i got to play with the ferrari at the race track too… imagine if you were the kind of person who really cared about money…

you would do everything in your power to snag a guy like that.

how is he supposed to tell the difference between interest and dollar signs?

*shaking head* really stunned i have to say. i have so much more sympathy for celebrity love nuclearisms now…

August 21, 2007

washing off

Filed under: bliss,dancing,dating,festivals,life,men,singlehood,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:14 pm


there is something about the shower at the end of a folk festival that is particularly fantastic. it’s almost like the festival enfolds you in different layers and you get to relive a weekend’s worth of experience in twenty minutes. thirty if you’re feeling decadent.

there is, of course, the moment you step into the shower and admire the rather gross black gunk that streams off your feet at the first touch of anything not covered in dust. okay this particular kind of dust is unique to owen sound… please consider this the summerfolk shower rather than the hillside one. *hee*

okay so the steam hits your hair and campfire smoke rises off it and you slowly step into the water and just feel the dust and the campfire coming off you in waves. the water is running black and you start to feel clean for the first time in three or four days and you hear music in your head. beautiful music that is always the medley of the best things you heard and this medley always accompanies a mental melange of the very nicest parts of the weekend in some surreal and perfectly edited video.

somehow this ritual shower is the time your brain puts the festival away into it’s various drawers. some drawers are opened often and some just once and some go into your regular memory and stay there as long as they can.

i had a particularly excellent festival last weekend that goes into that little space in my life where the truly priceless experiences go(i went onstage for the finale!) finally i know enough people that it’s actually fun to just bounce around to all my festival friends [defined as people you see annually for a weekend but are delighted to see EVERY time] and i met some really beautiful people to add to that already wonderful collection. (dudes have NO idea how many tries it took me to do the ful in wonderful. finally went climbing again after an injury break month off and the fingers no worky.)

but more than that i got… i got something i needed even more. something that will stay long after the campfire smell is really out of my hair (it isn’t) and the music is only on cds again. oh man if i could have a recording of that version of who do you love those crazy assholes did on sunday afternoon in the battle of the mixed up bands? i’d listen to it a LOT.

something that will save me a little bit.

i met a man this weekend. not the kind i can take home and introduce to my parents… er that’s not right because he’s totally that kind but not for me (sob!) since he’s already met his in-laws and i’m not related to them. so, i met this married guy who somehow gave me something i didn’t know i needed until i heard it. and i didn’t hear it until at least ten minutes after he said it.

i don’t know if i’ve told you guys about festival buddies. these are people that are rarely the same twice and are never who you expect to hang with on your way TO the festival. these are people that make your life better and share conversation and best friendship with you for the few days you know them.

some of them hit you harder than others.

nearly always they change you in a small but meaningful way and nearly always there are regretful hugs and repeated good byes and promises to hang out again. in this particular case i believe we would be festival buddies at any festival we were at AND that i will like his wife as much as he.

this one gave me a humdinger.

being thirty six and single i’ve had a lot of people presume to tell me what i’m doing wrong and right and what i should and shouldn’t do if i actually want to have a family. i’ve been told to change my personality and to lower my standards (which is ridiculous since NOBODY ASKS ME OUT!) and not to be so open and to basically make myself less. i’m intimidatingly self-sufficient says the FIREMAN! (i know it’s fire fighter but he’s a guy) i’m too challenging and difficult and and and and and!

and i keep saying ‘but wait… what the fuck?’ isn’t being yourself and loving yourself and being the best you you can be the most important thing you can do if you want to make a functional relationship? don’t you have to be happy and fulfilled within yourself so you can get out of your own way?

why am i supposed to make myself less while everyone else goes out there and finds their ‘best self?’

and this man? this beautiful, off the market, smart as anything, funny, considerate (i know, i don’t believe it either) man that i spent the weekend being best friends with? this guy i would cheerfully introduce to my parents and expect them to love? this person who gets me the way you need to get me if you want to make a go of it with me? this guy who laughs at the things i say that shock most other folks?

do you know what he says in the five seconds before he hugs me good bye?

he says “stay just the way you are especially the sarcasm, don’t change anything”

how did he even know i needed him to say that?

where did he come from that he knew i needed to hear that because it was starting to get really hard to have any faith? i can’t decide if the universe was being cruel or kind this time, i don’t meet many men that get me and lately all of them are previously claimed so it’s always a little sad to meet another one that’s just the same but at the same time?

it had to be a guy at that level saying that or i wouldn’t have HEARD it.

it had to be someone i wanted or i wouldn’t have listened. it had to be someone *i* get that way who finds me just as delicious or i wouldn’t have let it be said. it had to be just that combination of perfectly impossible.

how did he know how badly i needed to hear that to help myself wash off all the bullshit?


oh and john? you want to check out nathan rogers and dala and chucky danger from this weekend and that 1 guy and mother mother from hillside

August 3, 2007


Filed under: bliss,dating,fasting,food,life,men,socioanthropology — sassinak @ 12:03 pm


i have a beef.


okay first the old business… final post fast week later weight: 175-178 depending on morning ablutions. [i ate a bit much at hillside, that should be more 173-175 but whatev]

hillside was awesome but other than telling you that mother mother, that 1 guy, and martin sexton are fucking amazing? i don’t have much to say. i’ve been and written enough times now that i don’t feel there’s a lot to discuss. i went, it was awesome, there was bliss, i can’t wait for next year!


