snapshots of an idle mind

January 21, 2009

sweet sadness

Filed under: anxiety,bitter pills,bliss,cars,driving,engines,grief,life,random,surreal — sassinak @ 3:17 pm

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well, it’s official, i have a new car.

okay not entirely official as i don’t take delivery until this afternoon but you know what i mean.  it’s paid for (with some help) and the plates are off my old car and sitting in the windshield/back window.

i may have driven my old honda for the last time and i’m abjectly sad about it.

i understand that i will love my new car just as much and that i will be just as broken hearted when my mechanic says “it’s time, your car is dead” but that isn’t any consolation to me now.

there are a few reasons i’m unhappy about this transition, not the least of which is that i expected to get another five years about of my perfectly tuned, corners like a bmw, gets phenomenal mileage accord.  expected in vain because the body rotted out from under me with very little warning.

in fact i’m a little bit pissed off at my mechanic for not making me understand what was happening.  why was i fixing a rotten car?  why wasn’t i made to understand 3-5 years ago that i needed to spend some money on the body?

how was this a SURPRISE?

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there is something so *wrong* about throwing out something so perfectly tuned.  i know the body is rotten but the engine has another 200,000km in it EASY.

ah well, i think i found a guy who is going to find a solid body and use my parts to build a car… so at least he’s getting something out of it.

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so here i am all broken hearted right?

all sad about the passing of this beautiful machine…

and yet?

and yet there’s a little joy here.

i’m getting my very first NEW car!

not new to me, NEW.

as in no one but me has ever driven it (okay, on and off the truck and the broker is driving it to my house but you know what i’m saying) and i have to break in the engine.

as in i get to be the only person who cares for this car and i will know implicitly every bolt that gets changed and fluid that gets dirty and if it dies it will be entirely my responsibility.

it will be *mine* from the day it got sold until the day i sell it or my mechanic looks at me mournfully and says “it’s time, get a new car.”

and that’s cool right?

i should be excited to own my very first new car and i am… i mean i’m totally stoked and i am fully aware that i will fall madly in love with it in time… it’s just i’m having a hard time getting past the senseless waste of it’s predecessor.

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oh you wanna know what i got?

2008.5 mazda 3 sedan, five speed with no air… cause i like don’t like the air and the power anything…

i do like the ipod plug though… kind of an improvement over the tape deck

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in other news, what is with these idiots who get high performance cars in an automatic?

or worse, with a manual transmission and NO IDEA how to WORK IT???

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only thing worse?

porsche sport utility vehicle…

i mean really, isn’t that an oxymoron?

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oh wow oh wow oh wow

my car is almost here and the plates are off my accord…

god i’m sad for my accord.

man i’m excited about my very first new car…

wow wow wow.

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and for those of you who know how much i love old things?

yes, i really did basically buy the new car version of the old car i’m throwing out….

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anyone wanna buy a really good engine?

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June 15, 2008

all right all right

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:)

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i promised myself that if anyone noticed that this blog had died i would write in it again.

i was thinking commenters but it turns out that the people who read this aren’t strangers from the world wide interweeb but friends and family that i don’t speak to that often.

so.

those seem like the kind of people worth writing for.

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it got really hard to write here after several people at once attacked me and some of those same people used posts that had NOTHING to do with them to somehow “prove” my evilness.

not so easy to put yourself out there when you know the water balloon filled with piss is waiting to land on your head.

that said, this month (two?) off has given me somewhat of a perspective shift on that. i can’t go around living my life for the people who hate me any more than i can go around living my life for the ones who love me. life has to be lived for yourself even if it means choosing to make sacrifices for loved ones.

no, those really aren’t the same thing.

i also can’t go around being afraid of what people who already hate me are going to say when i talk… i mean really now, how is that healthy?

it’s funny because someone wise once said that twenty five percent of people will love you, fifty percent will be indifferent and the other twenty five will hate you. since you can’t control what people think you may as well go after the first quarter.

generally that is a sentiment i have no problem with.

it’s just… it’s harder when it’s people who were intimates for some period of time before they changed sides. they know a lot about you and can most certainly do more damage. in fact i finally moderated ONE person for the first time ever because she was telling secrets that weren’t even mine. worse she was imagining details to fill in blanks and create patterns that never existed and then she was spewing that all over my comments section.

what are you supposed to do with that?

i considered moving the blog and i considered shutting it down but then you see she would win.

in the end i just didn’t say anything at all and i still lost because my friends and family (love ALL of you and you know who you are) defended me and then were in turn attacked by her. i lost double because i never did get another date with the guy she accused me of whoring myself out to and i quite liked him.

