snapshots of an idle mind

January 21, 2009

sweet sadness

Filed under: anxiety,bitter pills,bliss,cars,driving,engines,grief,life,random,surreal — sassinak @ 3:17 pm

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well, it’s official, i have a new car.

okay not entirely official as i don’t take delivery until this afternoon but you know what i mean.  it’s paid for (with some help) and the plates are off my old car and sitting in the windshield/back window.

i may have driven my old honda for the last time and i’m abjectly sad about it.

i understand that i will love my new car just as much and that i will be just as broken hearted when my mechanic says “it’s time, your car is dead” but that isn’t any consolation to me now.

there are a few reasons i’m unhappy about this transition, not the least of which is that i expected to get another five years about of my perfectly tuned, corners like a bmw, gets phenomenal mileage accord.  expected in vain because the body rotted out from under me with very little warning.

in fact i’m a little bit pissed off at my mechanic for not making me understand what was happening.  why was i fixing a rotten car?  why wasn’t i made to understand 3-5 years ago that i needed to spend some money on the body?

how was this a SURPRISE?

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there is something so *wrong* about throwing out something so perfectly tuned.  i know the body is rotten but the engine has another 200,000km in it EASY.

ah well, i think i found a guy who is going to find a solid body and use my parts to build a car… so at least he’s getting something out of it.

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so here i am all broken hearted right?

all sad about the passing of this beautiful machine…

and yet?

and yet there’s a little joy here.

i’m getting my very first NEW car!

not new to me, NEW.

as in no one but me has ever driven it (okay, on and off the truck and the broker is driving it to my house but you know what i’m saying) and i have to break in the engine.

as in i get to be the only person who cares for this car and i will know implicitly every bolt that gets changed and fluid that gets dirty and if it dies it will be entirely my responsibility.

it will be *mine* from the day it got sold until the day i sell it or my mechanic looks at me mournfully and says “it’s time, get a new car.”

and that’s cool right?

i should be excited to own my very first new car and i am… i mean i’m totally stoked and i am fully aware that i will fall madly in love with it in time… it’s just i’m having a hard time getting past the senseless waste of it’s predecessor.

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oh you wanna know what i got?

2008.5 mazda 3 sedan, five speed with no air… cause i like don’t like the air and the power anything…

i do like the ipod plug though… kind of an improvement over the tape deck

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in other news, what is with these idiots who get high performance cars in an automatic?

or worse, with a manual transmission and NO IDEA how to WORK IT???

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only thing worse?

porsche sport utility vehicle…

i mean really, isn’t that an oxymoron?

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oh wow oh wow oh wow

my car is almost here and the plates are off my accord…

god i’m sad for my accord.

man i’m excited about my very first new car…

wow wow wow.

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and for those of you who know how much i love old things?

yes, i really did basically buy the new car version of the old car i’m throwing out….

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anyone wanna buy a really good engine?

September 12, 2008

disdatndeudderting

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so i have some news that will not please some of you; nayrb and i decided a while ago to call it quits.

we were… not treating each other as well as we might have and all the talking in the world wasn’t making it better.  worse maybe since i think the talking was irritating us rather than doing any good.

basically we got steadily less nice to each other.  i got impatient and frustrated and he got kinda needy and we just kept pushing buttons and not really treating each other with kindness.

i’ve been kind of in shock really.

it’s not so much that we believed that we would *never* break up but that we had this deep affection for each other over and above the usual new toy neurological imperatives.  we expected that we would be able to deal with whatever the universe chose to throw at us, that we would at least be together for a few years.

and then it just started to go bad and it didn’t get better.

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look a picture of me!  in my studio!  in my living room! on the phone!

me n' my studio...

me n' my studio...

isn’t it purty?

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weirder even than being single again?

dating.

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look harriet!

sunny!

sunny!

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mouse with the same ball!

my ball!

my ball!

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there, see how i distract you with pictures?

really though, he and i are both okay and i’m pretty sure we both think this is for the best.  we remain friendly and are in fact considering throwing a ‘sass n’nayrb split up – bring someone suitable’ party but we’re not sure everyone else would appreciate the humor involved.

still considering it though.

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i think maybe the things we saw as problems the very first week might have had a lot to do with it, hard to say though.