there’s this thing that men my age seem to love to do. well maybe not my age but that’s the only age group i have any real access to in this sort of situation.

i have, of course, no proof but i am starting to recognize a behaviour that i’ve seen more than once so i’m starting to believe it’s real.

so you meet them and you hang out and you chat and everything seems to be going swimmingly. there’s laughing and some nerves and sometimes shoulder or arm touching and generally all signs point to YES!! and nothing happens.

wait what? right, nothing happens.

so i start to wonder and think that maybe it’s me. that maybe i’m actually a terrible person or a person that no one would actually want to date or that getting to know me cures you of any desire whatsoever to know me better. i start looking at my hips and thinking ‘geeze maybe they’re too fat’ and i start looking at my personality like this “hmmm maybe i’m actually hard to talk to or not really funny or my nervous laughter is off-putting or or or”

and then you know what i keep finding out?

the fuckers are MARRIED! every one of them where i’ve managed to actually get any information? yup, woman at home.

and i ask you seriously what the fuck are these men doing flirting with single women? no wait, that’s not it… i wouldn’t want anyone to think that i don’t think flirting is fun because i *really* do but well, as an example, my sister… within TEN minutes of meeting ANY man she thinks might be into her? mentions her fiance (husband soon!)

it takes her ten minutes and that’s it.

she doesn’t flirt with me for an hour or two and act all interested and touchy feely and then disappear.

she doesn’t act like i’m fascinating and demand hugs from me and then look embarassed when someone asks about her man at home that she’s been failing to mention.

she doesn’t, in short, use courting behaviour at ALL because she’s not actually available to do that and you know? i REALLY want to know where these assholes get off doing this. don’t they know how hard it is to be a single woman ‘of a certain age?’

you get your hopes up a little. you think ‘hey maybe i’ll get asked on an actual date for a change’ and you well… take a different kind of breath because it’s nice when you meet someone who gets your sizzle sparkin’… and you know it would still be wicked fun to flirt with them but really now, just how hard is it to let me know you can’t do anything about it?

not hard at all in my experience. when i’m coupled up the words ‘my boyfriend/lover/husband’ just trip off my tongue. they flow. they have heft and weight and some secret satisfaction that goes with saying them. and, at least in front of me, it’s also dead easy for the MEN that i know who are in relationships that please them… course there may be an element of ‘in front of the wife’s friends’ to it but who can say right?



i can’t take it anymore… please don’t ACT like you mean it when you’re just out for some casual fun… and if all you want is a shag? ask for THAT don’t act like i’m the woman of your dreams because… to quote the guy who wrote the game? [neil strauss]

“women like sex as much as, if not more than, men; they just don’t want to be pressured, lied to, or made to feel like a slut.”

sing it neil!

July 11, 2007

la la lalalala la la la lala

Filed under: anxiety,bliss,dancing,dating,driving,family,food,life,men — sassinak @ 3:56 pm


that’s the smurfs theme by the way, in case anyone wants to sing along at home.


so, we went, we got lost, we bought a cadillac.

a mint green, stainless steel and wood cadillac to be exact. a beautiful, happy in it’s new home since it’s getting used at last machine that will serve my clients and i well for years to come.

a cadillac that we dragged up elevator and down, through customs and washington [trust me, washington was harder to navigate] and made mine with a touch of my father’s blood while we put it back together in my living room.

a cadillac that my cats have appropriated instantly such that any photos of it that i take have a mouse or a harriet on them. speaking of mouse and harriet…


how cute are they? yes that’s my reformer’s edge beside them and yes this is very early in the moving in process…

anyway, life seems to be moving along pretty well here at casa sass.

beautiful men (and i don’t mean looks but some of them are also hot) are appearing in my life in the funniest ways, they walk into my class or smile at me at the climbing gym (and i miss it of course) or i catch them staring when i’m walking down the street and so on.

it seems that some recent events in my life, which effectively involved removing a millstone from around my neck, have allowed my ‘inner glow’ to reappear.

the kind of inner glow that has total strangers, women not trying to pick me up, stopping me in the street to compliment my dress and my beautiful hourglass figure.

the kind that has every man in a room staring at me when i enter it.

the kind that has my clients saying ‘you look like a shadow has lifted from your face somehow. and no, it isn’t just the tan, i’ve had that for weeks.

i feel like i’m dancing on a cloud every single day and with the miniscule exception of some unhappy people attacking me because they’ve decided that i’m attacking them? (which i wasn’t) my life rocks!

it rocks!

i’m teaching enough to eat and pay off my credit card at last. the credit card that has sat, at it’s limit, for the last four years. the credit card which, when paid off, may allow me to max it out again in exchange for a trip to see my parents!

an actual trip to ITALY!! woo hoo!

are you getting this? that means i might get, four years since i started my business, i might get a VACATION!

more than three and a half days off in a ROW! [which i get about five times a year all together… and that counts the two day weekends too]

oh god, i think i might have to just die of happiness right now.

yes yes, i know i’m counting my chickens before they hatch. i know i have a trip to orlando to pay for in november that might preclude actual italian food on new year’s eve and i still don’t care you know why?

i’m finally working ENOUGH!

man… i didn’t know how much weight i was carrying around until that anchor fell off my neck and shattered on the road behind me.

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