[funny, smart, hot, likes liberated women, science fiction and hot cars… what’s not to like?]

i did learn one thing though. my father is absolutely right when he says that what bullies want is to make you engage, to make you fight and yell and scream and the more you refuse to do that the more you piss them off.

unfortunately she got pissed off in public and my loved ones who DID engage took the brunt of her insanity and many of them ended up with hurt feelings. [incidentally miss g i did not, nor will i ever, coerce ANYONE to reply to you. i did ask a playwright friend for help drafting my single paragraph reply to your initial attack (no, i don’t think g is still reading, least i hope not because if she is her life is even smaller than i imagined and that’s just sad.)]

the part that surprises me is that i have trouble forgetting these people that really didn’t have my back.

it’s like i feel like the conversation isn’t over even though it is.

what’s weird to me is that that feeling exists at all when in all cases i could NEVER trust them again. when i know for a fact that my back is not something they have. when, in fact, i know that if i did turn my back they would likely stick a knife in it.

why is it exactly that i can’t stop wondering if they’re well?

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regardless, this is my blog … MINE and no one gets to fuck that up for me, no one.

even if it did take me a while to get there.

February 26, 2008

swirls

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it’s all swirly in my head right now:

part of me wants to talk about my friend adam eating’s dog getting killed last week and how sad i am about that

part of me wants to talk about running off to cuba on my first vacation in five years with nayrb

chunks of me are most fascinated that i came back from cuba and like my boyfriend more… which like, really, i didn’t think was possible

some of me wants to wonder why some people can’t just let me go even though they chased me out the door

bits are wondering about posting a couple of cuba pictures… here’s one that nayrb took of me at a crocodile farm we visited, a lovely cuban man handed me this bird…:

parrot.jpg

whole divisions wish to crow about my facility in cuba because i speak italian a little.  one lady even asked me if i spoke spanish!  go me!  not to mention?  i learned some spanish!

some of me is pretty excited about being back in my life.  in fact i got a little bored toward the end there… but that’s as it should be

parts of me wonder how it’s possible that fidel castro stepped down when *i* was in cuba!  like what are the odds?

the eastern division has me thinking about my beloved leafs and their captain.  it’s interesting that he chose to stay but i think ultimately the right thing.  i mean really, was it worth it to the leafs to lose him?  not for me.  of course i know i have a crush on him but i’m also realistic and this is a guy with a lot to teach the kids that are coming

my heart wants to talk to my parents and my sister but they’re always in bed when i have free time…

nayrb went in the ocean for his first time ever… i’m glad i was there:

oceannayrb.jpg

my heart is very heavy for my friend lsd

my skin feels particularly happy and glowing at the moment.  i turned all italian while i was away and i love it. i wish i had a tan all year long…

yeah, so as you can see, i’m feeling a little discombobulated.  kind of can’t figure out which way is up and at the same time feeling a little disconnected from it all.

ah well, i’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts

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i am now addicted to vacations.  i’ve already chosen my next four weeks off… one of them is the week i just passed… but next year  :)

July 14, 2007

yellow woods

Filed under: bitter pills,family,friendship,grief,life — sassinak @ 11:18 pm

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so i’ve lost a few friends recently to some pretty violent word exchanges and i’m having a strange reaction. the part that i’m saddest about is that it had to get mean. it didn’t have to, we were slowly drifting apart and if they had just allowed that to continue we would have faded into acquaintances who saw each other every year or two at parties.

and instead there was vitriol, pretty raw and unadulterated. the kind that makes you realise that someone has been husbanding drops of resentment with every interaction no matter how innocent and you realise… you realise that someone was showing up in your life with hate in their hearts for you.

and it makes you want to smudge your life.

it’s sad, there was a great friendship there once but it’s been dying for a long time and we used to have such fun in silence and in word and activity. some of the best memories of my last four years involved at least one of the people involved.

we used to talk about the holes hiding in the corners of our hearts, we used to open ourselves to each other and let the truth flow out or discuss the things that pained us and try to heal each other with listening and good natured ribbing.

we used to go places and have adventures and share the events and the milestones of our lives. birthdays and holidays were somehow less without seeing the other and we began to act as family for one another.

that started to fade because it had to. it couldn’t stay at that level for reasons various and sundry but trust and caring were established. lives began to dis entwine and go their ways and goodwill was had. or so i thought.

and instead of telling me that i was offending with my words and actions hate was nurtured and cherished and now i feel slimed.