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in other news; i’m thinking of leaving my band.

there is a person in it who continues to make me uncomfortable in a pretty shitty way some two or three times a year.  and i know it’s her problem and not mine i *really really* do but that doesn’t mean i particularly want her negativity in my life any longer.

it’s desperately difficult for me to imagine not hitting my drum and singing at the top of my lungs every thursday night but aren’t these things supposed to make you happy!???!

truly i love the band and i regret regularly that i ever mentioned it in her presence.  i think i knew from the first that it would come to this but i don’t know how else to handle it.

i love the guys in that band i really do; they are some of the most amazing people that i have in my life and their bickering and interaction and just general good-natured fun with each other never cease to amuse me [except for the occasional moments when i want to kill them of course.]

either way, after her latest insult i will have to stay away for a little while for fear that i will say what i think.  she is a rather fragile human and most of her issue with me seems to stem from lack of self-confidence so really, anything i say will only serve to make it worse.

frankly i wish i could tell her to take her crap and fuck off.  but i can’t… the guys adore us both.

dammit! dammit! dammit!

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doesn’t harriet look hilarious with that ball and the sun?

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happy weekend!

March 16, 2008

this is me feeding my cats

Filed under: bitter pills,bliss,blogging,hockey,life,men,pics,random,surreal,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:48 am

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see that? how i went to the closet and got cat food and gave it to my cats? and see how they stopped yowling for food?

no?

well all right then.

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so the leafs have had another disappointing season. there are in fact nine games left so they have a decent chance of catching up from tweflth where they are currently sitting to ninth or so.

it’s weird how they’ve had terrible luck and the worst calls and are definitely not going to make the playoffs *again* and yet i’m still madly in love with them. i mean there are a few mitigating circumstances but geeze it’s not like they’re very good either.

by all rights i should be over this team. i should have stopped having a crush on mats sundin and i should definitely not be thinking that they’re playing better than their position in the scoring charts would indicate.

and yet… and yet i realize that i’m not really telling the truth. although they are better than where they are sitting in the standings? they still aren’t *good.*

i can tell the difference. i’ve seen what montreal has done with their young players and the magic word. what magic word? why teamwork of course.

that thing where they practice passing the puck again and again before they actually shoot. the thing where they play together.

god it’s pretty to watch.

please don’t tell anyone that i’m enjoying watching the habs play hockey okay? i mean i’m supposed to hate them they’re like hockey evil or something since i’m a leafs fan. and i am a leafs fan i am…

but i sure am glad my other conference team (calgary!) is playing better…

mmm iginla and kiprusoff… here comes the cup playoffs…

[don’t tell anyone but i think montreal is a major contendor this year]

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i just went to play a game of dress-up clue where i turned out to be the villain!

check out my awesome card:

clueme1.jpg

anyway it was a surprisingly good time and i confess that i was extra delighted to be the murderer!

plus?

i got called beautiful!

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i know it’s silly to love the nice things people say about me but well… go me! compliments like that really do make a body feel good.

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nayrb got a haircut and he looks all extra cute… pretty nice if you’re me also.

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incidentally?  nayrb fed the cats… thanks nayrb!

it’s interesting how little i have to complain about these days. most of the things in my life that had been causing me to complain (or blog)have been fixed.

i can actually afford shoes and i don’t hurt much anymore and i have a nice apartment and my business is finally doing better and then?  after all that falls into place?

i meet a nice man.

seems so impossible really to be living an angst free life.  impossible but fucking awesome!

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nayrb and i went to a crocodile farm in cuba and here we are molesting a child:

babycroc1.jpg

night kids!

February 16, 2008

holy unfairness batman

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so yeah i’m having a day.

i’m sure you’re all having days too, some better than others… but i’m having a day. i woke up a little late and couldn’t get my head on straight and taught a funny class and went to class where i never quite felt like i was there and then…

and then the day improved of course.

i mean who doesn’t want to spend the first day of their first vacation in five years shovelling out their car after they’ve gotten it stuck? heaving on it with a few helpers? dumping salt all over the place to get traction for the feet as we push?

how about getting it out of the rut only to rub it up against a fence while doing so? calling your boyfriend at home to get you a tow truck? waiting for it and then watching as it pulls your car off the fence… now with a broken mirror and fresh scratches and sixty bucks to the awesome little old tow truck driver named luigi?

almost but not quite killing a pedestrian?

how about realising that you are no longer competent and that beyond calling a cab at three am and MAYBE, just MAYBE managing to pack you are done? can’t even write a fuck you suckers i’m on vacation post done?

doesn’t that sound like the best vacational first day ever?

how about if i tell you that’s only half of the shit that’s wrong right now? that i have a bladder and a yeast infection? [and if you know about my other …issue? that is acting up too.]

don’t you think the universe might be having a little fun with me?

dear universe, i really need a rest okay? would you mind making the rest of the week a little easier than the first day? pretty please?

cherries on top?
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for the record, i’m still feeling pretty good. i’m aware rationally that although i’m having a brutal day i have in no way impacted my actual vacation in any damaging way.

i mean hell the mirror was halfway broken already!

not to mention? it’s a chilly twenty four degrees in cayo coco right now.. i think that might be the temperature here in fahrenheit today…

all you can eat food and drink… beautiful man to share it with…

five star beach and cuban music to lull me into a drunken stupor…

average daily temperature of 26 degrees celsius and nightly of 21…

yeah, sounds good to me.

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hopefully this day will stop piling little disasters on top of each other. i’m really hoping that i can finish my laundry and make my bed and pack between now and three am without too much trauma…

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but you know what happens at 11:10am tomorrow morning?

oh yeah, i land in cuba for day one of my first vacation in five years…

sayonara kids!

February 6, 2008

relief

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i am looking at a cleaner desk.

i am looking at a cleaner desk that is symbolic of something so much better.

you see i hired my friend to come over and sort through all my papers. she will take all those myriad statements and bills and receipts and turn them in to some kind of useful filing system.

after that? she will enter all of this data into a spreadsheet and then? and then we will hire a bookkeeper who will do my taxes for the last five years.

yeah shut up, i am aware that i should have done them more recently. that said, i pretty much always do them every five years so this is nothing new. in fact i think the government will faint when i start to file annually.

so there are a few interesting thoughts hiding in the above, not the least of which is that i have finally accepted that *i* will NEVER get this crap done. i have been trying to make myself do this stuff for two years!

two years!

do you want to know when even some of it happened? yeah, last time i got this friend to come over and help me.

*sigh* i suck at this stuff. i can hardly call clients back and answer email let alone get my filing and paperwork done; so here’s the thing, i have accepted that i will not do this and chosen to spend some money so that it happens anyway.

i think this is akin to admitting that i cannot keep my house clean enough to run a business in and hiring a maid. i think it’s delegating of the highest order. this is extra funny because i’m always telling my boyfriend that he needs to learn to delegate.

but well, it’s a lot easier to see what other people need than what you do.

the other interesting thing hiding in the above is that i hired someone.

i have in fact hired another human being simply to make my life go better.  not only have i hired them but i’ve committed to paying them.  you know what this means?  this means that i actually BELIEVE my business is doing well enough to commit a couple of hundred dollars a month to making it run better.

yeah i’m kind of stunned to find myself in that position too but there it is.   i actually believe in my business enough to ask someone else to believe in it enough to work for me in expectation of money.  i mean she can make financial decisions because of me!

that’s so strange it is.

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in other news, nayrb and i have finally booked our vacation.

i know!  i’m going away for a WHOLE WEEK!!!!!

no work for a WEEK!

that mythical vacation i’ve been talking about for four years?  finally here!

*snoopydance of glee*

here’s the beach:

cccsena_04.jpg

and because i know you guys love this shit, here is the link to the resort.

the best part?

it’s in cuba which is one of the few places i had really despaired of visiting in time.  by this i mean that when fidel dies something is going to get different in cuba and i really wanted to see it the way it is now rather than the way it will be.  not that it isn’t possible that what’s coming will be better but still, it’s worth seeing now.

i don’t think we’ll be near enough to see havana, but there is apparently a quaint little town nearby that should satisfy our urge to see some real cuba… but let’s be honest, i just want to sleep and eat and drink and swim in the ocean and hang out with my boyfriend…

ahhh bliss.

January 22, 2008

brick wall

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living in downtown toronto spoils you in ways you maybe don’t notice until you literally bounce your head off the wall created by someone else ardently disagreeing with you.

in this place it’s normal to be of any random skin colour possible, or to speak multiple languages of which one might be farsi or greek or english or punjab or mandarin or italian or…

and no one cares.

no one cares at all.  we go about our busy and scattered lives and pay no attention to the people doing the same all around us.  we don’t care who they love or what they do unless they are part of the vanishingly small percentage we interact with directly.

it’s kind of an i won’t mess with you if you leave me alone attitude actually.

but i forget, living here, what it’s like in places that aren’t here.  places where everyone is the same colour or everyone speaks the same language or everyone is (apparently) the same sexual orientation.

you see i don’t remember that some people still walk around saying things like ‘all faggots could die for all i care’ or ‘i hope you don’t expect me to feel sympathy for a dead actor who played a gay cowboy.  fucker messed with the last bastion of manness’ or ‘if god had meant for people to be homos they would make babies that way’ or some  other equally asinine crap like that.