again i feel slimed and interestingly enough when i see the level of malice applied to me i find myself completely forgiving the last person i was angry with and lost as a friend. forgiven to the point that i’m stunned to find i’m going to make friends with that person again much more quickly than i ever would have expected. (although i always knew that i would eventually)

suddenly the difference in behaviour is clear. one is hapless and the other… why couldn’t they just have said “we’re sorry, we don’t want to be friends anymore?” why did it have to be so hateful?

i’m sorry that things had to be so foul, hopefully i will be able to lance the wound quickly but i’m not sure. i’m finding myself apologising for every thing that i say before it comes out of my mouth and i hate that. i hate that intensely.

i’ve worked for years to stop doing that. to stop apologising for my feelings or my actions or the things that i want and suddenly all i can say is i’m sorry.

but i’m not sorry that this friendship ended, i can’t imagine having someone in my home who harbors such ill will toward me and well, i find myself wondering who their next devil will be. i’m sorry that it had to get ugly, but i guess some things aren’t meant to last forever.

i’ll miss the friends we were but we haven’t been that for a long time. at some point truth was lost and where truth goes so go trust and caring.

goodbye my friend, i’ll miss the us that was…. perhaps we can forget the us that became someday and remember why we cared for each other so that at least you smile when you think of me back there in your past.

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if you know, or think you know who this post is about i ask you to please not use names or identifying characteristics. i have enough respect for the friendship that was that i will not appreciate such comments at all.

July 2, 2007

profit and loss

Filed under: family,friendship,grief,life,random,socioanthropology — sassinak @ 9:47 pm

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there is something about the dissolution of a friendship that always seems to have repercussions beyond simply losing a person to hang out with.

i have recently had just such an experience and yet strangely enough it’s not the lost friend that i’m mourning, in fact it’s the never was friend that i miss.

in dissolving our friendship it was made clear to me that i would be missed slightly less than a lost audio cd and that my friendship had never in fact meant anything to this person.

now i know that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, people say things that are other than what they really mean. in fact they say things that are extra mean just because they themselves are being hurt.

but still, when you realize that someone won’t even notice that you’re gone you start to wonder if they ever cared that you were there in the first place and i think the answer must needs be no.

i don’t miss people i don’t care about, i do miss people i do care about… see?

and you see, i’m getting very tired of imaginary friends.

i’m tired of people pretending that i’m their best friend when i’ve hardly met them and yet never making any effort to connect again.

i’m tired of people treating me like a treasured person only to toss me on the midden heap when someone shinier comes around.

i’m tired of people being nice to me because they’re hot for the people i’m with.

most of all i’m tired of people not telling me the truth.

i’m a big girl now, if you have something to say to me just say it.  don’t beat around the bush or misdirect or make me wonder, just do it.

and if you can’t?  don’t pretend to be my friend in the first place.

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my little business is taking off like a cessna with a student pilot aboard but taking off it is.  i have two more hours booked this week than i need to ensure an easy life and only about four hours left to fill before i consider myself fully booked.

what this means is that if i play my cards right i can actually take a vacation sometime in the next year or so.  and not this wishful thinking ‘my business will take off *some* day’ vacation planning that i’ve been doing for five years but the other kind.

the kind that goes ‘if business continues as it is’ and ends with ‘vacation’ instead.  it’s been a long time coming and a lot of seeds have finally sprouted and frankly?

i worked my ass off for this and i deserve it.

of course i’m expecting the other shoe to drop any second now (see above) because that’s what likes to happen.

still, like they say; make hay while the sun shines, and i am.

i’m even planning to go to the PMA conference at long last!  (pilates method alliance)

but man i dream of vacations like some people dream of children or riches.  it’s especially after a blissful long weekend that i realise just how much i need to get away.

but my little business?  the seeds they are a growing!

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why did i pair these posts?

because these two events taught me something together.

usually when some mess happens in my personal life it’s brought on or escalated by some form of emotional trauma that’s already in my life.

i’m broke or my body is broken or one of my pets is ill or or or… so i’m already depressed and then some form of badness happens and then i fall apart.

and usually, when something good happens it’s happening amid a whole pile of other good things and i just sort of decide that the universe loves me that month.

this time though i have something making me sad and several things making me happy and i couldn’t figure out my strangely confused feelings.

how could i be sad and happy at the same time?

and then it came to me.  well okay, my sister said it.  i’m not depressed, i’m sad sure, but i’m not depressed.  there’s no need to crawl into my little cave and pretend the world doesn’t exist.

i’m happy, and i’m sad.

i think that means i’m finally acting like a mature human being.

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oh god.

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