i forget and then i ram my head into it.

i think we’ve come so far you know.  gay marriage is legal in this country, it’s making encroachments in the USA and it’s legal in several other countries in the world.

there are fewer gay bashing incidents here than there once were and people hardly bat an eye when they see two men or two women walking down the street holding hands.

nobody cares.  they’re all too busy worrying about their own problems now.  i mean sure there’s the crazy preacher who shows up to picket the pride parade every year but that’s about it.

nobody cares.

exactly what the gay community wants, to be left alone.

and then i hear words like these and i start to get upset and i go looking for information to throw at people and i find this great article about homosexuality in animals… which is here.

foolishly i try to get the other side of the argument to read it.  to at least have an argument based on similar information and all they can talk about is how nature says sex is only for making babies when more and more opinion is swaying to the contrary.

i just don’t know why i still get into these arguments, i should know that there’s no arguing with someone when they have god on their side and the power of their convictions to slay you with.  i should know better than to even try to find reason in this kind of discourse.

and then i think to myself but what about those learned religious scholars who are out there trying to reconcile science with god and sort of succeeding?  what about them?

do i not insult their very openness to new information by assuming that anyone who tosses god into an argument is inherently wrong? that said i suspect that the exceptional scholars are rarely if ever heard to utter the phrase ‘you’re wrong because god says so’

i just don’t understand, didn’t jesus say ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone?’  doesn’t that mean you’re supposed to NOT judge your neighbour?

apparently though if you repent and are willing to give up being gay you’re welcome in some people’s church…

*shaking head* and i wanted something to write about…

December 31, 2007

there goes another one

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it’s that time of year again, the time when we eat too much and celebrate our loved ones and our lives or in some cases despair about our lives but no matter who you are you’re thinking right now.

you may be thinking solely about the shenanigans you will be getting up to this evening or perhaps about avoiding the fuss and hiding at home but if nothing else you’re considering your options.

you may, as i am, be thinking about who you will be kissing when the clocks of the city strike midnight or even who you won’t be kissing.

perhaps you are pondering your resolutions. one woman i know takes her resolutions very seriously indeed. last year she resolved to travel and see the world and she went to europe and africa. this is some resolving i can get behind let me tell you.

personally i am usually wont to resolve to do something with no guilt attached. i have oft been heard drunkenly declaiming ‘i resolve to have more fun’ and every year i try to do it. i think this year i will go for something with a little required effort.

perhaps i will resolve to work slightly less or to take a few more full weekends off. i know that i intend to take two weeks off this year which is something i have not done since i started to teach.

in fact i’m planning an actual vacation in february, i’ve even arranged half my substitute teachers already. gawd, an actual vacation, what a trip. it seems funny to have to resolve to do this but it seems i’ve turned into a bit of a workaholic in the last few years.

guess that’s what happens when your small business finally starts to be able to feed you. now i have to learn to say no to my clients, i have far too many days that are twelve or fourteen hours long and that has to stop. in fact i will no longer add new clients before 7:30am or after 7pm but trust me, that’s still more hours in a day than i should be working.

i’m hoping to slowly restrict those hours to 7:30am and 6:30pm but it’s hard. people work and they want me to work when they aren’t working and that leaves me with a brutal schedule.

i’m also thinking of getting a little more picky about who i accept as a client. up until now i’ve been a little bit desperate and i’ve had to take on anyone regardless. i’ve willingly encouraged people to go elsewhere if i didn’t feel that they suited me but always with a bit of a pang. now? now i think i will simply say ‘i’m sorry, i have a waiting list’ or whatever to people who rub me the wrong way when they call.

i want to play with my cats more rather than trusting them to exercise each other and in that light i want to spend more time at my boyfriend’s house because his poor cat is lonely.

i want to save money toward buying a place and create a financial cushion for myself that’s a little more secure than simply keeping a thousand dollars in my savings account… but that’s a start.

most of all? i want to have more patience and be less frustrated and be more open. miss clara hughes said that to the cbc one day and it’s some of the best advice ever. she also said to ‘be better’ to not be simply satisfied with being good but to be better every day. that too is some attitude i can get behind and something i feel like i need.

i still feel myself being more angry that i need to be on occasion and the rage engendered by driving the streets of toronto refuses to fade no matter how gently i approach it. i’m sure there are untapped reservoirs of anger inside myself that i have yet to find but i intend to plumb the depths this year.

life is about self-discovery after all.

i think i resolve to think about clara when i’m at my most angry…

be less frustrated

have more patience

be more open

… don’t just be good, be better

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happy new year to you and yours.

December 1, 2007

go read this

Filed under: blogging,life,random,socioanthropology,truth — sassinak @ 12:26 am

http://othercat.wordpress.com/2007/11/29/reluctant-warrior/

othercat wrote it and it’s awesome

and funny

and topical

November 21, 2007

i wonder

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how some people can smell so bad and yet seem never to notice.

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why i love the leafs so much when they’re sooo bad these days.

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what will happen to the planet when we’ve sucked all the oil out of it… and i don’t just mean with fuel. i just can’t imagine that nature made all that lube and stuck it down there for no reason… it just seems wrong somehow.

so, if you have no more lube between the rocks what happens when they try to slide?

seems to me the shakes will get bigger.

but i’m not a geologist, anyone else?

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why we think pumping water that sells for two dollars a litre into the ground to replace oil that sells (refined!) for one is good business practices.

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if i can sustain this 6:30 am client on wednesday mornings.

client that i love, that is my longest running client and the first one who ever paid me full price for an hour.

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when i became someone who cared about the state of her house.

although the answer seems to be ‘when she got a house worth caring about.’

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when i’m getting my next pedicure.

speaking of; here you go terry:

nat:

natpedi1.jpg

moi:

sasspediorl.jpg

nat’s toes:

nattoes.jpg

my toes

sasstoes.jpg

us

sassnnatalldone.jpg

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why folks would rather focus on their misery and pain than their happiness and freedoms.

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why some people take so much pleasure in hurting others.

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why the above two are so often the same person.

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why it’s often so much easer to hear the spitefulness hurled at you by those who dislike you than the kindness lavished upon you by your loved ones.

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why i had a weird dream about my car last night…

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and why i remembered it.

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why the posts i am often most proud of will regularly engender the fewest comments…

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why rainy grey days (IN MODERATION!) are so awesome…

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why i’m not currently napping…

November 15, 2007

parts per million

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i stuck a nat pic at the end of this for you terry… just one though.

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there is something so interesting about the repercussions of emotional behaviour that authors everywhere have written endless treatises on the subject from about a million perspectives both fictional and non.

in fact i’m reading yet another fantasy novel based almost entirely around this very idea.

it’s as fascinating to study the effects of love run amok as hate… although one could argue that those are in fact the same thing. anger is at least as interesting as passive resistance and greed is in many ways it’s own reward.

lately i’ve been thinking in terms of wells. some run dry, others are fouled, still more run sweet forever but all of them started out as very deep things that fed us.

like friendships.

you can’t tell when you meet someone what kind of well you will make. will you make a few half-assed passes with the dowsing rod and then give up entirely or will you sink a good and true well that lasts an eternity?

perhaps you will not work hard enough digging the well you will trust your friendship to and will wake one morn’ to find that it has run dry. or worse yet has been poisoned by ill will.

i don’t know that we can tell in advance (ever) where these things will end up. i’m sure that every time someone sinks an oil well they’re hoping to make the strike of all time but i know for certain that you can never really tell how long a strike will last.

okay i’m mixing my metaphors, water is somewhat more predictable although you can’t tell still if the guy higher up the hill is letting his cowshit seep into the stream. but maybe that’s the point? maybe we should treat our friendships more like wells since a good well-keeper will have the water tested constantly and maintain the pump and have the water table checked and try not to over-use the available water and and…

i do know this much though, i know that one thing that always leads to a fouled well is lack of care… and i know that the same is true of friendship. i also know that wells can be poisoned.

i wonder just how many parts per million it takes to poison a well. i know that with hatred just one little part is enough. i’ve also learned that hatred is never reserved for just the person you hate.

you think that it is, but it isn’t because it poisons everything you do. kind of like poisoning a water table rather than a single well. or poisoning a river upstream of a major town.

you walk around and you spread your hate because you can’t help it. you think you’ve managed to reserve it, husband it or herd it to just one little corner of your life but it spreads. it spreads like poison into the wells of your life until all of them are befouled and you are left wondering what it is exactly that turned your life awry.

if you notice.

usually by then you’re so consumed by your ill will toward someone that nothing but their downfall will satisfy you. or, to continue the metaphor, you won’t be happy until the water table has no water left.

seems like such a wasted effort.

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sassnnat1.jpg

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okay maybe one more

sassnnat2.jpg

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last one really

sassnnat3.jpg

damn girl you have some gorgeous eyes.

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